 J-E-L-L-O. The Jello Program starring Jack Benny with Mary Livingston, Phil Harris, Kenny Baker, and yours truly, Don Wilson. The orchestra opens a program with, It Serves You Right. You know, when you have enough curiosity, you can make some interesting discoveries. And here's a woman who did just that. She wanted to know how much Jello her family eats, and she found out. She is Mrs. Homer E. Poole, 13th Street Riverside, California, and here's what she writes. I keep the front panels with the big red letters from the Jello packages. I started saving them to see how much Jello our family of four would eat in a year. Every time we had Jello for dessert, we saved the front panel and dropped it in a box. At the end of the year, we were all anxious to find out how many packages we had used. There are so many lovely desserts you can make with those six delicious flavors. And when we opened the box, we found we had used 161 packages of Jello. Well, Mrs. Poole, they say that figures always tell the truth. And those figures certainly tell the truth about Jello. They prove how delicious Jello tastes with that wonderful extra rich fruit flavor that keeps the family coming back for more. No matter how often you serve Jello, it's always a brand new treat. So look for the big red letters on the box. They spell Jello. Ladies and gentlemen, the political excitement being over, we bring you that prominent citizen of Beverly Hills who has just elected dog catcher, Jack Benny. Hello again, this is the honorable Jack Benny talking. And Don, that was awfully nice of you, but I wish you hadn't mentioned anything about my latest triumph. I'm trying very hard to forget it. Yes, but Jack, I just can't figure out how a fellow like you would accept such a job as dog catcher. Don was all a misunderstanding. I thought I was running for mayor. Oh, well, I might as well make the best of it. Imagine me dog catcher with my bony legs. Oh, my God. Guys. It might be dangerous at that. When do you start your new duties? Oh, I've been working all week, but I better get a new pair of glasses for this job. Yesterday, I caught Bobby Breen three times. You did? Yeah, the last time he bit me. But you know, you know what burns me up, Don? Here, Andy Devine is mayor of Van Nys. Al Jolson is mayor of Encino, and I've got fleas. I found one on my arm this morning leaning on a shovel. He likes me so well, he's building. Just my luck. What's the matter, Jack? What are you raving about now? Oh, nothing, Mary. I'm just sore about the election, that's all. I'd make a darn good mayor of Beverly Hills, but they can't see it. Well, gee whiz, Jack. Haven't you got enough to do as it is? You're in radio, you're in pictures, and you give violin lessons on Tuesdays? What else do you want? Mary, if you're referring to my little group of pupils, I'm certainly not getting rich on them. You're not, eh? No. If I didn't sell them rosin and strings now and then, I'd hardly break even. Break even? You've been making plenty of profit on those violin strings, according to Winschel's column last night. Winschel, what did he have to say about it? He said, what prominent radio and picture star has been seen kidnapping cats? Well, he didn't necessarily mean me. He should have a line in his column saying, what feminine radio star wears plenty-looking hats? I wish you could see the one Mary's got on tonight. It's a Lulu, folks. It looks like an extra eyelid. What do you think of it, Phil? Phil didn't get her yet, Jack. He didn't. Old say, that reminds me. I must tell you, kid, something before Phil comes in. Is he burned up at me? What'd you do, cut a salary again? No. But Don, Don, remember that girl he brought to my party two weeks ago? Oh, you mean that beautiful brunette Barbara Whitney? Yes, Barbara. Say, Jack, didn't I see you and Barbara at the Wilshire Bowl last Monday night? That was us. Wilshire Bowl? Well, that's where Phil and his boys are playing, isn't it? Sure, that was the idea, Don. I took Barbara there to get Phil's goat, and you should have seen his face when we walked in. Was he burned up? Burned up, Don? You never heard such hot music from that orchestra, and you're like, oh. Tell him what happened when Phil introduced you on the floor, Jack. Oh, well, that was just a dirty trick. What was it, Barry? Well, Jack and Barbara were sitting at a table, so Phil asked Jack to stand up and take a bow. Now, Mary. And when he did, the guitar player hit him with a tomato. You'd have got a bigger laugh if you'd have set tomato. You know, you don't have to get ritzy on this program. Well, it's just lucky for Phil that I laughed it off and sat down. Well, firstly, Jack, I think it was a pretty cheap thing for Phil to do. Oh, I didn't care about getting hit with a tomato, Don, but the manager came over and wanted me to sign a contract to do it every night. What's the matter? Wasn't there enough dough in it? Oh, the money was all right, but that sort of thing was all right, but that sort of comedy is dated, you know. But Barbara and I had a good time anyway. I got enough pleasure just watching Phil squirm. Say, Jack, who was that fellow sitting at the same table with you? You know, that good-looking guy. Oh, that was a relative of Barbara from out of town, her uncle Louis. Hey, Jack, watch out. Watch out. Here comes Phil now. Oh, boy, is he burned up. I'm almost afraid to face him. Oh, hello, Phil. Hiya, Jack, old boy. How's my baby? Wow, and he burned up. Oh, he's just putting it on. Now watch me, Mary. Say, Phil, have you seen Barbara lately? Barbara who? You know who I mean, Barbara Whitney, the girl I took to your wheelchair bowl last Monday night. Oh, yeah, she brings a lot of guys in there. Mary, you see how mad he is? Hot diggity. I'm not mad about your taking Barbara out. Oh, not much. But if you ever come into my club again and start handing out cards, I'll have you thrown out. What cards? You know, the ones that say Jack Benny, violin lessons and supplies. See, he's trying to change the subject. Oh, boy, is he sizzling. Now, wait a minute, Jack. Let's get one thing straight. I'm not a bit jealous about Barbara. Oh, no, no. Well, I'm not. Oh, heaven forbid. Oh, of course not. Look, you took her out Monday night, didn't you? Yeah. Well, I took her out Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday. What do you know about that? Well, let me tell you something, Smarty. It's customary for a fella to send flowers to a girl, isn't it? Yeah. Well, I haven't seen Barbara since Monday night, and yesterday she sent me the most gorgeous box of roses you ever saw. I know she did. Yeah, what are you laughing at? I told her you were dead. Oh, so that's why that card had a black border. I thought it was something new. Phil, the next time you tell a girl that I'm dead and I'm not, you'll get yours. Huh, what a heel he turned out to be. Who's burned up now? I'm not burned up. I just can't imagine anyone doing a thing like that. That's all. Sing, Kenny. Kenny hasn't even heard yet. Well, all right. Don't holler at me. What are you going to play, Phil? Well, I'm going to play it. Well, go ahead and play it. We haven't got all night. Sing, Kenny. I mean, play, Phil. Put a dirty trick to do to a pal. That was you got me from the Mask and Wig show played by the Jello Orchestra and directed by a young man who at best read the wand ads. If you get what I mean, Maestro. What's the matter with you, Jack? Haven't you got a sense of humor? Sense of humor? Phil, I don't see anything funny in telling Barbara that I was dead. Oh, she'd have found out sooner or later. It's nothing to laugh at. It was an awful thing to do. Jack, you don't think for a minute Phil really said that, do you? Yes, I do. That guy would say anything. How about the time he told Carol Lombard that I wore a girdle? You were there. Yeah, they were snapping you all night. Now he's trying to get me in wrong with my girl Barbara. Your girl? What are you talking about? She was with me when you met her, wasn't she? Hello, Jack. Sure she was with you, but she can improve herself, can't she? Hiya, Phil. Improve herself. Ha, ha, that's a laugh. Well, the last time you, big boy. Mary, did you ever see such an all-around egotist? Hello, Mary. No, I haven't, Jack, but you're as bad as he is. Just to say, Mr. Harris, if you want to know something, I'm going to propose to Barbara. When? When his rheumatism gets better. He can't bend his knees this week. Oh, sticking up for him, huh? Hello, Don. Say, will you talk to me? Yes, Kenny. Now, look, kid, Jello has six delicious flavors, strawberry, raspberry, cherry, orange, lemon, and lime. So look for the big red letters on the box. Thanks, Don. You're a peach. Oh, oh, hello. Hello, Kenny. Say, Jack, what's a big argument all about? Oh, Phil and I were having a little discussion about my girlfriend, Miss Whitney. Well, see the girl you had with you at the Wilshire Bowl the other night? Yeah. Oh, were you there, Kenny? Hey, why didn't you come over to my table and say hello? I was afraid to. Why? Phil told me you had smallpox. Smallpox? Well, that's the worst yet. Kenny, you're a friend of mine. Why didn't you come over anyway? Well, I went out to get vaccinated, and by the time I got back, you were gone. Oh, so Harris told another lie, huh? Well, he just soared because I took his ex-girl, Barbara, up to his place and danced every dance. Wait a minute. You danced every dance with her? All right, so the waiter had one little fox coming. What's that? Well, that's unusual, Jack. Why did you let the waiter dance with your girl? Oh, I don't know. It was either that or give him a tip. Now, Mary, that had nothing to do with it. I just happened to know him. That's all. Say, Jack, who was that good-looking fellow sitting with you and Barbara at the table? Oh, that was a relative of hers from out of town, Heruncle Louis. Ha, ha, ha. Yeah. Heruncle Louis. That's rich. He was holding Barbara's hand all evening, wasn't he? Well, naturally, he hadn't seen her in a long time. Heruncle is bound to be a little affectionate. Well, somebody ought to tell her aunt. Hey, wait a minute. Say, maybe there is something to that. Oh, I... Gee, I can't believe that Barbara would... Gosh, she... She acted like she liked me, huh? Gee, I wish I could find out. Do you want me to ask her for you? No, Phil. I'll ask her myself. Why don't you use my system? Just walk right up to her and hear on the back and say, Listen, babe, how do we stand? Kenny, Kenny, you're a nice boy and all that, but don't try to tell me anything about women. Oh, yeah? I've been slapped more than you have. You're happier than I am, too. Well, I suppose I'll have to go on guessing. Oh, Jack, I just thought of something. I know how you can find out whether Barbara likes you or not. How? Well, come here a minute and I'll whisper to you. All right. Mm-hmm. Uh-huh. Go away, Kenny. Mm-hmm. Say, it might work at that. Should we do it now? Sure, why not? Okay. Hey, fellas, carry on with the show, will you? Mary and I have to go someplace. Where are you going, Jack? Never mind. I'll tell you later. Hey, Rochester, get my car ready. We're leaving right away. Did you get fired? No. Come on, Mary. Sing, Kenny. See you later. Gee, I hope this works. I'm Baralas. I'm Baralas. Toodle-lama-lama, toodle-lama-lama, toodle-lally. Any umber-ralas, any umber-ralas, two picks today. Bring a parasol. It may be small. It may be big. I repair them all with what you call a thing of magic. Pitter-patter-patter, pitter-patter-patter, it looks like rain. Let it pitter-patter, let it pitter-patter, don't mind the rain. I'll mend your umbrella and go on my way. Sing, toodle-lama-lama, toodle-lally. Toodle-lama-lama, toodle-lally. Any umber-ralas, two picks today. And there's a lull, and things are dull. I sharpen knives for all the wives in the neighborhood. And I'm pretty good. I'll darn a sock, or set a clock, an apple-card, a broken heart, I mend any thing. Toodle-lama-lama, toodle-lama-lama, toodle-lally. Any umber-ralas, any umber-ralas, two picks today. I'll patch up your troubles and go on my way. Sing, toodle-lama-lama, toodle-lally. Toodle-lama-lama, toodle-lally. Any umber-ralas, two picks today. Sing, your parasol, it may be small, it may be big. I repair them all with what you call a thingamajig. Oh, lingo. Toodle-lama-lama, toodle-lally. Toodle-lama-lama, toodle-lally. Any umber-ralas, two picks today. Take it easy, Rochester. Hey, Mary, you sure you know where the place is? Yes, Jack, I'm stopping so fidgeting. Gosh, I've never been in this neighborhood before. Anyway, I feel funny about going to a fortune teller. Well, this one is marvelous. She'll tell you things that'll make your hair stand up. She will? She can't do it to me. Never mind, Rochester. Hey, we're not going to a fire. Slow down. Okay, boss. I hate to see that even the sun goes... And stop that singing. By one entertainment, I'll put in a radio. A radio in this car would stand out like a bathroom in a log cabin. Now, and stop arguing. You nearly hit that truck. See, the way you drive, I'm surprised you don't get a ticket. I'll never get a ticket driving this car. Why not? All the cops think it's a mirage. Now, don't be so comical. See that fortune teller lives in a spooky neighborhood. Are you sure we're going the right way, Mary? We'll be there in a minute. It's 10-02 Dracula Drive. Dracula Drive? Turn left at this corner, Rochester. Yes, sir. Rochester, when you make a left turn, you're supposed to stick out your hand. I did that last time, and the steering wheel went with it. Now, you better have that fixed immediately. Oh, Jack, why don't you trade in this piece of junk? I'm going to, Mary. I'm trying to get an allowance of $400. You couldn't get $400 on this car? The cushions were stuffed with government bonds. I couldn't, eh? That's a good one, Miss Livingston. Shut up! And by the way, Rochester, I thought I told you to wear a chauffeur's uniform while you're driving. That ain't gonna help things any. Well, do it just the same. Uh, say, Jack, there's a place over there, that old frame building. Gee, it's a funny-looking dump, isn't it? Stop right here, Rochester. Okay. Yes, right up against the telegraph pole. Well, we ought to help Briggs. I'm tired of throwing that anchor out. We're here anyway. Yeah, there's a sign. Uh, Madam Zombie's psychic revealed your past, present, and future. Screen-o every Thursday night. Hmm, just our luck to come on Sunday. Gee, this is a weird-looking place. Hey, Rochester, we'll only be a few minutes. Wait out here for us, will you? I ain't gonna stay out here all alone in this neighborhood. Oh, all right, then come along with us. What a creepy place. Ring the bell, Mary. There's the button. Okay. Gee, that's a peculiar bell. Nobody home, let's go! Give him a chance and stop trembling. Here comes somebody now. How do you do? Uh, how do you do? My name is Jack Benny. I came here to see Madam Zombie. She's occupied at present. Won't you come in? Yes. Come on, Mary, you too, Rochester. Madam Zombie is busy with a client. In the meantime, you may be seated. Thank you. It's kind of hard to see in here, isn't it, huh? This place is darker than the telephone booth in Harlem. Quiet, Rochester, and where are you? Yeah! Well, open your eyes so I can see you. Right now, I'd give two dollars for a coal miner's hat. Just put a candle on the one you're wearing. That'll do. Now, pardon me, mister, but I hope we won't have to wait very long. Did you have an appointment, or are you the reckless type? Well, I had no appointment, but I'm quite anxious to have my fortune told. You see, I want to find out whether a certain girl loves me. Well, I've never seen the young lady, but offhand, I'd say no. Well, offhand, I didn't ask you. When can I see Madam Zombie? Have patience. She is now communing with the spirit world. I can stand and drink myself! Rochester, now where is Madam Zombie? At present, she is flying through space, and when she returns, you will be summoned. I see. What was that? I didn't hear anything. You didn't? Rochester, did you hear anything? Rochester! Rochester! I'm out of the car, boy! Now, how did he get through that door without opening it? It's got a keyhole, ain't it? Oh, that's right. Say, mister, I wonder how long we'll have to wait. Not very long now, Mr. Benny. Excuse me, please. I'll call you later. Mary, this is an awful place you've brought me to. I wish I hadn't come. Yeah, it is kind of spooky. Yeah. Candy, popcorn, peanuts and program. You can't tell one spirit from another without a program. That's just a racket. Mary, why you ever brought me to a joint like this? I'll never know. Now, are you sure this Madam Zombie knows her business? Oh, certainly, Jack. She's wonderful. Well, that's good. Are you going to have your fortune told too? No, I'm just going to collect my commission and get out of here. Oh, I get it. Well, Mary, you ought to be ashamed of yourself. Oh, quiet. Here comes that werewolf again. Oh, yeah. Oh, you're still here. We're ready for you, Mr. Benny. At last. If you'll follow me, I'll take you to the mystic chamber. The inner sanctum of Madam Zombie. Gee. Gee. Enter. This is an odd-looking room here. Mary, do you smell that incense? It reminds me of that perfume I gave you for Christmas. Remember? Yeah, open the window. There she is. Madam Zombie, I have brought you another client. One who seeks your advice and counsel. Very well. I shall guide him. You may go now, Junior. At once. Uh, how do you do? Sit right down here, Mr. Benny. Now tell me, what is your problem? Madam Zombie, I'd like to find out whether a certain girl is fond of me or whether I'm pursuing a false dream. Can you help me? Yes. Now gaze with me into this crystal ball. Concentrate and think only of your question. Yes, Madam Zombie. Wait. Wait. I'm waiting. No. Now I'm in a trance. I see little things creeping and crawling about. Little things. Oh, what are you laughing at? She's got ants in her trance. Mary, you'll break the spell. Madam. Madam Zombie, are you still in the trance? Yes. Oh, now it comes to me. I see a tall, beautiful brunette with sparkling eyes and a dazzling smile. Is her name Barbara? Yes. And I see her holding a man in her arms. She's kissing him. Kissing him? Is it me? No, no, no, no. Is it Phil? No. Well, we're having say- I can't believe it. I can't believe it. You're a fake, Madam Zombie. You don't know anything. You don't even know how many flavors Jell-O has. It has three. You're wrong. Four. Wrong. Five. Wrong. Seven. It has six flavors. Six. I knew you were a crook. You're a phony, Madam Zombie. I'm not going to pay you for the visit. I'm not surprised. I saw that in the crystal, too. Oh, you did, eh? Well, come on, Mary. Let's go. No, you don't, wise guy. Hey, butch. Butch. What do you want, Mamie? I got a deadbeat here. Give him the work. Okay. Mary, take my arm. I could have told you that ten minutes ago. Well, why didn't you? I was holding out for your neck. Oh. If you want your guests to mean it when they say that dinner was simply grand, here's all you have to do. Serve this grand new dessert Jell-O butterscotch pudding. It's creamy, smooth, and mellow, rich with good old-fashioned butterscotch flavor. It's lovely to look at with a tempting toffee color, and it's swell to eat with real homemade goodness, smooth and luscious. And Jell-O butterscotch pudding is only one of three new Jell-O puddings. There's Jell-O vanilla pudding, delicate, creamy, and inviting, and a Jell-O chocolate pudding, a prime favorite made a new and better way. For all three Jell-O puddings are amazingly quick and easy to prepare, and they're made with the same fine, wholesome ingredients you'd use yourself right in your own kitchen. So try all three. Ask your grocer tomorrow for Jell-O butterscotch, vanilla, and chocolate pudding. Gosh, my ankle hurts. Drive slower, Rochester. Okay, boss. This is the last number of the seventh program in the new Jell-O series, and we'll be with you again next Sunday night at the same time. Oh, my ankle. Rochester, stop at the first drug store when we come to, will you? Mary, will you run in and get me some liniment? Sure, Jack. Give me the money. Oh, never mind. I probably got some at home. Good night, folks. Oh, this ankle. J-E-L-L-O. J-E-L-O puddings on the Jell-O program for courtesy of Mervin and Roy Productions. This is an actual broadcasting company.