 The Grape Nuts Flakes Program coming to you from the Marine base at Camp Pendleton, California, and starring Jack Benny with Mary Livingston, Phil Harris, Dennis Day, Rochester, and yours truly, Don Wilson. Ever notice how your grocer smiles as he hands you a big 12-ounce economy-sized package of delicious, posty-brown Grape Nuts Flakes? That's because grand-tasting nourishing Grape Nuts Flakes are not rationed. You can have all you want. And then you feel pleased as you carry your Grape Nuts Flakes home. Thinking of all the marvelous whole grain nourishment your folks will get in each crisp, tempting bowl full. The same way your husband will feel when he samples the amazing goodness of Grape Nuts Flakes. A sweet as a nut, moldy richness that's wide awake, lip-smacking swell. Yes, Grape Nuts Flakes bring you more smiles for mouthful, so for a round of smiles at your home tomorrow, make it Grape Nuts Flakes all around the table by the orchestra. And now, ladies and gentlemen, from the Marine base at Camp Pendleton, California, we bring you our two-fisted master of ceremonies. Well, a man who has been known to chin himself ten times before he could pull down the handle on a slot machine, Jack Benny. Wow. Thank you, thank you, thank you. Hello again, this is Jack Benny who never played a slot machine in his life talking. And Don, Don, I may be a little flabby now, but when I was the age of these boys in our audience, I was as tough and physically fit as any one of them. When I was 17 years old, I worked a whole summer at a lumber camp in the Northwood. A lumber camp in the Northwoods? Were you a lumberjack jerk? What? I said were you a lumberjack jerk? A lumberjack jerk? Well, I can't say were you a lumberjack jack, it doesn't sound right. All right, then why don't you say was I a lumberjerk jack? But jerk, there's no such thing as a lumberjerk. Look, Don, let's start over. When I was 17 years old, I worked in a lumber camp in the Northwoods. Were you a lumberjack, John? John, that's better. No, no, that's better. No, no, no, Don, I wasn't. Well, were you a stripper, a man who hues the bark from the mighty monarchs of the forest? No, no, no, I wasn't, Don. Well, did you ride the logs down the river and break up jams by sheer brute strength? No, no, no, I didn't, Don. No, no. Well, what was your job in the camp? I used to go around with a needle and remove slivers from the lumberjack's finger. Well, at the end of the day, at the end of the day, I'd be exhausted, you know? Exhausted from removing slivers? Well, that wasn't the only job I had, Don. I was also a BBR. What's that? A baby bird remover. You see, you see, before any tree could be cut down, I had to climb up in the branches and remove all the little baby birds from the nest. Oh, I see. Then you'd climb back down the tree with the birds in your arms. No, no, I didn't carry them in my arms. You see, Don, just as I got up to the nest, I'd whistle like a mother robin and all the little birds would jump into the can of worms which I had tied on top of my head. I'll never forget the day I was attacked by an infuriated woodpecker. A woodpecker? Was she mad? I think so. She tapped out, I hate you, in Morse code on the back of my neck. And they have sharp beaks. Oh, hello, Mary. Hi, Jack, Don. What are you shooting the breeze about? Shooting the breeze. Well, Mary, I see you're using some marine slang. Where'd you pick it up? Well, I met a couple of liberty hounds who were on the beach at Oceanside. At Oceanside last night, we all went to a restaurant for a cup of Joe with sidearms. Oh, I get it. You met a couple of marines on leave and had coffee with them. You know, that lingo is nothing new to me. I used to talk like that when I was a marine during the First World War. Oh, pardon me, Jack, but weren't you a sailor during the World War? Oh, oh, yes, yes. He was a marine during the Spanish-American War. Mary, Mary, it so happens that during the Spanish-American War, I was just a bashful kid hiding behind my mother's apron. But they came and got you and in you went. That you're making up, you know. Well, while we're on the subject of marines, Mary, let me tell you something. If I wasn't two years over the age limit, I'd join tomorrow. Of course, seven weeks in boot camp might be a little tough on me. Seven weeks? Yeah. Seven minutes in boot camp and you'd die with your bosons. Oh, I could stand it. Say, any man who has spent as much time as I have in the lumber camps in the north woods has got to be tough. Oh, go sit in a bird's nest. I didn't sit in a bird's nest. I rescued the egg. Well, if it isn't the knucklehead kid. Hello, Dennis. Hello, Mr. Benny. What's all the chin music about? Chin music? Where'd you get hold of that marine lingo, Dennis? I know all of it. You do? Yeah, get this. Last night I bumped into a couple of Liberty hounds on the beach at Oceanside and we bought a bottle of red lead and got cockeyed. Dennis, Dennis, red lead happens to be ketchup. Now, how could you get cockeyed on ketchup? I'm about the only guy I know that can do it. Hmm. Oh, boy, what an imagination. I get a bang out of mustard, too, but it's habit-forming. But it's what, Dennis? It's habit-forming. Oh, oh. Well, Dennis, before you go on another binge, how about singing a song for the boys? Okay, but I didn't get a chance to rehearse this morning. The orchestra didn't show up. Oh, so the orchestra didn't show up. Where's that Phil Harris? Oh, Phil, were you calling me your DI headache? That I don't see here at all. Yes, come on over here, Phil. Come on. Phil, Dennis tells me that you and your orchestra boy didn't show up for rehearsal this morning. Is that right? Yes, sir. Like Paul Revere said at Bunker Hill, I cannot tell a lie. Phil, Paul Revere didn't say that. It was George Washington. Well, you used to knock around with them guys. I got to read about them. Now, look, don't evade the issue. Why didn't you and your boy show up for rehearsal this morning? We didn't hear the bugle. Now, cut that out! I want the truth. Well, it's like this, Jackson. Me and the boys went down to Tijuana last night on a goodwill mission. I see. Continue. Well, it was pretty hot down there, and some of the boys got thirsty. So I said, well, let's go in this drugstore here and get a tall, refreshing glass of water. Uh-huh. So I speak a little Spanish myself. You know, so I said to the guy, give us all a glass of tequila. That's water, you know, Bonocle. Water, Phil, for your information, tequila is an intoxicating beverage. Well, bless my soul. Now, Phil, what happened after you drank that tequila? Well, let's see. You know, it's hard to patch this stuff together, Jackson. Concentrate. Concentrate. What happened? Well, now let me see. Now, after we left the drugstore, the Mexican dame to her home, and I sang some songs under her balcony. Well, did you ever get smacked right in a kisser with a tamale? No, but so much for romance south of the border. Well, let's have your song, Dennis. Oh, by the way, kid, I saw that, Dennis, I saw that movie you just made, Powers Girl, and you were swell. I watched you all through the picture. Thank you. Well, that's Benny for you. A picture full of beautiful models, and he can't take his eyes off the tenor. Quiet. Go ahead and sing, Dennis. I'm never gonna get a girl in Ain't I never gonna get a bundle of charm Comes at all I'll be gone I just gotta have a honey holding me tight You can keep your knitting and your furlin' If I'm gonna go to Berlin Give me a girl in my Ain't I never gonna get a girl in my arms In my arms Ain't I never gonna get a bundle of charm Come on, I'll be gone And I thank you for the many letters you As for something nice and cute and female I'll never find her in the female Give me a girl in my arms Comes at all Thank you very kindly But you can keep your lucky penny Give me a girl in my arms Well, by Dennis Day and very good Dennis, I'm sure all the Marines here enjoyed it very much. And now, ladies and gentlemen... Well, by the way, Jack, as long as we're here at Camp Pendleton, I'd like to tell you about a young man who wanted to join the Marines. Is it a true story, Don? I mean, uh, is it believable? Oh, oh yes, it happened to a friend of mine. Homer, be believable. Oh. Oh, I mean, hmm. I say, well, tell us the story, Don. Well, Mr. Leavable was a young man 17 years of age who wanted to join the Marines. Oh. So one morning, Homer went to a Marine recruiting station and to his dismay found that he was 12 ounces underweight. So he was rejected. 12 ounces underweight? Too bad. However, Homer was undaunted. He went home, rushed into the kitchen, and ate a whole 12-ounce economy-size package of toasty brown sweet as a nut. Paper and all? No, no, I put him in a bowl. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. Oh, I mean, hmm. Go ahead. Well, that very same day, he went back to the recruiting office and the doctor said, congratulations, young man, you've made the weight. And he got in the Marines? No, the added weight gave him flat feet. Well, that was tough luck. Very good, Don. And now, ladies and gentlemen, say, Mary, do you think that was a true story? Sure, lots of people have flat feet. Look at yours. Mary, I haven't got flat feet. Go on, your footprint's in the sand of Fulminia, duck hunter. There's very little buckshot in my bathing suit, Miss Livingston. It was those water wings that pooled him. And now, ladies and gentlemen, for our feature attraction tonight, we are offering a very unusual play. About 200 years ago, on the very side of this marine base, Camp Pendleton, there was a great Mexican ranch known as the Rancho Santa Margarita. So this evening, we would like to show you what life was like on a typical rancho in those early days. In other words, our sketch will take you back 200 years. And don't think we haven't got the jokes for it. You're crabbing everything. In as much as I am the only member, Chuck Reisner won't like it, in as much as I am the only member of our cast who speaks Spanish, I will play the part of a wealthy landowner, Don Jose Benet. I speak Spanish, Mr. Benny. You do? Now the part of my daughter... Si yo conocía una vez a señorita me enseñó hablar español y comer enchiladas también. Yes, sir. Now the part of my... What did Dennis say to you, Jack? What's he talking about? I don't know. But you said you spoke Spanish. I speak it, but I don't understand it. Now the part of my daughter... Bueno, señor Benny, digo usted algo. Estoy ansioso. Buenas noches, Dennis. Buenas noches. Now the part of my daughter... I can't speak Spanish, eh? Now the part of my daughter, Conchita Rosita Margarita Pepita Benet, will be played by Mary Livingston. Phil Harris will be a Yankee salesman. And Don... Yes, Jack? To make the rancho authentic, you're playing the part of a herd of cattle. So, uh, pin these 500 tails on your pants and let's get going. Now this play will be presented immediately after a band number by Phil Harris. How about it, Phil? Well, I'd like to, Jackson, but we don't have no chance to rehearse and it'll sound ragged. What? You know, it won't be my usual smooth, dreamy style. Dreamy? Phil, just because people close their eyes when they hear you play, don't let it go to your head. Now let's have it. Wait a minute, I'll take it. Hello? Hello, Mr. Benny, this is Rochester. Now listen, Rochester, when you left Los Angeles last night, I told you to be here for the program today. Now where are you? Well, a friend of mine offered to drive me to Camp Pendleton, but on the way down we got a flat tire. I see. Between Los Angeles and Camp Pendleton, you had a flat tire. Where are you calling from? Do you want to? Tijuana? Do you want to come down here? Come up here. Now let me ask you something, Rochester, in driving from Los Angeles to Camp Pendleton, how could you possibly get to Tijuana, which is 50 miles south of here? Well. Well what? Well, boss. Well, boss what? Are you well, boss? Yes, I'm well. Now, Rochester, I want the truth. You went down to Tijuana for a good time, didn't you? Oh! No, boss. All I had since I've been here is a couple of glasses of buttermilk. Buttermilk, eh? Are you sure that wasn't tequila you drank? It could be my cigars, let it both in. I thought so. Now listen, Rochester, I want you to get right over here to Camp Pendleton. I promise these boys you'd do a song for them. Okay, I'll be there. Good. Did you bring your music with you? It's right on my hip, boss. I wrapped the bottle of buttermilk in it. Well, see you later. Goodbye. Don't worry, fellas. He'll be here, and I'll have him do a song for you. Boss, if he's in Tijuana now, he can't possibly get here in time for the program. This is radio, kid. Wake up. Bonehead notches. Play clip. First in the orchestra. Now for our play about life on the ranch show 200 years ago. Now remember, Mary, you're going to be my daughter. Phil, you're the Yankee salesman. And Don, you're a herd of cattle. How many heads? Just one head, Don. Like I told you before. How many heads? Just one head, Don. Like I told you, 500 tails. All right, let's get going. What about me, Mr. Benny? Am I going to be in the play? Oh, yes. Yes. Pardon me, kid. Dennis, you're going to be my daughter's sweetheart, Don Deniso D'Opo. So here we go to the ranch show, Benet. Curtain, music. Don Jose Benet. I am one lucky man. I have beautiful d'ortel. I have beautiful ranch show. And 500 heads, a beautiful cattle. They are so big, so fat. I think I will send them to market soon. No! Okay, I wait. Ah, here come my little d'ortel. Conchita, rosita, macchita, papita, lolita, wanita, Benet. Ah, my papa, Don Jose Benet, with a lousy toupee. Conchita, my darling, I have good news for you. Tomorrow you marry Don Deniso D'Opo, big tortilla man, from Tijuana. But I have never seen these Don D'Opo. He's a stranger to me. After the wedding, you will get acquainted. Don Deniso D'Opo make fine husband, Conchita. Marry him, and you will have five, maybe 10, maybe 15 children. Boys or girls? Meek-sa-ma! Meek-sa-ma! Here come Don D'Opo from the depot, up quick. Come in. Ah, Don D'Opo, did you have nice treat? Chichi. Come here, Don D'Opo. I would like to present you to my daughter. Conchita, rosita, macchita, papita, lolita, wanita, patuta, patuta, Benet. You like her, yes? Oh, yes, yes. It's for one and the other, the moment of the Penela in my brafos. Ah, you understand what he say, Conchita? Only the whistle. I must talk with Don D'Opo alone, Conchita. So go in kitchen and put kettle on. But I am already wearing sombrero. Put kettle on stove, not on hair. Now, scrammo. Oh, you mean I should take the powder? Yes. Now, Don D'Opo, we talk business. If you marry my daughter, I give you fifty cow. Only fifty cow? If I married on Pedro Alvarez's daughter, he give me fifty cow and throw in the bull. But I, I am not throwing the bull. I really give you fifty cow. You will marry Conchita, rosita, macchita, papita, lolita, wanita, Benita, Benet. Tomorrow. And your brother Pancho, he will be best man. Well, my brother Pancho is dead. He was killed by a weasel. How could a man be killed by a little weasel? He was standing on the track. His friend came along and he did not hear the weasel. That is one big joke I am laughing. Even Pancho went to pieces. Anyway, if he settles, you will marry my daughter tomorrow. Now, if you will help me, I will call her in. Oh, Conchita, rosita, macchita, papita, lolita, take it. Wanita, anita, frangita, galita, take it. Sosalita, belita, Benet. Will you come in here, please? Will you all calling me all? You're south of the border. It is settled, my daughter. Tomorrow we will have wedding and you will marry Don D'Opo. But I do not love these D'Opo. I love gringo. What gringo? Feel with the curly Harris. Ah, Feel Harris. Last week he mixed up program with Ad Leeb. Yes. Who is this gringo? I will kill him. Be careful, Don D'Opo. Feel Harris is one tough hombre. He is big man. I got not care for him. I no care if he is twice my big and three times my heavy. I kill him. Must be same horse. He is coming into the house. Don D'Opo, what are you doing with that knife? I got hangnail. Conchita, rosita, macchita, papita, lolita, wanita, anita, benita, frangita, galita, belita, margarita, Benet. I love you. Who do you love? I'm not going through that again, sister. Now listen to me gringo. I do not care how much you love my daughter. I have promised her to Don D'Opo. And don't forget those 50 cows. You will get them. But Papa, I love Americano. I do not care. Listen gringo. I give you just three to leave this rancher. You got feel? He's got a gun. You're on my side. All right gringo, I'm going to count three and if you do not leave, I will shoot. Who knows? Don't. Donner, I forgot the Spanish word for three. I don't care I shoot you anyway. Miss me. Then I will shoot Don D'Opo. He's closer. Miss me too. Well I know one thing I cannot miss. Not everybody we will have steak for dinner. We're all ready to sing Taking a Chance on Love from a zoo picture Cabin in the Sky. I thought the cards were brainwashed. I never would try. But now I'm taking the game up. And ate a heart's pie. On the ball again. I'm riding for a ball again. I'm going to give my all again. Taking a chance on love. I'm waiting again. I'm leading with my chin again. I'm starting out to win again. Taking a chance on... Taking a chance on... Ladies and gentlemen, the United States has a job to do. We're marching together to win a better struggle. And to win this war, the United States of America that means you and me and everybody in this nation must be strong, clear-headed, wide awake, healthy. That is why our government is spending so much time and money and effort to see that every American eats to win so that he can work to win this war. We all get a nourishing, well-balanced diet. Therefore, our government urges us to eat the basic seven foods every day, as outlined in Uncle Sam's nutrition program. We're proud that cereals, whole-grain or restored, are one of the seven basic foods. We're proud that delicious un-rationed great-nuts flakes is a whole-grain cereal member of the basic seven. And we're proud to cooperate in urging our fellow Americans to start tomorrow with this firm resolve every day from now on I'll eat the basic seven. Next week, Gardner Field, California. Good night, folks. Marine Corps does not endorse any product this broadcast is not intended as an endorsement of our product by the Marine Corps.