 أعوذ بالله من الشيطان الرجيم بسم الله الرحمن الرحيم الحمد لله رب العالمين بارئ الخلاق أجمعين باعت الأنبياء والمرسلين ثم الصلاة والسلام على خير خلقه العبد المؤيد والرسول المسدد حبيبي إله العالمين أب القاسم المصطفى محمد وعلى أهل بيته الطيبين الطاهرين وصحابته المنتجبين صلى الله عليك يا رسول الله صلى الله عليك يا سيدي يا رحمة الله الواسع ويا بنجاء ويا عبرتا شهيد كربلا يا ليتنا يتناكن عكم سادتي فنفوزا فوزا عظي أعوذ بالله من الشيطان الرجيم بسم الله الرحمن الرحيم واللبنا هبلناتنا قرتا عيون قرتا عيون متقين صلى الله علي محمد وآل محمد أعوذ بالصلاة عن إمام زلحسن والحسين أعوذ بالصلاة عن فاطمة الزهراء مع جميعك عندما حصلت إلى العالم where you feel that it's time to get married you've finished what you've had to do, you've graduated you started working, you've raised enough money and you've decided that it's time to get married you meet people, you meet some, maybe a handful, more, less finally you meet someone who you're most comfortable with it seems like the right person, the qualities that you've been looking for and indeed the qualities that you want are found in this person whether it's the man or the woman and you get married and everything is fine, الحمد لله everything is perfect at other times there are others that are not so fortunate they meet several people they have several qualities in mind that they're looking for whether it has to do with looks, with intelligence, with personality with faith and religion finally they meet someone who they believe has either all of the qualities that they're looking for or most of the qualities that they're looking for however after a while either after they get married or before they get married of course after they get married that's a disaster they discovered that this is not what they had signed up for this person turned out to be different from what they had perceived the qualities that this person has now are fading away now this person's true colors are coming up and showing and then obviously what happens? the marriage fails if they're engaged the engagement breaks off and if they're married the marriage fails if they decide to divorce or if they decide to stay together then it's a reckless marriage it's a marriage that has no bond no love and no harmony of course either way this is disastrous if they remain together with no love that's one disaster if they decide to end it that's also a disaster because a relationship like this can leave a lot of marks can leave a lot of scars can leave a person emotionally drained and now that this person wants to remarry wants to meet someone else will have a lot of insecurities will ask a hundred questions now in their mind about the new person that they meet what if this new person turns out to be like the old person what if this person is a fake what if this person seems to have good qualities but then when I marry them they switch they turn out to be something that they're not right? so this person develops a lot of insecurities now this person is afraid of getting into another relationship this person is afraid of getting to know people because they're afraid this person might switch on them they begin doubting everyone you know a lot of people before marriage and after marriage they're two different people you see a person before marriage this person is romantic he calls 15 times a day he's sweet he's nice he's polite he brings roses he takes you out he's very different all of a sudden you're married 2 months, 3 months after the marriage and he's completely a different person now he's angry now he breaks things at the slightest comment he'll snap he'll start yelling he's not as religious as he seemed before the marriage or it could be the other way around the lady before the marriage she was perfectly fine she had a good personality she was sweet now after the marriage seems like she has a sharp tongue she has to comment about everything a negative comment nothing satisfies her why is it that a lot of times people find their spouse or the person that they've met to change all of a sudden on them what happened why do people change all of a sudden do people change you see it's not that people change yes to you this person's attitude changes this person was very nice before the marriage now after the marriage he's not so nice it's not that he changed or she changed most of the times this is how the person was before the marriage but that's the side that you did not get to see that's the side of her that you didn't see that side was hidden that side of his was hidden why because he doesn't want to show you all of his sides right before marriage he's trying to gain customers he's trying to win your heart so if he has a bad temper after a marriage most likely you have that bad temper when before marriage as well but he wasn't showing it to you if she has a sharp tongue after a marriage most likely she had a sharp tongue before marriage as well but you didn't know because she wasn't showing it obviously because she's engaged she's trying to get married she doesn't want to break off that marriage she doesn't want to ruin her relationship that's a lot of times this goes for many people before marriage the days, the weeks, the months before marriage they're engaged they're meaning people they hide their bad qualities they hide their bad qualities and they emphasize their good qualities and that's something normal you know when you go to people's homes as guests they're sweet, they're nice you know the husband and wife they're smiling, they're laughing they crack jokes the kids respect the parents the parents respect the kids but then when everyone goes back home they start punching each other because that was a show obviously there's guests they have to put on some sort of show the husband and wife probably maybe they don't talk but in front of guests they have to talk thus this is part of human nature we choose which side of ours that we want to show to people and a lot of times in marriage this is the case it's not just your spouse or the person that you're marrying we too, you too you're not showing all of your sides you're not showing your grouchy side your angry side your sharp tongue you're showing the side that is the most attractive because you're trying to win someone's heart so when you see a person all of a sudden change after 2 months or 3 months or a year from the marriage they didn't really change it's the qualities that they had before the marriage but you hadn't seen that you didn't really get to know about and this is not hypocrisy this is not hypocrisy otherwise all human beings are hypocrites no, this is natural instincts we were raised this way we're biologically engineered it's like some animals that camouflage right? why do animals camouflage? to protect themselves so that they don't get attacked humans also camouflage they don't camouflage in their bodily colors they camouflage in their attitudes so to win people's hearts no and I hope I, you know I didn't make things really bad for those that are trying to get married now that you've met someone someone you've met recently they seem like a good person he or she they have the qualities most of the qualities that you're looking for but how do you know how do you know that this is the right person for you how do you know that this person is not going to switch this person a year from the marriage is not going to seem like the anti-Christ how do you know for sure that you're going to be compatible and that you're going to have a happy wedding happy marriage and everything is going to work out perfectly after the wedding how do you know that this is the right person for you well to be sure that this is the right person some people go to extreme measures some depend on horoscopes okay well I'm a Gemini and he's a Scorpio and I don't know do they get along supposedly let's say they get along okay well the horoscope says we get along inshallah we'll get along others go and do a background check they go and do a police report about this person their background their history what they've been what they've done have they been to jail that's also extreme others depend on استخارة they go to the sayid or the sheikh I'd like to perform an استخارة I want to see is this person compatible with me or not tonight my dear brothers and sisters in the limited time that we have tonight we'd like to see how can we know for sure that is this person that we've met that we'd like to marry is this person the right person for us should we depend on an استخارة as some people do should we take an استخارة should we just take our chances and marry this person and hope for the best should I go and visit a fortune teller to see is this person going to stick with me or not what is it that we should do do you know that this person is the right person for us tonight I'd like to introduce a 10 step procedure to know number one the first step do not rush do not rush I know most of you that are not married obviously you know rush you're 30 years old more less you've waited a long time you've worked you've made some money you have enough to build a family you've waited long enough enough is enough now you want to start a family you want children you know there's some gray hair popping up in your beard and the train is not going to wait for you however as long as you've waited doesn't mean you should rush it doesn't mean you should marry that person within a week you barely know that person let's get married if you've waited 30 years you could wait another 2 months you could wait another 3 months to get to know this person why the rush a lot of couples they make the mistake as soon as they meet the person after a week after 2 weeks after a month and they're already planning the wedding what's the rush and unfortunately this is part of human nature people are always in a rush وخليق الإنسان عجولة خليق الإنسان من عجل man is hasty man was made from from being hasty wanting to rush and the hadith tell us that being hasty is not good rushing and things is not good whatever it is العجلة من الشيطان being hasty that's part of the instructions from shaitan he tells you to rush rush into things whatever it is this is a long life commitment the person you will marry this is a long life commitment for richer for poorer till death do us part you're signing up forever until death do you part so why do you want to rush good to know this person don't rush there are some couples that rush within a week within a week they feel that they've made their decision they made up their mind or within 2 weeks or even within a month that's not a lot of time what will you know about a person within a week what will you know about a person within 10 days or even within a month not a lot so take your time when they buy a house they take 6 months which is more important buying a house or getting married finding a husband or finding a wife a house is always replaceable don't tell me that a wife is also replaceable I know she is replaceable but when you have kids are your emotions also replaceable are your kids also replaceable some things are not replaceable صلى الله عليه وسلم the second step first you don't rush second ask about this person obviously when you meet a new person you don't know everything about this person you don't know about their past their history their أخلاق their manners their faith their religion you don't know everything thus you have to ask you have to ask that person's friends I'm not saying go and do a background check I'm not saying go to the nearest police station and do a background check on that person you don't need to do that you don't need to get paranoid but ask that person's friends current friends and former friends the local Islamic center or حسينية that person goes to your prospective spouse go to that center go to that حسينية ask people what have you seen from this person is this person a regular does he come to the حسينية does he attend the events ask the local sayed or sheikh or the Imam of the Islamic center what do you think of this person do you see him on and off what do you think of his أخلاق if this person was married before ask ask his ex wife ask ask her ex husband why did he get divorced what happened what was the reason do your research there's some people that do research when finding a job finding a house buying even a car they do a lot of research they spend months during their research they look online but when it comes to marriage for some reason they forget to do their research they forget to ask ask about this person's reputation ask what people think about this person this is very important people's perception about the person that you like to marry that person's reputation and let them know let them know this young man has come and proposed to you he's proposed to your family let him know that you're going to ask about him so that he doesn't get offended because perhaps people will tell him that you know so-and-so family they're asking about you you know you're religiosity so let him know so that he doesn't get offended or let her know that you've asked about her from family members from community members so they don't get offended and by the way if you're ever asked about your marriage you have to be honest that it's not permissible to lie in such cases those who lie in such cases that's the worst kind of lying you have to be honest if you're asked what do you think of this person and you know certain things about that person about their past about their habits you have to be honest you can't lie that person is asking for your genuine opinion they're asking you for advice you can't hold that advice you have to be honest and by the way it will not be considered غيبة it will not be considered backbiting even if you had to say something that are bad about that person these are one of the exceptions of غيبة one of the exceptions of backbiting you're asking for advice when you're asked for advice regarding marriage you are allowed to say everything that you know about this person you are not allowed to conceal your knowledge say your opinion say what you think of this person and it will not be considered غيبة you have to be honest give your opinion this is the second step ask about that person from the local Imam from the community members number 3 number 3 get to know this person get to know this person once you've heard good things about this person about this lady about this young man this person has a good reputation now get to know him you might say why did you first say ask about him or her and then get to know shouldn't we get to know him first or get to know her and then ask why did we switch no if you ask me of course this is not حلال or حرام this is not set in stone it's up to you but if you ask me personally I say first ask about the person ask about her or ask about him get people's perception about that person know what that person's reputation is like what if you ask about her and she ends up having having a very bad reputation do you still want to get to know her if she has the worst reputation for example people are telling you no stay away from her or stay away from him do you still want to get to know that person and waste your time and waste his time or her time why first get to know that person because reputation is everything my dear friends reputation tells you a lot about that person how people perceive that person how people perceive her him in the community what did they know of this person did they see him at the Islamic center does he participate is he religious does he pray does she wear hijab that tells you a lot when you ask about a person's reputation you've done half of your homework the other half is getting to know that person so if you ask about a person and that person has a good reputation go ahead get to know him or if you get mixed some say yes this person is good they vouch for that person others ify you could still get to know that person but if a person has an absolutely bad reputation people are telling you stay away this person doesn't have a good name this person doesn't have a good reputation why do you want to waste your time why do you want to waste your time and bring a person into your house and get to know them when everyone knows that this person has a bad reputation why so that's why I say ask first and then get to know and then get to know or do both but at least let that person have a good reputation or generally not a bad reputation now is it permissible to get to know this person you've proposed to someone can you get to know this lady someone has proposed to you is it okay for you to get to know this person sit together have a conversation talk is this permissible of course of course you can sit with this person of course you can have a discussion well as long as it's within within the red lines within the borders of course get to know this person get to know this person's this person's personality get to know them there's nothing wrong with that in fact you don't even need supervision you don't need parental supervision that young man and young woman could sit together and talk yes as long as it's not in a closed area if it's in a public area they don't need any parental supervision as long as there's no it's not a closed area in a closed room that's fine they could sit they could talk as long as it's in a legitimate means they're getting to know each other with the intention of marriage that's fine in fact that is encouraged know the person that you're getting married to don't have surprises don't meet someone and then be shocked or surprised later on now there are some I know this is controversial there are some young men and women that choose in order to get to know each other of course with the consent of the family to have a temporary marriage to get to know each other for a month or two months with the family's consent and approval and blessings they do that that is up to you that is up to the family that is up to the father, the mother and the family whether they choose to do that or not what I'm trying to say is they should get to know each other and if you ask me if you ask for my personal opinion and from experience that I've seen with people you need at least two months a good two months what this person in order to know about this person within two months within two months you know, two months is reasonable it's not too little and it's not too much it's perfect within two months you will get to see the good side of this person and at the same time you'll get to see the bad side of this person within two months you'll be able to discover is this person angry or does this person not have temporary issues and stingy as this person you know religious or not religious you'll be able to discover these things within the first two months I think that is a reasonable amount of time the fourth step do not be emotional this is a time when you're getting to know a person when you're trying to discover this is a time where you put your emotions aside this is not a time for emotions when making an assessment try to be as logical as possible and as less emotional as possible don't judge things based on looks a lot of people the first judgment that they make is based on looks is this person attractive or not is this person the way you want them to be or not if they're not they won't give this person a chance whatsoever that's being emotional basing things purely on looks or this person has a good sense of humor so he must be a good person or you clicked you clicked within the first session or two sessions that's being emotional do you know that after the 10th session after the first couple of months you're compatible that's being irrational that's being emotional at the same time there's some people that are too picky as well there's people that are too picky as well you know this person he's not tall enough for me I'm tall and I want someone to be tall and he's not tall enough or his nose or his accent that accent is this being is this being logical are you giving this person a chance you're basing a marriage based on that person's nose well I have to say it depends on which kind of nose it is it varies from nose to nose but if it's a good nose that will do you don't ruin a marriage you don't base a marriage based on these small things look deeper in that person look deeper in that person don't be artificial try to look deeper in that person look deeper in that person's qualities that person's traits perhaps you will find something that you're looking for yes attraction is necessary I'm not saying do not marry someone that you're not attracted to you have to marry someone that you're attracted to is attraction the most important quality no but is it a necessary quality yes yes there has to be attraction in the marriage if you marry someone that you're not attracted to that marriage will not last in fact marry someone that's attractive marry someone that has long hair marry someone that has qualities that have been mentioned definitely let there be attraction but is that the most important thing that you should look for should that be number one no there are certain things that are more important the fifth step now that you're getting to know this person ask the right questions you see a lot of people they have 2 months they have a year and you thought that you got to know that this person in that year but you didn't because you didn't ask the right questions you didn't make the right investigations I see a lot of a lot of young people a lot of couples when they get together they ask each other questions they ask the most silly questions what is your favorite movie for real you're going to base your marriage on what's your favorite movie well obviously he's going to say titanic you expect him to say something he's going to choose the movie that you like and when you happen to both like the same movie you think you're compatible because you like the same movie or what's your favorite food obviously he's going to tell you anything that comes out of your kitchen will be my favorite food and he's going to tell you what you'd like to hear what's your favorite don't ask what's your favorite this what's your favorite that ask real questions ask questions that will tell you something about their personality about that person's religiosity ask him or her do they pray on time when is it that you pray right at the top of the Azzan or an hour after or 5 hours after ask ask them a tricky question what time is it and make it a bit tricky give them multiple choice is it 5.48 or 5.58 make it difficult if a person that you're marrying does not know the time of Fajr that's up to you do you want to marry that person that tells you a lot knowing the times of prayers among the questions how often do you go to Majalis ask this question do you go just 10 times out of the year 10 nights out of the year then you disappear all year long or are you a regular you attend Majalis you attend your local Islamic center you attend these are the questions that you should ask for among the questions what is your view on hijab and makeup ask ask your prospective spouse ask your future wife ask her what do you think of hijab don't ask her do you wear hijab obviously you'll be able to tell ask her what is your view on hijab what is your view on makeup you want to see are your views compatible or not something that's very important is that there's intellectual compatibility as well you want to be on the same level you don't want to be up here and the person that you're marrying is over here on the intellectuality you know there's no intellectual compatibility you want to be on the same level I'm not saying you have to share all of your views it's okay to disagree but is there some intellectual compatibility there has to be so ask for example do you listen to music hopefully you'll get an honest answer and that they don't listen to music do you go to mixed gatherings mixed parties mixed weddings this is a very important question do you go to these mixed events where people are wearing flashy clothing and there's no hijab and there's lots of makeup and there's lots of interaction and there's lots of chatting and jokes if you care about these things at least you should ask you should ask your future spouse among the questions you should ask your future husband or wife do you have friends from the opposite gender and do you keep in touch with them and do you mix with them this is a very important question if you're the type that doesn't want your wife to have male friends all of a sudden you discover that most of her friends are male well at least you know this ahead of time not that after the marriage you discover that she doesn't have any girlfriends all of her friends are male or the opposite you marry a guy and he didn't know this all of a sudden we discover that he has a lot of female friends and you're not comfortable with that at least discover this before the marriage before the wedding and one of the most important questions that you should ask your future spouses what do you think of sayر حسين القزوني's lectures this is a very important question make them list at least 5 of his lectures صلى الله عليه وسلم صلى الله عليه وسلم صلى الله عليه وسلم the sixth step and this is you know this is quite contemporary we wouldn't be talking about this 10 years ago right now we have to the sixth step is go and see that person's social networking sites accounts that person's facebook that person's twitter that person's instagram that person's i don't know there's new sites every day i can't keep up with them whenever there's a new site they have an account whatever site they have to have that account go and see what are they posting what kind of pictures is she posting you know you can tell a lot about a young lady or a young man just by their facebook accounts or their twitter accounts or their instagram accounts go see the pictures are they good pictures are they flashy pictures lots of makeup the hijab is you know go see go see what is on their account go look at their statuses their tweets do they use foul language you know i see a lot of youth on these social networking sites they use foul language that tells a lot about their character what kind of language are they using what do they tweet about anything islamic what are their interests you can discover so much just by looking at a person's facebook or a person's twitter or a person's instagram go see you might be surprised you might discover things that you did not know about about this person again these are certain things you know when i got married this didn't exist i'm sure many of the elders here this didn't exist at their time but today these things exist and these things say a lot about a person's character a lot about a person's personality a lot about a person's religiosity go and see take a look at that person's accounts and perhaps you'll discover a lot of things the seventh step the test give that person a test i'm not talking about the hiv test or anything nothing like that give a person a personality test or a religious test how how do you give a person a test you give them a question a hypothetical question for example the lady for example she tests her prospective husband she tells him what would you do after we got married if i took off my hijab what would you do what would be your reaction are you okay with that or would you divorce me would you go marry another wife what would you do what is your reaction that's a very important question that will tell you a lot about that person or the man can ask the lady what would you do hypothetically speaking what would you do after the marriage if i ask you to take off your hijab now hopefully this lady is wearing a hijab when you married her she's not wearing a hijab that's another problem if you're assuming that she wears hijab you tell her what would you do if i ask you to take off your hijab look at her reaction look at her answer her answer will say a lot about her about her religiousness about her religion will say a lot about her أخلاق about her personality does she have a strong personality does she have a strong character or not ask hypothetical questions what would you do what if i started drinking what would you do hypothetical scenarios hypothetical questions this will tell you a lot about that person what if i lost my job ask her what if i lost my job and i went bankrupt would you still marry me you'll be able to discover did she marry you for your money or no you'll be able to discover did she marry you for your Canadian passport or she married you for you you tell him what if i got in a car accident and my face got disfigured and i'm not as beautiful would you still live with me you know that could happen have you seen the movie vanilla sky yes no i don't know some people can get in a car accident and their face is disfigured and they lose their beauty well if you married her for your beauty guess what it's over now the reason why you married her now it's gone are you going to stick with her or not ask him that question what would you do these are hypothetical questions that will tell you a lot about that person about that person's personality about that person's attitude about the way that person thinks give her a question give her a test this is a test إمام علي عليه السلام he gave his wife a test he gave her a test he discovered that she's extremely beautiful the outer appearance but he wanted to see which beauty the inner beauty as well he wanted to see if the outer beauty now he asked her a question he told her do you have any request for me on a night like this she thought about it for a moment she said yes I want you to change my name her name was Fatima why? she said because you're children you're orphan children when they hear the name of Fatima they will remember their mother and their hearts will be broken so change my name she passed the test and that day he called her this was a test إمام علي عليه السلام gave his wife a test why don't you give your future spouse a test so that you'll get to know them you'll discover them the 8th step get your parents opinion let your father know what he knows ask your father what he thinks ask your mother what she thinks you know our parents they care for us they care for us more than we care for ourselves they want what's best for us what's best for us they'll always keep an eye out for you throughout your life ever since you're a child they kept their eye out for you now that you're getting married they're overprotective they want the best wife or husband for you ask for their opinion this is one they want the best for you two, your parents will give you rational advice logical advice not emotional advice because when you get to know a person emotions will be involved and sometimes emotions will not let you think clearly they'll start thinking emotional but your parents they're not thinking emotionally they're thinking logically and logically they will see aspects of that person which you're not seeing things that you're not seeing in this person your parents are saying your mother will catch things that you did not catch your father will catch things that you did not catch get their opinion this is why in Islam that the father the father has willaya over his daughter he has authority he has the final say he could decide whether this person is good for my daughter or not because the father thinks logically and rationally he's not thinking emotionally you know if his daughter is thinking emotionally she's in love with this guy because he told her he's a sweet talker he told her that he loves her this is not going to this is not going to work that magical spell that the young man has on their girl is not going to work on her father he's not going to think emotionally he's going to think rationally that's why the father has the final say ask for their opinion their opinion matters your parents want the best for you ask your siblings as well ask for their opinion their opinion also matters you're looking for a young lady to marry as a wife ask what your sister thinks now your sister is going to do her own investigation she's going to look at angles and aspects that you're not paying attention to ask a person comes and proposes to you a young man comes and proposes to you ask what your brother thinks of him ask for his opinion what matters because he will look at angles that you did not look at the ninth step get away from everyone put your phone aside put your computer aside and think think rationally think logically don't let anyone persuade you don't have anyone influence you this is your chance to think about it and take your time there's no rush you don't want to make a mistake marry someone and then you discover that you married the wrong person think clearly think rationally think logically take as much time as you want and make your decision the tenth step is this necessary is it necessary for a person to make an istikhara if you're confident about a person you've done your research you've asked you've asked about that person's reputation you got to know that person you feel confident about that person there's no need for an istikhara if you're confident if you're sure whether yes or no if you're confident that you want to marry this person that's enough if you're confident that this person is not good for you that's enough why take an istikhara you don't need to take an istikhara istikhara should be your last resort when you're absolutely indecisive you've asked you've done your research you've lucked at that person's social networking sites you've gotten to know the person you've asked from his ex-wife from her ex-husband you've done enough research you've done enough thinking and still you can't make up your mind then and only then your resort to istikhara then you go to a seyyid or a sheikh or if you know how to make an istikhara and you're making an istikhara there's some people as soon as someone comes and proposes to them for marriage or they meet someone for marriage immediately they go and make an istikhara this is not right this is not how istikhara works istikhara is when you've thought about it you've asked for advice you've done your research you've done research from all sort of angles and you still can't make a decision then you resort to istikhara not the first day and there are others who are the opposite extreme that refuse to make an istikhara and they take it lightly why? if you've done your work and you still can't make a decision ask Allah SWT to help you make a decision don't be too extreme there's two extremes when it comes to istikhara those who jump and want to make an istikhara right away and there are those that reject now remember that there's something called if you've done all that you can about a person and this person seems to have the right qualities توكل على الله وعلى الله فلية توكل المؤمنون don't be paranoid don't go into this marriage with lots of fears and paranoia that I'm not sure if you've done all that you can توكل على الله depend on Allah and hope for the best and also remember the power of du'a the power of du'a when you've done all that you can you've done your research you've asked for advice and you've decided to marry this person ask Allah for help say a du'a ask Allah to make this marriage a blessed marriage and this person the most rightful person for you the best person for you the perfect person for you ask Allah there's some people that forget this they forget to ask Allah for help and to make this person the right person for them du'a du'a has immense power let's not forget the power of du'a du'a