 RCA Victor, world leader in radio, first in recorded music, and first in television, presents transcribe the Phil Harris Alice Faye Show. Your enjoyment here is the Phil Harris Alice Faye Show, written by Ray Singer and Dick Chevrolet, with Elliot Lewis, Walter Tetley, Robert North, Jeanine Rousse, and Whitfield, Walter Sharpen is music, and yours truly, Bill Foreman. Tonight, Frankie attempts to put across one of his big business deals. If he succeeds, this will make Remly one of the biggest stars in television. More about that later, but first a word from RCA Victor. RCA's world famous research centers and RCA's incomparable research facilities have been responsible for every major advance in television. It's a magnificent record, a great achievement. And now, RCA's continuing research has gone on to develop a completely new circuit system that now brings you television with picture power. Take the Covington, for example. The Covington is a new RCA Victor superset, and it brings you the clearest, strongest pictures ever, thanks to picture power. Deep in the city or out in the country, in any television area, this beautiful 17 inch console superset brings in the best reception possible. And when you buy the Covington, be sure to ask about RCA Victor's factory service contract. When you buy RCA Victor television with RCA factory service, you get television's greatest combination. Brought to you by RCA Victor, cornerstone of home entertainment for three generations. And now the stars of the RCA Victor program, Alice Faye and Phil Harris. It's early morning in the Harris household and the family is having a nice quiet breakfast when suddenly the telephone rings. Hello, this is the home of Phil Harris and the star of the RCA Victor radio program. Oh, Curly, this is Frankie. I got great news for you. A sponsor just signed me to star on my own television show. Oh, well, that's very nice. But don't you think you should have called Ava first? Why should I call Ava? You must be Sinatra. You can't be the Frankie, I know. I'm not Sinatra. Curly, this is Francis. Oh, the talking mule. Hey, is it true that you're that way about Trigger? Don't be a wise guy. This is Frankie Remley and a sponsor signed me to star on my own television show. What do you think of that? Come right over here. I want to smell your breath. Bring the sponsor with you, too. He gets a saliva test. Don't be a funny man. One thing I can't stand, it's a wise Cherokee drummer. This is on the level. In fact, I'm going to sign the contract with the sponsor now. Oh, by the way, how's Alice feeling? She feels fine. Good. Keep her that way. See you later, Curly. Hey, Remley, look. Remley, I, Remley. I can't believe it. What sponsor at hire Remley? What can the guy be selling? Fingerprint remover? This is the darkest thing I ever heard of. Phil, who have you been talking to for the, Phil, what's the matter? You look like you've had a shock. Yes, Philip, you look awfully pale. All the blood is drained out of your eyes. Well, what's wrong? Frankie just called. Oh, what a horrible thing to have happen while you're eating. What did the gremlin have to say? Well, he had some news for me. Good news or bad news? Well, it depends. If you don't have a television set, it's good news. But if you've got one, you're better off dead. You know something Remley is going to do his own television show, and he, Alice, stop taking the tubes out of our set. I can't believe it. Who would want to hire Frankie? He doesn't have any talent as far as I consider... Wait, wait, wait a minute. Now, hold it a minute. He does have talent. Well, he does. You ought to see him at parties. He does great barnyard imitation. Well, what kind of barnyard imitation? He acts like a jackass, dresses like a scarecrow, and eats like a pig. I suppose you think that's easy. You know something, Alice, I've been thinking, if Frankie can get into television, why can't we? We could do... Now, save your breath. We have a successful radio show, and that keeps us busy enough. I have no intention of taking another job. Well, why not, Alice? Well, you could use the extra money. True. True. You need extra money like Gary Cooper needs elevator shoes. Alice, TV is a big thing. Now forget it, Phil. As long as we're doing this show, nobody can talk me into going into television. All right, all right, if that's the way you feel about it. I can't understand it. I wonder what Remly promised that sponsor to get him to hire me. Well, it's a pleasure to do business with a sponsor like you, Mr. Finkelfinger. You'll never be sorry you signed me to star on your TV show. I certainly hope not. Of course, I was counting on getting the Lonesome Gal. Well, don't you worry. The girl I'm getting in to take her place on my show is even better than the Lonesome Gal. Are you sure? I'm positive. Alice Faye will be sensational as the Desolate Dame. Well, I don't know about that title. Miss Faye is too nice to be called a dame. Well, all right, we'll change the title. We'll call her the Forlorn Frail. Or how about the Torchy Tomato? That's a good one. Then it's all set. Our contract's in effect. Not so fast. Nothing is in effect until you get Alice Faye to sign this contract. She has to sign it? Mm-hmm. I may look like a schnook, but I'm not. Well, if you insist, I'll go over to her house and get her signature. Good. You get the contract signed and bring Miss Faye to NBC today at five o'clock for rehearsal. Okay. See you later, Fink. Gotta figure out a way to get Alice to sign this contract. She may not want to be the Torchy Tomato. I'd better not tell her what kind of show it's going to be. First, I'll trick her into signing, then I'll tell her. Hiya, Curly. Where's Alice? She's inside, Remly. Look, I gotta know something. Where on earth did you ever find the sponsor? Never mind. I managed to dig one up. How deep do you have to go? Remly, what makes you think that you've got enough talent to have your own show? Curly, that isn't just my opinion. A lot of people think I have talent. Name one. My psychiatrist. And he's not alone. His psychiatrist agrees with him. Oh, gonna do your show from the couch, huh? Hello, Frankie. Hi, Alice. Hey, what's this wild rumor I hear about you getting your own show? What kind of a show is it going to be? Uh, before I answer that, would you mind signing this? Well, what is it? My report card. You sign right here and... Oh, stop it. Come on, tell us. What is the name of your new show? Frank Remly, typical American boy. You're gonna portray the typical American boy? Who's your sponsor, Russia? Remly, you could never carry a show along. I don't intend to. I'm planning on using a young lady. Who is the young lady, Frankie? I can't tell you that, Alice, until you sign for this telegram. Frankie, what are you up to? Nothing. I just came over to hear Alice sing. Well, what brought this on? Why do you want to hear her sing? Yes, Frankie, why do you want to hear me sing? Well, I... That's enough reason for me. I'll do it. What are you gonna do? Now you wanna play, then it's no. And when you say you'll stay, that's when you go. You're undecided now. So what are you gonna do? I've been sitting on a fence, and it doesn't make much sense, cause you keep me in suspense, then you know it. Then you promise to return, when you don't, I really burn. Well, I guess I'll never learn a nice show. If you got a heart and if you're kind, don't keep us apart, make up your mind. You're undecided now. So what are you gonna do? It seems that you keep slowly driving us crazy. We can't make head or tail out of you. My mind's gone, and I feel that everything's hazy. Don't know exactly just what to do. What are you gonna do? First you say you do, and then you don't. And then you say you will, and then you won't. I'm undecided now. So what am I gonna do? So undecided, undecided. Now you wanna play, and then it's no. And when you say you'll stay, that's when you go. I'm undecided now. I don't know if it doesn't make much sense, cause you keep us in suspense and you know it. Head off promise to return, when you don't we really burn. Well I guess I'll never learn a nice show. If you got a heart and if you're kind, then don't keep us apart, make up your mind. You're undecided now. So what are you gonna do? Time make up your mind, don't be undecided now. So what are you gonna do? You're a great singing star and I am an ardent fan of yours. Oh gosh. Do I have your autograph? You certainly. Here's a pen and paper. Where do you want me to sign? Right here under the small print. Just a minute. This looks like a contract to me. Let me see that out. It is a contract. Remly, what are you trying to pull? What kind of contract are you trying to get Alice to sign? Well I might as well tell you. I'm gonna make Alice one of the biggest stars on television, and this contract will appear on my show. Done what? Curly, do you ever hear the lonesome gal? Hey, you mean that sexy dame who's on the air every night? The one with a sultry voice who makes love to you and makes you think you're the only man in the world, the one who has you drooling and makes goose pimples? Bill? Never heard of her. All right. That's exciting. Who is this lonesome gal? What does she do? She has a radio program on which she uses a very intimate style. She talks to the men in the radio audience and brings romance into their lives. I want you to do the same thing on television, Alice. You'll be sensationally bad. Remly, what a disgusting idea. I won't let my wife make a spectacle of herself. What's wrong with it? You like the lonesome gal? That's different. She's a woman. What do you think Alice is? Don't tell him, Frankie. He thinks I'm a female impersonator. Oh, I do not. Frankie, I'm not interested. This type of thing, really, I couldn't. Who could do it better? Who has as much beauty, as much charm, as much appeal for the men as the glamorous Alice Faye? I don't care if she's got it. Hold it, Faye. Let this boy talk. Thank you. Alice, since you stopped making pictures, millions of men have become hermits and gone to live in caves waiting for your return. Frankie, Alice don't have that much appeal. If she don't, why'd you marry her? I had to. Them hermits had all the good caves taken. I've got to live someplace, you know. I ain't going to have the woman I love parading her charms in front of millions of other guys. What a selfish attitude. Well, I don't care. No, she's right, Curly. Beauty like this only comes once in a lifetime. Not meant for just one man to gaze at. Nature has created this wonder for all men to feast their eyes upon. You can see her at night with them colored lights on her. What are you talking about? Well, from the description, you must be at least Niagara Falls. You mind if I roll over you in a barrel? Oh, Robert Phil. You know, Frankie is right. I do belong to the world. And if millions of men are waiting to behold me, I must sacrifice my personal desires and appear before them. Alice, you're my wife and I won't let you do it. Sorry, Wonga. This is bigger than both of us. Honestly, I'll do it, Frankie. Now, wait a minute, Alice. I'm your husband. Oh, there, that's another thing, Curly. If Alice is going to be the sweetheart of every man in America, she can't have a husband. You understand, don't you? Oh, of course. You don't mind, do you? No, no, no. I was planning to do away with myself this weekend anyway. Would you? Later. What? Look, Curly, we don't expect you to kill yourself. Oh, well, that's real wide of you, kid. That's fine. No, all we want you to do is keep out of the way for a while until we want you. Well, why don't you just package me in the deep freeze till you need me, you know? And break off a piece here and there, and that way you'll be, you know, I mean, you guys are crazy, Alice. You can't be serious about this. Oh, but I am. Frankie, I'll sign the contract. Yeah, good. Now we'd better rehearse your new character because we've got to meet the sponsor this afternoon at NBC. Here's a little dialogue I wrote for you, Alice. Try it. All right. Hello, lover. This is your torchy tomato. I... Oh, Frankie. I'm not going to be known as the torchy tomato. How about the sultry succotash? Or the clinging cucumber? Or the exotic eggplant? Or our return-up, maybe? Look, Alice, when you play this character, you have to put a little more oomph into it. All right. Try it again. Okay. Hello, lover. Are you lonesome? Well, don't be. I'm with you, baby. That's it, Alice. You got it. You got it. She's got what? She's got what? The voice. She'll be perfect for the party. Look, I'm not going to let her talk like that. Now, look, Alice, I'm the boss of this family, and I'm not going to let you make a fool of yourself. Go away, big boy. You're bothering me. And turn that motor off. Oh, the doorbell. I'll get it. There's a door. Hi, Miss Fair, I'm from the groceries. Oh, hello, Junior. I'm glad to see you. Come on in and bring your basket with you. Come on, Miss Fair, you got stomach cramps. Of course not. Oh, I'm glad you brought the things I ordered. Oh, what beautiful groceries. They're positively divine. I never saw anybody get so passionate over half a pound of locks. Junior, you're a darling for bringing these things over, and I'll never forget you, you little angel. How much do I owe you, precious? Forget it, sweetheart. There'll be no charge tonight. Alice, I won't have you talking that way to the grocery boy. Save it for the milk man, we owe him more money. Now, keep it up, Alice. That voice will kill him. Oh, glad you like it, baby. Miss Fair, this ain't like you. What are you talking like this for? Oh, Remli got her a job in television doing a lonesome gal routine. Junior, you know she's going to get up in front of a camera and make love to every man in the country. I forbid it. So do I. I will not have lunch in the front of millions of other gods. That's exactly the way I feel. You keep out of this, Mac. Now, Junior, there's nothing wrong with what I'm going to do. If I can make some lonesome men happy, I think I ought to do it. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going upstairs and get dressed for my new character. And, uh, don't go away, boys. I'll be back. Uh, I'm going over now and show the signed contract to the sponsor. Oh, by the way, Curly, I forgot to tell Alice what time the rehearsal is. It's at five o'clock, so see that she gets there. Bye. There goes a nice kid. Yeah, he's got all the charm of a stopped-up sink. That's very charming, too, isn't it? I know we got, hey, wait a minute, hold everything. I got it, Julius. Look, we'll tell Alice that the rehearsal is at six o'clock instead of five, and then we'll get another girl to show up at five o'clock. Yeah. All we gotta do is get a girl that the sponsor won't like and I'll go just the girl. Now, good. You have her at NBC at five and I'll tell Alice the rehearsal is at six. Hey, by the way, Julius, are you sure the sponsor won't like this name? Nobody in their right mind would like this name. You know what she does for a living? No. She's the girl. Where Alice is. She's supposed to meet me here at the studio at five o'clock after that now. Hope she gets here before the sponsor. Oh, Remly. Hey, I'm sorry I'm late. Oh, yeah. Where's Alice? Hey, I got bad news for you, kid. Huh? Well, Alice changed her mind. She decided not to go through with this television show idea. Curly, she can't do that to me. She signed a contract and the sponsor is expecting her. All right. Take it easy, Remly. Take it easy. I know how much this means to you. Do you think I'd let you down? I got you a girl who's even more glamorous than Alice. She is? Believe me, this girl will appeal to every man because she has a dandy femininity that's irresistible. Sounds great. Where is she? Well, she'll be a little late. When she got home from work, she had trouble getting out of her work clothes. She couldn't find a wrench. A wrench? Sure. How else can you get out of a deep-sea diving suit? Oh, I can't wait to see this waterlogged babe. You'll love her. Julius is going to bring her over and then you'll see, hey, wait a minute, Remly. Hey, look out there. There she is, standing in the doorway with Julius now. I don't want to seem nosy, but which is which? She's the one who's stooped over. You mean the one who looks like she's reaching for a cigar butt? Why is she stooped over? She has the bends. Just underwater a little too long today. She'll come right out of it in a minute. Curly, are you trying to ruin me? That girl couldn't go on television. She'd scare everybody. Remly, you haven't seen her close up. This is a lovely creature. She has a delicate, dressed in like beauty that... Did you ever see Jane Wyman in the blue veil? Yeah. Well, this kid's complexion is the same color as the veil. Maybe blue. Now look, wait a minute. I broke the girl. Oh, good, Julius. Good. Call her over here. I wanted to meet Mr. Remly. Okay. Oh, bubbles! Why don't you fire a shot across her bow? Meet Bubbles. How do you do? What are you doing to me? I can't use this sea serpent. Remly, Remly. Remly looks her only skin deep. This girl has it all in her voice. Will you hear her soft, sultry delivery? And she's intelligent too. She can talk on any subject. Now go ahead, ask her something. Okay. Bubbles? What? You seen any good oyster beds lately? Now that you mention it, I saw a few while I was dredging the Los Angeles Harbor this morning. Curly, gaff this thing and scale it before the sponsor gets there. Remly, will you give the girl a chance she ain't dried out yet? She'll be all right. Look, she can become very alluring when she wants to. When she uses her seductive voice, the effect she has on men is overpowering. It's gorgeous. Go ahead, Bubbles, show him. Hello, lover. Here I am again, baby. Put your arms around me and hold me close. Oh, sweet ecstasy. You're the only man for me, lover boy. Oh, point me close, mother. I'm on my way to heaven. Leave me, baby, because I... Bubbles, stop. I can't stand this old, those pains. All right, you guys, break it up. I'm not gonna let you do it. Hello, Mr. Remly. I'm sorry, I'm late. Oh, oh, oh. Hello, Mr. Finkelfinger. Uh, uh... Curly, I want you to meet my sponsor, Mr. Finkelfinger. Glad to know you. Any Finkelfinger of Frankie's is a finger-finkel amount. I'm sorry, I can't be waiting, Ms. Bay. I... I... Hey. Oh, brother, hey, she aged. Look, Finke, this girl is... I know movie stars don't look as good off-screen as they do on. And then it's ridiculous. No, no, Finkelhauser, uh... I'm tearing up the contract and you can forget the whole thing. Yeah, but Mr. Finkelfinger, come back. Uh... Curly, you ruined my career. Oh, don't worry. You still have me, lover. Thanks, Loads, but you better get out of here fast. They're after you. Who's after me? Shrimp boat is a common. Their sales are in sight. You'd better get lost or they'll catch you tonight. So hurry, hurry, hurry home. Hurry, hurry, hurry home. Shrimp boat. Allison Phil will be back in just a moment. Here are three reasons why you'll find the RCA Victor 45 system of recorded music is the best you can buy. To begin with, the RCA Victor 45 sounds better than any other system of recorded music, and that's most important. Recorded music has never before been so brilliantly reproduced, so free of distortion and annoying surface noise. It's almost impossible to tell the recorded music from an actual performance. Secondly, RCA Victor's 45 system is easier to play. There are no clamps or posts to adjust. Simply pile a stack of records on a big center spindle, press a button, and listen to almost an hour of music. And the RCA Victor 45 system of recorded music costs less too. So for a wonderful Christmas present, give the gift that keeps on giving any 45 RPM record player made by RCA Victor, Cornerstone of Home Entertainment for three generations. You've been a wonderful audience. We're running late. Thank you, and good night, everyone. Good night, everybody. This program is produced and transcribed by Paul Phillips. Remember, whether you're buying a television set, a radio, a Victrole phonograph, or record, put your faith in the Cornerstone of American Home Entertainment for three generations. RCA Victor, world leader in radio, first in television. Next, Theatre Guild on the Air stars Rosalind Russell and Walter Abel on NBC.