 Okay, welcome back. Prince, if you're there, would you like to share your question, please, before we move forward? Prince? Not a question, ma'am, actually. Well, regarding your asking about what you have observed and all, so I thought of telling one more regarding it. Okay. Like when Sri Radha, she was, is the councillor, most of the things that she asked, even though she is asking question, I feel like, you know, that it's more like questioning me but no understanding the thing. Just want to share that. Okay, so what, so this is not about Sri Radha, not about her, but I'm just, we're looking at basically skills, right? So what in the questions that the councillor put forth didn't make you feel that there was understanding? What in it? So it's basically to learn the skill, right? So that's why I want you to look at that. So what was it that the councillor said or the way they said it that helped you feel you were understood? Prince? Yes, ma'am. You heard my question. So ma'am, can you once tell it again? So I said, what was in the question that helped you feel... Ma'am, sorry for the disturbance, anyone's question, please. Yeah, so I said, what in the question, the way the councillor asked you helped you to feel understood? Like I have said before the tone in the voice, like, just not like, I just not felt like just a question asking to get an answer, but I felt like, you know, something really want to help me or really want to know what's happening. Okay, all right. So I think what you probably, so just taking up that question, Shreerada asked, okay, so tell me what is going on? So maybe what you're saying is that the councillor at that time was not able to see that you were going through something, but more than understanding where you were at, the councillor kind of wanted to just know what is wrong, right? And you're saying that in itself felt like it was just a question and there was no understanding behind it. Exactly, just want to know what happened, but nothing more than that. Okay, great. So this helps you see the skill that is needed or how you can establish that skill in order to make a person feel comfortable through that entire process. Okay, good. All right. See, students, unless and until you try it yourselves, you wouldn't know how to begin. So that's why I'm asking you all to come up forward for the role play. Don't worry. I don't expect any, you know, any great, you know, you should be the greatest council that this is a learning experience. And it helps you to, you know, when you're attempting, and maybe when I help you with that, you begin to understand that, okay, it can be done this way also. So please come forward. And because all about counselling is a practice, you know, you have to practice the skills. When I ask for volunteers, you should be, if you want to learn, you should be the first one to be here. Okay, so just a word on that. Okay, so let's move on. I have put the video link on the stream as well as for the e-learning students. So you can have a look, it's a 30 minute video, but there are different sections of it. There may be only some sections that we're learning up until now that may make sense to you. The other sections as we go, you know, you can keep watching it over and over again. So the link is put up on your, on the stream. Okay, so let's move forward. Okay, now, so we spoke about attending by the three non-verbally and verbally. The next we're going to do is attending by listening. So listening, now it may seem a very simple thing for us to do because, you know, everybody listens, right? Okay, so listening is that ability to attend to what your counselling is saying. All right. Now, if you actually, sometimes when you do the exercise and maybe when you are talking to each other, when you're not talking and you don't find someone paying attention to you, giving you eye contact, you feel they may not be listening, right? So it helps to understand that when you're listening, you're not just using your ears, but you're using your entire body, you're using your eyes, you're using your hands, you're using the way that you sit to actually bring comfort and listen. And also, when you're listening, ideally, it should not be that you are thinking of the next thing to say, right? When you're talking to your counselling, you should not be in that place where you are, okay, what's the next question I should ask or is this right thing to do? What is this? So you need to be there completely listening without paying attention to what you should say or how am I sounding or what is moving away from that point. So attending by listening is something that is extremely important. Now, what is the purpose of listening actively? When you listen actively, what does it demonstrate? So first and foremost, it demonstrates to the counsellor that you are there, that you are paying complete attention and you are in a place of understanding, attempting to understand what they are saying. Now, for example, in the last one, Prince said, there's no problem with me. I don't know why I'm here, right? Now, they're saying something, right? But if you've really listened, you are able to sense that there is something wrong. So when he said, I like to be lonely. So I said, do you enjoy, do you, I think I asked you enjoy being lonely? He said, yes, I want to embrace my loneliness, all right? So you're just not listening to the content, but you're also listening to the confusing content because he's saying he wants to embrace loneliness and his parents have bought him here and he's saying he's okay, right? So there is a sound confusion that you are able to pick up through the entire process, not just with the client over here, but maybe even with his parents. So you're able to pick up that there's something confusing going on and that's what you're attempting to do. Your listening should clarify content that is confusing. So it should confuse you that Prince came to the counseling session actually saying there's no problem, but his parents have bought him, right? So that should be confusion number one. Secondly, he says there's no problem. I like to be on my own. I want to embrace my loneliness. That can be a second confusion or a second problem, right? So when you're listening carefully, you will begin to find, clarify things for yourself, okay? Now, when you are listening, when you do listen, you're also going to be highlighting some things more concisely. Like for example, I said Prince, when you're, I asked, I said, what kind of help would you like to have? Or what would you like me to tell your parents when they come here? So what did he say? He highlighted it. He says, I want you to tell them to let me be, right? Or to just don't bother me. So it highlights when I'm listening, I've been able to highlight. So when I say, I would be saying, so I hear that you don't, you know, you would like your parents to get off your back and you don't want them to bother you. So I'm highlighting the same thing that Prince said, but maybe in other words, in something that is more descriptive, but I've spoken it in other words, okay? Now listening also helps out to check the accuracy of your understanding or your perception, okay? Because your facts and your feelings sometimes may not match like in Prince's case. There are certain facts that the facts is that he's alright. There's nothing going wrong, but there's a feeling which is, you know, ask my parents to just leave me alone. So that you see that some perceptions of yours, you're checking out certain perceptions of yours and checking it against what are the facts that you may have. So the purpose of listening is not just to hear, but it helps you to clarify confusion. It helps you to highlight problems or issues that may really need a lot more care and it helps to arrange or change your perceptions about the situation, okay? Now, what are the skills of active listening? There are certain skills. Now some of this will come up again in the next week also, but these are important skills we need to learn which is one is paraphrasing, clarification, reflecting feelings and summarizing and some of these are there in the video, okay? So I please request you to go back to the video and have a look at how that is done. So in paraphrasing, what does paraphrasing mean? Paraphrasing is to express the meaning of what your counselling is saying. So your counselling may say many sentences, they may give you an entire story or they may say one huge paragraph about something and paraphrasing is actually capturing the important points, right? They may have said a lot of things, maybe related, maybe unrelated, maybe important, maybe unimportant details, but what you are doing is you are paraphrasing the entire thing. Now, for example, with what happened with Prince, I can paraphrase it in one or two sentences and say, this young boy came in here quiet guarded in his expressions. However, on a little bit of probing, he was able to express that he wanted to be lonely. So whatever that happened in that 10 minutes, I paraphrased it in two lines, right? So you get a basic essence of what is being said. And that's what even in counselling, when you're hearing a huge story, you're listening, it shows, it tells your counselling that you're listening when you're able to paraphrase. Summarizing is a very different thing, sorry, to paraphrase it into one or two lines or smaller paragraph to help them know that I was listening, right? It's just for them to know that I was paying attention through that 10 minutes or 15 minutes that I've talked to them and I'm paraphrasing them and saying that, you know, giving a small gist of it. And it's very important to do that because it helps the counsellor see that you are interested. Now, paraphrasing is really restating in different words. You can use maybe one or two, a couple of words that the counsellor has finished, has said, but largely it is restating it in different words, okay? Now, how is it done? Paraphrasing is done, like I said, by restating ideas or facts, by rewording the message that the counsellor has put. It's not parroting or repeating, you're not saying exactly what they said, okay? It's just to help your counsellor know, hey, my counsellor gives me attention and likes to hear me, right? So that's what it's meant to be. So how is it done? It's also used with fewer words without changing the entire bigger meaning, right? That's important for you to understand that you don't change the meaning of the description of what the person is trying to say. Okay, I've just put a couple of examples here, okay? Here the counsellor is saying, I don't know about her, one moment she's really friendly and the next time I see her, she's totally cold. So the counsellor says, you haven't experienced her being very consistent, okay? Or every moment there is something new to do, there must be 10 different things on at the same time. There are a lot of activities for you to choose from. Or third example, he's really crummy, his degree is from a non-accredited school. He had very little training and he has a poor relationship with his wife. So the counsellor is saying you don't think he's very competent. So it is, you are choosing some words to really explain or to shorten what your counsellor has, what your counsellor has said. Okay, we'll do one or two practices and I'd like you to write it down on the chat, okay? How will you paraphrase? Okay, it's basically the description that's there, how will you paraphrase? So this person saying, I'm completely worn out. It's twice as difficult for me to get around now with physical difficulty and my family thinks I'm feeling sorry for myself. Okay, so what is a line that you would write to paraphrase this? Okay, you can put it up on the chat quickly. Yes, come on. If you want to unmute, you can unmute and say it all through. How will you paraphrase this? It doesn't have to be long sentences. Yes, nobody? Yes, Meena, go ahead. Meena, John. Meena, you're on mute if you're speaking. Can you hear me now? Yeah, I can hear you now. Yeah. I'm finding it difficult to move around, but my family thinks I'm making excuses. Okay, so when you as a counsellor is paraphrasing, you'd say... Sorry, I thought it was a counsellor. Sorry, maybe I didn't get that. Yeah, this is the counsellor paraphrasing it, is it? Yeah. Yeah, but that was a good one. That's a good thing that you said. Just that you'll have to change the eye to you because the counsellor is talking to the counsellor. Very good, excellent. Okay, let's try just Jack-in. Okay, Jack-in's written. So what I understand is that your family thinks you're wallowing in self-pity while you are actually tired of getting things done. Okay, all right, good. Good Jack-in, that's excellent. Okay, let's try... Let's try a few more. Sorry, my... One minute, this is gone just a minute. Okay, okay, let's try this. I have had it with my son and had to bring his lying to my husband. I don't feel all alone dealing with the issue now. Okay, how would you paraphrase this? How would you paraphrase this? Anthony said I'm completely overwhelmed by my situation. Okay, so you're saying you seem to be completely overwhelmed with your situation. That's good, Anthony. Yeah, Nina, so I'm asking you, how would you respond? How would you paraphrase and respond? So here's the next example. Somebody try that. I have had it with my son and had to bring it to his... Bring his lying to my husband. I don't feel all alone dealing with the issue now. What would you... How would you paraphrase it? Yes, Prince, go ahead. Can you hear me? Can you hear me? Not very clearly. Can you hear me? Yeah, go ahead. I'll tell you if I'm not able to hear you, go ahead. So the way to paraphrase this is... So I am saying you're tired of dealing with your son alone Bring it in, bring that issue to your husband. Okay, didn't hear that very clearly. Would you put it down on the chat? Just shut the shop. Okay. So Anthony, you've said I think maybe I think you should... You may say you think you should have some difficult conversations with your son. You feel you should have... You and your husband could have difficult conversations with your son. Okay, that's good. Okay, all right. Now when you look at paraphrasing, just to share about how can you... What your introductory phrase is? How can you begin to paraphrase? You can use any of these sentences. So what I hear you saying is it sounds like you... If I understand you correctly, this is what you said. You're telling me that... So all of this are beginning phrases of paraphrasing. So when you begin to use this, it helps you to kind of summarize it. These are just suggestions of how you can begin to paraphrase your question. Okay, so the next skill in listening... In attending listening is to reflect feelings. Now we spoke about this, we've been speaking about this earlier. Reflecting feelings, it's much like paraphrasing, except that you're saying what you think the councillor is feeling. You're saying what the councillor is feeling. So what does it show the client that you not only have heard what is being factually said, but also the emotions and the feelings that come behind it. So you're just not restating the content of what your client or your councillor has said, but you have added in a certain feeling. Like for example, I think someone said, you feel upset or you feel angry that your family thinks that you're doing this out of self-pity. So there is a sense of feeling that you feel angry because you feel your family is working at this through self-pity. So reflecting feelings, it's all about restating just the words of the content that's being said as well as adding to the feelings. Now let's just look at a quick example. Okay, my ex-wife phoned me yesterday. She told me that our daughter is very ill after a car accident. I'm feeling very scared for her. They live in the Middle East. So I'm going to have to travel to see her and now I have been made redundant. I don't know how can I afford to go. So here's the councillor actually reflecting with feelings. So you have had some bad news about your little girl who's been involved in an accident. You're frightened for her. That's a feeling and also have worries. Again, a feeling over money. Now you have lost your job. So that's what the councillor said. So then the councillor says, yes, yes, that's right. So notice that the councillor did not offer advice or start talking how long he and his wife have been separated. In this case, they've been separated, but is reflecting the emotion of what is said, which was frightened. He was frightened about the situation. So that's about reflecting feelings. So quickly, let's practice one or two. The councillor says, so many things are going on right now. Another hectic semester has started. My dog sick and my mom's ill too. I find myself running around trying to take care of everything. I'm not sure I can take it anymore. So how can you reflect feelings over here? So remember, reflect feelings is both the feeling as well as the general content. Okay, so someone likes to try. Okay, some thoughts. This is the earlier one. Okay, anyone? Come on. Sorry, Prince can't hear you at all. Okay, Prince, not able to hear you, Prince. So you can say something like you seem to be very overwhelmed by all the things that you are going on right now with your dog being sick and your mom's ill. So you can say something like you seem to be very overwhelmed by all the things that you are going on right now with your dog being sick and your mother being ill. So I've added you seem overwhelmed or you seem to be pushed to a corner or anything by the things that are going on right now. Okay, so it's just helping to reflect feelings. That's how they know that you are listening as well. Okay, next one. Sorry, yeah, okay. The next skill in as you're listening, attending by listening is what we call clarification. Now in clarification, what you're doing is you are clarifying what you're hearing or you think you've heard and you want to clarify whether it is right or wrong. So you ask those questions to clarify. And this shows genuineness on your part because you're actually showing interest in what your councillor has to say. All right. And so they may be saying so many things and you've heard something, but you're not pushing it aside as if, you know, it doesn't matter, but you are seeking clarity with it. Now you have to be careful when you use the skill. It shouldn't interrupt the flow of what your councillor is saying. But in a large part, you can actually do it very, very gently saying that or would you wait a minute, you know, this is what I heard you saying, but I didn't understand that. What does that mean? And then as we finish, you can say, okay, so carrying on from where you stopped, you said this, what happened after that. So, you know, you may have to be able to, when you're breaking the flow and asking for a clarity, you may also need to bring them back to that story to help them to continue on that. Now phrases that you use for clarification is you can start like this. I'm not quite sure I understand what you're saying or I don't feel clear about what the main issue is here. When you said dash, what did you mean? Or could you repeat something? So these are all phrases that you can use for clarification. Okay. The last one. So we looked at paraphrasing. We looked at reflecting with feelings. We looked at clarification. And this is the fourth one. This is summarizing. Now summarizing is they're telling you a large story and you're putting things together, putting it in key themes, right? You're picking up information from here and there and placing the large information that's given to you in smaller parts. So here the counselor puts together all the key themes, the feelings, the issues the counselor has presented. And this comes from maybe through sessions. You must have taken two, three sessions and you've gathered those things and put them all together. So that's what summarizing means. Why is it necessary to summarize? Because of sometimes the counseling may be just saying very many, many, many lengthy things. Sometimes they can tell you very lengthy stories with details that are not necessary, right? And that becomes very confusing and becomes extremely lengthy. So when you're summarizing, you are sifting away unrelated details and only keeping that which is important and related. And also you begin to focus on... You're helping the client also to focus on what is important so that they can provide direction to the conversation and you help them move from one place to another. So summarizing, like they may be telling you about one part of their lives and so you say, okay, I understood about this. Would you like to start and tell me about the other area of your life, okay? We'll just... Okay, we won't go through this. So here's an example. The counselor is a young girl. At the beginning of the session, she says, I don't understand why my parents can't live together anymore. I'm not blaming anybody, but it just feels very confusing to me. She says in a low, soft voice with lowered moist eyes. In the middle of the session, she says, I wish they could keep it together. I guess I feel like they can't because they fight about me so much. Maybe I'm the reason they don't want to live together anymore. All right? And so the counselor is saying here, earlier today you indicated you didn't feel like blaming anyone for what's happening to your parents. Now I'm sensing that you are feeling like you are responsible for their breakup. So do you see that in these sessions, the counselor picked up something from the earlier and from the current one and bringing it together and presenting a certain summary about the situation. Okay? Now, phrases for summarizing. You know, these can be anything that you can use. These are the key ideas you have expressed. Today we discussed these following issues. Based on your discussion, we agreed that... Remember, you should... What I have to say so far is... So these are ways in which you show that you're coming to a summary of this entire thing. Okay. Now, I just want to bring about some thoughts about what are some of the barriers to listening and why don't we attempt to listen in completion. So some of the barriers that you would see in listening is, first and foremost, is... Let me just skip my slide again. Okay. Is daydreaming. That is when you are thinking about something else. Your counselor is talking, but you're thinking about your own experience, right? Or you're saying, okay, oh, this is the same thing that's happened to the counselor has also happened to me in the past. So you're thinking about this, what is happening here has also happened to somebody else. Or you're thinking about something very different, while the person is talking. Maybe you're thinking about what you have to make for dinner or you're going for a movie and you're wondering how you will go for the movie. Or you are rehearsing. You're thinking about what you want to say back. Or you are filtering. You're listening only to the parts that are important or parts that... Not important, parts that may be interesting and holding on to that. Or you may be judging. That is, you've stopped listening because you have already labeled the person. Maybe they've said something sensitive and you've already stopped listening because you have labeled them as a certain way. Or it could also be just your ignorance and prejudice. You know, maybe something that you've said is something that you didn't like and so you have a bias against them. So all of this tends to become barriers to listening. Okay, the last part of it is attending by observation. Now, observation is where you play... You pay very close attention to the behavior of your counseling and a lot of this is observing them and their body language. It's generally the non-verbal behavior that they show because often you can find... to see if there are any discrepancies in what you are seeing and how they are behaving. So attending by observation becomes a very important part. Now, I have possible interpretations of some non-verbal expressions. Now, remember, it doesn't always mean these would be the meanings, but in general, you're saying, in general, these are how these expressions bring about some meanings. Like for example, a direct eye contact, the possible meaning is that they are very attentive. If they lack an eye contact, it may mean that they are withdrawn. If there is... if they're looking away from you, it could mean that they are avoiding or they may be very preoccupied. If they are staring, it could mean that they're very uptight. If they're blinking their eyes frequently, they may see that they have anxiety. If they've got a squinted or a wrinkled brow, it could mean that they are angry or they're annoyed. Or if they have dilated pupils, that eyes are always looking very alert, it may look as if they're very alarmed or interested. So, I mean, I have a couple of these slides, but I think it's important just to know that facial expressions, right? When you have a flushed face, when your face is red, it means you may be embarrassed or you are feeling anxious. If your eyes are wide open and your mouth is also wide open, you... I'm sure this is not very difficult because all of you are the emoji age and you'll have a lot of this in your emoji, so you know what it is. But it's important to see this in real life also, to see the way that counsellors may express this. Farrode brow, that is, you know, it is farrode and with a tight mouth means like this, you're thinking deeply, right? Or it could be an irritation or an annoyance or, you know, if you don't like what your therapist is saying or your counsellor is saying, you know, you may have that kind of an expression, alright? Next one is shoulders and arms. I'm just going to look at a few. So, when you have shruggings, shoulders, it's like, I don't know, I'm not sure, it's an indifference, right? Slout shoulders would mean sadness or being withdrawn. The arms that are folded like this in front of you shows that it's a very closed nature. They don't want to come into contact with anyone. When they gesture openly, it may mean a lot more openness. Okay, and if the arms are not very stiff in one end, it can look as if there's anger or anxiety. Legs, interpretation of legs, whether they're crossing or uncrossing, it can show anxiety or nervousness or a sense of protection that, you know, I don't want to have anything to do with you, just leave me alone. Okay, foot tapping or shaking. There are people who keep shaking their feet. It could mean boredom, foot tapping could mean anxiety or any kind of controlled stiff movements could mean not wanting to really relate, have a sense of close contact. Then a body movement, when you lean forward, you show interest. When you're leaning backward, you show a sense of either a rejection or a relaxation. When you turn to the side, you know, maybe to the side like that when someone's talking, it shows avoidance. When there may be a rocking or repetitive emotion, it could be anxiety or any kind of habitual movements could mean a focused attention, focused inattention, focused inattention. Now, what do you observe? You observe the way your counsellor is attending back to you, because it helps to see a lot more of details the way your counsellor attends, the way they may appear in the counselling session. You also observe non-verbal, what they are doing. So you're noticing discrepancies in the way that they say something and the way that they respond. Like, for example, the client says marriage is the best thing that happened to them, but then also says that her husband is unsupported. So, you know, it doesn't make any sense. She's saying the best thing happened, but also that the husband is unsupported. Verbal is you also observe the words or phrases that they use repeatedly. Like, if a counsellor says repeatedly, I wish things were better without them giving you any information, it really suggests that there is something probably wrong. So, it's important to know what you are observing and how you observe that. When you observe, what are you doing? You're gaining an indication of the counselling and what they may be feeling. One, you're observing them and what they may be feeling and you're also, while you're observing, you know how effective your words are when you observe their facial expressions. And so, when you're able to observe that, you can also do something to change maybe your questions or change the way that you also respond. Now, please remember that we all attend. Even now, you all are all attending as you're talking to people, as you're doing things, but learning to intentionally attend comes only by observing and actually practicing it yourself. So, this is not a skill that can be learned theoretically or by just listening to a class, it's something that you may need to do on a practical basis. That is, you know, look at people around, observe what they're saying, observe what they're doing, how they say certain things and practice it. Practice your skills of clarification, practice reflecting feeling, practice summarizing, practice paraphrasing, practice all that and how you can attend so that your ability to reach out to people becomes much better. Okay? All right. Okay. Now, it's open for questions if you all have any. Press, open for questions. So, this is about not being judgmental or being prejudiced. Suppose by the way they sit or the way they think, something gets into our mind, but they're not actually those people, just by observing them. So, doesn't it shift our thinking like, we might get carried away, right? Oh, we should be. We might be thinking something else. We should tell them for that and this for that. Is it right for us to make any judgment in the first instance or wait and then... Not at all. Not at all. See, because like for example, I told you, right? When you're observing behavior, it could also be culturally very set, like for example, in the way people sit, right? Maybe when they're sitting cross-legged and maybe having both their hands together, it also can just mean that they are, they're comfortable in that. But then what you're judging is not judging, what you're checking or clarifying is whether in the way that they talk to you, are they being open or are they being closed? Right? It gives you, when you observe body language, it gives you what do you say? And opening to understand better. Right? Now, like for example, maybe a person has got closed legs and closed hands and you're saying you may be talking about certain issue and they are just beating around the bush and then it confirms to you that they are actually closed, right? Because one, they're not giving you the details and also their body language experience shows it. So then, you know, you can say, I observe that maybe we're not talking about the issue, the central issue in hand. I sense that there is some sense of comfort for you to talk about it. Is that right? So you are clarifying. Okay, so then they may say yeah, maybe I'm not ready to talk about it right now. I may need a one or two sessions before I can actually open up that part of my life to you. So you know that they're actually closed. Right? And then, so then you know, okay, they need some more time and then you say it's perfectly all right. You know, you can talk about something that you're comfortable with. What are you comfortable with? So he may say uncomfortable with ABCD. And you may slowly see that he is, you know, he's relaxing his body as well. Then you know that there is a certain issue that is causing a sense of discomfort. So your body language observation does not become inductive. It's not an induction. It's not inferential. Right? It's something that you're picking up to really build on to add on to your data and your understanding. So it's just for us to understand that person's point of view from their what they think. So that's nothing for us. Nothing for us to do. We are in a play. We should always be in a place of non-judgment. But we are doing this so that we understand where they are at and we are able to kind of preempt something. So if I feel that he's uncomfortable and I see him sitting like that, maybe I'll pick on that and say, you know, I sense you are uncomfortable, but is that so? Are you uncomfortable about anything? So then I have, he hasn't told me, but then I've sensed just through the body language and I bring that up. Okay. Yeah. Thank you so much. Okay. Any other questions? Okay. If not, we'll close. Please have a look at that video because it's a good video for y'all to also understand please all the students both online as well as e-learning. It's there on both both both courses, both sites. Okay. So please ensure that you see it. Okay. Let's just close with a word of prayer. Thank you for your patience. I think you'll have been here long today. That's just great. Heavenly Father, Lord, we look to you God for you to hone our skills. Lord, in the way that we attend to others open our eyes, open our ears, maybe be more not so lost in ourselves but Lord be willing to look at others and see where they are at, not to make judgments or inferences, but really to draw people out from their conflicts, from their problems so that we could be a blessing. Father we, I pray God that you will open each faculty of our Lord and we will really engage in understanding and doing things that really help towards bringing people out of their struggles. Thank you once again for this class. I bless each person in your name. In Jesus name I pray. Amen. Okay. Thank you everybody. I'll meet you all next week. Thank you.