 If you're ever in a jam, here I am. If you're ever in a mess, just S-O-S. If you ever lost your teeth and you're out to die, borrow mine. It's friendship, friendship, just a perfect plan, ship when other friendships are then forgot. There's will still be hot, blah, blah, blah, big, big, big. Something to sing about, and they can sing about it maybe because they haven't any friends. But I'm singing the blues about it because I got a friend. My friend Irma. The Columbia Broadcasting System presents a new comedy show, My Friend Irma. Soaring Marie Wilson as Irma and Kathy Lewis as Jane. Friendship is a thing that's been around all through the ages. Like measles. That's how it's been with my friend Irma. I love that girl. Most people do. It's just that Mother Nature gave some girls brains, intelligence, wit, cleverness. But with Irma, well, Mother Nature slipped her a mickey. Gee, you know, I'll never forget the first time I met her. I was walking along looking for a place to live in New York. And by a strange coincidence, I am having a very tough time. And I keep bumping into people, and I keep saying I'm sorry. Oh, excuse me. Excuse me, please. Excuse me until I know. Oh, excuse me. I just never look where I'm going. I just keep walking with my head held high, just like the doctor told me. And taking deep breaths and hailing and exhaling like this. And keep telling to myself, one, two, three, four. Look, honey, would you stop counting long enough to help me up? Oh, of course, you must be very uncomfortable on your knees. Oh, no, no, not at all. I love it down here. If I was Al Jolson. Did you see that picture, the Jolson story? I just loved it. I just cried, cried, cried. Fine, fine. Now, would you please help me up? Oh, certainly. Here, give me your hand. Oh, my, what a lovely ring. You know, my boyfriend, Al, was going to give me one, just like that. We had it all picked out on. You know what happened? It wouldn't fit your nose. Well, it wasn't for my nose. It was for my finger. It wouldn't have fit my nose. I wish it had. I could have pulled myself up. Well, you want to get up, don't you? If you please. I can't make much time crawling. I can't either. I always walk. Well, here we go. Ups and daisies. Oh, careful of that dress. We ripped it, didn't we? Yes. Yes, we did. But you know something? They're wearing split skirts in New York this year. Yeah, sure, but not all the way up to the neck. No, it's too bad they're not wearing split heads. I'd say we haven't been introduced yet. My name's Irma. What's yours? Goodbye. What a non-usual name. What's your last name? Forever. That's pretty. Oh, Irma. That's when I should have run, but I didn't. Instead, I moved in with her in that one room furnished freight elevator she called home. Telephone's ringing. Aren't you going to answer? I don't know if it's for me. I'll take a chance. It's not your nickel. Hello? Yes, she's here. Jane, it's for me. Irma. You know, if Marconi knew you were going to use the telephone, he never would have invented it. Jane, I'm surprised at you, Alexander Graham. Bill invented the telephone, not Marconi. You see, I'm beginning to think like you. Guys, everybody knows that Marconi invented spaghetti. Irma, the telephone. Oh, hello? Jane, it's Al. What are you waiting for? Run down the police station with the bail. Oh, now don't be silly. He's not in jail. Hello, Al? Irma, you're the only girl I know that talks on the telephone in Morse code. Goodbye. Jane, Al's coming over. Oh, honey, why do you have to spoil our Sunday by having that no good broken down phony windbag over? Jane. Yes? What's your opinion of Al? I like him. I think he's a live wire, and it's just a matter of time before they hook him up and put a chair under him. Mom, Jane, Al's a gentleman. While last night, he took me to the movies, and afterwards we had a soda. And before he said good night, he returned what was left of my $2. Al has a good heart. If he has, he stole it. Jane, please don't pick on Al. He's just as good as your Richard Rhinelander the Third. That was my blood pressure rising. She would mention his name. You see, Richard Rhinelander the Third is my boss, and I'm his private secretary. I'm in love with him, but I have no chance to marry him because he's Richard Rhinelander the Third, and I'm Jane Stacey the First. I've tried everything. I told him I lived in a very intellectual atmosphere and that my roommate is a promising young novelist. Oh, Stacey, you fool you. If he ever finds out how you live and what a mental midget Irma really is, you've just got to end up stone cold dead in the market. Gee, gee, I'd love to marry him. Irma, Irma, wouldn't it be wonderful if I wound up being Mrs. Richard Rhinelander the Third? The Third? How good is that if he has two other wives? I won't even stop to answer that one. Gee, I couldn't marry a wealthy man and go out to the opera. I don't know a thing about Shakespeare. Honey, with five million dollars, all you got to know about Shakespeare is that he's dead and you're alive. Oh, well, let's forget Mr. Rhinelander. I'll never marry him, because, well, there's a difference in family. His ancestors were Mayflower people. Gee, they made all that money out of donuts? If you say another word, I'll scream. Well, if you do, you'll wake up Professor Karpotkin, the violinist downstairs, and he needs sleep. Irma, I'm going in and take a bath. Jane, honey, don't use all the hot water. This is the day we wash the dishes. What do you want to talk to? Jane, who is this? Oh, Mr. Richard Rhinelander. Well, Jane's busy. Do you want to hang on for about 20 minutes? Hey, yes, this is Irma, her roommate. How's my book? Well, I finished it and I'm starting another. Hard on me? No, you know those giant comics are mostly pictures? I'd like to meet you too, Mr. Rhinelander. Say, I've got an idea. Why don't you dash over for dinner tonight, huh? Oh, it's no bother. Oh, we'd love to have you. And by the way, if it's not inconvenient, bring some donuts. Remember, see you at 7.30. Don't bother to dress. It's strictly our grot- I'm glad you came over. Didn't think I could make it. Took time off from three deals that were just simmering, dying to burst into flame. Stuff like stucco bathtubs. Scratch while you bathe. Commingious projects. Well, Al, what happened? Nothing. There was a lot of action. A lot of action. Oh, Al, you're always talking business. Come over here a minute, honey, and look at my eyes. What do you see? Murine. Now, there's another great money maker. Wish I had thought of that. Al, you're just so full of business. Gotta be. Gotta have a lot of action. Well, here we are, start acting. Gonna leave, kid. Got a big deal brewing. Gee, Al, if we had money, you and I could settle down on a little ranch. I can see it now, the egg and Irma. Hi, Jamie, what's the good word? Jane, Al's got a big deal on. And what a deal. I just happened to line up no less than $100,000 with the surplus army goods. Gee, Al, what kind of surplus are you going to sell? Ripcords. Ripcords. Oh, this is a big deal. I got a pajama manufacturer lined up to take the whole lot up. I even got an advertising gimmick with these ripcords. Listen to this. You get up in the morning and bail out of your pajama. You live this long without it? That ain't all. This is a big, big promotion. You take a two-page ad in life, showing a picture of a beautiful girl ready to retire. And underneath the caption... Hit the sill. Hey, you. Yeah, how'd you know? Hit figures. I think it's wonderful. Well, gotta go. A lot of things poppin'. You know, Jane, Al, it works so hard, but I just know that someday I'll have a lot of money. Even if he has to print it himself. Don't you worry. Don't listen to her, kid. Stick with me. Someday when one of these actions pans out and I'm on top, someday when the chips are in... Good night, Stella Dallas. Irma, can I see you in private for a few seconds? Sure. You know, chicken, I'm in action. Al, I can't lend you any more money. Irma, what are you doing with your money? Spend it on yourself? Foolish enough to do that. It's just that I'm throwing a dinner party tonight. Dinner party? Yes, I've invited Jane's boss over. You know, the millionaire Richard Rylander III? And she's crazy about him, and I thought an intimate gathering would bring them together. You know, Irma, a guy like me, with my ideas, met a guy like him with his dough. That'd be a lot of action. Well, then, by all means, come over tonight, Al, and bring your ideas. Baby, I'll be here. I wouldn't miss it tonight for a warehouse full of furs guarded by a deaf watchman. Irma, has that crumb... Oh. Just leave him now. So long, ladies. See you later. Honey, be careful going home. There's a crime wave on. Yes, Al. Keep your hat turned down. You don't want to get picked up. You fracture me. So long, chicken. See you later. Jane, isn't he cute? You know, honey, you ought to get wise and forget about Al. Well, I... Jane, I've got a surprise for you. You know who's coming over for dinner tonight? Richard Rylander III. Wonderful. And I'm Margaret O'Brien by a former marriage daddy canter. It's Professor Kropotkin. Come in, Professor. Hi, Professor. Kropotkin only talks through his violin. Yeah. Take your hat off, Professor. Are you going someplace? Yeah. Well, I'm sorry. We can't go with you. Would you change your mind? Go to the fights tomorrow night? So did you get your new car yet? I'm still taking the trolley, huh? Gee, Professor, I think you played the violin wonderfully. Have you ever thought of going on the radio better than the Great Gilder Sleeve? Very, Professor. Do you have to rush away? Christmas shopping, huh? Well, so long, Professor. Isn't he a wonderful man? Yeah, he certainly is. I still can't get used to shaking hands with his bow. How'd you like to see a movie tonight? Oh, I can't make it, Jane. I told you we're having a guest for dinner. Oh, Richard Rylander III. Oh, that's fine. Richard Rylander III. Irma, I'm going to ask you a question and I want you to answer yes or no. Did you invite my boss to come to our apartment for dinner tonight? Yes. Oh, Irma, how could you? It was very simple. He called up and asked to talk to you and you were busy, so I invited him. Oh, no. No, this is all a dream. And after dinner, Al's going to drop over and maybe we can persuade Professor Kropotkin to come up. No, this is a nightmare. Give me that phone. Maybe it's not too late to stop it. Hello? Hello, is Mr. Rylander there? He's not? Could you please tell me where he went? Oh, he left to go to a dinner party and to miss Jane Stacey's. Thank you. Jane! Just writing a suicide note. Bird is coming to dinner and now I am really trapped because I told him that I lived in an artistic neighborhood and that my roommate was a budding novelist. How could I justify having him sit around with that scintillating trio of conversationalists, Irma, Al, and Kropotkin? Rylander is expecting an evening based on table talk. I'll, uh, information, please. What he's going to get is people are funny or it pays to be ignorant. Finally, 730 rolled around. The bottle of martinis is catching a chill in the icebox and I'm running fever in the living room. Well, Rylander would be arriving at any minute and Irma wasn't ready. Um, Irma, it's 730. Oh, thanks for reminding me. I got to tune in on the easy aces. Irma, aren't you giving a dinner party tonight? Yes, I'm just getting into my dress. How do you like it? Don't you think you ought to get a little further into it? I like this dress. Al would. But Rylander wouldn't. Ah, come on. Come on. You've got just time to waltz this broom around a couple of times. Okay. Irma, no. Don't sweep the dirt under the rug. No, the man downstairs has been complaining. Complaining? Yeah, yeah, you know that hole in the floor. Jane, I have a wonderful idea. Why don't we take the rug off and then with a hole in the ceiling we'll have cross ventilation? Irma, listen, I'm so nervous. Don't worry, I'll handle everything. Haven't you any confidence in me? Oh, well, certainly I have, honey, but I think I'll take my bicarbonate before dinner. Now look, Irma, let's not be nervous, huh? No, let's just take it easy, you see. First we serve the martinis and then... I don't have to drink a martini, do I, Jane? What's that got to do with it? I'd rather have milk. Well, how can you drink milk when we're drinking martinis? Well, I know I'll drink milk, but I'll put an olive in it. No, no, he's here. He's here. Now, listen to me, Irma. I'm not worried. Not a bit. I've got confidence in you. I know you'll do everything right because if you don't, I think I'll kill myself and then you. You ready? You ready, okay? Irma, put the broom away. Come in. Jane Stacey, live here? Oh, good evening, Jane. I didn't recognize you for a moment. That's because you did date the curlers out of her hair. Silly of me. Come in. Come in, Mr. Rhinelander. May I present my roommate, Irma? How do you do? Hello, Irma. Would you mind taking Mr. Rhinelander's hat? I can't. Why not? His head is still in it. I'm sorry. Here it is. Irma, now that you have Mr. Rhinelander's hat, would you mind taking the broom away from him? Oh. Irma, now that you have the broom, would you mind taking Mr. Rhinelander's hat away from him? Won't you sit down, Mr. Rhinelander? No, thank you, Jane, but you don't have to stand on formality. My friends always call me Richard. Oh, thank you. Cigarette, Richard? Thank you. Match, Richard? Thank you. Ashtray, Richard? Thank you. Cigarette, Irma? Thank you. Match? Thank you. Ashtray, Irma? No, thank you. I don't smoke. You writers are all alike, witty and eccentric. Yes. Yes, I knew you'd like Irma's wit. It's so, uh, so natural. Yes, I noticed. Mind what a charming apartment you have here. And when will the remodeling be finished? Remodeling? It's small, but our neighbors are so interesting. Artists, writers, musicians. For instance, there's a very famous violinist who lives downstairs. He's, uh, Professor Kropotkin. Kropotkin? Kropotkin, uh... Yeah, he plays in the Paradise Perlesque. Have you ever been there? I don't think so. Oh, it doesn't matter. You wouldn't have seen him anyway because he plays the violin under the runway. Yes. Yes, a lot of our neighbors are eccentric, but they're all artistic. I know what you mean. A charming environment. Yes. You know, it's hot in here. I think I'll open the window. To be the oldest woman in the United States and Canada, I'll never forget that dinner. It started off with Irma taking from the right and serving from the left. She also did a little dropping in the middle. Mr. Rhinelander, Mr. Rhinelander looked very fetching wearing a hamburger over his right eye. Then we got to the dessert, and it seems Irma had put the dessert in the wrong tray in the icebox. The first time I'd ever tasted cauliflower sherbet. So much for the food. The conversation was a monster in its own right. Richard said... Unfortunately, I've been able to travel considerably. Irma, do you like to travel? And Irma said... Oh yes, it's really the only way to get any place. Well, it was over, and we decided to have our coffee in the living room. Well, Jane, that was an excellent dinner. Wonderful food. Well, that's nothing unusual. We always have food for dinner. Irma, you have a priceless wit. I can only agree with you half of the way. You know, Mr. Rhinelander, it's the envy Jane working for you. Oh yes, the investment business can be exciting, but I wish I had more time for sports. You do love sports, don't you, Richard? Mm-hmm. Fortunately, I've been able to find some time for squash and badminton at the Athletic Club. Personally, I love golf. It's such an exciting game, and yet it's so simple. Yes, but tennis has a dash of that same excitement. I swim, ride a horseback, play tennis, bowl, and shoot pool. Oh! Irma, do you really do all those things? No, but I have to keep up my end of the conversation. More, uh, more coffee, Richard? No, thank you. Oh, I think you're wise. Coffee does keep one awake. Yes, coffee does have that effect on me. How about you, Irma? They got an awful lot of coffee in Brazil. Irma, we know you're in the conversation, dear. Just take it easy. Well, okay, then, I think I'll open the window. No, Irma, don't. The window, no. It's a nice night. Hi, isn't it? Isn't it, Richard? To meet Richard Rynlander III, James Boss. How do you do, Professor? Beg your pardon? Oh, you see, Richard, Professor Kropotkin believes that music is the soul of expression, so much more eloquent than speech. Amazing, amazing. Oh, he's a wonderful man. However, his wife didn't understand him, and recently they were divorced and now he's free again. Isn't that right, Professor? And a very unusual talent. Just think expressing himself through the violin. Well, let's get down to business. When are you two going to get married? Oh, Irma, how could you, Richard? I really don't know what to say. Oh, Irma, I'm very fond of Jane, but of course there's my father. Your father? Let him get his own girl. The next sound you hear is Jane Stacy blowing her brains out. Al, I'd like you to meet Richard Rynlander III. Richard, this is my boyfriend Al. How do you do? Hi, Rich. Heard a lot about you. Al, you know Professor Kropotkin. Why, sure. Hi, Professor. Why must that guy always give me an eight-bar hello? My mother was scared by Rubenot. Richard, wouldn't you care to go to a movie or something? Oh, no sense in breaking up the party. Let's sit around and chew the fat. Rich, what's new on the street? The street? Yeah, you know, on the exchange. A lot of action these days. Well, cotton was a little slow this past week. Uh-huh, knew it. What about steel? It's a little old. I knew it. Richard, you can see for yourself the handwriting's on the wall. Really? Yeah, but it's not too late. You've got to get out of Wall Street. I do? Absolutely. Well, sure, you could plug along, make it a million here, a million there, but have you got security? Well, Al, you see... Yeah, but don't let it bother you because there's a place for you in my organization. Richard, let's go to a movie. No, Jane, let him talk. The whole thing may develop into a merger. Merger? You're right, Irma. Rich, I'm going to make a big man out of you. How would you like to team up with me? Well, I, uh... Well, it's hard to make a decision like this at the moment. Notice. Now, listen to me, Rich. Here's the plan. We've a chance to corner the market on surplus rip cards. I can see it now. Al Industries Ltd. Featuring Richard Rhineland of the Third. We've locked the open market. By short, sell off. Richard, they're getting along beautifully. Beautifully. Richard reaches for his wallet. He'll shake hands with Al. Now, Jane! Oh, now, listen to me, Irma. You've ruined me. I should never have moved in with you. But, Jane... No, but Jane, me. But I thought that... I don't care what you thought. You've ruined everything. Imagine his coming from his mansion on Park Avenue to this dump and meeting all these crazy people. And now, to top it off, your boyfriend, Al, wants to make a partner out of him in a mythical business. But, Jane, Al's only trying to fix it so that he has security. Irma. Irma, listen to me. I've got news for you. Richard Rhineland of the Third has $5 million. He hasn't even counted yet. Well, now that I'm ruined, I'm going back in there. Apologize. Quit my job and spend the night at the YWCA. But, Jane... Another thing. The next time we meet on the street, I only want you to say one thing. Goodbye. Well, General Motors, go for it. Why, Richard, their tongues are hanging out for riff guards. Well, Al, I... I mean, Mr. Rhineland, I just can't tell you how sorry I am. Sorry about what? Oh, well, bringing you down here and having you meet people like Al and Professor Kropotkin. Oh, listen. You shut up, you rimsy Corsacoff. Jane, you've nothing to be sorry about. I'm delighted. As a matter of fact, I was about to tell you how grateful I am for this wonderful evening and this opportunity to meet Al. Oh, thank you for that vote of confidence. We're going to have plenty of action together. Gee, I'm so happy for you, Mr. Rhineland. Now you can have security. Richard, I don't know what to say. Oh, don't say anything. Well, I've got to run along now. I want to talk this whole deal over with Father. Goodbye, Irma. Goodbye, Jane, and thanks again for a wonderful evening. Now, old man, I'll see you in the morning. We're going to have plenty of action. Plenty of action. I've got to see where I can get hold of some ripcars. You were to worry. You've got to remember that all's well that ends well in the silver cloud. Oh, sister. I'm going to bed, Irma. Irma. Yes? Where are my pajamas? Gee, I forgot to tell you. I forgot to tell me what. I gave them to Al for exploitation purposes. Oh, my friend, Irma. Will Richard Rhinelander's father okay the deal? Will Jane Mary Richard? Will Irma louse up the works? We'll know next week at the same time. When Columbia once again invites you to listen to my friend Irma. This is CBS, the Columbia Broadcasting System.