 The narcissist loves you one minute, but hates you the next. Part 1 Sometimes it seems as though the narcissist really cares about you. It seems as though they have your best interest in mind, as though they want things to work out, but then suddenly out of nowhere they change and become very hateful and angry towards you. It's almost like they become a different person. A different personality, the kind, caring person has suddenly disappeared. And what you are left with is someone who not only doesn't care about you, but also wants to cause you as much pain and distress as they possibly can. Why does this happen? Why does the narcissist love you one minute and then hate you the next? That is what I am going to be talking about in this video. Narcissists lack emotional intelligence. They lack the ability to understand, use and manage their emotions in positive ways. This makes it difficult for them to relieve stress, communicate effectively, empathise with other people, overcome challenges and diffuse conflict. They have difficulty with this because they lack emotional intelligence. It affects their ability to process information and come to sound decisions. They struggle with whole object relations. They lack the ability to form an integrated, realistic and relatively stable image of themselves and other people that simultaneously includes both liked and disliked aspects. Both strength and flows. They have a dualistic mentality. They see things in black or white. In their minds a person is either all good or all bad and that can change depending on whether or not the narcissist gets away or if the narcissist feels threatened or insecure. Most often both their positive and negative perceptions of people have nothing to do with the people themselves. It all depends on how the narcissist is feeling at that specific time. It also depends on whether the narcissist can project their imagined desirable traits onto them and use them for narcissistic supply by proxy. Though sometimes if the narcissist sees something in another person that they want but do not have that could cause them to feel envious and jealous. And then they will view the person that's all bad as a coping and defence mechanism. It triggers the narcissist to reflect on how they really feel about themselves so they have to discredit the person and portray them as less than who they really are. They use people to regulate their emotions and boost their false sense of self-worth, self-esteem and self-importance. The narcissist also struggles with object constancy. They lack the ability to believe that a relationship is stable and complete. They observe setbacks, arguments and disagreements and assume that it is not a stable relationship. This causes them to become very anxious. They are always on edge and live in constant fear of abandonment. This causes them to become overbearing, suffocating and clingy, which can often cause their relationship partner to want to leave, which then validates the narrative in the narcissist's mind. The narcissist always has to be in contact with you. They cannot be alone. If they don't see or hear from you, even for a short amount of time, they will feel as though something is wrong. They'll believe that your relationship has magically changed or that you are cheating on them. But by being overbearing, suffocating and clingy, it drives their relationship partner away, rather than bringing them closer. And because of this, the very things that they feared, the very scenarios that were going on in their heads, could eventually become a reality. A relationship with a narcissist can be so confusing. The narcissist sways back and forth between loving you with complete sincerity and commitment and hating you with a passion. This is what creates the cycle of abuse in a relationship with a narcissist. This is what creates the patterns of behaviour in an abusive relationship. They pulled you into their world with the false character that they displayed to you in the beginning. And by the time you figure out who you're really involved with, it's too late to separate yourself from them. Many people live in the same house as the narcissist. Or they might have married them or have children with them. All because they were tricked and lured in by their deceptive appearance or impression that the narcissist displayed to them. It's a shock when you realise who you're really dealing with. When you have to deal with a verbal and sometimes physical abuse, it can be very traumatising. It creates a trauma bond which only prolongs your attachment to them. The narcissist drills the same negative demotivated messages into your head day after day, devaluing you and degrading you. Making you feel worthless and insignificant. Making you feel like no one else would want you. And they make you feel as though anyone else that would want you. Just be desperate or worthless themselves. They make you believe that you don't deserve anything better than what they are giving to you. When you look back at the beginning of the relationship, it can be very hard to believe that you're dealing with the same person. When you look back at the false character that they displayed to you at the beginning, it seemed too good to be true. They seemed far too caring and understanding of your situation. Far too eager to get to know you. They may have attended to your needs and made you feel validated. Giving you money or gifts. Made you feel appreciated. They might have been very affectionate towards you. They really went out of their way and made an effort to accommodate you. To fit in with your wishes or needs. They love bombed you. They wanted you to believe that the deceptive appearance or impression was real or genuine. But this was just to get you hooked on them like a drug until they knew that they had you. And then they reduced their efforts. Then gradually the care, understanding and affection began to disappear. And it was replaced by opposition. Now they became opposed to everything that you were doing. Everything that you were about. They started to argue and disagree with you, devalue and degrade you. In an attempt to make you feel beneath them. They never took responsibility for how they treated you. They always shifted the blame and tried to make you feel as though it was your fault. But they could get you to believe it. It made it more believable for them. They wanted you to believe that it was your fault. That you could not live up to their impossible expectations. Expectations that could never be fulfilled. Because the problem wasn't with anything outside of them. The problem was within them. And that is something that no one can resolve. Other than them. They invented this delusional fantasy in their heads. About who you are and how you should be. When it just doesn't fit into reality. It was an impossible expectation. You cannot turn a real living human being into the fantasy that you have created in your mind. It just doesn't work that way. You have to accept them as they are. It's always after an argument or disagreement. It's always after a verbal or physical attack. After they have called you all sorts of names or physically attacked you. Then they might give you a hug or tell you that they love you. And then everything appears to go back to normal. It's almost like when you first met them. But this is just to keep you locked in. This is to stop you from leaving. It has nothing to do with them loving or caring for you. They do not love you. They do not care for you. Everything they do revolves around themselves and their own needs. They are self-absorbed and lack empathy. However they choose to act is designed to get them whatever they need in that moment. So if they have to bring back the love bombing after they have attacked you. They will do that. And that is most often what they will do following the abuse. Because they already know that you're going to want to run away from them. So they have to find a way to keep you around. They have to find a way to keep you locked in. And they do that by bringing back the love bombing and making you feel valued and appreciated again. And you feel as though there is no reason for you to leave. This continues for some time. You feel like everything has gone back to normal until there is another argument or disagreement. Another verbal or physical attack. And yet again you are made to feel beneath them. The narcissist doesn't want to resolve anything. They do not have your best interest in mind. You will never have a healthy honest relationship with them. And they will never have one with anyone. And that wasn't even what they were looking for when they targeted you. They needed you to function. They needed someone to beat down so that they could elevate themselves. By regulating their emotions and boosting their false sense of self-worth, self-esteem and self-importance. That's why they always play the victim. Every fight you have with them, they will always play the victim. Even if you justifiably question or confront them on something hurtful they've said or done to you, they won't acknowledge what they've done wrong. They will instead try to divert your attention to something that you've said or done whether real or imagined, they will not acknowledge what they've done wrong. They cannot hold themselves accountable for their actions. It's too painful for them to accept that they are at fault. So they shift the blame onto you. They try to portray you as the abuser which leaves them to get away with yet another one of their wrongdoings. They never learn from their faults or mistakes because they never acknowledge them. Which means that they never grow or develop emotionally. So it leaves them in a conditional state where they are as emotionally immature as a child. They have temper tantrums. They shout and scream when they can't get their way. Yet they do not do anything to change their own behaviour. They expect you to change to accommodate them. Thank you for watching. Part 2 will be coming soon. I hope this video resonates with you. Please like, comment, share and subscribe. Click the bell icon to receive notifications for my future videos. If you would like to donate, my PayPal link is in the video description. Coaching and Choirs, you can email me at nagsforumcoaching at gmail.com. Thank you for watching and I'll talk to you soon.