 CHAPTER XV of LIVING WITH OUR CHILDREN by Clare D. Pearson. This Librebox recording is in the public domain. AT BEDTIME There are two phases to the problem of the children's bedtime. The first, that of getting them off promptly and pleasantly, and the second of making this what might be called the CAP-SHEEF of the day, the hour in which the good of the preceding hours is garnered and conserved. Honesty compels us to confess that for many of us the first largely obscures the second in our thought. We are so very human, we mothers, and we do become so tired. And the children become tired, and the telephone rings inopportunely, and a caller drops in, and the children are interested in play, and there are pleas for an extension of time for just this once. You know how that complication usually ends. It sometimes seems as though households, as well as political conventions, should have a definite order of the day, on which to rely in such perplexing situations. It would simplify things so. It would be so comfortable if it were quite conventional and customary for the mother who was marshalling her flock towards the staircase to greet the caller with the statement, You are out of order. The motion to retire takes precedence. However, since there is no person so subject to conflicting calls and interruptions as a mother, it is evidently the duty of each to work out some sort of solution for herself and abide by it. Haphazard methods are no methods at all, and great are the penalties which they entail. The first step is to decide upon the proper bedtime, asserting the amount of sleep which each should have, and then setting the hour for retiring with due regard to the one at which he should arise in order to be quite ready for breakfast with the family and get off to school comfortably if he attends school. Remember that a child cannot be rushed from bed to the breakfast table and eat what he should. There must be a little time for romping before he is asked to eat. Once the bedtime is appointed, observe it, observe it, observe it. It should be so much a matter of course that any deviation from it will be remembered for weeks, and deviations should be permitted only for what are really reasons of importance in the child's life. In one household where the children fancied that when the clock struck seven it was saying, little boys now go to bed, and race to see which should reach their upstairs room first. The only recognized excuses for later hours were Christmas Eve exercises, 4th of July fireworks, the necessity of taking an early evening train once annually, and the twice a year privilege of sitting up on the end of the summer resort dock until nine o'clock when the full moon was shining across the water toward them and the little waves were sparkling in its silvery reflection. Do you pity those children? You need not. They got more out of their eventful five evenings than any of their companions got out of being up until eight or nine each night of the year. The wonder of those evenings of glorious moonlight is now being told to their children, who also retire early. They never felt themselves wronged when they had to go to bed while their friends and contemporaries were playing about outside, and there were never any pleas for extension of time. This went on for a number of years, while their mother was secretly quite odd by her own success in carrying out her old fashioned ideas in a community where nobody else did the same. Then came a day when the boys waited upon her with a petition for a later bedtime. They were most sober and respectful about it, and said they felt that they were now old enough to sit up later. Their mother said that she had been thinking the same thing. There was a pause of delighted surprise. Then there was a question as to how much later they might remain up. The diplomatic mother, not wishing to make a needlessly great concession, asked them what they thought would be right. There was a pause in which they exchanged glances. Then the elder said, We think that we are old enough now to sit up ten minutes later. There was another pause, while the mother gravely considered the matter. Then she said, Very well. You may begin tonight to do so, but if you are ill or if you have been up late the previous evening for any reason, I may think it may be better to go back to seven once in a while. Moreover, once a year from now on, we will change the bedtime by ten minutes. That arrangement stood unquestioned until the little lads became youths. It was a unique and very funny experience, and it might never be duplicated in another household, yet here is the point of the incident. It was made possible only by such rigid adherence to a custom once established that it was an accepted thing. A single month of carelessness would have spoiled it all, a week might have done so. The bedtime hour was never postponed for the convenience of the time being. Other things must give way for it. The end of the day problems are much simpler if romping is not resumed after the last meal. That is a good time for producing quiet games before others get under way, or it is a good time for reading aloud or storytelling, always with such a consciousness of the passing of time that when the upward march must begin there will be no thrilling incident interrupted, no hero left dangling over a precipice, it is when the restraining clothing is removed and the tired little bodies are made comfortable for the rest of the night that there comes the best chance of the whole twenty-four hours for a calm and dispassionate consideration of the day past, and the one to come. It is a good time for young and old together to consider whether they are satisfied with the day just ended. It does not impair our influence with our children if we confess that we, like them, blunder and do wrong, it makes the bond closer, they see us do so. They should also have a chance to know that we acknowledge our shortcomings, deplore them, and try to conquer them, not in our own strength alone, but with that divine aid which we are teaching them to seek. But even tied, we can get a better perspective in looking back over the active hours. Perhaps we see how a serious wrong grew out of a bit of carelessness, or how thoughtlessness on our part made a heart ache for somebody else. Then it is time to confess our faults and ask forgiveness, while at the same time we resolve to guard the morrow from a repetition of such trouble-making. Then is the time for counting our mercies, for revealing the happiness of the day and the causes for it, and for cultivating that most necessary sense of life's true values. It is so easy to see, in our quiet, thoughtful period with our children, which of the day's happenings have left us an abiding happiness, a feeling of blessedness, perhaps. One does not have to preach nor assume an attitude of superiority to do this. It is easy to think back over our own days while our children are reviewing theirs. It is easy to see, then, that the candy which was eaten with avidity does not make us any happier now for having had it. It is quite the contrary, while the memory of having done faithful work, or of helping an unfortunate, bestows lasting comfort. It is a good time for recalling the beautiful sunset, the fine music we have heard, any special privileges which we have enjoyed, and deciding to banish as far as possible from our memories any misfortunes which have befallen us. It is a good thing for old and young together to chat about the guarding of their thoughts and the real force for character which thought can be, all, of course, in words and illustrations which the youngest can comprehend. You remember the reply of Longfellow's Abbas Annie to the bishop? When he asked her, if no thoughts of love ever entered the minds of her nuns, we cannot hinder the wild birds from passing over our heads, but we can keep them from building their nests in our hair, she said. And so with the events of the day reviewed and their lessons learned, all may rest more sweetly and await the coming of the new day which is always a fresh beginning for every day is the world made new. Chapter 16 of Living with Our Children by Clara D. Pearson This LibriVox recording is in the public domain, self-expression. It would be extremely interesting if we could know how much of our potential ability we express in our lives. Whether we should be rated at a very low figure or at what might be called a passing percentage, it is quite certain that most of us would be astonished at the results, and it would be because our real possibilities are greater than we had imagined. It is tragic to realize how much wasted ability there is in the world, and the reasons for this state of things are many. Too many young people ascribe it to the lack of an expensive education. Too many adults think they never had a chance. Everybody has some chance. It may not be the particular one which he coveted, but we do not always know enough to prescribe wisely for ourselves, even when there is assurance of our having the prescriptions filled. The great thing is to make the most of the chance which is ours, to be willing so to prepare ourselves with what means our vouchsafed us, to play our part as we should in the world. We want to avoid conceit, but lack of self-confidence is worse than that. Life itself is quite certain to take the conceit out of all but the mentally defective, but it never instills assurance without the cooperation of the person needing it. A wise old teacher said to one of her pupils who hesitated about accepting a fine position, My dear, I should advise you to accept every developing chance of service for which those who know your work think you are capable. You will shut many doors of opportunity in your own face if you do not. We do much for our children if we encourage them in this way, and encouragement should begin in the preschool period. Usually we can look backward to our own early years and see quite clearly how the different adults of our family either repressed or inspired us. A repressed child does not become a normal adult. He lacks something of fulfilling his measure of usefulness. This does not mean that he should be permitted to run wild or to assert himself unduly. It does mean that when he wants to make his blundering and imperfect attempt to express his idea on paper in clay, in the construction of some simple mechanism, or in the staging of a drama in the attic, he might better be encouraged than repressed. If he cares enough about the matter to invest his thought and time in it, and some of the money which he has either earned by labour or saved from his allowance, he ought to be given his chance. Any improvement in the quality of his accomplishments should be commented on with appreciation, and defects mentioned only in a way which will show him how to remedy them in a second attempt. There is a tremendous amount of valuable education in such youthful experiments, even though only a small proportion of the experimenters ever develop into inventors or artists. The mother of Watt was probably greatly exasperated by his persistent meddling with her tea kettle, but she evidently did not stop it, and as a result we travel by steamer and railroad train instead of by sailing vessel and stagecoach. Thousands of other young meddlers of today learn from their mother's tea kettles only how to understand a bit better the wonderful force which he tamed and others developed, but that is worthwhile. For them it has all the thrill of an original discovery when they first comprehend that steam will work. The practical result in this case is not an invention but a recognition. We need a world full of intelligent appreciators and such interests are distinctly wholesome. However, it would simplify things in the kitchen if a battered old tea kettle were occasionally presented to the young student of natural forces. The ability which is sealed up in an individual by his lack of expression is a dead loss to the world and may become a source of restlessness to the possessor. Hold in mind the desirability of keeping the natural avenues of expression open and encouraging facility in the use of acquired means. To master one's native tongue so well as to be able to fit words closely around one's meaning, to wield a facile pen, to be able to seize a pencil and make one's meaning clear by diagram or scale drawing, to sing or play a melody correctly, even to whistle it, to whittle a presentable toy, to be able with scissors and needle to convert a piece of straight cloth into a garment, to combine ingredients into a wholesome and pelletable article of food, to lay out and cultivate an attractive garden, all these and many other undertakings mean self-expression and a growth in power and happiness. To little girls of long ago were encouraged by their mothers to establish a correspondence before they were able to write. The laboriously printed missives of childish sentences passed back and forth between the Atlantic coast and the Middle West until they learned to write, and the quality of the written ones improved steadily until the girls met for the first time in their early teens. Then the letters increased in volume and improved in style. It was not until both were married and their gainful occupations laid aside for home life that either attempted to write for publication, but the ability had been developing along with the happiness which it brought, and it is probably more than a mere coincidence that both are now successful writers and that they are the only ones in their families. How well their parents did to foster the habit of self-expression. How many other girls of the same generation perhaps in the same families had it in them to do equally good work but lacked the simple habit of letting their pens talk for them. Familiarity with the various media of expression means so much. Only the talents which are used increase. Only those which are used count for happiness to the user and blessing for the community, and only one who has steadfastly developed his power of expression knows how it has enriched his life. To encourage our children in these ways is to provide them with sources of happiness, usefulness, and revenue. Moreover, for a mother to encourage them thus is to be sure that in their mature years even though she may not be here to receive their thanks they will arise and call her blessed. CHAPTER 17 OF LIVING WITH OUR CHILDREN BY CLARA D. PIERSON. There has been for years a more or less outspoken conflict of opinion between those of the old school and those of the new in the matter of punishments. It has been claimed on scriptural authority that those who spare the rod spoil the child, and few there are who, whatever their previous convictions may have been, have not longed to inflict on some pampered and obnoxious darling those admitted spankings which he seems so desperately to need. However, there are various ways of spoiling children and some who have had their full quota of corporal punishment seem to have been quite effectively spoiled for real life, alienated from those who should be their dearest friends and confidants, driven to tricky sub-gefuges in the hope of avoiding chastisement and robbed to some extent of their initiative. Is there no safe middle ground, no underlying principle to which we can refer in the consideration of methods? All problems of life have their larger and their smaller aspects, and sometimes consideration of the one helps us in consideration of the other. In the world of penology, the emphasis is changing from retribution to reformation, and this as the result of long observation and study on the part of specialists. In spite of the survival of a few whipping posts, in spite of the fact that the strap remains in many state prisons, their occasional use is thought of as a deterrent rather than as a retribution. The growing popularity of the indeterminate sentence is another evidence of this change of thought. The prisoner's deed may deserve the maximum imprisonment permitted by law, yet if his condition and behavior in prison justify the presumption that he will return to the outside world intending and able to keep the law, he is released before the maximum period is passed. Coming from the big problem down to the little one then, we have to take as our guide the idea of the protection of society and the reformation of the sinner, and penalties which serve this double purpose are enough, whether or not they conform to the old standards. Let us be very sure that our sense of justice is never obscured by temper. One professional man remarked naively, I always punish my children at once when I am good and angry, for I have noticed that if I do not I am apt to let them off lightly. It is only fair to the legal profession to remark that he was not a lawyer. Here perhaps we find a suggestion of another truth, one by which we may test our own procedure occasionally. That punishment which will not stand the test of dispassionate judgment is an unwise one, destined to make more trouble than it cures. Be assured that children remember these things, and that parents are judged both now and in the child's later years as to their intent to deal justly. It is not so much the severity of the punishment as the possible injustice of it which leaves the lasting sense of injury. One discerning mother was wont to talk to her small boy in this fashion. Puppies have been trained by whipping, because that is the only way in which they can be taught the things which it is necessary for them to know. They cannot understand and reason as children can, so even when the owner loves the puppy and dislikes to hurt him, he has to whip him to keep him from growing into a bad dog. If the owner did not do so, he might become a dog who would gnaw bones in the parlor, steal food from the table, or even, if large enough, run after sheep in the fields and kill them. Children can understand and reason, you know, but if they are naughty and will not, and if other punishments do not keep them from doing what they know is wrong, then they have to be whipped just like puppies. It is a shame for a child to have to be whipped like a puppy. That is a good argument to present a child good in two ways. It appealed to his sense of justice and to his pride, and it was a kind which he could understand. All of these problems are individual. Nevertheless, most children are more influenced by the certainty and the duration of a penalty than by its severity. This is no argument for farcical punishments mere pretenses. It does imply, however, that the withdrawal of some privilege for a week is often more effective than a two-minute chastisement. Children have a strong sense of justice. Many of one, if asked what he considers a fair penalty for his disobedience, will advocate and submit to far more than his seniors would have meted out to him. He appeals from Philip drunk to Philip sober and sustains the appeal. He even contemplates his experience with a stern sense of satisfaction, quite as though the culprit were other than himself. Therefore it is always wise to consider this characteristic and to utilize it as early and as far as possible. Is it presuming to suggest that we do not always devote the time and thought necessary to understanding whether the small offender has done what is wrong from his point of view? As we grow older, most of us can recall one or more instances when we erred in this respect, and the recollections are very unhappy ones. The injustice of it all seems so irrevocable. It seems akin, in its small way, to letting an adult serve part of a life sentence for a murder which he did not commit, and then when we discover our error, opening the prison doors for him and expecting him to consider it a closed incident. There is a responsibility resting on us to understand all the elements in the case before making our decisions, even if the latter are delayed thereby. It is expedient and it is right. Another responsibility is ours, to check or to divert wrongly directed energy before it develops into wrongdoing. There is such a thing as contributory negligence on the part of adults. It is easier to steer the boat in a safe course before it is on the verge of the rapids. And offence on the edge of a precipice is more efficient than an ambulance in waiting at the bottom. The greatest principles are always applicable to the smallest problems, and after all what more do any of us need, then, to do justly, and to love mercy, and to walk humbly, and always, if one may complete the quotation, with our God. Do you remember an incident given in Mrs. Robinson's fine biography of Roosevelt, describing how his father said to the eleven-year-old boy, Theodore, You have the mind, but you have not the body, and without the help of the body, the mind cannot go as far as it should. You must make your body. It is hard drudgery to make one's body, but I know you will do it. And the little boy threw back his head, and with a flash of his teeth said, I'll make my body. How he succeeded all Americans know. Although they seldom think how much the nation owes to the discernment and wise counsel of the father, who inspired him to undertake and persist in the training, which changed a weakling into a man of wonderful energy and endurance. Some of us whose babies are weakly, or whose children are accidentally injured, need to cultivate a certain Spartan quality in ourselves and in them. In the nineteenth century most weaklings were pampered, and special concessions were made to the comfort of those handicapped by deafness, blindness, or deformity. No other course was considered fitting, and under the kindly ministrations and unquestioning sacrifices of those most interested, the weaklings grew weaker, and the deaf, blind, and deformed, more helpless, and exacting. Intelligent people of this day know better, and frequently do better under the guidance of good physicians. They recognize the fact that these children will eventually have to take their chances in a world of more normal people, too busy to make concessions, and that they must be fitted for it, that they must learn to accept and rise above what conditions are irremediable, to each fasten his cross uncannily, as it were wings, and go forward with it, undaunted. Many such a handicapped child of today will out-distance in life's race those who have a fairly good start and squander their heritage of strength. He will be so spurred on by the necessity of his case that he will do his utmost, while another, reckoning no necessity, will grow up with no thought of personal responsibility in the matter of his physique, retiring as late as he is permitted to, and eating whatever he desires, until his later school years he comes under the jurisdiction of some physical director and discovers that his deficiencies debar him from coveted privileges. Then, stung by his failure to make an athletic team, he may change his ways and modify to some extent a condition which might have been prevented. Lucky will his parents be if they do not come in for some undiscriminating youthful reproaches. Now, one does not have to be a doctor or a trained nurse to stimulate in a child a pride in health and endurance quite as real as the universal pride in personal appearance. Indeed, this latter pride may contribute to the former, for is not health the only foundation for good carriage and good complexion. In these days, any parent who cares enough about it to write an occasional postcard to federal or state headquarters, to remit an occasional dime or nickel to some of the many magazines engaged in child welfare work or to seek out one of the more and more numerous public health nurses can soon be fully informed as to the requirements for building up good general health and resistance to disease. He will then be in the same position as those parishioners of a certain old scotch minister who were dumbfounded when he preached the same sermon for two consecutive Sundays and remonstrated when he added a third. He heard the committee through quite respectively, took a deliberate pinch of snuff, and then with his eyes twinkling beneath his shaggy brows said, Leal, and have he left it yet? Long, long before the child reaches school age, much can be done to arouse his interest and stimulate his desire for a helpful regimen. Notice some of the little ways in which this can be done. Set apart some inconspicuous door casing in the house for a continuous record of his height, and make somewhat of an event of the marking it three or four times a year on certain dates, one of which should be his birthday. When his stature can be compared with that of a year previous, and they gain disgust, always in connection with his weight, carriage, and general condition, note the weight on the casing beside the dated record of his height. If there are several children in the household, a wholesome rivalry is sure to develop, all of which tends to stimulate interest. The measurements might better always be made rather early in the forenoon, as some lessening or settling results from the day's activities. An outspoken and evident desire on the part of the parents to keep themselves fit and backing up precept with practice is valuable in more ways than one. A casual remark now and then usually accomplishes more than is evident at the moment. My own weight is not right of late. I must try to remedy that. I like that new boy who was here yesterday. He looks as though he had a healthy mind in a healthy body. Mrs. Blank seems to be a very good mother. I notice that she is careful to provide the right sort of food so that her children can keep their bodies built up and developing properly. Note, please, that it is always to be assumed that health building is the child's privilege and duty. It is not a favor to the parents, as is too often taken for granted. Children are fortunate when their parents are willing to cooperate in such ways. What a pretty girl Lucille is. I hope that she will take care of her health and grow even prettier. Too many girls lose their beauty by carelessness. Even before our children are old enough for consciously undertaking systematic health building, body making, they should be taught the location and function of the vital organs and various little facts concerning the senses. They should be accustomed to pointing out the location of a pain or discomfort with one finger, instead, for instance, of indicating a belly ache with a large and vague gesture of the whole hand. And then there are the possibilities of amateur physiology lessons during the children's hour with one or two at a time in the class lying on the floor while a teacher who pretends to be very stern illustrates as he goes along. This is your head or cranium. It contains your brains and they are what do your thinking for you. These are your eyes you see with them. They are guarded by your eyelids and these have fringes of eyelashes which shade them and help to keep things out of your eyes. They are also protected by your eyebrows which grow above them and prevent the perspiration from running down into them from your forehead in warm weather. This is your nose tweaking it. It is to smell with. You should always follow it around and keep it out of other people's business. This is your mouth. It should be used for eating, drinking, singing and whistling and also for speaking true and kind things. It should never speak crossly. It is very important because all the food which is to change your little body into a fine grown-up one has to go through it and without food and drink of the right kind you could never have a really fine body. These are your ears you hear with them and if you ever find yourself in a place where you hear the wrong sorts of things remember that you have legs which should take you away at once. There are ridges and hollows in your ears which are hard to keep clean but they are very important for they help the sounds to find their way to the inner ear where you hear them. This is your breast bone or sternum. Most of your ribs have their front ends fastened to it etc. etc. These are your ribs. Lie still. What makes you wriggle so when I am giving you a lesson? These are your ribs I say. There you go wriggling again laughing to tickling you. What was that? Why do you not attend to your lesson and keep your faces sober as children should in school? You can see what a frolic this may be and how the children would enter into it. Beginning with only a few facts it is easy to add one or two at each lesson until they have without the least effort on their part absorbed considerable rudimentary information along the lines of anatomy and physiology together with various reminders as to deportment. Perhaps the giving of the synonyms used by physicians sternum scapula etc. seem absurd. Of course it is not in the least imperative but children enjoy an occasional big word and as they grow older familiarity with these terms will make easily comprehensible many health articles which are constantly appearing in daily papers and in state and government bulletins. So if we happen to understand them ourselves why not use them? As in so many of our modest educational ventures there is a possibility of profit and no danger whatever of loss. So why not? One is often prompted to wonder if that part of our education which is unconsciously absorbed in conversation or play or from observation may not be the most important part. It is certainly the part which we are most apt to retain and which most determines our character and daily living. Therefore it behooves us to begin early in citing our children to make their bodies. Chapter 19 Impishness was devoted to one of our standard hymns approach my soul the mercy seat and his father questioned him repeatedly as to the reason why he was so fond of it. Do you like the word so much he would ask or is it the music which you enjoy? Yet no matter how he approached the subject the reply was invariably the same. Oh I don't exactly know but that is a hymn. And the father his eyes twinkling as he narrated the incident would shrug his shoulders and say well anyone who knows Freddy knows that it ought to appeal to him but the very peculiar thing about it is that it does. Every now and then we run across some kindred incident in which a child shows an intense appreciation of an interest in something which is commonly considered quite beyond his kin. When we consider this fact instead of merely being amused by an isolated instance we begin to wonder if there may not be in all children certainly in a considerable class of them an instinct too often ungratified for gripping and making their own some of the really majestic facts and ideals of life. If so how neglected is that power? There is among all children a pride in acquiring a few long words being able to speak them correctly and to spell them ostentatiously upon occasion. A little fellow who's still list considered it one of his greatest accomplishments to spell Constantinople without an error or a pause for thought and there is another queer thing to be remarked the way in which children appreciate a grown up possession of their own. One elderly woman still recalls a certain Christmas of her early childhood when among the many toys of her collection she found a walnut wall pocket designed to hold newspapers. It had not been purchased for her but had been taken with numerous other wooden trifles by some relative in repayment of an uncollectable loan and had been included in her gifts to increase the array rather than because it could be of any conceivable use to her and yet after all these years it is the only one of the gifts which she can remember and it is a source of poignant regret to her that it was lost in one of the many removals of the family and she can no longer recall the joys of that far off period by gazing upon the molded sawdust cherub which adorned its front. Since these things are so why not utilize this childish tendency to better effect. It is said that the late Francis G. Parker used to step into a room of his wonderful school and say, children what is the great word and a smiling course would answer him responsibility. It is a great word great for a child to pronounce greater for him to spell and greatest for him to understand but it is not beyond him in any of these ways. If only there is somebody who cares enough for him to keep the matter in mind and help him by seemingly casual reminders and reviews somebody who will remember to use the word in his presence when talking to adults in speaking with admiration of people who have a fine sense of responsibility or condemning others who have no sense of responsibility. It is easy to speak of Washington's great responsibility during the early days of our country of an honorable businessman as a responsible person of your own responsibilities in the home of his being responsible for filling the wood box or clearing the walks. All this may seem very trivial most things do and considered alone but is all part of the introduction to a great ideal to the sort of thing which holds men and women true to many an uncongenial task and has often made a plucky coward of a frightened mortal. If we do not make it a matter of conscious endeavor our children grow up more familiar with the names and properties of material things than with those of abstract and all important qualities yet which is the more important. Our public schools have small time for the teaching of ethics in these days of overloaded curricula and even if there were time for it this sort of instruction is one in which the personal relationship the close intimacy counts for so much. It is not a subject for successful mass teaching the Sunday schools can handle it better but they reach only a small proportion of our young people and that for only one hour a week a considerable portion of which is devoted to the opening and closing exercises. Moreover it is particularly true that in the things of the spirit it is the word spoken in season and fitly spoken that counts the Sunday school teaches opportunity and the child's mood do not always coincide. It is the parents who have the wonderful chances if they will but improve them to build up a respect for a delight in the great abstract qualities which can be presented to the child only through the medium of words or through those actions which the words inspire. Oh there are truly some great words in our wonderful language words worth talking about and considering for many angles words the comprehension of which should come to us early in order that the qualities which they represent may become part of the very warp and wolf of our lives. Responsibility, principle, truth, courtesy, thrift, wisdom and many more a noble company to be admitted to our speech and to our thoughts. Chapter 20 of Living with Our Children by Clara D. Pearson This LibriVox recording is in the public domain. Fact or fiction. When Job spake in his wrath declaring all men to be liars he expressed a conviction of which he afterward repented yet it is eternally true that all men have been liars and it is a heartbreaking moment when the young mother first detects her eldest born in a falsehood. She does not remember the time when, in her turn, she so appalled her mother or if she was fortunate enough to have been one of the younger members of an old-fashioned family when she lied without appalling her mother. Perhaps at this moment more frequently than at any other of the disciplinary crises of child-rearing does a sense of consternation and utter inadequacy overwhelm mothers. How can they ever instill a love of truth into the beguiling little criminal who vowed that he had not gone near the jam-pot even while his face and fingers bore the tell-tale stains? Truth among a civilized people like ours is considered so fundamental. Everything, even our system of credit, presupposes the integrity of the individual. What a black future must then await the child who will look his parents in the eye and lie, lie before he is six. So the reasoning is apt to run and various punishments are considered from washing out the mouth with laundry-soap, which has been thought peculiarly to fit the crime, to those spankings which Mrs. Wigan declares do not reach the seat of the conscience. But hold, there may be some subtle significance in that phrase before he is six. Chiljana not born with an understanding of the nature and importance of truthfulness. That develops more or less rapidly, and its development is retarded by the extreme vividness of imagination possessed by the young child, most of whose games and diversions depend upon successful making-believe. The boundary line between the real and imaginary is sometimes very vague. One boy of eight who had lived for several years in an institution confessed to his adopted parents that he was the one guilty of a certain misdeed, and when it was later ascertained that he was quite innocent, was reproved and questioned concerning his action, and told that he should tell the truth. This was his reply. Why, you said that you wished that somebody would confess to having done it? And so I did. What is truth? He was an alert and intelligent boy, but his had not been the normal life, with attention to his individual needs, and it proved that his idea of truth was, saying what people wanted you to say. Such an instance may be almost without parallel, yet the fact that it could occur shows that the comprehension of what truth means is not inborn. Many children are punished for lying when they do not understand what the trouble is, and there is a cruel injustice done which can never be undone. Why wait for such a crisis to arise before making sure that the child knows the nature of a lie, and why it is wrong? Why not, when telling the bedtime stories or reading aloud from the Christmas book, speak of the tale as fiction, something that we like to think and talk about, but which never really and truly happened? Your little auditor will recognize a familiar ring to the definition if you tell him that fiction is only pretending, making believe that it happened so. And it is easy to add that you would not wish him to think that it did happen when it did not. And when you are relating some thrilling incident in our national history, like the familiar Thanksgiving story of the baby who was hidden from the Indians by having a brass die kettle turned over him, state that this is fact, not pretending at all. When the foundation is prepared in this way, you are ready, perhaps a fortnight later, to help the child understand that while fiction is all right when we are playing and know that it is fiction, it makes a great deal of trouble if people are allowed to think that it is fact or truth. It makes so much trouble that people have given another name to it, a name that tells quickly what it is. They call it a lie. And they call people who tell fiction and try to make others believe that it is fact liars. It is a shameful thing to be a liar. When people have told many lies, others never know whether to believe them or not. Even if they tell facts after that, people think that they may be telling lies. It is a good thing to let the children take their turn at telling fiction stories and fact stories. Some of Baron Munchhausen's stories make striking instances in such storytelling bouts. And it is fun to devise tales of the same preposterous character about home happenings. It makes it all so much more vivid and frequently recalled. And then there is the tragic old incident of the boy who called wolf, so often for the fun of seeing the men run to drive the animal away when there was no wolf. That one day, when he uttered the old call, the men did not believe him and remained quietly eating their dinner while a wolf ate him. That was quite different from the fiction like Munchhausen's stories. It was fiction which pretended to be fact. And the boy came to be known as a liar, so that even his facts were not believed. Judging can readily see how untruthfulness undermines confidence. If mother should promise you some great pleasure, promise it without meaning you should have it, and later should say, oh, I was only fooling, do you think you would believe such a promise again soon? And if you kept making her promises and breaking them when you could have kept them, do you think she would have much faith in you? Promises are very important things. If you ever have to break a promise, you should make it a point to explain fully and back up your explanation with proof as soon as possible in order not to shake the child's faith in you, and to show him how you prize your reputation for truthfulness. Alas, there is such a thing as temptation in this world, and there is a subconscious feeling that a lie is a very present help in trouble. It is not strange that our young people occasionally sin in this respect, especially in households where hasty judgments and severe punishments are the rule. They must not be made to feel themselves quite beyond the pale if they do. Why not, before it becomes a personal matter confused by tears in all sorts of emotional strain, have it understood that the wisest thing to do, if a person has been so foolish and wrong as to tell a lie, is to correct it just as soon as possible by telling the truth. The longer a lie goes uncorrected, the more trouble it makes and the more courage it takes to correct it. If one has been told the easiest and wisest way is to say instantly what I have just told you is not so, I should not have said it, the truth is, and then give it. Was it not St. Francis to sales who counseled us? It is the wisest advice ever given to those who are tempted to lie, and who is not in youth. A tired little maiden of less than three was trudging along a rough country lane in the dusk, when her weary feet stumbled and she rolled into the edge of the marsh alongside. She was picked up, brushed off, and cautioned to hold fast to her mother's hand lest the accident be repeated. She was contrary and would not and the subject was dropped. But a minute later another member of the party said quietly, I think dear that you ought to keep tight hold of your mother's hand so that she may not fall into the marsh as you did. Instantly she became the guardian and never released her hold on her mother's hand until they were safely home, and she forgot all fatigue and petulance in the tender care she bestowed. What made the difference? The sense of responsibility, the very thing from which we short-sighted adults so often try to shield our young people. The children of the large households of America's early days had plenty of it, partly because the days were early and the conquering of the wilderness required the labor of many hands, partly because so many of the processes now commercialized were then of necessity, fireside industries, and partly because households were so large that the old baby always felt a certain measure of responsibility for the new baby, even before he was equal to other duties. Do not pity them, those children of long ago, our own forebears. They enjoyed life as much as we, and in a far saner fashion. Moreover, when they were grown in stature, they were grown in character also, and the sharing and bearing of responsibility did it. Contrast their lot with that of the average children of today, who, whether pampered or neglected, lack this experience until long past the years in which it would most easily strengthen and mould them. Only the poor are apt to have it, and they have it combined with acute anxieties as to food and shelter, which make it an unhappy instead of a happy experience. Small wonder that so many of our young people make bad and unhappy work of shifting for themselves when they first begin to do so. It is eternally true that we learn to do by doing, and it is better to begin as young as possible. It is often an unrecognised form of self-indulgence when we spare our children care and the occasional worry. Sometimes it is because we so enjoy cushioning life for them, sometimes because having delayed it too long we find them cross and without aptitude for it, and we dislike scenes, sometimes because we do not realise they are old enough to bear the steadying cares. And so we go on doing what we have no right to do, carrying burdens which they should bear, and irrationally enough, looking forward to the time when they shall with magically acquired expertness and inclination shift numerous small cares from our bending shoulders to their strong young ones, as though muscles could build up on inactivity, as though character could develop untried. Better to look the matter squarely in the face if we have so blundered and resolve to do so no longer, better to deny ourselves the pleasure of unduly pampering, better to endure a few domestic scenes if we are not able to change things without arousing the ire of our children, better to realise that they are no longer infants, but the chances are that if we think matters out carefully and change our methods gradually and wisely there will be no friction. We shall have to remember, however, that it is the result of our own long oversight and negligence if they make bad work of it at first. We shall have to choke back many a word of rebuke or unreasonable criticism for a while. In the last analysis it is our fault that they are not capable. If our children are small when we begin to place responsibility upon them we shall have to make concessions to their youth. If they wash and dry the dishes we shall have to put away on the upper shelves a few of the more precious pieces with which we are wont to grace the daily board. If they do the dusting some of our daintiest brick-a-brack must be retired for a while but what of it? We must quicken our sense of life's real values and remember that to develop a capable and willing child is much more important than the vanished grace of dining or drawing room. And such sacrifices are only for a time. It will be a proud sense of promotion to the little worker when the banished articles are restored to use with a smiling remark you have done such good work and are so careful that I believe we can use these things again. Of course when you were little and inexperienced it was safer not to have them about. Keep the standards of excellence high and expect the children to approach more and more closely to them. Make the necessary allowances at first but do not lower your standards. You are fitting a child to offer his ability to a world which is not given to excusing poor work. And trust him especially with work for others. If he is made responsible only for the care of his own possessions he may feel that it is merely a personal matter whether things are well attended to. At the same time there is a peculiar property about having him care for his own playthings and so far as possible for his own wardrobe. Too many mothers are tied down to the mending of their careless daughter's silk and hose. Too many are interrupted by requests to sew on buttons for their sons. There is no real reason why busy mothers should have their cares increased by their daughter's fragile luxuries or be asked to lay aside the work of the hour to sew on buttons. A boy who has a sewing kit in his room as he should have can sew on a button as quickly as he can carry it to his mother, wait for and return the garment to place. If our young men can mend their clothing in France our boys can mend theirs in America when necessary. At all events they should be taught how just as they should be taught at least a little free hand cookery as a part of their equipment for emergencies. And if it is desirable to train our children to a sense of responsibilities how much more imperative is it that they should be taught to feel responsible for their conduct? They are equal to this much earlier than we are apt to think for unfortunately parents of this day are apt to discount a child's age and ability to his own disadvantage. For one who expects too much there are many who expect too little and this is not strange when we consider how quickly they grow away from the age to which we have barely accustomed ourselves so we lay behind them in our methods. When our sons reach the period of most rapid growth we sometimes find ourselves gazing at their cravats when we expect it to look into their eyes so amazingly soon have they reached the higher level and the same sort of phenomenon occurs in the realm of mind and spirit. Give your son and your daughter chances to learn the facts upon which rules of conduct must be based. Help them unobtrusively to profit from the experience of others as recorded both in books and in the lives of those around them not especially your own unless you choose to exhibit yourself in the light of a bad example for we all become somewhat prejudiced against those who seem to hold themselves up as models and then say in matters where there is not too much at stake now what do you think you should do cultivate a semi-detached attitude of mind as they grow older you cannot live their lives for them you know and the best service you can render them is gradually to merge the role of ruler into that of counselor if we did not unconsciously assume that we should always be with them we should do this far more often than we do it is poor business to delay it until the upset years of adolescence when the rapidly developing sensation of maturity is apt to go to their youthful heads and result in their seizing the reins when they have had no experience in driving it is poor business to take chances on being ever at their elbows when decisions have to be made it is poor business to presume that we shall live always and it is a particularly blessed and gratifying experience to see our children early becoming able to walk alone and to walk straight it is a safe situation and nothing has been lost from the sweetness of the relation of parent and child rather it has been enhanced and crystallized in a form that is permanent and a chapter 21 chapter 22 of living with our children by Clara D. Pearson this LibriVox recording is in the public domain as present yet unseen it was a rash and inexperienced grandmother who addressed her three-year-old granddaughter as light of my soul for the little maiden after a few minutes of grave consideration said oh what is your soul grandmother i want to see it and the question is still unanswered the demand ungranted abstract qualities exemplified in the actions of human beings can be taught in many ways largely by illustration and example there are however questions with which we all have to deal which it is particularly difficult to answer satisfactorily who's god where is he how can he be somewhere else at the same time how can he do things all around us without our seeing him do them one perplexed mother strong in her own faith yet unable to reply satisfactorily was transfixed by the gaze of a reproachful seven-year-old who said well you ought to know you are grown up aren't you see how much is expected of us omniscience we have to fail them many times for it is both inexpedient and wrong to pretend to knowledge which we have not and yet it were a pity to disappoint them utterly there are things which we know absolutely to our own satisfaction things are belief in which is the very foundation on which our lives are reared and yet which we cannot possibly demonstrate to a child and it is when we find ourselves in such quandaries as those just quoted that there comes to us a great opportunity to develop a comprehension of what faith means the evidence of things unseen the substance of things hoped for those are questions that i cannot answer in exactly the same way that i usually do there are answers to them of course but there are some questions the whole answers of which we do not know yet we may know that certain things are true without knowing just how they happen why will the ball that you have in your hand fall to the floor if you let go of it why does it not go up to the ceiling why does it not fly off to one side you never thought of that before did you i will tell you it is because there is a great force a great strength that work in the world all the time it never tires and it never stops it is always pulling everything towards the center of the earth pulling down it makes no noise it is always just the same we can always depend on it it never pulls up and it never pulls sideways it never pulls in jerks it is steady and strong and it is working everywhere at the same time but nobody has ever seen it people have given it a name without seeing it would you like to know what it is called it is the force of gravity a man might say that he did not believe in the force of gravity because he had never seen it he would be a very silly man to say that people would think him quite crazy but his saying that would make no difference about the force of gravity keeping at work it would never stop for a minute just because one foolish man did not believe in it we cannot tell why all this is so but we know that it is when people know and yet cannot explain all about it we say that they have faith that it is so and again we can tell our children about a little girl from the tropics coming to the united states in the winter and pitying us because all of our trees were dead they must be dead she would say because they have no leaves on them they have many trees where i live and so i know all about trees they never lose their leaves unless they are dead and after a tree is once dead it never puts forth any more leaves we can understand how sure she might be of all this because in her country there is no cold weather and the trees are covered with leaves all the year round she might ask us to explain to her all about it but you could not do it could you she would say that she did not understand how it could be and you would have to tell her it is true it is one of the things that are but i cannot tell you just why and how the leaves drop off in the fall or just why and how they grow out again in the spring we cannot explain but we know that it is so and we have faith that our trees will be covered with leaves again in the spring as they are every year and so by reverent analogy we may impart to our children a dawning understanding of some of the eternal truths and of the part which faith must play in the life of all thoughtful people end of chapter 22 chapter 23 of living with our children by Clara D. Pearson the sleeper vox recording is in the public domain the reformatory influence of a frolic do you remember the immortal mrs. wigs of the cabbage patch who when she was just worn out with her endless cares and economy said i've got the craziest notion in my head i just give anything to see the show at the opera house this week we all have that feeling once in a while even though we are not combered with cares as she was it is the monotonous round the sameness if not the drabness of existence which falls upon us to some the experience comes more frequently than to others and the remedies indicated in different cases vary the opera house is not a panacea to some of us the remedy is a chance to plunge headlong into a books profound for others it is a day in the open air one estimable lady who had to live under the constant scrutiny of college girls and who was a model of neatness and order confessed that she found relief from the constant tension of irreproachability by locking her door on saturday afternoons for a revel of writing during which she dropped all answered letters and all first drafts of newspaper articles upon the floor by the time the half day ended she was restored to her usual poise and ready for another seven days of perfect system has it ever occurred to you to wonder if this same sort of malaise is felt by children probably not we think of it as the result of responsibility in the home or in the business world however it is quite possible that something of the sort may develop from the constant effort of a child to conform to the standards imposed by adults and the conventionalities of the world ready made before his advent the writer has a pathetic memory of a little lad visiting a family of adoring adults who were absolutely unused to children who began his fourth day by saying please don't anybody say don't to me today it is when the nerves of the two generations begin to grow tense that there comes a succession of days when friction is the rule instead of complacence when frowning looks replace smiles and when the most trivial incident may result in a serious conflict of wills and in trouble quite disproportioned to the cause that is the time when the enlightened mother will try to plan for a day off with her children it may at first seem impossible to achieve if it continues to seem so let her try for half a day if that is impossible let her do the best she can along that line it pays among the happiest memories of a certain family are those of occasional mid-summer days when father was out of town or amiably consented to dine at a restaurant and mother and the boys tramped off to a lake in the country for a day of unconventionality what joyful good nature became evident from the time the procession got underway how eager the children were to relieve her of all burdens how solicitous lest she become too tired how remarkably beautiful the landscape how funny the little jokes of the day how interesting the garter snakes or frogs that wiggled or sprawled across the country road how delicious the dinner especially a freshly caught fish formed the pièce de résistance and when the day was ended what a joyful camaraderie had replaced the irritability of the seemingly remote time before we went fishing it cannot always be a fishing trip of course tastes vary as do opportunities the great thing is to have the change as complete as possible the whole thing unconventional and the companionship perfect to let the children appear to be the leaders and make the decisions adds great zest to the occasion when the whole day off was out of the question these same people had a backyard picnic and cooked their dinner out of doors with the children as hosts some remarkable methods of serving were evolved for instance it was found desirable to provide each with a frying pan for cooking eggs and bacon was so essential a part of the fun that each desired to cook his own besides doing his share towards cooking for the parental guests naturally the participants did not all dine at once they ate seriatim one of the youthful cooks declared that he thought that somehow things taste more mellow when you cook them out of doors eating in a strange place or under strange conditions generally strikes a child as an extremely larky proceeding certainly it is a much more wholesome one than having the fun consist of the richness or the great quantity of the food boys sometimes enjoy a basement supper with a packing case table and a newspaper tablecloth and a steak broiled over the furnace fire but to paraphrase a saying of the well-known mrs. ruggles it ain't so much what your does as the way your does it the dean of a certain woman's college treasures among the choices recollections of her childhood those of the summer mornings when her busy mother awakened her early and they stole away to the wood lot of the farm with a carefully prepared breakfast to eat it there together and watch the sun rise on her birthday such days are remembered long after the ordinary ones are forgotten and how wonderfully that wise and tender mother invested those early hours which she stole from sleep and from the routine labor of the day for the happiness of her child make a child happy now and you will make him happy twenty years from now in the memory of it and happiness is a great thing it is one of the means of grace it contributes to the making of a normal childhood which is in turn the foundation of normal manhood and womanhood and happiness is not all that is acquired from such occasional frolics or outings they develop and strengthen that sense of companionship in community of interest between parents and children which is invaluable to the children then will be their safeguard during the trying years of adolescence their joy in adult years and their priceless legacy when the earthly presence of their parents is no longer about safe to them if parents and children are ever to meet informally and as equals on common ground it must be on the ground of the child's interests too often their interests and pleasures are as different as were the food receptacles of the fabled fox and stork and there can be no common participation it is really quite a revelation to some children to find it possible to have companionship with their parents to consider them otherwise than as caretakers mentors and breadwinners this is a tragic situation for both generations the happiness of the two may suffer equally but naturally the characters of the younger generation suffer more it is not easy when the turbulent years of adolescence come and how quickly they do come to establish a habit of companionship and confidence with our children that must be done earlier even if it is done it may weaken for a time but it is there to return to the ultimate return is sure even if delayed and perhaps we of the older generation have unconsciously gained something more than happiness from our undignified little excursions into the child's world a certain well-known bishop was want to tell how when saying goodbye to his little son as he started on a lecture tour he remarked now don't you forget whose boy you are and receive the instant reply and don't you forget whose papa you are benefits are reciprocal a frolic eases for all of us that tension from which Americans are said to suffer the most the benefits of the day persist long after the sun has set and they are many and varied and how much pleasanter to use a fishing rod as a corrective agent then to use the kind alluded to in the scriptures and applied in the traditional manner and of chapter 23 chapter 24 of living with our children by Clara D. Pearson this recording is in the public domain constructive criticism on a bit of hotel advertising there lately appeared this request if you do not like our service please tell us why if you do like it tell other people that was good business since the grouchy man who is invited to give vent to his grouchiness frequently finds that it evaporates at all events the manager who issued the invitation thus volunteered to act as a shock absorber for the bad temper or a justifiable indignation of a patron and doubtless became very tired of his self-appointed task either that or if many complained to him he learned in simple self-protection to give only a superficial sympathy what was the real purpose of the request would not the malcontent of complained in any case of course he would and all the more insistently if he felt complaints were undesired the real purpose must have been a tactful driving home of the truth that the privilege of criticizing adversely implies an obligation to speak appreciatively when that is possible too many of us forget that obligation too many of us when you get right down to the last analysis criticize far more to ease our own discontent than to help the other person the criticize so to speak overcome the fault or mistake upon which we so glibly comment that is all wrong criticism like matrimony should not be entered into lightly nor without due consideration consider how much more apt we are to notice shortcomings when we ourselves are ill or overtired under those circumstances it is unwise to offer suggestions as to the mistakes of others far better to think over the occasion which annoys us and then if when we are well and rested criticism still seems desirable we can go about it more judiciously it is not a bad idea to formulate a few principles in regard to this over stressed duty a certain dear but rather positive old gentleman used laughingly to say in regard to his assertions I always think myself right and I generally am after his death his daughter and alluding to the straight said father was right it seems to me that he was practically infallible and there was a reason for it while the rest of us were putting into words our own moods and impulses and advancing unweight opinions father was sitting genially silent and non-committal considering the matter from every angle so that when he did speak his words carried weight if he did not convince us at the time the course of later events was sure to vindicate him so with our criticisms of others and especially of our children perhaps we can work out certain principles first try always to make sure that criticism is necessary the overnight's parent is soon listened to with indifference there is no sense in offering advice in regard to a situation badly dealt with but which can never arise again far better pass it over in silence than to make the little blunderer uncomfortable and place him instantly on the defensive children come to perceive their own mistakes and naughtiness far offener than we are apt to realize second if criticism is necessary it is not always imperative that it be given at once there is much in choosing the right time for this always if possible when it can be made in private auditors become either outspoken or silent partisans and too frequently the outcome is a distressing family discussion and a child who says everybody is picking on me and is thoroughly antagonized third try to express appreciation of some pleasant phase of the matter under discussion before your adverse opinion is voiced for this disarms resentment for instance Ned I think you work very faithfully at clearing away the dead leaves and I know that it is a tedious task when there are so many to be handled I believe that if you would pack them a trifle more firmly into the basket when carrying them to the bonfire it would be better because then they could not blow back over the ground which has been cleared you just remember to try it tonight after school and then praise Ned when he does remember fourth always assume that the person criticized wants to do right and that you and he are really agreed not opposed in the matter fifth never offer a criticism unless it is constructive that is to say do not find fault with an action unless you can suggest an improvement on it you will remember that Holmes said in effect that this world is peopled by two classes those who go ahead and do something and those who sit back and ask why it was not done in some other way and our beloved Roosevelt declared that the only man who made no mistakes was the man who did nothing after all most of our criticisms should be directed at ourselves silent but effective and we can best help our children by teaching them to discover and rectify their own faults and mistakes any other method is at best only a temporary expedient to be abandoned as soon as is safely possible we parents should seldom think of ourselves as mentors but always as friends companions chums not so much proclaiming the child's faults to him as providing an environment of high ideals right living and affection in which he can best work out for himself normal standards of action end of chapter 24 chapter 25 of living with our children by Clara D. Pearson this LibriVox recording is in the public domain the mind is its own place somebody has said that people can be divided into three great classes those who think well those who think badly and those who do not think at all presumably we think presumably also we think well and the main question for us to consider is whether having experienced the clean and enduring happiness of being able to think things out logically and dispassionately and of intellectual diversion in a life of outward monotony we are doing our best to pass on this great boon the life of many American young people outside the home does not afford much chance or inspiration for thoughtfulness on their part although heaven knows that it shows great need of it if it is not supplemented in the home our children are apt eventually to swell the ranks of those who do not think at all if indeed they do not fall in step with those who think badly perhaps there may come a wholesome reaction from the established American tendency to overstimulate and to dwell unduly on the material pleasures if so who are to bring in the dawning of that new day who but the parents of today training the children of today who in turn will be the parents of tomorrow and if this thought with its widespread significance does not appeal to us perhaps the welfare and happiness of our own little lads and lasses will do so it is such a wonderful and blessed thing to have a mind which of itself doth make this world a heaven or hell that it is well worth while training its ability to make a heaven instead of a hell it is said by a male essayist of course that women lack pauses for fructifying thought and a woman who has lacked pauses for anything can hardly take issue with the essayist she simply admits it at the same time honesty compels her to admit quite confidently of course that many of us needlessly form the habit of ceaseless occupation and have no pauses for thought because we take no thought as to the pauses a vicious cycle has been formed from which we do not break away and we are in danger of losing our sense of life's real values it is serious enough when our own lives are impoverished thus it is infinitely more serious when through our own blindness indifference or recklessness we allow our children to grow up in ignorance of the mind's supremacy this does not necessarily mean the early and steadfast setting apart of money for a child's college education however desirable a thing that may be for some children a college education may be only a disastrous interruption of the successful onward sweep of the life to which they were foreordained by special fitness or it may keep single too long those who would be happier and better in modest homes of their own it may be merely a failure precluding for a time at least what might have been a success no it does not do to relegate this endeavor to the future to be carried out by others or not at all the present is ours the future may not be and of the two the present is the more valuable for it is the more plastic period of a child's life let us help him to original thought as well as to pleasure in the thought of others let us not give all our quiet hour in the early candlelight to reading aloud but take part of it for thinking about interesting and beautiful things suppose we pretend that we are going on a journey to aunt mary's house and that it is summer we have enjoyed all the spring flowers in our garden and have watched the birds building their nests in our trees and now the weather has grown so hot that we are going up to spend the summer with her in the country next may come the imaginary preparations for the journey suggested by first one and then another the packing of the toys the saying goodbye to friends the closing of the house and the drive to the station the excitement of boarding the train and settling in our places then we pretend that we are looking out the windows on opposite sides of the train and we tell what we see now we are almost there everybody look after his own luggage and remember everything for which he is responsible there is at mary herself down to meet us we arrive at the farm and by this time we are really quite excited for there are other people to greet and there are all the horses and cows that we saw last year and a dog with a waging tail and a sleepy cat curled up on the railing of the porch somebody thinks that there may be new kittens in the hay loft and we climb the steep stairs to see perhaps the youngest child is supposed to be ahead of the rest and he calls out I see free little kitten all around the sleep another child says I see a white one another I see a yellow one and a fourth I see a black one and so it goes with father or mother offering a suggestion now and then to make the picture more complete isn't it fun try it and see imaginations improve by practice and each such trip is likely to be better than the preceding one and all the time the weather outside may be a howling blizzard and the furnace may be sulking so that the travelers are obliged to close to the register for warmth truly the mind is its own place it is never expedient to point the moral to a child yet it is very easy when little people are accustomed to such diversions as this to help them prove to their own satisfaction that it is pleasant to ignore the blizzards of life the ills which we cannot remedy and to think of those things which are pure and lovely and of good report it is easy as they grow older to lead them to feel a responsibility for their thoughts of course there are many hard and sad things which we have to think about at times many difficult problems which we have to solve but when it is not our duty to be thinking about them and there is nothing which we can be doing to improve them why then it is much wiser and happier for us to turn our thoughts away to something sweet and cheerful there are different ways of driving this truth home bad temper despondency jealousy all these evil thoughts are like imps that should be driven into a dungeon and the door quickly shut and barred on them as soon as this is done we must ask good and lovely spirits to dwell with us in the place of those whom we have cast out does this strike you as pagan in its tendency do you think it would be wiser to make this a matter of simple religion ah but this illustration does not conflict with the highest ideals of christianity it is but an illustration adapted to the mind of the child as were the scripture parables adapted to the comprehension of the simple gallilean country folk to whom they were spoken by the wisest and greatest teacher of all the ages and a chapter 25 chapter 26 of living with our children by claire d pierce the sleeper box recording is in the public domain courtesy it sometimes seems somewhat unfortunate that the person's most responsible for the manners of youths should be the very ones whom they most often see hurried worried and extremely tired their mothers and when we remember the old saying that example is stronger than precept the wonder grows in spite of which we persevere with our solicitous injunctions and do our best to instill courtesy by both example and precept at first it is comparatively simple shake hands with the lady dear the other hand and say how do you do and the docile little chap offers his tender hand and murmurs something which passes for the correct salutation then it is do not pass in front of people and always say excuse me when you wish to leave the table as our children grow older there are more and more details of etiquette to be explained to them such a mass of apparently arbitrary custom as we ourselves seldom realize because we mastered what we know so long ago that it has become an unconscious accomplishment we almost wonder that children can do some of the things which are done by those born into our homes we forget that every little child starts in primitive and has to pass through in his one life all the development that has brought mankind from the level of the cave dweller to his present condition of more or less sweetness and light he has environment and the achievements of his ancestors to help him upward but he himself has to pass through all the stages is it any wonder that he sometimes acts like a barbarian is it any wonder that are affectionate and misguided efforts often result in a distressing self-consciousness and sometimes in open rebellion there is a good deal in the way a thing is done you know there is a good deal in selecting the right keys to strike if one wants harmonious results and a certain tendency to strengthen one's influence by alluding to the impressions made upon others is sure to produce self-consciousness if it produces anything you know what is meant don't speak to mrs. blank in that way willy she will think you a very rude little boy show mr. smith how nicely you can shake hands or nice children do not pass through doorways ahead of older people of course a child becomes self-conscious when he hears that sort of thing every day and self-consciousness shows itself in various ways sometimes it makes a child rebel flatly against all the little acts of courtesy because he feels he cannot stand a scrutiny to which they subject him sometimes it makes him painfully shy so that he will stand twisting the toe of his shoe around in your best rug when you are especially eager to have an easily cordial to a caller sometimes it makes him into an obnoxious little pig which is perhaps the worst alternative of all it may not be the quickest way but it certainly is the best way to develop fine spontaneous courtesy by speaking of the motive behind all these small social customs before insisting upon the customs themselves the motive you know is consideration for others always leave the child to think of others rather than himself that is not difficult if you were to call it mrs. blanks willy and she were to speak crossly to you it would spoil your call and make you unhappy when she comes to our house we want to make her feel happy and welcome so we smile when we greet her we are cordial in our manner and sometimes we show her some little courtesy that makes her more comfortable if the sun comes out suddenly and shines in her eyes we lower the shade a bit rather than make her change her seat i always am pleased when my friends children shake hands with me i would give that pleasure to mr. smith and father's other friends if i were you we honor older people by letting them pass out ahead of us when you are an old man younger people will stand back for you it is one of the ways of playing fair when older people were small they stood back and now it is their turn to go first also if the child says he hates to do these things because it makes people look at him it is easy and truthful to say that they are sure to look at him and think about him if he does not do the right thing whereas if he does it they merely have a comfortable feeling that all is right and pleasant because he is doing what is customary it is the unusual thing which we think most about if a carpenter should place a door knob an inch higher or lower than is the rule the custom we would think about that door knob every time we have to use it we never stop to think about knobs that we find in the usual place we grasp and turn them and go on satisfied and comfortable and then there are the small courtesies of the telephone for the present day child to master see the reason for all these customs dear when a stranger comes to the house on business he introduces himself first either by handing out a card which bears his name or by speaking after that he tells his errand if a friend comes our eyes tell us who it is over the telephone our hearing alone does not always tell us who is talking for that reason we should always give our names when we answer the telephone or call a person we say this is mrs brown talking or this is mary smith speaking that makes it easier and pleasanter for the other person and then there is the magic of speaking voice it is a wonderful thing to have a beautiful singing voice one with which a single person on the stage of an opera house can give pleasure to several thousand people in the seats there are not many such voices but there are many many which can give great pleasure by speaking courteously and there are countless opportunities for doing that every day although the chances of singing to people come but seldom we do not sufficiently prize a good speaking voice nor do we give enough thought to using our own voices wisely why not play at telephoning with your children once in a while using a cord stretched from room to room before they are old enough to use the instrument itself act in the dual capacity of central and the person called or calling and vary your own voice for the different conversations letting him guess whether you meant it to sound pleased hurried or cross let him also guess how you must be looking while speaking you can guess how he is looking he may try to fool you by looking pleasant and speaking irritably if so it will give you all the better chance to make your point don't you see that unless you are careful to make your voice sound good-natured and say the polite things people will think you cross and get quite the wrong idea when we talk over the telephone all that people can judge us by is our voices so we need to be very careful about them else we make others uncomfortable there are proverbs old saws and many short verses which help to deepen desirable impressions and there are illustrations to be made also hearts like doors open with ease to very very tiny keys and don't forget that two of these are I thank you and if you please polite list lubricates life show your child how much more easily his cart runs when the wheels are oiled the days work in either school or home goes more smoothly when the oil of politeness is used and do not oh do not forget to teach him how a kind apology helps to undo the mischief wrought by either carelessness or intent we mothers often need to apologize because in our haste or in our nervousness we often hurt others we must never let our false pride or a mistaken sense of expediency stay our tongues when we should say forgive me I am sorry those of us who have lived long have had many opportunities to observe that when real consideration of others is present the lack of training in etiquette is not so serious for the quiet bearing the lack of self assertion the thinking of others more highly than of ourselves the doing unto others as we would that they should do unto us these things are the fruit of the spirit quite as often as of social training the great thing is to grasp the idea of gentleness and consideration first and then as opportunity offers to let the technique of social observance be added unto them it is here as everywhere else the finer the motive the better the result even though the result be something small in itself and the chapter 26 chapter 27 of living with our children by Claire D. Pearson the sleeper box recording is in the public domain a liberal attitude towards slaying there is no use in trying to ignore the problem of slaying it is ever with us we may be deeply opposed to it determined not to admit it to our vocabularies even more determined to root it out from those of our children and then find ourselves situated somewhat as was the estimable woman who after impressively reprimanding her college girl daughter for using it remarked firmly it is quite unworthy of you you must cut it out it is so insidious so universal so intensely impressive when used with a proper sense of values moreover the word which was the slangiest of slang in our youthful days may suddenly confront us from the pages of our latest edition dictionary now recognized as a word in good and regular standing to have condemned the use of that particular word by our descendants leaves us in an embarrassing position we have a momentary impulse to sequester or to mutilate the book children especially adolescents have such annoyingly good memories of our former rulings and with adolescents the problem of slang is most acute for they are at the age when conventional modes of speech do not satisfy lounsbury says slang is an effort on the part of the users of language to say something more vividly strongly concisely then the language existing permits it to be said it is the source from which the decaying energies of speech are constantly refreshed and we have been tempted to deny refreshment to the energies of speech it seems the better way to adopt a liberal attitude towards slang there are three undeniable objections to it not all applicable to a single expression as a rule let us base our objections on these three facts first some slang is known to be of disreputable or even obscene origin to such we must object second expletive or other slang which expresses ill temper is always in bad taste as ill temper itself is in bad taste that should be banned third all slang if used in excess tends to limit or impair the normal vocabulary and to that extent is a mischief maker this last point is not so easily comprehended by a child but it is quickly demonstrated the trouble is that when a fellow has the habit of using too much slang he makes one slang word take the place of many better words which could really tell what he means much more perfectly than that single slang word can he speaks of a dandy girl at dandy dinner and a dandy sunset when what he really means is a pleasant girl a delicious dinner and a gorgeous sunset and if he goes on doing this week after week he soon has only one poor little adjective to do the work of three fine ones that means that he is growing up with a poor vocabulary a poor stock of words to use it is a great thing to have a fine vocabulary much more desirable than to have a fine wardrobe and much more lasting the articles in a wardrobe were out you know but the words in a vocabulary do not it is very easy also to stimulate the interest of a child in the right sort of words to tell him what Robert Louis Stevenson said about the desirability of making your words fit closely about your meaning if he has read treasure island help him notice how Stevenson made his words fit closely about his meaning so that when you read the book you really seem to see long john silver and to hear the stumping of his wooden leg it is easy in a twilight visit to make a child realize how difficult it would be to communicate our own ideas desires and needs to others if it were not for words what a loss it would be to the world if some fine useful word should be forgotten by everybody suppose the word fire were lost how could we manage without it what mistakes and accidents would happen what trouble would come from the lack of just that one little word before we were born the people who were in the world had a language ready for us all we have to do is to learn to use it correctly and to take care of it so that we may keep it right for our children to use fortunately it is not necessary to be a classical student in order to make the English language a fascinating subject of thought there are countless ways of doing so if there is a baby in the household the older children are sure to be devoted to him and it is interesting to watch the growth of his vocabulary to see how sure he is to learn first those words of which he has the greatest need in his circumscribed life how after he has a few nouns mastered he adds a few verbs and how the adjectives and adverbs have to wait until later even a child can understand that the adjectives and adverbs whether you call them that or not are the words that ornament our sentences they are the words that stevenson used to help us know exactly how long john silver looked and the way in which he did things if stevenson had not written long john silver we might have thought of him as a very short man you know an occasional compliment bestowed on a child for an especially good description is helpful too thank you herbert for telling me so nicely about the little lake which you saw today you made me feel almost as though i had seen it the point where the boat was beached must be beautiful with its old birches leaning over the water its clumps of red barked dogwood and the old cedars where the squirrels frisk around it is a great thing to be able to give pleasure in that way by noticing what one sees and then having the right words ready in which to tell other people about it does this seem to have very little bearing on the problem of slang it has a great deal and it is thoroughly practical slang cannot cope successfully with good english where a careful description of vivid word picture is desired and to arouse an interest in such legitimate and effective expression early in life is a most efficient way of forestalling the craze or slang which is sure to assert itself in the early teens it is a method akin to that of the prairie pioneers who when they saw the sky to windward reddened by a grass fire got out their plows and surrounded their precious buildings by protective furrows made as wide as time would permit and then resorted to backfiring to enlarge their safety zone it did not extinguish the prairie fire that was impossible but it ensured its sweeping past and burning itself out without destroying their most valuable possessions end of chapter 27