 Have you ever heard the saying, the person who cares the least has all the power in relationship? Well, if you've ever experienced a relationship where you felt like you cared more about the man than he cared about you and you found yourself trying really hard to convince him to want you more, I'm here to suggest that you stop yourself in your tracks right now. The reality is, is there are plenty of men and women out there who are playing games. And I wanna lean into this conversation of game playing because I want everyone to avoid this before it ever happens. So we're gonna talk about the different types of games men play. And then we'll give you a suggestion of how to avoid this in the future or at least get them to stop. And it looks like my phone is still on so I wanna turn off the volume on this. So the first one starts with a man who says, I want a relationship. And then later he starts being very inconsistent in his pursuit of a relationship. Now, I think ladies, what you have to recognize in the very early stage of dating is to determine what is a relationship? In other words, decide what a relationship looks like for you and then try to assess what a relationship looks like for him. What I mean to say is if a relationship looks like this to you and a relationship looks like this to him, do you know what that space in between is called? That's called drama because you're wanting to have him step up to the plate. So it's critically important in the very early stages to determine what does a relationship look like for you? Now that might be a confusing question to a man. So you have to answer this question for yourself. Now I've always said in my videos if you watch my content, I say a healthy, happy relationship looks like this. We do social activities, we do hobbies, we do mutual interest, we have these things together. We spend time with family and friends. We travel together. We have teamwork building skills both in our personal and our professional life. We have intimacy, both physical and emotional intimacy that is leading towards moving in together or getting married. That's a form of a relationship. Oh, I forgot to mention the beginning, spending three or four days and nights a week together, okay? Now that outlines a blueprint of what a relationship looks like. Now of course that's not gonna happen on the first date, second date or third date, but if two people decide they wanna explore a relationship together, then having a blueprint and outline some understanding of what that looks like very early on avoids the confusion and it stops him right in the tracks of not pursuing you if what you want in relationship is different than his. Now here's something critically important. I wanna invite you all to do in the very beginning. Never share your relationship desires without hearing his desires first. Okay, why do you wanna do this? Because a woman might say something I want a relationship and he says, I want a relationship too. Then it's flat or you both agree, wow, he wants a relationship. So then you follow up with the question, what does that look like for you? Again, he might be in the deer and the headlights, but I invite you all to probe a little bit deeper. I might invite you to probe the question, what does commitment look like for you? Meaning, what does a relationship look like for you on a daily basis? That's the real follow up to a question is, what does a relationship look like for you? And then you outline yours. Now here's the thing. If he's a virtuous, if he's an honorable man, excuse me, and you've laid out your desires, he might run away. Now, you might be going, well, I don't wanna scare a man away. Yeah, actually you do. You wanna scare the wrong person away as soon as possible. Here's the thing. When you're interacting with a quality man and what I mean by quality man, I simply mean a man who's got his act together and he desires a commitment, committed relationship. He's got his act together. He desires a committed relationship. Those are two of the most important qualities or desires, well, let's again, those aren't qualities. Well, he's got his act together. I get that's a quality of responsibility. He desires commitment that demonstrates intentionality. Okay, let's go with that for a second. What I mean to say is most of you are hyper focused on the stats. Does he check the boxes? Instead of simply, does he have his act together and does he desire a fully committed relationship? Because if you're like most women, I suspect you desire a fully committed relationship. So we talked about the guys who say they want a relationship and then their actions don't say otherwise. And the sad part of that, why that's game playing is it's playing with your emotions. See, I wish I could be there for you on a first date. I'd be your big brother or your uncle. I'd have the shotgun at hand and pointed at his face and saying, what's your intentions with my little sister? See, asking someone's intentions, especially if it's someone he's accountable to. See, that shotgun in his face is there's a consequence for messing with someone's emotions. There's a consequence. See, today there's no consequence for using someone or playing games. There's no retribution. There's no way to make him pay for his crime, so to speak, because, and by the way, there is no crime, except the crime of maybe being uncertain of what they want. See, it used to be if two people wanted to have sex, they had to get married and there was a consequence if you ended this relationship usually. So coming back to game playing, first, how do you avoid game playing? By being more intentional from the very beginning and watch out for these clues, the person who says he wants a relationship and just remember, a lot of people can say they want a relationship, but do their actions demonstrate this over time? Now, there's another class of men out there. These are the men that lead with I'm a broken person. I'm a broken person. See, what a broken person does is they're playing games. They want all the goodies of a relationship. They want that occasional companionship. They want that occasional connection. They want that occasional sex, okay? But without any real desire for commitment. See, when a person says they're broken, they've literally said, I have an exit clause. I've got a way to escape from this because I've already set up my exit route with you by telling you I'm broken. What do these men do eventually when they want to end a relationship? They say, look, it's not you, it's me, I'm broken. Pay attention to the broken guy. These are men who typically, the ground underneath them doesn't feel solid. They have a contentious relationship with an ex-spouse or they have challenges raising their children. That's one thing. Number two, they've got professional issues going on in their life, okay? Maybe they've got a chaotic boss at work. Maybe they're going through some financial struggles. Remember I said earlier, got their act together? Well, having their act together means you have your act together with your ex, your act together professionally and also physically. See, for the age demographic that I talked to which is midlife, which is after baby making years and before retirement, a significant percentage of the population has health issues. And so it's important to recognize that this will affect your long-term relationship with someone, okay? So coming back to I'm a broken man, well, a lot of times they use that as their escape clause because something, as I said earlier, the ground underneath them doesn't feel solid. So pay attention to the men who do have their act together. Now there's another type of game playing which is always I'm busy, I'm busy, I'm busy. I have a busy life. I'm always busy, I'm busy, busy, busy. I'm busy with work. I'm busy with my children. So you have to ask yourself, remember I said earlier the type of relationship you're looking for and what they're looking for? Well, certainly if people have a busy life, do they have a capacity to build a relationship with someone? Now, did you hear the critical words I just said? Build a relationship with someone. Build a relationship with someone. Build a relationship with someone. Why am I repeating myself? As many of you are experiencing a relationship where it's just surface, you're just experiencing life, you're not actually building something in those very early stages. See, we almost have it backwards here. We spend a significant amount of time together, could be years, before we actually engage in building something together, developing roots together. Now some of those roots might be like what in my situation with my sweetheart, Marie and I, we chose to move in together, we signed the lease together. There are some roots when you do that. What types of roots are you building with another person other than just spending time with them? Many of you know my narrative between the users, the spenders and the growers. The users, the spenders and the growers. And then roughly 20% of the population of men and women alike are users. They're using somebody for their own benefit, okay? And these people oftentimes are completely unaware that they're doing it. They're just very self-centric human beings, okay? Now the growers and the builders, that's another 20% of the population. Those are people who want to build a relationship with someone. And the vast majority of men and women are in the middle. They're the spenders. And women tend to be, they desire commitment more, but they still fall in this category of spender because they're accepting a spender instead of accepting a grower and builder. Now a spender is a person who spends time with you. They just spend time with you. They want that occasional companionship, occasional connection, occasional sex without any real commitment. Women do this, men do this. Doesn't make them bad people, it just makes them human beings. What really is incumbent upon you is do a better job choosing. And if you need some support with that, right here is a link, the schedule of discovery call with me to see if working with a coach is right for you and there's a link below as well. My area of expertise is to help you design the questions based on your personality to ferret out the users and the spender so quickly because they represent 80% of the population. These are the people that will unintentionally play games. You know, oftentimes a woman feels used when a relationship doesn't work out. And yet to some degree, if you're complicit in this relationship without doing your due diligence and doing your job of not just pre-qualifying your prospect, but remember, this person's your intern in the beginning of the relationship. He's got to earn the right to be in this relationship with you. And yet many of you are happy being a friend with benefit and you just don't know about it. See, it's incumbent upon you to do what I'm about to share in a moment to change the narrative. And remember, there are plenty of men who go hot and cold. That's another way of playing games with someone. So I made a note here, I just wanna share with everyone, games happen for a few reasons. Now the first one, he's just simply a player. Players oftentimes are very swabbed, they're very charming, they have financial resources, they have many options. These are the people that can swipe, swipe right all the time and get plenty of women in their funnel, okay? I'm not saying all men are this way, but certainly those that are swabbed, charming, have the financial resources and have lots of options could be game players, that's why they're called players, okay? Here's the tricky part. See the vast majority of men play games because they like you, but not enough. That's right, they like you but not enough, not enough. In other words, they haven't feel in their heart of hearts that you are someone special in the very early stages that they want to have a long-term relationship but they like the idea of your companionship, they like the idea of the connection with you and they certainly like the idea of being physically intimate with you. See, I don't think men intentionally use women, I don't think they even intentionally play games, I think there's a real confusion for a significant percentage of men in midlife is because we are swim, listen, roughly 75% and this is anecdotal of people over 45 years old that are in the dating marketplace are divorced and men in particular are gun shy to fully committed relationships. They're gun shy and because of that gun shy they're one foot in, one foot out and this is why they play games, this is why they're hot and cold, this is why their actions don't consistently match their words or as I said earlier, maybe they've got the ground underneath them doesn't feel solid and as Lisa just said so many guys are clueless as well. So what did I make notes? So if a man's been burnt in the past, he could have trust issues, he could have commitment issues. Certainly that's his past relationship. What about his childhood? He might have had abandonment in his childhood. He might have had a contentious relationship with his parents that can make them also gun shy. See men in their 20s and 30s have a different type of gun shy going for them. It's the men in their 40s, 50s and 60s that feel like they got burnt in their last relationship that they put up walls, they put up walls and in that their actions act as if they're playing games. So I wanna offer you an antidote in a moment but before I do, I wanna read a line from the movie Vanilla Sky, Vanilla Sky. This is for all the men to listen to this right now. The movie Vanilla Sky, this is with Tom Cruise, Vanilla Fee Cruise and Cameron Diaz. And there's a scene where Cameron Diaz is driving in a car with Tom Cruise. This is someone they've been physically intimate with each other and she's driving erratic cause she's angry at him. And there's a line she says the following. She says, don't you know when you sleep with someone your body makes a promise whether you do or not. Your body makes a promise whether you do or not. When you sleep with someone before trust has been built you're gambling, he's an honorable man. Men can seem so charming and decent but the only way to stop being played is to avoid players and wounded men by making them jump through more hoops. That's right, when we're swimming in a sea of players, of users, of those spenders I've talked about, those dysfunctional men, you have to make them jump through more hoops before you become physically intimate with them. So I wanna lay out something I talk about in my private coaching and that is radical honesty, laying your cards on the table and the rules of engagement. That's right, radical honesty. This requires being vulnerable, authentic and transparent. In other words, it's cutting through the BS right from the very beginning by establishing deeper conversations before you become physically intimate with someone. In addition, laying your cards on the table is talking about your past relationships. Each one of you talking about your past relationships. So it's like going on a job interview and the interviewer asks for your resume and you've worked at this company, you've worked at this company, you've worked at this company. Now, keep in mind they're only gonna hear a one-sided version but you have to say why did you leave this company? Why did you leave this company? Why did you leave this company? Ideally, you'd like to be able to talk to the company owners, each one of those companies to find out about those past relationships. So you have to remember that they're gonna give you their own version of events. However, through that version of those versions of events, you can actually determine what was the real reason. This is something I talk about in my private coaching as well. Ladies, you have to become more of a detective. You can't rely on what the person says on face value. Why is it important to lay your cards on the table? The best predictor of future events is usually past behavior. That's right, that's usually a good predictor of future events. What's the definition of insanity? Doing the same thing over and over again, expecting different results. So it's imperative to ask questions about the past relationship and then rules of engagement. Rules of engagement is simply laying out the standard you're looking for in a relationship and setting boundaries. So for example, the standard I said earlier, we spend three or four days a night a week together, doing shared activities, hobbies, mutual interests, spending time with family and friends, traveling together, teamwork, building skills, both in our personal and our professional life. That's a standard. See, that's laying your cards on the table right from the get go. But Jonathan, I'm just supposed to sit my feminine energy and let him lead because men are the provider and protectors and they're supposed to lead, they're gonna wanna take care of us. What bizarro planet do we live on? This whole narrative about men or provider protectors, how many men after divorce saying that's the last thing I wanna do for a woman? See, that might be somewhat instinctual in the very beginning, but we're talking about a demographic of human beings. As I said earlier that are gun shy. They might be going through contentious problems in their financial area of their life. So you gotta let go of the old paradigm and recognize what we're dealing with today as an example. In addition, you've gotta determine the virtuous men, the decent men versus those broken men. And as I said earlier, roughly about 80% of the population is broken to some degree. Some people are worth working on, but just remember, you might be investing in a money pit as an example. Is this making sense? Is this resonating with you? Please let me know. So it's imperative upon you to lay your cards on the table. It's imperative to ask better questions. I recognize you would all like to have first aid is, just go have fun. It's all about having fun. Just have a good time. Most dating coaches will tell you it's all about having a good time. I'm suggesting something different. Do you ever watch the Indian matchmaker or the Jewish matchmaker on Netflix? Do you know their job is to vet the person before they ever match two people together? So during this vetting process, if the matchmaker has done their job, they've actually asked those important questions. So when they get together, they can have a good time. But do you know what also happens in these cases? Part of the dating process is to sit with the parents or sit with the family members because it's their job to vet as well. You see, if we're not doing that, you're gonna have to do that for yourself because I wish like I said earlier, I could be there for you. I have that shotgun at hand pointed at that guy's face. You have to do that for yourself. Now it might be a turn off, however, let me just say this. The men who have their act together and the men who sincerely want a fully committed relationship, they actually appreciate these deeper questions. They appreciate that you've actually thought this through and you can actually have a deeper dialogue because intellect is critically important in relationship. Certainly emotional connection is important in a relationship as well as sexual connection. But intellectual connection, when you're actually asking deeper questions, it allows the man to connect with you at that intellectual level. I know you've heard it before, men are logical and they're the thinkers and women are the emotional. That's why you ask questions. It does trigger their brain, but it also requires them to at least be honest with themselves and if they are a decent guy, they might pull back because they know they're gonna hurt you. And that's how you get them to stop playing you right from the get go. Is this sinking in? Is this resonating? Please let me know. Hey, I'd like to hear your thoughts on this. Post a comment below. If it did resonate, please hit that like button. Please share this video. Please subscribe to my channel and hit that notification bell so you can be notified of future videos. All right. I think this will be a good place to start our Q&A. If you're familiar with my format and you have a question, write the word question and post the question there after. Or you can purchase a super sticker super chat with the dollar sign in the chat box. All of the monies from the super sticker super chat goes to a scholarship fund in the name of my son Connor Asley. That's him right there. It's my son who passed away almost five years ago in his honor. We donate to causes like the Hoffman process, Insight Institute and Seeds of Love which supports children who are terminally ill and they've been abandoned by their parents in Columbia where my sweetheart is from Cartagena, Colombia. Has anyone ever been there? All right, it's time to take questions. By the way, for everyone that sent me those sweet well wishes yesterday, I wasn't feeling well. I got vaccinated for the shingles vaccine and boy, did it wipe me out for two days. So I'm about 80% today but I wanna thank you all for those kind messages. So thanks so much. All right, I see Camille has written a question. Any idea about older men and what they do expect in relationship when they reach 70 years old, especially after a divorce with a toxic wife, loss of income, are men manipulative still? Well, all right, let's be real about this. You're 70 years old, the days in front of you are shorter than the days behind you. The average age expectancy is 79 years old. So he's roughly only got nine years of life expectancy or less at that age demographic. So does that person really want a fully committed relationship? Probably not. I mean, some do, but probably not. Or maybe it's the opposite. They want to, I'm saying there's one version of males that just say, look, I don't wanna make a full commitment. Someone I've got assets, I've got inheritance that I wanna leave for my children. That's a group that does not. There's another group that, look, I'd like to be with someone my last days. They want that companionship. They want that connection. So there's that group of men as well. So, but you have to recognize that when the days in front of you are shorter, the decision making is completely different than the decision making when you're in your 20s and 30s as an example. When someone in their 20s and 30s, they might want to have children and raise a family with someone. When they're in midlife, they may want some, you know, when someone's in their 40s and 50s, they may, they've still got a good 30, 40 years in them possibly. They might want someone to mingle, you know, blend lives together with their children. But when you get to 70, it's a whole different ball game. Now, are men still, men manipulative still? I don't like to start with that perception of men. I've certainly, if someone who went through a toxic divorce, he's probably gun shy. He's probably hurt. He probably doesn't know what he wants. Okay. I wouldn't characterize that as intentional manipulation. It might feel like manipulation because he doesn't know what he wants. So he says one thing and acts a different way. Is he intentionally playing games with you? Probably not. But I want to recommend something to you. Is to be radically honest with someone. One of the chapters in my book, what the heck has self-love any way of journey of personal development, self-help and spiritual work. There's a link below to get a copy of my book. Speak your truth, do it with kindness. Why not be upfront? Just like what the woman said in vanilla sky. Don't you know when you sleep with someone, your body makes a promise whether you do or not. Why not just simply say, you know what? I'm catching feelings for you. Are you genuinely and sincerely have my best interest at heart? Remember what I said earlier? When you sleep with someone before trust is built. See trust isn't just about fidelity. Trust is, do you have my best interest at heart? Do you have my best interest at heart? Now, of course we have to have our own best interest but it's equally important to determine if someone has your best interest at heart before you physically are intimate with them. Now at age 70, people aren't having as much sex as they did in their 20s, 30s, 40s, 50s and even 60s, okay? But I wouldn't characterize them as manipulative. And I hope that gives you some context or at least some perceptions of what I think about men in their 70s. Thank you so much for asking your question. All right, Lisa's in the house. We haven't seen you in a while, Lisa. How soon should I tell someone I'm a cancer survivor? I've been doing it early but maybe I'm cheating myself. What would you say? Well, I've always believed is knowing that you have cancer material to the relationship. How material is it to the relationship, okay? Now, when you're beginning to date someone, I don't think it's very material to the relationship. I think when two people decide that they're going to explore a relationship together, you might say that you had cancer and you beat it. I'm gonna say, if someone told me they had cancer and they beat it, I'd probably find out how likely are you to get it back again and just recognize that there is a risk that you take with someone that could have a reoccurrence. So whether it's, you know, I mean, and I'm not trying to put you at a disadvantage here. I'm simply saying that is part of the decision-making process. Most of you all know, I've shared this before, my sweetheart, Marie, on our first date, I noticed her hands shake a little bit. And she has what's known as benign tremors or familiar tremors. And I was speaking to one of my dear female friends about this before, I think it was before Marie came to visit me, or it was maybe after our first visit. I don't recall, it might have been after. And I was talking to my dear friend about this and says, hey, Jonathan, before you get involved with someone, you should know how serious that is because that might be a significant ailment that could be worse. And do you want to invest in someone who could turn into Parkinson's the next day as an example? Now I'll be candid with you all. I thought about for a moment, I Googled it, but I liked this person so much that it didn't bother me. I thought, if even if all I have is a year with this person, that's what I thought, or with her, that would still bring me a lot of joy. So before you cheat yourself, ask yourself how material is it to the relationship? And certainly explain it in such a way to give them some reassurance that you beat this. At least that's the way I would approach it, okay? Hope that helps, thanks so much. Oh, one of our Facebook group members says, Cartagena is beautiful. Yes, I agree, I've been there. By the way, if you're not familiar with my group called Midlife Love Mastery, there's a link below to join my private group where you can have access to me on a regular basis. I shoot videos for the members of the group based on the questions. We have a Facebook page and we have a once a month webinar where you can talk to me directly on the phone. So check out the link below. And Gigi says, the shingles vaccine nearly did me in. I agree, it did the same for me. All right, Gigi goes on to ask, what are the signs that he is worth working with? That's a great question. I think, coming back to what I said earlier, does he have his act together and does he seem genuinely committed to the idea of a fully committed relationship? Does he truly desire a fully committed relationship? And asking the deeper question, what does commitment look like for you? What does a relationship look like for you? I think those are really two important questions to ascertain from someone. See, the problem is when we're meeting total strangers these days, we know nothing about them. We don't know their family, we don't know their friends, we don't know their backstory. So it requires us to be a bit of a detective. Like I was sharing before about interviewing someone for a job. Keep in mind, you're only getting one side, one version when you're doing that. So what can we do? What about looking up there? Do they have a Google footprint? Do they have a social media footprint? Try to dig a little bit further into their life beyond the surface. Because the reality is, is when you're meeting a stranger, you've got to take on face value, everything that they say to you is actually valid. You see, think about this for a second. How many people lie on their dating, fudge, lie, whatever on their dating profile for their height, their body type, their age, okay? The reality is, is for most people in midlife, they're fudging in some way, shape, or form because they don't want to be rejected, okay? How else do we fudge in our lives so we don't want to be rejected? I know some people don't disclose STDs until sometimes after being physically intimate with someone. Listen, it doesn't make them bad human beings. It just happens to be that people are hiding in all different ways, shapes, or forms or they have masks put on, have masks that they're wearing because the fear of rejection, the fear of not being loved is very prevalent. Plus we're swimming in a sea of dysfunctional human beings who have childhood wounds and traumas and adult traumas that cause them to have negative patterns, limiting beliefs, and peculiar actions in the way they operate in the world. So what's the signs he's worth it? It's not a, it's really your job to investigate. Do you share the same values? Are your lifestyles blendable? And more importantly, is he emotionally mature enough? And if you need some help and support with that, schedule a discovery call with me. That's my area of expertise, Gina. Thank you so, Gigi, thank you so much. Oh, Elena says my arm was hurting after shingles and pneumonia. I've got a big bruise right here on my arm. It sucks. Okay, Callie Blue writes, can we hire somebody to do the vetting? That sounds like a total career opportunity for someone. Yeah, it's called a matchmaker except matchmakers don't do it the way I see. Most matchmakers, that's their job to do the vetting for you. The problem is most matchmakers do not have a large enough pool of people or you're not attracted to 99% of the people in their pool. See, we're a country that hyper focuses on looks. Then we do genuine compatibility. And I'm guilty of that, you know? I'm guilty of that as well. But we tend to hyper focus more on looks and chemistry. We overweight chemistry and under appreciate the importance of compatibility and more importantly, vetting. So to answer your question Callie Blue, that's a matchmaker's job. But now here's the thing. Maybe I should offer this as a service. You're just beginning to date a guy. My job is to get on the phone to do the vetting for you. Now I'd be ridiculously expensive to hire me but I can certainly do that for you on your behalf. So thank you so much Callie Blue. Jonathan Asley, the vetter. All right, Rosie Sheik says, what if we only do things he likes doing when we're together? It seems like we never do the things I like doing. It's mostly all about him. Well, it's because you've been sold on the fact that you're just supposed to sit back in your feminine energy and let him lead. If a man isn't willing to engage in the activities you like to do, what does that say about him? See, one of the things about men leading the relationship process, it puts them in the control position. Control, if you add an ER to it is controlling. Oh no, excuse me, an ING is controlling. He becomes a controller. See, when it's all about one person, what they can be end up being is controlling. It's always sold on, well, I'm the provider protector, I'm the leader of the relationship. No, I get to control the outcome the way I wish. If a man is unwilling to do the things you like to do, what does that say about him genuinely caring about you? That doesn't say much. Gosh, I'm constantly asking my sweetheart what to do. But my point is, is I'm inviting that conversation and sometimes we do the things she likes to do and a lot of times we do the things I like to do. Fortunately, we're both kind of on the same page. We always seem to do the same thing together. But I'm always inviting that from her and if there's something she'd like to do that's like we're talking about going to the Ronald Reagan Museum in a few weeks, that's something she wanted to do. I'm like, I'm all for it. See, when you're with somebody who's genuinely commitment oriented, partnership oriented, they want to do the things you like to do. Does that help Rosie? I hope it does. All right, let's keep going. Lisa says, Bravo, thank you so much. I appreciate that. Linda writes, with a long distance new relationship one month, what questions do you ask on the phone? We met at a wedding and had four dates. He wants a relationship. I'd like some substantial questions. Linda, that's something we do in my private coaching. Right here is there's a link and there's a link below. You can click on that link, schedule a discovery call with me. Part of my coaching, that requires you filling out a very long assessment about you. And what we do is we carve that we design the questions based on your personality. It's not like you can look at, you can read the 36 questions that's in the New York times or something like that. But if you don't understand the deeper importance based on your personality, it's not gonna matter. So Linda, schedule a discovery call with me. There's a link in the show notes and there's the link right there, Johnathanasley.com forward slash coaching, okay? And Linda to make it simpler, we're just gonna show it to you right here. All right, that's where you get it in the link below. All right, let's keep going here. I saw another question, Camille writes, how do you acquire such knowledge about relationship? Do you have a degree in psychology or some life coach training? I'm impressed on how much clarity you have. Well, thank you so much for that question. So let me give you my backstory. After turning 40 and going through a divorce, got a decade and a half ago, I found myself out in the dating marketplace. And I'll never forget. My first date, really nice woman, nice date, something wasn't right. A few days later, another woman, nice date, nice woman, something wasn't right. A few days later, another one. Because with the internet, I had all this access to people, all this access. In one year, I had over a hundred inner first dates. And I realized that something wasn't right was me. So I began doing therapy, I began reading books. Now, all along my drug of choice was talking to women on the phone, sometimes hours at a time, sometimes all across the country because I got addicted to feminine energy. I got addicted to speaking to women because women could talk about, I could talk about my dysfunctionality to women and you women are beautiful creatures. You really want to help people out. So in a way, I found myself talking to women as my therapist. All the while, I was really learning about human behavior in these first couple years. Now, what happened is a lot of women would reach out to me and say, hey, Jonathan, you're a great guy. Can you help me improve my online dating profile? So at first, my first part of my job was helping women improve their online dating profile. And I get calls, literally, we'd be on the phone one night, we'd change their whole dating profile. And then three weeks later, I get a call, Jonathan, I met this really great guy. And I can tell the difference because they were attracting what seems like to them a better quality man. Then during that time and about, I've amassed over 20,000 hours of coaching, over 3,000 hours of personal development, workshops, trainings, books, videos, that sort of thing. I've studied human behavior. And then I was in a relationship with a therapist for on and off for six years. And I got a PhD in therapy being with her, at least human behavior. And then I share my perspective on things. I think what makes me unique is I'm calling bullshit out. See, the old paradigm doesn't work. The stereotypical paradigm, men are the leaders. See, I invite everyone to read the book. If the Buddha dated, if the Buddha dated, this is a great book to throw out the bullshit gender rhetoric and start treating people from a heart center place, a compassionate place. I invite everyone to read this book, Camille, you as well, because this is where and all the books behind me is where I got a significant amount of my knowledge. So thank you so much. All right, let's keep going. Linda writes, in other words, how deep of questions do you ask on the phone or wait for deep questions when you see each other? No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Let me just tell you something. Okay, Marie, there she is right there. She lived in Chicago when we first communicated with each other. On our second phone call, I gave her my top 16 questions because I had nothing to lose. She lived far away. And we spent, on that first phone, the second phone call, we spent four hours unpacking the critical questions I want answered. Now, after that phone call, we became Facebook friends. And for the next year, we just communicated a little bit here, a little bit there. We didn't have incessant communication. Every once in a while, it was a text message. We go, how's dating going for you? Or we'd see a Facebook post and we would like something. These were some of the things we would do before we actually met. So by the time we met, we'd built up some friendship. We saw pictures of one another's families and friends and that sort of thing. We saw trips. A matter of fact, I remember seeing she posted a trip she had gone on. By the way, a previous trip she went on. So I asked her about it, but I did the critically important questions well before I met her. And that's my invitation for you, Linda. So thank you so much. Hey, Leafs in the house. Hey, glad to see you, Leafs. Where is your pyramid diagram? I think what you're thinking is my relationship iceberg, folks. I don't have my, well, actually, everyone hold on for one second. Bear with me, I'll bring it out. Since someone brought it up, I'll bring it out. I didn't bring out my diagrams today, but I think what you're talking about is my relationship iceberg. Okay, it's a little bit shiny here. Above the waterline is attraction. You can see the word chemistry below the waterline is compatibility of shared values, blendable lifestyles and emotional maturity. We can only see the tip of the iceberg. At first, what we have to concentrate is what's below the iceberg. And that's what I think Leafs is talking about. So thanks for reminding me to bring that up for everybody. So thanks so much. Elena says, Jonathan Asley's big brother vetting, exactly. Cat says, best book ever. Why men love bitches? Well, I don't love some of the aspects of the book. There is an aspect of the book that I do love. And that's the empowerment aspect of the book. Cat, so I do appreciate that one as well. All right, let's keep going. Let's keep going. Cache man says, please talk about why they say things like, I want to only date you. And on the second date when you say you want to see how it goes and then they quit talking to you. Okay, this is great. I think what she's referring to or he is referring to is how a man will come on strong on a very first date. Oh my God, you're the most amazing person I ever saw. Oh my God, you're so beautiful. You're so wonderful. I mean, I see a future with us. I mean, we should travel together, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Okay. What that man is experiencing on that very first date is lust or limerence, lust or limerence. Limerence means extreme infatuation. Now what's happening is he's receiving a chemical, there's a chemical being released from his brain known as dopamine. Dopamine is like crack cocaine in that very moment he wants something. So he's gonna say all the right words to get what he wants. Believing that's true for him. It's like an anti-truth serum, anti-truth serum. In other words, it's not truth serum because he doesn't know that he wants it with you because he doesn't know you. You're a total stranger to him on a first date. But what happens is when he goes home and all those chemicals are now flushed down the toilet, he's like, I don't know why I don't like her anymore because he's not experiencing dopamine in that moment. A dopamine hit is just temporary. It makes you want something but it doesn't make you feel fulfilled and it's only in that moment. So why does that, that's the why it happens. So as my mother used to say in the beginning, she said, I took what your father said in the beginning with a grain of salt. So you have to remember trust is built over time. It's not built by making a lot of false promises and guys will do this and I am guilty of this as well. When I've been apt up on lust and limerence is we do what's called trying it on for size. I think Alison Armstrong calls it the cut and paste. In other words, we go, wow, wouldn't it be great to go on a trip with you? I can see us going here. I want a introduction to my family. I want to introduce you to my friends. We're trying it on for size to see if you'd fit in our life because men bond through experiences. I want everyone to listen to what I just said. Men bond through experiences. We don't bond through the telephone. All of you that are addicted to the cyber version of relationships you're experiencing right now, those men are not bonded with you. We bond through experiences and the adversity within experiences, the challenges within experiences. So that's the why it happens, Keshe Min. And thank you so much for being a member of our group. We really appreciate it. Christine says, Kristen says, do you give an issue if we lean back in our feminine energy of boundaries? I believe it works well in dating and relationships. Okay. I want everyone to understand why I'm not a fan of the idea of leaning back in your feminine energy. I'd rather lean into your empowerment, okay? I just don't like the term leaning back because leaning away from a relationship might create a temporary cause where it causes him, okay, he feels the space you've pulled back and now he temporarily chases you, okay? But it might be a temporary chase because you pulled away. Ladies, what does it feel like when a guy pulls away? Okay, you're feeling a disconnect. So what happens is you want to go chase them. Well, when you've done the same, it makes them chase you. I'd rather you lean into your empowerment by having direct dialogue instead of when he pulls away, all right, you pull away. All right, what benefit is that? What benefit is that? Now I'm all in favor of being in your empowerment to be in your sovereignty, to be in your self love. I'm all in favor of that, but lean into it is what I'm saying. And I know this might sound semantics, but leaning back might just know this. If a woman played the game of leaning back with me, bye-bye, I'm just not attracted to that. I'm a person that, I'm attracted to a person who leans into healthy dialogue when there's a disconnect going on. Is this sinking in? Is this resonating? Please let me know. Gallia says, what are the 16 questions you asked? That's something I teach in my private group, but I will say this, we did talk about vaccines, we talked about mass, we talked about politics, we talked about religion, but I go into, we went into deeper nooks and crannies on those things and keep in mind when we met, our first conversation was at the height of COVID. So that was one of the 16 things we talked about. By the way, it wasn't 16 questions. Now that I think about, there was 16 bullet points, but within several of the bullet points, there was multiple questions within it. So there was probably 30 questions. I should have stated that in the beginning. So Gallia, thank you so much. Questions, is it a bad sign when a man does not want to see you, see, wait, want you to see his house? He says he is ashamed of it. He's taken me out several times. We have a lot in common, he's very nice. Okay, couple of things. I can relate only because there was a period of time after my divorce where I was living in a one bedroom apartment. Now I happen to have an ocean view, but I invited several women over and for whatever reason I didn't get a second or I didn't get a date after that. And I thought maybe they thought I was poor or something like that. Mind you, I had an ocean view. So I understand how they might feel. Now there's another possible reason. He's married, okay? He is married, that's a possible strong reason or he's ashamed, but here's the bottom line is, before that penis ever goes inside the vagina ladies, you might want to see his place to determine if he's legit and if he's avoiding sharing that with you, you got to ask yourself, is he legit? Is he legit? Is he not married? And maybe he might be ashamed of his house, but you can tell him also I'm a very compassionate human being and that won't dissuade me unless you live like a hoarder and if you live like a hoarder, why would I want to engage in a, as a possible reason, okay? If he's a hoarder as an example, yeah, I might not want to engage with a hoarder. I would want to see their place. I think that's a fair thing to ask of someone to see how they live. If we're going to engage in developing a relationship to get, look it, you can do anything you want before you have sex. It's as I said earlier in this broadcast, don't you know when you sleep with someone, your body makes promises whether you do or not? Everyone, write, someone write that down. I'm going to read that again. Don't you know when you sleep with someone, your body makes a promise whether you do or not? JC, I hope that answers your question. That's at least my perception on that one. Hey, Leafs wants to remind everyone, please hit that like button so we can get more action going right now. Thank you so much. Hey, one of our Facebook members posts on dating sites, I've gotten so many catfish, I'm skeptical of everyone who likes me. How can I get past this, that? I get back to optimistic mindset. First and foremost, probably only 20% of less of the population are true catfishers, okay? What I want to invite you all to begin reciting the following. It's raining good men, it's raining good men, it's raining good men, it's raining good men, it's raining good men, it's raining good men. I invite you all to start adopting that. Start this narrative, say it over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over again. God, Jonathan, that's a lots of over again. Yeah, start changing the story in your head. It's raining good men. You'd be surprised what happens, like many of my clients who call me. I love the fact that women make investment in this coaching program and I get calls every week. Jonathan, I met a great guy. Jonathan, I met a great guy. Jonathan, I met a great guy and I know the difference. I just got an email yesterday from someone who worked with me last year. I met a great guy and I know the difference. That's what I want to impart my wisdom on everyone who works with me and my private coaching. So thank you so much. All right, Jackie says, I agree with leaning in however when he can't show up because he's got so much of his own stuff going on and can't talk or doesn't want to talk about anything deep. How do I handle it? Sounds like he's just not your person. See, how do you handle it? If he's incapable of exploring a relationship then you just say, thank you next. Thank you next. Why invest in someone who's incapable investing in you? I like what Matthew Hussie once said in one of his videos. Invest and test, invest and test. See if he invests and then test. In other words, what he means is you make a little bit of effort. Does he meet you at the 50 yard line? See, if he's always at the 10 yard line and you're at the 50 yard line, he's not your person, Jackie. You don't have to lean back in your feminine energy and wait for him to claim you. Yeah, again, an unconscious guy might temporarily come towards you, but if he's incapable of leaning into the beginning stages of a relationship with some sense of common decency by making himself available, how serious is he about a relationship? Anyways, that's my two cents on that one, Jackie. Thank you so much. Kristen says, is that true with men and women the body promise thing? You know, okay, so what that point is trying to make and Leafs was, oops, Leafs was kind enough to say this. This was in the movie Vanilla Sky, okay, with Tom Cruise, Penelope Cruz and Cameron Diaz who said, don't you know that when you sleep with someone, your body makes promises whether you do or not? See what happens is through the experience of intercourse for women in particular, chemical is released from the brain known as oxytocin. Okay, oxytocin is a bonding agent. For men, we don't bond with women. We bond through a vasineparin, I believe, is the chemical. We bond through experiences with a person. And again, with social activities, hobbies, mutual interest, spending time with family and friends, we bond more as in a friendship capacity as how we bond with a woman. See, when a woman becomes our really good friend whom we're sleeping with, that's how we bond with them, okay? For a woman, they bond typically through that physical experience. So the fact is, the minute you sleep with someone, the minute you sleep, his body is making a promise to her that it's going to continue. That's how a woman feels it. This is why it's imperative to have deeper conversations early in the mating process. So you avoid, so you can build that friendship piece as I talked about that men need before you ever dive into the physical piece. Is this sinking in? Is this resonating? Please let me know. Hashayman says, amen, Jonathan, they make time for people they wanna be around. Exactly. Jackie says, yes, borderline. It's possible it's a borderline personality. All right. Hey, listen, I hope you appreciated the conversation we had today. Is he playing games? How to get him to stop? Again, I'm here to encourage radical honesty, laying your cards on the table, and oh my God, the rules of engagement. I went blank on my own content. I hope you found value in this. If you did, please hit that like button. Please share this video. Please subscribe to my channel if you have something to add or share. Please hit that super thanks button. Please post a comment below. I'd like to hear your thoughts. I always do my best to respond to them. And I'm gonna wrap up this video as I always do. First off, give myself a big gigantic Jonathan bear. Ooh, hurting my arm from that shot that I got vaccination shot. I'm gonna reach into the gamma and give you a hug of love if that's okay. I'm gonna ask you to turn to someone, a pet, a teddy bear pillow, and give Iter them a hug of love because hugs are a great source of love. And let's face it, we could all use more love in our lives. I wanna thank Wejoin and Jackie and Leafs and Cashamann and Kat and Kristen and JC and Brock. Jackie, one of our Facebook group members, JC, Gallia, Rosie Chic. Let's see, Lisa's in the house and Hillary and Leslie. Thank you so much everyone. You have a fab evening. Be well. Thanks, bye now. Thanks, Linda, I appreciate it.