 You may be thinking right now that it's all your fault, that the way you feel, the isolation, the loneliness, the void, you know, the complete absence of love and attention and validation, like you're in this on your own. There's nothing to lean on, there's nothing to rest on. It's a hard feeling. It's a really, really difficult feeling. It's a difficult sense because get rid of the word feeling, right? Because you can feel sad, you can feel angry, and a lot of people say feel lonely, but to me loneliness is more of like a sense. It's kind of around you. You can really get into it. It surrounds you too. It's not just in you as a feeling. Loneliness surrounds you like that void, that you reach out your arms and stretch them out and you're lost in a pool and you reach both hands out and you can't even touch either wall, you know what I mean? So you feel like you're lost in the ocean almost because where is my bearing? I don't know where I am. And what you most likely like to do is question, contemplate, dig deep into the reasons why you're experiencing this loneliness. And rather than pointing outward, you're pointing directly at yourself. Loneliness is completely my fault. It's completely my fault. The external factors don't matter. This is my fault. It's because I didn't make friends at work. It's because I chose the remote job and I moved away from a city. It's because the city I'm in, I don't really feel like I belong. It's not at home. I feel like I should have kept in touch with my family more. I feel like I should have kept in touch with these friends and we had a falling out. And if I was their friend, I'd feel less lonely contemplating different scenarios, different situations where, oh man, would life be different if I just had a bunch of people around me? And if I can be honest with you, in my experience, it doesn't change. It's complicated as this may sound. The number of people around you doesn't get rid of the loneliness. You know, these cheesy sayings, it's not about being, or if you're feeling alone, it's not the same as being lonely. If you've heard that saying before, raise your hand, right? If you heard that loneliness isn't just the absence of people, it's the feeling that what you do and share doesn't matter to anybody. It's about being seen. It's about being understood. It's about being validated. It's like, it's being noticed like, hey, I see you exist. I see the hard work you're putting in. I see the struggle. I see the joys. I notice the things that you really like. Hey, I notice the things that you're really, really good at. That's awesome. That's what we're all searching for. So if you think that a bunch of people around you and people even seeing you is going to make a difference, a lot of the time it doesn't. They need to see you as in really see you. Not for the bunch of molecules in flesh and not for your tan and your blue eyes, brown eyes, long hair, short hair. No, but for you, for what makes you, you. And it's not the size of the cups, baby. It goes way beyond that and we know it. Because if that's what brings you attention, the loneliness is still there. It's still there because they don't see you, you, you, you in the middle of the middle of the middle of you. So I want to talk about some strategies and some ways to think about this. Okay. So number one, really, it's not fully your fault. Communities and cities aren't built the way they used to. More people are living alone now or they have specific roommates. We're living in smaller spaces. There's less, they call this like, oh my gosh, what's it called? Like a third living or community space, something about community spaces that are meant for gathering. You go to Europe, you got all the piazzas and everything like that, right? It's amazing for gathering. People live in small places, but it's because they can go out and eat and celebrate and socialize around the community. The culture in North America, go do your job. You have to work to live. You have to go home. Everything's so incredibly expensive that a lot of people work two jobs. When do you have actually time to socialize too? There's so many factors. There's a lot. And that's not to pull away personal responsibility from you. That's not what this is about. It's just about giving yourself a little bit of grace, a little bit of understanding that, okay, there are other factors at play here. Fair enough? Fair enough? Like dealing with depression is very, the feeling is associated with that loneliness because under that umbrella of depression is, yeah, loneliness, it's anger, it's misunderstanding, it's grief, it's a whole bunch of stuff. So even in depression, people point the finger at them again, regardless of the biological factors, regardless that you just got broken up with, regardless that you just move cities or move towns and the change is just absolutely unbearable, regardless of physical injury that you're recovering from and you can't exercise or move so you're becoming depressed. It's all my fault. I should be able to control everything. Bullshit. Bullshit. Study some biology. Study some chemistry. Study the digestive system. Study neurobiology and tell me how much control, conscious control you have over these things. Did you really control how your breakfast was digested today? Oh, you had control over every single enzyme. You had control of your pancreas, didn't you? All the liver enzymes, all your bile ducts to break down all the fat, I'm sure you did. You didn't. When it comes to a sense of control my friends and like the feeling of loneliness, let's look at the whole picture. So here's the whole picture. It's got some to do with you. It's got some to do with the environment. Cool? Cool. What can we do about it? If I were to ask you why you don't hang around assholes, you'd probably give me a pretty straight answer. Oh, they put me down. They make me feel terrible. They're always negative. They can't see the sunshine even when the sun is shining. Why would I hang out with an asshole? They put me down. They make fun of me when I do something. They judge me. They don't let me be myself. You know, if I'm good at something, they never say it's good enough or sorry, they never say it's really good. It just barely good enough if enough at all. When I learn something new, they don't say great job. They say, oh, I've already done that. Or that's not even that good. That's not even cool. Who plays the ukulele anymore? What? Why are you learning the harmonica? That's pretty idiotic. You don't hang around assholes because there's so much criticism. Their view of the world and their view of you, they don't support you at all. It can make you feel pretty lonely, can't it? Hang around someone that doesn't appreciate you, doesn't see you, doesn't honor the struggle, doesn't honor the work you're putting into your life? And by life, I mean learning something, being at work, getting a new client, making a new sale, creating a new spreadsheet, helping someone, you know, if you're part of daycare, raising some babies, whatever it is, it's never enough for the asshole. You see how I'm going with this? But that asshole can live within all of us, and it does in me too. I have a massive asshole. Oh my God, it's huge sometimes. Just massive. And he's full of shit. Does that make you feel more lonely then if your internal dialogue is always putting you down? Are you always putting yourself down? Because if you are, who wants to hang out with an asshole every day? The old saying is, if you feel lonely when you're alone, that means you're in bad company. If you feel lonely when you are alone, or feel lonely with a group of people, that means you're not in good company. So where do you start? How do you start loving yourself? First of all, acknowledge awesome things that you do. And notice your inner critic coming in. I'm starting to learn guitar from scratch. All I learned was heavy metal learning, heavy metal when I was starting in 2009, believe it or not. So I can play all these riffs, okay? But as far as my pinky skills, as far as my work around the fretboard, I'm new. So I'm actually using a musician. This isn't an ad or anything, but I'm using musicians starting from scratch. And the internal dialogue is, oh my God, Scott, you can barely get around that D chord and then go into fret five and you've been playing for over 10 years. Oh my God. Right? I noticed that. I'm like, are you trying to put me down? I was having fun. I was having a lot of fun right now doing something alone and in comes the person that doesn't want me to have a good time. Doesn't want me to enjoy myself. Enjoy the spirit. They come in quick, don't they? So the first thing, when you're alone and you feel like you're not in good company, be like, oh, there's an asshole coming in. I see you. I see you. Oh, I was having a good time and that came in. Okay. Even if you're alone sometimes, it'll come in. You're lonely. You're alone again. Even if you enjoy being alone at times, you can feel guilty for the enjoyment. You're sitting here watching a bit of Netflix. You finish work a long day. You get home and you're like, man, it's going to feel good being on the couch and in comes a voice. Why aren't you working out? Why do you eat Domino's pizza again with double cheese? Right? Why don't you have more friends? Why didn't you go to the bar with people after work? All your work colleagues wanted you to go, but I wanted to be alone. Why do you want to be alone? Because I'm enjoying myself. Why are you enjoying yourself? You should be with people. Notice the inner critic, my friends. This is the meditative work I've been doing for, I don't know, that specific work like four or five years now. And it gets easier. It gets easier to notice and to almost laugh at these things and be like, oh, there you are. You're coming in. I just turned on the computer and I was about to learn a different chord and here you come. Hey, what's up, buddy? Okay, I'm going to keep playing. Notice. Okay. Really notice. All right. The next thing which is really important is to label the loneliness. Don't just use the umbrella term like I'm depressed. Don't use the umbrella term like I'm just sad. You know, sometimes that is just flat out. That's it. A lot of the time, if we're feeling a sort of stress and maybe if we're on edge, maybe if we're really low, the loneliness is in that. And that's the void we're feeling. That's maybe the disconnection we're feeling. That's the loss we're feeling. That's the inability to touch edges of the pool and know where we are, the ability to touch walls, right? So label loneliness saying, okay, what am I feeling right now? I'm pretty lonely right now. I'm feeling real lonely right now. And by admitting it, you remove the mystery and then we can go into number three is label it, remove the mystery, and then go into it. This is really, really important, everyone. And this is what a lot of us can't do because it's very difficult. It's very uncomfortable. And don't think that I'm going to pressure you to be like, you have to go into it right now. When you end this video, go into your loneliness. It's the only way. The best way to live is to be uncomfortable. If you're too comfortable, you're not making process. Why not making progress? I can't even say it. These things that I see on YouTube are so absolutely damaging and so ridiculously one sided that there's no balance on social media. And what I'm telling you is that there is balance, man. So number three is why don't you try to go into it? And what I mean by going into it and give this a thumbs up, give this a like, write me a comment if you'd like me to create a beautiful meditation for you around how to go into this sense, this sensible oneness, and I'll guide you right through a baby. Okay. Why don't you just sit and with compassion, not judgment, you know what you can say to yourself? I think I talked about this, to talk I did about a month ago is you ask yourself, okay, Scott, okay, Jimmy, okay, Laura, okay, Sandra, okay, Jennifer, okay, Isaac, if you're if that's your name, please comment. You say, what is this all about? Beautiful words, beautiful words. What is this sense all about? Is this sense telling me something? What's it telling me? Sometimes emotions tell us a lot. Sometimes they don't have to tell us anything. It's like I'm sad. I'm just sad. I don't want to, I don't want to zen into it. I don't need, I'm just sad. I'm going to have a day. Cool. I'm lonely. I'm going to have the day. Cool. Once in a while, ask yourself, what is this all about? Write it down. This is free education, baby. Isn't YouTube amazing? Isn't it amazing? It's so great that I can share this with you because it's really helped me a lot in so many focusing exercises of what is this all about? You know, I yell at Vanessa or I get angry at this or I'm short with this person on the phone and I just want to rush through the day and I'm like, what's the rushing all about, man? What's going on? Why are you angry, huh? Pair it yourself, whatever, whatever therapists and shit say. Just be kind to yourself and see what it's all about, okay? So that's number three. If you can go into it, that's awesome. And here's number four. You don't have to go into it if you don't want to. How about that one? Distract yourself. If you're lonely, you don't want to go into it. You don't want to think about it. I don't know. Play some video games, watch some TV, read a book, get involved in somebody else's story to relieve yourself of the tedium of existence, of your own living. Because the more we focus on ourselves, man, the more miserable we can be if it's not in balance, right? It's always me, me, me, that gets exhausting, that gets boring, gets self-centered, the world becomes small. Open up your world a bit. Watch some Arthur, learn some beautiful life lessons. Watch some Ninja Turtles from 1987. Play some old Mario, right? Watch Lizzie McGuire. I'm trying to hit the audience right here. What else would you buy? I don't know. Watch old episodes at Dexter. I'm watching House right now. I've never seen House and it's awesome, but House, like, is he ever going to change? The demeanor, he's such a dink. House is almost like the internal critic, right? It's that internal dialogue of, oh my gosh, you're never good enough. It's unbelievable. Do something to distract yourself, okay? Now, this is a big one too. I might play you a song. I might play you a song. We'll see. The title of this video is by a band called Third World. I think they're out of somewhere in the Caribbean. And the song's called If You're Lonely, You're Not the Only One. Check it out. And it goes, if you're out there somewhere feeling lonely, you're not the only one. You're not the only one. If you're out there somewhere feeling lonely, you're not the only one. I'm fringing myself out. You're not the only one. Repeat it. Ooh, that can be your mantra, man. You're talking to other people. You're talking to yourself. You're saying, I'm not the only one. You're not the only one. It's beautiful. Make it a mantra. Sing a song about it. So the song is amazing. Check it out. Makes me feel better when I'm in those times of loneliness and put your loneliness to work. That's what this is for. That's what this notebook's for too. Put your loneliness to work. The best songs, man. The best song come out of, unfortunately, like desperation, loneliness, heartbreak, challenge, suffering. Listen to the best songs of all time. Except for like Earth, Wind, and Fire. Those people, those guys were just happy, nonstop. So it can come from happiness for sure. But all you Taylor Swift fans, man, I can't wait till she gets another broken heart, right? Adele, I can't wait till she goes through another breakup before she gets a new album out because it's a source of so much. Put your loneliness to work. You never try poetry? Write a damn poem. You never play an instrument? Try the recorder. Try a little keyboard. Get GarageBand for free on the app store and write a little synthesizer thing with your keyboard. Hum. Something. Anything. Draw. But Scott, I don't draw. I don't care. Draw out. Excuse me. Draw out what loneliness feels like to you. Feels like a squiggle. Close your eyes with it. It's squiggling and then it's, I don't know, it's turning into a wave and then there's this cliff and then there's, I don't know, a bunch of deer falling off the cliff and then there's Simba at the bottom and Mufasa. Whatever it feels like to you, write it out. Express it. Move through it. There's times where we can avoid, distract. I'm not going to say that's a bad thing, man. It's a pattern interruption. It's a change. It's changing your state. Getting out of loneliness is a good thing. And then there's other moments where the sense calls for it to be heard. Give it a try. Go in. Ask it. Okay? So you know this is available all the time. It's Patreon.com slash Scott St. Marie. If you're looking to express your loneliness, talk to me and other people and just have a chat. We meet every month. It's just a way for you to support these videos because they rarely have sponsorships, if at all. It's a way for you to support it. A couple bucks, you get a community feel every month. What I'm also releasing, Vanessa and I, it's going to be eight weeks with me about going into the senses, about how to deal with anxiety, how to deal with an overwhelming sense of loneliness, sadness, depression. It's not going to be eight weeks to your perfect self. I'm not a snake oil salesman, but it is going to help so much because we're going to meet every single week for eight weeks. We're going to meet eight times and I'm giving you specific things to do every single day between each class. This is what mindfulness based stress reduction did for me for the eight week program. It was amazing and it changed me so much and I actually might sign up to it again to get a refresh because it keeps you disciplined every single day for two whole months and you take that with you. If you're interested in joining this, I'm going to take like 15 people max, small group maybe 20, and we're going to work together for eight weeks. The link is going to be in the description or in tagged comment thing. Click it if you want to join the wait list and if you don't make it this time, I'll be sure to include you next time. That's about it. Have yourself an awesome week. If you're lonely, if you're out there, you're not the only one. I feel you. I see you and it'll be okay. It'll be okay. Take care. Oh, like and subscribe and stuff. If you like the video, comment. Make yourself seen in the comments. Tell me something that you like, something that you're good at and I'll read it and a lot of people will make yourself seen. Take care.