 Yes. The Aberdeen Costello Program, starring Bud Abbott and Lou Costello, brought to you by Camel, the cigarette of costlier, properly aged tobacco. The Aberdeen Costello Program, with the music of Carl Hoff and his orchestra, a singing star Amy Arnell, and spotlighting that chunky, chubby little cherub, who went caught putting a stick of dynamite in his Uncle Lardy Stebbins hat because he heard him say he felt like blowing his top, calmly said, I betcha makes me feel key. I'll say it would be, Costello. Costello for heaven's sakes. What is that outfit you've got on? I'm gonna join Circus. These are my Circus tights. Circus tights? That thing you are wearing is nothing but a suit of long underwear. Long underwear? I thought I had an awful big hip pocket. Go take that outfit off and forget about the Circus. Oh, but I can't forget about the Circus habit. I come from a family of Circus people. Uncle Lardy Stebbins was the world's greatest tightrope walker until he broke his neck. How did he break his neck? One night he got up to walk the rope. He was tight and the rope wasn't. Boom! Will you please talk? Fox and Costello. Oh, then I had another uncle in the Circus. He was seven feet tall. Seven feet tall? Yeah, he used to stick his head in the lion's mouth. What's his name? Now we call him Shorty. Shorty? Costello, what could you possibly do in a Circus? Oh, I like to take care of the animals. I love animals, Abbott. Just consider the elephants. Oh, what's so marvelous about the elephants? I wrote a poem about elephants. You did? Let's hear it. Elephants are useful friends. They have handles on both ends. When elephants travel, they don't have to pack. They have a trunk in the front and a suitcase in the back. Costello, will you stop this nonsense, please? But really, I love animals, Abbott. Yesterday I was watching a Circus parade and an old mama kangaroo was crying her heart out. So I walked up to her and I said, poor mother kangaroo, why are you crying? And she says, my son ran away and left me holding the bag. That's all. That's all. I've heard enough. Ah, because. Go ahead. Oh, Abbott, I love all animals except the whiffs enough. Yeah, well, that's whiffs enough. What's that? That's a little animal with black fur with a white stripe down its back. You idiot, that's a skunk. That's what I said, a whiffs enough. A whiffs... Costello, you know absolutely nothing about wild animals. Tell me, have you ever had a biting, kicking, clawing-wild thing in your grasp? Yeah, last night at the playroom. I said, no, no, no, no, no. And then I get scratched. I don't mean... I mean, you don't seem to understand. I mean, have you ever been big game hunting? Oh, I do that every night on Hollywood Boulevard. You go game hunting on Hollywood Boulevard? I beg your pardon, I thought you said game hunting. No, no, no. Please answer my question. Have you ever come face-to-face with a savage animal in the jungle? No, you're talking my language, Abbott. One time I climbed up a tree and I bagged a ferocious lion. You went up a tree after a lion? No, he come up after me. And you bagged him? I did. I bagged him to go away. Then what happened? Then my brother came to my rescue and I finally brought the lion home stuff. What was he stuffed with? My brother. With your brother? Castell, if you're so fearless, if you're so fearless around wild animals, you don't have to join a circus. I can get you a job here in the next Tarzan picture with Johnny Weismauer and Marine O'Sullivan. Oh, do I have to make love to Mr. Sullivan? No, Weismauer does that. Oh, I see. I'm just one of O'Sullivan's heels. No, no, no, no, no, Castell. You're going to be the stuntman. You see, in this picture, Weismauer is supposed to save Mr. Sullivan. Are you listening to me? I'm listening. My tights have fallen down. Pull them out. Come out with those kind of things on them. We'll be wearing those kind of tights. What's wrong with you? Now, listen to this. Weismauer is supposed to save Mr. Sullivan from a man-eating lion. Yeah. But instead he calls for you to fight the lion. Well, how can he call? Why? I'll be in Paterson, New Jersey. Castell, this lion is tame. So am I, but I get hungry. I know. How much money do I get for fighting the lion? Oh, what you care about the money is the experience you need. Now, here's the scene. You're my stuntman, and I'm Johnny Weismauer. You're Johnny Weismauer? Yes. You must have left your muscles home and you ought to suit. No, no. I'm just trying to paint you a picture. Well, don't smear it up in the middle. All right. We'll keep quiet a minute, please. I'm going to slunk through the jungle on all fours. First, I slunk through the bushes. Then you slunk through the bushes. Then I slunk again. You slunk twice as much as I do. Are you sure that ain't slink? I slink again. Now, never mind. What's the difference? A lot of differences. No joke now. Will you keep quiet? Listen, I'm not looking for jokes. Now, keep quiet. I'm serious. I've got you out in the jungle. Now, keep quiet. And are you lost? No, no, no, no. Now, what's your step, please? What's your step and follow me? Come on. Wait a minute. Was that a lion? Well, it wasn't something I had. Quick. Peek through the bushes there. Do you see anything? Yeah. There's a mama lion and a papa lion. Where are the cubs? They're playing Brooklyn this week. Watch out, Castella. Here comes a lion. What am I going to do? Do whatever the lion does. He's staring at you. I'm staring back at him. He's showing his teeth. I'm showing my teeth. He's wagging his tail. Suddenly, suddenly the lion sees Mr. Sullivan. And he gets ready to spring. Moving closer, Castella, so he'll get you instead. Wait a minute. How much money am I getting for this? Oh, what do you care about the money? It's the experience you need. Here comes a lion. Sand. What do you mean, quick sand? Quick. Sand for help. The lion runs by you. Grab him by the mane. The mane what? Mane, mane. Lion's neck. Let him neck. I'm not in the mood. Quick, Castella, grab the lion in your bare hand. Wait a minute. How much money did you say I'm getting? What do you care about the money? It's the experience you need. Finally, you defeat the lion. And there he goes slinking through the bushes. That's better. Slinking through the bushes. There am I slinking. I slushing it makes no difference. Slinking through the bushes. Even the lion slinks in this picture. Well, that laid that. Now, I'm lost, too. Oh, Sullivan is so happy he throws her. She throws herself into the hero's arms and kisses him. That's what I've been waiting for. Come into my arms, babe. Wait a minute. Castella Weissmuller is a hero. You're just a stuntman. But I saved her life. Why can't I kiss her? You're not being paid to kiss her. What do I care about the money? It's the experience I need. Have you heard? According to a recent nationwide survey, more doctors smoke camels than any other cigarette. Yes, more doctors named camels than any other cigarette when three leading impartial research organizations surveyed 113,597 doctors from coast to coast. What cigarette do you smoke, doctor? Was the query. And the brand most named by doctors was camel. Well, doctors like all of us smoke for pleasure. The rich, full flavor and cool mildness of camel's costlier tobaccos are just as appealing to their tastes and throats as to millions of tastes and throats the world around. If you yourself are not smoking camels now, well, try them on your T-zone. That's T for taste and T for throat. Perhaps you too will find that camels suit your T-zone to a T. Carl Hoff and the Camel Orchestra featured the top rhythm favorite, Sue City Sue. Job in the circus, eh? Yeah, stick around, Abbott, until I get through watering these elephants. Here, jumbo, here's your first bucket full. Oh, come on, jumbo. Do I have to stick your head in the bucket? Castello, the other end is his trunk. Oh, ho, yeah. I have a hole of his fleece. Here you are, jumbo. Castello, did you tie a knot in his trunk? True of the elephants. Let's go over to the midway and have some fun, eh? Shut up, folks. The greatest array of freaks in the world. Come in and see the U-Bangley, the only girls in the world that can lick an envelope after it's in the mailbox. Hey, you fat boy. Dependency the snake charmer, the human skeleton, the tattooed lady, all for a quarter. I won't pay a quarter to go in there. Say, ain't you, Luca, Castello? That's me. You can go in for nothing. Curiously, they're all freaks. Can it become a dog face, boy? When I was a baby, I was scared by an airdale. What's your excuse? Who is that young lady waving to us? You boys. Oh, it's the actress, Bessie Mimuccio. Hello, Bessie. Oh, I'm having such a jolly time here, looking at all the attractions. Could I offer you, boys, some of my croaker joke? Croaker joke? Ah, sure, Abby. You know what croaker joke is? That's poop corn, peep corn. Miss Muccio, have you seen any of the wild animals? Oh, yes. I saw the moon-key. You're quaint. Do you, by any chance, come from all Obama? No, I come from Putterson, New Jersey. You see, the acrobots perform. A bone swar, Monsieur, to you. And a bony squaw and a sword to you, too. There, holy smoke, Castello, is her old friend, Scotty. Hey, Scotty, come here. What's the matter? I'm going to sue the circus. I was watching the bear-back rider, and somebody stepped on my face. How could it? How could anybody step on your face? Well, I was crawling under the tent at the time. The whole circus is a fake anyway, laddies. I just bought a big bag of cotton candy. What's the matter with it? It was pot rayon. Well, laddies, I go find a place to sleep here at the circus. Scotty, mean you're going to sleep out here at the circus grounds tonight? Aye, laddie, I can ride into town with a parade tomorrow and save car fare. Put my laddies. Gentlemen, I'm the India Rubberman. Have a smoke on me. Chief, thanks, India Rubberman. This is a big day in my life, boys. Congratulations. Oh, you have an addition to your family? Yes. My wife just presented me with a seven-pound hot water bottle. I bet if his wife ever has twins, it'll be a pair of rubber boots. Never mind him. Here comes the bearded lady. I've always wanted to meet one of them. Hey, Abba, there's no such thing. That's a man. No, it isn't. Hello, bearded lady. Hello. You're not really a lady. You're a man, ain't you? Oh, darn it, a fella can never keep a secret. Estello, is everything around this circus a phony? No, look. Here comes something genuine. It's the biggest attraction in the circus habit, the human skeleton. Hello, skeleton. I beg your pardon. Uh-uh. It's Mrs. Niles. Now, just a moment, Costello. Are you implying that my wife is skinny? Can't if she swallied a bottle of olives, she'd look like a string of beads. Costello. You're working here. Now, if you insult the customers, you'll lose your job. Now, remember that. Oh, Costello. So you're with the circus, eh? Why aren't you in your cage? Well, I just stepped out. Mrs. Niles, maybe I only have a little job now bringing water to the elephants, but next week I'll have a bigger job. A bigger job? Yes, ma'am. I'm gonna wash the elephants. Next week you may not be with the circus. My wife happens to be chairman of the women's charity club that was responsible for this circus. Yes, Costello. I'll have you know that I helped bring this circus to town. What did you do? Pulled one of the wagons? Now, just a minute, Costello. You can't compare my wife to a horse. You're right, Ken. Her ears are too long. Kenner, did you hear what he said? My ears is too long. Are you gonna let him get by with that? No, dear. Costello, that should read, her ears are too long. I'm not that educated, Niles. Just because you're running for mayor of Studio City, what are you gonna be, the old gray man? Never mind him, Kenners. Costello, I'm going to the manager of this circus and have you thrown off the lot. Don't do that, Mr. Niles. Please don't get me fired. I need the money for my animals. Last year I went in the rabbit business and I lost a lot of money. You did? Yes, ma'am. I bought two rabbits. And do you know how many rabbits I have now? How many? Two. The men didn't tell me they were brothers. Picture this. Black Knight, a city asleep. It's three o'clock in the morning, darkness. Darkness except for one intense and concentrated blaze of light. A white searching light high in a tall building. The building is a hospital, and it's an emergency case. That light says doctors at work. Twenty-four hours a day, the doctor stands sentry duty guarding the health and welfare of mankind. He doesn't want bouquets. He isn't interested in making speeches and taking bows on the magnificent job he does. He's just interested in doing that job with all the skill and devotion he has. The makers of camels cannot help but take great pride in the standing of this cigarette with the men of the medical profession. In a recent nationwide survey of 113,597 doctors conducted by three leading impartial research organizations, this query was put forth. What cigarette do you smoke, doctor? The brand most named was Camels. Yes? According to a recent nationwide survey, more doctors smoke camels than any other cigarette. For camel fans everywhere, here is lovely Amy Arnell to sing. Shoo-Fla-Pie An apple-pan-dowdy makes your eyes light up. Your tummy say howdy. Shoo-Fla-Pie An apple-pan-dowdy I never get enough of that wonderful stuff. Shoo-Fla-Pie An apple-pan-dowdy makes your sun come out When heaven's all cloudy. Shoo-Fla-Pie An apple-pan-dowdy I never get enough of that wonderful stuff. Mama Mama I don't want cake. Mama Oh, my say Go to the oven and make some ever-loving An apple-pan-dowdy makes your eyes light up. Your tummy say howdy. Shoo-Fla-Pie An apple-pan-dowdy I never get enough of that wonderful stuff. Your tummy say howdy. Shoo-Fla-Pie An apple-pan-dowdy Tell that young man, Costello, I was over by the bear's cage feeding the little cubs some cookies. You're giving cookies to the bear cubs? Yeah, they were cupcakes. Why do the writers make me say things like that? Costello, I went to the manager and told him that you insulted me and this time young man, I think I have fixed your wagon. And you got just the wagon tongue that can do it. Costello, she's trying to tell you that you're going to be fired. Mrs. Niles, why did you have to go and do that? I didn't really mean what I said. I think you're really a beautiful woman. You have lips just like petals. Rose petals? No, bicycle petals. Oh, I've never been so insulted in all my life. I'm going right back to the manager. Well, Costello, what are you going to do now? Oh, who cares about her? Hey, look, Abbott, look. Look over there. The dancing girls are coming out on the midway. Come on. All right, folks. Step right up and meet that great dancing girl, Princess Zaza. Zaza? Zaza. Zaza, purdy name. Now the Princess Zaza has the cleverest pair of feet in the world of toxicory. But I warn you, don't watch your feet too closely or you'll miss her dance. And here folks is the lovely Princess in person. And now, ladies and gentlemen, I will fill any request numbers. Now, what would you like for me to do? Come on over here and kiss your poor old father. Such a cute little man, Monsieur. Ah, Princess Zaza, you have a figure like Venus. For that, you may hold my hand. You are as beautiful as Helen of Troy. For that, you may put your arm around my waist. You are as bewitching as Cleopatra. For that, you may squeeze me. If I could only think of a couple of more names. Ah, ladies and gentlemen, such a cute little man, but you are too fat. You should take setting up exercises. I wouldn't have to take him if I was set up like you. All right. Best of all, you're holding up the show. Yes, folks, step up, get your tickets on the inside. You'll see the princess dance and what a dance. She moves her muscles in every direction. Are you going to buy a ticket, little fat boy? Yeah, but don't move anything until I get there. Oh, it's you, Costello. I've been looking for you. What are you doing here, Melaned? I'm the manager of this circus, have it? All my life I've spent under the big canvas. Don't look now, but your head is pushing through it. Costello, I don't want any more cracks about my shiny dome. You'd better get it back to the crystal gazel before she misses it. I see a Ford in that head. Never. I'm talking about the head. Now, look here, Costello, I didn't come here to argue with you. I've had a complaint about you for Mrs. Niles and your fire. Now, get off the lot. Please, Mr. Melaned, don't make me leave my animals. I love them all. I even love that dangaroose kipawa in that cage. Dangaroose kipawa? That says dangerous, keep away. Please, Melaned, give Costello another job. You don't have to give him any M-O-N-E-Y. Well, all right. But he don't get any W-A-G-E-S. You guys don't have to spell in front of me. I don't like candy anyway. Well, Costello, I'll give you one more chance. I've got just the job for you. You see that hole in the canvas there? I want you to stick your head through it. What for? Well, you'll see a lot of people on the other side with baseballs in their hands. The game starts. Hey, Abbott, I'm going to see a baseball game. Maybe if I use my head, I can get one of those balls. All right, folks, step right up and hit the little boy on the head. And now, folks, step right up and hit the little... He means you, Costello. People throw baseballs at your head. John, if you hit you on the head, they get a pound of sugar. And all I get is a lump. Don't be silly. You can't get hurt. You've got a boy to have this job before me. Here he comes now. Step aside and let the stretcher get by. Hey, just a minute. I want to ask that kid on the stretcher a question. Hey, boy, how do you feel? Is your head all right? Oh, yes, it's quite perfectly all right. I feel absolutely normal. And I'm so happy you came to see me, Miss Lamar. I'm out of here. Costello, stay where you are. Keep your head in that hole. That's right, Costello. Now, here, I'll throw a few practice balls to show you how simple the game is. Get ready, Costello. Here comes the ball. Costello, get up. Get up off your knees and quit picking up that popcorn. I'm picking up my teeth. I quit. Oh, a coward, huh? I'll show you who's a coward. You got me into this and I'm going to set it with you. I do you take your coat off. Oh, yeah? There. My coat's off. And my coat's off. I do you take off your shirt. Oh, yeah? There. My shirt's off. My shirt's off. All right now, what are you going to do about it? I'll scratch your back if you'll scratch mine. Costello, that's Ken Miles yelling. Help! Help! Somebody do something. The doctor person, the lion's cage, and she went in after it. She's in there alone with the lions. Those poor lions. They'll have to defend themselves. Come on, Costello. We haven't got a minute to lose. Open the door and let Costello in. Yeah, open that door and you... Wait a minute, wait a minute. I just happen to think I got to see Princess Zaza right away. But we've got to wrestle the lion. You wrestle what you like and I'll wrestle what I like. Help! Help! Get in there, Costello. Here comes the lion, Costello. Grab him. Here comes the lion. I've got my hand where I'm... She hasn't even got any teeth. Costello, you fool. Hey, Costello, we'll be back for camel cigarettes in just a moment. And now tonight's salute to the men in the armed forces who won through to victory. Tonight we hail the men of Air Transport Evacuation Squadron 1, commended for outstanding heroism by the secretary of the Navy, for evacuating over 9,600 casualties from Okinawa, and for delivering over 2 million pounds of vitally needed war material to the island. In the face of hazardous weather and the still more hazardous enemy. Since the beginning of the war, the makers of camels have sent more than 150 million free camels to our fighting men overseas. But now with demobilization in progress, free camels are sent to servicemen's hospitals instead. This week the camels go to Veterans Hospital, Lake City, Florida, U.S. Army, Old Farms, Convalescent Hospital, Avon, Connecticut, U.S. Naval Hospital, San Diego, California, U.S. Marine Hospital, Buffalo, New York, and Veterans Hospital, Mendota, Wisconsin, in your honor, men of Air Transport Evacuation Squadron 1. Broadcasts go out to the United States twice a week. Our re-broadcasts to practically every area in the world where our men are stationed, and to our good neighbors in Central and South America. And I'll hear a bite of Abbott and Luke Costello with the final word. You made quite a hit tonight, Costello, as a land aimer. That's nothing, Abbott. If the people in the studio audience will wait for the programs over, I'll do some stunts on the flying trapeze right over your heads. No, no, not that. This guy weighs a ton. If he pulls on you, you'll be a free spot. Get out, everybody! Get out! Wait a minute, wait a minute. Don't run out on my circus. Your circus? Why, you fathead, you don't know the first thing about a circus. You couldn't tell one animal from another. Oh, yeah? Yeah. Tell me, Fatso, what's the difference between a horse and a mule? Well, there's really only one anatomical difference. A mule is a hybrid animal with elongated ears. Well, I had the right answer that time, didn't I? Yeah. But only another jackass would have known it. Is it? Good night, folks. Good night. Good night to me. Be sure to listen in next week for another great Abbott and Costello show brought to you by Camel Cigarettes. And remember, try camels in your T-zone. See if they don't suit your taste, your throat, to a T. C-A-M-E-L-S. Question. What pipe tobacco is smoked in more pipes year after year than any other tobacco on earth? Answer, Prince Albert tobacco, of course. Because Prince Albert is choice tobacco, crimp cut to burn slower and cooler, and specially treated to remove tongue bite. For more smoking pleasure, put some Prince Albert in your pipe and smoke it. Saturday night, be sure to listen to Prince Albert's Grand Ole Opry. You'll hear Red Foley, Grand Ole Opry's sensational new singer. He's got a voice that's romantic as moonlight on the mountains, warm as southern hospitality. And the way Red Foley sings our great American folk songs makes mighty fine listening. Remember, Grand Ole Opry, Saturday night on NBC, with the Duke of Paducah, Mini Pearl, and Red Foley. Be sure to listen at this very same time next week for another Abbot and Costello show for camel cigarettes. Thursday night is all-star night on NBC. Stay around now for Rudy Vowley over most of these stations. This is Ken Niles in Hollywood, wishing you all a pleasant good night. For camels. It's time to see the last little broadcast in company.