 Welcome to the first episode of the No Show. Let's get it on. I'm Holly Brown, and here's the opening story with Dan Cople. Thanks, Holly. During a university of college student faculty form, Dean Schwartz produced a boisterous gas emission when asked about the minority problem on campus. Sophomore Zeke Sparks, the reporter for the college, posed a question during the severe lack of minority students. Upon hearing the question, Dean Schwartz paused for reflection and then unleashed a loud and odiferous fart in the general vicinity of the said reporter. Various minority groups issued a statement saying, we're opposed to the foul response of Dean Schwartz, and we hope he rectifies the action. The minority situation is nothing to fart on. And now, sidelines. During the speech earlier today, President Clinton urged the entertainment industry to improve award show banter. Whether it is the Academy Awards, the Grammys, or the Blockbuster Entertainment Awards, the award show banter between presenters is weak and lacks any sort of whimsical repartee. Our award show banter is in jeopardy, stated Clinton. Clinton's proposed legislation, which he hopes Congress will pass, calls for $50 million, all at the expense of taxpayers, to be spent on the improvement of award show banter writing, which would include witty one-liners and snappy zingers of humorous or light-hearted nature. Additional money will be spent on teaching dumb actors how to read teleprompters. Freshman Chuck Bender announced an indifferent and apathetic crowd that he has had it up to here. Bender noted heavy course load, long hours of work, and all the goddamn lies fed to him about all night caggers and group orgies are the basis for him having it up to here. Bender concluded, college fucking sucks, man. And everyone thinks I'm gay. Just days after the inaugural celebration of the new Jack Ruby assassination bench, located next to Ilbrook dining hall, the death toll has reached 37. A footage as events unfold. The dining hall's edition of Magic Brownies to their menu is drawing overwhelming approval from University of college students. According to the University of college debt dessert variety, the Magic Brownies are the highest rated cafeteria food and have not chick witches off the top spot. OK, the voices in my head are telling me that we have some film on the subject and we'd like to go live to footage to reporter Ben with more details on the popularity of the Brownies Ben. In an attempt to get to the bottom of the Magic Brownie issue, we've talked to Leroy Jenkins, manager here at Ilbrook dining hall. It's really amazing. I can't believe all the positive response from the students. I really like the Magic Brownies. When we introduced them, we thought they had a limited appeal. You know, the hemp club, the fish heads, and the fleece wearing types. Well, due to the high success, we'll be adding other delicious snacks with any luck for my connections. We'll soon be adding dope donuts, dank chicken nuggets, laced chocolate cake, and crack cocaine. I mean, delicious white powder thingies. Very interesting, yes. I then asked some students what they thought about the Magic Brownies. Dude, like these brownies are the shit. I love them, right, Andrew? Like, I got some sort of chemical in them, some shit, man. I think it might be cinnamon or cocoa powder. They're just awesome. Dude, Scooby-Doo's on. Oh, let's bounce. These Magic Brownies are so fucking good. They're just so addicted to them. They're awesome. I just think they're something in them. And I really like them. And they just make me want to eat more and more and more. I love them. Upon eating the brownies, Miss Jane then proceeded to stare at a brick wall for eight hours. For final comment on the brownie issue, we talked to Chef T-Dog of Billings Dining Hall. Now, a lot of people are wondering, what's in these dank brownies? Hey, people, don't worry about what's in there. It's all good. This shit gets you high. Delicious sweet sugar goodness. Now, if you'll excuse me, I gotta go posh my three foot up. The No Show promises to keep you updated on any new dank information nuggets that we may come across. I'm Ben French for the No Show. There's still much more to come on the No Show. Weatherman Trevor has some winter storm survival tips. And the girl everyone wants to know, Becky, the overly enthusiastic R.A. And we've got a commentary that will make you think long and hard about the New Haven's dildo advertisement still to come on the No Show. All right, crazy. No Show Weather Center, here's our weatherman with the tips. Thanks, Holly. And now, what you do if you're trapped in a winter storm? If string on the road with a passenger, never rule out a grisly murder suicide. If driving during icy conditions, avoid skating into small children. However, if a collision with a child is unavoidable, put quickly and leave for dead. Resolute cannibalism only if food is not within reach. During construction of a makeshift shelter, avoid any alien parasites you may come across. To prevent frostbite, gnaw off all fingers and toes before going outside. Let the encompassing white blanket snow be a good time to talk to kids about white supremacy. Spread a generous amount of lard in and around rectum to keep anus warm and toasty. If temperature drops below zero, let in all pets and elderly. Keep suicidal thoughts alive by viewing Corey Feldman's filmography. Remove snow from driveway and place it inside where you can keep an eye on it. To keep company, take in any deranged or retarded homeless people. Allow two to three hours before lacing hot chocolate with cyanide. If driving during bad weather, keep one to three of ice by using an ice scraper. Or if necessary, a shotgun. And finally, pray for a quick and painless death. Now back to you, Holly. Thanks for those weather tips, Trevor. Boy, that'll definitely make the next storm a little more bearable. Those will be helpful. And now we go to our campus profile of the week, live to tape, Tabaki. Hi, everyone, how you doing? Wow, it's so neat to be here. I just love scanning all the student organizations out there. Remember, student body, it's so important to get out there and get involved in some activities. After all, you can't spell involved without I.N. I remember when I first came here to the University of College, I didn't know what to join. But luckily, I discovered the Cat's Meow Club. It's this great student-run organization dedicated to sewing faces of cats on huge banners throughout the campus. And now that I'm a senior at University of College, I'm happy to say that I'm not only a Cat's Meow Club member, but I'm also the president. And between that and being an RA at the best residence hall on campus, low-call, Becky is one busy beaver. Enough of my gibber-dabber. Let's get on to the great event that we have scheduled for in my biased opinion, the best residence hall on campus, low-call. Hey, yeah, to my 5A girls, you rock. Okay, guys and gals, this is what we have in store. On Thursday night, I came to just Nick Rams in the rec room. He actually came in November and hypnotized me. I can't really remember much, but my floor buds tell me that I was making monkey noises and then I thought my right arm was the devil. Boy, I must have looked like a fool. Speaking of fools, you have to be a fool to miss the around-the-world turkey dinner on Tuesday night. You begin at the 10th floor and you get plates and silverware and continue down to the 9th floor for mashed potatoes. 8A is peas, 7A is broccoli, I think, and 6A is rolls. And you just go on and on until you get to the first floor for some delicious turkey. And the toppings like gravy and butter and hot fives will be in the floors of B and C towers. And don't forget to look for the bonus lap of roast beef, hidden by a heating vent somewhere in Blochaw for some extra foodborne goodness. Remember about our Roxbury trip at the end of the month. We're taking a busload of residents down to Roxbury, Massachusetts to discover the glimmer and the glitter. We're gonna bust you down and drop you off in the middle of the night so you can experience the magic of Roxbury alone. It should be a great time if you don't get knifed. We've got a lot of other good stuff coming up too. Next month we have tuckouts. It's the 2B girls' turn. At 3AM, the sketch you guys from 9A will come down and creep into random 2B beds and fall asleep. But the fun really begins in the morning when the 2B girls wake up and they see these strange guys they've never seen before in their beds. And it's a great way to meet new people. I hope to see you all in the rec room on Monday night for a weekly Alamedeal party. There'll be treats and goodies and munchies and tons of giggles as we watch America's most celebrated anorexic. Well, that's all the time for Becky. Blochaw, you rock. Yee-hoo! Is she on crack? Due to recent controversy of the New Haven's dildo ad, we go live to tape now for more details. Hello? My name is J.J. McFickles. I'm the news editor here at the New Haven. And recently, as some of you may know, the New Haven has been under intense pressure and scrutiny for the controversial brand of samurai dildo ads that we've been running in our publication. Now, due to the uproar, many students and faculty have stopped reading the paper. Local advertisers have pulled their advertisements right out and a boy named Timmy, God bless him, started crying on Main Street. Now, I've got a question for you. What the hell is the big deal? It's just an ad. Are ads really that bad? Are dildos really that bad? No. As we all know, many of us use dildos in our everyday lives. In fact, I bet somebody out there in TV land is using one right now. And what better brand to use, really, than samurai brand dildos? As the advertisement goes, samurai is the brand endorsed by most of the American public and porn stars. Now, it seems to me that dildos is a part of everyday life, your own campus. I mean, you see them when you're walking down the street. You see them when you're doing laundry, when you're buying groceries down there at the dump. Man, when you're going to get food at the dining hall, even when you're in a three-way or something, pow, they're right there. You just can't avoid them, just like all the stupid squirrels that are running around campus all the time. Don't get me started on those squirrels. Now, seeing how these dildos is such a big part of campus life. Why shouldn't we, the people here at the New Haven, alert students and faculty to samurai brand dildos? I mean, who'd want to use a lesser brand? Just like a giant Japanese boy, the samurai dildos are strong, they're durable, they're gigantic, if you know what I mean, and they slice like a son of a bitch. Now, it's just any dildo enthusiast wants when they're going in for the raid. But I'm sad to say that due to all this pressure, the advertisements are stopping. And apparently, the powers that be have seemed fit to also put on hold bongo, bob, brand, butt-plug ads, poppycock, cockerade ads, auntie stew, animal ads, and various kinds of creams. It just seems to be the, seems how we are in the livery-or-die state. This seems to go against all of our principles. You know what I'm saying? So, closing, I'd just like to say God bless America, livery-or-die, and God bless samurai dildos. Thank you for your time. Still to come on the No Show, the college groundskeeper airs his beef with those nutty squirrels. And long-pass celebrity Corey Feldman makes a comeback while the Roe Rules cast finally gets what they deserve. Everything all right in there? Open the door. Nothing satisfies, quite not scared. We've got quite a special report cooked up for you folks at home today. It seems many students have been illegally pressing the handicap buttons outside the building entrances. We're here today at one of the local dining halls to hopefully catch some of these perpetrators in the act and question them as to why they need to press the button. We got one, let's go. Excuse me, sir. Sir, are you aware that you just pressed the handicap button? What the hell are you talking about? The handicap button, sir, it opens the doors for people to walk out who are handicapped, and you just pressed it, and you're obviously not handicapped. I didn't press that. I don't know what the hell you're talking about. Yes, you did. We have it on film, wait for the camera. Oh, man. Look, I might have, you know- Don't you feel ashamed? I might have touched it a little bit, but I didn't press that. Yes, you did. You pressed it and the doors opened. It's all on film. You should be ashamed of yourself. I should be ashamed? Yes, you should. Man, that's- Oh, that's wrong. Are you aware that you just pressed the handicap button? Yeah, I might have pressed it. You know that's explicitly for handicapped people only. Um, well, I- Ah, my back is screwed up. Oh! It's screwed up. Your back is behind to me, sir. What's wrong with it? My spinal cord was ruptured. And I was walking up the stairs and I dripped over my cat. You have a ruptured spinal cord. Ah, yeah. You know, it's just like that Superman dude, you know? Christopher Reeve. Yes. Are you aware that he's paralyzed from the neck down and requires a wheelchair? You seem to be walking very fine, you know? Hey, it's ranked still on. Ranked still on? Where? You just pressed the handicap button. Are you aware that you are not handicapped? I am. I am. I'm blind. You're blind. Really? Ah, blind. I can't see a thing. Sir, I'm not buying it. You're a pathetic. You're a disgrace to human race. Look, Frank's still on. You know you just pressed the handicap button, sir. And you are not handicapped at all. Hey! People today want to live in a world full of leisure. They don't know rape from wrong. As you can see, we live in a world full of scumbags and Frank's still on. But more importantly, in this world, there are the non-handicapped button pushers. Wow. If I weren't an emotional cyborg, I might actually have some emotion and disgust on those people. Thank you, Ryan. With spring rapidly approaching, many squirrels are gathering nuts for their long hibernation. In fact, at University of College, squirrels are more common sight than frat guys raping their jungle friends. Anyways, here's Eddie, the insane groundskeeper, with an insane rant on squirrels. Hello, news people. I hate the goddamn fucking squirrels. What's wrong with them? They're all over the place. I don't like them. I don't like them one bit. I never have. I never will. They're running around like they own the place. Like something's up. Well, I've seen them while I'm tending the grounds on campus. Once when I'm raking leaves, it's what I'm done making the leaf pile. Those goddamn sands of bitches jump right in it and make a big mess. Assholes. I tell you this, assholes. Anyways, those asses are cocky, too. Running around making fun of you, calling your names. Eddie! Eddie! I hate you, you squirrels. If I ever caught you, I'd rip you apart. And then I'd make a hat. And then I'd wear you on my head. And I'd probably take off all my clothes. Eddie, could you please stay on topic? Right. Anyways, back in my day, there weren't that many squirrels. And they were nice to you, too. You'd walk on your way to school or class, or even raking leaves. They'd say, hello, Eddie. Hello, morning to you. Well, hello, squirrels. Thank you very much. You're very nice. Not anymore. Anyways, back to the point of them being everywhere. And everywhere. The trees, the bushes, and in my mind. Eddie, the insane groundskeeper, everyone. Thanks, Eddie. The latest Greek news, the new master beta fraternity, better known as MB, has yet to pick up momentum with his student body, who for some reason or another do not take the fraternity seriously. Master beta was founded by alumni Jack Hoff and gained its charter over Christmas break. I get it. Let's go live to take Jack Hoff for more. You know, I just don't get it. Master beta is such a great fraternity, but nobody takes it seriously. I mean, come on. Master beta provides a stimulating community spirit, as well as a hardened Santa campus fun. I mean, it's so freaking exciting. It'll make you cream your pants. I mean, never mind. Master beta. And now for entertainment news. Corey Feldman has decided on his next Hollywood project, painting his neighbor's house. It was either this or mowing my uncle Earl's lawn. I like the challenge this role presents me, and I get $6.50 an hour for Sunny D. Feldman had announced this proclamation to several of the lawn ornaments and gasoline-soaked rags. Hollywood is completely apathetic and indifferent over Feldman's decision. Producer Harvey Weinstein released this statement. Who the fuck is Corey Feldman? And you better not release this statement. Feldman has already begun his preparation for his role by purchasing several cans of off-white Dutch boy and asking his friend Corey Hame if he can borrow a ladder. MTV announced today to have all 86 real-world and road-roll cast members being senseless. It appears the constant stream of reruns, new episodes, real-world versus road-rules shows, and shameless reunion specials has left the country over-saturated with overexposed 20-something whiners, slackers, and no-talent media whores. The American people are tired of these pricks, trivial and petty problems. I'm glad they're finally going to be beaten, said the president in praise over the producer's decision. The real-world road-rules beating special will be hosted by Kurt Loder and immediately followed the Jesse Camp gets hung on nail by his scrotum special. The police academy gang pulled another comical prank on the uptight Captain Harris. Investigators have not yet determined the details and motive behind the hilarious hijinks, but they did acknowledge that if left, they befuddled Captain Dazed, Nude, and covered nacho cheese. I witnessed an organizer of the Zany mischief, Officer Mahoney noted, all the officers and cadets were gathered around him, even the commissioner. Fellow prankster Jones conferred and then made numerous wacky and crazy sounds with his voice, some of which resembled a helicopter, ghetto blaster, and scared goblin creature. Captain Harris reportedly exclaimed Mahoney with his fist wading firmly in the air directly after the ensuing madcap chicanery. Director Gus Van Sant, hot on his heels after directing the updated Psycho, has confirmed that his next project will be a shot-for-shot television movie remake of the Dukes of Hazard episode entitled, The Duke Boy's Get It Monkey Business. The plot of this second episode concerns the Duke brothers, Bo and Luke, finding an expensive monkey that had escaped from the zoo out by Bear Canyon. The Duke boys decided to hide the monkey and protect it from the aggressive zookeepers and greedy boss hog, whose schemes to capture the monkey and cash in on its handsome reward. When I first saw the monkey business episode, I was enthralled by the mixture of comical situations involving Mary Sue the monkey, the rollicking action and tailing car chases on dirt roads, and the bittersweet dramatic turn at the end, where the Duke boys give Mary Sue to a blind-hearted child, said Van Sant, who plans to keep everything the same in the remake, except for a talk in General Leakar and increased Daisy Duke's cleavage. The monkey from Dustin Chexen has already been contacted about the starring role. The soon-to-be-forgot-one-hit-wonder band, Matchbox 20, has announced plans to cash in on 90s nostalgia by doing a 17-city club tour in the year 2007. Lead singer of the band, whatever the hell his name is, it was quoted as saying, we all know we're doomed for one-hit-wonder status like most other bands for the 90s, and we'll be forgotten faster than you can say tears for fears. But we'll be considered cheesy or shamefully cool when people start looking back at the 90s with fond nostalgia or reflective disgust, depending on how you look at it. Band member, who gives a rat's ass what his name is, said, we're gonna milk that nice nostalgia mother for all it's worth. Matchbox 20 will shamelessly play past hits such as Push You Around and Three AM as well as several extremely sucky new songs. And a generation exers will surely eat this lame shit up. The spin doctors and bare-naked ladies have also signed on to perform. During a sold-out Las Vegas show, David Copperfield amazed the crowd with his new severed thumb illusion, using only his hands. Copperfield somehow managed to make a pier as though he had magically severed the tip of his thumb. Amid mysterious Peter Gabriel music, Copperfield proceeded to slide a magic digit back and forth away from the severed thumb to a shocked and bedazzled crowd who shelled out $60 a pop to see the famed illusionist. Some suspect at Copperfield achieved this groundbreaking illusion using either mirrors or strategically placed index finger. Desperately in need of a new hit single and lacking any artistic ability, Puff Daddy decided to remix his day-old French onion dip. Day-old French onion dip. That's funny, that's, fuck you. Well, good night, mom.