 Well, hello and welcome to Jonathan from the Heart. I'm Jonathan Asley of JonathanAsley.com And I'm so excited to be doing this short video for you today. Our topic this kills attraction Even when he's into you so really quickly if you're brand new to my YouTube channel Please hit the subscribe button hit the bell so you can be notified of new videos And if anytime during this video the content resonates with you Please hit that like button so I can be seen in the YouTube algorithms. Lastly, these are my weekend videos I shoot out on my balcony very similar to the videos I shoot my private group called midlife love mastery This is a group where you can have direct access to me on a regular basis and depending on the questions you post in the group I shoot a personalized video just for you. So check out the link below to my VIP group called midlife love mastery Okay, we're gonna talk about what kills attraction Even when he's into you so let's just get real for a moment Most of us who are boomers or Gen Xers have this fantasy of the way relationship should be It should just be as easy as boy meets girl girl meets boy boy likes girl girl likes boy And everybody's just gonna happily live ever after and we have learned that that's the furthest thing from the truth Then most of us who at midlife and I say midlife is after baby making years and before retirement The vast majority of us are divorced roughly about 75% of singles who are actively looking for love are Divorced and the reason why I bring this up is because we thought we we bought into that fantasy when we were younger And we realized that we might have made the wrong choice and this happens very frequently It's because most human beings don't really understand the mechanics of a healthy happy relationship because we are more hyper focused on the Physical attraction and the chemistry piece without understanding the mechanics to a healthy happy relationship And we have all been bought into this and then we figure well the dating process should be easier because now we've gone through this Experience of most likely have gone through one or two Relationships or maybe have gone through a marriage and we just have this next belief that it's just going to be very simple In fact after my divorce when I began online dating I thought it was just going to be simply punching in exactly what I want and somebody would magically appear Think about that for most of us boomers or Gen Xers. We didn't have the internet dating We met organically with people instead of the way we're meeting today And it was in the beginning it was it seemed so easy because you literally had the smorgasbord of people to choose from and Then we thought it was going to be very easy and the reality is it's quite hard And I think one of the primary reasons why it's hard is because Humans don't really understand the purpose of dating and the purpose of a relationship I'm going to repeat that humans don't understand the purpose of dating and the purpose of relationship In fact most men quite frankly are very clueless to this and And I say this because women purchase the relationship books probably nine to ten fold greater than men do So women have a better understanding of relationships than men do but coming back to this Fantasy belief that we have and I'm going to get to the thing that causes that kills attraction in a moment Okay, so bear with me is that we are these days meeting total strangers. We're meeting total strangers for the most part I want you to think about it in the past Let's just go back a couple hundred years most likely when you met somebody in your village or your tribe You all had similarity with one another you all had familiarity with one another you shared common friends You shared family experiences with one another so that so quite frankly there wasn't really dating back then it was just straight to mating and Marriage in fact the courtship process was a nanosecond compared to the way it is today And when I mean by nanosecond is literally if you wanted to have sex You had to get married and people did this rather quickly and it was easier because there was a much more Familiarity with one another than there is today So the challenge with what we're dealing with today is we hyper focus on Chemistry as being the leading factor of relationship success. I'm sure this has happened to you before I know it's happened to me many a times where I met someone. I felt this Incredible physical attraction for them I pursued them based on this physical attraction only to find myself Pulling away and not understanding why and I'm sure this has happened to you too You've met men where you felt an Attraction to them and after a short while they pulled away and it seems really strange Why does this happen? Why would it happen when we have this strong what feels like a strong bond with one another and to then pull away and So I want to lean into this conversation and if you're new to my YouTube channel what I'm about to share I hopefully is enlightening and if you're a regular on my channel just bear with me because we're gonna get to the solution in a moment So I'm gonna put on my trusty glasses and I want to share with everybody something I'll call my relationship iceberg my relationship iceberg and as you can see an Iceberg is is got a tip and then it's got a mass below so you can see in the tip It says chemistry and above the water line is attraction Now you can see below the water line. It says compatibility. It says shared values Blendable lifestyles and emotional maturity and you can see the mass of what's beneath the surface Really matters in fact in a relationship What's it beside the chemistry piece and I want to acknowledge that chemistry is very important in a relationship? But what's equally important if not more important is when two people share the same values when two people's lifestyles are blendable and lastly when two people have a sense of emotional maturity and This is where the fantasy lies because most human beings don't focus on the bottom part of the iceberg And I'll explain the attraction piece in a moment. I'm gonna tell you something from personal experience. I've Operated this way. I honestly thought as I said earlier I could just punch in exactly what I want based on criteria height body type You could even put hair color although Even though I have a thing for red heads. I Like all hair colors types and most women and men feel that way. What else religion smoking sex Children all these things that's usually the factors that we focus on in the beginning of a relationship are those external factors Those things like what's their politics? What's their religion? Do they smoke? Do they and these are things that you can find out very quickly The challenge in the dating process is how do we get below the surface to? Understanding does this person share the same values are our lifestyles? Emotionally, you know blendable and lastly this emotionally mature piece and this is the tricky part So when a guy comes on strong and When two people connect at a chemistry base level They're not contemplating the bottom of the iceberg and What happens for men and women alike is they find themselves in a situation where they stop They they're not checking off the boxes. Do they share the same values are their lifestyles blendable and is their emotional maturity and Why this is so hugely important to understand is because if you don't check the boxes going back to my my Relationship iceberg you see when you start to check the boxes of shared values and blendable lifestyle and emotional maturity The water line begins to drop the water line begins to drop Okay, and you experience more and more Attraction with that person. Let me repeat that you experience more and more attraction when you check these boxes off so The reason why men pull away what kills attraction is they're beginning to find out and maybe you're experiencing this too They're beginning to find out is you don't really share the same values or your lifestyles aren't blendable I see this. I mean, I've got a got a pause for a second I see this with people who engage in long-distance relationships They are so hyper focused on the fact that they have a traction for one another That they completely ignore the fact that maybe their lifestyles aren't very blendable and sadly women tend to be the ones who Accommodate that and women tend to be the ones who compromise and sacrifice their own lifestyle Believing and I say the word believing that if you know once their lifestyles blend together It's all gonna magically work out and I can tell you often times When there is a shift in someone's lifestyle to get closer to one another they find out that they're not really compatible with one another So these are a couple other strange things that happen to kill attraction You think wow you went through this entire experience of moving closer together only to find out in quotes And I can tell you I've not heard this one time or two times or three times I've heard these hundreds of times as a dating coach having women reach out to me. So what's the solution to all this? What's going to shift this? I'm a big proponent of everybody Understanding the mechanics to a healthy happy relationship and that requires reading this book eight dates by doctors John and Julie Gottman Eight dates by doctors John and Julie Gottman. Why this is so critically important is That when you understand the mechanics to a healthy happy relationship when you understand the importance of seek seeking to Determine if you share the same values and you have serious Conversation about your lifestyle and can the two of you blend together and Then lastly it's important to vet for emotional maturity and the sad thing is is most humans are rather emotionally stunted Let me repeat that most humans are rather emotionally stunted and they have poor communication skills This is one of the reasons why continually would recommend this book The Hoffman process the Hoffman process to heal childhood wounds and traumas and adult traumas so you can shore up The foundation of your emotional maturity So when I say the foundation because you need a strong emotional foundation to uphold a Relationship this is why I wrote. Where's my book? There's my book. What the heck is self-love anyway, by the way, there's a link below to all my books why I wrote this book It's a journey of personal development self-help and spiritual work So you when you love on yourself your foundation begins to be solid I'm gonna repeat that when you love on yourself your foundation begins to be solid So this is why I continually recommend book after book after book Because folks Here's the bottom line if the foundation isn't solid all it takes is a little crack for Attraction to get killed. I mean literally killed. Okay, and it's not really attraction It's even though it's it might seem that way. It's really all about compatibility And this is why I continually recommend reading books. I've had one woman that made a comment You're making me read all these books that's gonna take days and weeks and hours and I'm like Why wouldn't you want to invest a few days a few weeks a few hours of your time to really shore up the foundation of your relationship? especially in the area of communication and that's why I want to lean into today another important book to read with respects to communication and that's nonviolent communication by Marshall Rosenberg Nonviolent communication by Marshall Rosenberg because when you actually learn how to communicate your feelings in a healthy way with one another and ladies Let me just say this When you lead by example, it actually helps him bring you closer brings him closer to you Let me repeat that when you lead by a healthy example It actually brings him closer to you fact You see my t-shirt it says I have your back and you can see that the back is missing here and he has the back, right? Well, that's because you've led by example to demonstrate what a healthy happy relationship is like But Jonathan men are supposed to lead the relationship process Folks, why is the number one search term for women? Why are men commitment phobic? Why do men disappear? What's the strange thing that kills attraction? Why is this so why are women seeking this out? It's because men are actually Winging it winging it in the dating process and this is why I want to shift the narrative because when you establish What you seek in a relationship, which is known as your standards and if you establish your boundaries What means is what's okay, and what's not okay for me? Then you actually are training him to be a better boyfriend Let me repeat that you're actually training him to be a better boyfriend Now, I know many of you are listening this going I don't want to train a guy folks. I'm here to say Let me pause for a moment I'm here to say the way to a man's heart Requires a woman to open a man's heart Let me repeat that the way to a man's heart requires a woman to open a man's heart And I can share from personal experience. It took a woman to break open my heart. I wasn't always this way I lived in the fantasy way that believing chemistry was the indicator of relationship success And it wasn't until I was in relationship with a therapist that helped me understand The importance of what I shared today the shared values the blend of a lifestyles and emotional maturity It helped I had to break open myself So I could be able to share what I am with you today so By the way, I want to share with everyone my mug today says salty vibe salty vibes those who know me know my my son's nickname Connor this is my son who passed away a few years ago. His nickname was salty So I want to just give a shout out to the person that sent that to me. Thank you so much for your generosity. I really appreciate it But coming back full circle. Okay So he seems into you and all of a sudden attraction seems to be pulled over he pulls away or attraction seems to be killed Most likely there was a determination for maybe one or both of you that you didn't share the same values or your lifestyles Just weren't compatible with one another and more importantly. There was a lack of emotional maturity on both sides And this kills attraction. This is why I'm a big proponent of doing inner work While you're in relationship or doing inner work prior to being in a relationship So you can shore up the foundation so you can build a healthy happy relationship because as this water line drops What's left is not an iceberg what's left is a mountain and when you've heard the phrase men will move mountains That's because you are totally bonded with one another in a healthy happy way And that's my invitation for everyone. So bottom line is this ladies You're the ones purchasing this book far greater than men my invitation for you is to lead an exam and inspire by Example by demonstrating what it looks like to be a grown-up in relationship And if you haven't read the book how to be an adult in relationship I highly recommend that because when you lead by example The wrong guys are going to run away very fast and the right guys are going to lean into the relationship and my Invitation for you is when you lead by example, you actually draw in The more emotionally healthy guys and let me just say this there are plenty of emotionally healthy men out there Most men are good guys. They're just bad daters and if you'd be a little more Accommodating you might find out that you have a diamond in the rough and that's my invitation for you today All right, I'd like to hear your thoughts on this Please post a comment below. Let me know what you think of my shirt or my muck as well I do my best to read all the comments As if you're if you're interested in some help or support check out the link to my VIP group called midlife Love mastery as I said, this will allow you direct access to me on a regular basis Also, check out the link to Jonathan recommends books because all of the books I share today are listed there All right, I'm going to wrap up this video as I always do first off Give myself a big gigantic John the Merrick of self love I'm going to reach into the camera and give you a hug of love if that's okay I'm going to ask you to turn to someone a pat a teddy bear pillow and give it or them a hug of love Because hugs are a great source of love and let's face it. We could all use more love in our lives. Thanks a bunch. Bye. Bye now