 So today we're going to talk about some nice girl habits I think all women should break and I just want to be candid with everyone to say that I actually Saw this title on one of my contemporaries map bogs. I also believe several other my contemporaries have used this title So I thought I'd jump in and have this conversation as well So when I think of the term being nice, I don't know if you heard this But I heard this years ago that being nice is not telling people what you really think I repeat that not telling people what you really think or how you really feel about them and I'm sure you can relate to this I'm sure you have been polite to someone who wasn't kind to you I'm sure there's been moments where someone was probably even a little disrespectful you and out of Common courtesy you were nice to the person or you were graceful Even held space that maybe they're just having a bad day or whatnot. Okay, I'm not really talking about that kind of nice Okay, where we bite our tongue. I'm talking about when we give our power away to someone else When we give our power away to someone else, that's one of the things I see habitually within women and I want to lean into this conversation Now, I don't know if you're like me. I'm a recovering people pleaser. So I have a propensity to want to be nice. I Think the reason why this happened in my life. I I vividly remember when I was in grade school I'm quite frankly. I was picked on by a lot of the kids I always felt very awkward because I was from immigrant parents parents were there from another country Actually, my parents were from Istanbul Turkey and I remember I was last to be picked in game So I went out of my way to try to get people to like me Let me get that I went out of my way to get people to like me and because of that I adopted people pleaser habits or being habits or habits of Being nice to other people Because I wanted people to like me. I wanted the kids to like me and that certainly has been a Residue in my life as I've been an adult. I really have issues with someone not liking me And again, we can get into the roots of why this happens from an emotional perspective That's mostly centered around something that happened in our childhood This bleeds into our adult life particularly when it comes to relationships Now, I think women are also unique and I mentioned earlier about giving your power away. I Think on some Instinctual level women give their power away because from caveman cave people days to you know up until a few hundred years ago Women were predominantly dependent upon men for survival both that physical survival and certainly for those that are even currently Dependent upon men for from a financial perspective of survival So oftentimes women give their power away and this isn't singular to women men give their power away women give their power away It's usually It's something both. I think I said earlier. I think it's somewhat instinctual why this happens I think women have a greater propensity to want commitment more so than men I think women bond to men a little bit stronger than the other way around and again This isn't an absolute, but I do believe that these are some of the reasons why women oftentimes compromise themselves in Relationship and I want to lean into a conversation later about how to break this cycle Certainly break this cycle of being too nice Now I Wanted before I get into these six nice girl habits. I just want to merely say we all all as human beings I think deep down want to feel loved We want to feel loved. I think it's just very complicated Particularly for those of us in midlife because many of our childhood wounds and traumas and adult traumas begin to bubble up To the surface I mentioned to you before I'm a recovering people pleaser This isn't something I've healed completely. This is something I've been working on for decades and I'm and what's most important is the awareness of Your negative patterns and your limiting beliefs in your life particularly about particularly about others and more importantly About oneself how we can oftentimes self-sabotage through what's going on between our ears Due to a lack of self-love and it's one of the reasons why I wrote a book called What the heck is self-love anyway a journey of personal development self-help and spiritual work and I'll be candid with you By the way, there's a link below to get a copy of all the books I recommend under in the Jonathan recommend book section why I'm bringing this up is folks I've been at this for over 20 years peeling the onion and maybe many of you are in the same boat you are peeling the onion of Your negative patterns your limiting beliefs the stories you say about yourself Particularly in the area of worthiness, you know when I think of self-love. I think of self-worth self-esteem self-reliance self-confidence Self-respect these are all encompassed in the word love in my opinion and So when we're approaching, you know romantic relationships particularly for those of us who have an anxious attachment style They're not familiar with love attachment style. I highly recommend checking out the book by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller called attached Why I'm bringing this up is if you are like me an anxious love attack love a tatcher we tend to gravitate to what's known as a avoidant love a tatchers and avoidance have a difficult time expressing themselves and yet because of Deep wounds that happen in their childhood. They weren't they weren't Value they weren't allowed to be themselves And this is true for anxious as well. They weren't allowed to be themselves So they withdrew within and oftentimes they have a real difficult time being emotionally Being emotionally expressive So whereas the anxious person is kind of you know, you know feeds on validation Feeds on on getting, you know, the other person's approval And so what happens is we fall into this pattern of being nice because we want someone else to like us and in a romantic Relationship you can be entwined with someone and still be feeling lack within the relationship This is a very common experience for many couples and for the avoidance. They're not oftentimes aware of this They don't they don't have a consciousness around this money. Many anxious people don't have an Awareness around this so what happens is they butt heads in a relationship and then because it isn't easy It isn't working. They break apart and Oftentimes if you're in the anxious role it feels like such, you know a hole has been You know created in our heart and we crave that other person filling that hole and so we do everything to be nice in the relationship To keep this relationship going By the way, when I say we I only I'm aware of this because this is something that's happened in my life You know, so I'm aware of my own, you know, I Don't want to say deficiencies or weaknesses or flaws They're just aspects of my personality But I'm bringing this up because it's incumbent upon me to work on my own feelings in the person that you're in Relationship works on their feelings and Hopefully the two of you rise together in this particular case where you can actually grow and bond with one another And yet so all too often women try much harder to keep the relationship going When it's not really a valid relationship, so we're going to talk about the early stages of being nice not so much Being in a significant relationship and maybe we'll uncover some patterns you're experiencing in your life Maybe you can heal this for yourself so the first one that's listed is saying yes to an instant relationship before the relationship has been established and We're talking about the early stages this is the tricky part when because ladies men have a propensity to get overly excited when the chemical cocktail of Dopamine and testosterone mixed together and we can fall with these chemicals get released in our brain Believing that we really like a person when we're actually experiencing lust or limerence I'm gonna repeat that lust or limerence and limerence is just simply extreme infatuation And lust is I want to have sex with you I would say most men when they're coming on strong their love bombing. They're really trying to push for a relationship early it's because they're in a state of lust or limerence and You might find yourself Temporarily saying yes to a relationship and what I mean temporarily is usually that fizzles out much sooner So my invitation for you just like my mother used to say to my father She goes I used to take what your father said with a grain of salt in the early stages If two people are rushing to bond together, that's usually not a good sign Because the healthy relationships actually tend to grow at a very calm pace a very calm pace It's not a rush pace so if you find yourself saying yes to an instant relationship it might be because you're Experiencing this he's experiencing this and I invite you just to take it a little bit slower in those early stages Okay, number two Yeah, you cancel your plans to accommodate his schedule. You cancel your plans to accommodate his schedule You know, I see this with women a lot particularly in long-distance dynamics I'm finding that so many women will drive to men's locations as one example But more importantly cancel plans with their friends just to accommodate the man Now folks, it's critically important to have balance in your life to have that balance between your work your family your friends your health and In the early stages while in my you know the thing is it's okay to to You know, I don't want to say it's okay I was about to say it's okay to cancel a plan to be with someone if it happens to to be you know There's a time slot available, you know for this person and for other reasons. There's not it's okay to do that But if you find yourself habitually canceling your plans habitually You know by You know not avoiding friends, but cancelling on your friends or cancelling on the things in your life That's not a good sign. That's a sign. You're you're it might seem like a sign. You're chasing him That's not really it because I think you're just doing your best to make effort But I wouldn't do it on a habitual basis. Is that sinking in? Okay, I hope so okay number three you try to get him to like you before you know if you like him You try to get him to like you before you know if you like him, you know Again as a recovering people pleaser, I know I have that propensity I'm gonna date and I think men do this in the dating process because we have to you know We're tend to be the leaders. We're tend to have to show you know show our peacock feathers So we tend to do this But I'm not that's not healthy for men and that's not healthy for women either To try to get the person to like you before you even know you like them Now certainly there are signs in the early stages you might be connecting with someone that's great But I think as I've said repeatedly You know Jay Shetty says it takes about 40 hours of face-to-face time to build a friendship with someone about 40 hours of face-to-face time And then it takes about another I always say it takes about a hundred hours of face-to-face time just to build the first layer of trust and Jay Shetty goes on to say that it takes about 200 hours of face-to-face time to really develop a friendship with someone Now I'm not suggesting you know 200 hours. That's a lot of time together Even a hundred hours is a lot of time together, but think about it. Can you really get to know someone on? One two or three dates not really In fact, you really don't know someone until you live with them and believe me I have seen so many couples spend years in these procrasts that you know Prolongated relationships that people and then the minute they actually live together it implodes I've often said or lately I've said I'm not so certain We shouldn't just immediately live with people just to see who they really are and then make our decisions But coming back to this trying to get someone to like you is a people-pleasing Mechanism because we want to be liked most everybody wants to be liked even when I was talking about avoidance earlier Avoidance deep down want to feel love. They were just were they were rejected as children For being their authentic selves. And so they have a difficult time trusting People it's almost as if they don't trust love. It's not like they're doing this intentionally I'm here to say most human beings men in particular. Most men are good people. They're not intentionally using you It only feels like being used because they're operating in the initial stages from this lust or limerence And then when they actually calm their nervous system, they recognize that they they're not many of them Are not capable of anything overtly serious And so they end relationships and you might feel like you've gotten used and for the people-pleaser for the nice person It feels doubly Painful because you've oftentimes given more in the relationship than he has Okay Number four saying yes to sex before you're ready saying yes to sex before you're ready I have an acronym. I want someone to write this in the chat box I want you to write the words C period a period R period e Period s period cares. Okay. This is my acronym to have to help you kind of navigate When to have sex with someone the C stands for comfortable The C stands for comfortable do not have sex until you feel comfortable never put yourself or do your best not to put Yourself in environments where it could lead to sex but more importantly an alcohol can be a real You know a motivate not a motivator, but it's a you know a cocktail can turn into dropping boundaries So do your piss to not put yourself in those circumstances, but more importantly Do not have sex with someone until you feel comfortable with them as a person. That's the C The a stands for awareness awareness be aware of the consequences Meaning if you have a habit of bonding to someone the first time you have sex with them Then it's going to require a longer period of time for you to build trust with this person I repeat that a longer period of time to build trust Okay, if you have a propensity not every woman bonds to a man the first second or third time they have sex with them In fact, I know a lot of women that are actually okay Even when they have sex with someone that they're not strung out. They're not jonesing. They're not on the crack cocaine of Abandoning themselves giving their power away to a man But if you are if that's something that happens with you then be aware of it the R stands for real Intentions real intentions and what I mean to say is learn his real intentions Is he serious about does he want a significant relationship? Or is he looking to just have something casual? I want to take it slow I want no pressure People that so you have to learn his real intentions men like myself the grower and builders Okay, grower and builders are are men who know they want a significant relationship with someone So they approach relationship different than the users Those are the people that are in it for the short run and the spenders who want Companionship connection and sex on an occasional basis, but they're not ready for commitment So you got to learn his real intentions. It's one of the reasons why I'm so grateful my clients You know achieve great results because they practice something I work with them on called radical honesty Prequalifying your prospect. It's all about learning his real intentions sooner rather than later The E stands for exclusivity Exclusivity if you're gonna have regular sex with someone I believe there should be monogamy involved in other words an agreement between two people and more importantly There should be an agreement that you're not actively on You know seeking to meet other people while you're in this container of having sex with this person I'm a big believer of exclusivity now a lot of people get hung up on this But what's so wrong with talking about monogamy when you're having regular sex with someone and what's so wrong about exclusivity? But Jonathan men get afraid you don't get scared by the word commitment You know, you should make commitments to one another You're engaging in a physical act with someone you have every right to establish some standards and some boundaries with this person I'm here to invite you all to be more empowered in this place instead of passively Because you're trying to please him and The S stands for safe safe be safe now that means maybe having STD test. Maybe that's having condoms but recognize that being safe both on a Getting cooties is what I talk about catching a disease But also being an environment coming back to what I talked about Maybe not, you know alcohol can drop a lot of boundaries So make sure you're in a safe space before you engage in physical intimate with someone and I call that cares Hey, I hope that helps. All right with respects to not jumping into bed with someone too quickly Before you've really established where you stand in your heart when it comes to physical intimacy number five Investing more in the relationship than he does women, you know, the thing is I've said this before I even like what Matthew Hussie talks about. He says invest and test invest and test And I'm a big proponent of two people Mutually making effort in the relationship and if you're trying to get him to like you if you're making more overtures To pull him over the 50 yard line to come to you then it's an imbalanced relationship. So you shouldn't be You know investing more in the relationship than he does it should be a nice Ping-pong game a nice balance a nice Pickleball game between the two of you a nice rally of mutual effort okay in number six Giving it an undeserved second chance to someone see this happened a lot, you know a man's actions has Hasn't matched his words. He's been inconsistent. He's been flaky He's might have even gone off the rails so to speak and you give someone an undeserved second chance now I recognize that's a that's a sign of a Oftentimes a people pleaser or a nice person because you most likely believe that this is the only person That is going to fulfill you you feel like just because he's you know He checks the boxes you feel some chemistry that he's the only person on the planet will feel this and you'll give Him a second chance. I'm not a big proponent now again. There's always exceptions to the rule There's always extenuating circumstances, but being mindful if this is a habit for you again. These are habits Then it's time to break that cycle. So how do we break this cycle? One is to stand in your power. We talked about the book what the heck is self-love anyway One of the other things I invite everyone to do is a better job of vetting men because you don't need to be you know In your nice girl habits when you've done a job better job of vetting out the wrong men So you don't find yourself being overly attached to the wrong guy But the same time I invite everyone to begin a meditation practice I invite everyone to start going to therapy or going to personal development workshops to see what your negative patterns And limiting beliefs are in your life in your totality and begin to become aware of Your patterns and if you have a pattern Then it's time to reckon. Let me share you an example After my divorce I had a hundred internet first dates meet and greets a hundred first in the in the first year I was going off one after another after another and I'd meet a nice gal We'd have a good time but something wasn't right and meet someone else have a nice time and something wasn't right And I kept blaming the women as being the the common denominator Until a year afterwards. I go wait a minute. I'm the common denominator in all my experiences It's not them sure I met a variety of different women some were entitled some were for a doormat some were Wounded some didn't match my lifestyle, but I was the common denominator and all my unpleasant experiences in my life to some degree Particularly because I was I'm a recovering people pleaser Sadly I sometimes need a lot of validation because I'm not good at at regulating my own emotions And I'm suspect maybe you've experienced this as well So first and foremost if you're walking down a street and you see a deep hole in the sidewalk and you see it there Meaning your people pleasing or your nice girl habits first be aware of it and Then you can begin working on it and I understand that mindfulness is a daily practice Mindfulness is a daily practice And I say this because even in my life I sometimes get out of my practice and what happens when I get out of my practice I go I go off the rails It's a daily practice and invite everyone and if you need help with this. I highly recommend another book. I Love this book. It's called the untethered soul by Michael singer. I highly recommend getting this book It helps you talk to the voices in your head. Oh my god This is and then his companion book the surrender experiment highly recommend getting this book It will really help you break even though it has nothing to do with relationship. It'll help you break those nice girl habits Okay, hope you found value in this if you did I'd like to hear your thoughts post a comment below if you did Please hit that like button. Please share this video. Please subscribe to my channel And hit that notification bell And if you want to connect with me check out the description below to see all the different ways You can connect with me All right, those that know my live format This is time for Q&A if you have a question write the word question in the chat box if you're on live right now Or you can purchase a super sticker super chat all the monies from the super sticker super chat goes to a scholarship fund in The name of my son Connor Asley. That's a picture of him right there He's my son who sadly passed away five years ago and his honor I've started a scholarship fund to donate to causes like the Hoffman process insight Institute And we just made a donation to seeds of love Seeds of love is an organization that helps children in the country of Columbia who have been abandoned by their parents Because they have a terminal disease So if you'd like to donate today to those causes hit that little super sticker super chat then write your question there And I'll certainly give you some props in the video as well. And if you're watching the replay hit the super Thanks. All right, let's see what we got in the way of questions Someone says Kim says the Charlie sheen's of our world are exclusive with whomever is next that is possibly true alright Game Gordon says people pleasing as a result of result of parental grooming what we did to gain love You know, she does bring up a good point. I shared about my childhood on the playground and how I felt so So That's the word I'm looking for not unloved but just you know on some level undesired to be like, you know To be play in the games. I was always the last person I was trying to make friends with everyone at the same time at that same experience with my mother trying to get my mother's love Is a little four five six seven eight nine ten year old boy? Because my mother had a habit of doing what's called stonewalling She had a habit of going in her own shell because she didn't know how to regulate her emotions And in those moments when I was a little boy craving, you know Some connection with mommy if you will not from a needy place just from a healthy place. I Began crack becoming a people-pleaser unbeknownst to myself. So Kim. Thanks for bringing that to our awareness as well No, bull Nutrition nobleness nutrition says reading recommended books on healing anxious attachment I do well for about a week, but still get activated after a week of not hearing his voice or visit from him struggle is real Yes, and what's most important? Why you've most likely attracted that kind of person in your life Is because learning to regulate one's emotions Requires mindfulness and it's an inner journey. So what does God universe spirit? I call them Gus God universe spirit Gus what do they do? They put people in your lives that will trigger you so you can actually learn to regulate your own emotions. I Believe I fully believe in a divine intervention to not the intervention divine You know There are no accidents. There are no coincidences We invite people into our lives particularly from a romantic perspective to help us heal Where our heart needs to be healed? That's my invitation. That's my perspective anyway Hey, one of our members from the Facebook group folks If you'd like to have direct access to me on a regular basis You might want to check out my group called midlife love mastery. This is a group where you can connect with me we have a Facebook page and I shoot videos and I speak to the members in the group regularly So if you go to my website Jonathan has laid calm you can check out my group there if you're interested Especially if you have a Facebook page. So here's one of our members are up. I Agreed to meet someone for coffee even though I don't find him attractive if our path personalities don't match as a people Pleaser, how can I let them down easily? You know if Marie was here and there's a picture of her I Think she has a diplomatic nature and she's very direct with people just say, you know Tim I think you're a really nice person I don't feel like we're a match and I just want to be upfront with you about that and I want to wish you all the best. That's simply what you can say I don't feel like we're a match now if he starts asking why Just say I prefer to keep that private to myself and just wanted to be forthright with you You seem like a really good person. This is not a reflection of you This is a reflection of my inner voice speaking that we're not a match That's how I that's how Marie would most likely poise it or Position it and I invite you to use her language because she was very effective of that She'd meet someone on a meet and greet She wasn't feeling it for whatever reason and she would simply say I don't feel like we're a match all right Kim Gordon goes on to say Meditation on why we are valuable helps. Yes Meditation allows us to talk to the voices in our head to calm our nervous system One of the things most humans have a difficult time doing is regulating our nervous system. And so mindfulness Breathwork, I should have mentioned breathwork meditation is about learning to breathe our breath is a powerful instrument to calm our nerves In addition If you're not familiar with the Hawaiian Forgiveness prayer can someone write that in the chat box or Ryan for giving this prayer also known as the hapono pono pono pono I believe I said that right. I might have butchered that the hapono pono pono pono Now the way I learned it was like this and it can go There's basically four sentences. I usually start with the first sentence. I love you The second sentence, I'm sorry The third sentence, please forgive me and the fourth sentence. I love you. I'm sorry. Please forgive me. Thank you Thank you. I love you. I'm sorry. Please forgive me. Thank you now forgiveness Forgiving love for giving love. It's like giving yourself a shot. You're you're actually doing it for yourself It's not about forgiving someone else. It's really for giving that little child inside of you that gets so scared That reacts to people that judges people that makes assumptions that So forgiveness is an opportunity to learn by the way by habitually saying this and I say it to myself on a regular basis It allows you to calm your nervous system to calm your nervous system. So I invite you all I love you I'm sorry. Please forgive me. Thank you. I think some versions of it go I'm sorry. Please forgive me. I love you Thank you and some versions go the other way around. That's the way I learned it So I invite you to practice the Hawaiian forgiveness prayer. The also known as the hapono ponopono ponopono Richa says do men care about stretch marks and cellulite? I'm insecure about it and fear physical intimacy Men care about your vagina Especially as we age that's all we care about We also do care about blowjobs, too We care about oral sex and we care not most men as we age don't I mean illicit my sweetheart's got some wrinkles She's got a little bit of what you just described. Believe me. I've got wrinkles. I've got some of it as well I think when we're when we're really connected with someone on a heart-centered level all those little things don't matter as much But believe me merit men care more about the vagina and they care about blowjobs So let that one go. I love the right man Appreciates my body the right man appreciates my body the right woman appreciates my body Janet goes on to say I agree mindfulness is a daily practice the days. I don't do it my emotions stray off a healing path exactly Today I'm off to do a plant-based medicine spiritual journey to work on some stuff folks You know, I'm not here to profess. I'm I Know many of you think I'm the unicorn out there. Believe me. I'm riddled with Negative patterns limiting beliefs in my life, you know a lack of worthiness at times And so I do practices to help me shore up My mindfulness because or to regulate my emotions because the more in tune We are to our divine self the more attuned we are to our emotional self The happier life tends to be It just seems to be happier. At least that's my invitation for everyone. I hope it's the same for everyone else All right, Wanda's in the house and she says I'm still a nice person no matter what well that always attract users But I do have a red flag vibe right off hoping that helps So if you attract users Let's look at this from a spiritual perspective Why do you think that is why do you it? Why would you attract someone who isn't right for you? It's most likely I believe we are all on a journey of healing. I really do believe I think we come to this I think You know, I'm not so sure certain hell isn't you know living on the planet earth, okay? But I think we and I'm saying this tongue-in-cheek, but I really do believe we come here to heal To heal that wound of lack of self-love. I think everything that Takes us off our happy trail if you will is an opportunity to love yourself And so we invite people in our lives that will trigger us some people We invite in for just a few weeks a few months maybe a few years Maybe a lifetime to help us learn to love ourselves a lot of people never get there they operate from a Dependency place they operate from a deficiency place and they come back and do this again again through multiple lifetimes I'm not so certain. We don't relive the same You know, I'm a believer that time might be Standstill to some degree and we come back at the same age do this over again Just in a different body to heal those places. Who knows it's fast, you know I'm I have no idea what happens to us when we pass away but I like the thought that time is not a constant and and our spirit is Universal and so we come back to practice different things So when we can come at it from a place of almost like it's a game from a fun perspective We don't have to get meshed up in the weeds and could I be wrong? Could when we pass away? There's simply a dial tone Yeah, a lot of atheists a lot of agnostics believe that You know religious people have a different perspective on it spiritual people have a different perspective on it as well I read the book. I did a study group for three years about the course and miracles There's a copy of it by the way, look how effin thick this sucker is I spent three years with the study group exploring this and I can tell you I Found it fascinating particularly in the concept of of death In fact, I was reading it at the time Connor passed away And I have a whole different perspective on this you might also want to check out the work of Ram Dass Ram Dass You know when we can conquer our fears particularly around death We actually tend to live a happier life. So anyways check out that those works. So thank you Wanda. I appreciate that James in the house a Man I dated a couple times is doing the slow fade on me, but he's still texting daily with hearts What do I say to him do either stop the text or get him to step up and ask me out? So Jane call him up What are you doing tonight? I'd like to take you out for a drink I'd like to take you out for drinks see how he responds and then when you're at a drink with him Just simply say look what do you what are we doing? What are we doing? You send me heart text messages. What does that mean? Okay, come on. You're a man. Come on. You don't seem like a wimp. You don't seem like a you know a flake You don't seem like a You know a loser. So what's going on with you? You can ask him out See by the way how he responds will give you an indication and if he's acting very coy or gives excuses Then you can simply say look, I just want to disengage from this Dynamic it's just not you know what it's not appealing to me. That's not very exciting You know, thank you for the hearts. I really appreciate it You know when you figure out what you want find another woman and focus on her Jane. I hope that helps Cam writes, how do you manage remunerate remuneration? Ruminate rumination excuse me When off the rails Jonathan, I will tell you Kim I habitually say the Hapono Pono Pono Pono the Hawaiian forgiveness prayer over and over and over when I'm ruminating I also have another practice. I say in my head blah, blah, blah, blah, blah Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah. Is that in a Seinfeld episode? What I'm doing is trying to regulate my emotions and then I immediately begin to listen to an Abraham Hicks Podcast CD YouTube video ever write this down Abraham Hicks Understanding that our thoughts create our feeling so what I do in those moments is do my best to choose new Thoughts and when I catch myself going down the rabbit hole, I do it again and when I catch myself going down that rumination I do it again, you know And it's a practice to get out of that cycle those loops and it takes mindfulness to get there Kim, thank you. Our Facebook member says love that Gus. God universe spirit. Thank you so much Hey, and Annie writes hello, I'm new here. I broke up with my boyfriend yesterday We dated for four and a half years. We had an argument and and he said before you speak with that speak with Wait before you speak think with your f head. I responded. I'll report you I'll report you Dubai. He blocked me. I Don't understand why you would report him But thank you for sharing your experience. We're sending a lot of hugs and love in this time of Probably a bit of uncertainty. So Tammy writes I'm I am a 16 month in win window after 40 years of fairly good marriage Please give an example clarification. I talked to the guy straight to sex question I think you love bomb me and then your question is please give me an example of love bombing I'm new to I am a new win window 16 months in and just beginning to date. I talked to a man on Facebook and I think he loved bombing Please clarify me love bombing is basically the way I interpret it isn't a aggressive I say aggressive. It's it's rather it's over the top Infatuation over the top Claiming how you are so special how you're supposed so different how you're unique And it's mostly conversation about How great you are? Okay? How wonderful you are How, you know, I won the lottery, you know all Basically giving a lot of love attention to you without really understanding who you are as a person finding about finding out about your past relationships Doing an autopsy of your life that you will they're more focused on giving you a lot of Attention enthusiasm centered around making you feel good Without really building the deep roots of trust needed to sustain a healthy happy relationship So that's usually what a love bomber is an over exaggerated Infatuation towards you and not really trying to get to know you okay Hey, one of our Facebook members has just jumped in when starting the divorce process eight years ago prior to a lot of Self-work. I once had a therapist tell me you have an accent Accentric tolerance for bad behavior. This is why so this is this was so directly related to my childhood with my mom I complete I complete people pleasing dynamic. I can relate. Yeah, sweetheart. I get it I am a recovering people pleaser a lot of people are Maria says men care about the vagina. Yeah, I said that I was just on the rails there for a second Janet wants to bring up love bombing saying I live I love you far too early buying expensive gift a week a Week at the Savoy tea at the Ritz brought bought me a sports car. I was love bomb then the abuse began Love bombing is part of a narcissistic cycle of manipulation and fakery. That is possibly true I know I have loved bombed. I don't believe I'm a narcissist. I might have some of the Characteristics of it. I do recognize I can be self-centric at times I do believe I have a capacity to apologize and believe me. I've stuck my foot in my mouth so many times So I know I don't have that trait within me because I've apologized Most people don't know how to do a sincere apology when they've been For lack of a better word wrong, but yes, narcissists tend to be love bombers as well Carla says is that Marianne Williamson? So the court one of Marianne Williamson does has done a deep dive for years in the course and miracles So it's not that she wrote the book, but she is one of the preeminent preeminent Scholars in that study. So yes One of our Facebook members comes in I've given some I've given someone that I'm very attracted to a lot of second chances I really love him But he has a lot of wounds and traumas and has an avoidant attachment any tips for really letting go I'm doing inner work. I try to meet new men. I have looked on dating sites There doesn't seem to be any men of depth and high quality who are also doing the work Well, I was on the dating site and I did the work and I have a lot of friends So, you know, you know, here's the thing First I want to address the dating sites dating sites Dating apps are merely a tool to meet people outside of your regular circle of influence Just remember folks Most of us in midlife are not surrounded by a group of single eligible people in our daily lives It's difficult to connect with someone at work So dating apps have filled the gap. In fact, to some degree, it's created opportunities that wouldn't have otherwise existed I don't think I would have met my sweetheart. It wasn't for a dating site. Okay Now, where do you meet people that are into personal development self-help and spiritual work? You have to go to workshops yoga centers You know, there are plenty of places that are doing mindfulness meditation classes Well, there's a lot of women there. There are men there as well start to go to places where those men hang out And you'll start to meet more men that way I'll and and certainly do a better job of screening through the dating apps as well That's something I teach in my private coaching Michelle wants to remind me yada yada yada. I always I think oh that was the Seinfeld one yada yada yada I always go blah blah blah blah blah exactly Jessica blah blah blah blah I will definitely use that it helps work. It helps for me. I invite it for you as well Heather if you have a question, please post it. I didn't see it. Okay Noble nutrition nobleness of nutrition. Sorry went Sorry went sent while fixing message avoidant wants me to wait till this two-year vision comes to play He's 51. I'm 46 Someone wants you to wait that means that timing isn't right for them So in that particular case go off and do your journey He can do his journey and if it you cross paths in the future then see how it relates then but take separate journeys Disconnect while he's doing whatever he needs to do focus on what you need to do Don't please don't get into incessant communication. That is a recipe for disaster when someone isn't ready Okay, Heather's question What do you think about gym guys like I got I go to the gym, but I fear they are vain guys You know taking care of someone's health taking someone's body. I don't think is vanity per se I think it's an important thing to create longevity in one's life. So I'm not I'm not going to suggest It's a you know, there aren't good people there Yoga is a good place to connect with people, you know, I went to the yoga studio at the gym You know But I don't want to characterize. Yes, some people they they put more of their energy into their body than they do their mindfulness That's possibility There might be vain people by the way, they're look by the way. Have you ever looked on Instagram? How many vain women there are, you know, you know, we are in a society of vanity Simply through our devices. So rather than making a judgment out it just simply say it's raining great men. It's raining great men It's raining great men everywhere. Oh Let's keep going Sue says going to the gym is not vain arrogant thing as women go in droves to get better body image for health exactly exactly All right, let's see what else we have here you have a question. Oh by the way is folks I would like listen if I provided value to this point Please purchase a super sticker super chat I'd really like to donate some money to the Connor Asley scholarship fund Hit that little dollar sign in the chat box if you're watching the replay hit that super sticker a super thanks I'd really like to give some money away today. So I'd really appreciate your support All right, one of our Facebook members says follow up Tips for letting go of someone you have a lot of history with a lot of great Positivity positives deep connection, but his wounds are too deep right now He can't fully meet me in a relationship. We have been together on and off and I've I've held hope You know, I once I want you to Google or go to YouTube and look up cord cutting ceremony Cord cutting ceremony you might have an energetic cord with this person and invite you to do a cord cutting ceremony number one I Invite you to do a mini detox from the person block this person from your Cell phone block or remove them from your social media. So you have just a detox from them have some distance, you know Take a three to six month break, you know, you can say to one another, you know, I really appreciate your life I'm just going to take a break from social media and connecting with you for a little bit so I can come back to my center And this is a time to focus on your own healing in this place. Believe me, you might feel for years It took me years to get over my Significant relationship after my divorce because I was I gave my power away to this person and one of the things I recognize now was the importance of really Diving into my own sovereignty in the five years after that relationship ended Here's the thing when relationship ends It's like an unraveling of the tapestry of your own life and it's important to reestablish yourself So you can then maybe reconnect with someone in the future and Yes, meeting people, you know connecting on dating sites I think those are just distractions and I don't think it's fair to another person if you're Ruminating over another person your life. It's not fair to a new person to engage in connection with them That's my any my point anyway I think you'd hate it if a guy did it to you dislike it Excuse me if a guy did it to you and invite you to be mindful of that as well Carolyn from our Facebook group says your men care about your vagina comment actually helped me more than you know So many of us avoid intimacy or dating because of physical insecurities. I get it Have you ever seen that meme? There's this man Heavyset man looking in the mirror and he's got like this and he sees an adonis inside the mirror He sees Arnold, you know shorts and anger Women look there's this gorgeous woman looking in the mirror and she sees this big Heavyset woman in the mirror and she's you know looks like Barbie, okay? Isn't it fascinating how men can see the best in themselves, you know And women see the worst in themselves when it comes to body image. I think a lot of this was Petuate and or Perpetuated excuse me by Cosmo magazine and and all the All the beauty Enhancements and that sort of thing so you women are almost at this disadvantage because you've been bombarded through Advertising saying you're ugly The right man appreciates me for the way I look the right man sees my heart the right man loves my body You don't need every man to be love you. You just need the right man. So that's my invitation for you Carolyn. Okay? Elena wants to remind everyone I talked about cord cutting ceremony I want everyone as soon as this video is over and by the way hit that like button for this video Please share it with your friends. I want you to type in to the search bar cord cutting ceremony start reading up on it Okay Thanks for reminding us nobleness nutrition avoid and Potter Avoidant partner had sexual abuse in his teen years. He's now 51 Could this contribute to a lack of intimacy now that he states he's a motion. He's emotionally connected with me. Oh my god Yes, I've known I've spoken to several men who have had Who have been sexually abused as boys and that caused them to have some real significant challenges Bonding with women because they have a real fear of intimacy. They were super Traumatized. I know a man has been on working on his stuff for years and it believe me Think about that. What a sad thing to have happened. This happens to women. It happens to boy Let's excuse me. It happens to young girls. It happens to boys to be sexually Abused that's a hard one to recover from some people don't ever recover from them It doesn't make them bad people. It just makes them people that you know in my per from my purview They need a lot of our love You know and maybe with the right dose of communication between the two of you and the right Plan you can maybe find that way to connect with one another But it really does require a lot of healthy communication between two people And I invite using a therapist or a counselor to help as well Yeah, I want to give Heather some props for the four dollar and ninety-nine cents super sticker big hugs to you. Thank you so much She just judder says he might have recovered from the abuse many sex abuse people go on to normal adult lives and marriages take it slow Yes, I'm in full agreement of that Debbie just wants to remind us I agree about health and going to his place I think she's talking about the gym. I think that's I think gyms, you know, I think Mine body Soul mind body soul emotion mind body spirit emotions mind body spirit emotions mind Learning things watching videos reading books enrich our minds Body physically working out movement You know a person with heart disease Can oftentimes live longer than the person who is relatively healthy because the person with heart disease exercises on a regular basis body spirit Connecting with your divine self reading the books. I recommend this a great way to connect with spirit and emotions emotions mindfulness Regulating our emotions, you know, the hardest things most humans have is the ability to regulate their emotions We expect others to be a certain way so they don't trigger us Rather than when we get triggered Regulating our own emotions having compassion for the person that triggered us try to get some understanding of why they triggered us Rather than making them change How about we work from the inside out which actually creates an opportunity for the other person to work from the inside out Triggers can be a good thing. Believe it or not. Is this sinking in is this resonating? Please let me know if it is can everyone say to me a quick amen right now, Jonathan This is resonating with me if it is please share this video with your friends. Please subscribe to my channel Please donate to the Connor Asley Scholarship Fund tell your friends about my work And if you need some support check out the links below to connect with me. I love connecting with people I love it. It's one of my passions in life is making a difference in people's lives And hopefully if you've been watching my channel, I've been making a difference in your life as well All right, let's see Elena says amen Jonathan, this is resonating with me. I'm so happy to hear that. Thank you so much Jeanette says this video is good that it's live. Ah Yeah, I have fun with that Caroline wants to say yes amen I appreciate that I got time for one more question if you have a question Write the word question and post the question thereafter Someone gave me this mug that says I make the girl world go around. What do you do? Is that narcissistic? You know to some degree we are the creators of our reality, so we do individually make our world go around It's how we perceive the world This is why I like the book the course and miracles allows us to to look beyond the surface of the way the world is and recognize that we have a divine connection to Gus God universe spirit and I'm a big proponent of I've encouraging everyone particularly those of us who are people pleasers the nice girl habits of Recognizing that you know Relationships are not the end all be all of things The most important relationship you have with yourself and the relationships we enter into whether they're short-term or long-term or not The invitation with most everyone that enters your life is an opportunity to grow and some people you grow with some people you Don't grow with that's okay, too Especially for those you know folks that are in their 60s or 70s You know the days in front of you are shorter than the days behind you I invite you to to suck the marrow out of life not so dependent upon being with someone else But learning to love oneself in the process of connecting with another human being good bad or ugly And so even if it's an experience you don't wish to have ask yourself What positive things did I learn about myself from this experience? What was good about this experience and what am I most grateful for? All right, I think this will be oh by the way, Jessica. Thanks for the $5 super sicker. We really appreciate it Can you ask someone to improve a physical aspect say bad tea? You know if someone's gotten to this point in their life and they've accepted their flaws, you know My question is and I can recognize this I think in the movie Austin Powers the first one she made reference to his teeth It can be rather expensive to do that kind of work. So You know, here's the thing Speak your truth do it from a kind place And if it's sincere and from the heart, you can't say the wrong thing to the right person I say that in my book so Find out what your truth is try to devise a way to say it in a kind way You know If this is a deal breaker for you then bring it up if this is an absolute deal breaker for you bring it up And then see what happens from there Melanie amen the wrapped candles burning worked for me my stalker stopped and I got back with the next okay great for you Whoo, hey, I want to give props to nobleness nutrition. Thank you for the $20 super sticker. Yay How do I know that a man is really interested me at the gym? I'm concerned that the men only want sex also I think there are there are other ladies in the gym with better bodies than mine So I tend to look the other way First off every man is interested in sex yours truly. I think a sex all day long Okay, so yes, we men are interested in sex. I want to jump Marie's bones all the time Okay, with that said, how do you know he's interested in you? Walk up to him Say hi, my name is Melanie What's yours? What kind of workouts do you do? Can you help me with this? Can you help me over here with this with this device? Do you have any ideas of how to improve just start a conversation with them? If he's interested he'll engage with you if he's not if he's in a relationship with someone else Then you don't have to pine for him anymore And yes, you know other women have great bodies. Okay, we're competing with everyone whether we like it or not So but guess what if there's if there's a real interest in you He's gonna pursue it and yes, he'll pursue sex too. That's who we are. We're guys Get over it Angela The old saying you get to a man through his stomach is still is it still true? You know, I don't know if that's still true. I Certainly, I think men can appreciate a woman can cook I like cooking together that turns me on more But I think if that's your only love language, you're really lacking if that's your only love line It was I highly doubt Angela, but yeah, you know, that's an act of service From the five love languages the act of service making food. That's certainly a but it's you know You know stomach is a part of it But it's not it's not gonna sustain a relationship Trust me if that's all you bring to the table and I know that's not what you said Uh-huh. She says men don't care about food. They care about sex. Yeah, we care about sex We care about food. We care about quiet. We care about a lot of things But what's most important is when you've established a strong bond with another through Social activities hobbies mutual interest spending time with family and friends traveling together teamwork building skills both in your personal and your professional life Intimacy both physical and emotional intimacy that will lead to either moving in together or getting married with someone Those are the ways you bond with a man. Is this sinking in? All right, you know what I think this would be a great place to wrap up I'm off to do a plant-based medicine spiritual journey today I'm looking forward to doing a deep dive into some healing that I need to do right now in my life And I invite you all to explore how you can heal within yourself Particularly these nice girl habits all women need to break and I invite you all to break that people-pleasing habit All right, I'm gonna take one more question because it's from a guy. So Brian writes What if they tell you you're not a priority now, but will but you will be? Well, I want to find out why you're not a priority right now. Remember the word priority listen Some a person could be in the middle of a work project. That's a priority for them Maybe they're helping their children study for the SATs. That's another type form of priority. Maybe They're in a deep dive into healing. That's another priority I'm a big believer that when you're in a relationship with someone They should be equally as important as all the other important things in their life It's not higher or lower There are times where we might have to give more energy towards some thing in our lives Temporarily, but I believe Brian, I hope this helps when you're in relationship with someone their level of importance should be equal To all the other important things in their lives, okay? Particularly if you've agreed to be in a relationship with someone so and if they're not willing to make you important Then you go focus on what you need to do. Let them focus on what needs they need to do And if you happen to be still available then then revisit the relationship. Does that help Ryan? I hope so All right, wait, wait, what is she? Okay, well, I hope that helped answer that question folks. I'm gonna wrap up this videos I always do first off giving myself a big gigantic Jonathan Barrog of self love I'm gonna reach into the camera. Excuse my armpit stains give you a hug of love I'm asking you to turn this on what a pet a teddy bear pillow and give it or them a hug of love There's a teddy bear because love hugs are a great source of love and we can all use more love in our lives And Alayna says thank you for another great conversation Jonathan. I appreciate I want to thank Alayna and TFB and she juxtaped her and Brian and tests and Melanie and noble nutrition Lightworker Laura Angela Isabelle Facebook members Carolyn Erica Noreen Jeanette Debbie Carolyn, I said that everyone. Thanks so much. Have a fab day. Be well. Thanks. Bye now