 Mystery House. Mystery House. That strange publishing firm owned by Dan and Barbara Glenn, where each new novel is acted out by the Mystery House staff before it has accepted for publication. Mystery House. Say, that's tough, Barbie. Dan having to go out of town this week. He's missing the chance to act in a swell story of Mystery House tonight. It's a very peculiar story, Art. Good characters, Barbie. If you're worrying about a good part for yourself, Art, you have a honey. Oh, listen, Barb, you know it wasn't that. Tom, you tell her my soul interest is in the show as a whole if you won't believe me. Well, Art, I think everybody has to have a personal interest in everything they do. You have a personal interest in all your work, do you, Tom? Why, certainly. Now, you take this message. Just listen. Okay. Places, everybody. Set the scene, Tom. Laugh? I thought I'd die. Tonight's story opens in the luxurious but overly ornate dining room of Amos Gadley, a millionaire and an incurable practical joker. Three other people are seated around the table. I think you'll find this coffee a rare treat. It's my own special blend imported especially from my use. Give everybody a generous cup, Jeff. Yes, Mr. Gadley. Drink hearty, friend. You'll never get anything like it. Is this another of your jokes, Gadley? What's wrong with the coffee? Wrong. Don't trust me, Air Garmin. It's wonderful coffee. Wonderful. No, thank you. And I wouldn't take any either if I were you, Garnett. Don't worry, Lance. I won't. Drink up, all of you. I'm a man of whims and I might decide that I don't like one of you. Unless you do as I say. That would be pretty funny. You're always funny, Gadley, but I have no sense of humor. Quiet. Nobody who lives in my charity can talk that way to me. It doesn't amuse me. Drink your coffee, all of you. The clown prince has spoken. If he tells me to eat gravel, suppose I must. I'll drink it, but I don't have to like it, do I? You love it. I will get you ten on that. Well, here goes. A toast to the funniest man in the world. Come and sit down. Well, be sure of yourselves, all of you. It's about time I had this little dinner. I've been wondering what the point is. I suppose it's something screaming that funny. We have a point to make too, Gadley. We've talked things over and we've decided we're through feeling like charity wards. You're giving us no more than we deserve. We don't propose to go on being stooges for your stupid jokes. Well, you think not, eh? You're going. Oh, no! No! Carmen, what's the matter? Your face. And garnette. And yours too, my dear. We're all turning blue. Our skin. Not me. I ain't blue. What was in that coffee? A little chemical, Mr. Garnette, and don't worry, it's quite harmless. As harmless as all your little pranks, I suppose? I have the word of a reliable doctor that all it'll do is tint the skin of brilliant blue. It'll wear off completely in 24 hours. So for 24 hours we look like circus freaks. Yes, Carmen darling, for 24 hours. Maybe a little inconvenient. Anything for a laugh? Maybe, but this isn't for laughs. Only which one of you has seen this letter before? How would we know whether we've seen it before or not? It's just a plain white envelope with your name and address. And no return address. Of course you wouldn't know. None of you would know. Maybe I'd better read it to you. Yes, that might be a good idea. Dear, fat, funny boy. Nobody loves a good laugh as much as you do. And this will kill you. You'll be dead by midnight, Saturday. That's tonight. Don't interrupt. You probably won't appreciate the humor of your murder, but it'll be a big laugh to at least three people. And the letter is signed, guess who? Pretty good, eh? Excellent. Yeah? Well, it was supposed to scare me, but it didn't. Maybe it should have scared you, Gadley. It had to be one of you three. And so we're going to have a most amusing experiment this evening. Experiment? What are you up to now? Jefferson and I will search all three of you for any possible weapons. Listen, you don't think... I think that you three are the ones mentioned in that letter, the ones who'd get a big laugh from my murder. Maybe you're right. I've been a practical joker for years. You're telling us. I've had a lot of fun. A lot of fun. You three were, well, my failures. Three jokes that failed to come off. Three jokes that failed to come off. Just like that. Why, you rotten, filthy, fat old devil. Shut up! I'm not joking now, Lance. And I can be pretty mean when I'm in the mood. I've paid all three of you, made up for everything. If you think you could ever make up for what you've done to me, you're mistaken. I've never felt humble about taking your money. Fine, fine. I wanted to be sure I had the right three, and I'm sure I have. Now we're going to have some fun. What time is it, Jefferson? 10.30, sir. Excellent. The experiment should take about an hour. Jefferson, telephone the police station for me. Yes, sir. What is this, anyway? What are you trying to pull? You'll know soon enough. Here you are, sir. Hello? I'd like to see you. I'd like to speak to Captain Linwood, please. Hello, Captain. This is Amos J. Gadley, Delacourt Apartments. I'm about to be murdered, Captain Linwood. Oh, I don't know exactly, Captain. But certain people are very blue about it. No, no, I'm not joking. Never was more serious in my life. Goodbye. I'm satisfied. None of you had any weapons, eh, Jefferson? Yes, quite satisfied, sir. All right, bring in the tray. I don't get that, Gadley. You will, Carmen. You will. Here you are, sir. The tree. A revolver, a hunting knife, and a sledgehammer on it. Say, what's this going to be? A suicide party? That wouldn't be a bad idea at all, Gannett. No, these weapons are for your convenience. In deference to the weaker sex, I think Carmen should have first choice of weapons. What's the big idea? Is this another of your jokes? No joke, Gannett. Here's the idea. You make a choice of weapons, then Jefferson will turn out the lights at a signal. Each of you will grab your weapon from the tray. You're crazy. Lights all out. Each of you with a weapon. And then, if my guess is right, you try to kill me. This isn't funny, Gadley. I'm going home. Oh, no, you're not. Because if any one of you refuses to go through with my plans, you don't get any more allowance. You're broke. No, you start arguing with him. He'll win as usual. All right, Gadley, I'll take the revolver. Revolver, it is a very ladylike choice. Lance, I suppose you yield second choice to Gannett. He costs me more than you do. I want no choice at all. You take one, all right. Mr. Gannett, this knife or the sledgehammer. The sledgehammer appeals to me, Gadley. And I hope I can make a lucky swing in the dark. I'll be trying. I assure you. Thank you, Mr. Gannett. You make the game so much more fun for me. I guess that leaves the knife for the ex-surgeon, Lance. Something poetic about things working out that way, isn't there? You're out of your mind. You can't go through with this. You think not? Line up against the wall, all three of you. Hurry. We might as well. All right. I'm going to stand over here at the opposite end of the room. The second the lights go out, make a dash for the weapons. I suppose we'll stumble over a chord or something. No, I promise. See here, Gadley. You can make us play this game, but you can't make us pick up those weapons or use them. Oh, don't argue with them, Lance. Are you ready, Jefferson? Yes, sir. When I count to three, turn off the lights. Right, sir. All of you, one. Don't worry. I just wanted to see if the gun was really loaded. Be careful of that gun, Carmen. Coach, leave a little. You're bats. I wasn't even near you. Unfortunately, Mr. Garnett, you hit my shoulder instead of my head, and the shoulder's much better padded. Oh, you devil. You're asking to be murdered? Yeah, but the novelty's worn off. Turn on the lights, Jefferson. Turn them on. Right, sir. Mr. Garnett. Garnett. Speak to me. Garnett. No, you... Gadley, he's dead. No, he couldn't be dead. Somebody's trying to... You wanted a murder tonight and it looks like you got it. I hope you're satisfied. Murder? Certainly. You killed him, Gadley. First you killed his soul and now his body. I hope you hang. I know your reputation as a practical joker, Gadley. I've been here sooner. I thought you were trying to be funny. As a matter of fact, I was, Captain. I would. Say, how about having one of your cigars, Gadley? I hope you don't mind. But... Don't mention it. Thanks. All right. Good cigars, Gadley. Hey, hey! What the pleasure are you trying to pull, Gadley? Oh, those cigars aren't dangerous now, Captain Lindwood. His exploding cigars have been toned down considerably since... Since... Since when? Since I was a young surgeon. Gadley gave me one of his cigars before he'd quite perfected his formula. Tetanus infection in my right hand result three fingers amputated. End of a career. Now? Real cute, wasn't it? I've made it up to him, Captain. I pay him $200 a month. My lawyer's drew up a life contract with him. Life contract, huh? Then it'll be worth $200 a month for you for him to be dead. As far as you're concerned. Well, I don't mind the expense. I don't suppose you was paying Garnet anything, too, by any chance? I can answer that for you, Captain. Garnet got more than any of us. $500 a month. You little ingrate. Garnet was an artist years ago, and a good one. But Gadley had a funny bout near in his lapel one day. It squirted water in your face when he squeezed a bolt. Shut up, you little fool. Gadley wasn't satisfied with just squirting water. He worked out a solution that would make your skin itch. Got him to Garnet's eyes and practically blinded him. That was the end of Garnet's pain. Big pardon, Miss, but is Gadley connected with your... Am I being crippled? Yes. I was a dancer ten years ago. Did an Adagio act with my partner. And Gadley was sitting in one of the front upper boxes. He tossed some carpet tax onto the stage, just as I was starting our hardest routine. I stepped on a tack and... missed my partner's arms. I was in the hospital two years. I paid all the bills, didn't I? Sure, you paid the bills. You've been paying them ever since. And isn't that just wonderful of you? Yeah, seems like a comical guy, all right. Hey, you. Me, sir? Yes, you. What's your particular ailment? Yeah, what's Gadley done to you? Oh, nothing, sir. He's been wonderful to me, sir, ever since his stoop. And some things I don't get about this. Sounds awful fishy. You say you gave all three of these, uh... wards of yours a chance to kill you. Oh, but that was all a joke, Captain Linwood. They couldn't kill me. What do you mean they couldn't kill you? I wanted to see which one had the nerve to try murdering me. Which one had sent that letter? The revolver was loaded with blanks. A knife wouldn't kill a flea. Why not? A very clever knife. The blade slips right up into the handle the minute it touches anything. See? Hmm. Seminy spent a lot of time to make a fool of a thing like that. But this sledgehammer, now, don't tell me that... That's murderous, doesn't it? No! I didn't hurt a bit. I scarcely felt it. And the weight's all in the end of the handle. The actual sledgehammer is made of balsa wood, painted black. Doesn't weigh half an ounce. It's nothing for a laugh, huh? But here's something I found. And it ain't so comical. What? It's a toy balloon. Like they sell at circuses. Yeah. But this little toy balloon killed Garnett. See how much of a chuckle you can get out of that. By a toy balloon, doesn't seem possible. But strange things happen in Mystery House. You'll find out all about it in the second act of tonight's story. And now, act two of... Laugh? I thought I'd die. We go to Captain Linwood's office in the police station. He's talking to Amos Gadley's butler Jefferson as the scene opens. You know anything about that balloon, Jefferson? A balloon? I talk plain enough. The big red rubber balloon in the base of the ash stand and Gadley's apartment. You're all wrong about Mr. Gadley, sir. He's innocent, absolutely innocent. He's a good man and a generous one. And he has a wonderful sense of humor. Yeah. Yeah, I'm laughing. Fit to bust. Now, what was that balloon doing in the base of the ash stand? By what difference could it possibly make, sir? Because there were faint traces of a very deadly poison gas in it. And that's what killed Garnett. Oh, you're all wrong, sir. Mr. Gadley filled the balloon with air and put it down in the base of the ash stand for a joke, sir. A joke? Yes, indeed, sir. Now, tell me why I should laugh. Why don't you see, sir, somebody drops their cigarette down into the ash stand and presses the button to let it down into the hollow base. It hits the balloon and bang. You saw him blow it up with air? Why, uh, why? Yes. The balloon wasn't busted, Jefferson, but it was empty. And you're lying. Well, maybe I didn't see him actually blow it up, sir. But he told me he did. Oh, he told you he did, huh? And he told you he didn't mind paying Garnett 500 bucks a month, too, I suppose. You've got to let me out of this jail, Inwood. My lawyers will have you walking a beat before you get through with this. So you don't know from nothing about a balloon in the ash stand, huh? No, no, no. I told you that. You weren't playing a cute little practical joke. No, how many times do I have to tell you no? Oh, it's no good, Gadley. You were tired of paying. If you could kill one and make it look like one of the other two did the job, you could cut your payments a lot. That's ridiculous. You thought you were safe. You had the balloon filled with deadly poison gas. I don't know anything about any balloon, I tell you. Yeah, I heard that before. Garnett was getting more money from you than either of the others. You held the balloon in front of his face and slowly released a gas. You're mad. Then you dropped the empty balloon back in the ash stand and pressed the button to let it down into the base. You thought it would never be found. You can't do this to me. It's a frame apart. A silly little toy balloon, but it collapsed with a bit of poison gas still in it. You know what that means, Gadley? You're not a radio, you're in swing. It means the electric chair for you, Gadley. Gadley. Hello, Carmen. I think the police have found out that Garnett loaned you money after his wife left him. He didn't? Oh, but I happen to know. And you hadn't paid it back, had you? I'd tell the police all about it if I were you before you get into trouble. Hi, Mr. Jefferson. What do you think you're doing? You, you heard what? Yeah, every word of it. I've been following you, and you might as well quit trying to clear your boss because this is gonna be one joke that's on him. Yeah, and this time maybe I got something that'll help you. I don't know, but I ain't a guy to let my prejudices overcome my duty. You're a stupid fool. Maybe, but I'm not alone if I am. Did Mr. Lance and Mr. Garnett ever have a quarrel when they were in your apartment? Why, I don't know. Maybe they did. You didn't hear one? I, I maybe, I don't remember. Oh, you know, I'm gonna throw that butler of yours in the clink right along with you if he don't quit messing up this case. What do you mean? He told me Lance and Garnett nearly came to blows at your place a couple of weeks before the murder that you pulled him apart. And that Lance said to Garnett... Yes, yes, it's true. Absolutely true. Oh, you remember now, huh? Certainly I remember. They had to fight a bad one. Then, uh, suppose you tell me what Lance said to Garnett. I, uh... Why, uh... I don't remember. That's what I thought. Your butler told me Lance said to Garnett, I'll kill you the first chance I get. Uh, you'd have remembered that, Gedley. If it had ever been said... Did Mr. Gedley, sir? Jefferson, good old Jefferson. They let you come to tell me the governor's going to go out of reprieve. I'm sorry, sir. He's not, but they can't convict him. It's a man, Jefferson. They can't do it. I hate to see you so nervous, sir. You were always so gay, so full of jokes and hygiene, sir. This is, well, there's no way to... to die, sir. Okay. You're right, Jefferson. You could, uh... How is it they say the young people, sir? You could dish it out. Are you going to let them say you couldn't take it? No. Thanks, Jefferson. You've meant a lot to me. You stood by me through everything. It was nothing, sir. They're going to electrocute me, Jefferson. That'll be quite a shock, eh? Get it, Jefferson? Quite a shock. Oh, very good, sir. The silence will probably be electrifying. I guess I can take it, eh, Jefferson? Of course you can, sir. I'd give a sparkling performance tonight, Jefferson. Oh, very good, sir. Anything, well, eh, Jefferson? Have a good, eh? No, no, I'm fine. Don't leave me, Jefferson. Don't leave me, Jefferson. Oh, that's very funny, sir. That's the funniest yet. Well, I'll be seeing you in tomorrow's paper. Say, that wasn't bad either, was it? Bye-bye. I'm holding a wire open to the Governor's mansion. There may be a last-minute reprieve. What do you think, Captain? I... well, if there is, I'll resign. What? Jefferson? Yes. I just came from the death cell. They told me you'd know if a reprieve had come through. Yes, I will know. Sit down, Jefferson. How was he? Oh, very brave, sir. Until just before I left, I had quite a time trying to cheer him up then. How many minutes to go, Captain? Just one. Something could still happen. Yeah, well, it would be a miracle. What was it you liked so much about the guy anyway, Jefferson? You know, that's been bothering me. It was, I suppose, his jollity, sir. So full of jokes. Yeah. 15 seconds. He did such comical things. Things that some people wouldn't think were funny at all. But Mr. Gadley could find the humor in them. Like, just a minute. Lenwood speaking. What? pronounced dead, huh? Thank you. It's all over? Yeah, all over. Well, that's that. Say, did they ever manage to trace Garnett's wife? No, she disappeared completely. Too bad you didn't trace her, Captain Lenwood. Why, Jefferson? Because she was my daughter. What? If you had found her, you'd have known I killed Garnett. What's that? You killed Garnett? Yes, I killed him. I imagine he thanked me for it. He had nothing to live for. He was getting $500 a month, wasn't he? Garnett wasn't interested in money. He was interested in achievement. I killed him. But if you weren't sorrowed him, why kill him? Because it was the best way to kill Mr. Gadley. He was to blame for all my daughter's trouble. She and Garnett were extremely happy till Gadley ruined his career. But you were trying to protect Gadley all the time. Yes. But in an extremely bungling way, wasn't he? Great scut. And we've electrocuted an innocent man. Innocent. I'd hardly say that, sir. I don't think you've ever electrocuted a wicked of me. I... I'm sorry, Jefferson. I'll have to put you under arrest. It's quite all right, sir. All right. And Gadley electrocuted when he was innocent. Yeah. Good joke on him, wasn't it?