 we know you know and just want to make it clear that the psych in psych2go is short for psychology so the terms we use are usually referring to an actual classification or an actual psychological concept not the casual speak definition so in this case a people pleaser isn't just someone who does nice stuff for people it's a practice where you're nice to people for all the wrong reasons and perhaps aren't aware that they are the wrong reasons perhaps you tell yourself certain justifications because the truth is hard good is not always nice look at batman force of good yes nice the battering says no or jack power good yes nice you're joking right the truth can be uncomfortable and perhaps you need some explanation on how being a people pleaser is actually selfish let's break it down number one it consumes you leaving no room for anything else selfishness in its most basic form is thinking of yourself and that's what a full-on people pleaser does the majority of time and energy that's spent on obsessing about what other people think of you the starting and end point of any thought up scenario is you and you 100% of your thoughts where other people are involved is based on what can I say to fit in or how do I act so they view me in a good light or are grateful to me thoughts like what do they actually need or how can their situation be helped or squeezed out especially if doing the right thing involves opening a can of jack power on someone too it's mainly about helping yourself and not about helping them when someone asks for a pleaser's input or opinion on something and their answer is carefully curated like a bonsai tree only leaving in or embellishing the prettiest parts whilst discarding the rest entirely who is that really for sure the asker feels superficially satisfied but the real prize is a boost in self-esteem the pleaser gets by seeing their work flourish like I made this moment happen I made them feel shiny and I am the light in the darkness I okay let's not get carried away here why is this selfish because instead of taking responsibility for their own self-worth they make outside scenarios for feeding perhaps it's from an extreme fear of rejection or conflict regardless the bottom line is still that the goal is a feeding source rather than helping someone else in fact it's often harming the other person in the long run because they've been essentially told a lie number three you look for approval and validation from others building up the last point the people pleasers own insecurities make them constant external validation hunters which involves also proactively baiting the trap for approval and not just responding nicely when asked for input as they're constantly worrying about garnering disapproval or being dismissed by others the people pleaser will try to be recognized and accepted by everyone they may also perform random acts of what they think is pleasing expecting a reward for example a pleaser gives their friend a truly random surprise gift not for a reason like the friend was feeling down and the gift might not be something the friend ever wanted so the reaction may be muted the people pleaser feels sulky and betrayed because they were angling for adulation and gratitude the hard truth is that we only control ourselves our own thoughts and our reactions not other thoughts or reactions number four you start from a place of emptiness more like a vacuum the emptiness of space there's a need to be sated that sweetness that's being offered isn't from a place of happiness and fulfillment there is no cake the cake isn't just a lie it's an angler fish lure drawing others in to feed its belly healthy true pleasing comes from when the person is whole solid and happy with themselves their assistance is to share the joy growth and knowledge to spread goodness in number five you take away the personal agency of others definitely help your friend if needed but forcing help is another story the overbearing over helping does more harm than good it enables and encourages people to not do or think for themselves when the people pleaser insists on helping despite their own needs and wants it sets up a situation where the other person owes the pleaser the pleaser is claiming responsibility of others feelings thoughts and actions it's basically theft kudos to you for watching and listening this video this very well could mean that your heart is in the right place and you want to do better and help others that starts with being good to yourself understanding that being truly good means finding and maintaining that middle ground between meeting other people's needs and meeting your own it can be tough especially if you've been firmly on one side for a long while pro help is out there to guide you on the path of authenticity so you're not without a map did any of these points make you see your actions or another's actions in a different light what examples of nice things are you wondering if they're just people pleasing comment share discuss and tap that like button but don't do it just to please us do it if you truly like thanks so much for watching and we'll see you soon