 For the safety of your smile use peptidine twice a day. See your dentist twice a year Lever Brothers Company presents the peptidine show my friend Irma created by Cy Howard and Starring Marie Wilson as Irma with Joan Banks as Jane Friendship, friendship, just a perfect friendship when other friendships have been forgotten There's will still be hot Article it said the earth rotates on its axis at a speed of over a thousand miles an hour At this rate of speed you wonder what keeps the whole world from getting dizzy Well scientists explain that due to the law of gravity this spinning has no effect on us at all I've got news for you. These scientists have never met my friend Irma Believe me, she spins like well like the law was repealed But knowing all this I still can't help loving her I admit there are times when she's quite exasperating like the time when well the other night for instance I was reading the newspaper and I said Irma. Yes, Jane. Look at this headline United States expects record bumper crop in 1948. Isn't that wonderful? Well, I don't think so. What good are all those bumpers if we can't get cars? Well, that's the way it is all day long, but there's one consolation the days are getting shorter Jane. Yes, sweetie. It's been weeks now since you've seen Richard. Do you miss him? Who a Richard Rhinelander the fellow used to go with do you miss him Richard? Well, I never even think of him. He was just a chapter in my life. Jane, you're not fooling me I know you still loving Irma. That's ridiculous. I never give him a thought. Well, then who's the other Richard other Richard? Yes, you know the one you keep talking about in your sleep Irma, you're just imagining things I tell you the man isn't even on my mind. Oh, were you going Jane? I'm going to do some shopping over at Sears and Richard Sears and Robuck come in It's only me, Professor Kropatsky. Hello Jane, you know my two little darlings one a live wire the other a little haywire Why professor? Excuse me, Jane, a little joke to cheer me up Professor, I thought you seemed worried. Is something wrong? Wrong. Well, it's a matter how you look at it, Jane I've just lost my job at the gypsy tearoom. Oh Professor after five years. That's right. Five years of working like a horse and this is the tanks I get Five years? Happy anniversary, Professor Have you looked around for anything else? Janey, when a man gets along in years like the old professor It isn't easy to find another job. The employers look at you like he was an old horse that should be turned out to pasture And that I wouldn't like. Oh, it might not be too bad There will be probably other horses there to play with Irma, well, I mean I understand, Irma. You're only trying to make me forget my trouble. Come in Hello, girl. Oh, Mrs. O'Reilly. Oh, so they are Professor Not just a minute, Mrs. O'Reilly. You're screaming at a very sad man. I don't care. I'll show you. Now wait a minute, Mrs. O'Reilly What's happened to make you so upset? The professor here left another one of his notes on mid-door I'll read it to you. Come with me across the sea to some romantic port like Bancor Well, that's beautiful. That's what I thought. But wait until you hear the rest of it Because when our ship lies in the bay, I'll need you for an anchor Professor, that's cruel. All right. All right. I'll change it. To me these creative thoughts flow How do you like a thing like this? Come with me across the sea to some romantic port like Dallas Oh, now you're poetic. Because when our ship lies in the bay, I'll need you for a ballast Professor, I'm losing patience with you. You're miserable. Oh, why can't you be decent? Oh, yes. Mrs. O'Reilly such a nice woman. Well, maybe you are right Please forgive me, Mrs. O'Reilly. I'll never say mean things about you again I do know if I can trust you. Mrs. O'Reilly, believe me. I know I'm always insulting you saying unflattering things to you But underneath it all I have a great affection for you As a matter of fact, you remind me of someone who's very dear to me Oh, why professor? No, it's true. It's true. If you had a beard you'd look just like my grandfather Look professor, how can you stand there fighting with Mrs. O'Reilly when you have such a terrible problem a terrible problem? Yes, the poor professor has lost his job. Oh, indeed. Well, professor, I suppose that means you won't be able to pay your rent Yes, Mrs. O'Reilly, you have me completely at your mercy Well, there is a way you could make the room your permanent home without paying the rent What do you mean? Well, you know, this is leap year Good. Go up on the roof and leap I'm in it, you miserable old fiddle player you Gee, I'm worried about the professor being out of a job Unemployment sometimes can make a person very unhappy Oh, yes, I know. Al gets moody sometimes Well, that's only because he's afraid it won't last Come in Hello, Jane. Hiya, chicken Oh, hello, Al, honey. Gee, it looks so happy And why not? Just got one of the greatest deals of my life What is it, Al, honey? Well, it's for guys who don't like to get up and give ladies their seats in trolley cars It's especially shaped balloon that when you blow it up, it looks like a baby So you got an excuse to sit there and hold it How does it hit you, Jane? Right below the belt What's the matter with you girls? I never seen you look so unhappy You look like a pair of counterfeiters that's run out of paper Al, Professor Karpotkin lost his job Don't like that Shouldn't think you would Well, the field is getting overcrowded We're getting too many applicants down there The downed unemployment office is getting to be like a country club Al, this may come as a big surprise to you, but there are many men Including the professor who prefer to work Well, if we're dealing with neurotics You mean you want me to help find a job for the professor? I think he needs the help of all of us Does it have to be honest work? Of course That's a specialized field these days Let me think Well, all right. Let's all be silent and think Yeah? You won't be angry. Why should we be angry at you? I've got an idea But frighten your honey out with it Well, you know how the professor always said he was tired of working for someone else And liked to own his own restaurant? Yes Well, yesterday I noticed the store in the corner is empty And I thought maybe we could help him go into business Irma, that's a wonderful thought Oh, dear, really think so, Jing Wait till I write home and tell my mother she'll be so proud Chicken, how did you come to think of it? Oh, it just came to me unawares You know, in my unconscious mind What an idea, the professor's own restaurant Well, wait a minute, Irma, that's a wonderful idea But we've all got to pitch in and help Let's see, I can take care of the books when I get through work at night We'll do my share too, Jane. I can be the night manager Yeah, when a deadbeat tries to get out without paying I'll know from experience just how he'll go about it What about you, chicken? I'll make the salads Mr. Clyde, at the offices, I'm very good at mixing things up It's me again, girls Mrs. O'Reilly, you're just in time You like to cook, don't you? I like nothing better Well, you're going to get your chance We're all pitching in to help the professor open his own restaurant And you can be the head chef, you know what they call the Matador That's maitre d, Irma Well, Mrs. O'Reilly, are you with us? Of course I am to the last man And I think the professor's the last man Come in It's only me, Professor Kropotskin, again I just came down to borrow your newspaper, Jenny I want to look at the want ads Say, why are you all smiling at me like that? Professor, we have wonderful news for you How would you like to have a restaurant of your own? A restaurant of my own? Why are you tormenting me so? You know, nothing is closer to my heart Well, you're going to have it, and it's Irma's idea Go ahead, chicken, tell him Well, it's very simple, Professor We're all going to help Al is going to see that everybody gets out without paying And I'm going to mix up the books And Mrs. O'Reilly's going to cook the dead beets Call it chicken Professor, Irma is trying to tell you That we're all going to pitch in and help You mean you're saying that The old professor don't know what to say You're all such wonderful friends I could kiss every one of you And second thought, let's just shake hands Winning smile is a pepsident smile Again and again, people have found it true The smile that wins is the pepsident smile Phyllis Pahn, a lovely young ballerina Who's home as Brookline, Massachusetts Had a song written about her Called Little Girl with a Fascinating Smile Phyllis danced to this song in a summer theater production And though she's only 17, Phyllis's smile Has won other honors too She was voted Teen Queen of Boston Missed television of New England And already she's danced solo roles In several operas The future looks bright for Phyllis Pahn But no brighter than her own pepsident smile Phyllis told us Pepsident's always been my choice It gets teeth so bright and it tastes good too Like Phyllis Pahn, people all over America agree The smile that wins is the pepsident smile In recent comparison tests Thousands of people preferred pepsident witherium Over the brands they'd been using at home Yes, pepsident won by the overwhelming average Of three to one For its cool minty taste For making breath cleaner And teeth brighter Try a new pepsident toothpaste witherium And you will see The smile that wins is the pepsident smile You've never seen anyone as happy As Professor Kropotkin has been Since the whole gang offered to help him Get started with the restaurant And you know something? You've never seen anyone happier than all of us Because, well, there's something about Giving that's better than getting And so, while the professor is down At the real estate office seeing about the lease We're sitting around trying to think up A good name for the restaurant Any ideas, Al? I don't think this restaurant should cater Only to the Swedes and the French and the Chinese I think it should cater to all nationalities And all classes And I've got just the name What? Hodge podge lodge Yes, or United Nations coffee pot Oh, please kids, let's get something sensible Hey, what's wrong with Caffe Kropotkin? Hey, that's pretty good And I got just the slogan for the restaurant Slogan? Oh, let's hear it, Al It goes like this Of the food on your plate, do not be afraid Everything we serve is thoroughly sprayed What do you think of it? I'd rather not I have one Al, what is it, chicken? Our food is never touched by human hands We handle everything ourselves Kropotkin again Hello, everybody Professor, you look upset Did something go wrong? Jenny, I've lost my chance to own my own restaurant What happened? Couldn't you get the store? All I have to do to get the lease Is to guarantee them six months' rent in advance Professor, that's $1,200 Let me see 25 a week times four is $100 That'll be 12 months I might be able to guarantee it on the strength of my income But how do I know I'm going to be unemployed that long? Because you've made the varsity Ah, look, professor, don't give up hope I'm sure there are things we can do I tried everything I pleaded with the man I begged on my knees I cried like a baby I even told him a lie I said I was getting the nervous breakdown Worrying about my wife and 18 children What did he say? He said I should take up a hobby It's all over, my dream I want to thank you all for the nice gesture I'll just have to take anything that comes along Oh, no, you don't, professor Come on, we're going over to the bank Maybe we can get them to extend a loan A very sound idea, Jane Some of my close business associates Often visit banks for financial aid Well, this won't be quite the same, Al We're going to the bank while it's still open Don't give up hope, professor Irma, Alan and I will go over to the bank Maybe by using the personal approach They'll give us a loan We'll see you later And so, Mr. O'Connor, we thought your bank Would loan Professor Kropotkin the money I see, Miss Stacy Well, the business you caught him playing Going into seems quite sound However, since the professor has no collateral The loan can only be granted as a personal loan And this type of loan requires co-signers Well, that's why we're here, Mr. O'Connor Just tell me where to sign Now, sign? Very well But first, there are a few routine questions Number one, your occupation is... Government Collector I see Department of Internal Revenue No, Department of Unemployment Twenty-five dollars a week Chicken I'm afraid that you won't qualify, sir How about you, Miss Stacy? Well, of course, Mr. O'Connor I'd be glad to be a co-signer Good What is your occupation? Private Secretary Fine A salary? Seventy dollars a week And how long have you been employed In your present position? Two weeks Well, I'm afraid that... How about you, Miss? Oh, I've had my job for five years Well, that's an admirable record Your employer must thank very highly of you Well, he thinks it would take a hundred girls to replace me Oh, he does Yes, he says if I ever left his employment He'd find a hundred girls to take my place in a minute I see And what is your salary? Forty dollars a week A plus deduction for the things I break around the office Folks, I'm afraid we cannot approve the loan Unless we have a co-signer who is reliable And financially responsible Miss Stacy, do you know anyone Who might meet these requirements? I have a thought Well, out with it, sweetie I'll listen to anything Well, you could ask, you know who R-I-C-H-A-R-D Spells Richard Richard Irma, I told you Richard Rhinelander is an episode in my life That's all over I'm sorry, Mr. O'Connor But if that's the way you feel That's the way you feel Good day I'm sorry, good day Give me a minute, Alan Irma I don't want the two of you looking at me As though I were a criminal Can't go to Richard and ask for a favor So I'll just have to go back And tell the professor to forget about the restaurant I'll see you at home Proud patootie Let me see Got to think of an angle Let's drop into this pay station here, chicken Al, why are you tying that string around a nickel? Gonna make a phone call Because there's only one man who can help Who, Al? Who else, but... Hello, Joe Got a problem Huh? You can't talk to me, you're in a hurry? Or why? You're going to a meeting of the SPCA convention? Well, I didn't know you were a dog lover Well, it's a different organization Uh-huh Uh-huh Uh-huh Uh-huh SPCA means Society of Pugs, Crooks and Orsonists Well, thanks anyway And goodbye, noble friend Well, chicken, Joe can't help us So you and I better go back to your apartment Oh, alright, Albert Gosh, what are we going to do? Don't know, chicken This is a serious situation You'll just have to put on your thinking cap Oh, Al, I've tried a dozen hats Nothing helps Hello, Jamie Well, what's the good word? Oh, I'm afraid there isn't any good word, Professor We were turned down You mean there's no one to turn to? To help us? There's no one but... I mean, no, Professor No one What more is there to be said? I think I'll take that job they offered me Digging ditches in the cemetery Oh, Professor, you're too old for that So what? If anything happens, I haven't got far to go I'll see you later, Jamie No, Professor, wait, I... I just might know someone who can help us Now, Jamie, don't go back to Richard Just a my account, please Professor, I couldn't think of a better reason Now I'm going to the beauty parlor And then I'll drop by his office Maybe you shouldn't, Jamie I've been looking for a good excuse to talk to him In a business way In a business way And what if he tries to kiss you? Well, that's my business I mean, that's my business I mean... Then we don't wait to ask a chicken You and I go down to Richard's office And not only do we fix things up for the Professor But we bring Jane and Richard back together Oh, I understand, Al We kill them both with one stone Okay, chicken, this is Richard's floor His office is right down the hall I'll wait here Oh, but, uh, Al, I don't know what to say Well, there's nothing to it, chicken Just say, um... Jane is too proud to ask a favor But the Professor needs help Because his job fell through And he wants to open up a business of his own Got it, chicken? Of course, Al, word for word Good, chicken But just for the records, let's have it back All right Jane needs help Because he opened up the Professor and fell through No, chicken Look, the Professor lost his job Jane wants to back him But she needs your help To co-sign the note at the bank Oh, I see The Professor needs help Because Jane backed him into a sign Look, you wait here I'll talk to Richard myself Think I'll work on the jealousy anger All right, Al, I'll wait And type copies of the Miss Becker Oh, Al Hi, Richard, old man Come on into my office, Al Well, I'm glad to see you, Al Thanks Richard, I have news That I'm sure you will be interested in It's about... Jane Jane? What's the trouble with Jane? Fellas She's got a million of them Goes out every night Enough to make a guy jealous, ain't it? No, it isn't What? You mean you don't care? Well, if she's so busy There's no point in my calling her tonight As I intended I mean, well, she... Excuse me, Al What is it, Miss Becker? I'm Miss Jane Stacey is here to see me Shorian Al, Jane's coming in What a coincidence I'm leaving And I think through the back door See you later Hello, Richard Hello, Jane I'm rather surprised to see you What do you mean? I thought you'd be busy with all those dates I understand you've been having lately Dates? Yes, I have my source of information And if getting to see you means I have to compete In an elimination contest I'm afraid that's more than I can undertake Well, of all the arrogant, presumptuous people I should have known better than to come here Goodbye Now, wait a minute, Jane You misunderstood Wait a minute Hello What's that? I'll miss Irma Peterson to see me Oh, well, send her in and stand by Hello, Richard Irma, do you know who was just here? Yes, Al And I know he left in a hurry because he... He went for a doctor A doctor? Yes, um... Jane is sick She's been in bed all week She's... She's desperately ill Desperately ill? Yes, I know she wouldn't want me to tell you this But, well, I think it's a question of minutes When people are in love, they should know what time it is What seems to be the matter with her? Um, her back Uh, killing her It's a rare tropical disease I think it's called bacteria Bacteria? Oh, yes, yes, I've heard of that A friend of mine had it in the front It was called frontieria Yes, it's a spreading disease I've heard, uh, are you concerned? I'm very much concerned Oh, I knew you would be Any time you and Al are at liberty It's time for the whole city to be concerned What are you talking about, Richard? Jane was just here She was? Oh, well, uh... Being sick like that with a high fever She's probably out of her mind Uh, you know what they call hilarious? Here And a lot of normal people have it Your arm, please, I'm, uh... Don't feel badly about it, Jane You tried your best and the old professor appreciates it I'll get along somehow I can't understand that, Richard He treated me horribly Come in Irma, Al, Richard Rhinelander What are you doing here? Jane, I... Well, it's this way Yes, Richard? Al tells me that you've been going out every night with a different fellow And Irma tells me that simultaneously you've been sick in bed I couldn't let anyone so talented get away from me Oh, Richard I knew you wouldn't let me down I'm sorry, I'm stupid I should have put two and two together Yes, Jane, but not if the two and two are Al and Irma Because those two never add up to anything but trouble Richard, did Irma tell you anything about the professor's predicament? I couldn't shut her up And I'm happy to say I've taken care of everything The professor will have his restaurant Oh, Richard I just don't know how to thank you How about this way? T. Al isn't that sweet Look how our... Look how our toes are curling up Yeah, chicken, does it give you any ideas? Yes, Al, it's by ski this winter And you know something? Maybe tough sledding, but there's nothing that can stop me From loving my friend Irma Your winning smile is a pepsidon smile Again and again, people have found The smile that wins is the pepsidon smile That's borne out by the vote of thousands who tried New pepsidon toothpaste willarium In a recent nationwide test These people were given plain unlabeled tubes of pepsidon And were asked to compare it With the brands they were using at home When their votes came in, pepsidon won By the overwhelming average of three to one These people say new pepsidon tastes better Makes their breath cleaner and their teeth brighter Than any other toothpaste they tried Remember, that's not just our opinion That's what people say They say it three to one They've seen pepsidon witharium Remove the film that makes teeth look dull Uncover new brightness in their smiles Try it and you will see The smile that wins is the pepsidon smile My friend Irma is produced and directed by Si Howard Mark Levy writes the script with Stanley Adams And Roland McClain And it's brought to you by pepsidon toothpaste willarium Another fine product of Lever Brothers Company This is Wendell Niles speaking And this is CBS, the Columbia Broadcasting Center