 RCA Victor, world leader in radio, first in recorded music, and first in television, presents the Phil Harris Alice Faye Show. Your enjoyment here is the Phil Harris Alice Faye Show, transcribed, written by Jack Douglas and Marvin Fischer, with Elliot Lewis, Walter Tetley, Janine Roos, and Whitfield, the orchestra under the direction of Skip Martin, and yours truly, Bill Foreman. Springhouse cleaning is finished long ago in most American homes, as I'm sure it is in yours. But have you checked up on one of the most valuable and pleasure-providing things in your home? I'm talking about your RCA Victor television set. Yes, this month is tune-up, check-up, clean-up time for RCA Victor television sets. And your RCA service company branch will do the job for the special low price of $7.50. This special spring check-up consists of 12 separate and important services, including kinescope adjustment, testing of overall performance, thorough examination and cleaning of chassis, and inspection and adjustment of your antenna. Tune-up, check-up, clean-up, all for just $7.50. Call your local RCA service company now. See the yellow pages of your telephone directory or the number of the branch nearest you. Remember, America's finest television deserves America's finest service. And now the stars of the RCA Victor program, Alice Faye and Phil Harris. As everyone knows, there are thousands of ways to lose money in Hollywood, but it's accepted that one of the most sure-fire ways is to write and produce your own movie. Unfortunately, Phil Harris doesn't know this. Even now, he's in an office. He rented especially to write a motion picture scenario. Yeah, I haven't tried out this typewriter yet. I hope it's fast enough for me. Curly, you surprise me every day. Can you typewriter? Can I typewriter? Don't ask them foolish questions. Just get this. Who'd you borrow that typewriter from, J. Arthur Rank? Elliott had came with the office. Now, I wish you wouldn't bother me. I happen to be concentrating on a very important scene. Now, you see, Elliott, the heroine of the picture is a very beautiful country girl. She's out walking. Now, what she does next will be at the whimsy of the author, which is me. I don't know whether to have her tarry in the garden, linger in the meadow, or just dwaddle down the lane. Dwaddle? Yeah. Is she dressed for her? Look, Elliott, when will you learn that when we authors get into a creative mood, silly questions like that last one destroys the spell? Well, gee, Curly, I'm only trying to learn. How do you write a story anyway? Well, I don't know how Ernest Hemingway begins, but I always start with some sort of a simple basic plot. For instance, now, this story I'm working on now has to do with a girl named Genevieve, who is being pursued by two medical students through Heidelberg during the French Revolution. While unbeknownst to her, her father is hidden in her handbag a fortune in American Express money orders, which are being delivered to the Duke of Manchester, who will pay anything for the secret plans to the Duchess of Manchester. Sounds exciting. What are you going to call it? The Lawrence Welk story. Well, Elliott, will you please leave me alone now so I can focus my mind? Hey, look, Curly, if you write an English picture, will you write a British part in it for me? A British part for you. No matter, Clyde, you've been eating them Wheaties without your helmet on again. Curly, I'm serious. I can do a darn good British accent. Anybody can speak with an English accent. All you have to do is stick a teabag under your tongue and talk with the tag hanging out of your mouth. Later on, you can increase it to two teabags with two tags hanging out of your mouth. That way, if the breeze is just right, you not only talk like Ronald Coleman, you can also scare the fruit flies off the kumquat. Not to mention... All right, come on. We shall fight on the beaches. We shall fight in the streets. We shall fight even through the white cliffs of Dover until victory shall be ours. Every dominion and colony shall be defended like each precious jewel in Her Majesty's crown. Well, Elliott. Remember, my fellow countrymen, the Empire expects every man to do his duty... I know, I know, I know. And it does not matter whether you win or lose, it's how you play the game. Gee, Curly, how'd you know that? I read it on Basil Rathbone Shorts. Well, it's no use of me breaking my neck auditioning for you. You'll never get the money to produce the picture anyway. Who won't get the money? Who won't get the money? You listen to me, Elliott, are you forgetting that I'm married to the Encino branch in the Bank of America? And whatever I ask for, she'll give me. Curly, uh-uh. Oh, oh, Skeptic, huh? You gotta be shown, huh? Okay, Alice is in the other room. I'll ask her for a hundred thousand dollars and I guarantee you she'll jump at the chance. Yeah. Okay, you heard what I said, she'll jump at the chance. Alice! Yes, Phil? Will you lend me a hundred thousand dollars? I didn't think she'd jump in that direction. That gal's got a lot of kangaroo blood in her. Okay. Sir Phil, I don't know whether I heard you correctly. Did you say something about lending you some money? Yes, honey, it's a hundred thousand dollars, but purely as an investment, you see it's to finance the making of an epic motion picture. There's no gamble at all. No gamble? What do you know about producing motion pictures? You gotta know what you're doing. There are so many pitfalls in the making of a picture. She's right, Curly. I read about a producer the other day that was making his first picture. It was a prison story. All right, so what about it? Well, a big scene in the picture. All the convicts were banging on the bars of the cell doors with their tin cups yelling, we ain't gonna eat this slop. We ain't gonna eat this slop. He lost a fortune. I don't get it. Don't you see? The producer ordered 2,000 gallons of slop and the actors wouldn't eat it. He had to sell a whole thing to a rich pig. Now, you see what happens? What chances have dreamer gotten Hollywood? What this industry needs is optimism, not pessimism. That's right. Where would Cecil B. DeMille be today if he hadn't listened to Pinky Lee? Exactly. Who? Look, Alice, you're forgetting one thing. The story of a movie is important, but the most vital thing is in the casting. Now, if I could just get a new face. A girl who scintillates, who magnetizes, who vibrates. A girl who... Dwardles? No! I don't care what anybody says. I'm going ahead with this thing. And Alice, if you won't put up the money, I'm sure that RCA Victor would be more than glad to get into the motion picture business. In fact, I think... Anybody here? Hello, Julius. Uh-huh, Miss Faye. Julius, as we of the literati would say, Mr. Harris is deep in the throes of creation. In other words, he has kissed the lips of the goddess Thespis. That's nothing. The pigeon had his arm around me, and we were rehearsing for the police show. I know. I saw invasion on your wrist. All right, kid. Look, that's enough. Now, put the typewriter paper down and go back to the grocery store. I won't go to your... Well, look, Julius, Mr. Harris has an idea, and he's working on it. Oh, no. I remember the last idea he had. There was a jazzy project. He told you a thousand times, don't come in here and start... Okay. Why should I keep what I'm doing a secret? Look, kid, I rented this office and I'm using my creative brain to write and produce a full-length feature motion picture. Yes. Why is it so ridiculous for me to be a writer or a producer or anything else for that matter? In this country, you can accomplish anything if you set your mind to it. Possibilities, possibilities. We're living in a world that's full of possibilities. Ain't no miracle too impossible for anyone who sees the possibilities. If you recall your history, then you will find that all its famous men turned out to be the kind of men who never stopped to look behind. They looked ahead to see what they could see and they saw possibilities, possibilities. They never overlooked a single possibility, proven naturally. Opportunity is for the one who sees the possibilities. Each time we try to solve a new phenomenon, the skeptics say it's just a dream I know. But after you're a hero and the job is done, then you can tell them all I told you so. Yes, there are possibilities, possibilities. If you will only make the most of your facilities, folks will idolize. Even eulogize the little guy that sees the possibilities. When Christopher Columbus proved the world was round, he called Queen Isabel on his return. She said, now tell me Chris about this place you found. He said, well, well, as far as I'm concerned, it sure got possibilities, possibilities. I tell you, Queen, I've never seen such possibilities and I really feel we should make a deal before somebody sees its possibilities. When little Abe was growing up in Illinois, to be a big success was his intent. He studied so much harder than the other boys, till one day he became our president. He saw the possibilities, possibilities. He never overlooked a single possibility, proven naturally. Opportunity is for the one who sees the possibilities. I guess by now there ain't no doubt about the point I'm bringing out. So if you'll open up your eyes, you are bound to recognize the possibilities. Possibilities will live in a world that's full of possibilities. Ain't no miracle too impossible for anyone who sees the possibilities. The last word is the last scene in my screenplay. Gee, I'm glad I finally decided on doing an African picture. They've all been so successful. Narobi, Magambo, the naked jungle, Stalag 17. If mine, my picture is going to top them all. What an opening I've got. The jungle. It's night. Suddenly the silence is broken by the sound of a giant gorilla calling to her mate. Well, that was pretty good, but I think I can do it better. What's the matter, son? You got on the underwear with the cold buttons again? Dad, no, no. You see, Dad, I wrote an African movie story and I was just figuring how I'd direct the first scene. I'm going to produce it, too. That's good. Maybe you can find a part in the picture for your dad. A part for you? Well, look, Dad, I know that you've been in carnivals, showboats, stock companies, circuses, but, well, Dad, movies are different. I can't see how they'd make any difference. I was a leading man. I was the J. Warren Carrigan of my day. My son, the women, used to lose their minds over me. They used to throw themselves at my feet and clutch at my ankles. Hey, Dad, you must have loved that. No, no. It used to make my garter sad. Yeah, but those were the good old days. Hardly a night passed without some beautiful woman trying to force me to drink champagne out of her high-top shoe. Force you to drink champagne out of her high-top shoe? Man, you were living. No, a lot of it used to leak out through the buttonhole. Then one night it happened. I was on the operating table for six hours, had to have an arch support removed from my throat. Yes, well, look, Dad, look, I'd love to give you a part in this picture, but considering the money invested, I really couldn't take a chance. Well, Dad, you're just a little bit too old. Soon in show business, you're never too old. Well, do you know your grandmother was still performing at the age of 92? Four shows a day. At 92? What in the world was she doing? She was a Gucci dancer. She was known on the Columbia Burlesque Circuit as Tessie and her tantalizing castles. Well, your grandmother could wiggle, son. Dad! Don't say things like that. Well, it's true. She could tie a quart of milk to her left hip and churn her own butter. Dad! Now, wait a minute, Dad. Even if I am your own son, you can't expect me to believe a story like that. How could a woman 92 years old do a Gucci dance? Well, sir, it was accomplished scientifically. She used to sit in a rocking chair and start rocking. Then we'd take the chair away and she'd be on her own. I don't know. Well, thanks for coming, Dad. It's all right, son, anytime. I can't understand it. Anytime anybody finds out that you've written a play or a picture, they all want to be in it. My picture is good and I want the best actors I can get. What a picture this is going to be. I can just see it now. Africa, dark, sinister, dangerous, mysterious Africa. My name is Cape Town Phil. I'm a professional African guide and big game hunter. Leading people through the jungle ain't no easy racket. I wouldn't be putting up with all these hardships, but I can't go back to the States. I'm a fugitive. Well, it all began in the bank I was working in. All day long in that bank, I handled fabulous sums of money. Money all day, counting, counting, money, counting, counting. Working next to me was a beautiful blonde girl. Counting that money and watching her drove me crazy. Then one day something snapped and I found myself on a boat headed for Africa with a little black satchel. How I got that blonde and that little black satchel on me. Yeah, but she's gone now and I'm stuck with this rotten job. Jungle guide for amateur big game hunters. Big game hunters. Every batch of these sissies get worse. I say, oh boy, you Cape Town Phil, the professional guide. That's right. Is it true that you know every inch of this wild continent from the Gold Coast to Tanganyika? Yes. What do you want to know? Where's the washroom? I'd like to suds out a pair of patees. This Englishman was typical of the type client I was getting. Then I looked up and saw his wife. She was a different kind of woman. But I could see at once that she was the boss of this family because she walked over to me and said, I'm Cynthia Harcourt. I'd like to make you an offer to lead my safari. Would you be interested in sailing down the river with me? I'd be interested in swimming up a faucet with you. Yoics away, bully boy. Let's get on with the hunt. I shall shoot myself a gigantic elephant. You know something, Cape Town Phil. I like the looks of you. I like your looks too. I shall shoot myself a medium-sized tiger. You've got the bluest eyes I've ever seen, jungle boy. Your mouth is driving me crazy. I shall shoot myself a small monkey. Baby, I love you. I love you. I shall shoot myself. That's the way it always happens when there's a woman on a safari. Marry her. That's the way it always happens when there's a woman on a safari. Married or not, they always fall in love with me. And why not? I'm pretty hard to resist. You should see me in my pith helmet, my Sam Brown belt, and my leopard skin binoculars. But it was time to start on our long trek to the big game country. In Africa, I might tell you that your life may depend on your native helpers. I had a new crew, so I started checking them over. Uh, you there, you, uh, who are you? I'm a number two boy. I'm a plenty smart boy now. I go missionary school. I learn arithmetic. I count, one, two, three, four, five, six-hunter, seven-hunter, eight-hunter, nine-hunter, nine-hunter, nine-hunter. I had to do it. Okay, D. I couldn't afford to have anyone around who could count. Well, we were all anxious to get started, but we decided because it was so hot that we would wait until the sun went down. And in Africa, the sun always goes down exactly at six o'clock. And there it goes now. If it wasn't the son's fault, folks, the whistle was late. I thought that'd get more and that. Okay! Okay, everybody, safari! Although we were in the depths of the most dangerous jungle in the world, it wasn't the jungle that I was afraid of. I knew that Sir Elliot's wife was madly in love with me. She never really showed it in anything she said, but I knew she loved me. It was a tiny little guarded hint she gave me. Like the time she left the $1,000 bill pinned to my toothbrush. But I also knew that her husband knew that I knew that she knew that he knew that I knew that she knew that I knew. Now you know why I'm a guide. I'm going my way out of a sentence. Somehow I realized that Sir Elliot was approaching a showdown with me. One day he walked over to me and said, I say, old boy, you're looking jolly well today. I am? Yes. I can't understand it because I've been slowly poisoning you. What? Yes. Unbeknownst to you, old boy, I've obtained some genuine voodoo poison and I've been slipping it to you during the cocktail hour. Ooh, I've had quite a batch then, haven't I? Scoff if you will, you cad, but this poison has been slowly dissolving every bone in your body. Dissolving every bone in his body? But when they're all dissolved, what'll happen to me? Quite simple, old man. You'll just spend the rest of your life in a shopping bag. Why, you look, before my bones dissolve, I'll take care of you. There, take that. Although those voodoo poisons are almost 100% deadly, mysteriously I survived. Years have passed and Cynthia and I are now back in the States again and we're very happy, aren't we, Cynthia? I should say we are ecstatically happy. Yes, and today is an especially joyous occasion because it's my birthday. The gleaming silverware is on the table, the candles on the cake are lit and I can't stifle my curiosity any longer, Cynthia. What did you buy me for my birthday? Well, darling, you know, I've always had all the money I ever needed and I've known for some time that you wanted a new home to live in. So here it is. Cynthia, just what I want. A shopping bag with a belt in the bag. Alice, do you think a complete dinner for fifty will be enough? Fifty people? You're right, I'd better order for a hundred. A hundred people? Who's coming? Arturo Toscanini in his orchestra. Here in our living room? Sure, we gotta serve him something after the concert. What concert? The one you promised me. Oh, Phil, I meant we'd enjoy a concert on RCA Victor's new high-fidelity Victrola table phonograph. But Alice, the way you describe the music, it sounded so real, I thought... I know. Well, no ordinary phonograph can sound that good. Phil, you're right. But this is no ordinary table phonograph. It's high fidelity at its thrilling best. You hear all the original beauty of great music. The most delicate high notes and the most resounding bass notes. Rich, brilliant musics around you. It's an amazing sensation and there's a reason for it. Only RCA Victor brings you a compact three-speed table phonograph with a golden throat high-fidelity tone system. This is a perfect balance of the pickup, amplifier, speaker and cabinet, all of high-fidelity design and separate bass and treble controls. Another RCA Victor extra. Visit your RCA Victor dealer and hear recorded music played with amazing realism on the new high-fidelity Victrola table phonograph by RCA Victor. First in recorded music. Do like Bill says, folks, see your RCA Victor dealer tomorrow. Thanks for being so nice and good night, everyone. Good night, everybody. Included in this program transcribed were Dick LeGrand and Hi-Avabat. Part of Julius was played by Walter Tetley. The best in jazz comes your way on RCA Victor records. That's Ring Damn Bells from Lionel Hampton's new RCA Victor album of jazz classics, jazz in the old tradition. This album belongs in everyone's collection. Hear this great new Lionel Hampton album, Hot Mallets, on Long Play or 45 Records at your RCA Victor dealers now. NBC Radio Network Presidency. This is the NBC Radio Network.