 We are on chapter four now, that's great. We've finished about a hundred pages, we're about a third way done with the book. Now we go into part two, part two is about how to cope. So this is a lot about focusing on ourselves and it's a really great topic for right before Ramadan. Self-care sounds like a topic that is difficult to understand and almost selfish when it comes to the idea that we need to take care of our loved ones. You can almost think of this and the concepts within this like developing a stronger connection with Allah, developing a connection with Allah that leads to more peace in our lives. So for example, in chapter four, it starts talking about a couple concepts. One of the concepts is awareness. So it uses this term constantly over and over again, and it has a subsection called awareness. The second concept is acceptance. And it uses this concept over and over again, this term acceptance. When we look at awareness, awareness is a concept within our Dean. For example, Allah says in the Quran in Surah Al-Zumr, ayah 47, وَبَدَالَهُمْ مِنَ اللَّهِ مَالَمْ يَكُونُوا يَحْتَسِبُونَ And it occurred to them from Allah, talking about the Mushirkeen, it occurred to them from Allah that which they were not expecting, that which they were not aware of, almost like they show up on the Day of Judgment and all of those things they were unaware of, surprise them and show up. So the idea of constantly taking a counter of ourselves and being aware of what's going on with our lives, aware of what's going on with our situation is incredibly important within our Dean and something that we are taught to do before it gets too late. Umar Allah said, حَاسِبُ أنْ فُسَكُمْ قَبْلَ أنْ تُحَاسِبُونَ Again, this idea of مُحَاسِبَ taking a count of yourselves before you're taking a count of, so the accounting is going to occur. The idea within our Dean is to be aware of the actions that we're doing and have some sort of way to track that before it's tracked for us or accounted for us. So that's awareness and we have within our daily practice, the five daily prayers, these times in the day where we can stick stakes down and become aware of what's going on within our lives. So developing more of awareness of the presence of Allah, but then also having this opportunity to kind of see what happens between each prayer and take an account of what's happened between the prayer. Now the second concept is acceptance. Acceptance is a really important concept within recovery and for people who are suffering with a loved one with addiction. And you'll see this concept continuously coming back up. And it's a complicated concept. That's why it needs explaining. Acceptance is an approving of our loved one's addiction. It's just accepting that this situation is occurring. And in our Dean, the way we would look at it is like accepting the will of Allah, accepting Allah's will. So let's look into this a little bit more. Why do we accept the will of Allah? Well, there's a wisdom in everything Allah does. So there's a Hikmah in His action. So everything that occurs in front of us, everything that occurs in our lives, is not disattached from the wisdom of Allah. So there's a wisdom in everything that happens. Bad things do not happen for no reason. Sometimes we're aware of the reason in this life. And sometimes we're not aware of the reason. But there's a Hikmah. And even if we're not aware of the Hikmah, we know that we're rewarded for any of the difficulties that we go through in our lives. So any emotional turmoil, even the thorn prick of the believer is rewarded. And so once we can accept that, that there's already some sort of lesson or some wisdom in it, then we can rapidly move to the next step, which is taking responsibility for the problem. So again, accepting that it's occurring allows us to get to the more important stage, which is taking responsibility for the problem and finding a solution. Because if we get stuck on why this is happening, then we're not able to start working on the constructive part of, OK, let's accept it's happening and let's do something about it. Allah says in the Qur'an Surah An-Biyah, ayah 23, the 21st chapter. He's not asked about what he does. So we already know there's a Hikmah in what he does. That's a blessing within itself that we know there's a wisdom in this. That's a blessing in it. But he's not going to be asked about what's the wisdom, you know, tell us what's going on, but we'll be asked. So it's important for us to start focusing on our responsibility. And when we focus on our responsibility, then we're able to start making things happen. It's like someone who says Allah made me hungry. Why did Allah make me hungry instead of just seeking out food? And they have the ability to seek out food. They have the time and energy, but instead they diverted into. Getting lost and not being able to accept their situation. Or why doesn't Allah cure me? And then they don't take the medication. It's almost as if we're saying we've done everything that was asked us from us. We've done everything that was asked from us. Why is this thing not happening? So there's more to this and this is a deep concept. But we accept Allah's will because there's a Hikmah in it. Even if we don't know it, there's a reward. And then oftentimes what we see with addiction treatment, when people do recover, the loved one and the family members, is that the addiction set them up for greater things in life. So greater emotional well-being, greater peace, a stronger connection with Allah, a stronger connection with their family member. So the coping skills, the communication, the lessons learned that were necessary to survive the addiction were things that they go ahead in. And they they took with them to get greater things, the destinations in the journey. So when after we understand why we accept the will of Allah, then it's important to understand what is the will of Allah, because this is really important. And when we understand this properly, it can lead to a lot of peace of mind. So when we looked at when we look at the past, we know Allah willed it for us because it occurred. So it already occurred. So we know Allah willed it for us. So our responsibility there is acceptance, again, acceptance. Now, and in understanding the wisdom and understanding that there is the wisdom, so on and so forth. When we look at the future, we don't know what Allah wills because we don't know what occurred. So our responsibility there is to take responsibility for the future and do everything within our power to change things, take all means, all of the as-baba possible to change things. So again, we don't want to we don't want to look at the future and say, oh, we know they're going to use drugs and alcohol anyway. They've been using drugs and alcohol in the past. It's just going to happen in the future. There's nothing we can do about it and resign. We're not accepting that. We're not approving of that. What we're doing is we're looking to the future and we're saying we don't know if they're going to continue to use drugs and alcohol. Maybe tomorrow is the day that they're arrested. They go and do 30 days in jail. They get into drug court. They follow up with rehab and then they're down that whole rabbit hole of recovery. Maybe there is a hospitalization and then they're down the rabbit hole of recovery. So we don't know what's going to happen in the future. And that's the problem. We don't want to do is like take half measures and then spend the other half of the time worrying about the outcome or why it's happening. So we don't want to take, you know, the person in recovery themselves. They don't want to go do half of the work, go to half of the meetings, do half of the rehab and then spend the rest of the time worrying about what the outcome is going to be, what's going to happen, why is this happening? What the believer does is they take all of the SBAB, all of the means, all of the resources at their disposal. They apply themselves fully to that. They don't minimize what's the opportunities that they have. They maximize the opportunities and do as much work as they can. At the same time, they resign the outcome to Allah. And so what this leads to is it increases our energy to do the work that we need to do. That's going to help us change and change our situations. And it leads to a calmness and a tranquility in resigning the outcome to Allah. So when we talk about the will of Allah, it's important to recognize that. How it works and how we conceptualize it. And almost, you can almost think of like tranquility and peace around the situation is a signal that we are utilizing this concept appropriately of accepting the will of Allah, accepting the outcome and just doing the next right thing. OK, so let's go into the text. Chapter four, start where you are. It starts with a thorough quote, things do not change. We change, which is such a great point. So chapter four, page 89. It talks about how everybody wants to jump to the how you can help section. And that's a natural impulse. We all want to do that. And it's very hard to focus on this part, which is how do we care for ourselves during this process? And it says, we know you are anxious to get on the business with helping. So remember, this is the business of helping. So taking care of ourselves is important. They give the example of putting your oxygen mask on in an airplane that's going down or that's in turbulence before going to help other people. Because if you run out of oxygen, you're not going to be of any use to anybody else. This is a race. It's I'm sorry, this is a marathon. It's not a race. So in a marathon, you have to pace yourself. You have to be well fed, so on and so forth. It's not cramming before the exam. It's studying for a long term exam. This is a long term project. So when we do that, you want to make sure you're well fed. You're getting a good sleep. You have a sense of balance in your life. And then you'll be able to weather the storm to get success. So it goes on to the next, the third paragraph to say, in this chapter, you'll see how change starts paradoxically with awareness and acceptance of the way things are. And it talks about how in previous chapters, we looked at how to understand addiction, motivation, how people change. And then there's several exercises to guide in developing awareness and acceptance, the concepts that are so important to this chapter. It talks about how it's important that we validate that pain of your current position is occurring and not minimizing that and that it can certainly not feel fair that this is happening to us, but through acceptance and awareness, taking that those perspectives and practicing those perspectives really, because it's easy to intellectually understand those, but a different story of implementing them. But by practicing the acceptance and awareness, we're able to move forward much more quickly. So in the next page, page 90, it talks about under the section that says, how are you? It talks about how many of us tend to avoid ourselves, especially when we're going through this difficult problem of dealing with a loved one with addiction. So I thought that was really insightful. It says that you may go into an autopilot mode to avoid distress. So in other words, instead of being aware of your problem or being present with your problem, in this situation, what's occurring is we may go into this autopilot mode where it's easier just to, instead of waking up the next morning and trying to figure out what just happened yesterday in that interaction or that crisis, just kind of getting ready and going to work, and then on the way to work, focusing on a resentment that happened and focusing on what needs to happen at work that day, and then going to work, just going through the motions, almost going into autopilot as a defense mechanism to avoid what's going on in front of us. I thought that was really interesting. And then again, highlighting the importance of developing awareness in order to effectively treat this problem. And then it talks about clinical studies show that caring for a person with a substance problem increases rates of depression, anxiety, physical illness, low self-esteem, low self-esteem, and the people doing the caring. So in people that are dealing with this problem, it's not uncommon for them to have these struggles. And of course, depression, anxiety, and a lot of these issues are not going to allow us to be in our best self to manage that problem. Okay, then it goes into the section on awareness, the awareness section, and it talks about a baseball player. The batter stays present with each ball. So if he strikes out, what a baseball player does is they kind of leave it behind them, stay present for the next pitch in order for them to be able to be in a state which hones their natural and learned abilities and make them most available to them by being present. It talks in the second paragraph, page 91, it talks about in sports psychology, they have a concept called NATO. And this is important because addiction and dealing with addiction is in a lot of ways like a sport and requires the conditioning of it. And the outcome really depends on how much we train. So this concept NATO, NATO, not attached to the outcome. It's a mnemonic we can all use to focus on being in the present moment. So again, sort of resigning the outcome and focusing on doing the next right thing. It goes on to talk about mindfulness, mindful awareness and how modern science is now affirming this as an important practice that not only helps with mental health, but spiritual awakening, solving interpersonal problems, making changes in our lives and other practical skills like business. And then like we mentioned, playing the baseball, it goes into a bunch of bullet points of why awareness is important. And what I'm going to do is just go through the bullet points and you feel free to read these on your own. So the first bullet point is it's in italics. Awareness allows for something different to happen. The second one is learning depends on it. And these concepts are kind of similar in the sense that when we're on autopilot, there's no learning happening. We're only just repeating what our conditioning is. So the more we're able to be aware, either through mindfulness in the present moment or other awareness exercises that will go over in a moment, awareness can be checking in, it can be journaling, it can be checking in in meetings like these with people that can hold us accountable or help us track what's going on, what's working, what's not working. The more we introduce awareness in our life, the more we have opportunities to learn and not simply just repeat. The third italic point is it guides strategic action. So when we're aware of what we're doing and at the same time aware of the ideal, we're able to bridge that discrepancy. The next italics is that counters natural mistakes. The next is perspective requires it. So when we are able to have a different perspective that works more for us, that serves us more, like a perspective of looking at everything happening for a reason or another perspective, it really requires as a first step to be aware of when to apply that and to be aware of how we're thinking about a situation. So again, awareness as an important skill. The next italics is it promotes flexibility. So again, we're not like we're not stuck in our old sort of conditioned patterns. Now with bringing awareness into our situation, we are able to have the consciousness to even try something different. So that's awareness. That's the first major concept. Next major concept is acceptance. And then we'll wrap it up. So awareness is paying attention to what actually is happening. This is page 94. Acceptance is being willing to stay with it. While you sort out what you can change and what you can't, acceptance leads the way to making changes out of the raw material of how things actually are. It puts you in a stronger position to change things. What does that mean? The raw material of how things actually are. If we accept what is in the moment, then we can simply take it for what it is and use it for us as opposed to against us. But if we can't accept what is and we reject it, then we add this extra layer of not accepting the reality. We had this extra rail layer of resentment, hostility and suffering. So it goes on to say at the bottom of that page, 94, we may not like the truth, but it's true anyway. This is not meant to sound harsh. It's to give you permission to stop fighting so much and show you to show you to a calm place in the eye of the storm. Acceptance is a little bit of peace within us, no matter what else is going on. Consider how differently these two reactions are. When something happens, one reaction being, so this is of what's happening as opposed to the second reaction being, I can't believe this. Why is this happening to me? And so, again, calm is a sign that acceptance is working. When you find a sense of calm or almost like a disattachment from what's going on and the waves are still coming, but you're sort of deeper in the ocean. You're deeper, you're rooted deeper. And although the waves are coming, you can watch them and be in a place where it's not dragging you along with it. And that's the importance of acceptance. And really, it's a it's a it's a it's a much more complex concept that we can cover in our short periods of time. So I would encourage everybody to read it. The next on page 95, it talks about a mother daughter relationship. And it talks about how there was a lot of non acceptance in that relationship. And it gives a good example. I'd encourage you to read it. But the bottom we just I had to bring up because it's so enlightening. So at the end of all of it, basically the mom learns to bring acceptance in her life and starts changing her life around, starts focusing on herself more. This ends up to less tension and less ends to the daughter actually making more improvements. You can go and read it more, but this is the the important part. The mom said that she hadn't so much gotten her life back as much as she realized that this was her life. And she found a new way to deal with it, which not only allowed her to live that life, but then also create a circumstance that got her loved one to get better faster. So it's a win-win situation. Playing the martyr sounds nice, but it rarely leads to anything constructive. Page 96, it talks on the top of the page of types of non acceptance. So if the idea of acceptance is, is, is complicating, evading us, you can start with what are the types of non acceptance? It says wishful thinking, avoidance, hostility, resentment or forms of non acceptance. And they're like quicksand, quicksand from which you and change cannot move forward. The more you try, the more you sink in. When we accept what is hard, we don't make it harder than it is. There's another example. I'm going to go ahead and go to page 97, the power of powerlessness section. This will be the last section talks about how in Al-Anon and 12 step programs, step one calls for acceptance, specifically accepting or admitting powerlessness over compulsions to use substances. The step is meant to be empowering. And for many people, it is others find the concepts of self empowerment or willpower, the real driving force of change. They're both saying the same thing. And everything we know about motivation and change suggests that power and powerlessness come with the territory of caring about somebody with a substance problem. You have the power to help someone change. So even in the 12 step program, sure, there's some things outside of our control that we're powerless over, but there's so much that the 12 step program encourages within your control, go to meetings and do other action steps as well. And the next section will learn helping strategies that are proven to be effective. But in any given interaction, you will not be able to control the outcome. Even if we are empowered to take certain actions, the outcomes of those actions were powerless to get towards. So we have the power to do the next right thing, but we don't have it within our power of what that's going to lead to. So for your part, as you attempt to change your behavior, you may fully intend to stay calm in a difficult conversation, but you may still lose your cool in that moment. Part of it's within your control, part of it you're powerless against. And then it goes into other examples of that distinction. And finally, it ties it all in. You need awareness and acceptance because you can only do so much, accepting that only so much of the situation is in your control will help you make the frustration and fear that come with awareness manageable. So now page 99, we're going to go into the exercises. So it talks about exercises to build your awareness. It talks about a scale that you can use to build your awareness. And it talks about writing and journaling to build your awareness. Any scientist journals his findings. This didn't work. Then they start another date. This worked, but not enough. Then they start another date. And that process is incredibly important to track what's going on and improve any physician writes notes, nurses, therapists write notes for the same reason. And so it's such an important tool for us as well. And it talks about tracking. And then it talks about borrowing perspective. And I'm just going to read this paragraph and we'll wrap up. The borrowing perspective on page 101, the last page of this chapter, sometimes awareness evolves backward. When someone asks if there's anything bothering you or when someone else notices that you're slamming the dishes into the dishwasher or that there's an edge to your voice. If you're open to feedback, you can use it to bring your own awareness around that. So in other words, awareness can actually be prompted by signals like if we get into a fight or if we end up making a mistake on something that we've been trying to change, we can use that almost as a signal that, hey, pay attention, bring awareness into the situation in order for it to change. OK, with that, we'll go into the PowerPoint and we'll end the first part of this.