 My name is Kelly Carpenter, and I am the Associate Director for the Center for Leadership Development at the North Texas Conference. It is great to see faces that I know and so many that I don't welcome to our session tonight. It has been my joy to meet these wonderful women of First McKinney. They are Stephen Ministry leaders and they will introduce themselves to you in just a moment. Stephen Ministry leaders from First McKinney, that's right, and then Reverend Ed Wilfay, a pastor also at First McKinney that will open us in a word of prayer in just a moment. I just want to do some housekeeping stuff first. This is probably your 10th Zoom call today, much less recently, but just some reminders. We have several panelists and so they'll be able to unmute themselves. I'm going to monitor the chat box and so somewhere on your device it says chat. If you have questions or comments along the way, put those in the chat room and I will reply as I can and then at the end, I'll feed any questions back to our panel that we have time for. We are going to share a mariel screen during this with the PowerPoint, and so that's going to change the view for you on your device. And so you'll have to navigate that somewhere there is a place for you to hit speaker view or grid view or choose who you want to see and when and to move that speaker view around so that you can see the slideshow so that part of what you want to see is on you. And if you have questions, you can also put those in the chat or chat just privately to me in the side box and I can help you navigate that. We are also recording this session so that it can go we can post it later for those that weren't able to sign on and you can share it with your fellow church members and friends and family that weren't able to be here that you would think would benefit from the content tonight so I am just thrilled. It has been on my heart since we entered quarantine to equip lady in a way that we find ourselves being Christian caregivers in the world in all of our lives and for me I just feel like especially as this goes on and as we engage in the world now and continuing on whether we're meeting virtually or in real gathered presence or both being the best Christian presence and caregiving in our families and our communities and our workplaces. In ways that some of us may not have ever been called to before and in ways that others of us just need to remember those good practices of self care and listening and so I just couldn't be more delighted for the wonderful presentation that our Stephen leaders have put together for us tonight. And so I will hand it off to them I'm going to ask them to introduce themselves first and then Reverend both is going to pray and then we'll launch in so Markey would you introduce. Sure. As Kelly said we're from first United Methodist Church in McKinney. I'm Markey Campbell. I've been a Stephen minister for five years and a Stephen leader for four and I've been privileged to have multiple caregivers over that period of time. I'm Lynn alfers and I've been a Stephen minister at first McKinney for seven years and a Stephen leader for six years. And I'm Patty Sanders. I've been a Stephen minister at first United Methodist Church since 2004 so 16 years and I've been as a leader since 2012 so about eight years then. And I'm Janine boss. I have been a Stephen minister for seven years and a Stephen leader for four. I'm also a clinic practicing clinical social worker. My name is Ed Wolfie. I am a director of pastoral care at fmc McKinney. I'm glad to work with these beautiful people. Don't understand my accent here just as God for a revelation that'll help. Just kidding. Thanks for joining us this evening so good to see your faces our hope today is amongst others is that you will have at least one thing something to take away from this conversation something that you can something practical you can use when needed. Remember John Wesley's rule of life do no harm do no good do good and start over do do no harm. Good good and stay in love with. And above all God is with us. Remember you have the most beautiful message to share, even in your silence. I'm looking forward to sharing this time with you today. This conversation God bless. Let us bar heads in prayer, precious God we come together to hear your voice to make ourselves available to learn to be touched by your Holy Spirit to be transformed and to become more and more your feet and hand to those who are in need. We're ready for you God. In Jesus name we pray. I think we're ready to get started. So good evening. We are happy to be here as we said. So tonight as we begin a discussion around the tools for listening and being present with your colleagues and family and friends during what's turned into a very stressful time tools for when anxiety and grief overwhelmed those around us. I think it's important for us to take a moment and to pause and think about our current situation. The one that we're experiencing all of us are experiencing in this very unusual time. In the course of a few weeks we all went from active vigorous lives to being sheltered at home with our family. While that on the surface that sounds like it might be a wonderful break from normal routines and stresses. We know that what it actually meant was a stress were stresses of a different kind. No school for children, financial struggles, increased struggle for those with mental illness, grief for the life that we are losing anxiety over what's happened in the future fear that we are going to get ill or a family member is going to be ill fear about the economy. And the question the root question, it buried in all that is what is the new normal, and even more urgent, when do we get there. A new research published in the Lancet reveals that researchers found that the most common psychological problems related to quarantine included depression stress, low mood irritability, insomnia, anger, emotional exhaustion. And that very quarantine caused much more stress than voluntary quarantine. So what we're saying is if someone chooses to isolate themselves chooses to quarantine themselves. It's much less stressful than if it's imposed upon you. I explained the study in Canada examined the psychological effects of quarantine during the SARS outbreak in 2013, and the median duration of that quarantine was only 10 days, and they found a high prevalence of psychological distress. In fact, 29% of the participants reported symptoms of post traumatic stress, 31% reported incidences of extreme depression. Participants in the study described a sense of isolation, and were particularly affected by the lack of social and physical physical contact with their families. Frank McAndrew, an evolutionary psychologist at Knox College in Illinois, really explains the the enforced quarantine statement, and why it's particularly distressing. And I quote being quarantine gives one a sense of being at the mercy of other people and other uncontrollable forces, such as an epidemic. This leads to helplessness and uncertainty about the future which is very unsettling. So really what these two studies and this quote illustrates is that what we're seeing manifested in ourselves and our neighbors and our family and our friends is not unusual. And it's not unique. It but it's very real to all of us. Right now we're entering still another new phase. And that's the question on when do we reintegrate decide society. How do we wait. How limited do we make ourselves to with in contact with other people. Do we trust that things have improved and begin our lives fully. Well our children go back to school in the fall or our kids back to college. If they do should I let them. What are the alternatives. Do I have to go back to the office. Should I, and what do I do about safe childcare. Should my family be tested for antibodies are the virus, our medical facilities say I could go on for an hour on all the questions that are rolling around your family for discussion. There are multiple decisions that individuals and families must make, and most of them carry implied judgment from others. Some people are going back to work. Some are going out to eat. While others may feel that's irresponsible. Some will wear mask everywhere. Others think that's totally unnecessary. Some will rush to beauty shops or nail salons. Some say that I wish and others feel that that's dangerous. We each have a different approach. We each have a different view. We have different feelings but that's okay. What we need to remember is to respect that in one another to listen to their struggle with making these decisions and be compassionate about those decisions. I will be able to give you some tools that will help your own coping with these decisions, but also your ability to comfort others who may exhibit these emotions to you. Lynn's going to talk to you now about caring for yourself first. And next slide. Mariel. Thank you. I know we have taken on extra roles and spend more time with families at home, but we do know that we can't do our best at taking care of others if we don't take care of ourselves. Next slide. I try to carve out a special time to pray each day. We've all heard that so many times, but in this especially stressful scenario, making prayer a part of your schedule will help make sure you spend time with God. Prayer takes many forms. Examine is reflecting on scripture. Centering prayer pulls us inward to focus on God. Listening prayer. Oh yeah that listening. We want to do something, but some quiet time can open ourselves to what God has to tell us. Intercessory prayer focuses on others needs. And then there's dumping prayer. I'm pretty sure that is not a theological term, but perhaps in this time, just telling God exactly how you feel can be liberating. You know God can handle it. Next slide please. There are so many wonderful scripture passages that it's impossible to list them all. God spoke through Isaiah saying fear not for I am with you. Do not be dismayed for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you. I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. Daniel 1019 tells us don't be afraid for you are deeply loved by God. Be at peace. Take heart and be strong. And Paul wrote to the Christians in Philippi, rejoice in the Lord always. Again I say rejoice. Let your gentleness be evident to all. God is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and petition with Thanksgiving, present your request to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. I do have a much longer list and Kelly has it available for anyone who'd like to have it, and it's on the slide at the end of this presentation. And maybe others will have lists that they would like to share as well. Next slide please. We all have our favorite authors and that list too can be extensive. Max Lucato and Renee Brown, for example. I'd like to introduce someone you may not be familiar with. Amanda Gorman, the United States inaugural youth poet laureate. She has written a beautiful poem about being strong in the face of this current pandemic. The miracle of morning. Simply put her name in the YouTube search bar, or use the link on this slide and she will gift you with her stirring message. Next slide please. Once again, an exhaustive list is possible. But let's start with breathe. We know that taking a few slow deep breaths can calm our nerves and help to center us. It's just that since breathing is automatic, we forget that we can control it. Meditation goes beyond this and can connect us with God's peace. Some people love journaling in general, but keeping a gratitude journal each day can help us remember just how fortunate we are. Some like to write at night, but that doesn't work for me. I like to make my entries in the morning as part of my regular prayer time. As I reflect on the wonderful ways God has worked in my life the day before. Connect with friends you haven't seen in a long time, or connect with friends you used to see on a regular basis, but haven't been able to since we've been sheltering in place. You've heard it before, but being at home doesn't mean you have to be alone. We may be keeping our distance, but we are in this together. Don't be hard on yourself. Talk with a trusted friend. And actually get physical. Go for a walk or run or a bike ride. Dance. Do yoga with someone online. When I had a yoga class I never missed, but now I have to come all the way into this office and I have yet to do it consistently. Be silly. Tell corny jokes. Laugh. It's been proven to have positive effects on your body. I'd like to end this portion with a scripture edited ever so slightly that will lead into the next section led by Patty Sanders. In Ephesians 320 Paul tells the Christians in this historic church, and now all glory to God, who is able by his mighty power at work within and through us to accomplish infinitely more than we are able to ask or imagine. Thank you, then. So as you can see, I'm going to be talking about this tool that caregivers compass. It's a Steven ministry tool that we use in our caregiving care receiving relationships, but actually to guide us through our relationships. I actually use this all the time when I'm dealing with family. I say dealing I mean, in relationship with family, or my friends out here in the community where I live. I just use this all the time it's a it's a good guy. And I think in specifically in this time of pandemic where we're all, you know, close together at home we're, we're zoom meeting all the time with friends and, and colleagues we, we have a sense of confusion what's going on like Markey said there's all kinds of feelings that. This can guide us through this this time that we are going through. So let's drill down on this caregivers compass. Oh, and one other thing I probably will use the lingo that we always use and Steven ministry the caregiver and care receiver but but we know for what we're talking about tonight. We're talking about whenever you reach out to somebody and in a compassionate way and you're just offering to listen to them or, or just speak with them just be present with them that that you are doing this caregiving that we're talking about. So let's caregivers compass the center. If you'll notice there are Greek symbols. The X is Kai and the P is row. It's Cairo Christos Jesus Christ. Jesus is the center of all of our caring relationships. He is our director and he is our guide. And one thing that we like to do before we even help anybody it's a good thing to do is to pray pray to Jesus doesn't have to be a long prayer can be just a little arrow prayer. Jesus help me you go in first you be the leader. And that helps us in in being guided through this helping mode that we're doing this relationship. It's also very freeing to know that Christ is in the center of this helping this relationship, because he does the healing he does the curing. He does the fixing we are not in charge of that. All we have to do is be there to show care. That's all God's going to do the rest. So let's look at the points of our compass here. If you look at the very top, the, the characteristic we've got there is compassionate. To be compassionate is to feel what others are feeling and to even be willing to suffer with with what they are hurting. I think the big point in being compassionate to me is not only are you able to feel someone else's pain, but you're willing to feel someone else's pain also. So some words that that we use to describe compassionate would be empathetic, loving kind. And there's a whole lot of other descriptive terms that you can use and if you might find some others that help you remember this is something that in my caregiving relationship, my helping relationship that I can use. We're going clockwise on the perimeter of our compass now. The next one is full of faith. The next point is full of faith. So to be full of faith means that we believe in Jesus and we believe in a relationship with Jesus Christ. But to have a relationship with Jesus Christ we need to pray. We need to read the Bible. We need to study. And as Lynn gave us so many beautiful ways that we can use these these tools out there that we can become full of faith. We share those those activities with the people we're helping when we feel like that they're ready. A lot of times we always pray for them, but a lot of times in our listening to them. We might at the end say, I would just ask them, I'd like to pray for us. Is that okay with you. And they'll be very honest and they'll tell you. Yes, I would love to have that or no, I just I just don't feel comfortable with that. So, you know, you let God lead you into that he'll guide you. So the next point of being this compassionate caregiver is a skilled and the tools that we are providing are showing you tonight are going to be listening skills being compassionate, reflecting and Janine's going to be giving you a whole lot other skills on these skills when Harris comes along. The last point on our compass then is being trustworthy to be trustworthy. We need to be reliable. We need to do the promises make sure that the promises we give are kept. So in the another component of that though is we need to be totally confidential with anything that someone is sharing with us we need to be keep it to ourselves and we definitely need to be confidential about the identity of this person that is bearing their soul and and just needing some comfort. We need to be confidential to all these things. I'm going to give you just an example of what's kind of going on right now and maybe you've already witnessed this maybe this has been a part of something you've already done. But let's say that you're on a zoom meeting with work and you see one of your colleagues that it's really not acting the way they normally do or they're not talking the same way that they normally do. And you are concerned about it. So at the end of the zoom meeting you you text to them and you say I was concerned about you didn't seem like you're you were quite the same as normal today and on our zoom meeting. Just wondered how you're doing and they respond with no not doing so well. You my wife and I and I'm going to use a him here. Not. I can use he or she but for right now I'm using him. My wife and I have been having problems all along in this this quarantine has just exasperated the exasperated baited the whole situation. I'm sad. I'm I'm confused and and to tell you the truth. I'm a little bit depressed and I'd love to talk to you about it if you have the time. Maybe you don't have the time right then. Maybe you are needing to finish up the work that you're doing. And then you need to put your your children to bed. And so you respond. Yes. I'm glad to meet with you. Let's FaceTime at nine o'clock tonight and that way we can be more private and we can make sure that everything that you say is totally confidential. Then before you go into this this FaceTime meeting you pray. And then you go you call this person and they share with you everything that's going on and at the end we hope that you can have the availability to pray with that person. And then he might say well I would I would really I really got a lot out of this and I know that you're going to keep this confidential if you could meet me with me again. I would really appreciate it. And so y'all schedule another time and and you this whole thing repeats itself. You you pray before the meeting you go in and you listen to these people use the tools that we're we're showing you tonight. And and in this person becomes more trusting more confident that that they know that they can trust you feel more at ease more more at peace. But the main thing here is just to remember that God's in control of all of this. He's the fixer. He's going to he's going to heal. He's going to do all of this. This journey that you're on using this caregiver's compass is a great thing to do anytime that you can. But specifically during this time. And now Jeanine boss is going to go into more detail about the tools that we use. Thank you Patty. Those characteristics of a student ministry caregiver that you've showed and shared with us describe a great set of skills that would benefit all of us to possess particularly at this time in our lives. And a smartly shared with us we are in a particularly stressful period where emotions are strong and running high. We see that on the news. We read about that on social media. And you've probably observed that in your interactions with your friends and family. In thinking about people's emotions and a good way to visualize them. I use an example of a water bucket as a metaphor for our capacity to manage our feelings. In what we think of now as normal times or life as we knew it. We had this bucket with a valve system. The emotions that we're not able to process and deal with in the moment are deposited our holding bucket. At the bottom is this release valve that we knew when we could open it and release those pent up emotions in a safe and measured way. And with the help of our family and friends. But now people are facing challenges that may have exceeded their available resources. And their previous support system may not be readily available anymore so that more deposits are being made in those buckets. It's really important that we're available to help with the release valves when and where we can. I attended virtual church this Sunday and Pastor Tommy was talking about the fruits of the spirit and this week was patients. And he said something that I thought really hit the mark for what we're going to talk about tonight and not quote him. He said everybody you know is walking around with a burden so be patient and listen. And I think that's really relevant to us right now. And what that means is us being available to listen and be present with our colleague and our family and our friends. And you know what that's not always comfortable. Well, I think we all have a basic desire to be there for the people in our lives. You know what we don't always know what to do with the information that shared. And sometimes what shared is personal and it's painful. And it makes us uncomfortable with our own emotions. It may feel like you have a hot potato being cast into your lap and you're having to figure out in that moment how to handle it with grace and confidence. We really want to be able to respond in a way that's being perceived as open and genuine and carryingly helpful. And that really is just being there. It's making connections with the people you care about. It's like our site says connections. That's what we're doing when we're responding to people in our lives. And the goal is to do that with empathy and compassion. So when Lynn mentioned favorite authors early or grenade round was on her list. And I have for several years followed her work. If you don't know who she is. She's a social worker. She's a researcher. She's a professor at the University of Houston and as of late has become a professor at the University of Texas in Austin as well. She spent her career researching vulnerability, shame and empathy. She's presented several TED Talks. I love them. And she currently has a podcast series that I follow. It's called Unlocking Us. Check it out. One of her TED Talks came this animated clip that we're going to watch that describes empathy. And it talks about the difference between it and sympathy. So let's watch that now, Mario. So what is empathy? And why is it very different than sympathy? Empathy fuels connection. Sympathy drives disconnection. Empathy, it's very interesting. Teresa Wiseman is a nursing scholar who studied professions, very diverse professions where empathy is relevant and came up with four qualities of empathy. Perspective taking. The ability to take the perspective of another person or recognize their perspective as their truth. Staying out of judgment. Not easy when you enjoy it as much as most of us do. Recognizing emotion in other people and then communicating that. Empathy is feeling with people. And to me, I always think of empathy as this kind of sacred space where someone's kind of in a deep hole and they shout out from the bottom and they say, I'm stuck, it's dark, I'm overwhelmed. And then we look and we say, hey, calm down. I know what it's like down here and you're not alone. Sympathy is, ooh, it's bad, uh-huh. You want a sandwich? Empathy is a choice and it's a vulnerable choice because in order to connect with you, I have to connect with something in myself that knows that feeling. Rarely, if ever, does an empathic response begin with at least. And we do it all the time because you know what? Someone just shared something with us that's incredibly painful and we're trying to silver lining it. I don't think that's a verb, but I'm using it as one. We're trying to put the silver lining around it. So I had a miscarriage. At least you know you can get pregnant. I think my marriage is falling apart. At least you have a marriage. John's getting kicked out of school. At least Sarah is an A student. But one of the things we do sometimes in the face of very difficult conversations is we try to make things better. If I share something with you that's very difficult, I'd rather you say, I don't even know what to say right now, I'm just so glad you told me. Because the truth is rarely can a response make something better. What makes something better is connection. I find that to be so powerful and I hope you did as well. So in that clip, Renee shared four components or constructs to empathy and those were perspective taking, staying out of judgment, recognizing emotion in other people, and communicating emotion back. So we're going to look at those as we go through with you the skills that are shared with Steven ministers in training. And it's our hope that you will walk away feeling more comfortable in your times of being a compassionate, caring and empathic listener. First, a couple of thoughts though, you know, it brought up a good point as we were preparing this information. And that is to make sure that you have the time to be available when your friend, your family or your colleague would like to share with you. We all think that we can multitask and do it well, but the research says that's not the case. This would not be the trying to try and prove the research wrong. So it's really very disheartening to be sharing from your heart and feel that someone isn't giving their full attention or as Brené would say, to be vulnerable and not have someone give their full attention. So be sure to convey to them when you're going to have time, let them know when you're going to be available to be with them and focus totally on them. And to piggyback on Lynn's information about taking care of yourself. It's important that you are reflective and make sure that you've managed your own emotional bucket. Know that you will be adding emotional content, taking some of the emotional burden from your friend and family member and that you need to have the reserves to take that on. And lastly, know that this list that I'm going to share with you is not a linear listening to do list. It's the embodiment of skills that encompass compassionate empathic listening. Those all happen simultaneously as you sit and, as I say, be with someone. So on the side, our first component is our listening stance. So what we want to convey is a sense that we are fully present and focused and I would say convey but I mean really we want to be fully present and focused. So the goal is to avoid distractions absolutely as much as you can. I know maybe some of you two are working from home and you've got children around all day and it really makes it a challenge to avoid distractions. But you know what, we're just going to do our best. And when I say that I mean silence your phone that is such a distraction. Silence your phone we can wait for whatever is going on on our phone till later and really avoid checking your watch and unless you've set a firm time frame for when you have to finish we should really avoid checking the time and watch that kind of says to people that you know what we were kind of got a time cruncher we got other things to get to. So unless you've said a specified time just let's not do that. So in this if you happen to be in the same location or in a virtual meeting space that you've agreed to meet with someone be cognizant of your body language. Have an open stance that means I'm crossed those arms and crossed those legs and gently lean in make good eye contact without you know staring a hole through them. So I contact in our culture means that we're paying attention and we're with somebody, and then the last one is be aware of your facial expressions what does it look like to be a compassionate understanding person. This has really come home to roost with me as I operate now out of my dining room and I do everything on zoom. So when I'm on zoom, I can see myself. And I know about me that when I am trying to process information or I'm trying to think of you know where to go next in a session or what I'm supposed to do. My face has a pensive look on it and in zoom has shown me that I really need to relax my face and put a little smile on it and not be so pensive so just be aware of which face looks like and I just have to tell myself fix your face to me. So and lastly, I find it helpful as you're listening to someone I offer small verbals as we go along, just to let them know that I am engaged with them I often simply say something like. Hmm, or oh wow, or just a small acknowledgement that I can if they can understand that I am still with them. So the next one on our slide is staying out of judgment and avoiding problem solving. So when I work with kids I teach the seven stinky thinking errors and perfectionistic thinking is one of those and the error includes terms like should have could have and would have. So when we use those kinds of words it's implying judgment of the issue and we really want to avoid going down that road and putting ourselves in a place that would unintentionally cause our loved one or a friend to feel more pain than they already do. That's really a slippery slope and it leads to a dark hole and it's really not somewhere we want to try and climb out of and resolve that issue so we just really want to avoid that. And remember that's what's being shared with you is that person's perspective of their experience and we need to honor that and accept that. Our focus is going to best serve us and our friend or a family member. If we stay relational and feeling with someone. It's best to relax. Keep your focus on processing the information your friend or family member is sharing and seek to relate to it. When I talk about processing that information we're going to talk about that a little later because it's really important. And that last one is problem solving is another slippery slope. Nobody likes to see the people that they care about in distress. It can cause uncomfortable emotions in us. And our first instinct may be to want to fix it for them. We want to be helpful we want to do something as well what we do is help other people. But that's rarely what our family friends and our family are looking for. They're wanting you just to listen allow them to unpack some emotions from their full bucket. I find people to be strong and have a resilience that perhaps they don't even know they possess. More likely than not a person is going to and needs to figure out what works best for them and move through their particular situation to find resolution in their own time and in their own way. You know even if somebody says to you what would you do in this situation resist that temptation to go down that road. I find it best practice to reframe that and say something like hmm that's a toughie. What do you think are some options to consider. What that conveys to that person is that you believe that they are resourceful and that they know what's best for them. If someone tells me they don't know what some solutions are for their situation. I can often get some additional thoughts if I say something like what would you tell a friend to do in this situation. Or if they continue to say to me I don't know then what I say to them is if you did know what would you tell me. You know what you'd be amazed that people really do know it's just giving them the opportunity to process through it and think about it. So if you get in a situation like that hopefully some of these strategies will work for you to. Next slide Mary. Okay so reflecting thoughts and feelings. This is where the other three components or constructs of empathy that Renee talked about in the video clip are enacted. So just a reminder those were perspective taking recognize the emotions and other people and communicating emotion back. So you know when we're listening to someone share their thoughts and feelings. We too are processing that information and we're processing it through our stored memories and our stored experiences and we're really seeking to make a connection that helps us to relate to it. So if we're able to make a relatable connection that gives us the ability to communicate our understanding of the issue and we can express that probable emotions in the underlying issue. We can move from making observations that are more surface oriented like wow that's hard to really connecting the situation to expressed emotions in an observational statement maybe something like this. So thanks for sharing all of that with me. It sounds like you're working virtually from home and trying hard to live up to your boss's expectations. You also have the kids at home and you're keeping up with school expectations as well as keeping them entertained and taking care of the daily chores. This seems like it's left you feeling exhausted overwhelmed and maybe even alone. So that statement conveys that you've taken their perspective of the situation. You've recognized their emotions that they're dealing with and you're communicating this back in order to make sure that you understand what they're trying to share with you. If you've captured the essence of their circumstances they're going to feel relieved and that they know that you've heard the pain that they're in and they you've connected emotionally and empathically. If your reflection didn't quite hit the mark know that they're going to that they know that you're listening intently and that they're more likely now to provide you with what we call a writing response. And that's going to help you with clarifying the situation for them and that brings us to the next topic. So clarifying and asking open ended questions. You know I find that when people are in an emotionally elevated place with their emotional buckets overflowing, it can be really challenging for them to share information in a well organized manner. A sequence of events may not come across in a linear and well crafted manner. And if that's the case, it can be really helpful to use clarifying questions in order to gain a further understanding or to help your friend or family member collect and organize their thoughts. And it's really also helpful to ask open ended questions to help clarify a situation or to assist your friend in the looking deeper into their situation. And so remember when you ask open ended questions, it's best to avoid utilizing the word why as the open for the question. This can convey a sense of judgment and puts that person sharing on the defensive. It's really best to begin your questions with the word what in order to bring clarity to the conversation. So for example, you could say what happened next, or what did you think about that, or what were you feeling about that in that situation. So remember to ask those open ended questions, those that can't be answered with a yes or no and asking clarified questions in order to get a sense of the order that things happened in or to go deeper in a conversation. So the last one on our screen here is to summarize. These kinds of conversations that you're going to have often have a natural rhythm to them with the beginning and ascending rise with the telling of emotional information and then the dissent when thoughts and emotions have been relayed and expanded. This is the time as you're winding down your conversation to summarize with a supportive statement that conveys that you grasp the emotional content of their circumstances, and it might sound something like this. Sadly, it's been a really difficult week for you and you have shown a lot of strength and patience to get through it. So depending on the relationship and the situations, this would be a great time for you to offer some scripture. This has given you some great ones to go to offer to pray with them. Patty talked about that and see if it would be okay to add them to the church prayer list or refer them to the pastor or any other number of supportive gestures that you've got at your disposal. This is the time to offer those up. So you're not trying to fix anything for them, but you're adding another layer of support. The last thing I want to share is the subject of feelings. So Mary on the next slide. So feelings are really the heart of the matter here. So often we're running so fast that we haven't slowed down to process what's really going on inside of us. We're busy. And lots of times we just don't take the time to sort of sit in the moment and figure out what's going on with us. So we lots of times stuff those feelings and and we'll think about it later, or, you know, tomorrow. So stuffing our feelings isn't healthy, and it doesn't make them go away. They're not going to go away. They're going to come back up. They're going to rise to the surface and probably at the most inopportune time when you're stressed. The next slide says we have to name them to claim them in order to tame them. So we have to experience the feelings we have to go through the experience in order to heal, you know, we can't go around it can't go about it, we can't go below it. We have to go through it. I would say that the crux of our current situation really like Markey talked about earlier centers on loss. So let's think about it, we've really experienced so many, like the loss of our daily routines, the loss of healthy social connections, the loss of income, and the ability to provide for our family. You know, some people food security we see those long lines you know at the food bank and when the food bank comes to the schools there are long lines. I mean, honestly, who knew the toilet paper would be a thing and that we really have to spend some time hunting that one down. It's the loss of rituals birthdays today's my grandson's third birthday and I'm not able to be with him. It's the loss of our anniversaries rights of passage know those celebrations from these graduations. And it's not the kids that just the kids that are feeling those losses, but their parents their grandparents as well. Now we've anticipated these moments and we look forward to it. And we think that certain things are going to happen and they're not and it really is a loss of people's anticipatory celebrations. And that sets off in us a grief response. And I think that we're seeing a great amount of what we would term as denial and anger, and even recently instances of bargaining taking place. And I think for us when we're working with people it's going to be better for us if we can frame the behaviors that we're seeing in people through our understanding of the grief response. And that equip us to respond with more compassion and empathy, if we can recognize the strong emotional reactions in that light, and I've listed the grief response. Here on the on the slide and again, those are not linear. There's denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. I like to think of those more in a figure eight pattern. There's not a definite starting and beginning and ending place. And we cycle back through, we may not have get to accept us before we've gone through denial anger depression or bargaining over and over again, and then even in our life as anniversaries or reminders come up, we're still going to be in that figure eight, even though we might have gone to acceptance, we're still going to pass through and revisit that grief response. So, I want to say to you, go make connections, grasp that hot potato, and be a compassionate and empathic listener for your family, your friends and colleagues. The next slide is a listing of some of the common feelings, and they're categorized in six headings and those headings are happy, sad, mad, scared, discussed, and surprised. Under each of those headings, you're going to see a variety of words that bring clarity to specific emotional responses that someone's experiencing. It can be really helpful for us to kind of go through lots of feelings towards and build our emotional vocabulary, not just for our listening skills, but also for deepening our ability to express our emotions as well. This is simply a small sampling of descriptive words, as many as I could fit on this page, and there are great many resources on the web. So you can go out and hunt those down and look for those. So next slide, Maria. When I teach emotions, I like to use emotion wheels. So this is just another visual that helps familiarize yourself with the vast array of emotions that we have. So this one on the left is what's called a Pluchik's Emotions wheel. You can find those on the web. And the second one is a wheel that I use a lot, and it's from a site called Due to Learn. I use this with the kids. There are links to these websites on the resource page that we're going to get to. And the reason for the wheel, the concept of having this emotional wheel is really to depict the relationship of the categories with each other, as well as the intensity of emotions. And on the outside of the wheel, you're going to see less intense emotions, and as they move towards the core of the circle are the more intense emotions. So again, this is just another resource for you to increase your emotional IQ. Next slide, please. So Lynn talked about putting together these scriptural words of comfort. So this is where you can find that. She's started in songs, moved into proverbs, then through the prophets, and then into the New Testament with John and Paul and Peter. So go ahead and read those and see what you're comfortable with, what speaks to you, and maybe, you know, what will be appropriate for your listening stances. So next slide. This is resources that we put together. The first one is the Stephen Ministry site out of, they are out of St. Louis, and you can find more information on what is Stephen Ministry, how do I become a Stephen Minister, how do I do this in my church if you're interested. I think it'll have a lot of good information for you. The next is the books. These are all books that we use in Stephen Ministry training. They're all written by Kenneth Hawke and he is the founder of Stephen Ministry. And then under feelings are the links to those blue checks wheel and the other emotions wheel. There are a plethora of those on the internet, you can find them but these are just some examples that you can use. The last slide please. And these are some community resources that Kelly has identified here. So this is the North Texas communities resources, the North Texas conference COVID-19 resources, and then she has identified here for you the Center for Integrative Counseling and Psychology and you can look that up and see if there's something on there that would be helpful for you. So we really appreciate you joining us tonight and giving us an opportunity to share with you some of the strategies that we use in Stephen Ministry and again in my practice and so I'm going to turn it back over to Kelly. Thank you so much Janine and thank you to everyone, all of our wonderful presenters tonight. I just, on behalf of all those on this call and everyone that will watch the recording want to give you thanks for all the preparation you did in this. Just a reminder and I've been putting it in the chat we are going to upload the recording for this and it'll have the PDF of the scriptures and a PDF of the slides so that you can actually get to all of these links that we referenced. It is my hope that tonight was both a bunch of helpful reminders and drinking from a fire hose. There are some of these things that could be and are in Stephen Ministry or other congregational caregiving and counseling training into higher sessions and courses and weeks right, a degree and feeling someone out there probably has. And also, we all have these gifts and these graces to offer to our communities, our colleagues, our families and so I hope that you found helpful resources tonight. I want to honor that we're coming to the end of an hour and let everyone go back to their families. If you have additional questions, you can find my contact information on ntcumc.org and I'll throw it in the chat here as well. I'm happy to help you connect to resources or to any of the presenters tonight. I can't type and talk at the same time. Please reach out to us and we would be happy to make connections, connect you to a Stephen Ministry if you don't have one in your church. And also want to give a shout out to the clergy that aren't here are those that pastor your churches lend them a hand if they haven't already tapped them on the shoulder, and you'd be willing to be a part of a congregational care team and your church. Reach out to your pastors and let them know that you are here. You support them and you are grateful for them and you are just one of many ways in which we are the church together and that pastoral care and congregational care happens through all time and especially now. So thank you to you all for sharing your evening with us. Thank you to the presenters. You are all a blessing. Be blessed to be a blessing as you go forth into your worlds. Thank you.