 And the friend boy, William Foreman shows. The video shows are fortunate enough to have your dollars and that power you can do with all of these favorites. Wood, Matt is sometime this week stopped by your neighborhood R.C.A. Victor dealer. Pick up a 27-inch television set or a record player or something like that. We'd like to be up here next to you at the same time. Well, as you know, this year, Phil is out on his own. We're starting our new season. So I don't know if you want to send him off with a great big fanfare. So what do you say we all get together? Give a big welcome to the man who discovered this house. Phil has sex here. You're all applauding. You've got those smiles on your faces and your glasses. See me? And I just want to tell you I love you more because I need you. Jack Benning for 16 years. They ain't no money connected with that. Only that's on paydays taking a darkrook. If you want me to see that money, then I'll be down to fight. I want to make people right now. I want to tell you, please don't believe all of you here that I depend on Alice for my life. I don't visit that because, you know, that's like Benny being cheap. I mean, it's not like Benny being cheap. But I do not depend on Alice. I've had my own job. It's a very important job and I've had it now for 10 years. A lot of people try to take it from me and my boss says, no, there isn't anybody could do this job like Phil has. I'm a test pilot for seniors. Tell you, I don't know if you're... But don't stop me. I want to hear it again myself. You hear the story about the guy who walked the barber shop. He said, how many ahead of me? The barber says three. The guy went out and he don't come back. The next day he comes in again. He says to the barber, how many ahead of me? The barber says three. The guy goes out and he don't come back. Now the barber's going crazy, you know. The whole day on his feet with the scissors and all, you know. So he walks over to the boot black. He says, look, every day a guy comes in, wants to know how many he's ahead. I tell him he goes out and he don't come back. If he does it tomorrow, follow him. I want to know. Next day the guy came in, said to the barber, how many ahead of me? The barber says three. The guy went out to boot black. He came back in about 20 minutes. The barber says, where'd he go? Where'd he go? The boot black says to your house. And he got tired of it. He went to the barber and he had the barber put the part from here over to here. Then he had to give him bangs in front and bangs in the back. The kid said he got awfully monotonous because people kept coming up whispering in his nose. This guy's blind drunk and he fell out of a window. 12 stories up. He hit on the ground. Boom! He got around. He got up. He brushed himself off. The fellow walked up. He says, what happened? He says, damn fine. No, I just got here. I love you. I want to tell you this much. Whatever little success that we've attained, ladies and gentlemen, Alice Nye, in the past few years on our show is due to the listening of you nice people and to the fact that we have a wonderful organization which I'm very proud because... Oh, incidentally, I see a few fellas sitting around like sailors. And I want to tell you guys, it's always a pleasure to have you here. Especially in the Navy because I was in the Navy during the First War myself. I fought the Battle of Catalina. But... You're laughing. We lost eight lobster traps. But anyway, I do... You might get a kick out of this. They had a very unique way of collecting there and listed, man, according to what they'd done in private life when I went in. For instance, I went in with a couple of buddies of mine and one up was a street cleaner and they put him on a minesweeper. And this other buddy of mine was a construction guy. He tore down buildings and broke them up and everything and they put him on a destroyer. How I ever wound up on a ferry boat, I don't know. I loved it because we never got in rough water. It was always common. And all getting back to my organization that I am very proud of. Now you take for instance, everyone you see sitting on that stand does an outstanding job on his or her particular incident. He... We're very proud of him because we find that we have a genius on our hands. And I mean just that because, ladies and gentlemen, this boy has a tremendous record of him as much as he's already had two of his own competition plays in Hollywood Bowl. And he has been nominated six different times for the Academy Award. Motion Picture Academy Award. And last year he was nominated again for the Academy Award and just missed it by a few votes for the wonderful job that he did on the arranging and directing of all the beautiful music that you heard in a wonderful hands Christian Anderson story. Ladies and gentlemen, this is Walter Sharpton. He has to do that until he gets me in one of the pictures. It's been a long, long time. This is who's fault it is because without her, I don't think it would be possible. We've been married for 13 years now. And I'm just telling you this much that she's not only the most beautiful gal in the world, but this kid's got the talent. And Alice Spade. Here are the two little girls that play the part of Alice and still is on the program. They've been with us ever since we started. And night two, our two of the most competent little actresses we have in the business, Jeanine Roos and Anne Wittfield. Come on. Oh, it's a prize. She would get the prize, but okay. Here it is done. What's the matter, Alice? We've used on our program several times and we're just proud to have him on with us tonight because he's not only a terrific little actor, but he is what we call one of our great baseball authorities. Just because he loves the game so much, just because he loves the players, he loves everything that baseball stands for. He has taken time out, although he is in demand as an actor, he has taken time out to make a full study of the game. And if you like baseball, you saw him as one of the umpires at Hollywood last year on the Pacific Coast and a boy that is considered already after one year in our baseball out here being one of our outstanding umpires, aside from being a terrific actor, a wonderful kid, a nice hand for Gil Stratt, ladies and gentlemen. You're not supposed to applaud, you're supposed to boo. Now we get out and let's see where we are now. Oh yeah, here's a little kid who steals our show every week. We're very happy about it because we not only love him, but we know that he is clever and deserves it. Here's the kid that plays the part of the grocery boy, Julius de Bruzio, four boys who have been with us ever since we started. They also are responsible for all of those cute commercials that you hear on the Jack Benny program. Whenever we go out to play any dates, not like the Bears or anything like that, we wouldn't think of going without them. And if you ever see him bill like in Las Vegas or any place that you see him in the hotels and all, you'll see him because they are entertaining the latest style, the four sportsmen. Next little fella's the leader. Thanks for being so nice to me. I hope you enjoyed the program. Thank you. Ah, Julius, what do you think? Miss Faye, you'll make Daris quality day. All right, Mr. Sharp, I'm ready. I don't want to be a lonesome banana. I'll just hang around with the bun. And now the stars of the RCA Victor program, Alice Faye and Phil Harris. Phil Harris and Alice Faye are known as Phil Harris and Alice Faye. In private life, however, they are known as Mr. and Mrs. Alice Faye. They have two daughters, little Alice and little Phyllis. But time doing what time does, they're not quite so little as Phil would like to think. Phil, thanks. Harris, you are divine. You are sublime. You're a sensation. And you are all you're such a doll. Honey, if it ain't me, how dare I be so handsome. Oh, sewing something, huh? No, no. Just running a needle in and out of Alice's coat to improve the ventilation. Oh, that really helps, huh? Every time. Well, then what's the rush? Why don't you do it tomorrow? Well, it happens that Alice is going to a dance tonight with a date. Honey, I got news for you. No baby daughter of mine is going to no dance with no date. Not as long as I got anything to do with it. And I've got news for you, Mr. Van Winkle. A 14-year-old girl is not a baby. 14? But it seems like only yesterday I was putting her in her playpen. It wasn't. She's getting pretty tired of it. I just can't believe it. In only 14 years, how could she get to be 14 years old? He doesn't count the way you do. Telling people you're 25. I don't tell people I'm 25. I tell them that Alice is 14 and I was a father at 11. And they figure the rest out for themselves. Well, you can't be as juvenile all your life. Even Mickey Rooney grew up. Yeah, but not all the way. Pull down all them shades. What's the matter, Pop? Some of the guys from the band might be outside and she can't run in them high-heeled shoes. I like my strapless evening gown, Dad. Isn't it cool? Why shouldn't it be? There ain't enough of it to keep a hand. Isn't what you mean. And if you ask me, it's too far gone. I'll put some of it back on. You don't like the way I look. Yes, I do. Alice, honestly, I do. Well, it's just that... Well, I ain't seen this much of you since you had your first baby picture taken. Different from all the other girls? And this is a coming-out party. She's coming out all right. Looks like she's getting squeezed out of a tube of toothpaste. And what's more... Wait a minute, hold it, Clyde. Now what's the matter? Her lips, she's bleeding. Stop carrying on. That's lipstick. Lipstick? My baby daughter is wearing lipstick. Looks like you put it on with a trowel. Honey, he's here, he's here. And furthermore, I'm not... Father Easy, let's not get our little brain in a tizzy. Look, honey, I've... We'll talk about it later. Sniffy and... Why do I have to... Who? Sniffy. Poppy's wonderful. You call him Sniffy. We won't call him anything if you don't let him in. Now come on, fellas, come on, come on. Let's finish putting the... Finish touches on Alice, huh? Come on, mother, I'm so excited. Hope he's a doll. Oh, mush. Sniffy. Oh, there's a classy name. Sniffy. All right, I'm coming, I'm coming. The day's over. First thing you know, I'm gonna have gray hair. Or no hair. I'll be a grandfather. Oh, crawdad. Hi, curly old kid. Who you calling old? What's matter, something wrong, dad? And don't call me dad. Okay. You got a lot of nerve coming in here making cracks about how old I am. You ain't no spring chicken yourself, Clyde. Wait a minute, let's start this thing all over again. Hi, curly house tricks. Oh, come in and shut the door, will you? Beautiful night, ain't it? Not that I care one way or the other, but it seemed like a reasonable way to open the conversation. All right, Ellie, don't open no conversations. I'm full of problems. I got a lot of problems. Bad, huh? Oh, it's Alice, my little daughter. She's growing up. First thing you know, she'll get married. She'll be a mother, a grandmother. She'll be older than I am. What are you talking about, curling? Little Alice, she's going out with a guy. Oh, I see what you mean. What do you mean you see what I mean? What's wrong with her going out with a guy? Well, I remember the first time I went out with a girl and if I was you, I wouldn't let her. You may not know about these things like this, but there are some kids who don't go around peddling hot hubcaps and there are some young men that respect American womanhood. How about the first time you went out with a girl, Curly? I'll kill her. Now, let's figure this thing out. What do you know about this kid? Where's he taking her? Just to a school dance. The place will be loaded with chaperones. Uh-huh. How much can a loaded chaperone watch? How old is he? I don't know. 15, 20, 25? I'll tell you, I don't know. He's just a kid that... What do you mean 25? He's in the ninth grade with Alice. When I was 25, I was in the sixth grade. Yeah, and at the rate you were going, you'd gotten out when you were 50. See what I mean? Oh, Elliot, what am I going to do? About what? About Alice. I can't let her go out with a man 50 years old. You know, it's a good thing I showed up, Curly. You're going to watch these things. You suppose his wife knows about it? Whose wife? The kids. He's got a wife? Curly. You don't think he got to be 50 years old without a wife and kids, do you? The kids got kids? You know, this gets worse all the time. Look, Elliot, you've got to help me. You know me, Curly, my right arm up to there. Okay, but now we've got to be clever about this. You bet. Real clever. Biabolical. You know, something will be so clever that this guy will never know what happened. Right. There's only one other thing I've got to figure out. What's that, Curl? How do we do it? That's a problem. Maybe... I got it. We'll take him in the garage and stuff him inside of a tire. No! We'll work on it with sledgehammer. No, Elliot, no. We'll question him. That's all. We'll find out all about him. Hold it, Curly. There's a guy coming up the front walk. Let me see. See? Yeah. That's him, Sniffy. Pardon me? That's the guy, Sniffy. He's a clever devil, ain't he? 50 years old and made up to look like a kid of 15. Hell! Now look, Elliot. Yes? Go outside and grab him. Right. And Elliot. Yeah? I'll meet you in the garage in two minutes. I've got to get in the mood. Right. The story you're about to hear is true. The names have been changed to protect the actors. It was late when I got back to headquarters and I found three bodies piled in front of my desk. That was peculiar because I don't have a desk. It was Harris. My name is Friday. I mean it was Friday. My name is Harris. Suddenly a voice rang out in the dark in a weird mysterious voice. A voice that seemed to say... Is that your chief? Right here. Okay. Let's go to work. Close the door, Joe. Okay, Chief. Seven car garage. We don't pull around with no small stuff. You ready to start, Chief? Right. Shine the light, Isaac. Right. All right, sir. Start talking. Gosh, Mr. Harris. I don't know what this is all about. I came to take Alice to the dance and this man told me that I had to wait in the garage and I'm very confused. Besides, I don't like garage. I don't like garages because I'm allergic. Won't talk, huh? Now look, sir. Yes, Mr. Harris? This boy needs a new washer. Keep going, Chief. You're doing great. Okay. What do I do next? Ask his name. Right. What's your name, sir? Sniffy. You hear that, Elliot? His name is Sniffy. A clever alias for one whole water. Sniffy. Yes, sir. I can't keep calling him Sniffy. What's your right name, sir? My right name, Mr. Harris, is Odell Sneedon Hathaway. The third. Odell? Sneedon? Hathaway, the third. Look, Sniffy. Yes, sir? How old are you? I'm 15, sir. The likely story is 16. He's a dick. Elliot, did you stop interrupting? Sorry, Chief. Go ahead. Okay. Take over, Elliot. All right. Sniffy? Yes, sir? What more are you with? What? Take him, Chief. Right. Where do you work? I... Where do you live? I... Where were you on January 16th? Elliot. Sorry, Chief. Slip down. You want to take over? No. Go ahead. You're doing fine. Okay. Sniffy, now pay attention. What are your intentions toward my daughter? Well, if she don't bother me, I will bother her. Chief, might as well face it. We're not getting anywhere. We'll have to use force. Force? What kind of force? Oh, nothing elaborate. Maybe a few of the basic torches, like the Iron Maiden, Chinese Water Cure, listening to Guy Lombardo. Art Linkletter won't get it, huh? You better let me out of here, or I'll tell my father. Now we got him. I didn't want to go to any old dance in the first place. Just crackin' wide open. I don't like dances, and I don't like girls. And you better let me go home. Keep going, sir. You're doing fine. My father's the district attorney, and when I tell him what you did to me... Do you hear that chief's father's the who? The district attorney, that's who my father is. Uh... Take over, Curly. Paul came in the first place. That's what I should have done. Curly got it already. That's Sniffy. Oh, no, boy. You got us all wrong. As the ally, it's so wrong. He doesn't know why we brought him out into the garage, does he? He thought we were going to torture him. Well, all the time all we wanted to do was give him some tickets to the football game. In the garage? No, in the Coliseum. Oh, gosh, I thought you were mad at me or something. Us? Mad at you? Do you hear that, Elliot? He thought we were mad at him. Good old old Del Sneedy. Yeah, now look, Sniffy, here's a couple of tickets for the Rams game. Now go ahead out of here and have a lot of fun. Yeah, live it up. Have a ball. The Rams? Gosh. Thank you, Mr. Harris. Thank you very much. Yeah, give my regards to your father. Yeah, say hello to the DA. Goodbye. Curly. We did it. Oh, we got rid of him, didn't we? Wait till I tell Alex. Hey, boy, will she be tickled, huh? Hey, wait a minute, Elliot. What's that? We forgot one thing. What's that, Curly? We never found out how many kids he had. Alice, honey. Well, have you seen Sniffy? He was supposed to have been here 15 minutes ago. Tell her, Curly. Hey, honey, will you hear what we did? Just wait till you hear what... I can't understand it. He promised he'd take me. Oh, Alice, baby. Listen, you got nothing to worry about. We fixed that Sniffy character. We sniffed him good. You what, mother? Yes, sir, it'll be a long time before he comes messing around here again. You didn't send him away. Send him away? You hear that, Curly? Hey, honey, you should have heard it. Man, Elliot started that torture business on him, and what do you... Bill, Harris. Oh, mother. Well, wait a minute. Alice, you didn't want her to go out with that drip, did you? Oh, Bill, if you'd only keep on to the things that don't concern you... It concerns me as much as anybody. She's my daughter, and she ain't going out with no strange guys. With your information, Bill, they went to kindergarten together. Like I said, Curly, a pickup. I carried my book, and I carried his nose drops. Honey, don't... No, honey, gee, Wes, I was only trying to help. Oh, you were a big help. I tried to help, too. All right. All right, get going, both of you. What? You've got just five minutes to produce Sniffy or a reasonable facsimile. She makes the kids sound like a box top. Now, look, honey. Get. But I... Wait a minute, Alice. I'm the head of this family, and I'll look for Sniffy when I'm good and ready. Bill? I'm ready. Come on, Alice. Curly, oh, how do I know? Come on, let's get real-ad lib as we go. Alice. I'm so miserable. What am I gonna do? Well, gee, maybe a song would help. Snuggle up, kitten. I'm in love with you, you, you. I could be so true, true, true to someone like you, you, you. Do, do, do. Watch out a do, do, do. Take me in your arms, please do. Let me cling to you, you, you. For each other, sure as heaven's above. We were meant for each other to have, to hold, to love. There's no one like you, you, you. You could make my dreams come true. If you say you love me too. Come on with you, you, you. I could be so true, true, true to someone like you, you, you. Watch out a do, do, do. Take me in your arms, please do. Let me cling to you, you, you. We were meant for each other sure as heaven's above. We were meant for each other to have, to hold, to love. There's no one like you, you, you. Make my dreams come true. Drop it a fifth. Drop it a fifth. What makes you think so? They never found Chloe, did they? Hey, wait a minute, that's an idea. Any good swamps around here? No. But why don't we look for them at the Coliseum? Well, for. Well, ain't that where the Rams are playing? The Cucamonga Rams? You mean you gave him tickets? Oh, Curly, you're a clever one. A clever? I'm as sharp as a sack of wet cement. I get news for you. If I don't produce sniffy, I ain't going home. Hey, Curly, what about that other thing? You know, the facsimile. What are you talking about? Where are we going to find a thing like that at this time of night? Curly, when she said a facsimile, she meant, look out. A facsimile is look out? No. No, it means the same thing. Then what's the difference? Curly, look, what I say, look out. That's Julius. Why, that little runt tried to run us down. I'll point. He's a facsimile. Curly, we got it. Julius is a facsimile? In a nauseating sort of a way. If we can't find one of them facsimile things, how about using Julius? Curly, you are a loo. So, buddy boy. Can we speak to you for a moment, please, sir? I must have mangled the both of them. Julius. How would you like to go to a dance? Can you lead? Come here, Julius. Just a little closer. I'm close to the tuition, didn't tell me. No, no, no, kid. Not today, no. No, you got us all wrong, old buddy. We're your friends. He gave me intuition as dead, or I'm going to be. Julius, we're going to make you a real happy kid. You're going to let me back the truck over here. Got a wonderful sense of humor, that kid. Well, laugh a minute early, nothing but laughs. You? You, our buddy, our pal. Our facsimile. Hey, Julius. Now, listen. How would you like to take a beautiful young lady to a dance? But we already made the date for you. Julius, look. We'll do anything you say. Name your own terms. Ooh, this day must be a dark. Why are you going to go, aren't you? Will you wash me truck? I'll wash and heal wife. We'll go. We will call you dear, Mr. Abruzio. King of the supermarkets. How about it, Julius? I still ain't interested. Now look, you little crepe. Leave him alone, Elliot. Leave him alone. Just leave him alone. If he won't, he won't. Just means poor little Alice won't go to the dance, that's all. Well, you'll get over it. Oh, Alice, huh? Wait a minute, my good man. I have decided to reconsider your proposition. I shall be only too happy to accompany the Fair Danzo in pursuit of Tate's Aquarium Delights. Huh? That means yes. Oh, oh. Well then, go ahead, Julius. What are you waiting for? You want I should take poor little Alice in the truck? No, no, no. You can take my car. But look, hurry up. You'll miss the whole dance. Oh, dear. You got any intuition? Why? My mind tells me something is all loused up. Who is it? Anybody is it? Well, that's funny. Where do you suppose? Hi, Uncle Elliot. How's every little thing? Oh, great, Phil, great. Little Alice could take care of her, all right? Sure. She and Sniffy went to the football game. Sniffy? Oh, you said you gave him tickets, didn't you? Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, sure. Hey, look, fellas. What happened when Julius showed up? Well, he and Mom went to the dance, like you said. Oh, no, no, no. Look in just a moment. Every one of the dollars you'll invest in a television set is mighty important to you. So make sure you get full value for your money. Make sure you get an RCA Victor. New RCA Victor television costs as little as $199.95. Yet it's the finest TV you can buy. And remember this. When you buy one of the new RCA Victor television receivers, you can enjoy America's finest installation and maintenance through an RCA Victor factory service contract. This exclusive factory service is another reason why every year more people buy RCA Victor than any other television. This is Phil again. To encourage Americans to speak up for freedom, Freedom's Foundation is currently offering its fifth annual awards program. Cash awards and honor medals are offered in 15 categories. You may obtain entry blanks by writing the Freedom's Foundation Incorporated. Valley Forge, Pennsylvania. Thank you and good night. Good night, everybody. Included in this program transcribed was Gil Stratham. A part of Julius was played by Walter Tetley. This has been an NBC radio network production.