 All right, and what do you think my sexual relationship brand just did it tanked she's gonna go around and she's gonna hear every Everybody she can talk to your friends every miles and God knows they will he just did it this way. Oh my god. I can't believe I Know I wouldn't want to be treated that way I suggest you guys don't do either but at the same time there's a ruthless efficiency on Just getting the job done and I had a close friend of mine who was dating a girl great gal Just wasn't going where he was wanted to go some of the values weren't aligned Otherwise they would be able to maintain it and she was more than willing to let it ride Not necessarily healthy would not necessarily productive, but that's what people do and at one point He just realized to maintain his own integrity to respect her to respect what they have to respect the memories They created he couldn't do it anymore and wasn't gonna do anymore And what he ended up doing was going up to her house ringing the doorbell. She answers and Says I have you have a key and he was I know gives it to her and he says I love you I care for you and this hurts me into immense degree But we're not right together and I can't do this to you and I can't do it to myself Gives her the key And he goes I'm gonna miss you and I can't see you again. It's gonna hurt too much. It's gonna influence me Hugger gave her a kiss they cried and he left That to me is brutally honest. It's equivalent of shooting somebody that hadn't walked on away. Just not as brutal it has integrity has merit All right Doesn't mean you have to always do it that one I'm also kind of fond of a relationship where you do want to maintain a Friendship after you break up with somebody. I think an exit interview is an outstanding idea. We do it in business Sit down without passion give it a little time and have the exit interview And it sounds kind of silly but you sit down and talk about what with what were the problems? Did you see what were the problems? I say you're not gonna be throwing eggs at each other It's gonna be emotionally volatile. The idea is not to have drama But to come to a relative understanding to have your peace give her the opportunity of peace of mind and respect and Call it a day You know, it's an alternative. There's a myriad of other ways My suggestion is if you're gonna get in relationships know how you're gonna get out of it's kind of like in business as well Your first day of business you better ask how are you gonna get out of business? Which what's your exit plan now that you're planning for failure? It's just not allow companies go on forever not all relationships go on forever But having an idea of how to handle these touchy highly charged emotional settings and Having an ability kind of think it through before you have it You're gonna be a hell of a lot better off than you're in the moment because last thing you want to do is Somebody has doesn't know how to do it. God knows I face this of a woman who realized this isn't working for me It's panicking feeling pressured in any number of ways and how do you get out of a relationship? You don't want to be in and don't have the skill set to get out of it appropriately You get out of it inappropriately All right, and I can tell you to this day she regrets it to this day. She's earned the reputation for what she did All right, I don't like it. I don't like what she did. She didn't have the skill sets involved I can understand that I can forgive her for that But at the same time I don't respect her for how she handled it. She knew better She could have cut she could have acted better and she chose to do the easy path She chose the easy expeditious thing and that was to behave abominably All right, don't do that to yourself. Don't do that to the relationship Don't do that to the good memories that you had because that's kind of all you have All right All right, we've talked about making the cut one of the other aspects on making the cut is this aspect of the notion of Learning through failures need to be able to understand that failure is often where you're gonna find the most growth All right, and you need to develop a personal culture of personal failure without becoming a failure yourself There's a great Ted talk by McChrystal who gave it a talk just about just about that US military special forces commander talked about this idea of Developing a culture of failure without being a failure. I learned it in the same place heated in the military It's paid huge dividends to me You know of being able to push yourself to to try something new and know that when you push yourself Part of the cost of pushing yourself is the risk of failure Recognize that as part of doing business don't get in the habit of just being a failure Okay, but know that you're gonna try you're gonna stretch you're gonna you're gonna try to actually achieve something You haven't done before Recognize that you are and don't beat yourself up when you don't quite measure up to what you expected Now part of what we talked about is when you actually make the cut I'd like to follow up with the other end of the shovel Okay, when you actually get are the one that gets dumped and this is where the damage typically gets done when it's not a choice of yours You didn't necessarily see it coming. What the hell do you do? All right The important aspect to hold on to any relationship, especially when it ends is not to hold on to anything past its lifetime Don't hold on to anything that's already gone. All right Part of The analysis here is to recognize when it's time to let go and that is just basically facing reality and the harsh reality on this one Is she's gone? All right, and it's gonna hurt All right, which brings us to the idea that that resistance to reality is a hallmark of suffering All right, there's a difference between being hurt being in pain and suffering suffering something you choose to do for yourself Something that you take on yourself. You choose to suffer something. All right pain. You can get through hurt You can get through disappointment frustration. You can get through a Sense of loss you can get through these aren't suffering These are real emotions that are legitimate that are tangible to an event during a particular piece of time All right suffering on the other hand is a willful choice to endure something through holding on to something that's gone It doesn't have a point other than the suffering itself. All right, I Also say this I don't think pain is circumscribable. I don't think you can get around Feeling the pain and actually grow and have a healthy life You have to face this. All right part of that is realizing you're vulnerable You're emotional. You have a sense of loss. You've lost something. You are projecting you have expectations for your life Plans events tremendous amount of assets allocated to future projection. That's normal You need to allow yourself that opportunity to grieve that loss to feel that loss to express that loss To be able to let it go if you don't time will not heal all wounds Time coupled with healing and appropriate healing will heal heal wounds. All right Many of them are going to be very very profound nothing more profound than a loss of a family never nothing more loss Than a loss of a wife and a child Okay, and what's worse than even death? These people are still alive. These are choices are making because of a failed relationship All right Again the aspect is that you're not a failure just because something did fail. Don't get stuck in that rut Another kind of aspect I'll hold on to is that even in your darkest hour It only lasts 60 minutes your darkest moment only lasts that long So as you're facing these immensely difficult and challenging situations emotionally Embrace it and know it doesn't last Don't sit down and think this reality is going to be your your existence. It's not it's only going to be your existence If you allow it My aspect is don't allow it to take over your life Letting go of the relationship letting go of the woman is about you not your ex this is something you do for yourself and it's an aspect of Forgiveness you can't let go until you forgive yourself and I'm not necessarily saying you don't forgive her that comes out of Much later state standpoint, but initially you need to give yourself for forgiveness and that is often the difficult tasks We're not trained to do it. We're not cultured to do it But it's something I think is a critical aspect to naturally healing natural growth progression Especially in an adverse situation where you've been done and it's not pretty it never is All right chances are you won't move on Until you're actually ready to all right. That's terribly telling. I've known I I tend to cling on to old relationships Even if I've been years later you kind of hold out hope you kind of hold out for something and often what I Realize is I'm holding out not necessarily for that relationship or that individual. I'm holding out hope for the individual I wanted her to be I'm holding out hope for that relationship in a way in which I wanted or Anticipated to be and the reality is that relationship never existed All right, so often I think we cling to things because we wish they were the way they weren't Recognize the difference between the two One's a real loss. The other is is a loss of anticipation or desire still hurts But the reality is when you're faced with it and you have her back. Let's say God forbid It's not gonna be what you want it to be Now as far as a breakup I sit down and say there's gonna be a number of steps You're gonna want to take the first and most important especially when you've been dumped is going to what I'm gonna call she talks You're gonna literally need to detox your sides yourself from that relationship the first and most critical aspect to this is Don't have contact Don't write her don't contact her don't call don't stock don't drive by don't let her in the house Don't communicate Stay the hell away All right, you cannot get past your time To get through this without having contact All right, it's a form of addiction. All right. It's it's a hormonal addiction. It's an emotional addiction It's a behavioral addiction and she's damn cute You like her in the first place and it's a it's a solution that wasn't of your design This isn't what you want it. You're very very susceptible treat yourself like a recovering addict It's going to be very similar part of that process is to to acknowledge it to acknowledge that you had expectations that were lost Acknowledge that you had desires and wishes that weren't fulfilled All right The other aspect and I think this is part of something that you don't hear a whole lot of is start to accept accountability and accept responsibility for its failure and I'm not saying you're to blame but take on Ownership of the aspects you were What role did you play in this? What role enable this sort of to take place? What role did you play to put yourself to make yourself so vulnerable? Part of that is then Looking at it and saying what can I gain? How do I prevent this? How do I improve? How do I grow? And I think that's what the most critical aspect of the entire growth sequence of healing It's to sit down and say how do I become a better man for having gone through this experience no matter how heinous it was What you ultimately don't want to do is be the same guy you were when you first had that relationship You ultimately want to be a better man What can you salvage out of this burning house that you're going to be able to take forward and make a better life for yourself? Often they're going to be very minor things, but they're going to be significant Sense of pride for having put yourself out there sense of worth for having been vulnerable Willing to engage this to have lived up to your ideals Even if you're egregiously wrong Did you live up to your own expectations? These are things you can't be taken from you. They're yours Don't give them away Don't throw them away with a relationship even a failed one This is where I'm going to sit down and be a little more confrontational as far as what community members will actually sit down and talk about there's this notion of What happens when you have a relationship? Either you dump her or more importantly she dumps you and this idea of how do I get her back? The community response is cut or loose new pussy. It solves all your problems. I'm not a big believer in that All right. I'm also not in a big believer is that she's the one I don't think there is just the one there are billions of people probably a billion people on this planet You start doing the numbers Okay, you probably have a lot of relationship potential here All right but the issue is that you found somebody you value one reason or another and you're not quite ready to let it go or it's Re-emerging from a distance path the question is is is when is it a healthy to re-engage in a relationship and resurrect an old relationship?