 The Jaws of Slit Brewing Company of Milwaukee, Wisconsin presents the Halls of Ivy starring Mr. and Mrs. Ronald Coleman. I was curious. I tasted it. Now I know why. Slits is the beer that made Milwaukee famous. If you like good beer, you'll find it pays to be curious and learn about slits for yourself. Halls of Ivy. Halls of Ivy. Halls of Ivy. Welcome again to Ivy. Ivy College that is in the town of Ivy, USA. You know, many people think of a college president as a man who spends most of his time worrying about his school's financial situation. Now this is a profound misconception. A college president does not worry about money most of the time. He worries about it all the time. And Dr. William Todd Hutter Hall of President of Ivy is no exception. At the moment he and Mrs. Hall, the former Victoria Cronwell of the English stage, are in a taxi on their way to a dinner party in which Dr. Hall is to be the guest of honor. Mrs. Millison Foster, their hostess, is very wealthy and the predominant is in sight. Mrs. Hall says, I do like dinner parties. Do you know what the main course will be? Main course? It means. There is nothing that Mrs. Foster likes to serve her guest so much as a celebrity, major or minor. She should be very happy this evening then. In your black tie, you're quite a placey bitch. Thank you. And with not as safety unafraid as the major celebrity she originally intended to have tonight, he disappointed her at the last moment. Oh? Yes. If he led with his right, it was knocked out in the sixth round and thereby ceased to be a major celebrity. And she was forced to settle for a college president. Poor woman. She is not, thank heavens, a poor woman. She's one of the richest in town and one of the loneliest. That's why she fridges away so much of her wealth on trivialities. I've been trying for over a year to guide her interest into more constructive channels. Like, say, gymnasium constructing for libraries? Yes, exactly. I have a feeling that when we leave tonight, I'll have a nice fat endowment check in my pocket. I have the same feeling. Mr. Merryweather told me you've made a very great impression on her. Yes, I suppose I have. I mean to say, I have some respectable degrees and I've written a few good books. It's a good look that I've impressed her, not a good book. Oh, nonsense. Nonsense Victoria. I've never heard anything so ridiculous in my life. Good luck. You. You really think so? Of course I do. I'm not the only one. Every co-ed on the campus is mad about you. You're just saying that. Really? This is as far as I can go. Driving? You took the words right out of my mouth. Sorry, folks, it's a deep tour. I didn't know nothing about the road done to construction. Oh, will it take us much out of our way? About eight miles, approximately. We'd have to go over that bridge and all the way around. How long will that take? Almost 15 minutes. Merry. Ten of eight now, and Mrs. Foster's very party about punctuality. Supposedly walk the rest of the way. All right. Driver, how far are we from 383 Hyerson's Road? Nearly 12 blocks, only. I don't mind walking. You do think we can make it by eight? Oh, we can do it easily. All right, here you are, driver. Keep the change. Thank you. Do we just walk straight ahead? We've never been out this way before. Just straight ahead, almost. You can't mess it, but there are long blocks, and you better walk fast if you want to be there by eight, practically. Thank you. Well, that's how to Victoria. Mr. Millyweather, the entire Board of Governors in fact, has told me how insistent Mrs. Foster is that the guests arrive on time. Well, don't worry, Todd. It's 12 blocks in 10 minutes. We'll be there by eight. It's only that I don't want anything to mar the impression I've made that the Board is rather counting on me to bring her into the fold of donors. I hope that we... Well, what a revolting-looking animal. I... look, look, Victoria. You have seen such a... such a mongrel in your life. It seems to be all the dogs ever bred, wrapped up into one. Well, I find the dog a little appealing. The way he sits there looking at it. Don't let the prune in in that comic strip. Maybe stop for a moment to take it. Well, I will run one pet only, if you don't mind, darling. No time for more. Oh, Lord, this is affectionate, isn't it? Well, you're happy to see us onto your bus bowing. We'll give you off. Look, this is certainly all that you have to say. Vicki, I hate to interrupt this passionate courtship, but... if we're late, we're liable to lose a large endowment. Yes, we are. Yes, we are. We are. Yes, we are. Oh, sorry, darling. Goodbye, dog. I think it's lost. He's had a collar on his neck, but no license. No, he probably belongs to the house just behind this wall. He's said a dozen times today, and on the whole, he lives much better than North peculiarly than the average instructor. No, I think it's lost. Well, why don't you think so? Because it's following us. He seems to have no place in particular to go. Go home, sir. Go home. How does it seem, though? Go home, sir, or madam, Mr. Gates. Oh, Lord, he's doing all these tricks for sitting up and rolling over. Oh, Lord, the upright, old, small, big, bad dog, too. Victoria, please, darling, don't encourage him. We don't, sir. Don't, sir. Oh, he only wants to kiss you. Victoria, no one can accuse me of being anti-dog, but any desire I have to be slobbered over by a mongrel's stray at this particular moment is so small that it borders on the microscopic. We simply haven't the time. Now, I've got to chase him away. Don't be startled. I'm going to shout at him. Go away! Go away! And if he's gone, he'll be dead. Dad, did he look at him around? Please, let us hurry, Victoria. I hope he'll be all right. Of course he will. He was all right the years before we came along, and there's no reason to suppose he won't be all right the years after we've departed. Nice. They run over or something. Mm-hmm. Simply isn't our problem. I'm sorry if I seem callous, but in wangling an endowment for certain ruthlessness... Oh, God, he's been hit. Oh, God, he hasn't been hit. I'm sure he hasn't been hit. I mean, aren't you? Ah, I have a queer feeling in the pit of my stomach. I mean, he was so alive just a minute ago. He would buy me a chance, so... But it's late. We're going to be late. We...we...we'd best go back and see if he's all right. Sorry, take my hand. This is ridiculous. As much as a million dollars waiting for me, and I'm running in the opposite direction. I've had nightmares like this. It may not be as much as a million. Well, even if it's only half a million, it's ridiculous. How will we get him to a vet? Of course we can. One of these houses is great. Hold it, Victoria. Hold it. It's safe on children. It's safe on children. Oh, yes, yes, yes. What seems to be the trouble? Er, is Doug annoying you? No, not at all, officer. No, he's a very friendly dog. Too friendly, in fact. He's been following us for the last 10 minutes, and it seems likely to go on ad infinitum. I mean, he seems likely to go on endlessly. I know what ad infinitum means, mister. What makes you think I don't? Oh, I beg your pardon. What makes you think I don't know what ad infinitum means? Simply because I'm a policeman doesn't mean I'm an ignorant. Well, I wasn't sure. It may surprise you to learn that I have a degree in police administration from Fordham University. Oh, if I seem patronizing. I'm sorry. Well, it's just that I'm tired of people who have a stereotype conception of a policeman. How would you like it if people had a stereotype conception of your job? Well, as a matter of fact, they have. My job is teaching. I don't have to tell you how many jokes I hear in the course of a year about absent minded professors. Doesn't it get you down? Little kid called me a flat foot yesterday. My feet happen to be perfectly arched. I could show you. Yes, I know what you mean. You know, there was a newspaper editorial last week in which teachers were called lung hairs. I'll leave it to you. Is my hair long? Yeah, William, I don't want to interrupt this coffee talk, but it's getting very late. Oh, yeah, yes, of course. An officer, this dog seems to be lost. Have you any idea where to belong? Well, I'm new on this feed. I have no idea whose dog it is. Oh, well, my wife is afraid, and I am too, but it may be run over unless someone takes care of it. Maybe place it in your hand. What would I do with it? I have eight more hours before I'm released. The sergeant drives fast to check up on me, finds me walking the dog. I'm liable to wind up patrolling way out on Marie Antoinette Plaza near the garbage dump. Why should take it with you? Well, we're on our way to a dinner party, if we came with a stray dog. I see what you mean. It would be, shall we say, Utrees. How is that? Oh, yes, Utrees, of course. Yes, it would be Trays Utrees. I can't be persuaded to look after it for a few hours. It keeps you immune. I'm afraid amusement isn't what I'm here for. Look at that. I just entered a sentence with a preposition. Shows you how careless a man gets after he graduates. It's considered proper usage these days in some quarters. You don't say. Yes, that's a colloquialism. Oh, I can't say that I approve. I am a curious. So am I. Particularly when it comes to dramatic construction. I agree. But the matter of fact, I devoted an entire chapter to it in my book, Grammar and its effects on social behavior. Oh, I've read that. If you write it, please. It's terribly late. Oh, yes, I'm sorry. Good heavens. Look at the time. It's the past eight. Officer, what should we do? Forget about it. It's not your problem. Exactly what I said a few minutes ago. Now, come on, Victoria. You'll probably pick it up tomorrow. Exactly. We can bet. But don't catch it. What do you do with it? Take it downtown to the pound. The pound? Well, isn't that where they... What do they do there? Wash, comb, bed, kept very comfortably for one week. And after that? Gloria Mundai. Oh, no. You mean it's done away with all those parties? Surely there's some more. Well, there is. Thank the dog by the scruff of the neck and watch him from house to house. All right, officer. We'll try it. Good night, lady. Good night. Good night, officer. Thank you. Ever read Senator Bell's tribute to his dog? Yes, yes, I have. Fine rhetoric, don't you think? Yes, fine, fine. Fine. William? Yes, yes. Good night. Good night. Oh, what are we going to do? Do? I'll show you. Come here, come here. I know what I'm going to do with you. I'm going to find your home. Now, Mrs. Foster is not going to like it. So do you know what it's after cost me to get you home? A million dollars. Yes, it is. A million dollars. A million, a million, a million. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. I was curious. I tasted it. Now I know why. Slips is the beer that made Milwaukee famous. Before we return to the halls of Ivy, let's hear the story of how one man developed a taste for family parties and slipped beer. Well, ordinarily, I look forward to family parties like I look forward to two weeks of rain on my vacation. Oh, but I take one exception. There's a certain relative of my wife who can win me away from my fireside any day. He's the one who introduced me to slipped beer, and I still thank him for it. I remember when this relative first invited us over for a family get-together. My wife wanted to go, and I didn't, so we compromised and went. On the way over, I visualized a dismal evening playing some game like charade, which I happened to particularly detest. But things began to look up the moment and he waited us at the door and said, I hope you won't mind if we don't waste the evening playing silly parlor games. And when I discovered that we were both live, I said, well, I began to think of my host as more of a friend than a relative. It was just about then that he brought in the slipped beer. Now the evening was full of pleasant surprises. I'd heard many good things about slips and had always planned to try it. So, try it, I did. Never have I tasted a beer as satisfying. As I drank, I found myself hoping that this particular in-law would throw another family party very soon. And I found myself saying, as surely others have said in tasting this fine beer, no wonder they call a slip a beer that's made an Milwaukee famous. As we return to the halls of Ivy, we find a rather irritated Dr. Hall walking with Victoria and a huge, friendly, very lost dog in the general direction of the hall of Mrs. Lewis and Foster at whose dinner party he's supposed to be guest of honor. They are now almost a half hour late. They go off the steps of the small residence. I do feel ridiculous, Vicki. I'm not exactly dressed for the sheets at field trials, you know. Never mind, darling. I'm very fido. Yes? I beg your pardon, but does this dog belong to you? We were just- Mr. Nothing belongs to me. I'm being evicted tomorrow. You might as well find a home for him, too. How do you do? Good evening. We've- I know. Thank you for coming so promptly. Our own doctor is out of town, or we wouldn't have bothered you. But in every respect, it's a serious cause. But we were just trying to- But you're just a tiny moment late. The ambulance got here first. Angela raised the baby's view in a second. She's a transition hospital doctor. Oh, what a lovely dog you are. Good night. Oh, well. How do you do? Have you lost a dog? No, but I'd like to. You don't quite understand. We've found a dog. Are you from a quiz program? No, but we have a dog here, and we don't know where he lives. Well, I ask him, Mr. I ask him. I'm busy. 24 of them, Toddy? I'm thinking that Tido here is no ordinary dog. In fact, I suspect he's been planted here by some rival in competition for Mrs. Foster's dough. Excuse me, endowment. Father, perhaps, or Yale, we've covered the entire area and couldn't even give him away. Some people are very callous to other people's sites. Might a ghostful life dog to buy this? This dog? The ancient Marino, but the Albatross round his neck. Well, don't be dicky, darling. You've done a good deed so far, and I love you for it. Remember virtue is its own reward. I can see myself explaining that to the board. No, I didn't manage to get an endowment last night, gentlemen, but I was kind to an animal. They're not likely to canonize me for that and call me St. William. I suppose not. A dog. Man's best friend. Another mess exploded. Dicky, you've more influence with this monster than I. I mean, make him stop doing tricks. You can talk to him. Can I time to go away? No, no, no. Better not. We may very shortly require a performing dog to burn our bread when we're out for the tin cup. Well, anyway, Mrs. Foster's never going to believe our story unless he's with us. There's a car coming down the driveway. Can't even be careful. That rover's from here. There's a good chap. Well, it looks like Mr. Wellman's limousine. Oh, is our chairman of the board to be a guest for Mrs. Foster's excuse me? Well, now that I know of, he's never been known to miss a free meal in his life. Is that you, Mr. Wellman? Dr. Hall, are you aware, sir, that you are more than one half hour late? Well, I'm very sorry I assure you. I shall make what I hope our adequate apologists and Mrs. Foster and the other guests at the dinner party. Dinner party? There is no dinner party. Not any more. Oh. Mrs. Foster begs her guest to excuse her, retire to her room. Oh, my. She was extremely upset, and I don't blame her. I would be too if a guest of our not one of my dinners failed to make an appearance, failed even to have the courtesy to teleport. Mr. Williams, we had a perfectly good explanation. Perfectly good, maybe true, strong a term, but it leaves us an understandable one. On the way here, we encountered this dog which appeared to be lost. And have you taken the position of dog catcher as a sideline? Well, the dog seemed to be lost, and we feared it might be run over by an automobile. Not taken to the pound and destroyed. No, we tried to learn where it belonged. We should have spent a bit more time considering where you belonged. You belonged at Mrs. Foster's dinner party. Do you know what she did just before I left? She tore up a certified check made out of the school. No. Tore it into tiny pieces, like it for my eyes. A check for one hundred thousand dollars. Oh, no. Yes. Needless to say, I am far from happy at this transfer date. I think events would have to turn a complete summer thought for you ever to be happy, Mr. Wellman. Nevertheless, I am not bubbling over with happiness myself. I think you are very heedless, Dr. Hall. I'm of the opinion the rest of the board will agree with me. I don't wish to discuss the matter any further tonight. There is no necessity for you to go on to the house. Mrs. Foster has gone to bed. Well, I shall still try to see her to tender my apologies. You're wasting your time, Dr. Hall, again. Good night, Mr. Wellman. Good night. Carry on. Well, that's that. I'm very sorry, not only for the money, but because I rather like Mrs. Foster than ever intended to offend her. Let's see, understand your explanation and you needn't agree that you acted for the best. Fine words, but there are no partners. But a soft answer turned it away raw. You really think I can make her understand? All you know is well as I do, but when you set your mind to it, you can charm a bird right out of a tree. The charming Mrs. Foster out of a high dudgeon may prove a bit more difficult. You may only be in a low dudgeon. I can't remember when I approached a dinner party with so much anxiety. I can. Let's dance at the French Embassy in London. When you were first caught in this, it was a long time ago. You remember it? Yes, of course, I remember. It was the ball to which I had not been invited. Oh, you were invited. At least I was, and I invited you. I don't think I ever felt so unsure of myself. I almost ran away as we approached the Embassy building. If you hadn't been in my arms, I think I'd have both. I never was more nervous in my life. What do you think of your time? You sure? You're sure I look all right? These evening clothes aren't mine, you know. I had to rent them, even these cufflinks. You look extremely handsome and distinguished. I wish I felt that way. Actually, I feel something like Cinderella. Try not to be alarmed if at midnight these tales and white-tie vanish and you'll see me standing there in shorts and a pumpkin. Oh, I should carry it off with all the stuff I say at my command. I shall say to one and all, my dear, I haven't do her the latest rage in America. Of course, I realize no one's going to notice me. You're so beautiful this evening, everyone will be looking at you. Oh, no, I know. Not really. I feel beautiful when you look at me like that. Oh, dear. What is this one? Your opera hat is collapsing. Oh, no. It's been deflating all the evening. Oh, you seem to be balancing an untidy pancake on your head. I told the man something was wrong with the door. Vicki, let's turn back. It's not just my copper, all my clothes. Stop it, stop it. Except that hat, which you can carry. You're impeccably dressed, and you're going to have a really interesting evening. Stop worrying now. Is this a razor's pie with your frigging ear? Who sits it for you? Yes, ma'am. The oddest thing about your eyes, Vicki, they change color. Sometimes there is blue as a lake, and the other on deck, than which nothing is blue. At this moment, your eyes are almost violet. I keep a large variety on hand. But if a woman comes in and makes them for me, we shall end the night. Try not to touch that tie, then. I wish we had known each other longer, two years instead of two weeks. Two weeks and two days. If we had, you'd know by this time that I'm not always like this, but I enter in most situations with a certain aplomb. It's just that an embassy ball is rather a rich and sudden change of diast. The college professor is on a sabbatical. After your first case, you'll wrap it up and come back for more. I'm not so sure of that. You know, this is very different from a social gathering at home. There I have the confidence and assurance of being known and of being good standing. But here, among these old titles, these medals, decorations, these shining rewards of a great empire for distinguished services, oh, it's frightening. No, it's not frightening, William. It's very, very brave. You're as much of a knight in armor as any of them. That's the title. My dear, don't forget that to me, you're William the Conqueror. What? What was that you said? No, no, no, don't, don't, not yet. We can't afford another moment today, will we? Ah, let the ambassador wait. I want you to say that again. Ambassador? Wait for Mrs. Foster Foster. Mrs. Foster? What? What? Oh, Mrs. Foster! Tati, where were you? At an ambassador's ball in London, my dear, with a pestle on my head. Oh, no. Is it no time for daydreaming? Oh, good heavens, no. We've got to apologize to Mrs. Foster. We'll stay here with you then. Good evening. Is Mrs. Foster at home? No, no, no, wait, please. No, don't shut the door. We wish to see her to apologize. Mrs. Foster? Someone for me? Yes, madam. And is it told that we would like to apologize, Mrs. Foster? That would be all, Curtis. Yes, madam. Mrs. Foster, we are so sorry. You've got to accept. Believe me, such a thing was furthest from our thoughts. You seem to have a positive genius on milk and water words. But didn't even notify you. If you didn't disagree about it, you must feel for the help I could have given you. No, no, I assure you. This is really the last straw. Your discrepancy on top of everything else. So I went already carrying as much as a mortal could be expected to bear. The last straw, Pete, he lost, ran away, disappeared. Oh, she wouldn't understand. Pete? Is that by any chance the dog? He's not just a dog. He's my dog. I've had him for years, and suddenly he... He's not a raw-bones, cloppier, bushy-tailed. He and Mrs. Foster. He's the reason we're late. We were trying to find his home for him. We... one moment. Pete, Pete! You bad dog, where have you been? I thought you'd been stolen or killed. Dr. Wall, he may not look... but he's a very rare and valuable dog. I can't tell you how valuable. If it were anyone of less consequence than you, Dr. Wall, I should offer him a large test reward. Would you, Mrs. Foster? Well, if I may make a suggestion. I was curious. I tasted it. Now I know why. Slips is the beer that made Milwaukee famous. Now, here again, our Mr. and Mrs. Ronald Coleman. Wasn't that wonderful, college girl? I'm sure she was. Mrs. Foster gave you an extra $50,000 for the college. The reward is virtuous. No, no virtue of mine. You might just as well give credit to the town planning commission. If the road hadn't been under repair, we wouldn't have had to walk and wouldn't have seen the dogs. Why not thank the taxi driver? He told us to take the short cut where we found the dogs. If he'd taken the dogs as we wanted him to, Mrs. Foster would never... Mr. Clark would have frightened the dogs. Oh, the beautiful wife of the horrible man who drove the car that frightened the dogs. No, it's not. Oh, I'm sorry, my dear. Good night, everyone. Good night. See you next week at this time at the Halls of Ivy starring Mrs. and Mrs. Ronald Coleman. The other players are Herbert Butterfield, Janet Scott, Jane Morgan, Herbert Bygren, Jack Proustman, Jerry Hausner. The night script was written by Walter Brown Newman and Don Quinn. It was screened by Don Quinn, directed by Matt Wolfe, and presented by the Jaws of Swift throwing company of Milwaukee, Wisconsin. Next, listen for We The People over most of these NBC stations.