 Craft presents the Great Gilder Sleeves. Hee hee hee hee hee hee. The craft cheese company will also bring you Bing Crosby every Thursday night. Present each week at this time Harold Perry as the Great Gilder Sleeve. Written by John Wheaton and Sam Moore. Here from the Great Gilder Sleeve in just a moment. But first with food shoppers everywhere thinking in terms of ration stamps as well as money let me suggest a way to economize with both. Yes and supply a mealtime variety that'll really make your family sit up and take notice. Here's the secret. The next time you plan a shopping trip, include on your list, Pabstet, the delicious nourishing cheese food. For just three, red ration points and surprisingly few pennies, you buy a generous package of cheese goodness that's a real help in preparing wartime meals. The tantalizing cheddar cheese flavor of Pabstet is grand with economical rice or macaroni dishes. And Pabstet toasts and slices to perfection. Or you can melt it to a smooth golden cheese sauce that does wonders with leftovers of meat or fish or vegetables. Pabstet is a fine source of important milk nutrients too. Milk protein, milk minerals, food energy, vitamin A and vitamin G that's also called riboflavin. So remember the name Pabstet, the economical red stamp value. In the diary of Throckmorton P. Gildersleeve, a monumental work has yet unpublished, we find in the Spensarian hand of the great man himself this entry. Dear diary, today I made a vow. I'll never speak to Judge Horace Hooker again. As long as I live, I'll never speak to him. Even if he comes crawling to me on his hands and knees, I'll never speak to him. Even on my deathbed, there's some things a man cannot forgive a friend and one of them is stabbing him in the back when he isn't looking. And thereby hangs a tale. It was on the morning of Friday, April 9th, the time, 8.30. Thank you. Our friend Gildersleeve was glancing through the paper while awaiting the arrival of Judge Hooker with whom he was to share a ride to the office. Uncle Mord, if you have to be at the office by 9, you better get going. Oh my goodness, is that clock right? As far as I know. Birdie, call up and find out what time it is, will you? Yes, sir. They won't give you the time anymore, Uncle Mord. Well, I'd like to know why not. Must be a military secret. Yes. Then by George you can call them up and tell them they can come and take their phone out of here. Oh, Uncle Mord, cool off. I mean it. Tell them to take it out today. I don't want it around. Yes, sir. Can't give us the time. What good is a telephone if you can't? Leroy, turn on the radio. See if you can get a time signal. OK, Uncle. Not a clock in the whole house you can depend on. Can't depend on clocks. Can't depend on the phone company. Can't depend on the judge. He, God's, and I have to be at the mayor's office at 9 o'clock. Oh, Leroy! Is this a madhouse? A US. Never mind. I can't wait for the judge any longer. I'll just have to take my own car. If you're in a hurry, Uncle, I'll back it out for you. You'll do nothing of the kind. You can go and open the garage for me, though. OK, got the keys? Keys? Where are they? If Judge Hooker's got my keys now. Judge Hooker hasn't got your keys? Birdie, have you seen my? Oh, somebody put them in my pocket. Probably the brownies. Yes. And don't be fresh here. Now my coat. Mr. Guilfrey, what about that coffee? It's about ready. I'm sorry. I haven't got time for it now. Better take an umbrella, Uncle Morse. Looks like rain. I haven't got time for rain. Mr. Guilfrey, we can't throw out coffee. You want coffee, Jelly? Don't bother me now about coffee, Jelly. I have to see the mayor. Oh, where's Leroy? He went out to the garage. If Judge Hooker turns up, don't forget to tell him. Tell him what? What did you say? What shall I tell him? Don't ask me. I'm late already. Oh, this is going to be one of his bad days. Please? Be sure and have whipped cream on it. Whipped cream on what? The coffee, Jelly. Keep asking me that. I don't want you fooling around with a car. You wreck it. Oh, stick in your shirt, Leroy. What is it? Well, get off the running board. This is Friday, young man. Don't forget the ash can. I can't hear you. I said, don't forget the ash can. I'll kill you, Leroy. This is a fine time to show up. What's the idea of backing into me? Who backed into you? It's a wonder some people wouldn't look where they're going. I had the right of way. I was coming in. It's my driveway, isn't it? It's not your street. Oh, you all right? I'm all right, but look at that rear fender. Yeah, look at my bumper. How'd I know you were coming out of there? Are you deaf? I blew my horn. Yeah, after you crashed into me. Leroy, didn't I blow my horn? You saw it happen? Yes, you saw it happen, Leroy. He backed into me, didn't he? Backed into him. He was going a good 40 miles an hour in a residential district with children all around and inadequate breaks. You saw it, didn't you, Leroy? Sorry, I didn't see a thing. Leroy. Your shoes are untied right now. Both up. Yeah, that's funny. Oh, my man, what happened? Does he all right? Is he all right? What about me? I had a narrow escape, Bertie, but fate spared me this time. By the way, you witnessed the crime, didn't you? Crime? Well, all I know is I was looking out the kitchen with him. Good. Now tell me if this isn't the way it happened. I was coming down the street, well over to the right, looking in both directions and going not over eight or nine miles an hour when this wild man came charging on me. Bertie, don't you get mixed up in this. You go into the house. Yes, you can't do that, Gilderslee. She's my witness. Well, she's my cook. By golly, if I have to, I'll subpoena her. Oh, you hear that, Bertie? He's going to subpoena you. That's all, brother. This is getting too hard here for me. Gilderslee, I charge you with intimidating a witness. You intimidate it, or you and your subpoenas. You go racing around town in that juggernaut of yours, that death car, that Rio. Just a minute, Gilderslee. What's your license number, Hooker? Well, you breathe, can't you? Right there on the plate. Write it down, Leroy, before he gets away. All right, George, I'll see my lawyer about this. All right, ahead. I'm your lawyer. I can tell you you haven't got a leg to stand on. No. Well, I haven't got a lawyer either. I just fired him. It's hanging by a thread. What are we stopping here for, huh? I've got to see a man about my insurance. See Harvey. I want to show him the damage while it's fresh. See Harvey, Diggs. Just stay kiddin'. Just hop out, Leroy. You better run for it. He'll be late to school. OK. Hello, huh? Goodbye, and watch out for cars. I never know what maniac is be driving these days. Mr. Gilderslee, well, well, well, come in. Uh-huh, Diggs. I heard you when judging me. I heard you when Judge Hooker had a little run in this morning. How did you hear that? It didn't happen 20 minutes ago. Oh, news travels in this town, you know. Is that there wasn't any damage? No damage. You ought to see my automobile. Whole rear fenders smashed to a pulp. Well, these little things will happen. That's why we have insurance company. Sit down, sit down. I can't. I've got to see the mayor, Diggs. Say, you know that policy you sold me? On your automobile, wasn't it? Yeah, that's right. Well, I have. You know I've always been sorry I couldn't interest you in that little life insurance plan I drew up for you in life. I'd like to see you have that protection, Gilderslee. Right now I'm interested in the automobile. I know it's only human. We keep putting it off. But it's something we all have to face sooner or later. Now, only the other day I had a man come to me. He happened to be a very important executive here in town. You'd know him at once if I were to tell you his name. I'd been after that man for five years. And only the other day he said to me, Diggs, he said, I don't know how to thank you for what you've done for me. Good. I'm glad he's taken care of. Now, let's talk about me. I have this policy. Yes, just what I was getting to. Now, that's a very fine policy you've got there, as far as it goes. But it doesn't go far enough. You sold it to me? Mr. Gilderslee, I'm going to ask you a question. Have you ever considered what would become of your loved ones in the event that you were suddenly to pass on? Mr. Diggs, I'm going to give you an answer. I'm likely to pass on right now to the next insurance man if you won't listen to me. All I'm interested in is collecting the policy I've got. Well, you're the doctor, Mr. Gilderslee. Yes, sir. That's what we're here for to service our customers. Good. I've got the policy right here. I can't make head or tails out of it. Well, well, now we'll just have a look. Let's see, bodily injury, property damage, collision or upset, comprehensive. What does it say? Mr. Gilderslee, that's a very fine piece of protection you've got there. My advice to you would be to hold on to it. What do you mean? Providential and mutual fire and loss. That's one of the biggest insurance companies in the state of Rhode Island. And Rhode Island is one of the smallest states in the Union. Well, we can't always judge by size, you know. The Providential Mutual has been serving the public now for 48 years. I had the pleasure of visiting the home office back there in 1923. In fact, I had the pleasure of dining with one of the vice presidents. Oh, he has a lovely home there, just outside of Provident. Well, I'm glad he's living well. You didn't happen to ask me about that busted rear fender on my automobile. Fender? Yes. I had a little accident this morning, remember? I ran into Judge Hooker. I mean, Hooker ran into me. Smashed my fender. I'd like to collect. Mr. Gilderslee, that's one thing I'll say for the Providential Mutual. They settled promptly. Good. No argument, no waiting around. They pay us. Great. However, the type of policy you have here doesn't happen to cover this particular type of accident. It's what? Don't misunderstand me. It's a very fine policy and it has some very fine features. But for this kind of coverage, I'd suggest a different type of policy. Now, if you think. Tell me something. Do you carry insurance? Well, of course. I wouldn't be without it. I hope it covers a punch in the nose. Something more to this. How did it go today, Uncle Mohler? Oh, like that? Yeah, like that. Get this machine gun out of here, Leroy. A man can't even sit down in his own chair. Sorry, Uncle. How did you come out on the insurance? Oh, dandy. What do you mean? Well, it seems I have a policy, but no insurance. If I want to collect, I'll have to collect from Hooker. And if Hooker wanted to sue me, I wouldn't have announced the protection. Oh, he wouldn't sue you? He's a friend of yours. He was a friend of mine. That old gink would sue his own mother. Leroy. I've inclined to believe you're right, my boy. I don't think you ought to talk that way about Judge Hooker. You ought to hear what he says about you. Hey, Mohler, it's Wednesday now. I'm start. I don't know. You're about to ask Bertie. But I'm dying. Well, go outside and die. Uncle Mohler, I think you and the judge are acting like a couple of schoolboys. Huh? You had a little accident, and you were both on the wrong. Now, why don't you admit it? Who was in the wrong? I was backing out of my own driveway, watching very carefully. And the first thing I know... Hey, you, come here. What do you want? Come with me. Out to the kitchen. Huh? What for, Leroy? What's up? Oh, my. Don't be quiet. What's all the mystery about? Don't open the door. Just listen. Young man, I've told you what I thought of eavesdropping. I told you I never... Hey, Bertie. You said you were looking out the kitchen window at the time of the accident occurred. Booker. No judge, I didn't say that. That is not exactly... Hey, Bertie, remember. Nothing you say here is going to be used against you. Yeah, not against her, maybe. Well, I don't know if I'll say anything, judge, Mr. Ducley might not like it. But don't you worry about Mr. Gildersleeve, Bertie. He has anything to say. You always know when you can get a job. Oh! Well? Booker, if there's anything lower than a man who would run down a friend when he wasn't looking, it's a man who would sneak in his backdoor and steal his cook. I have not been sneaking in any backdoors. Oh, no? No. He really happened to be taking a shortcut across the lot here. And dropped in for a handout, I suppose. Bertie. I didn't want to say nothing, Mr. Gildersleeve. I'm not blaming you, Bertie. I just didn't want no hope of culpice at all. It just happens, Gildersleeve, that Bertie is a legal witness and I have a legal right to question her. Well, you go take a legal walk for yourself. You're trespassing on private property here, Judge. I'll have you charged with breaking and entering, as well as coaching a witness. Don't quote the law at me, my friend. Don't you call me your friend. As far as I'm concerned, I'll never speak to you again. And kindly have the decency not to address me. I'll get out of here. I shall be delighted. And put back that cupcake. The great Gildersleeve will be with us again in a few seconds. Meanwhile, here's a tip for homemakers. The way to spend red ration stamps to best advantage is to plan family meals several days in advance, using a list of point values as your guide. That way, you can make sure that meals are good tasting and well balanced and provide the variety your family likes. And as you plan, be sure to include quality foods like Fabstep, the delicious cheese food that's good in such a wide variety of ways. You'll find that Fabstep is a grand help for your wartime budget because it costs only a few cents and just three red ration points per package. And whether you melt or toast or slice it, the whole family will go for its grand cheddar cheese flavor. What's more, Fabstep's a fine source of important milk nutrients and is highly adjustable. Now, your dealer may not have Fabstep the very first time you try to buy it because so much cheese and other dairy foods are going to war, but everything is being done to keep dealers supplied. So ask for Fabstep, V-A-B-S-T, hyphen E-T-T, Fabstep, the delicious nourishing cheese food. Now let's get back to the Great Gilder Sleeve. About 24 hours have passed since his epic crash with Judge Hooker, so we find him once more about to set out for the office, a trifle earlier than usual, though, since he knows that today he'll have to walk to work. Is there any more oatmeal, Bertie? I'm sorry, Mr. Gildsleeve, but we is open. Uh, some more toast, then, I guess. Or are we breadless? No, sir, not quite. Leroy, finish your oatmeal. Oh, gee, you're hungry, so I gotta eat. I'm not hungry. I simply wish to store up energy. Oh, gosh, I don't have to walk to the city hall. That will do, young man. Answer that, please, and stick your shirt tail in. Okay. My fiancee, young man, in here, Leroy. Oh, darling, are you all right? What, what are you, what am I, what? Well, I heard about your accident. Oh, my poor baby, my precious lamb. Born safe. Go away. Never mind your oatmeal. Go to school. It's Saturday. Good, just get out of here. Scat. Okay. Oh, Throckmonton, are you sure you're all safe and sound? Of course I'm safe and sound. Oh, but it must have been such a frightful crash. Judge Hooker says... Judge Hooker? Yes, he says you were going 40 miles an hour. Leela, I was going backwards. Oh, that's what makes it so hideous. Leela, did Judge Hooker tell you this? No, Throckmonton. He told Sarah Pettibone and Sarah told me. What else did she say after he said the big faker? Well, just that you wrecked his car completely and that he was lucky to live to tell the tale. Leela, he almost wrecked my car. He was tearing down the street like he was drunk or crazy. What's more, I'd never even scratched him. Oh, well, I imagine Sarah got it mixed up. I'm glad you're feeling all right, anyhow, Throckmonton. Well, glad you're glad, Leela. Hooker's gonna pay me damages too. He'll pay me if I have to sue him. Well, will they cost quite a bit, Throckmonton? Well, so far, only $2 for my fender. But I imagine there'll be internal injuries. Hmm. They're always all. Well, you take good care of yourself now, Throckmonton, because I want you to do something for me this evening. What is it, Leela? Well, I want you to come to a meeting of my Red Cross committee tonight. Red Cross committee? I can't roll bandages. I can't even roll a cigarette. Oh, no, silly. This is to raise money. Oh, well, I can't say no to that, can I? What time? Well, I told everybody eight o'clock, but I think it would be nice if you came over a little early, could you? For you, I could. Oh, you cute boy, you. Now, wait a minute, Leela. Hooker isn't on this committee, is he? If he's on it, I won't have anything to do with it. Oh, of course, Throckmonton. I mean, of course not. Oh, well, I've got to be getting back to my housework. Oh, my goodness, I've got to get down to the office. Yes, dear. Oh, I'm glad nothing happened to my precious fiance. Goodbye, darling. I'll see you to see you. Yeah, goodbye, Leela. Got to get going. Hey, goodbye. Here's your toast, Mr. Guilty. Oh, thank you, Bertie. Why, this toast is cold. Well, sir, I didn't want to interrupt anything. Nothing to interrupt. Bertie, we might have suffered a little early this evening, so I'll be able to finish by seven. Yes, sir. Yeah, then I'll have time to- Hey, come to the window quick. The window? What's the matter, Leeroy? Why didn't you see what's going past the house? Hear out this window. This better be good, young man, or I won't like it. Good, but you won't like it. Yeah, huh? Hey. I can't believe it. What is it, Mr. Guilty? Judge Hooker on crutches. My goodness. Didn't have no crutches last night. Of course not. He's just faking. Well, gosh, if he isn't hurt, what's the idea of the crutches? Oh, he wants to impress his lawyer. He wants to impress everybody. Well, if that's his game, I can do better than that. How? What you going to do, Uncle? I'm going down to Pee-Vee's drugstore and get me a wheelchair. Ha ha ha ha ha. Hello, slaves. You weren't in yesterday. Yes, I've been pretty busy. Lawsuits and whatnot. Say, Pee-Vee, you rent crutches, don't you? Yes, I do maintain a pair of crutches here. That's what I thought. Well, uh- More as a service to my customers than anything else. There's not much profit in it. Oh, I suppose not. Well, what I- Most of the time, they just lie there in the back room eating up to overhead. Yeah. Well, what I wanted to know- Every time I go to make up a prescription, I fall over them. Very annoying. I can imagine. Very monotonous, too. What I wanted to ask you, Pee-Vee- I'm thinking of giving them up all together. Ha ha ha ha. I wish you would. I wish you'd forget them, too. What I want to know is, Pee-Vee, did you rent those crutches to Judge Hooker? No, yes. As a matter of fact, I did, just this morning. I knew it. Now tell me, Pee-Vee, just between you and me, when Judge Hooker came in here for him, was he limping? I wouldn't say he was limping, exactly. No. Good. In other words, you're prepared to testify that up to the time he rented those crutches, he appeared to be in just as good shape as you or I. No, no, no, I wouldn't say that. Well, as good shape as you, anyway. Well... I mean no limp or anything. Just his normal slouch. You'll, uh... You'll testify to that, won't you, Pee-Vee? I don't know that I'd care to testify to anything. Now don't get scared, Pee-Vee. I'm not going to drag you into court. I'm just trying to line up a few facts and witnesses, just in case. I know, but a man can't be too careful, Mr. Gildersleeve. Circumstantial evidence, you know. What's circumstantial about it? Well, take yourself. Now you'd say you were in good health, wouldn't you? Never better. You look well, too. Thank you. But do we know, Mr. Gildersleeve? Do we know? What do you mean? You might drop dead any minute. What? It's a fact. I had a man come in here one day perfectly well. Just felt a little funny, that's all. And all of a sudden... he dropped dead right where you were standing. Oh, don't move. It was just a heart attack. Oh, just a little heart attack, eh? Pee-Vee, will you tell me what all this has got to do with whether Hooker needs crutches or not? That's what I'm trying to find out. I'm afraid I couldn't express an opinion on that. Professional ethics, you know. After all, I'm a pharmacist. I'm not asking your opinion as a pharmacist. I'm asking your opinion as a crutch-reader. Well, I will say this, Mr. Gildersleeve. Yes? Crutches never hurt anybody. Oh, Pee-Vee, you make me tired. Why don't you ever answer us? Give anybody a straight answer. All you can say is, well, now I wouldn't say that. Well, now I wouldn't say that. Goodbye! Ooh, you look beautiful in that dress, Leela. Oh, do I? Yeah, much too good for a committee meeting. Eh, couldn't we go out? Now, Throckmorton, I've got things to do before the others get here. Yeah, so I... Throckmorton! Please, Leela, just one little kiss for the Red Cross? Well, just one. What's that? You told me the others weren't coming late o'clock. I thought I'd have a chance to... Well, I thought I'd have a... Who the devil is it, anyway? Well, I think Judge Hook always knocks like that. Hooker, I thought you said he wasn't coming. Well, no, I didn't, Throckmorton. I said he wasn't on the committee. Well, what's the idea of him hanging around here with secret knocks on my fiancee's door? By George, if I lay my hands on him... Throckmorton, please, go in the dining room and wait. I'll think of some excuse to send him home. Well, all right, but make it quickly, Leela. I'm liable to lose my temper. Hush, you can listen to everything I say. I will, anyway. Come right in, won't you? Thank you, Leela. Well, aren't you going to ask me why I'm on crutches? Oh, are you? Oh, my goodness gracious, so you are. Horace, it's your lumbago again, and you shouldn't be out in this weather. You go right home, you hear? It's not my lumbago, Leela. Now, Horace, don't be vain. You said it wasn't lumbago last time, and you had to go to bed for a week. Leela, I am not suffering from any organic complaint. You're walking on crutches because of your fiancee. Really, Horace? He drives his car around this town like a murderer. Who's a murderer? Oh. Is that Mr. Gilder's sleeve in the dining room, Leela? Yes, Judge. I wouldn't have come here if I'd known he'd be here. Neither would I. Oh, please, Judge. Let me talk to him for just a minute. Perhaps it's you wait here. Please. All right. It's better to be quiet while I talk to Horace. You want me to stand there like a wooden Indian while he calls me a murderer? Now, honey, he didn't call you a murderer. Exactly. He was just telling me about his injury. His injury? There's nothing to matter with him. Throgmorton, he's on crutches, and it's your fault. He doesn't need those crutches. If you don't quit calling me a murderer, he will. Leela, I didn't... Who's calling people criminals? I've been doing it for 20 years, and I've never missed yet. Leela, I swore yesterday I'd never speak to that old goat again. But Throgmorton... I'll never speak to that fat windbag. Horace, please. Tell him this, Leela. There's nothing lower than an ambulance, Chaser. Tell him I'll sue him for that. Yes, all he can think of is suing people, pushing innocent people through the knot holes in the law. Throgmorton. Tell the big coward to shut up. Who's a coward? Tell him to lay down his crutches, Leela, and I'll knock his block off. Tell him to come ahead. Boy, stop. Now look what you did, Hooker. Me? I'm sorry, Leela. I'm sorry too, Leela. I don't believe you. He's the one of you. Leela, I've been a bad boy. I have too, Leela. You've both been awful. Now you've got to promise me you won't fight anymore. Well... Oh, I knew you weren't sorry. My honor is a gentle one. That's more the way I like to hear you boys talk. Now she can. Well... That's fine. Now you stay friends. I've got to get a clean hug. I don't mean a word of this, give or sleep. I've been seriously injured and I'm going to sue you tomorrow for $100,000. I'm not even surprised to hear it, Hooker. But I'll tell you right now, I'll fight you all the way up to the Supreme Court and if I lose there, I won't pay. Oh, is that so? Yes. You don't need those clutches and you know it. Prove it. Prove it all. Oh, see my two boys as friendly as two clams in a stew. What are we all talking about? Uh, post-war planning. Oh, that's awfully interesting. Why don't we all sit down for a minute? Sit down, all right. Thank you. I think post-war planning is just as important as rationing, don't you? I do indeed. In fact, I was... Oh. Oh, uh, I'll go, Leela. No, let me go. Don't forget, Killers Leave, none but the quick-deserved affair. Oh, is that so, Judd? What are you laughing at? At you, you old goat, you forgot your crutches. That splendid, my boy. What is the job? It's a sit. A messenger, huh? Oh, what's a summons? Leeroy. Good night, everybody. Music on this program was under the direction of Swag Sweep, and this is Ken Carpenter speaking for the Kraft Cheese Company and inviting you to listen in again next week for the further adventures of the Great Killers League. Right now, which is the most important economy in your food budget? Money or red ration points? Well, most likely, the answer is both. So there's no better time to get acquainted with foods like parquet, the quality margarine made by Kraft. For parquet costs just five red ration stamps and so little money. And yet, it has a delicate appetizing flavor that really satisfies. Yes, you'll like the taste of parquet, spread on bread and toast and rolls, and you'll like it as a seasoning for hot-cooked vegetable, too. If you bake your own cakes and cookies, you'll find parquet is a real flavor shortening. And it's grand for pan frying. What's more, parquet is a highly nutritious energy food, and it contains important vitamin A. If your dealer doesn't have parquet margarine the first time you ask, it's because of wartime shortages and because parquet is growing more popular every day. But Kraft is doing everything possible to keep all dealers supplied. So watch for parquet, B-A-R-K-A-Y, parquet margarine made by Kraft. The program came to you from Hollywood. This is the National Broadcasting Company.