 Got I know. Hey, everyone. I think we're live. I'm here with Clayton Olson and my cat Leo is here with us, too And welcome to our live stream on five secret ways to make any man chase you Even if he's pulled away without using any games or manipulation tactics And you guys all know Clayton right Clayton has like the number two video on our channel right now So he is an amazing NLP practitioner and relationship coach who helps people remove their deeper blocks to love so they can create and Maintain that fulfilling lasting relationships, and I hope I said all of that correctly Thank you so much for being here. I'm really excited for this topic today. Yeah, thank you for having me You you completely nailed the introduction and it was wonderful to see Leo briefly as well He always I was telling Clayton regular restart He likes to make his presence known right as I start usually and then he goes in goes in the other room So I'm so excited Clayton what before we jump into this topic five ways to make any man chase you Is there anything you want to say to kind of like pre-frame this conversation? Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm Yes, yes, okay, so the title right five ways to make a man chase you even if he's been pulling away I really I think to pre-frame this conversation properly and to give you all listening a context for the place that I like to come from when I'm working with clients when I'm Talking about relationship advice is to put yourself at the the core And and the center of all of the things that are happening that you're experiencing Experiencing outside of yourself in terms of results So this is going to be less about trying to manipulate him and make him do something and more about What is the internal stance that you can take as a woman? That has a man value you has a man see you as an important asset In his life and somebody that is able to generate a priceless a priceless connection that he's thinking about when he's even not around you So that's I think really just some of the upfront pre-frame is to look at it through this lens of what are the things that I am in control of In order to then position myself to create the best possibility for what I want to occur. Does that make sense? Yeah, amazing That's why I love your work at Clayton and your videos so much is because I'm very similar to what I teach and talk about It's like how to do this in a way that's authentic and real that you can you know Keep it going forever because if you're you know employing some kind of strategy or game in order to make a man do something Not only can he tell right it comes across as kind of like see-through and weird Inauthentic you can't keep that going forever because it's about him if you're trying to do something to affect him in some way Right, so this is the the opposite. I love that. So let's jump into the first one You know me to introduce these or do you have them? I can throw it out there I'll put the first one out there. Maybe you want to jump in and throw out the second but yeah So the first one the first strategy the first stance to take is to create a Vacuum in your life and what I mean when I say a vacuum is I don't mean a Hoover or a Dyson vacuum cleaner I mean to create a almost like meta metaphorical vacuum in your world That calls in what it is that you're wanting from your man or a man So there's two ways of doing this and there's two vacuums that I'd like to talk about here The first one is an external vacuum Now this comes from actually working with a number of incredibly successful women In the realm of relationships that have been single that are trying to calm into their life They've got a lot of things handled in their world and they're trying to finally get this last piece of their life Together this last puzzle piece which is a relationship and it what I often see and I hear is these women will say things like I'm just so busy right. I'm just so busy and You know, I'm fiercely independent and this guy needs to mold into my life like I can't be molding into his and There's a certain schedule There's a certain productivity that they don't want to give up in their life and therefore There's not really any room for a man or a partner to fit in their world And this could come down to say having a dinner table and perhaps only one chair It could be having a double bed where they don't have room for anybody else to be even in their bed They don't have time in their day where they want to give anything up to have space for a guy Whether they've got too many hobbies or activities or they're working 60 hours a week So the first step in this is to look at your life take an inventory of your life and say What would I actually have to change if the man of my dreams walk into my life? Like how what is the broader? Ecology of my schedule my time my energy and how would that actually have to shift and What what might what might I lose that I value externally if this guy just walked into my life? If we can't answer that question What often happens is your identity starts to feel like it's under threat when you are About to get into a relationship because there's just too much to shift So how does that land? Yeah, you actually read my mind I was just gonna say I if a woman doesn't do this and then a man walks into her life I could see how that would actually be a threat to her identity where she'd have to like give up part of who she is To be with this man. That's just another obstacle another block to letting him come close. So I really like that Also internally right we want to talk about internally creating a vacuum and let do you have anything else to say about creating an external vacuum? Well, I love just that it was already in your head and you're you're echoing that back around the the threats of the identity because It's kind of like I've heard people say, you know I don't want to have to change who I am to be with this person, right? And and that can feel really threatening But if you're doing the work beforehand preemptively to create the space in your life Then you're not going to come up against this feeling of oh, I have to change who I am for this person, right? You're changing perhaps your priorities in life so that you can create the vacuum for a relationship to show up in a space Which has a completely different feel to it than changing for somebody else Amazing yeah, I totally agree You know there I hear from so many like clients and just women who comment on some of my videos who are so you know They work, you know 60 80 hour work weeks and they're not even like even just you know in their schedule They're like well, he asked me out and I'm available in like two weeks, right? And and you know as a man, I imagine that would be like, you know You want to be encouraging like if there's nothing to compel him if he doesn't feel like he's going to be able to like get to You right he's not going to keep pursuing you absolutely. Yeah, that's a really good point in it Dovetail dovetails nicely into this idea of creating an internal vacuum, right you you mentioned you said the words and Beautifully if he's not able to get to you What is the incentive for him to really show up in your life? And so being able to get to you not just happens externally and in terms of proximity and time But it also means if he's not able to get to your heart if he's not able to actually Get into your internal landscape where there's space for him so When I talk about this this idea of an internal vacuum What I mean here is to create a space within your heart for a relationship to Walk through the door now the way let's talk about the way to not do that the way to not have an internal vacuum is to carry baggage from your past that has you Seeing men through your insecurities and through making blanket statements about men like men are not trustworthy All men are commitment phobes There's no good men left all of this is the exact opposite of creating a vacuum In fact what it does is it insulates you and it stops you from being able to see real opportunity when it's in front of you And oftentimes those insecurities can actually repel men and because they come in contact with it And they say oh wow this this is gonna be way too difficult to get through to I can't be this woman's therapist I can't change this woman's belief. It's not up to me to do that There's a certain sense of jadedness that that guy's experience and by the way This is the exact same thing for men to men get jaded in relationship as well I mean look at the the mig town movement right MGTOW where more men are becoming Jaded by relationship as well, but if what you're wanting is a partnership if you're deeply wanting that it requires a certain belief in the possibility of Relationship that is healthy and it requires a certain generosity and a sense of trust that you are willing to put on the table First and foremost and then allow that to be proven otherwise rather than coming in with a guilty until innocent mentality which often repels people so Elena it's that trust that coming in and trusting that you you can't have what you want and that there are good men out There and that there is somebody out there for you out of the seven six billion people that are here that there is At the very least one man that is gonna love you for you and to trust that you can see it And that you believe it that is what calls in this document Which creates the space for a guy to feel like he can be himself when he's with you and not have to have the weight Of your own insecurities on top of them trying to prove you wrong How does that sound amazing? Yeah, I mean it's something I say all the time is that if we have these beliefs like you know All men are cheaters or liars or they they're afraid of commitment or they just want sex or anything like that I see I see women doing this they go out there in the dating world And then they're like just attracting men to confirm these like deeper beliefs that they have about themselves, right? Is that something you see too? I do I do yeah, and I love that you brought that up, too You know sometimes this actually happens with with people that I talked to And it's not just a woman thing. It's a it's a human being thing where sometimes we get so entrenched in Wanting to be right about the beliefs that we have of why perhaps we've gotten hurt of how Perhaps the world's a dangerous place dating is a dangerous place that we're just looking for confirmation that We can continue to believe that way. So we're justified in not taking any risk Totally. Yeah, I get I tried to jump in there and say how true that is So like oh right to be scared of it's all along. I was right to not trust men, right? Because you're just attracting they our brains are kind of hard-wired to want to be right. Are they yes? Yes, absolutely because being being right has a certain sense of safety to it Right and when we're right and we have safety and we have certainty about that We don't have to be in relationship with the the place where actual real magic comes from which is being in relationship with uncertainty Walking in and being like wow, you know what? Maybe I don't know who I'm in front of maybe like I can't make a generalization about this guy Maybe this guy actually is a good one in front of me and I should give it a chance rather than See him through this light of my of my baggage in my past You I was just gonna ask you a question and you just answered it actually before I asked it I was gonna say, you know, I mean What about women who have been single and dating for a long time and all they've ever experienced are men who disappear or men Who cheat or lie like how what would you have them do and I think you kind of answered that already, right? Like coming from a place of curiosity Maybe rather than a place of like fear or I have to safeguard myself against all these bad things that might happen I mean do I have that right? Yeah, I think you do and I think that you know This is something that I'm not claiming that I have the answer to either I it's just it actually gets me curious because What I do know is that if a woman or a man is coming to me and they're they have a pattern in their life of Dating the same type of person over and over again. I I know that it's their pattern It's it the pattern is not outside of them. It's it's a pattern. It's a way of seeing the world It's a certain thing that they're attracting and looking for that has them entering into the same game repeatedly with people and if we want to be if we want to state that we're a victim of that pattern and we want to say well It's them out there. It's not me then we have completely Exonerated ourselves from any responsibility or any power to change something or create something different in our life So the first step has to be to take responsibility and say wait There is a part of me that is creating this over and over again Why why is that happening and look this is difficult work to do on your own? And this is why coaches like yourself and in my exist is because it can be really difficult to see your own eyeball so working with somebody Purchasing programs investing in your self-development to see these patterns and take ownership of them So we can dismantle them is is part of being in my opinion a mature Evolving human being that's dedicated to self-love. I was just gonna say that yeah It's like where is your power in that if you can you mean we it's so easy just to say all men are This way ride or blame men and complain about our dating experiences to friends and family members Where's your power in that? It's nowhere, right? So I love what you said and um, yeah I'm just reading the comments every time I look at my phone. I'm just check in. So yeah, you guys get this Don't you just want to let me just say hi to everyone really quick for who's joining? Natalie Mary Wendy Melissa Crystal Tiffany Adri Adri says I love Halena and Clayton. I adore him. He's so handsome Um With the Adrienne Margaret's let's see I'm doing a lot of meditation and trying to keep my focus on the positive positive affirmations for bring positive outcomes Amazing yeah, Natalie says leaning back is working and I feel better about myself, but I'm not chasing him Amazing yeah, I was telling Clayton last night that I think I have the best audience on YouTube You guys are so smart and I love it The conversation so just so intelligently and you go and try things and come back and let us know You know what's working? What's challenging? So thank you so much for all your comments and if you have any questions about this type that into the chat And we'll try to get to some of that maybe towards the end So do you want to jump into the second secret Clayton? Let's do it. Let's do it. All right So the second secret to make a man chase you even if he's been pulling away Again, I use those words lightly lightly the make him chase you part. Let's put the responsibility and the Otis of control back in ourselves. This is called Give him the green light while maintaining boundaries so the The concept that I'm wanting to open up and for for anybody that's listening to flirt with is this this play of two opposites And what I typically see happen is there's there's an imbalance in this where either your We either you or anybody is having like two firm of boundaries and there's like this restriction or those of this clenching Or there's this massive green life in this kind of gushing generosity without any boundaries So it's it's like one or the other it's either like two Two generous and it too open without any boundaries or it's restricted And so when I talk about giving a green light What I mean is being able to One understand it that when men are in the presence of a woman One of the sneaking insecurities that the guy has and again I think this can be a human thing Helena is that we question whether or not we're good enough We question whether or not we can have what we want whether we are deserving enough where we're valuable enough and one of the quickest ways for a guy to get shut down before the Cording even starts is if he believes that there's no way that he can get to you A man is not going to chase someone that is not catchable So giving the green light is in a way. It's like imagine like two kids in a playground, right? If two kids in her playground playing tag One kid just doesn't just exit the playground when someone's not looking and just run and leave and never come back to the game right maybe they go and they hide and they peek around a corner and There's a certain an energy of like you can catch me But you have to try and so it's it's that kind of level of play that we're talking about when I say give him the green Light there's a certain receptivity and availability that I would invite you to step into where You are letting him know that there's interest you're expressive about perhaps the fact that you like him Or you find I'm intriguing or there's certain characteristics about his personality that You like or that you admire Because what ends up happening when you do that is you you relieve him of the doubt That he is good enough and he feels in some ways that there's a chance that there's a fighting chance now That's very different than say you taking all the initiative and texting him and filling the space because that can in some ways Feel a masculating or actually can actually have him Feel like you're chasing him But this is the the stance of being able to get a man to pursue so I'm just gonna pause right there for a moment. Does that land Helene or anything that you want to say on that? Yeah, I love everything you said the way I kind of talk about this is being strong on the inside and soft on the outside Open and receptive what I found is women who don't trust themselves deep down. They don't trust their own boundaries They're they put these walls around them on the out their boundaries are kind of like overextended out So we're going can get close right and I talked to so many women every week in it And that's a difficult thing. So what would giving a man the green light look like in real life? Like do any examples of that? Yeah, I think that giving a man the green light in real life is It's it's being able to not have a fear of even initiating right even if it's just a text message Just start a conversation if the two of you are in contact or have each other's numbers It's being open to realizing that you can initiate with a guy even for instance And I know that some woman there's a controversy or sometimes there's different opinions around do you approach a man? If or do you say hi to a guy or should he should it all be on his lap? I personally respect a woman that has the the courage to start a conversation with me because I know It actually says a lot about our character and the fact that she's willing to think outside the box I draw vast conclusions about how she lives life. She's able to do that now if she's able to initiate and then still be able to relax into the Femininity and and not say strong arm and try to lead things at that point. I think that's powerfully effective Another way of being receptive and giving the green light just even before there's perhaps even a connection is just practicing making eye contact With people holding it and giving a smile and just being warm So those are just a couple examples of What giving the green light might look like? I mean it also might be if look if you've had a great date with a guy Let him know that you had a great date with him Feel free to text him that the next day or that evening and say wow you're a fascinating person and I Enjoy getting an out. I'm enjoying getting to know you right and that way at least it's clear because I mean some guys and They're gonna just be afraid of getting rejected So there's certain risks that they might not take you might think well They should take the risk if they're a real man, maybe they should step and take the risk But make it make it in some ways easy and inviting that there's somebody on the other side ready to catch them. I Agree with you 100% Yeah, a lot of times I tell women to you know give give a guy like one clear kind of indicator of your interest Whether that's just making eye contact and smiling, you know, whatever Whatever the situation is and then you know lean back and let him leave from there And that's like good way to know if it's interested can be hard to do that though I know a lot of women are afraid to do that something I always say it's kind of like if you're not attached to the outcome or the results of that interaction You can do anything. I mean you can literally you can do everything that I say not to do like you can walk You know, if you know that if you're so sure, right? Yeah, you can do anything Most women cut, you know are not at that place if they're feeling really attached to a man They're they're trying to make something happen. They're trying to affect him in some way That's when it's really helpful to have the guideline of like when in doubt lean back into your feminine energy But if you're you're you're confident if you're not attached to the outcome You can do whatever you want, right? And a man's not gonna feel like you're trying to make something happen I would imagine right? I love that. Yeah, exactly. And to your point You said something earlier that plays nicely into this which is that if a guy is Excuse me like if a woman wants to be more playful And she wants to be able to dance with the sexuality dance with the sensuality And have be more charming flexible And and open with a guy so that her real self can come out That actually comes from paying attention to the underbelly of of this playful open energy, which is knowing your boundaries Right. So the green light the the strength of the green light The ability to be playful and sexy is underpinned by your ability to know your values and to understand the lines That you won't cross because they're not respectful to you. They're not respectful the other person And the more that you know your boundaries and the more that you're comfortable being able to voice those The more it allows you to play. It's kind of like I'll use another metaphor here It's kind of like a little kid that For instance the level of play that a kid could experience on a playground if they know that their parent is watching and Looking over them versus if the kid doesn't know where the parent is Right the kid might end up crying be kind of locked up be Unable to play because they're not feeling protected. They're not feeling safe But if the kid in you the part of you that actually is able to flirt and be playful knows that there is an Internal parent online that is watching out for for these boundaries. You can be that much more expressive How's that land? Yeah, you know, I just brought this idea of like it's the women I see that who don't trust themselves that don't trust their boundaries that they it's like they can't be Flirty and fun and playful because there's like this rigid kind of tense Undercurrent of all the interactions. Have you found that as well? Yes. Yes. Yeah, I sometimes it's like the the product of The expression of having too many boundaries is actually Directly reflected to really not knowing your boundaries. So everything just gets locked up. Yeah, it's kind of paradoxical in that way Yeah, let's give some examples of this because I know these are huge concepts But they're so important and it sounds like they're just resonating so well with everybody So thank you guys for your comments But yeah, what would this can you give an example of maybe how someone could do this, you know Giving a guy the green light while maintaining boundaries Yeah, let me actually talk to tell me maybe you can add something in here but what comes to mind about The the ability to give green lights but still have boundaries in some ways is just understanding what it is that you will and will not do on the first day right and and being able to To communicate that being comfortable being able to have that conversation if it goes that direction and being able to almost set up these kind of clear and Just casual fun Agreements within yourself that may be stated explicitly with a guy so that you can have fun and relax on the date I know that women that I have dated in the past Who who have these boundaries have these values of you know, this is what I'm not gonna do in the first day This is what I need to feel before I feel comfortable opening in that way Tend to be able to play to those edges much in a much more fun way And it allows me to feel like oh wow, you know what? She's actually super receptive to me right and she's not shutting down She's just got self-respect and she's got a certain value system that she lives by and I'm like wow Okay, so I want to be with a woman who I respect right? I want to ultimately be with a woman who can demonstrate strength because that helps me believe that we're not gonna have a codependent relationship So I think that sometimes women think well god if I put a boundary up I might push him away Right, but I think that it's actually the opposite I think that what ends up happening is for the right guy for a high quality dude that you may be with It actually shows that you're not a pushover But that you're also open and receptive and you have a certain code that you live by Which I think has him not worry about you and It has him respect you more Yeah, I'm trying to like feel myself into this situation of like being on a first date or something So it's almost like rather than being one foot in and one foot out of the interactions Right because you're afraid that things might go too far and you'd have to back yourself out of it Like what if and this is just off the top of my head So if this doesn't if this is not, you know, you know, this doesn't resonate with you Let me know but like what if you are both feet in to the interaction and just go right up into where you feel comfortable Even if that's just like having a conversation Even if it's just like giving him one kiss before you go inside like put both feet into that kiss, right? And oh my god, that's so good. I can't wait to see you again and then and then go right rather I mean would that send the wrong thing right? No, that's great. That would be encouraging But you're also like because you guys trust yourself, right? You're not gonna like go to some guy's house So you barely know and if you don't feel comfortable with that So trust yourself and then and put both feet in and have this like both feet in kind of way of doing things Rather than one foot in and one foot out Then you're up in your head trying to make some mental calculation about how many dates you've been on And is this okay and what he's thinking what I found is that when you're when your energy's open to someone Your your intuition kicks in as a woman, right? You can really feel like okay. Is this a good situation? Can I stay right here? Can I keep doing this or do I need to take a step back? But when we're cut off from our feminine energy and our intuition like that We we go up in our heads and that's when we don't know like where to draw the line sometimes That's like that's what I found thinking. How does that sound to you? It sounds incredibly attractive. That's what it sounds like. Yeah, it sounds It sounds incredibly engaged. It sounds present and it also I'm just imagining that You know feeling that energy of somebody being able to put both feet in To the kiss or whatever it is that we're doing And then even if I am Say pushing for something more or leading it into someplace else for her to be able to draw the boundary I'm not suddenly taking it as some rejection Right. I'm taking it as oh, no, this person is they're super engaged and now it's like I'm more likely To not take it personally Right because there's there's less room for misinterpretation there Exactly. Yeah, it's it's exactly it's the strong on the inside soft on the outside kind of thing that It's it you're talking about in the exact same way. It's just more of like a masculine way of talking about it Right with the the green light with the boundaries because yeah, you guys trust yourself, right? You're not gonna you're not gonna put yourself in a situation that where Things could like go too far if you truly trust your boundaries and you're sticking to them So, yeah, that was that was fantastic. I just came up with that at the top of my head. So that's why I love doing videos with you Clayton because it brings out new stuff. It's so good So, yeah, do you want to jump into the third secret? All right, the third secret Be his sanctuary now That's an interesting one. I you know, I've talked about this in videos before and it gets mixed opinions So I'm going to do my best to talk about this in a way that I think really dimensionalizes it and lands it so Where this comes from is this idea of what do we want to create a relationship for? Right. Why why do we want a relationship with a man? Right or a woman. Is it because we don't want to be alone? Is it because we want to get our needs met? Is it because we want security is because we want to share experiences is because we want to be seen Yes I think all of those are those can all be valid, but they do dictate What the quality of the relationship turns into? And so my I think the invitation here and when I say be a sanctuary what I mean is like be a stand for creating your relationship as a sanctuary with a man And the whole responsibility it's not necessarily just on you to be the the stand for the sanctuary It's more of like a Co-created enrolled vision of both of you are creating a relationship to be a sanctuary where the relationship becomes a platform For you to bring your best most generous trusting open loving self to the mix it becomes a A shelter from life. It becomes a place where both of you can come back to And recharge as individuals and then go out into the world and take on the world with more presence More energy more vigor take more risk and become better people now What that means it fundamentally means shifting your relationship from a place where you get something to Seeing your relationship as a place where you give something where you are making deposits and You might be thinking well, wait a second though. I'm the only one giving here and I'm trying to create the relationship this way and he's not doing that Then I don't want to get taken advantage of and what I would say is that if you're leading in this regard and you You perhaps are even talking about this as like a dual vision as a as a vision And this is not something he wants to partake in then he might not be your guy right you guys might actually not be compatible, but It's better to know right and start to create the relationship and in the way that you want it And and no quicker rather than rather than later. So The reason why I believe this is so important Is because if we look into the psychology of of men of western men, I would say just men all over the world You know, I've coached I coached virtually guys going through breakups Everywhere everywhere people speak english people have found me on youtube. They found my articles. They hit me up with an email or They Shoot me on whatsapp text and they want to work together and I ended up talking with them and getting inside their psychology And I can tell you that across so many different continents what I find with men is that men are Locked up most men are locked up emotionally They have a really hard time Relaxing they're very driven They've got these ideas of what it means to be a man or in terms around their purpose and making money and making sure that They can provide and having a certain level of status before they feel like they can relax and underneath all of that this all underneath this competitive nature is this deep feeling of That they're inadequate that they're not enough and it drives them to want to achieve more and more And the amount of stress and pressure that they put on themselves and that they allow life to put on them Is incredibly intense and the beauty of a woman Who is inner feminine and who is a stand for relationship being a sanctuary? Is that all of those pressures from life? If she is the place where he doesn't experience pressure, but rather he experiences a soft place to land It naturally pushes him into relationship and naturally pushes him into wanting to hang out with you because The relationship is life giving rather than life taking Yeah, the feeling and getting when you say that is like you're kind of that safe space that a man wants to come towards When he experiences pressure from the outside world rather than another obligation or another thing that he needs to pull away from And he's feeling stressed or just burnt out, right? Yes I love that. I love it. And this you guys your comments are I don't know. Can you see these cladens? I can't see any comments. I just see you checking. Yeah, so Um, so good. Let me just let me just address some of these really quick. Yeah, I go for it I love this guy claden. She says he taught me so much about how to be in a healthy relationship with my guy I communicated my boundaries about what I wanted. I was very upfront. My guy stepped up Amazing now Right. Yeah, I just want to say like that's it like any I'm so glad that you read that comment and thank you for sharing that It was it natalie That was tiffani tiffani. Thank you for communicating that because um This is one of the implications of you being able to communicate your boundaries in a way that's not punishing in a way That's not disrespectful or making him not okay. It's that This is a perfect example of how you Can help a man become a better man Is by you treating yourself in a better way and then suddenly both of you rise together Beautiful Yes, natalie says i'm so used to just giving in i'm going to try a whole different approach now. I love it Amazing. Um, if you act like a high value woman and only talk positively about yourself They will believe it. Also every guy around you will believe it too. I love that Thanks for your advice. It really helps. We appreciate it. I'm learning my value. It finally feels good It's just I mean, there's just so many so many. Oh my god. I love it. I love your audience. I love your audience Thank you for all being on here. They're amazing. I know I have the best audience on youtube I have no problem making that amazing. Yeah, I want to point something out too I want to just point something out right somebody's comment on there was Talk about yourself in a high value way Right and in practice talking about the person that you're with in a high value way too Even if you don't know them that well like give them the generosity that you are willing to see The high value nature that they they are In a way that perhaps just provides trust There's a woman that I know who is also a coach and a good friend of mine And she said something to the effect of whenever she's out there dating. She says I am always dating the man I am always dating quote unquote the man until he proves otherwise Right, so it's not just her back over here talking about herself being high value And you need to prove yourself to me and get up to my level. It's more like no i'm high value I trust that you're high value too until you give me a reason to believe otherwise I I love that and that doesn't come across as too like too much, right? Like if what would be an example of that of how one could do that Well, I think what it is is it it comes down to dropping any Dropping seeing the guy you're with through insecurities where you're thinking like, okay He needs to prove to me that he's high value It's it's just giving him the benefit of the doubt and I think the best way to answer that question rather than giving like a like brass tacks How someone would do it is I'd say the access to doing it is going to be just Assume that he's high value Just like you and now how would you interact with him, right? How would you know if both of you were complete equals in the high value realm? How would you interact with them and then whatever comes naturally from that place? Is your appropriate unique expression of that? I've never I've actually never heard anyone say that before I don't know if you've ever said that before but that was so brilliant. I'm amazing. Someone said I'm enjoying all the good advice I love that. He's so smart Clayton is really smart Yeah, this is you guys. This is great. You guys all get this, don't you? This is yeah, so so good with Being a sanctuary, you know one concept that I talk about a lot in in some of my videos is It's creating space and softness at the same time, right? Creating creating space leaning back into your feminine energy Not always having this like forward leaning quality to your interactions, right? Basically creating the space for him to come towards you and pursue you While creating softness and at the same time It's kind of the opposite of what a lot of us feel compelled to do especially for feeling triggered or anxious about the situation We want to lean forward and try to make something happen And then we shut ourselves down emotionally So when you talk about creating a sanctuary, I feel like that really coincides with my space and softness idea But I'd love to hear any thoughts you have on that. I love that. No, I love the way that you put it I don't know if I have many more thoughts on that except that um Yeah, there's creating a space. I love it. I just almost said creating a sanctuary That could happen too Creating a sanctuary. Uh, I think does coincide with a receptivity a receptivity and a energy of relaxing and allowing and inviting Rather than Hey, I've created this really great spot now. You need to come here and if you're not coming here I'm taking it personally because you don't think it's good enough, right? It's just no like look Creating it. This is this is the crazy part about creating a sanctuary that I'm just getting right now as I'm talking about it Creating the first sanctuary that if you want to create a sanctuary in a relationship The first place to start creating a sanctuary is in your own life It's in it. It's all in your own head, right? So if you are out of rapport with yourself If you've got habits and practices that are stressing you out If you don't have enough time in the day to slow down and take care of who you are and love yourself and treat your body right and eat great food and sit and relax and enjoy art and music and good books and have like a really nice bed to sleep in and you're Maintaining boundaries that way as a as a single person It's going to be very difficult to try to create that in relation with somebody else So if you're single you don't have to wait for a man to walk in your life to create a sanctuary You can start doing it right now right after this call That I love that. I've never heard you say that before. Yeah It's like so you go to create this Environment that where you're feeling in love with life first, right? And then yes Rather than like I'm running away from this abyss of Loneliness or being single and trying to create Something with the man because you're running away from someplace You don't want to be is this feeling I'm get when you say that right you got it. You got it. Yep hit the nail in the head Okay, amazing. Let's let's move on to number four that number four Would you like to introduce these or I have them written down in front of me too? How about you go ahead and introduce them? Okay, number Number four is that allowing yourself to be impacted by him This might be one of my favorites and and Clayton has so much to say on this one So I'd love to hear all your thoughts on that. Yeah. Yeah allow him to impact you yeah, okay, so I believe that I mean and I would take this um all the way to being babies and in infants and uh lane in the crib and um I think there's a Let me put some context with this Uh, I think it's called like mirror neurons right when a baby is born You can literally stick your tongue out at the baby and the baby will stick their tongue out back at you Right and one of the most beautiful things you can actually Do for a child to show love is to give the child attention and love and make eye contact with it Um and and to play with it and so I think at a core fundamental level Fundamental level at the core of our being before all of our personality structures come online What we want so bad is to be witnessed by another person We want to feel that we exist and one way that we know that we exist and that we matter is By being recognized being seen and seeing that our presence and our existence is able to impact other people so this goes right in line with Some research that john gotman did if anybody john gotman I think he did seven principles of highly successful marriages or something to that nature And he did a couple others that uh, he's really scientific relationship researcher He said that one of the number one factors that allow people to to stay together the glue that allows people to stay together Is Whether or not they are open to being influenced and impacted by each other Right. So I think this is like a super deep biological neurological process that allows people to actually mesh and and Feel like they belong to one another And when I say belong I mean like they're creating community They're creating they're creating group within their relationship. And so what it looks like is it looks like uh on a Bringing it up to like relationship now going from the past up into kind of what it looks like in relationship is a woman allowing herself to be influenced and open to Seeing the world in a different way seeing seeing the world and allowing the the guy's ideas and his presence to actually Land within her reality and perhaps upgrade the way that she sees life and to be expressive and open about that when it's actually happening to Communicate that she respects certain things that she sees certain things that she's taking certain things into consideration that Maybe the way that he lives her life the things that she could adopt into herself And it is of course a two-way street, but I would Say that as one person begins to lead in this arena. It gives both people permission to be able to do that um Because what essentially is happening is two people are coming together and they're allowing each other's value systems to be impacted By one another and reorganized for The sake of the relationship in its creation Does that make sense? Yeah, so I'm just like smiling over here because that was it's just so good. I just thought yeah the way you said that was so perfect was um What what is something a woman could actually say because again, these are huge concepts What's just like a couple things maybe maybe she could actually say to a man To do this in a way that they can feel like he's having an impact on her Yeah, definitely. I love going down the rabbit hole. So um, thanks for pulling me out of it. Um Um So what are a couple things that a woman can do to? Express that she's been impacted by guy um well, I think that being able to recognize just actually Compliment a man and acknowledge a man on parts of his character rather than just things that he does But compliment a man on who he is rather than what he does, right? Like um saying something like, you know, wow Like for instance a difference between a compliment and acknowledgement a compliment might be Well, I'm really impressed that you got so much work done or I'm really impressed that You did xyz versus an acknowledgement would be something to the effect of I'm just really impressed by your work ethic, right? It just it really Shows your dedication to what you do and how much you put your heart into it and I and I think that's um really inspiring right Words of affirmation, you know words that even if he does something, right? It's like You know, that was really sweet of you that that says a lot about your character right, um Opens the door for you. God. You're such a gentleman Right, just encourage and give light and bring light and language to the things that you want to see grow more like Put attention on that, right? I mean this goes right back to like law of attraction and the secret and all that stuff What whatever we're putting our focus on and naming is going to grow So put it on the stuff that you in the direction that you want Yeah, so oh gosh, don't get me started on that. We'll be here for like three hours. I could talk Yeah, I would say that yeah, there's something, you know Acknowledge and appreciate the parts of him that you want to see more of it's so easy to do that too That's the grace so easy to just you know, thank you or that feels so good or that was so, you know It felt so much better when you took care of that or anything's like that's so easy Especially when you start to do it and get amazing results It'll just become like second nature where you won't believe you don't know how you were ever living before like it's just I mean, I think if you can just give your undivided attention to something you love and appreciate for as long as you can That is just like the secret to everything you want just like flowing right into your life, right? Not just in relationships, but in everything in everything. Um, I wanted to ask you Okay, good. Good. Yes. Um, I wanted to ask you so allow yourself to be impacted by him What about like the other side like um, actually impacting him would this be something to like include and talk about here Wow, yeah Yeah, we could so okay. So the question is in some ways how could a woman impact a guy Right, okay So I will say the ways that I have been impacted by women in the past the first thing that comes to my mind is um, when a woman has the strength to reveal um How she's feeling when she has the strength to draw a boundary when she has the strength To show a motion around me Right to not be ashamed of it to to not um shy away from it when she's able to show vulnerability Um, that is incredibly impactful. I think one of the beautiful things that that women have access to um With a little bit more flexibility than than men do is vulnerability. Um, I think that men tend to wrap shame around vulnerability And that being in relationship with a woman who is not afraid to be vulnerable and when I say vulnerable I don't mean weak. I don't mean spineless. I don't mean um Coming to somebody and expecting them to fix your problems and being mad if they don't I mean vulnerability meaning like being open to if you're getting worked by life right now and um looking for being able to share those types of experiences and not necessarily looking for an answer Um, I know that men can get uncomfortable with that, but uh, there's something incredibly impactful about it. Um I know a couple that's been together for about six seven years right now and uh, I know that uh, When this woman I know cries in front of her husband. It makes him really uncomfortable um, but at the same time, uh, it's What ends up happening is there's a softening that occurs with him Like kind of a panic because he's like, oh my god I need to fix something But then there's like a softening that occurs where it really dials them in to be present And and there for her and now she's not doing it as a way to manipulate him. She's doing it because it's it's actually what's happening and It builds intimacy. So those are just a couple ideas Yeah, I'm so glad you said talked about vulnerability. I mean it's something I talk about all the time, right? It's so important. It can be really difficult too sometimes, right? Like sometimes it's like we I can feel a lot of times I'm like, I don't want to be vulnerable right now. I just want to shut down and right and um, it can be the hardest thing But I've really found it. It's the way to protect yourself most seriously because when you are In your feminine energy when you're trusting your feelings and and actually like paying attention to what's going on inside you And you're able to like express that in a way that doesn't make a man wrong Or doesn't like you said hold some kind of expectation like I'm feeling anxious So I need you to do something so I don't feel that way, right? You're not looking at him to solve it for you But you're just expressing yourself because this is who you are, right? You are a warm open feminine woman So, yeah, that is great. Do you do you have any like examples of how someone could do that? I love that you mentioned your your friends who were married What about women who were just like out there dating meeting new men? How to be vulnerable in a way that isn't like too much, but uh, Inspires me to pursue her Hmm. Hmm Hmm I think after a date even saying, um, I really enjoyed my time with you Right. Um I think being in the middle of a date and if you're enjoying your time with them or there's something that you're Appreciating about them being able to find the language and just say it and name it and not worrying about whether or not Um, it makes you look needy or whether it's too much too soon. Like look people people love Uh to know that they're make that they're being impacted, right? So that that really is the key here is I think having the the The the language and the courage to express what you are what you're really feeling um from a place that perhaps isn't you know falling in love with a fantasy but uh is is open and honest and um Allows the man to get to know you a little bit more like on then Let's talk about maybe just quickly on the the opposite side of things like for instance say a guy, uh hasn't Called you in a little while and I recently came across this with a coaching client I was working with her and she said, you know, we had these two dates and they were absolutely amazing We connected and we had such such a deep emotional connection We talked about all these things that that span the gamut and now suddenly it's like radio silence And i'm just like what the happened, right? Well, where is he and she's like i'm getting pissed. I'm finding myself wanting to shut down um, and i'm just like like he's he's playing games. He's playing games with me and so You know, here's the thing is being vulnerable Um going and saying and hey look stop playing games with me. Uh, I feel disrespected And you know, why are you so inconsistent? And now we could say okay on one level that is there's a there's a level of truth that is being revealed there Right, which may be better than just like walking away and fitting into the shadows and saying nothing But underneath that if we were to express the real vulnerability It's actually confusion It's like wait a second. I'm and maybe a little bit of hurt like there's something that we Uh that we both experienced that was that was fun and exciting, but now i'm not hearing from you and i'm confused So I coached her to actually express some of that confusion to him in a text But to let him know hey, I I had a great time and i'm just a little confused as to why i haven't heard from you Um, given that it seemed like we really appreciated each other's energy She did that they ended up having a conversation about it and What she found was that There was just a lot of ignorance on his part He didn't know that he was having this type of impact with his lack of communication She's just tracking the connection the relationship a little bit more than he is He's this dude with his blinders on working thinking like okay, we had a great connection Now i'm gonna focus over here, and i'm gonna do this stuff not keeping track of perhaps the time that was going by So after she did that It actually was it allowed him an opportunity to step up in in readjust and realize that hey Maybe there's a new Way that I can be in this connection with her in terms of consistency if I actually want to grow it So that's another way of of vulnerability. That was so like amazingly helpful Yeah, and there were I get quite that's probably one of the number one questions I get claden is like well should I he's hot and cold or he you know He's backing up should I say something or what do I do? So that was like a great way to be able to say it without Like activating his defenses or making him want to shut down, right great language. Yeah activating his defenses. Yeah Yeah, um, yes, I'm just like kind of checking in here. I love that take that to the bank brilliant Like like the work ethic gentleman awesome advice verbally as opposed Okay, I agree claden men respond better and sometimes just people in general when you're vulnerable I love it Yeah, a great okay tiffany has a question I have a problem with being an emotional trainwreck Sometimes they're feeling like it comes across as meaty or weak in front of my man So I just kind of distract myself and bottle it up so I don't make him uncomfortable Oh, do you have any any thoughts for that for that question claden? Yeah Tiffany I would be curious as to what would be the most vulnerable thing for you to say in that Right and um, it doesn't have to be complicated there. What about just saying to him at some point Exactly what you said on this text You know god, sometimes I feel like I'm an emotional trainwreck and I try to play it cool and not show that because I it's like I'm Trying not to burden you with my emotions and I've been sitting with this in silence But I haven't even checked in with you if that's the case or not I'm just curious. How does that land on your side? Am I just making stuff up or does it feel like that would put too much pressure on you? and just asking him Right, like perfect thing to say in that absolutely. Yeah Wow, I love that. Yeah, she also said I shared these streams with the forward-leaning women in my life Most most women I know and they're loving it. Okay. That's great. I'm so glad you guys are liking that Yeah, I would just a lot of times I have coaching clients who say you know This is how I'm feeling and I'm like, you know, you could actually you said that so beautifully You could actually say that to him and like right vulnerable right then it invites a conversation rather than feeling all this stuff I mean a man can feel that can't he if you're trying to act cool and calm and collected But you're feeling all of this stuff under the surface He might not be able to put his finger on it But but I imagine that would in in some ways make him feel unsafe to come close Right if there's like this incongruent Totally totally and then it starts to perpetuate the exact thing that you don't want to have happen Which I have had this happen before and I'm like, whoa, is she not into me anymore? Like is something going on like what is she not telling me? Why is she hiding something from me? Am I am I not worthy of her truth? Is she seeing somebody else like what's happening? So then all of a sudden I start pulling away which then perpetuates the exact thing that she didn't want to have happened by Not telling me and it just creates the the exact thing that we're fearing so Yeah, clean up the fear and do what you can to Continue to wrap it and love and realize it's like what do you want a relationship on? Do you want a relationship based on truth or do you want a relationship based on? On story right part of being in a relationship I think is is the commitment of not just the label, but it's actually The the commitment to share in some ways your internal landscape or the other person even when it's uncomfortable Yeah, perfect for yeah If what you're feeling on the inside is not matching what you are conveying on the outside with your words and body language Yes, and can start to feel like oh, I can't I can't really trust her I can't get close to her right what we've been talking about it goes both ways too, right? Yeah, we will over a hundred people watching if you guys have ever experienced that I'm we would love to hear about it. So let's let's move on to number five Which is focus on the connection rather than the commitment itself right clean Yes, yes, and I think that what we just talked about It feels like it dovetails. Am I centered on the camera? By the way, I feel like I'm like my chair's like sink All right, cool I think this concept number five focus on the connection rather the commitment Dovetails nicely from this last one about this idea of what is the What is the unspoken agreement that we have when we get into a relationship with somebody right and so I just want to throw this out there as a question for anybody listening is What is the most valuable asset that you create? with another person When you get into communication with them Is it the commitment? Right. Is it is it marriage? Is it a family? Is it the relationship? Is it the labels? um, I would say that it's none of those things that those are actually The products or the flowering of something that's much deeper Which is the connection the the connection that you have with somebody is the most critical asset Between two people that when you focus on and you give it energy you give it attention um, all of those other things that you're wanting like connection commitment um relationship That's when it gives them an opportunity to actually form so I'm just going to pause right there. Does that make sense? Totally makes sense and what this is what I normally see. I know we didn't like get a chance to talk about this beforehand So let me know if this is if I don't have this right what I see a lot in women is they're almost like I don't want to say ignoring almost like starving the connection because they're almost like bartering it You'd be like, okay. Well, well, I'll build the connection once I get that commitment from him and then from the man's perspective I would imagine there's there's a thing for him to commit to if he's not feeling that strong connection What do you have to say? I mean, do I have that right? That's that's exactly right. That's exactly right Yeah, and and I love that you you said it so clearly. So if we were just to use a metaphor for this um Let's imagine that your The connection that you create with a man is a flower bed of Flowers fruits vegetables things that are of deep nutritional and spiritual value And the commitment or the labels around the relate Around that are the are the relationship and the labels. So for instance, it's the fence the the relationship Excuse me. Let me say this again The the fence is the commitment or the relationship labels that then protect that garden So if you're wanting to build a fence with a guy before there's anything even blooming It's like, well, what what are we actually protecting? Right. So you you must create something that is worthy of protecting with the labels of relationship and commitment first um before Trying to build a fence around something because what ends up happening is you if you try to build a fence without the Garden it feels like entrapment. It feels like wait I'm actually just going to be trapped in this kind of barren wasteland where there's nothing flowering and growing So why would I do that? That's that's backwards. So When you focus on the connection Both of you at some point will naturally want to Protect it with commitments and labels and in fact, you might not even need to talk about the The labels that go around it. They will just arise naturally as a result of again putting your attention and focus on The most powerful asset that you have which is building intimacy And deep connection and knowing with the person in front of you Yeah, I have so much to say on that I was just checking it, but this is totally resonant with everyone. Um, that's good. Clayton. I love the advice You're so thank you so much. You are both so wise. You're amazing. Clayton. Thank you. It does seem that way I felt a strong connection to this guy to talk constantly and tell each other problems But he doesn't want to commit very profound focus on the connection not the commitment. I love love love that You guys are so amazing. I love you guys so much. Um, what would you say to melissa's question? I felt a strong connection to this guy. We talk constantly We tell each other's problems. We talk to each other about our problems, but he doesn't want to commit Um, what would you say for someone in that situation? Yeah, um, I would Number one get really clear on what it is that you want So if it really is a commitment I'd be curious just just to help you get clear You know, what what is it that you believe a commitment will give you that you currently don't have? And that's not an argument for not getting into a commitment We all have goals in terms of relationship marriage But get clear on what it is that you want so that You can draw perhaps a boundary around timing within yourself It could be that this guy is just moving slower than you And it could be that this guy is just not going to commit that he's not actually fit for relationship right now And I would say that if a guy is telling you that he does not want to commit trust him Trust him because it might not be that it's that whatever it is that is growing between the two of you Is going to warrant putting a fence around it for him So have a time frame in your mind of perhaps how long you're willing to invest in a connection If you don't feel like it's going anywhere and be able to draw Draw a boundary there for yourself just so you feel that you can show up to the connection With both feet in like Helene is talking about While also not compromising yourself. So I'd be curious if you're sleeping with this guy And if the two of you have had an explicit conversation around well, maybe he just wants a lover and you want to partner and Being really honest around whether or not this is this is something that is actually compatible right now So it comes down to asking some difficult questions. Maybe communicating with him a little bit more clearly around how you're feeling and where you're at And being okay with perhaps the connection transforming Maybe into just a friendship at this time And being willing to let go so that you can create space for something that is more available to come in I Yeah, amazing. That was that was super super helpful another great question from Shakira. Hey Clayton the guy I'm dating keeps breaking his promises to me He cancels our meetings and doesn't say anything. I'm so drained. I've told him how it makes me feel But he's said he's hasn't changed anything is what it sounds like. Yeah I mean kind of similar situation You want to watch what he's doing the point of doing this is not to make a guy Do what you want right the point of expressing yourself is to see what he does with that information, right? Wonderful, right? Such a good distinction. Yeah. Yeah does he um Does he seem to want to meet your needs and does he take your feelings into account or does he dismiss them? Or does he just keep doing whatever he's doing because he doesn't really care about about You know, like how you're feeling and all of that stuff So yeah, the point of everything we're talking about is not to like make a guy do something It's to to watch what he does and see how that makes you feel and his response to you when you express some of these things Like your feelings and and that person either will give you so much information in terms of like Could this guy be a good partner to you? Like where what's his interest level like how how committed is he? It's going to give you and that's stuff you want to know really early on right Clayton So good so good and thank you for making that distinction Your vulnerability is not a tool to get him to act in the way that you want him to act Your vulnerability is your most powerful way of qualifying whether he is your man or not. That's it So if you are giving this man your vulnerability and he is treating it like trash He is going to treat you like trash. So it's time to Make a hard decision and get really honest with yourself and determine what you want to do from here Yeah, and you want to know that like early on that's why you want to be vulnerable and open right from like the very You want to start off on the right foot? You don't want to hold yourself back It's just came I'm just making this up off the top of my head But let me know you think about it You don't want to hold yourself back and start that connection and then and then six months a year down the line Start to open up to him and express your boundaries and needs and only to find out that he's not a man Really interested in meeting your needs or or honoring your boundaries or your feelings Like you want to start right on the right foot with this, right? Yes. Yeah. Look, you're not going to get your time back You're not going to get your time back. It's the most you're and you're not going to get your attention back So what is the quality of attention and presence that you want to bring in your connections? And how much time do you want to spend with that level of quality and attention and if you've got If you've got half-hearted Attention half-hearted presence you're hiding within the connection because you're afraid your full self is going to scare him away Then you will prolong finding out whether or not this man actually loves you for you and it Then it comes back to if it's like, oh my god, but I'm so afraid to reveal my real self Then you know what? It's great that you're watching these videos. It's great that you are in touch with wonderful people like Helena Um, and perhaps get some coaching get somebody to work with just on a few sessions So you can start to feel comfortable and love yourself enough where you will not compromise compromise not bringing that to your connections Absolutely. Yes, someone said that's right. Clayton being vulnerable allows you to see what's up, which can be a good thing Someone else that they have the same experience. Um, you ended the relation I showed him my value myself and deserve way better than this amazing so so when we're talking about, you know, um Focusing on the connection rather than the commitment. What how could a woman actually do that? How could she foster a deep connection and emotional bond so that a man Naturally feels there's no like how do I get him to commit when you do this correctly, right? He's gonna naturally and organically feel compelled to commit to you once you um work on the connection So how does a woman do that? Yeah, so a lot of what we talked about in this video So far leading up to this point has actually had it all Siphons right into uh the actions that create this connection So giving him the green light Trusting him being able to give the man words of affirmations express your emotional experience be able to practice throwing boundaries out there and see how he responds to them um Creating a sanctuary Right creating a sanctuary a place where the both of you can relax and let down your guards and truly get to know each other Lowing yourself to be impacted by him allowing and and being able to bring your real self to the table to impact him All of this is in service of the connection right, so this last one of focusing on the connection over the commitment is a maneuver Internally that you that you make That actually relieves the man of feeling pressured that there's some finish line Right that there's some finish line that you're like, you know, I'm just holding back I'm just I'm not going to give you my full self until until you until you bring it. It's like Man, that's just that is not fun for anybody. You're not having any fun doing that. Oh my gosh Yeah, I I mean I talk so much about this whole finish line thing because I get it like we we just want that I've kind of found that we women can get tend to get very worked up about Looking in the distance for the relationship, right? We're men are kind of just more about the moment They're more single focused. They just want to feel good right now. They might not be thinking about Okay, what's what's this going to look like a year down the line or in general? Obviously, there's always exceptions, but if you can reverse that dynamic, right? Just play in the moment, right just have fun Obviously within your we're not saying Invest yourself in someone who said he doesn't want a committed relationship Obviously you have to be you know have boundaries and trust yourself, right? But if you can just have fun in the moment and play in the moment get into your feminine energy It's like These moments you have with a man just become so like Rich and full and amazing of all the good feeling experiences you want That you almost become not so sure that you want to get to the finish line, right? Because you're enjoying the unfolding. It's not it's like It's like I'm not so Yeah, I'm not so eager to get to the end of this because I'm enjoying the beginning and middle of this, right? I'm enjoying the unfolding. Yeah. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Yeah, attractive. I would imagine, right? Yeah Yeah, it's incredibly attractive and it's just there's such a deep spiritual life lesson in this like All right. Do you have any guarantee that if you get what you want is it's going to make you happy? Right. Do you think that if a man finally marries you that you're going to be happy? Uh, oh, I will tell you that the statistics, uh say otherwise Right that if you get married like it's not like you've got like the odds on your side, right? So and that's not saying shy away from marriage But what it's saying is that marriage is not a finish line, right? Having a family is not a guaranteed place where you're going to suddenly finally be able to Uh feel all the things that you want The time to have that is actually right now the time to There's nothing out there that you're going to get from a guy's commitment that you can't already actually create within you In terms of a feeling, right? Yeah It's not there once he commits to you It's got to be the offering that you bring Into the connection first because that's what differentiates you from all the other women that he's dating Is that you are bringing this this sense of wholeness and completeness and love and open-heartedness and present moment awareness and not trying to take it anywhere and Like what man doesn't want to actually it continue to experience that over and over again for the rest of his life so That's that's the shift from thinking that you got to get somewhere before you're going to be happy to realizing that It's like it's your job now to create that sanctuary inside of you and then bring that Into your your connection with guys Yeah, that's what I always say and now even just hearing you saying that it's like I know just a million new things just popped into my mind like why why do you want a relationship? Why does anyone want a great relationship anyway, right? Because I think we're going to feel good in the having of it and so we can get backwards like okay I'm gonna once I get that commitment then I'll feel happy It's like you gotta get out ahead of it because you're always going to want Once you get that relationship you think you want so badly you're gonna want more things from there You're not just you're never gonna get it done I that's kind of my belief system right you're never gonna get it done You're always going to be at a place where you want more than what you have now So you have to feel good in the getting there And this really I know it sounds like we're going off on a tangent But this really relates to how to make a guy pursue you right because this is the attitude Of not being up in your head fast-forwarding it. How's this all going to play out two years down the line? Maybe I'll get hurt trying to safeguard yourself It's just like you can like I said these moments just become so full of these good feeling experiences Now you're the kind of high-value woman that a man can't wait to commit to right because kind of a rare person Who knows how to do that right cladden? Yeah. Yeah Yeah Yeah, beautiful. I love that it works. I mean Don't get me going on. I can just talk right It works in all areas if you're like, yeah, what you know, if you can make yourself feel good right now Now you're gonna start attracting experiences that assist you not like okay Once I get the commitment, then I'll be happy then I'll feel secure and safe You have to feel secure and safe within yourself first Now you're gonna attract a guy like I always say you attract a mirror image of your own masculine energy right so if you if you're Committed to yourself if you're I mean if you feel safe with yourself That's what's going to attract him if you trust yourself now you can attract men who who you can trust There's so much that goes into that But yeah, anything else you want to say about focusing on the connection rather than the commitment Well, I'm just sitting over here being impacted Helena by those those great ideas. So so thank you. Um Hmm Yeah, I think that if we're looking for security in a relationship and we're outsourcing our sense of safety into another person Um Then what ends up happening is we are subtly using that other person to try to fill some type of existential hole that we have within ourselves And so the more that we can do the work on ourselves inwardly In service of creating a deeper relationship with self So then that's what we bring again as an offering as something to give rather than we're trying to get something from them Um It will transform all of our relationships, right? It makes you magnetic people want to be around it Oh, yeah, I mean And also, you know, it's like if you're looking to a man on some level to make you feel safe and secure It's like you might hear a guy might give you a little reassurance and validation and it feels incredible, right? But he can't he's just another human being he can't keep that going forever So if he's the source of those good feelings, it's like a it's like a drug effect I've found it can't last like you're always going to need more and more of it in order to feel satisfied And eventually you're going to kind of crash and burn because you can't get any more of it from another human being So you have to learn how to feel connected to yourself I always say the way to connect to a man's heart is always through your own heart first It's just the only way right if you're up in your head trying to create some connection or stir something into creation Right. It's not it's just it's not sustainable. That's what I found, right? I mean, what are you talking about? Absolutely. Yeah, I I think that's that's exactly it And I love the way that you put it You have to connect with your own heart first in order to connect with his And and that is that is the absolute truth because if you can't connect with your own heart You may not recognize it when he's connecting with yours Right and and I've seen this happen is where it's if someone doesn't actually experience that connection with their own heart First when someone is trying to connect with their heart, they're either suspicious of it Right. I think oh, he's trying to manipulate me Or they're just like wow, he doesn't actually see me because I feel worthless and he thinks I'm amazing So he's not actually in touch with with the real me and then there's a self sabotage cycle that happens so the more that you can connect with your heart like Helena's saying and Realize your worthiness and and that be the place where you source your happiness It just adds that security and that stability to where at every step of the way when you're with a guy There's a level of trust that you can bring to the dating and courting process where you're not freaking anxious because your Your because your whole idea of love is riding on whether he accepts you or commits to you or not Yeah, it's almost like a trust in life right if you trust life You don't really have to worry about trusting a man as long as you trust yourself and just trust that Things are always working out for you. You're of course, you're gonna get what you want and you're totally worthy of that And and your desires are inevitable and it's like what's your world viewer? What's your belief system that's operating here? And you know, if you don't if you don't believe those things you might be like grasping yet I try to like control a guy or get what you want. Um, let's see what people are saying Really, you are amazing. Clayton Emmy says Thank you. Yeah, but find myself doing that a lot trying to figure out what is going on and where he's going Someone else that I just focused on spending time with my man and enjoying the moment not futurizing I used to do that, but then you have zero control over a man. It's a waste of time too Someone else that not even that is also draining and time consuming life is supposed to be fun Yeah, life is supposed to be fun. I I totally agree Um You have to love yourself first the maximum that he can love you as cat by how much you can love yourself I actually totally agree with that. I think the degree to which, you know You you love yourself is the degree to which a man can love you. Um, yeah There's so much more to say for the 127 people watching live this like what do you Should we bring Clayton on again? I feel like we should do more videos about because I know we're like way over on time Would you want to like I probably shouldn't ask you while we're live because you're gonna feel like you have to say Absolutely not They're talking about this stuff. Elena. I don't know Just joking Yeah, I would love to do more videos. Yeah, I know we're probably like way over. I've been I totally lost track of the time Yeah, everyone around 20 in. Yeah. Oh my gosh. Okay. Yeah, just like flew by so let's go. So those are the five Let's recap those five. Um Clayton. Do you want to do that? Well, do you want to? Yeah, I'll sure I'll do it. Okay first one The first one is that creating a vacuum internally and externally actually creating a space For a man to come into your life and step towards you and continue pursuing you Really throughout the course of the whole relationship Second one is giving him the green light but maintaining boundaries at the same time That's trusting yourself feeling strong and secure on the inside Which is what allows you to be soft and open and vulnerable and receptive on the outside so that you can There's something to compel him to keep coming towards you. Um, the third one is being his sanctuary I talk about that in terms of space and softness creating that space for him to come towards Rather than uh, another obligation what to pull away from when he's stressed or burnt out Number four is allowing yourself to be impacted by him and then as a bonus we kind of um, you know Allowing him to be impacted by you a lot of these go both ways, right? Number five is focusing on the connection rather than only, you know Having your eye on that commitment or the the finish line. I hope I did that. Okay That was great. That's why I wanted you to do it because I I knew that you'd bring another flavor to it that I wouldn't Okay, yeah, okay. Awesome. And I know you have a bonus a bonus secret Clayton, right? Do you want to talk about that? Do you have a bonus secret? Oh my god? I didn't think that we were going to bring the bonus secret out. I forgot about but bonus secret is alive and well and uh the bonus secret is to Learn about the unconscious roles That you may be playing in your dating life and in your relationship life And then begin to drop them and choose something more authentic So, uh, what I mean is that there's two roles in particular that um, I'm just going to open up here I'm going to crack open and then I'm going to give you an opportunity to learn a little bit more about it One of them is called the discarded and the other one is called the defended And these are often roles that women can fall into where they are Either treating themselves in a way where they are continually being discarded by men Or they're showing up and they are consistently defending themselves against men And uh, sometimes we can go back and forth depending on the relationship that we're in But identifying these archetypes and noticing perhaps the origin of them and where they uh, where they came from And how they start to express themselves in connection with a man Is the first step to beginning to drop them and actually bringing this more courageous connected to your heart um idea that helene was talking about so, um Can I tell tell them about the webinar? Is that all right? Absolutely. Yeah, I was going right there Yeah, Clayton has a free webinar for 130 or so people watching why it's in the description right now You can go check it out. You might have to close the live chat if you're on a phone But yeah, totally freeze the first link in the description. So yes, please tell everyone about the free webinar Yeah, so uh, it's called the three keys to attracting and keeping a high quality man And it doesn't matter whether you're single whether you're going through a breakup whether you're in a relationship right now Uh, what my uh fellow business partner and another coach what we open up after working with thousands of people in these One-on-one territories we open up three secrets to attracting and keeping a high quality man The first one is dropping the unconscious game or the role that you're playing that you're not aware of that is sabotaging love from occurring um The second one is actually beginning to understand the organizing question the one question that every guy is asking inside his head That has him Uh, determine whether he's going to move forward with you or not Once you understand this question, it makes getting his world the things that he's not articulating A hell of a lot easier and then the third one we begin to talk about feminine vulnerability from a way that um, is a little bit more dimensionalized and It's it goes a little bit deeper than what you may have heard of in the past So, uh, I highly recommend it. It's some of the best content that my fellow coach and I have put out there It's in the link below you can register for a time that works for you if even if you can't attend We'll get you the replay as well. So we'd love to have you on board and Join us for this this free content Amazing. Yeah, totally free. Right. It's totally free. So everybody go check that out. It's clinton jack together are so awesome You if you I mean, I'm sure everyone has seen your youtube clinton has an amazing youtube channel by the way So everyone go subscribe over there I think it's on the feature jib you go to a featured channels on our channel It's one of those we can get include a link to that too. So this was amazing clinton Oh my gosh, and ever there are so many people everyone stayed all the way till the end I can't believe it. I didn't realize how the time You know it just went by so fast. So thank you guys so much for sticking with us till the end Anything any lastly words of wisdom or tips clinton for women who want to inspire a man to pursue her Well, I'm just gonna say that I'm really grateful For you bringing me on board and I'm asking such great questions and sharing your experiences and Reflecting your things from your your feminine perspective. I love it. I've learned a lot on this call just listening to you I was like, wow, I haven't thought about it like that or use that kind of language. That's great Really? Wow. Yeah, so it's super affirming and I would say that that would be my my last thing to leave everybody else with is that The more that you can bring gratitude into exactly what's happening and where you're at The more magnetic you're going to be and the more that you're going to bring That type of energy and things to be grateful for into your life. So That would be my my last tip Amazing, I love that. I don't want to keep you know get going on another challenging because I know we're way over on time again We're saying more Clayton. Yes, please bring it back on. You're both amazing. Love you guys Oh, I think Matt posted a link to your channel. So everyone Yeah, I know yeah, Matt's watching I love that Matt's watching. Yes He was Matt and Clayton have known each other for like 15 years. Isn't that crazy? Yeah, he's a good man I was giving him a hard time for not watching my live stream. So I'm so happy he's watching Let's see I've watched most of Clayton's videos. I love them. I'll definitely check out the webinar. Thank you I'm on it Clayton. You're one of the best. So yeah, it's Clayton. Everybody loves you I would love to have you back on again if you like That would be great. Yeah, so thank you so much. This was amazing and um, you know Feel free to give this video a like and a comment Let us know your experiences with this in the comment section if you guys are watching the replay of this We love hearing from you. Check out Clayton's webinar and um, thank you so much again, Clayton I hope to do this with you again soon. Thank you. Take care