 was millions of people are doing all over the country. Ask for Schlitz, the beer that made Milwaukee famous. Schlitz tastes so good to so many people that it's the largest selling beer in America. It has to be fine to be first. The diagnosis was quick, if ambiguous. The prescription was illegible, but impressive. And with a customary admonition to stay in bed and take it easy. No, I realize I saw you only seven minutes ago, but it's customary to ask a patient how she feels immediately after being seen by the doctor. Alarmed or reassured? Well, I don't feel either alarmed or reassured. I just feel curious. What was all that conversation at the door? Well. Well, come on, I can take it. I'm a brave girl. Well, this will be no test of your courage. She told me he was off his golf game. Don't ask. My dear girl, don't do it. Don't dismiss a serious matter so casually. Don't realize what it must mean for a surgeon to develop a bad slice. It seems that you are the most beautiful patient he has seen this week. And he deeply regrets the fact that further house calls will be unnecessary. He spoke of these things, Vicky, with a gleam in his eyes, which I interpreted as a hope for the relapse and the further need for his services at $10 a visit, and which I am sure he would be glad to waive for the sheer credit of... All right, all right, all right. But I'm really not in a dangerous condition. No, except for Virosex. Virosex. Vex, unknown quantity. I don't like that. I feel better about it if I had something they know more about. Virosex. Just sounds like an excuse to dodge a housework. Oh, it's real enough, Vicky. But Virosex is an ugly word. The French and Italians were much more imaginative and descriptive. La grip suggested that something was gripping the victim's throat. While in fluens, which means flowing in, it had a vivid and vaporous feeling about it. You know, I've always believed that medical scientists would do better to collaborate with the poets. It takes John Milton's Demoniac frenzy, moping melancholy and moon-struck madness, pining atrophy, marasmas, and wide-wasting pestilence. No, I'll take marasmas. What is it? There is a melodious sounding melody, meaning the wasting of health and strength. What's in that little bottle, Dr. Hempster's left? A cloro myceteen, one of the wonder-drunks. Well, I'm a hot-pody type myself. If you'll excuse the expression, it's very apt, you know. Ampt. The melatin aptus, meaning having a great habitual tendency. Yeah, that's me. That's I. You were all right, then. It's us. Or is it we? No, no, go on. Where was I? Well, you were apt. Also, you were talking about chloroform. Let's cloro myceteen. Now, here's a glass. There we are. Take two now. No. Courage. It certainly didn't taste like nine dollars and a half. What does? Good pie mignon, rest of guinea hen, and a glass of... Oh, what about dinner, Toddy? Dinner? Well, I think you should be on what is known as a bland diet. Bland? Peace. But a medical term, meaning innocuous, unpalatable, slaveless. And in such semi-fluid form as to be carried upstairs with the utmost difficulty and spilled on the bedjacket with ridiculous ease. I meant yours, darling. I would have to get to get one covered on her vacation. Darling, I know how complicated it is with strangers in the house. Who will they call someone in for a couple of days? Oh, that won't be necessary. What is there to do? Well, that is, I mean, for a couple of days, of course. Merely a matter of preparing a few light meals and dusting off a few things. No, but you won't have time to do your dusting if you've got to run your university. Well, yes, I will. If I get started, and you get upstairs to bed. Well, don't think I'm quibbling. But didn't Dr. Hems to say I should remain stationary after taking these pills? Or if I should go upstairs now, it could counteract the whole effect. Why do you think you could risk that short a journey? So why don't I just lie down here on the sofa? I'm quite comfortable. And I'd feel much happier if I can occasionally see you passing to and fro with your mop and apron. Very well, ma'am. I'll be back in a moment with cleaning flour in my prettiest house dress. Dust I am, and to dust I shall return. Send over a pound of butter, will you? Some bouillon cubes, and then I think a dozen cans of orange juice. Half a dozen cans of grapefruit juice. Three cans of pineapple juice. That is. Excuse me a minute. What's that, Vicky? How can I string beans are today? Oh, yes. Mrs. Hall wants to know how are your string beans today? I see. I think that'll be all if you could deliver it before five. Thanks. Goodbye. How are the string beans? They're all string and no beans. And he said it was very kind of Mrs. Hall to us. I can check the groceries off my list. I dick it. Four o'clock already. Where did the afternoon go to? That's lovely. Is every fast wife's theme song. Work, work, work since the crack of dawn. Where, oh, where has my afternoon gone? If I were to continue in domestic work, I think I should organize a strong union. And as president of local 247, I'd strike for longer chords on the vacuum cleaner and shorter rugs to roll up. And then to catch up on your laundry, you could iron while the strike was hot. I won't have my new union infiltrated by the fancy. Hello, is Dr. Hall speaking? Oh, hello, Mr. Wellman. Yes, but, yes, but we, but no, but well, we could discuss this at the next board of governors meeting. But yes, I understand why you feel that way. But yes, goodbye, Mr. Wellman. Dear Mr. Wellman, his favorite form of exercise is running to you with complete. Leave it to Wellman, worrying about next year's budget already. He says he sees invisible handwriting on the wall and he wants us to pull in our belts. Thereby corrupting a hallowed biblical reverence and abusing a tired old cliche. And I knew his birthday, I'd present him with a mixing machine for metaphors. Maybe he has another attack of economatis. Yes, he wants to chop up the whole maintenance department, slice off a few cooks from the commissary and uproot a couple of under gardeners. Mr. Wellman has a recurring budget complex or to draw it a bit finer, a nickel neurosis. Commissary neurosis. You know, Toddy, I'm always a bit lost at parties when people begin this psychology business. What is a neurosis exactly? In psychology, my darling, there is no such thing as exactly. The study of human mental functions is hedged about by maybe, probably, possibly, and we believe. I know, but what do you think of your definition of a neurosis would be good enough for me? Well, roughly, I would say that it's a mental aberration in some specific direction. Now, a compulsion neurosis, for instance, that's the quirk that makes you avoid stepping on the cracks in the sidewalk or makes you touch every third picky to the picky fence. Yeah, I'll throw a pinch of salt over your shoulder if you feel something. Exactly. I believe that many of our day-to-day attempts to avoid fancy disaster are compulsion neuroses. The real basis of many of your decisions, like walking around a ladder when going beneath it would be quicker, easier, and just as safe. Oh, I'm glad I'm not a victim of these primitive fantasies. Not wood. Not wood. That learn takes care of the neurosis in as muddy sort of a way. Now, what's an inhibition? My darling, I'm a man who tries never to be without an ounce and no matter how wrong it might be. So I would say that an inhibition is the break-lining on an impulse. When the lining was in your known as good ol' Cornelius, the life of the party. Then when it gets out completely, you'll get your face slapped, get shot, or go to jail. And now, having set abnormal psychology back some hundred years, I'll go to the dishes. Yeah, well, I'd do much better if you'd sit down for a minute, take off your apron, put up your feet, and relax. You haven't stopped since Dr. Hems had left. Oh, my dear, I didn't stop now. I've got up my momentum, and I don't want to lose it. Well, what would the Board of Governors say if the President of I.D. turned up at the next meeting with Housemates need? Well, I can't help it, Vicky. I have some work to do in the kitchen. Now, where do you keep your large bow? Are you looking for a flower bow? How did you guess? You're going to cut some roses, and you'll need a flower bow. Oh, you didn't guess. Well, never mind. I'll find it myself. Flower bow? Oh, that kind of flower bow. Oh, brother. It's the raw cabinet party. You'll find it in the upper left hand. And why don't you save the game? Well, I hate to ask you to stop what you're doing. I've already dropped what I was doing. I know. There's somebody at the door. Yes, I know, dear. I heard. I'll go. Yeah, well, you better take off your apron first, Bertha. Why? I'll tell whoever it is that I'm not at home. Oh, Mr. Meriwether. The face is familiar, but I don't recognize the costume. Hope I'm not bursting in on rehearsal of Charlie, then. You know, I'm the new upstairs maid. Well, come in, John. Come in. I won't say it out. I just wanted to drop these flowers off, and this is all I'm feeling. Oh, much better. But, uh, how did you know she was ill? Dr. Hamstead was talking about his golf game falling off. He told me that, too. He told me that he told you. That, of course, led me to ask when and where. And he said, here, at your house. And I said, a professional visit, Dr. Hamstead. And he said, yes. And I said, who's sick? Very accurate summary of a very dull conversation. But I hope it's nothing serious. Or it seems to be a side case of virus X. Whatever that means. At any rate, Victoria will have to take it easy for a couple of days. Charlie, do I tell Mr. Meriwether? You don't, Mrs. Hall. And my apologies if I've disturbed you. Do you mind a visitor? Not if you don't mind virus X. Not only don't mind it, I don't even believe in it. Besides, I've already had it three times. How do you feel? Well, slightly remote. Though I was looking at myself through the wrong end of a telescope. Well, I brought you a bouquet of roses. Oh, thank you. They're lovely. Give them to me, John. I'll put them in something. Where will I find something, Victoria? In the pan through the top shelf and left hand side, flower bars. Thank you. Excuse me for a few minutes, will you? I've got to finish something I started in the kitchen, if you don't mind entertaining my wife. Mind? Are you crazy, dark-haired goddess? Top shelf, left hand side, pantry. No, poor William. He's had his hands full today. Ah, a rare specimen. A domesticated university friend. Not too domesticated. Well, he's only temporary. I'm letting him go the minute I get up. But he does get an A breath. But, you know, he's out there cooking something for me. It's supposed to be a surprise. But I think that... Oh, stop, Father William. I've got it. Hello? Oh, yes. But just a moment, please. I'm sorry, William. It's long distance, Professor Leslie. You better take it. Professor Leslie? Thank you, Richie. That's my chess game. Yes, this is Dr. Hall speaking. Hello, Professor. Glad to hear from you. So you finally figured a way to get out of my trap, eh? Well, let's have it. Now, here's my next move. Night to the Queen's Bishop's Seconds and check. Oh, oh, oh. Now, now, I'm sorry, but you have to excuse me, Professor. This is Night's Cookout. I mean Cook's Night Out. I mean, I'm Vicky at Cake. You know, in the oven. Yes, I know. Sounds confusing and so am I. Well, call me any time. Goodbye. A cake. Vicky, in the excitement of the moment, I gave away my secrets. I was going to surprise you with a cake. Well, I'm sure it'll still be a surprise. It's very sweet of you, darling. Is the rest of dinner going to be a surprise too? Dinner? Oh, yes. Well, as a matter of fact, I hadn't reached that item in my schedule yet. Well, say, what about me helping you out? Oh, that won't be necessary, John. Thank you anyway. Well, I guess I'll have to give you a broad hint. I'd like an invitation for dinner. On one condition, that is, that I help cook. You see, I'm a specialist with a spatula. Until I first made shortening bread, Ma'am, his little baby hated the stuff. Well, what about me, didn't he? Oh, she'll be delighted. She's on another diet. She gets embarrassed when she has to watch me dig into a side of beef while she nibbles at her watercress. Let her work on her girlish figure. You and I will lay out a middle-aged spring. Mr. Mary, whether you're hired, come on. In the immortal words of Boa Lytton, we may live without poetry, music, and art. We may live without conscience and live without heart. We may live without friends. We may live without books. But civilized men cannot live without cooks. Have you found a good recipe for soup, John? Well, you don't need a recipe, John. You taste simple. You ordered Booyang cubes today. All you do is boil the water. No, you don't want Booyang. Oh, no. No, here it is. Vichy schwa. Ah. That's what you need, Mrs. Hall. Here's it. Let's see now. Chop six leeks and three onions very fine. Well, I don't think there are more than two leeks in the icebox. In the ice cube crane. I know we're going to have a little cake together. Well, it won't work anyhow. We'd have to use gizintas. Gizintas? Well, this recipe serves 12, and that means we'd have to divide everything by four. Four gizintas, three onions. How many? What if it's a matter of arithmetic? Just cube your Booyang. Oh, cool. Now, mind if I look at that book for a moment? You look really, I like scrambled eggs. Why, you haven't given us a chance yet, Mrs. Hall. We'll come up with something. Of course we will. Now, let's get started here. Oh, here's one. That's here's one that looks interesting. Uh, first remove the bones from any leftover pheasant. We can't have a pheasant in this house, honey. No leftover pheasant? Or shay? Wait, wait, wait. Hold on, Mr. Meriwether. There are complications. Now, he tells me. According to the note here on page 113, quote, should your pheasant be brought to you with his feathers till last, and you are having a difficult time removing them, this dish may be prepared by simply removing feathers and skin together. Once you'll be so clinical that lots of gentlemen would you settle for a Cromwell special? It's a secret recipe, but I'm willing to reveal it in this price. Oh, you mean that delicious casserole you make, Vicky? That's much too complicated. No, no. The reason I keep it is secret is because it's so simple. One can of tuna, one can of mushroom soup, and half a packet of noodles. You boil the noodles, then you take the tuna and the soup, all right? Tomato soup, another tomato. Tomato, cream of potato. No, no, no, that's celery. Vegetable soup. Ah, I found it. Cream of mushroom. You know, toss it over and I'll open it. And by the way, John, did Mr. Wellman talk to you about Nick? Yes, I did. Yes, he did. And does. In front of Nick, he says, ah, there's the soup. And I have an unaccustomed and uncomfortable feeling that Clarence might be right this time. So where does Mrs. Hall keep her pot? Well, I think they're in that cupboard down there. Oh, thank you. After all, with the operating process going up, we've got to put the brakes on some ways. No pot, please. Well, let's just try these in the shelf, huh? And then, John, why don't you start reducing personnel? It poses the problem of who is expendable. And that brings up another serious question, who's sure, who's to judge who's expendable. Let's add countless pots. Oh, I don't think that's quite big enough. Well, I'll look again. Of course, Wellman's expendable, but that's no help. He doesn't cost anything. Ah, not any credit here. Let's see, here it is. You know, so far, Mr. Wellman has only suggested reductions in maintenance. I'm surprised he didn't start with some of the younger members of the faculty. And hand me the salt, will you? All of that pepper. No, no, he knows better than to try that. That's one thing we won't do, is sure. Not in the soup, will you, Mr. Wellman? No, none of us wants to touch the faculty. That's why we have to look around and see where we can say. Um, do you save much money by hiring a couple of under gardeners? And of course, oh no, no, wait a minute, Doc. Much is a loose word, especially when it's connected with money. It could mean a dime or $10,000, depending on whether you have it, need it, or can't get it. Of course, with Clarence, any money is much. He thinks no more of a penny than I think of my jugular vein. Did I tell you what happened at his house the other night? No, no, but more of a curiosity. Impels me to ask why. Well, his television set went awy. Instead of putting out a couple of bucks to call in an expert repairman, he tried to adjust himself. There was a sort of a blue flash, a smell of burning Clarence, and he landed across the room with his head in the fireplace. However, there was no fire. It still, God, demonstrates the possibility of getting scorched by a false economy. Well, personally, I think the television set was merely in revolt at presenting a dramatic skit I'd seen three times before. Three times? Well, television has done one thing at least. It has proved beyond doubt that there is more than one way to can a skit. Well, now tell me, how on earth is one flake a tuner? It smells awfully good from out here. Well, it should. It's our second try. Yes, the first time we mistook the red pepper for the nutmeg. I'm sorry, darling, it's always 8 o'clock, and you've been a very patient patient. Well, I just had another feel. I've been feeling, you know. I don't mind telling you that the rumor that the cook always loses his appetite is a lot, although I will concede that perhaps I'll only have a curse. Now, speaking for the second half, I think I'm ready for the second helping. And but on second thought, perhaps I better wait until I've tried the first. You did a beautiful job setting the tables. Hello? Hello, Mrs. Maryweather. Yes, you did. Uh-oh, forgot to call it. Thank you, thank you. But hello, Bunny. I'm sorry I didn't call, but Dr. Hall and I are cooking the dinner. Reason to get ugly. Yes, yes, I will. Yes, yes. Oh, I sweetie, bye. Ah, wonderful girl, Mrs. Maryweather. Or was, wonderful woman now. She made me promise that I'd taste everything before you eat it. That is high time we all tasted something, but you know, I think we need more light. I know I'll move the piano lamp closer to the table, but I can start bringing in the soup. You'll find the crack is in the oven, go on, Mr. Maryweather. Now, if this cord is long enough, it'll just breathe. No, it won't. Something electrical, darling. A shot, I think. I've been planning to fix that plug for weeks. Hey, hey, the light. The line at Island Enbridge is where were you when the light went out. I was in the kitchen. I've got the soup. Where's the table? Well, my eyes suggest that you gently deposit the soup in some safe place for the moment. I'll have to put in a new fuse. But where are the fuses, Vicky? I don't know, darling, but we could eat by candlelight, and the candles are in the middle drawer of the pantry. Then all we have to do is find the pantry. You take the high road, Doc. I'll take the low road, and I'll be in the pantry some day. Now, where's the phone? Hey, Vincent, what's the light beside me all day? Well, you gave it to me, Mrs. Hall, when I talked to my wife. What did I do with it? Well, I'm sure you gave it back to me. Oh, I remember. I put it on the coffee table. If you can remember where you put the coffee table. Oh, that's easy. I'm sitting on it. Ah, here. Here's the phone. Hello, this is Dr. Hall. Oh, it's you, Mr. Wellerman. This timing never fails. It's always wrong. I'm sorry, Mr. Wellerman, but please cut down on electricians. Mr. Wellerman, I just blew a few. No, no, no. It's nothing personal, but at the moment, the night it and prejudice as I may be, I don't see your point at all. In the first place, I refuse to accept the proposition that we have to cut the budget. Crisis? Well, if we hold the line in education, perhaps there will be less crisis. Mr. Wellerman, a university cannot exist unless it has electricians to light it, cooks to feed it, gardeners to water it, and trustees to stop fiddling with it. Education is the backbone of this country, Mr. Wellerman, and we better not administer any spinal anesthesia until we're short of a diagnosis. Good night. I figured that Clarence was tackling the problem from the wrong angle again. Why not try to meet the budget before you start cutting it? By the time we put the casserole in the oven, a casserole! Too late, too bad. Two eggs, sunny side up. Maryweather and a clorice deal. It's my seat in, Vicky. Yeah, well, between you and Mr. Maryweather and my seat in, I feel much better. Well, that makes me feel much, much happier. Though I'm much, much tired. The rest must starve. So what? Well, you're wasting your health and strength. You will not waste it. After taking a full course in domestic economy, I have gained a new understanding of departmental interdependence. Meaning thought, darling. Well, meaning that today's experience gave me an answer to Mr. Wellerman's urge for economy. What's the answer? The answer is if education has become more expensive, meet the expense. Nothing is as costly as ignorance. To quote a minor contemporary philosopher, let not the seeming urgences of bookkeeping keep us from keeping our books. Very sensible. Who is the minor contemporary philosopher? That eminent educator and past master chef, William Todd Banser Hall. More copy, darling? When you think of beer, think of this. Good. To so many people, it's the largest selling beer in America. Hear the great deal?