 CHAPTER XIV It was Nutty Boyd's habit to retire immediately after dinner to his bedroom. What he did there Elizabeth did not know. Sometimes she pictured him reading, sometimes thinking. Neither supposition was correct, Nutty never read. Newspapers bored him, and books made his headache. And as for thinking, he had the wrong shape of forehead. The nearest he ever got to meditation was a sort of trance-like state, a kind of suspended animation in which his mind drifted sluggishly like a log in a backwater. Nutty, it is regrettable to say, went to his room after dinner, for the purpose of imbibing two or three surreptitious whiskeys and sodas. He behaved in this way he told himself purely in order to spare Elizabeth's anxiety. There had been in the past a fool of a doctor who had prescribed total abstinence for Nutty, and Elizabeth knew this. Therefore, Nutty held, to take the mildest of drinks with her knowledge, would have been to fill her with fears for his safety. So he went to considerable inconvenience to keep the matter from her notice, and thought rather highly of himself for doing so. It certainly was inconvenient, there was no doubt of that. It made him feel like a cross between a hunted fawn and a burglar. But he had to some extent diminished the possibility of surprise by leaving his door open, and night he approached the cupboard where he kept the materials for refreshment, with a certain confidence. He had left Elizabeth on the porch in a hammock, apparently anchored for some time. The dolish was out in the ground somewhere. Presently he would come in and join Elizabeth on the porch. The risk of interruption was negligible. Nutty mixed himself a drink and settled down to brood bitterly, as he often did, on the doctor who had made that disastrous statement. Doctors were always saying things like that sweeping things which nervous people took too literally. It was true that he had been in pretty bad shape at the moment when the words had been spoken. It was just at the end of his Broadway career. When, as he handsomely admitted, there was a certain amount of truth in the opinion that his interior needed a vacation. But since then he had been living in the country, breathing good air, taking things easy, in these altered conditions, and after this lapse of time it was absurd to imagine that a moderate amount of alcohol could do him any harm. It hadn't done him any harm, that was the point. He had tested the doctor's statement and found it incorrect. He had spent three hectic days and nights in New York and, after a reasonable interval, he had felt much the same as usual. And since he had imbibed each night and nothing had happened, what he came to was that the doctor was a chump and a blighter. Simply that, nothing more. Having come to this decision, Nutty mixed another drink. He went to the head of the stairs and listened. He heard nothing. He returned to his room. Yes, that was it. The doctor was a chump. So far from doing him any harm, these nightly potations brightened Nutty up, gave him heart, and enabled him to endure life in this whole of a place. He felt a certain scornful amusement. Doctors, he supposed, had to get off that sort of talk to earn their money. He reached out for the bottle and, as he grasped it, his eye was caught by something on the floor. A brown monkey with a long gray tail was sitting there, steering at him. There was one of those painful pauses. Nutty looked at the monkey, rather like an elongated Macbeth, inspecting the ghost of Banquo. The monkey looked at Nutty. The paws continued. Nutty shut his eyes, counted ten slowly, and opened them. The monkey was still there. Boo! said Nutty, in an apprehensive undertone. The monkey looked at him. Nutty shut his eyes again. He would count sixty this time. A cold fear had laid its clammy fingers on his heart. This was what the doctor, and not such a chump after all, must have meant. Nutty began to count. There seemed to be a heavy lump inside him, and his mouth was dry. But otherwise he felt all right. That was the gruesome part of it. This dreadful thing had come upon him at a moment when he could have sworn that he was sound as a bell. If this had happened in the days when he ranged the great white way, sucking up deleterious moisture like a cloud, it would have been intelligible. But it had sneaked upon him like a thief in the night. It had stolen unheralded into his life when he had practically reformed. What was the good of practically reforming if this sort of thing was going to happen to one? Fifty-nine. Sixty. He opened his eyes. The monkey was still there, in precisely the same attitude as if it was sitting for its portrait. Panic surged upon Nutty. He lost his head completely. He uttered a wild yell, and threw the bottle at the apparition. Life had not been treating Eustace well that evening. He seemed to have happened upon one of those days when everything goes wrong. The cat had scratched him. Your job man had swathed him in an apron, and now this stranger in whom he had found at first a pleasant restfulness, soothing after the recent scenes of violence in which he had participated, did this to him. He dodged the missile, and clambered to the top of the wardrobe. It was his instinct in times of stress to seek the high spots, and then Elizabeth hurried into the room. Elizabeth had been lying in the hammock on the porch when her brother's yell had broken forth. It was a lovely, calm moonlight night, and she had been reveling in the peace of it, when suddenly this outcry from above had shot her out of her hammock like an explosion. She went upstairs, fearing she knew not what. She found Nutty sitting on the bed, looking like an overwrought giraffe. Whatever is the—she began, and then things began to impress themselves on her senses. The bottle which Nutty had thrown at Eustace had missed the latter, but it had hit the wall, and was now lying in many pieces on the floor. The air was heavy with the scent of it. The remains seemed to lure at her with a kind of furtive swagger after the manner of broken bottles. A quick thrill of anger ran through Elizabeth. She had always felt more like a mother to Nutty than a sister, and now she would have liked to exercise the maternal privilege of slapping him. "'Nutty! I saw a monkey,' said her brother, hollowly. "'I was standing over there, and I saw a monkey. Of course it wasn't there really—I flung the bottle at it, and it seemed to climb to that wardrobe.' "'This wardrobe?' "'Yes.' Elizabeth struck it a resounding blow with the palm of her hand, and Eustace's face popped over the edge, peering down anxiously. "'I can see it now,' said Nutty. A sudden faint hope came to him. "'Can you see it?' he asked." Elizabeth did not speak for a moment. This was an unusual situation, and she was wondering how to treat it. She was sorry for Nutty. But Providence had sent this thing, and it would be foolish to reject it. She must look on herself in the light of a doctor. It would be kinder to Nutty in the end. She had the feminine aversion from the lie deliberate. Her ethics on the suggestio falsi were weak. She looked at Nutty, questioning me. "'See it?' she said. "'Don't you see a monkey on the top of the wardrobe?' said Nutty, becoming more definite. "'There's a sort of bit of wood sticking out—Nutty's side. No, not that. You didn't see it. I didn't think you would.' He spoke so dejectedly. That for a moment, Elizabeth weakened. But only for an instant. "'Tell me all about this, Nutty,' she said. Nutty was beyond the desire for evasion and concealment. His one wish was to tell. He told. All. "'But Nutty, how silly of you!' "'Yes. After what the doctor said, I know. You remember his telling you, I know never again. What do you mean? I quit. I'm going to give it up.' Elizabeth embraced him eternally. "'That's a good child,' she said. You really promise? I don't have to promise. I'm just going to do it.'" Elizabeth compromised with her conscience by becoming soothing. "'You know this isn't so very serious, Nutty, darling. I mean, it's just a warning. It's warned me all right. You will be perfectly all right if—' Nutty interrupted her. "'You're sure you can't see anything? See what?' Nutty's voice became almost apologetic. "'I know it's just imagination, but the monkey seems to be climbing down from the wardrobe. "'I can't see anything climbing down in the wardrobe,' said Elizabeth, as used to us touch the floor. "'It's coming down now. It's crossing the carpet. Where? It's gone now. It went out the door. Oh! I say, Elizabeth, what do you think I ought to do? I should go to bed and have a nice long sleep, and y'all feel—somehow I don't feel much like going to bed. This sort of thing upsets a chap, you know. Oh, dear. I think I'll go for a long walk. That's a splendid idea. I think I'd better do a lot of walking from now on. Didn't charmers bring down some Indian clubs with him? I think I'll borrow them. I ought to keep out in the open a lot, I think. I wonder if there's any special diet I ought to have. Well, anyway, I'll be going for that walk." At the foot of the stairs, Nutty stopped. He looked quickly into the porch, and then looked away again. What's the matter? asked Elizabeth. I thought for a moment I saw the monkey sitting on the hammock. He went out of the house and disappeared from view down the drive, walking with long, rapid strides. Elizabeth's first act when he had gone was to fetch a banana from the ice-box. Her knowledge of monkeys was slight, but she fancied they looked with favour on bananas. It was her intention to conciliate Eustace. She had placed Eustace by now, unlike Nutty, she read the papers, and she knew all about Lady Weatherby and her pets. The fact that Lady Weatherby, as she had been informed by the grocer in Friendly Talk, had rented a summer house in the neighbourhood, made Eustace's identity positive. She had no very clear plans as to what she intended to do with Eustace, beyond being quite resolved that she was going to board and lodge him for a few days. Nutty had had the jolt he needed, but it might be that the first freshness of it would wear away. In which event it would be convenient to have Eustace on the premises. She regarded Eustace as a sort of medicine. A second dose might be necessary, and it was as well to have the mixture handy. She took another banana, in case the first might not be sufficient, and she returned to the porch. Eustace was sitting on the hammock brooding. The complexities of life were weighing him down a good deal. He was not aware of Elizabeth's presence until he found her standing by him. He had just braced himself for flight, when he perceived that she bore rich gifts. Eustace was always ready for a light snack, ready now unusual for air and exercise had sharpened his appetite. He took the banana in a detached manner, as if to convey the idea that it did not commit him to any particular course of conduct. It was a good banana, and he stretched out a hand for the other. Elizabeth sat down beside him, but he did not move. He was convinced now of her good intentions. It was thus that Lord Dawlish found them, when he came in from the garden. —As your brother gone, too, he asked. He passed me just now at eight miles an hour. —Great Scott, what's that? —It's a monkey. Don't frighten him. He's rather nervous. She tickled Eustace under the year, for their relations were now friendly. Nutty went for a walk, because he thought he saw it. —Thought he saw it? —I thought he saw it, repeated Elizabeth firmly. —Will you remember, Mr. Chalmers, that, as far as he is concerned, this monkey has no existence? —I don't understand, Elizabeth explained. —You see now? —I see. But how long are you going to keep the animal? —Just a day or two, in case. —Where are you going to keep it? —In the outhouse. Nutty never goes there. It's too near the beehives. —I suppose you don't know who the owner is? —Yes, I do. It must be Lady Weatherby. —Lady Weatherby? —She's a woman who dances at one of the restaurants. —I read in a Sunday paper about her monkey. —She's just taken a house near here. —I don't see who else the animal could belong to. Monkeys are rarities on Long Island. —Bill was silent. A sudden thought came, like a full-blown rose, flushing his brow. For days he'd been trying to find an excuse for calling on Lady Weatherby, as a first step towards meeting Claire again. —Here it was. There would be no need to interfere with Elizabeth's plans. He would be vague. He would say he had just seen the runaway. But would not add where. He would create an atmosphere of helpful sympathy. Perhaps later on Elizabeth would let him take the monkey back. —What are you thinking about? asked Elizabeth. —Oh, nothing, said Bill. —Perhaps we better stow away our visitor for the night. —Yes, Elizabeth got up. Poor dear Nutty may be coming back at any moment now, she said. But poor dear Nutty did not return for a full two hours. When he did he was dusty and tired, but almost cheerful. —I didn't see the brute once. All the time I was out, he told Elizabeth not once. Elizabeth kissed him fondly, and offered to heat water for a bath. But Nutty said he would take it cold. From now on he vowed nothing but cold baths. He conveyed the impression of being a blend of repentant sinner and hardy Norseman. Before he went to bed he approached Bill on the subject of Indian clubs. —I want to get myself into shape, old top, he said. —Yes. —I've got to cut it out. Tonight I thought I saw a monkey. —Really? Tane as I see you now. —Nutty gave the clubs a tentative swing. —What do you do with these darn things? Swing them about? All that? All right, I see the idea. Good night! But Bill did not pass a good night. He lay awake long, thinking over his plans for the morrow. End of Chapter 14 of Uneasy Money by P. G. Woodhouse, reading by Tim Bulkley of BigBible.org Chapter 15 of Uneasy Money This is a LibriVox recording, all LibriVox recordings are in the public domain. For more information on a volunteer, please visit LibriVox.org. Recording by Tim Bulkley of BigBible.org Uneasy Money by P. G. Woodhouse, Chapter 15 Lady Weatherby was feeling battered. She had not realized how seriously Roscoe Sheriff took the art of publicity, nor what would be the result of the half-hour he had spent on the telephone on the night of the departure of Eustace. Roscoe Sheriff's eloquence had fired the imagination of editors. There had been a notable lack of interesting happenings this summer. Nobody seemed to be striking or murdering or having violent accidents. The universe was torpid. In these circumstances, the escape of Eustace seemed to present possibilities. Reporters had been sent down. There were three of them living in the house now, and Wrench's air of disapproval was deepening every hour. It was their strenuousness which had given Lady Weatherby that battered feeling. There was strenuousness in the air, and she resented it on her vocation. She had come to Long Island to vegetate, and with all this going on around her, vegetation was impossible. She was not long alone. Wrench entered. A gentleman to see you, my lady. In the good old days, when she had been plain polydavis of the personnel of the chorus of various musical comedies, Lady Weatherby would have suggested a short way of disposing of this untimely visitor. But she had a position to keep up now. From some darn paper, she asked wearily, No, my lady. I fancy he is not connected with the press. There was something in Wrench's manner that perplexed Lady Weatherby, something almost human as if Wrench were on the point of coming alive. She did not guess it, but the explanation was that Bill quite unwittingly had impressed Wrench. There was that about Bill that reminded the butler of London and dignified receptions at the house of the Dowager Duchess of Waveney. It was deep calling unto deep. Where is he? I have shown him into the drawing-room, my lady. Lady Weatherby went downstairs and found a large young man awaiting her, looking nervous. Bill was feeling nervous. A sense of the ridiculousness of his mission had come upon him. After all, he asked himself, what on earth had he got to say? A presentiment had come upon him that he was about to look a perfect ass. At the sight of Lady Weatherby, his nervousness began to diminish. Lady Weatherby was not a formidable person. In spite of her momentary peevishness, she brought with her an air of genealogy and camaraderie. About your monkey, he said, coming to the point at once. Lady Weatherby brightened. Oh! Have you seen it? He was glad that she put it like that. Yes, it came round our way last night. Where is that? I am staying at a farm near here, a place they call Flax. The monkey got into one of the rooms. Yes. And then it got out again, don't you know? Lady Weatherby looked disappointed. Said, may be anywhere now, she said. In the interest of truth, Bill thought it best to leave this question unanswered. Well, it's very good of you to have bothered to come and tell me, said Lady Weatherby. It gives us a clue at any rate. Thank you. At least we know now in which direction it went. There was a pause. Bill gathered that the other was looking on the interviewer's terminated, and that she expected him to go. But he had not begun, say what he wanted to say. He tried to think of a way of introducing the subject of Clare, that should not seem too abrupt. Uh, he said. Well, said Lady Weatherby simultaneously, I beg your pardon. You have the floor, said Lady Weatherby, shoot! It was not what she had intended to say. For months she had been trying to get out of the habit of saying that sort of thing. But she still suffered relapses. Only the other day she had told Wrench to check some domestic problem or other with his hat. And he had nearly given notice. But if she had been intending to put Bill at his ease, she could not have said anything better. You have a Miss Fenwick staying with you, haven't you? He said. Lady Weatherby beamed, do you know Clare? Yes, rather. She's my best friend. We used to be in the same company when I was in England. So she told me. She was my bridesmaid when I married Lord Weatherby. Yes. Lady Weatherby was feeling perfectly happy now. And when Lady Weatherby felt happy, she always became garrulous. She was one of those people who were incapable of looking on anyone as a stranger after five minutes' acquaintance. Already, she had begun to regard Bill as an old friend. Those were the days, she said cheerfully. None of us had been, and Algie was the hardest up of the whole bunch. After we were married, we went to the Savoy for the wedding breakfast, and when it was over, the waiter came with the cheque. Algie said he was sorry, but he had a bad week at Lincoln, and he hadn't the price on him. He tried to touch me, but I passed. Then he had a go at the best man, but the best man had nothing in the world but one suit of clothes and a spare collar. Clare was broke, too, so the end of it was that the best man had to sneak out and pawn my watch and the wedding-ring. The room rang with her reminiscent laughter. Bill supplying a base accompaniment. Bill was delighted. He had never hoped that it would be granted to him to become so rapidly intimate with Clare's hostess. Why, he had only to keep a conversation in this chummy vein for a little while longer, and she would give him the run of the house. "'Miss Fennec isn't in now, I suppose,' he asked. "'No, Clare's out with Dudley Pickering. You don't know him, do you?' "'No, she's engaged to him. It is an ironical fact that Lady Weatherby was, by nature, one of the firmest believers in the existence and the policy of breaking things gently to people. She had a big soft heart, and she hated hurting her fellows. As a rule, when she had bad news to impart to anyone, she administered the blow so gradually, and with such mystery, as to the actual facts, that the victim, having passed through the various stages of imagined horrors, was genuinely relieved when she actually came to the point, to find that all that had happened was that he'd lost all his money. But now, in perfect innocence, thinking only to pass along an interesting bit of information, she had crushed Bill as effectively as if she had used a club for that purpose. "'I'm tickled to death about it,' she went on, as it were over her hero's prostrate body. "'It was I who brought them together, you know,' I wrote, telling Clare to come out here on the Atlantic.' Knowing that Dudley was sailing on that boat, I had an idea they titted it off together. Dudley fell for her right away, and she must have fallen for him, for they had only known each other for a few weeks when they came and told me they were engaged. It happened last Sunday. "'Last Sunday?' It seemed to Bill, a moment before that he would never again be capable of speech. But this statement dragged the words out of him. "'Last Sunday?' Why it was last Sunday that Clare had broken off her engagement with him? "'Ah, Sunday in the nine o'clock in the evening, with a full moon shining and soft music going on offstage. Real third-act stuff.' Bill felt positively dizzy. He groped back in his memory for facts. He had gone out for his walk after dinner. They had dined at eight. He had been walking some time. Why, in Heaven's name, this was the quickest thing in the amateur annals of civilization. His brain was too armed to work out a perfectly accurate schedule, but it looked as if she must have got engaged to this pickering person before she met him, Bill, in the road that night. "'It's a wonderful match for dear old Clare,' resumed Lady Weatherby, twisting the knife in the wound with a happy unconsciousness. "'Dudley's not only a corking good fellow, but he has thirty million dollars stuffed away in the stocking, and a business that brings him in a perfectly awful mess of money every year. He is the pickering of pickering's automobiles, you know.' Bill got up. He stood for a moment, holding to the back of his chair before speaking. It was almost exactly thus that he had felt in the days when he had gone in for boxing, and had stopped forceful swings with the more sensitive portions of his person. "'That's splendid,' he said. "'I think I'll be going.' "'I heard the car outside just now,' said Lady Weatherby. "'I think it's probably Clare and Dudley come back. Won't you wait and see her?' Bill shook his head. "'Well, goodbye for the present, then. You must come round again, any friend of Clare's, and it was fully of you to bother about looking in to tell of Eustace.' Bill had reached the door. He was about to turn the handle when somebody turned it from the other side. "'Why, here he is, Dudley,' said Lady Weatherby. "'Dudley, this is a friend of Clare's.' Dudley Pickering was one of those men who take the ceremony of introduction with a measured solemnity. It was his practice to grasp the party of the second part firmly by the hand, hold it, looking into his eyes in a reverent manner, and get off some little speech of appreciation, short but full of feeling. The opening part of the ceremony he performed now. He grasped Bill's hand firmly, held it, looked into his eyes, and then, having performed his business, fell down on his lines. Not a word proceeded from him. He dropped the hand and stared at Bill amazedly. And more than that, with fear. "'Bill, too,' uttered no word. It was not one of those chatty meetings. But if they were short on words, both Bill and Mr. Pickering were long on looks. Bill stared at Mr. Pickering. Mr. Pickering stared at Bill. Bill was drinking in Mr. Pickering, the stoutness of Mr. Pickering, the orderliness of Mr. Pickering, the dullness of Mr. Pickering, all these things he perceived. And illumination broke upon him. Mr. Pickering was drinking in Bill, the largeness of Bill, the embarrassment of Bill, the obvious villainy of Bill. None of these things escaped his notice. And illumination broke upon him also. For Dudley Pickering, in the first moment of their meeting, had recognized Bill as the man who had been lurking in the grounds and peering in at the window, the man at whom, on the night when he had become engaged to Claire, he had shouted, Hi! Where's Claire, Dudley? asked Lady Weatherby. Mr. Pickering withdrew his gaze reluctantly from Bill. Gone upstairs. I'll go and tell you're here, Mr. You never told me your name. Bill came to life with an almost acrobatic abruptness. There were many things of which, at that moment, he felt absolutely incapable, and meeting Claire was one of them. No, I must be going, he said hurriedly. Goodbye. He came very near running out of the room. Lady Weatherby regarded the practically slammed door with wide eyes. Quick exit of nut-comedian, she said. Whatever was the matter with the man? He scorched a trail in the carpet. Mr. Pickering was trembling violently. To you know who that was? He was the man, said Mr. Pickering. What man? The man I caught looking in at the window that night. What nonsense! You must be mistaken. He said he knew Claire quite well. But when you suggested he should meet her, he ran. This aspect of the matter had not occurred to Lady Weatherby, so he did. Did he tell you that showed he knew Claire? Well, now that I come to think of it, he didn't tell me anything I did at talking. He just sat there. Mr. Pickering quivered with combined fear and excitement and inductive reasoning. It was a trick, he cried. Remember what Sheriff said that night when I told you about finding the man looking in at the window? He said that the fellow was spying round as a preliminary move. Today he trumps up an obviously false excuse for getting into the house. Was he left alone in the rooms at all? Yes. Wrench loosed him in here and then came up to tell me. For several minutes then he was alone in the house. Why, he had time to do all he wanted to do. Calm down. I am perfectly calm. But you've been seeing too many crook plays, Dudley. A man isn't necessarily a burglar just because he wears a decent suit of clothes. Why was he lurking in the grounds that night? You're just imagining that it was the same man. I'm absolutely positive it was the same man. Well, we can settle one thing about him at any rate. Here comes Clare. Clare, old girl, she said, as the door opened. Do you know a man named Darnit? I never got his name. But he's—Claire stood in the doorway, looking from one to the other. What's the matter, Dudley? She said. Dudley's gone clean up in the air. He explained, Lady Weatherby, tolerantly, a friend of yours called to tell me he'd seen Eustace. So that was his excuse, was it? Said Dudley, pickering. Did he say where Eustace was? No. He said he'd seen him, that was all. Ah, and obviously trumped up story. He had heard of Eustace's escape, and he knew that any story connected with him would be a passport into the house. Lady Weatherby turned to Clare. You haven't told us if you know the man. He was a big, tall, broad gazook, said Lady Weatherby, very English. He faked the English, said Dudley, pickering. That man was no more an Englishman than I am. Be patient with him, Clare, urged Lady Weatherby. He's been going to the movies too much, and thinks that every man who has his trousers pressed is a social gangster. This man was the most English thing I've ever seen. Talk like this. She gave a possible reproduction of Bill's speech. Clare started. I don't know him. She cried. Her mind was a whirl of agitation. Why had Bill come to the house? What had he said? Had he told Dudley anything? I don't recognize the description, she said quickly. I don't know anything about him. There! said Dudley pickering triumphantly. It's queer, said Lady Weatherby. You're sure you don't know him, Clare? Absolutely sure. He said he was living at a place near here, called Flags. I know the place, said Dudley pickering. A sinister, tumbledown sort of place. Just where a bunch of crooks would be living. I thought it was a bee farm, said Lady Weatherby. One of the tradesmen told me about it. A most cookingly pretty girl bicycling down to the village one morning, and they told me she was named Boyd and kept a bee farm at Flags. A blind, said Mr. Pickering stoutly. The girls, the man's accomplice. It's quite easy to see the way they work. The girl comes and settles in the place so that everybody knows her. That's the lull's suspicion. Then the man comes down for a visit and goes about cleaning up the neighbouring houses. You can't get away from the fact that this summer there have been half a dozen burglaries down here, and nobody has found out who did them. Lady Weatherby looked at him indulgently. And now, she said, having got a scared stiff, what are you going to do about it? I am going, he said with determination, to take steps. He went out quickly. The keen, tense man of affairs. Bless him, said Lady Weatherby. I had no idea your Dudley had so much imagination, Clare. He's a perfect bombshell. Clare laughed shakily. It is odd, though, said Lady Weatherby, meditatively. This man should have said he knew you, when you don't. Clare turned impulsively. Polly, I want to tell you something. Promise you won't tell Dudley. I wasn't telling the truth just now. I do know this man. I was engaged to him once. What? For goodness' sake, don't tell Dudley. But it's all over now. I used to be engaged to him. Not when I was in England. No, after that. Then he didn't know you were engaged to Dudley now. No, I haven't seen him for a long time. Lady Weatherby looked remorseful. Poor man. I must have given him a jolt. Why didn't you tell me about him before? I don't know. Oh, well, I'm not inquisitive. There's no rubber in my composition. It's your affair. You won't tell Dudley? Course not. Why not? You've nothing to be ashamed of. No, but... Well, I won't tell him anyway. But I'm glad you told me about him. Dudley was so eloquent about burglars that he almost had me going. I wonder where he rushed off to? Dudley Pickering had rushed off to his bedroom and was examining a revolver there. He examined it carefully, keenly. Preparedness was Dudley Pickering's slogan. He looked like a rather stout sheriff in a film drama. End of Chapter 15 of Uneasy Money. Read by Tim Bulkley of BigBible.org. Chapter 16 of Uneasy Money. This is a LibriVox recording. All LibriVox recordings are in the public domain. For more information or to volunteer, please visit LibriVox.org. Recording by Tim Bulkley of BigBible.org. Uneasy Money by P.G. Woodhouse. Chapter 16. In the interesting land of India, where snakes abound and scorpions are common objects of the wayside, a native who has had the misfortune to be bitten by one of the latter pursues an admirably common-sense plan. He does not stop to lament, nor does he hang about analyzing his emotions. He runs, and runs, and runs, and keeps on running until he has worked the poison out of his system. Not until then does he attempt introspection. Lord Dawlish, though ignorant of this fact, pursued almost identically the same policy. He did not run on leaving Lady Weatherby's house, but he took a very long and very rapid walk, than which, in times of stress, there are few things of greater medicinal value to the human mind. To increase the similarity, he was conscious of a curious sense of being poisoned. He felt stifled in want of air. Bill was a simple young man, and he had a simple code of ethics. Above all things he prized and admired and demanded from his friends the quality of straightness. It was his one demand. He had never actually had a criminal friend, but he was quite capable of intimacy with even a criminal, provided only that there was something spacious about his brand of crime and that it did not involve anything mean or underhand. It was the fact that Mr. Breitstein, whom Claire had wished him to insinuate into his club, though acquitted of actual crime, had been proved guilty of meanness and treachery that had so prejudiced Bill against him. The worst accusation that he could bring against a man was that he was not square, that he had not played the game. Claire had not been square. It was that, more than the shock of surprise of Lady Weatherby's news, that had sent him striding along the state road at a rate of five miles an hour, staring before him with unseeing eyes. A sudden recollection of their last interview brought a dull flush to Bill's face and accelerated his speed. He felt physically ill. It was not immediately that he had arrived at even this sketchy outline of his feelings. For perhaps a mile he walked as the scorpion-stung natives run, blindly, wildly, with nothing in his mind but a desire to walk faster and faster, to walk as no man had ever walked before. Then, one does not wish to be unduly realistic, but the fact is too important to be ignored, he began to perspire. And hard upon that unrefined but wonder-working flow came a certain healing of spirit. Dimly at first, but every moment more clearly, he found it possible to think. The man of Bill's temperament. There are so many qualities wounded by a blow such as he had received that it is hardly surprising that his emotions, when he began to examine them, were mixed. Now one, no another of his wounds presented itself to his notice, and then individual wounds would become difficult to distinguish in the mass of injuries. Spiritually he was in the position of a man who has been hit simultaneously in a number of sensitive spots by a variety of hard and hurtful things. He was, as little able, during the early stages of his meditations, to say where he was hurt most, as a man who has been stabbed in the back, bitten in the ankle, hit in the eye, smitten with a blackjack and kicked on the shin at the same moment of time. All that such a man would be able to say with certainty would be that unpleasant things had happened to him, and there was all that Bill was able to say. Little by little, walking swiftly the while, he began to make a rough inventory. He sorted out his injuries, catalogued them. It was perhaps his self-esteem that had suffered least of all, for he was, by nature, modest. He had a savage humility, valuable in a crisis of this sort. But he looked up to Claire. He had thought her straight, and all the time she had been saying those things to him that night of their last meeting, she had been engaged to another man, a fat, bald, doddering, senile fool, whose only merit was his money. Scarcely a fair description of Mr. Pickering, but in a man of Bill's position, a little bias is excusable. Bill walked on. He felt as if he could walk forever. Automobiles world-past hooting peevishly, but he hid them not. Dogs trotted out to exchange civilities, but he ignored them. The poison in his blood drove him on, and then quite suddenly and unexpectedly, the fever passed. Almost in mid-stride, he became another man, a healed, sane man, keenly aware of a very vivid thirst and a desire to sit down and rest before attempting the 10 miles of cement road that lay between him and home. Half an hour in a wayside inn, he completed the cure. It was a weary but clear-headed Bill who trudged back through the gathering dusk. He found himself thinking of Claire as of someone he had known long ago, someone who had never touched his life. She seemed so far away that he wondered how she could ever have affected him for pain or pleasure. He looked at her across a chasm. This is the real difference between love and infatuation. That infatuation can be slain cleanly with a single blow. In the hour of clear vision which had come to him, Bill saw that he had never loved Claire. It was her beauty that had held him, that and the appeal which her circumstances had made to his pity. Their minds had not run smoothly together. Always there had been something that jarred, a subtle antagonism, and she was crooked. Almost unconsciously, his mind began to build up an image of the ideal girl, the girl he would have liked Claire to be, the girl who would conform to all that he demanded of a woman. She would be brave. He realised now that, even though it had moved his pity, Claire's quarrelousness had offended something in him. He'd made allowances for her, but the ideal girl would have had no need of allowances. The ideal girl would be plucky, cheerfully valiant, a fighter. She would not admit the existence of hard luck. She would be honest. Here, too, she would have no need of allowances. No temptation would be strong enough to make her do a mean act or think a mean thought. For her courage would give her strength, and her strength would make her proof against temptation. She would be kind. That was because she would also be extremely intelligent, and, being extremely intelligent, would have need of kindness to enable her to bear with a not very intelligent man like himself. For the rest, she would be small and alert and pretty and fair-haired and brown-eyed, and she would keep a bee-farm, and her name would be Elizabeth Boyd. Having arrived with a sense of mild astonishment at this conclusion, Bill found also to his surprise that he had walked 10 miles without knowing it, and that he was turning in at the farm gate. Somebody came down the drive, and he saw that it was Elizabeth. She hurried to meet him, small and shadowy in the uncertain light. James the cat stalked dramatically at her side. She came up to Bill, and he saw that her face wore an anxious look. He gazed at her with a curious feeling that it was a very long time since he had seen her last. Where have you been? she said, her voice troubled. I couldn't think what had become of you. I went for a walk. But you've been gone hours and hours. I went to a place called Morrisville. Morrisville? Elizabeth's eyes opened wide. Have you walked 20 miles? Why, I believe I have. It was the first time he had been really conscious of it. Elizabeth looked at him in consternation. Perhaps it was the association in her mind of unexpected walks with the newly born activities of the repentant nutty. It gave her the feeling that there must be some mental upheaval on a large scale at the back of this sudden evolution of long-distance pedestrianism. She remembered that the thought had come to her once or twice during the past week that all was not well with her visitor, and that he had seemed downcast and out of spirits. She hesitated. Is it in the matter, Mr. Chalmers? No, said Bill decidedly. He would have found difficulty in making that answer with any ring of conviction earlier in the day. But now it was different. There was nothing whatever the matter with him now. He had never felt happier. You're sure? Absolutely, I feel fine. I thought, I've been thinking for some days, that you might be in trouble of some sort. Bill swiftly added another to that list of qualities which he had been framing on his homeward journey. That girl of his would be angelically sympathetic. It's awfully good of you, he said. But honestly, I feel like, I feel great. The little troubled look passed from Elizabeth's face. Her eyes twinkled. You're really feeling happy, tremendously. Then let me damp you, we're in an awful fix. What in what way about the monkey? Has he escaped? That's the trouble he hasn't. I don't understand. Come sit down, and I'll tell you, it's a shame to keep you standing after your walk. They made their way to the massive stone seat which, Mr. Flack, the landlord, had bought at a sale and dumped in the moment of exuberance on the farm grounds. This is the most hideous thing on earth, said Elizabeth, casually. But it would have to sit on. Now, tell me, why did you go to Lady Weatherby's this afternoon? It was all so remote. It seemed so long ago that he had wanted to find an excuse for meeting Claire again. That, for a moment, Bill hesitated in actual perplexity. And before he could speak, Elizabeth had answered the question for him. I suppose you went out of kindness of heart to relieve the poor lady's mind, she said. But you certainly did the wrong thing. You started something. I didn't tell her the animal was here. What did you tell her? I said, I'd seen it, don't you know? That was enough. I'm awfully sorry. Oh, we shall pull through all right. But we must act at once. We must be swift and resolute. We must settle our charges and up and away. And all that sort of thing. Shut a dash of speed. She explained kindly at the sight of Bill's bewildered face. But what has happened? The press is on our trail. I've been interviewing reporters all the afternoon. Reporters? Millions of them. The place is alive with them. Keen, hatchet-faced young men. And every one of them was the man who really unraveled some murder mystery or other. Though the police got the credit for it. They told me so. And I say, how on earth did they get here? I suppose Lady Weatherby invited them. But why? She wants the advertisement, of course. I know it doesn't sound sensational, a lost monkey. But when it's a celebrity's lost monkey, it makes a difference. Suppose King George had lost a monkey. Wouldn't your London newspapers give it a good deal of space? Especially if it had thrown eggs at one of the ladies and bitten the Duke of Norfolk in the leg. That's what our visitor has been doing, apparently. At least he threw eggs at the scullery maid and bit a millionaire. It's practically the same thing. But anyway, there it is. The newspaper men are here. And they seem to regard this farm as their centre of operations. I had the greatest difficulty in inducing them to go home to their well-earned dinners. They wanted to camp out on the place. As it is, there may still be some of them round, hiding in the grass with notebooks and telling one another in whispers that they were the men who really solved the murder mystery. What shall we do? Bill had no suggestions. You realise our position. I wonder if we could be arrested for kidnapping. The monkey is far more human than most of the millionaire children who get kidnapped. It's an awful fix. Did you know that Lady Weatherby is going to offer a reward for the animal? No, really? Five hundred dollars? Surely not. She is. I suppose she feels she can charge it up to necessary expenses for publicity and still be ahead of the game, taking into account the advertising she's going to get. She said nothing about that when I saw her. No, because it won't be offered until tomorrow or the day after. One of the newspaper men told me that. The idea, of course, is to make the thing exciting, just when it would otherwise be dying as a news item. Cumulative interest. It's a good scheme, too. But it makes it very awkward for me. I don't want to be in the position of keeping a monkey locked up with the idea of waiting until somebody starts a bull market in monkeys. I consider that sort of thing would be a stain on the spotless escutcheon of the boys. It would be a low trick for that old established family to play. Not but what poor dear Nutty would do it like a shot. She concluded meditatively. Bill was impressed. Does make it awkward, what? Makes it more than awkward, what? To take another aspect of the situation, the night before last my precious Nutty, while ruining his constitution with the demon Rum, thought he saw a monkey that wasn't there and instantly resolved to lead a new and better life. He hates walking, but he has now begun to do his five miles a day. He loathes cold baths, but he now wallows in them. I don't know his views on Indian clubs, but I should think that he has a strong prejudice against them, too, but now you can't go near him without taking a chance of being brained. Are all these good things to stop as quickly as they began? If I know Nutty, he would drop them exactly one minute after he heard that it was a real monkey he saw that night. And how are we to prevent his hearing? By a merciful miracle, he was out taking his walk when the newspaper men began to infest the place today. But that might not happen another time. What conclusion does all this suggest to you, Mr. Chalmers? We ought to get rid of the animal, this very minute. But don't you bother to come, you must be tired out, poor thing. I never felt less tired, said Bill Stoutly. Elizabeth looked at him in silence for a moment. You're rather splendid, you know, Mr. Chalmers. You make a great partner of an adventure of this kind. You're nice and solid. The outhouse lay in the neighborhood of the hives, a gaunt wooden structure surrounded by bushes. Elizabeth glanced over her shoulder as she drew the key from her pocket. You can't think how nervous I was this afternoon, she said. I thought every moment one of those newspaper men would look in here. I, James, James! I thought I heard James in those bushes. I kept heading them away. Once I thought it was all up, she unlocked the door. One of them was about a yard from the window. Just going to look in. Thank goodness, a bee stung him at the psychological moment and, oh, what's the matter? Come and get a banana. They walked to the house. On the way, Elizabeth stopped. Why, you haven't had any dinner, either, she said. Am I me? Said Bill, I can wait. But get this thing finished first. You really are a sport, Mr. Chalmers? Said Elizabeth gratefully. It would kill me to wait a minute. I shan't feel happy until I've got it over. Will you stay here while I go up and see that Nutty's safe in his room? She had it as they entered the house. She stopped abruptly. A feline howl had broken the stillness of the night, followed instantly by a sharp report. What was that? Sounded like a car backfiring. That was a shot. One of the neighbors, I expect. You can hear miles away on a night like this. I suppose a cat was after his chickens. Thank goodness James isn't a pirate cat. Wait while I go up and see Nutty. She was gone, only a moment. It's all right, she said. I peeped in. He's doing deep breathing exercises at his window, which looks out the other way. Come along. When they reached the outhouse, they found the door open. Did you do that? Said Elizabeth. Did you leave it open? No. I don't remember doing it myself. It must have swung open. Well, this saves us a walk. He'll have gone. Better take a look around. What? Yes, I suppose so. But he's sure not to be there. Have your match. Bill struck one and held it up. Good Lord! The match went out. What is it? What's happened? Bill was fumbling for another match. There's something on the floor. It looks like I thought for a minute. The small flame shot out of the gloom, flickered. Then burned with a steady glow. Bill stooped, bending over something on the ground. The match burned down. Bill's voice came out of the darkness. I say you were right about that noise. It was a shot. The poor little chaps down there on the floor were the hole in him the size of my fist. End of Chapter 16 of Uneasy Money by P. G. Woodhouse. Read by Tim Bulkley of BigBible.org Chapter 17 of Uneasy Money This is a LibriVox recording. All LibriVox recordings are in the public domain. For more information or to volunteer, please visit LibriVox.org. Recording by Tim Bulkley of BigBible.org Uneasy Money by P. G. Woodhouse, Chapter 17 Boyhood, like measles, is one of those complaints which a man should catch young and have done with. For when it comes in middle life, it's apt to be serious. Dudley Pickering had escaped Boyhood at the time when his contemporaries were contracting it. It is true that for a few years after leaving the cradle he had exhibited a certain immaturness. But as soon as he put on knickerbockers and began to go about a little, he outgrew all that. He avoided altogether the chaotic period which usually lies between the years of ten and fourteen. At ten he was a thoughtful and sober-minded young man. At fourteen almost an old fogey. And now, thirty-odd years overdue, Boyhood had come upon him. As he examined the revolver in his bedroom, wild and unfamiliar emotions sieved within him, he did not realise it, but they were the emotions which should have come to him thirty years before and driven him out to hunt Indians in the garden. An imagination which might well have become atrophied through disuse had him as thoroughly in its control as ever he had had his Pickering Giant. He believed almost with devoutness in the plot which he had detected for the spoilation of Lord Weatherby's summer-house, that plot of which he held Lord Dawlish to be the mainspring. And it must be admitted that circumstances had combined to help his belief. If the atmosphere in which he was moving was not sinister, then there was no meaning in the word. Summer-houses had been burgled. There was no getting away from that, half a dozen at least, in the past two months. He was a stranger in the locality, so he had no means of knowing that summer-houses were always burgled on Long Island every year, as regularly as the coming of the mosquito and the advent of the jellyfish. It was one of the local industries. People left summer-houses lying about loose in lonely spots, and you just naturally got in through the cellar window. Such was the Long Islander's simple creed. This created to Mr Pickering's mind an atmosphere of burglary, a receptiveness as it were, towards burglars as phenomena, and the extremely peculiar behaviour of the person, whom in his thoughts he had always referred to as the man, crystallised it. He had seen the man hanging about, peering in windows. He had shouted, Hi! and the man had run. The man had got into the house under the pretence of being a friend of Claire's. At the suggestion that he should meet Claire, he had dashed away in a panic, and Claire, both then and later, had denied absolutely any knowledge of him. As for the apparently blameless beekeeping that was going on at the place where he lived, that was easily discounted. Mr Pickering had heard somewhere, or read somewhere. He rather thought that it was in those interesting but disturbing chronicles of raffles. That the first thing an intelligent burglar did, was to assume some open and innocent occupation, to avert possible inquiry into his real mode of life. Mr Pickering did not put it so to himself, for he was rarely so slangy even in thought. But what he felt was that he had caught the man and his confederate with the goods. Mr Pickering had had his boyhood at the proper time and finished with it. He would no doubt have acted otherwise than he did. He would have contented himself with conducting a war of defence. He would have notified the police. And considered that all that remained for him personally to do was to stay in his room at night with his revolver. But boys will be boys. The only course that seemed to him in any way satisfactory, in his hour of rejuvenation, was to visit the bee farm, the hotbed of crime, and keep an eye on it. He wanted to go there and prowl. He did not anticipate any definite outcome of his visit. In his boyish elemental way, he just wanted to take a revolver and a pocketful of cartridges, and prowl. It was a great night for prowling, a moon so little less than full that the eye could barely detect its slight tendency to become concave, shone serenely. Creating a desirable combination of black shadows where the prowler might hide and great stretches of light, in which the prowler might reveal his wickedness without disguise. Mr. Pickering walked briskly along the road, then less briskly as he drew nearer the farm. An opportune belt of shrubs that ran from the gate adjoining the road, to a point not far from the house, gave him just the cover he needed. He slipped into this belt of shrubs and began to work his way through them. Like generals, authors, artists, and others, who, after planning broad effects, have to get down to the detail work, he found that this was where his troubles began. He had conceived the journey through the shrubbery in rather an airy mood. He thought it would just go through the shrubbery. He had not taken into account the branches, the thorns, the occasional unexpected holes, and he was both warm and dishevelled, when he reached the end of it and found himself out in the open within a short distance of what he recognised as beehives. It was not for some time that he was able to give that selfless attention to exterior objects, which is the prowler's chief asset. For quite a while, the only thought of which he was conscious was that what he needed most was a cold drink and a cold bath. Then, with a return to clear-headedness, he realised that he was standing out in the open, visible from three sides to anyone who might be in the vicinity, and he withdrew into the shrubbery. He was not fond of the shrubbery, but it was a splendid place to withdraw into. It swallowed you up. This was the last move of the first part of Mr. Pickering's active campaign. He stayed where he was in the middle of a bush, and waited for the enemy to do something. What he expected him to do, he did not know. The subconscious thought that animated him was that on a night like this, something was bound to happen sooner or later. Just such a thought on similarly stimulating nights had animated men of his acquaintance 30 years ago, men who were as elderly and stolid and underventurous now as Mr. Pickering had been then. He would have resented the suggestion profoundly, but the truth of the matter was that Dudley Pickering, after a late start, had begun to play Indians. Nothing had happened for a long time. For such a long time, that in spite of the ferment within him, Mr. Pickering almost began to believe that nothing would happen. The moon shone with unutterable calm. The crickets and the tree-frogs performed their interminable duet. Apparently unconscious, that they were attacking it in different keys, a fact that, after a while, began to infuriate Mr. Pickering. Mosquitoes added their weedy tenor to the concert. A twig on which he was standing snapped with a report like a pistol. The moon went on shining. Away in the distance a dog began to howl. An automobile passed in the road. For a few moments Mr. Pickering was able to occupy himself pleasantly, with speculations as to its make. And then he became aware that something was walking down the back of his neck, just beyond the point where his fingers could reach it. Discomfort enveloped Mr. Pickering. At various times by day he had seen long-winged black creatures with slim waists and unpleasant faces. Could it be one of these? Or a caterpillar? Or—and the maddening thing was that he did not dare to slap it, for who knew what desperate characters the sound might not attract? Well, it wasn't stinging him. That was something. A second howling dog joined the first one. A wave of sadness was apparently afflicting the canine population of the district to-night. Mr. Pickering's vitality began to ebb. He was aging, and imagination slackened its grip. And then, just as he had begun to contemplate the possibility of abandoning the whole adventure and returning home, he was jerked back to boyhood again by the sound of voices. He shrank back further into the bushes. A man—the man—was approaching, accompanied by his female associate. They passed so close to him that he could have stretched out a hand and touched them. Though the female associate was speaking, and her first words set all Mr. Pickering's suspicions dancing a dance of triumph, the girl gave herself away in her opening sentence. You can't think how nervous I was this afternoon, he heard her say. She had a soft, pleasant voice, but soft, pleasant voices may be the vehicles for conveying criminal thoughts. I thought every moment one of those newspaper men would look in here. Where was here? Ah! that out-house! Mr. Pickering had had his suspicions of that out-house already. It was one of those structures that look at you furtively, as if something were hiding in them. James! James! I thought I heard James in those bushes. The girl was looking straight at the spot occupied by Mr. Pickering, and it had been the start caused by her first words and the resultant rustle of branches that had directed her attention to him. He froze. The danger passed. She went on speaking. Mr. Pickering pondered on James. Who was James? Another of the gang, of course. How many of them were there? Once I thought it was all up. One of them was about a yard from the window, just going to look in. Mr. Pickering thrilled. There was something hidden in the out-house then. Swag! Thank goodness a bee stung him at the psychological moment, and oh! She stopped and the man spoke. What's the matter? It interested Mr. Pickering. The man retained his English accent, even when talking privately with his associates. For practice, no doubt. Come and get a banana, said the girl, and they went off together in the direction of the house, leaving Mr. Pickering bewildered. Why a banana? Was it a slang term of the underworld for a pistol? It must be that. But he had no time for speculation. Now was his chance, the only chance he would ever get of looking into that out-house and finding out its mysterious contents. He had seen the girl unlock the door. A few steps would take him there. All it needed was nerve. With a strong effort, Mr. Pickering succeeded in obtaining the nerve. He burst from his bush, and trotted to the out-house door, opened it, and looked in. And at that moment, something touched his leg. At the right time and in the right frame of mind, man is capable of stoic endureances that excite wonder and admiration. Mr. Pickering was no weakling. He had once upset his automobile in a ditch. And waited for twenty minutes until help came to relieve a broken arm. And he had done it without a murmur. But on the present occasion there was a difference. His mind was not adjusted for the occurrence. There are times when it is unseasonable to touch a man on the leg. This was a moment when he was unseasonable in the case of Mr. Pickering. He bounded silently into the air. His whole being went asunder as by a cataclysm. He had been holding his revolver in his hand as a protection against nameless terrors, and as he leaped he pulled the trigger. Then with the automatic instinct for self-preservation, he sprang back into the bushes and began to push his way through them until he had reached a safe distance from the danger zone. James the cat, meanwhile, hurt at the manner in which his friendly move had been received, had taken refuge on the out-house roof. He mewed, complainingly, a puzzled note in his voice. Mr. Pickering's behaviour had been one of those things that no fellow can understand—the whole thing. Seemed inexplicable to James. Odorlish stood in the doorway of the out-house, holding the body of Eustace gingerly by the tail. It was a solemn moment. There was no room for doubt as to the completeness of the extinction of Lady Weatherby's pet. Dudley Pickering's bullet had done its lethal work. Eustace's adventurous career was over. He was through. Elizabeth's mouth was trembling, and she looked very white in the moonlight. Being naturally soft-hearted, she deplored the tragedy for its own sake. And she was also, though not lacking in courage, decidedly upset by the discovery that some person unknown had been roaming her premises with a firearm. Oh, Bill! she said. Then, poor little chap! And then, who could have done it? Odorlish did not answer. His whole mind was occupied at the moment, with the contemplation of the fact that she had called him Bill. Then he realised that she had spoken three times and expected a reply. Who could have done it? Bill pondered. Never a quick-thinker, the question found him unprepared. Some fellow, I expect. He said at last, rightly, God in, don't you know! And then his pistol went off by accident. But what was he doing with a pistol? Bill looked a little puzzled at this. Why, he would have a pistol, wouldn't he? I thought everybody had over here. Except for what he had been able to observe during the brief period of his present visit, Lord Odorlish's knowledge of the United States had been derived from the American plays which he had seen in London. And in these, chappies were producing revolvers all the time. He had got the impression that the revolver was as much a part of the ordinary, well-dressed man's equipment in the United States as a collar. I think it was a burglar, said Elizabeth. There have been a lot of burglaries down here this summer. What a burglar, a burglely outhouse. Rummy idea, rather, what? No much sense in it. I think it must have been a tramp. I expect tramps are always popping about and nosing into all sorts of extraordinary places, you know. He must have been standing quite close to us. While we were talking, said Elizabeth, with a shiver. Bill looked about him. Everywhere was peace. No sinister sounds competed with the croaking of the tree-frogs. No alien figures infested the landscape. The only alien figure that had missed pickering was wedged into a bush invisible to the naked eye. Gone now, at any rate, he said, What are we going to do? Elizabeth gave another shiver as she glanced, hurriedly at the deceased. After life's fitful fever, Eustace slept well. But he was not looking his best. With it, she said, I say, advised Bill. I shouldn't call him it, don't you know? It sort of rubs it in. Why not him? I suppose you better bury him. Have you spayed anywhere handy? There isn't a spade on the place, Bill looked thoughtful. Takes weeks to make a hole in anything else, you know? He said, When I was a kid, a friend of mine bet me I wouldn't dig my way through to China with a pocket knife. It was an awful frost. I tried for a couple of days and broke the knife and didn't get any in the air, China. He laid the remains on the grass and surveyed them meditatively. This is what fellows always run up against in detective novels. What to do with the body? They manage the murder part of it all right and then stub their toes on the body problem. I wish you wouldn't talk as if we'd done a murder. I feel as if we had, don't you? Exactly. I heard a story once where a fellow slugged somebody and melted the corpse down in a bathtub with sulfuric. Stop, you're making me sick. Only a suggestion, don't you know? Said Bill apologetically. Well, suggest something else, then. How about leaving him on Lady Weatherby's doorstep? See what I mean? Let them take him in with the morning milk. Or, if you'd rather, ring the bell and go away. And you don't think much of it. I simply haven't the nerve to anything so risky. Oh, I would do it. There'd be no need for you to come. I wouldn't dream of deserting you. That's awfully good of you. Besides, I'm not going to be left alone to-night, till I can jump into my little white bed and pull the clothes over my head. I'm scared. I'm just boneless with fright. I wouldn't go anywhere nearly at Lady Weatherby's doorstep with it. Him. It's no use. I can't think of it as him. It's no good asking me to. Bill frowned thoughtfully. Read a story once where two chappies wanted to get rid of a body. They put it inside a fellow's piano. You do seem to have read the most horrible sort of books. I rather like a bit of blood in my fiction, said Bill. What about this piano scheme I read about? People only have talking machines in these parts. I read a story. Let's try to forget the stories you've read. So do you have something of your own? Well, could we dissect the little chap? Dissect him? And bury him in the cellar, you know. Fellows do it to their wives. Elizabeth shuddered. Try again, she said. Well, the only other thing I can think of is to take him into the woods and leave him there. It's a pity we can't let Lady Weatherby know where he is. She seems rather keen on him. But I suppose the main point is to get rid of him. I know how we can do both. That's a good idea of yours about the woods. They are part of Lady Weatherby's property. I used to wander about in the spring when the houses was empty. There's a sort of shack in the middle of them. I shouldn't think anybody ever went there to deserted sort of place. We could leave him there, and then, well, we might write Lady Weatherby a letter or something. We could think out that part afterward. It's the best thing we've thought of. You really want to come? If you attempt to leave here without me, I shall scream. Let's be starting. Bill picked Eustace up by his convenient tale. I read a story once, he said, where a fellow was lugging a corpse through a wood when suddenly, stop right there, said Elizabeth firmly. During the conversation just recorded, Dudley Pickering had been giving a watchful eye on Bill and Elizabeth from the interior of a bush. He was not in the ideal position for espionage, for he was too far off to hear what they said, and the light was too dim to enable him to see what it was that Bill was holding. It looked to Mr. Pickering like a sack or bag of some sort. The time went by, he became convinced that it was a sack, limp and empty at present, but destined later to receive and bulge, with what he believed was technically known as the swag. When the two objects of vigilance concluded their lengthy consultation and moved off in the direction of Lady Weatherby's woods, any doubts he may have had as to whether they were the criminals he had suspected them of being were dispersed. The whole thing worked out logically. The man, having spied out the land in his two visits to Lady Weatherby's house, was now about to break in. His accomplice would stand by with the sack, with a beating heart. Mr. Pickering gripped his revolver and moved round in the shadow of the shrubbery till he came to the gate. When he was just in time to see the guilty couple disappear into the woods, he followed them. He was glad to get on the move again. While he had been wedged into the bush, quite a lot of bush had been wedged into him. Something sharp had pressed against the calf of his leg, and he had been pinched in a number of tender places. And he was convinced that one more of God's unpleasant creatures had got down the back of his neck. Dudley Pickering moved through the wood as snakily as he could. Nature had shaped him more for stability than for snakeiness, but he did his best. He tingled with the excitement of the chase, and endeavored to creep through the undergrowth, like one of those intelligent Indians of whom he had read so many years before in the pages of Mr. Fenimore Cooper. In those days, Dudley Pickering had not thought very highly of Fenimore Cooper, holding his work deficient in serious and scientific interest. Now it seemed to him that there had been something in the man after all, and he resolved to get some of his books and go over them again. He wished he had read them more carefully at the time, for they doubtless contained much information and many hints which would have come in handy just now. He seemed, for example, to recall characters in them who had the knack of going through forests without letting a single twig crack beneath their feet. Probably the author had told how this was done. In his unenlightened state it was beyond Mr. Pickering. The wood seemed carpeted with twigs. Whenever he stepped he trod on one, and whenever he trod on one it cracked beneath his feet. There were moments when he felt gloomily that he might just as well be firing a machine gun. Bill, meanwhile, Elizabeth following close behind him, was plowing his way onward. From time to time he would turn to administer some encouraging remark. For it had come home to him, by now, that encouraging remarks were what she needed, very much, in the present crisis of her affairs. She was showing him a new and hitherto unsuspected side of her character. The Elizabeth whom he had known, the valiant, self-reliant Elizabeth had gone, leaving in her stead someone softer, more appealing, more approachable. It was this that was filling him with strange emotions as he led the way to their destination. He was becoming more and more conscious of a sense of being drawn very near to Elizabeth, of a desire to soothe, comfort, and protect her. It was as if tonight he had discovered the missing key to a puzzle or the missing element in some chemical combination. Like most big men, his mind was essentially a protective mind. Weakness drew out the best that was in him, and it was only tonight that Elizabeth had given any sign of having any weakness in her composition. That clear vision which had come to him on his long walk came again now, that vivid conviction that she was the only girl in the world for him. He was debating with himself the advisability of trying to find words to express this sentiment, when Mr. Pickering, the modern chinchagook, trodden another twig in the background, and Elizabeth stopped abruptly with a little cry. What was that? She demanded. Bill had heard a noise, too. It was impossible to be within a dozen yards of Mr. Pickering when on the trail, and not hear a noise. The suspicion that someone was following them did not come to him, for he was a man rather of common sense than of imagination, and common sense was asking him bluntly why the juice anybody should want to tramp after them through a wood at that time of night. He caught the note of panic in Elizabeth's voice and was soothing her. Ah, it was just a branch breaking. You hear all sorts of rum noises in a wood. I believe it's the man with the pistol following us. Nonsense, why should he? It's the only thing to do. He spoke almost severely. Look! cried Elizabeth. What? I saw someone dodged behind that tree. You mustn't let yourself imagine things. Buck up. I can't buck up. I'm scared. Which tree did you think you saw someone dodge behind? A big one there. Well, listen, I'll go back, and if you leave me for an instant, I shall die in Agony's. She gulped. I never knew I was such a coward before. I'm just a worm. Nonsense! This sort of thing might frighten anyone. I read a story once, don't! Bill found that his heart had suddenly begun to beat with unaccustomed rapidity. The desire to soothe, comfort, and protect Elizabeth became the immediate ambition of his life. It was very dark where they stood. The moonlight, which fell in little patches around them, did not penetrate the thicket which they had entered. He could hardly see her. He was merely aware of her as a presence. An excellent idea occurred to him. All by hand, he said. It was what he would have said to a frightened child, and there was much of the frightened child about Elizabeth then. The Eustis mystery had given her a shock which subsequent events had done nothing to dispel. And she had lost that jauntiness and self-confidence, which was her natural armor, against the more ordinary happenings of life. Something small and soft slid gratefully into his palm, and there was silence for a space. Bill said nothing. Elizabeth said nothing. And Mr. Pickering had stopped treading on twigs. The faintest of night breezes ruffled the treetops above them. The moon-beams filtered through the branches. He held her hand tightly. Better, much! The breeze died away. Not a leaf stirred. The wood was very still. Somewhere on a bow, a bird moved drowsily. All right? Yes. And then something happened. Something shattering, disintegrating. It was only a pheasant, but it sounded like the end of the world. It rose at their feet with a rattle that filled the universe, and for a moment all was black confusion. And when that moment had passed, it became apparent to Bill that his arm was round Elizabeth, that she was sobbing helplessly, and that he was kissing her. Somebody was talking very rapidly in a low voice. He found that it was himself. Elizabeth! There was something wonderful about the name, a sort of music. This was odd, because the name, as a name, was far from being a favourite of his, until that moment childish associations had prejudiced him against it. It had been inextricably involved in his mind, with an atmosphere of stuffy old-school rooms and general misery. For it had been his misfortune that his budding mind was constitutionally incapable of remembering who had been Queen of England at the time of the Spanish Armada, a fact that had caused a good deal of friction, with a rather sharp-tempered governess. But now it seemed the only possible name for a girl to have, the only label that could even remotely suggest those feminine charms which he found in this girl beside him. There was poetry in every syllable of it. It was like one of those deep cords, which filled the hero with vague yearnings for strange and beautiful things. He asked for nothing better than to stand here repeating it. Elizabeth! Bill, dear! That sounded good, too. There was music in Bill when properly spoken. The reason why all the other bills in the world had got the impression that it was a prosaic sort of name, was that there was only one girl in existence capable of speaking it properly, and she was not for them. Bill, are you really fond of me? Fond of you? She gave a sigh. You're so splendid. Bill was staggered. These were strange words. He had never thought much of himself. He had always looked on himself as rather a chump, well, meaning perhaps, but an awful ass. It seemed incredible that anyone, and Elizabeth of all people, could look on him as splendid. And yet the very fact that she had said it gave it a plausible sort of sound. It shook his convictions. Splendid, was he? By Joe, perhaps he was, what? Rum idea, but he grew on a chap. Bill, with a novel feeling of exaltation, he kissed Elizabeth eleven times in rapid succession. He felt devilish fit. He would have liked to run a mile or two and jump a few gates. He wished six or seven starving beggars would come along. It would be pleasant to give the poor blighters money. It was too much to expect at that time of night, of course, but it rather jolly if Jess Willard would roll up and try to pick a quarrel. He would show him something. He felt grand and strong and full of beans. What a ripping thing life was when you came to think of it. This, he said, is perfectly extraordinary. And time stood still. A sense of something incongruous, jarred upon Bill. Something seemed to be interfering with the supreme romance of that golden moment. It baffled him at first. Then he realized that he was still holding Eustace by the tail. Dudley Pickering had watched these proceedings, as well as the fact that it was extremely dark and that he was endeavouring to hide a portly form behind a slender bush would permit him. With a sense of bewilderment. A comic artist drawing Mr. Pickering at that moment would no doubt have placed above his head one of those large marks of interrogation which lend vigor and snap to modern comic art. Certainly such a mark of interrogation would have summed up his feelings exactly. Of what was taking place he had not the remotest notion. All he knew was that for some inexplicable reason his quarry had come to a halt and seemed to have settled down for an indefinite stay. Voices came to him in an indistinguishable murmur, intensely irritating to a conscientious tracker. One of Fenimore Cooper's Indians, notably Chinchagook, if, which seemed incredible, that was really the man's name, would have crept up without a sound, and herbop was being said, and got in on the ground floor of whatever plot was being hatched. But experience had taught Mr. Pickering that superior as he was to Chinchagook and his friends in many ways. As a creeper he was not in their class. He weighed thirty or forty pounds more than a first-class creeper should. Besides, creeping is like golf. You can't take it up in the middle forties and expect to compete with those who've been at it from infancy. He had resigned himself to an all-night vigil behind the bush, when, in his great delight, he perceived that things had begun to move again. There was a rustling of feet in the undergrowth, and he could just see two indistinct forms, making their way among the bushes. He came out of his hiding-place and followed stealthily, or as stealthily as the fact that he had not even taken a correspondence course in creeping, allowed. And, profiting by earlier mistakes, he did succeed in making far less noise than before, in place of his former somewhat elephantine method of progression. He had adopted a species of shuffle, which had excellent results, for it enabled him to brush twigs away instead of stepping flat-footedly on them. The new method was slow, but it had no other disadvantages. Because it was slow, Mr. Pickering was obliged to follow his prey almost entirely by ear. It was easy at first, for they seemed to be hurrying on regardless of noise. Then unexpectedly, the sounds of their passage ceased. He halted. In his boyish way, the first thing he thought was that it was an ambush. He had a vision of that large man, suspecting his presence, and lying in wait for him with a revolver. This was not a comforting thought. Of course, if a man is going to fire a revolver at you, it makes little difference, whether he's a giant or a pygmy. But Mr. Pickering was in no frame of mind for nice reasoning. It was the thought of Bill's physique, which kept him standing there in resolute. What would Chinchagook, assuming for the purpose of argument that any sane godfather could really have given a helpless child a name like that, have done? He would, Mr. Pickering considered, after giving the matter his earnest attention, have made a detour and outflanked the enemy. An excellent solution of the difficulty. Mr. Pickering turned to the left and began to advance circuitously. With the result that, before he knew what he was doing, he came out into a clearing, and understood the meaning of the sudden silence which had perplexed him. Footsteps made no sound on this mossy turf. He knew where he was now. The clearing was familiar. This was where Lord Weatherby's shack studio stood. And there it was, right in front of him, black and clear in the moonlight. And the two dark figures were going into it. Mr. Pickering retreated to the shelter of the bushes and mused upon this thing. It seemed to him that for centuries he had been doing nothing, but retreating to bushes for this purpose. His perplexity had returned. He could imagine no reason why burglars should want to visit Lord Weatherby's studio. He had taken it for granted when he had tracked them to the clearing, that they were on their way to the house, which was quite close to the shack, separated from it, only by a thin belt of trees and a lawn. They had certainly gone in. He had seen them with his own eyes, first the man, then, very close behind him, apparently holding his coat, the girl. But why? Creep up and watch them? Would Chinchagook have taken a risk like that? Hardly unless ensured by some good company. Then what? He was still undecided when he perceived the objects of his attention emerging. He backed a little further into the bushes. They stood for an instant, listening apparently. The man no longer carried the sack. They exchanged a few inaudible words. Then they crossed the clearing and entered the wood, a few yards to his right. He could hear the crackling of their footsteps diminishing in the direction of the road. A devouring curiosity seized upon Mr. Peckering. He wanted, more than he had wanted, anything before in his life, to find out what the dickens they had been up to in there. He listened. The footsteps were no longer audible. He ran across the clearing and into the shack. It was then that he discovered that he had no matches. This needless inflection coming upon him at the crisis of an adventurous night infuriated Mr. Peckering. He swore softly. He groped round the walls for an electric light switch. But the shack had no electric light switch. When there was need to illuminate it, an oil lamp performed the duty. This occurred to Mr. Peckering after he had been round the place three times, and he ceased to grope for a switch and began to seek for a match-box. He was still seeking it, when he was frozen in his tracks by the sound of footsteps, muffled, but by their nearness, audible, just outside the door. He pulled out his pistol, which he had replaced in his pocket, backed against the wall, and stood there prepared to sell his life dearly. The door opened. One reads of desperate experiences aging people in a single night. His present predicament aged Mr. Peckering in a single minute. In the brief interval of time between the opening of the door, and the moment when a voice outside began to speak, he became a full thirty years older. His boyish ardour slipped from him, and he was once more the dud Peckering whom the world knew, the staid and respectable middle-aged man of affairs, who would have given a million dollars, not to have got himself mixed up in this deplorable business. And then the voice spoke. All right, the lamp! It said, and with an overpowering feeling of relief, Mr. Peckering recognized it as Lord Weatherby's. A moment later the temperamental peer's dapper figure became visible in silhouette, against a background of pale light. Ahem! said Mr. Peckering. The effect on Lord Weatherby was remarkable. To hear someone clear his throat at the back of a dark room, where there should rightfully be no throat to be cleared, would cause even your man of stolid habit a passing thrill. The thing got right in among Lord Weatherby's highly sensitive ganglions like an earthquake. He uttered a strangled cry, then dashed out and slammed the door behind him. There's someone in there! Lady Weatherby's tranquil voice made itself heard. Nonsense! Who could be in there? I heard him, I tell you, he growled at me. It seemed to Mr. Peckering that the time had come to relieve the mental distress, which he was causing his host. He raised his voice. It's all right! he called. There! said Lord Weatherby. Who's that? asked Lady Weatherby through the door. It's all right, it's me, Peckering. The door was opened a few inches by a cautious hand. Is that you, Peckering? Yes, it's all right. Don't keep saying it's all right! said Lord Weatherby irritably. It isn't all right. What do you mean by hiding in the dark and popping out and bucking at a man? You made me by my tongue. I've never had such a shock in my life. Mr. Peckering left his lair and came out into the open. Lord Weatherby was looking aggrieved. Lady Weatherby peacefully inquisitive. For the first time, Mr. Peckering discovered that Claire was present. She was standing behind Lady Weatherby, with a floating white something over her head, looking very beautiful. Mr. Peckering became aware that he was still holding the revolver. Oh, ah! he said, and pocketed the weapon. Barking at people, muttered Lord Weatherby in a querulous undertone. What on earth are you doing, Dudley? said Claire. There was a note in her voice, which both puzzled and pained Mr. Peckering—a note which seemed to suggest that she found herself in imperfect sympathy with him. Her expression deepened the suggestion it was a cold expression, unfriendly, as if it was not so keen a pleasure to Claire to look at him as it should be for a girl to look at the man whom she has engaged to marry. He noticed the same note in her voice, and the same hostile look in her eye, earlier in the evening. He found her alone, reading a letter which, as the stamp on the envelope showed, had come from England. She had seemed so upset that he had asked her if it contained bad news, and she had replied in the negative with so much irritation that he had desisted from inquiries. But his own idea was that she had had bad news from home. Mr. Peckering still clung to his early impression that her little brother Percy was consumptive, and he thought the child must have taken a turn for the worse. It was odd that she should have looked and spoken like that then. And it was odd that she should look and speak like that now. He had been vaguely disturbed then, and he was vaguely disturbed now. He had the feeling that all was not well. Yes, said Lady Weatherby. What on earth are you doing, Dudley? Popping out, grumbled Lord Weatherby. We came here to see Algy's picture, which has got something wrong with its eyes, apparently, and we find you hiding in the dark with a gun. What's the idea? It's a long story, said Mr. Peckering. We have the night before us, said Lady Weatherby. You remember the man? The fellow I found looking in at the window. The man who said he knew Claire. You've got that man on the brain, Dudley. What's he been doing to you now? I tracked him here. Tracked him? Where from? From that bee-farm place where he's living. He and that girl you spoke of went into these woods. I thought they were making for the house, but they went into the shack. What did they do then? asked Lady Weatherby. They came out again. Why? That's what I was trying to find out. Lord Weatherby uttered an exclamation. Thy jove! There was apprehension in his voice, but mingled with it a certain pleased surprise. Perhaps they were after my picture. I'll light the lamp. Good Lord, picture thieves! Romney's missing Gainsborough's. His voice trailed off as he found the lamp and lit it. Relief and disappointment were nicely blended in his next words. No. It's still there. The soft light of the lamp filled the studio. Well, that's a comfort, said Lady Weatherby, sauntering in. We couldn't afford to lose— Oh! Lord Weatherby spun round as her scream burst upon his already tortured nerve-centres. Lady Weatherby was kneeling on the floor, Claire hurried in. What is it, Polly? Lady Weatherby rose to her feet and pointed. Her face had lost its look of patient amusement. It was hard and set. She eyed Mr. Pickering in a menacing way. Look! Claire followed her finger. Good gracious, it's eustis! Shot! She was looking intently at Mr. Pickering. Well, Dudley? She said coldly. What about it? Mr. Pickering found that they were all looking at him. Lady Weatherby with glittering eyes. Claire with cool scorn. Lord Weatherby with a horror which he seemed to have achieved with something of an effort. Well! said Claire. What about it, Dudby? said Lady Weatherby. I must say, Pickering, said Lord Weatherby. Much as I disliked the animal, it's a bit thick. Mr. Pickering recoiled from their accusing gaze. Good heavens! Do you think I did it? In the midst of his anguish, there flashed across his mind the recollection of having seen just this sort of situation in a moving picture, and of having thought it far-fetched. Lady Weatherby's good-tempered mouth, far from good-tempered now, curled in a devastating sneer. She was looking at him as Claire in the old days, when they had toured England together in road-companies, had sometimes seen her look at recalcitrant landlady's. The landlady's without exception had wilted beneath that gaze, and Mr. Pickering wilted now. But, but, but, was all he could contrive to say. Why should we think you did it? said Lady Weatherby bitterly. You had a grudge against the poor brute for biting you. We find you hiding here with a pistol, and a story about burglars, which an infant couldn't swallow. I suppose you thought that if you planted the poor creature's body here, it would be up to algae to get rid of it, and that, if he were found with it, I should think that it was he who had killed the animal. The look of horror which Lord Weatherby managed to assume became genuine at these words. The gratitude which he had been feeling towards Mr. Pickering for having removed one of the chief trials of his existence vanished. Great Scott! he cried. So that was the game, was it? Mr. Pickering struggled for speech. This was a nightmare. But I didn't, I didn't, I didn't, I tell you. I hadn't the remotest notion the creature was there. Oh, come on, Pickering! said Lord Weatherby. Come, come, come! Mr. Pickering found that his accusers were ebbing away. Lady Weatherby had gone. Claire had gone. Only Lord Weatherby remained, looking at him like a pained groom. He dashed from the place and followed his hostess, speaking incoherently of burglar's outhouses and misunderstandings. He even mentioned Chinchagook. But Lady Weatherby would not listen. Nobody would listen. He found Lord Weatherby at his side, evidently prepared to go deeper into the subject. Lord Weatherby was looking now like a groom whose favourite horse has kicked him in the stomach. Wouldn't have thought it of you, Pickering? Said Lord Weatherby. Mr. Pickering found no words. Wouldn't honestly! Low trick! But I tell you, devilish low trick! Repeated Lord Weatherby with the shake of his head. Laws of hospitality. Eat now bread and salt. What? All that sort of thing. Kill valuable monkey! Not done, you know! Low! Very low! And he followed his wife, now in full retreat, with scorn and repulsion, written in her very walk. Mr. Pickering! It was Claire. She stood there, holding something towards him. Something that glittered in the moonlight. Her voice was hard. And the expression on her face suggested that, in her estimation, he was a particularly low-grade worm. One of the submerged tenths of the worm world. Eh? Said Mr. Pickering, daisily. He looked at what she had in her hand, but it conveyed nothing to his overwrought mind. Take it! Eh? Claire stamped. Very well, she said. She flung something on the ground before him, a small sparkling object. Then she swept away, his eyes following her, and was lost in the darkness of the trees. Mechanically, Mr. Pickering stooped to pick up what she had let fall. He recognised it now. It was her engagement ring. End of Chapter 18 of Uneasy Money by P. G. Woodhouse. Read by Tim Bulkley of BigBible.org.