 The Avid and Costello program brought to you by Camel, the cigarette that's first in the service. Camel's safe, fresh, cool, smoking and slow burning because they're packed to go around the world. The music of Freddie Rich and his orchestra, the songs of Connie Haynes, tonight's guest, Carrie Grant and Don Bartlett, and starring... What's the shop and what is it? I just passed the make-up me window and either they were undressing the dummies or the women ain't wearing anything this spring. Now look, let's talk sense. I'd like to know one thing, Costello. Why can't I hear your radio on my station at home? Why is it that I can't hear it? I can't get the thing in at all. No, no, what wavelength are you broadcasting on? Oh, the wavelength! Oh, we've been broadcasting on a little bye-bye. Little bye-bye? Yeah, short waves. Look, how long have you been mixed up with short waves? Ever since I got slapped by a tall wax. Look, I'm trying to find out the power of your radio station. How many volts do you have? Oh, I got plenty of volts. My father volts, my mother volts. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Not volts, I mean volts with an L. L. What's voltage? Yes. Guess what? That's right. What right? What is voltage? And I'm telling you. You're telling me what? Yes. Here we go again. Oh, listen, I'll explain it another way. At your house, you have a little electric light bulb. Now, what do you see on the bottom of that bulb? Fly. But suppose the flies weren't there. Then it wouldn't be my house. Will you pay attention? On the bottom of your electric light bulb, it says 40 watts. Now, that means wattage. And wattage was discovered by a man named James Watt. What was the man's name? I don't know. Was it Smith? Oh, it wasn't Smith. What was the man's name? Are you asking me or telling me? I'm telling you. You're telling me what? That's right. What's right? Correct. You have what's in your radio station, and your antenna throws out watts. What is watt doing in my aunt Anna's house? Stinkleburger, friend of Mrs. Cockenlockers. All right. Look, Castell, I'm talking about the... What happened to us? All right. I'm talking about the antenna. Haven't you got an antenna that goes on the roof? Sure. That's where she goes to hang the laundry. All right, goodness. Don't you know the difference between a radio antenna and a wash line? A radio antenna draws the waves. And a wash line waves the drugs. This is just a waste of time. I don't know. Well, good evening, fellas. Say, what's all the noise about, bud? Oh, hello, Ken. I was just arguing with Castell about his radio station. Oh, that pile of junk. Yeah. And I'm not interested in his radio station. He wouldn't give me a job as the announcer. Niles, your hands are too long. I need an announcer with little, tiny hands. Yeah. You've got to have short pause for station identification. Look, Castella, will you stop fighting with Niles after all? You're a fine one to judge talent. That's right, bud. I even refused to give my beautiful wife a job as a singer. And her voice is trained. Trained? It ain't even housebroken yet. Oh, I heard that remark. You fat, comtoon head. I said it for you to hang your skinny... Make it easy. You might be interested to know that many people have praised my singing. Yes. Every time you start to sing, your dog leaves home. Last time he left, he took the doghouse with him. Don't pay any attention to Castella. This time he takes you. Shout out. Pay no attention to him, Mrs. Niles. Let him keep his radio station. Oh, well, frankly, Mr. Abbott, I am a little disappointed. Because I did so want to do a short wave broadcast to our boys overseas. You know, I have a leaning toward soldiers. I saw you tilt a little towards sailors. You speak to me like that, you big fat blubberhead. Mrs. Niles, I am not a blubberhead. Or... Army could use you to replace a landing barge for active duty. Stagger's me. Oh, no, darling, you're with stagger's me. Oh, no, dear, you stagger me. Oh, no, I insist you stagger me. Ladies and gentlemen, you have just heard from two punch drunk. Castella, that's no way to handle people. If that's how you're conducting your radio station, you won't have a listener left. Answer that. Station, I owe you the voice of the creditors. Lou Costello speaking. Mr. Costello, I've listened to your new radio station ever since it started last week, and I think your programs are wonderful. Really? Yes, I was going to send you a fan letter, but I can't write it until next week. What happens next week? That's when they take off my straitjacket. From India into Burma, pointing toward China, winds the Lado Road, substitute for the enemy-held Burma Road. To American Army engineers on the Lado Road, to United States bases and outposts throughout the world, go camel cigarettes by the millions, by the tongue, for camels are first with men in all the services according to actual sales records. Because camels have to be fresh in Burma, they're fresh around your corner too. Yes, your camel cigarettes stay fresh, cool smoking and low burning because they're packed to go around the world. Today, more people want camels. More people want the fresh cigarette, the cigarettes with more flavor. So remember, if your store is sold out, camel cigarettes are worth asking for again. C-A-M-E-L-S. Camel cigarettes. Camel standard of costlier tobaccos is the same for soldier, for civilian, anywhere in the world. Freddie Rates and the orchestra play Morton Gould's lovely modern composition. This is Writers and the Singers. I'm just a minute, Adam. I'm under those three great singers. John and Gypsy Rose Lee. Ah, ah, wait a second. Gypsy Rose Lee doesn't sing. Who cares? I don't believe you're a singer at all, Costello. Did you ever sing professionally? Oh, sure, Abbot. I used to sing in a fish market. Well, I had to sing for scale. A fish market quartet? Certainly. We had first tuner, second tuner, barracuda, and bass. Did your quartet make any money, Costello? No, we just sang for the halibut. Don't worry, Costello. Wait till my talents get here. I'll get some good programs for your station. Oh, come in. Oh, Costello, it's that lovely new singer I discovered. Come in, my dear. Oh, thank you. You mean Schwarthout? No, Warshout. I work in a laundry. You look like you've been through the ringer. Now shut up, Costello. Miss Warshout. Miss Warshout is a wonderful singer. Uh, let her show you her range. I don't even want to see your kitchen. All right, never mind. Oh, but I have a very unusual voice. I hit a high C above a high A. Listen. You insult that girl, Costello. She came here very highly recommended. In fact, I know her dressmaker. You're sending in telling me that that theme's got a dressmaker? Certainly. I thought Betsy Ross only made flags. Come in. Pardon me. Is this station IOU the voice of the creditors? Costello, look who it is. Carrie Grant. Boys, how's everything? Carrie, you should have let me know you were coming over. I ain't prepared. What do you mean? Well, if I knew you were coming, I would have got a finger wave. Oh, talk sense, Costello. Carrie, this business is a great surprise. What brings you over here to Costello's radio station? Well, but next Sunday is Easter. You can't get those candy eggs, so I thought I'd come over here and pick up the real thing. No, no, no. Well, brother, you can pick that one up. You brought it in with you. Don't take offense, Lou. I was only kidding. I think you're a very funny fellow. In fact, everybody at our house gathers around the radio each Thursday night at 7 o'clock. Yeah? Yeah, and at 7.30, we turn it on. 30 were off the air! All right, never mind. Costello, you met Carrie Grant's family? Early I met his family. I climbed up the tree and shook hands with his father. Oh, you're a funny fellow. Well, Costello, my family remembers you, too. That is all but my grandmother. Don't your grandmother remember me? No, but she remembers your jokes. Yeah, but you better hold me before I kill this guy. Wait a minute. You better think twice. He's as twice as big as you are. Well, then hold him. Quiet, Costello. Listen, Carrie, is there something we can do for you here at the station? What? I'm going to do something for you. I found the most talented fellow in the country who will absolutely be a sensation on the air. The fellow's a genius. Does everything. His name's Don Barclay. Come on in, Don. Nice to have you with us, Mr. Barclay. And now, what do you do? Can you sing? No. Do you recite? Uh-uh. Well, can you do imitations? No. So far, this guy has loaded with talent. Didn't I tell you, that's what everybody says. This guy will really build up your station. He's got a great program for the kiddies, too. Where he reads the funny papers. Go ahead, Don. Read the funny papers. Okay. Oh, boy, he sure loves those funny papers. Are you almost through, Don? Not quite. The papers were sure funny today, weren't they? All this fellow kills me. He's going to make a name for himself. I've got a couple of them right now for him. Just a minute, Costella. Kerry, what else does Barclay do? Go on, you tell him, Don. Now, that's Mr. Abbott. Kerry and I have worked up a great big finish. He stands on one side of the stage, and I stand on the other. And we juggled 75 Indian clubs back and forth without dropping a club. Are you ready, Mr. Grant? Ready, Mr. Barclay? Well, and here we go. Wait a minute. We learned to do it with clubs, Ed. Long destined for the top. It's called Two Heavens. Flat enough for you? Well, it can be worse than your cigarette. If wartime flatness is spoiling your smoking, get camels for more flavor. If you're looking for a cigarette that won't go flat, no matter how many you smoke, get camels for more flavor. Now, I can tell you about camel cigarette extra flavor. Comes from the expert matchless way. Camels are blended of costlier tobaccos. But the best way is to find out for yourself in your T-zone, your taste and throat. Your taste will tell you that camels do have more flavor. The thing that helps them to hold up. Keep from going flat, no matter how many you smoke. And your throat is your best judge of camel cigarette smooth extra mildness. And, of course, camels stay fresh. Cool smoking and slow burning, because they're packed to go around the world. Camel cigarettes. They're first in the service. They've got what it takes. Come in. Well, hello, fellas. How's the radio station coming along? Harry Grant. Troubles are over, Costella. I've got just what you need. A great writer. That's what your station needs. Can you ever hear that famous poem? Snow, snow, beautiful snow. Did he write that? No, he shall have it. Abbott, I wonder what the women see in this bomb. Eh, shut up. Harry, Harry, where is this writer of yours? Right at the hall. His name's Don Barclay. Come on in, Don. Hello, fellas. Oh, the mental midget is back. This is the same guy that juggles without cloth. Ah, yeah, but he gave that up. He's a writer now. Now show him one of your script, Don. But, uh, Carrie, this is a blank piece of paper. Oh, well, he hasn't learned to write with words yet. Abbott, this guy is dumberer than me. Oh, no, you mean dumberer than I. Okay, he's dumberer than the both of us. Uh, yeah, it's your mom and Mr. Costella. You've got the wrong piece of paper. Here's the script right here. Oh, it's a great show. And what are we waiting for? You, fellas, help us out. We'll show you just what this great program sounds like. The makers of Tip Top To Pay Paste present another episode in the life of our friend Phil. Now, a word from our sponsor. Men, do you suffer from flying to pay? When the man in back of you sneezes, does the man in front of you automatically wear your toupee? Tip Top To Pay Paste is sure to stick in the daytime and easy to remove at night. Listen to one purchaser remove his toupee. And now to our friend Phil. As we look in upon Phil today, he is all alone in his room waiting for his long-lost brother Randolph, whom he has not seen for 40 years. Suddenly, there is a knock at the door. The door opens and Phil speaks. No, no, Randolph, it can't be you. No, no! Hey, Carrie, that was a great program. Has Mr. Barkley got any more of them? Oh, I've got lots of them. Would you like to hear my all-night record program? Now, wait a minute, Barkley. I bought one of them last week from Allen Ladd. Oh, come on, give Don a chance, Costello. Let's all pitch in, try it out. Are you okay? Acres of Miller's Meatless Meatballs bring you the all-night record program. Remember, folks, when you go to your butcher's tomorrow, ask for Miller's Meatless Meatballs. You can easily recognize Miller's Meatless Meatballs as it is the only meatball that weighs 200 pounds. And here's Happy Louie to bring you nothing but music. Come in, Louie. Thank you, thank you, and a goody-good evening to you record fans everywhere. This has happened to you the longest uninterrupted record program on the air. Seventy-two hours! This number is being dedicated to Mr. and Mrs. Krausmeier on their 73rd wedding anniversary. Good luck, kids. Also dedicated to Richard and Rodney on their birthday. Congratulations to Harry and Julia on their new sea book. Also dedicated to Cock-Eyed Sam the Salad Man at Hyman's Delicatessen and a Snooki Pie. And now back to Dancing and T4-2. I want to interrupt the music for just a moment to tell you that you're listening to a recording of T4-2. Tension all women over 400 pounds. Are you fat? When you walk by the corner drugstore, does the stale outside jump inside? When you stand up, do your rubber heels spread out like pancake batter? Can you lose your last dollar at poker and still walk away with a pot? Then get yourself a jar of bats you're fat away reducing cream tonight. Now a word from a satisfied user, Mr. Phil H. Finlick. You used to weigh 308 when I sat on a truck in your reducing cream. Dancing to the music of T4-2. Well, fellas, how'd you like Don Barkley's program? How'd you like Don's program? Can he do anything else besides not write? Oh, yeah, he's got some great imitation of wild animals. Don, do your imitation of a wild mountain goat. Now two goats. Now three goats. Hold it, goats, hold it! The Wild Australian Ork. The Wild Australian Ork? How does it go, Costello? Come here, Barkley, I'll show you. Just back in just a moment. Thanks to the angst of the week, tonight we salute Private William Page of the Risconee, New York, an infantryman with a fifth army in Italy. While crawling toward Nazi machine gun nests, Private Page met a German patrol. They netted one of the enemy and shot another. Then together with his lieutenant, he attacked two machine gun nests with rifle fire, wiping out all the Germans in both of them. In your honor, Private William Page, the makers of camels are sending to our soldiers overseas 300,000 camel cigarettes. Each of the four camel radio shows honors a yank of the week. Then 300,000 camel cigarettes overseas. A total of more than a million camels sent free each week. In this country, the traveling camel caravan have thanked audiences of more than three and a half million yanks with free shows and free camels. Camel broadcasts go out to the United States four times a week, a short wave to our men overseas and to South America. Listen tomorrow to Gary Moore and Jimmy Durante, Saturday to Bob Hawking thanks to the yanks, Monday to Blondie, and next Thursday to Aberdeen Costello with their guest, Mr. George Breft. Now for just a moment, I'd like to talk to every woman between 20 and 35 who isn't doing a war job. The Navy wants waves, wants them so badly that many special advantages are being given. You'll have free travel to New York City for training, a chance to go to specialized schools to become expert in radio or aviation or a dozen other jobs. All expenses like food, clothing, and medical care will be paid, so your salary will equal a civilian salary of 150 to $235 a month. If you're 20 to 35, a citizen with two years high school or business school, single or married with no children under 18, apply to your naval recruiting station. You can find it in the phone book. Or write to Waves, Washington 25 D.C. for the free booklet, The Story of You in Navy Blue. That's Waves, Washington 25 D.C. And now, here's Abbot and Costello with the final word. Thanks, Ken. Well, that's about all we have time for. Good night, folks. And don't forget to tune in next week. Our special guest will be George Brent. Good night, everybody. Good night. Be sure and tune in next week for another great Abbot and Costello show with our special guest, Mr. George Brent. Kerry Grant is currently in production in RKO's None but the Lonely Heart. And remember, get camels for more flavor. If you're looking for a cigarette that won't go flat, no matter how many you smoke, get camels for more flavor. This is Ken Niles, wishing you a very pleasant good night from Hollywood.