FTM: Trans*Liminal Awakening 1





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Published on Jan 16, 2011

Well, to those of you who knew me before...I'm back. Well, not exactly. I'm actually a pretty radically different person since the old me left YouTube on November 23rd, 2010. It amazes me how much has happened in my life since then, in not even 2 months. It's been a lot of stress and illness and chaos, but my life is bountiful and full of blessings and I am gleaning hope and courage and never ending love from all possible sources. And for those of you just now meeting me...hang on tight!

Here's a run down of some "topics" for future videos based on the happenings of the last not even 2 months:

*Back pain worsening by the week and now by the day, sometimes even within a day.
*Chronic lithium toxicity that moved into acute lithium toxicity that nearly killed me, went off lithium cold turkey and have been waking up more and more each day, it is amazing
*Thanksgiving Day I woke up with pain in my left hip and it is now all different types of pain from my left hip to my left foot all the time, and I had a bad UTI and was otherwise miserable and had to deal with my on again off again crazy Mom
*Realizing that as a trans person I can find affirmation easier sometimes from strangers than from my own family
*Started sleeping in a recliner, was on separate floors from my wife for a while, am finally in the same room as her, but it is hard on us
*My pain is very difficult for my wife to be around, some days if I'm alone and it's really intense and overwhelming I will just scream and cry this kind of primal sound that I've only heard from people who have lost a child, but it releases things enough for me to feel relief
*Feel like I was bullied off of Facebook and took a month off and also from watching YouTube videos
*Joined trans surgery related Yahoo groups which has been awesome
*Challenged my mental health care team that I'm not bipolar, just transgender, and I'm off most of my meds and am better than ever
*Had neuro-cognitive psychological testing which was life changing (December 8th), but I found out I have probably irreversible brain damage/cognitive impairment from 11 years of lithium use
*I am no longer a victim in my life, or ill, wounded, sick...I am shedding labels and diagnoses and am empowered and impassioned and live to love and love to live
*Pretty intense tattoo experience and story
*Proposed to my wife for the 3rd and final time and we got legally married on December 30th...shotgun wedding ;)...I do, I swear, How Many Times Do I Have To Say It?!
*The trailer for the film being made called Finding New Hope stirred emotions in me that I've never felt and has changed my life in that I want to be a transgender activist and advocate as a big part of my career and do so through writing and speaking
*Spent the week between Christmas and New Years in WV with family of origin and it was quite challenging for me for reasons I'll address in a video
*Felt very sad and conflicted this Christmas for not being with my family
*Series of surgeon consultations and MRIs and X-Rays the past 2 weeks, got devastated epically because of overly high expectations, but eventually found the right surgeon for me, my lower back is annihilated, I am in constant pain, am basically an invalid for the next 6 weeks waiting for surgery, no known medications will alleviate my pain, etc.
*Went on a day long road trip to get some medicine and got slammed with severe intestinal virus, couldn't make it home, severely ill, police called, ended up in motel in middle of nowhere, taken to hillbilly hospital in ambulance, almost died, unconscious for 3 hours, scared to death being a transman
*Appalachia has been very, very kind to me recently and I've learned a lot about my heritage
*Wanting to integrate my Jewish culture with my Appalachian upbringing
*Wife is about 27 weeks preggers, it is exciting but super stressful in 101 ways and the timing for my surgery and recovery and her due date is cut throat, I fall in love with my wife more and more everyday, she is beautiful and amazing and incredible
*All I used to want to do was die, kill myself, be destroyed, now all I want to do is live and be well and healthy and pain free and all of those things are being challenged
*We need loads of support right now which is one reason I'm coming back to YouTube at least for now, plus I no longer have legal issues, I have defeated Ohio's broken hostile system, I can never be stealth because of my wife's work which when I found that out was the biggest relief...I left YouTube for some very specific reasons, but there were also some very cryptic reasons that I didn't really discuss.

So I have enough fodder here for at least a video a day until my surgery. Life has been amazing! So stay tuned my friends and get to know the new and improved, true, raw, meant to be but wasn't and has fought like hell to be the new, real me!


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