 I'm a 27 year old virgin with no confidence. Help. That was the title of an email that I got recently and I actually had quite a few like that throughout the years I've been publishing content online and I thought that this would be a really good case study to break down because I reinvented myself. I've shared the story many times. I've helped a lot of people hundreds reinvent themselves but this person's story about why they have no confidence I think can be a really useful story for anyone that is looking to improve themselves. Hey it's Alex Hine, author of the book Master the Day and I've included the first thing down there below is for a free goal-setting worksheet if you want to reinvent yourself and have the best year ever of your life. You can check it out right there. It's the first link in the description. Now I thought what was really interesting about this story was that this person had this belief. The story was that because I'm a virgin in my late 20s and that's not how it's supposed to be I have no confidence right the story is because I'm a virgin I have no confidence but this is this is a problem because you can still be a virgin and have confidence so even for myself I lost my virginity at like 19 in my late teens. My first long-term relationship wasn't till I was 25 and I'd always wanted a long-term relationship so this idea of when you lose your virginity when you get into a relationship and somehow that is equated with your self-worth it's a risky it's thin ice and I had to reinvent myself as well and find that kind of confidence that I never had previously so that was really the thing I've shared here that was why I got into self-growth it wasn't because honestly I wanted to become the ultimate Alex it was really because I was tired of getting rejected and never having a girlfriend and I find that that's a common reason for wanting to improve oneself so what I learned was that I had to actually set and achieve personal growth goals to get confidence right so I thought that there are these really interesting different kinds of confidence like let's say for example every day you play video games and eat cheeseburgers well you probably after three years have a high level of confidence in your ability to have a level 60 hunter in World of Warcraft and your ability to take down two cheeseburgers from Wendy's but if you've never done anything else you're not going to have confidence in that domain of life so in the same way that an athlete let's say a runner has a high level of confidence that she can run a six minute mile if you've never done that there's not going to be that physical somatic fitness confidence or if you're someone who is great at math and you use your brain to solve problems every day as an engineer you're probably going to have that confidence in that domain of life but you may not have the physical fitness confidence and in the same way if you know you're an amazing girlfriend or an amazing boyfriend you're probably going to have that confidence in that domain of life or you're an amazing friend and maybe you're not going to be a scarcity minded about losing friends but maybe you don't have the kind of confidence from being math smart or being physically fit so I learned that there are different kinds of confidence in different domains of life and even though they do spill over we need to develop that confidence in one quadrant of life to feel confident about goals and challenges in that quadrant of life so what I did with myself and what I would recommend for this person is to begin making little bets with yourself little tiny bets that then increase your self belief after so if it is intellectual then maybe you do something like you take night classes that are Chinese lessons and then you realize wow I could learn Chinese it's not good but I've been able to learn it what else can I learn or maybe you've chat up that attractive person and then you become more confident there or maybe you begin to lose five or ten pounds you become confident there so making these little bets to acquire true confidence now the second thing would be to make your primary goal mastery self growth excellence becoming better and not dating so this person in the email sent me a lot of these points about they were really insecure about dating in particular right that was the domain of life they were most worried about but the thing is I've often seen that you attract the kind of person you want by the person that you are and not what you do so it's sad but true the highest caliber men on all levels internally externally and the highest caliber women on all levels who both have amazing personalities and are smart and beautiful and educated and fun they have no short supply of men and women that are into them they're always getting propositioned they're always getting hit on and they don't have to go out and really do anything and it's funny because so many of us are constantly chasing that we're chasing the kind of people we want to be dating we are chasing and looking for that love and that validation and that relationship that we want but for so many people who have it all they don't chase anything so I would recommend mastery over three things the first thing is mastery over your purpose or career now if you have a career already or you have something you're passionate about dedicating a lot more time to that to becoming truly the best at what you do and that's going to be something that not only guides your life but it's highly attractive to other people because you're a meaning and purpose driven human life is good you're on track and if you haven't found that dedicating time to actually finding that the second thing is mastery over your own demons so if there is a deep-seated set of issues you have personality issues issues making friendships issues with relationships issues with just whatever it is finances fitness that's the time to deal with those whether it is alone whether it is via journaling whether it is via a therapist or a coach whatever it is this is the time to deal with that inner discord that then comes out when you're with other people but I would say the last thing is mastery over feeling happy and content alone so getting in the habit of being someone who's really happy and doing really well on their own not believing by it not like being by yourself but being by yourself in the sense of not being in a relationship have tons of friends have amazing hobbies dedicate yourself to your chosen craft like build a full life without that person and then that spot for when that person comes will be natural it will fit in like a perfect puzzle piece because you've already completed almost all of the puzzle life is good the last thing is that your whole life is ahead of you like you're 27 you're in your late 20s you've got your whole life to reinvent yourself and there is no honestly there's no rush even if you're 20 late 20s 30s for me sleeping with a girl that I wasn't truly smitten over like I wasn't super in love with it was very forgettable but when you're with someone that's it's unique and it's special and the connection is unlike anything you've had the sex is just the next it's transcendent right it's not something that you can find easily and it is worth waiting for just like it's worth waiting for work you love and you're passionate about it's worth waiting for the right person rather than jumping into something because you're afraid or it's you're getting older or it's too late you're still a virgin you have your whole life to reinvent yourself and become whoever you've always wanted to be and why rush there is no rush everything is going to be fine so I hope that helps this is advice to that person who's virgin in their late 20s or you could fill that in with anything the person who feels unconfident in their late 20s or 30s or 50s and they're wondering is it all going to work out for me that's what they're really saying I hope that helps that is my two cents again before you go get the free goal-setting download down there below to plan your best year ever and then before you go there's a recent related video right here on this