 As of recording, we're a mere week away from a new Indiana Jones gracing us on the big screen. So to celebrate this monumentous event, I thought it would be fun today to look back on the most celebrated, the most critically acclaimed Indiana Jones picture of the four we have so far. I am of course talking about Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. And if you're not picking up on that thick layer of sarcasm I'm laying down, then you might very well like this movie. Let's talk about it. Sarcastic insults aside, I remember seeing Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull in theaters when it hit. And my reaction upon walking out was, wow, that was certainly something. I didn't outright hate it. I didn't go online and say that it ruined the franchise like many did. I don't even know if the internet was around that I'm like a dinosaur at this point. I was however very down on the flick. And I thought maybe time would heal those wounds. So I would go back and rewatch it with fresh eyes, with hungry eyes if you must. And unfortunately it's not gotten better with age. So join me today by dusting off that old hat and grabbing that trusty whip as we dive into Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull fuck. The film opens in the 1950s where some American graffiti rejects are racing against Uncle Sam's finest. Probably a nod to that old George Lucas film that's a lot better than this one. We do also get font type that I absolutely hate. It's an outlined serif that gives the title of the film a couple of people in it. I hate this font. I know it's a small gripe. It's a little nitpick and we have plenty more to talk about. So let's push on. These hooligans race past area 51 where this opener is going to take place. Some villains show up, one of which the leader goes down and ties his shoe without even looking at what he's doing. His men take out the troops but I am just focused and in awe of this guy that doesn't miss a beat tying that shoe. I can't do the rabbit ears without looking. It's an impressive feat when you're under fire like that and it's one I wish the movie would have delved further into. This guy's little trick that he does with the shoe tying but alas we have an Indiana Jones movie to watch. We have our first great shot of the film which is a silhouette of Indiana Jones himself dusting off the hat, putting it on and he stands next to his buddy Mack who's rocking a tender mascot around that neck. Kate Blanchett gets out of another car. She's sporting a terrible haircut. She also has a sword and a thick Russian accent. I can't understand a lick of what she's saying. She then uncomfortably tries to profess her ex-mind read Indy and after failure says, all right well why don't you show us where this thing is we're looking for. We have a nifty little scene where Indy takes gunpowder, drops it and watches it as it trails off to wherever this magnetic thing is they're looking for. Two things, one this is actually a fun little sequence. I quite enjoyed the camera work. I enjoyed the use of effects here and two it's remarkable that this is the only thing that's magnetic in the entire warehouse. Kate Blanchett haircut opens the crate revealing an alien hand inside. This is the perfect opportunity for Jones to get the jump on the man but alas it's short-lived as his buddy Mack double crosses him and reveals he's working for Dr. Spellco which I guess is the name of Kate Blanchett. In this movie so far I want to point out things are going pretty well. This is a great chase scene. We have Indy whipping around on lights, smashing into cars, punching people with those old iconic hammy sound effects. Occasionally we have some modern CG which looks horrendous like when the car blows through crates. There's like 50 crates here that blow up from this tiny little vehicle. It seems completely ludicrous but that's least of this movie's problems. After a small tussle Indiana Jones falls through a window onto the set of X-Men 2 X-Men United specifically Stryker's Lab. He ends up seated on a rocket chair in EMCH 72 whatever the fuck that is. Now our boys on the set of Oppenheimer where they're going to test an atomic bomb. Unfortunately for him timing was the worst here because this thing's about to go off. He thinks quick and does the only thing any rational person would do in his situation. He pulls out of the contents of a fake fridge and gets inside of it. The camera makes sure to pan over where it says lead lining. That's important because then you can survive an atomic blast and also getting thrown miles and miles into the air and smashing and rolling and tumbling on the ground about a thousand times. You just roll out of that thing and you're perfectly fine. It's just science. At one point in time this was considered a bit much an implausible situation that takes you out of the realism even if it is silly the realism of Indiana Jones. By today's standards it's pretty tame. Shit Don Toretto would drive through that nuke head on and his trusty Dodge Charger come out clean on the other side not even a scratch on him or the car. This sequence would lead to the term nuke the fridge which is a callback to jumping the shark from the Fonzie happy days basically saying hey you had a good thing going and then you nuke the fridge in this moment and it's over. It's an implausible situation which ruins the credibility of everything. I don't have that problem. Indiana Jones has always had nuke the fridge moments like jumping out of a plane onto a raft. I mean this stuff is crazy. It's pulpy. It's campy. It's indie. Plus we get my favorite shot in the movie out of this which is Jones standing up trusty whip by his side iconic hat and he sees that mushroom cloud in the distance. It looks freaking fantastic. This will be where the movie goes downhill going forward but we have this small little introduction that I think is pretty tight. Alright he's hosed down and grilled by agents about his involvement and then we jump to where he's back at that college where he's been working for his entire existence. He gives a class lecture then he heads back to his office for a nice conversation with his old buddy Horace Slughorn from Harry Potter. Specifically Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince but I'm losing track, I'm losing focus. There's also a nice photo of Sean Connery on the desk implication being that his dad's dead. He also says that his dad's dead. That's when you play the sad slower version of the song. Nostalgia. Enter Mutt Williams aka Shia LeBeau. Shia LeBeef. Shia LeBeau. He's rocking a stupid Newsy's cap rolling through the steam on his motorcycle on his hog. This greaser has a sit-down with Indy informs him that his dad died a long time ago and he's really hard up on finding the crystal skull. The skull's location? El Dorado. The same place where his mom's currently residing because she's looking for the skull as well but she's also being hunted down by some bad guys. His mom's name is Mary which sounds an awful lot like Marion. A character from the first film. I'm sure there's not going to be any relation there at all and I'm definitely sure his dad's dead. Let's keep going. The KGB is also in this college bar where Indy and Mud are at and they overhear this conversation and all hell breaks loose. Ladies and gentlemen we have ourselves a good old fashioned car chase with Indy riding bitch on this hog. This is a solid chase scene where we see much grease lightening his ass through the college campus. Some really good stunt work on display here. Mostly practical effects as well. After a riveting little display Jones finds himself deciphering clues which lead us to Peru and now we're off to the races. We're going on an adventure. We cut to mutt strapping down his Harley inside of a plane because god forbid a motorcyclist go anywhere without their dumbass loud look at me machines. Sorry. Projecting a little. I have a neighbor down the road that's got a loud motorcycle that he insists upon driving at all hours of the day. We get it Mike. You have a motorcycle. Whoopity fucking dude. I don't honestly know what happened next in this movie. We went from mutts sweeping like he's never held a broom before to reveal some hieroglyphics or some shit to now we're at night and there's ninja guards attacking our team. It doesn't take long for any to dispose of them and he has a fun little trick he does by plugging the end of a dart and it shoots backwards. It's pretty fun. They find a catacomb which contains sacks full of preserved bodies one of which has a crystal skull just just sitting behind it and they find it because some of the coins get magnetized and go. Magnets work weird in this movie. Some coins from some pennies from across the road will go right over to that thing but a sword or a gun or anything that just sits fine. That doesn't move at all. A little bizarre but again there's plenty of other issues with this flick. Mack and the gang conveniently show up right after this moment and they kidnap Indian mutt and now we get a terrible transition where we have the old timey map and the plane going and you see the red line this is where the plane's going. It's a nice callback isn't it? No it isn't. I never liked that technique of showing a shitty photo and then having a line go it's terrible stop doing it. We're now in a tent where Mack is trying to convince Jones to join their cause but I'm absolutely distracted at this point. I'm not listening to them because in the background there is some awful dancing taking place at a fire pit just just miserable. What are they doing? Nobody dances like this. Alright Kate Bad Accent has entered the tent she's gonna try to get some information out of Indy. She pulls out the crystal skull and is gonna use it to try to get information out of Indy because this thing's got magical abilities. Mutt meanwhile is off in the corner combing his dumb ass hair for the 14th time in this picture so far and now we jump to another bag of bones entering the flick and that's Marion. Karen Ellen's back baby reprising her role from Raiders of the Lost Ark. What we have here folks is a strong female lead and quite frankly it's about time. After Indiana Jones decipher some crayon drawings on a piece of paper it's determined that these are actually directions to where the crystal skull is supposed to go. Mutt decides this is the perfect opportunity to go for an escape so we sucker punch as a dude and they take off into the woods but the gang doesn't get too far before Indy accidentally steps into a dry sand pit and no I'm not talking about Marion's snatch. Subscribe. No it's like quicksand and Marion is actually in it too these guys are knee deep in this stuff so they have to figure out how to get out and that's when Mutt has the brilliant idea to toss a giant snake at them. Snakes. Why did it have to be snakes right is what Indy says in every movie and he grabs it and he gets pulled out and then they check the snake and it's a fun little moment. Oh my god it grazed over the most important pieces of this while they're in the sand and Marion is pretty sure she's gonna die so this is the moment when she decides that Indy should know he's actually Mutt's father. What? I don't think anyone didn't see that coming and Mutt's real name is Henry named after Mr. Jones himself whose real name is Henry we learned in the third film. So now we have Harrison Ford being a deadbeat father in both of his major franchises Star Wars is Han Solo in Indiana Jones. It's perfect that's how I like my heroes never being around. We effortlessly transition to a giant CGI monstrosity chopping down different trees in the Amazon. This is how it chops. After a family squabble in the back of a truck our third chasing kicks into gear and this one is a complete cluster fuck. Indiana Jones dive bombs like four guys in a different vehicle. Meanwhile we got Mutt swashbuckling against Kate Hairshit in front of a terrible green screen and this whole sequence caps in what has to be one of the most embarrassing things ever put on film in cinematic history. After getting Austin Powers judo chopped off the back of the truck Mutt finds himself hanging out quite literally with a pack of monkeys. Instinctively he starts swinging from vine to vine at a speed of no less than 90 miles an hour because that's what it would take to catch up to these trucks and catch up he does. He swings into the side of Kate Blanketerre and right into our hearts. A couple of monkeys attack her as well she takes one chucks it at the camera who then saves his own ass by Tony Hawking up the side of some branches. That was cool. I want to see more from the monkey. I want his story. Monkey Hawk, the movie. They aren't out of the woods yet though folks. Fire ants! Millions upon millions of fire ants are making their way to our heroes and look out. Here comes no look shoelace guy taking on Indiana Jones. Now they're in a one-on-one cage match or ant match if you will because Crystal Skull is down there which is keeping them at bay for some reason. It's got powers man. We don't question it. Some of the ants get wise and make a DNA strand upwards where Kate Blanchett is hanging from a tree nearby. One of the ants climbs up this strand tippy toes its way up her leg and right into her Kate Blanchett but before he gets too close smack she cracks that fucker in half with her thighs. Never have I envied an ant so much in my life. These fire ants do take out a couple of the bad guys and it's like Mortal Kombat fatalities. These things are like the scarab from The Mummy for some reason. They're just feisty little things. The ants then try to steal Indiana Jones hat but thankfully he snatches it up last second and the world collectively breathes a sigh of relief. They almost got the hat. They get into a vehicle where Marianne Jurassic parks their ass into a tree that slowly drops them into the water below like they're inside of a Roadrunner cartoon and that tree snaps back hitting a few of the soldiers off the side of the mountain. One of them might have held up a sign that said Yikes and then he fell and then the sign suspended for a second and then it went to. They make their way to the crystal skull temple where a bunch of those guards pop out of pillars again ready to fight ninja hand-to-hand style. They run through a really fake CG version of apocalyptic being chased by a bunch of these guardians. Professor Oxley who's been with these guys the entire movie but I've yet to acknowledge until now because he's such an incredibly lame character tells them how to get through this labyrinth to the main chamber where this head can be laid to rest because he has a connection with the crystal skull because he's had it for a long time and I don't know I really don't care. The Russians massacre the entire tribe and show up to catch India and the gang just in the nick of time. Indiana Jones skull fucks the door which then opens revealing a rotunda featuring several thrones with several alien bodies complete with a head except for one and it's the one that he has so he has to give alien head. Kate Bullcott explains how the aliens have a hive mind and then Humpty Dumpty is that alien's ass back together by returning the skull. Much like Indiana Jones these aliens want absolutely nothing to do with mutt so they start to take off. The room's spinning stuff's breaking all over the place. India and the fam leave except for Kate she wants all the secrets all the knowledge of the universe bestowed upon her but the information is too overwhelming it's too much for her to take in and so Kate alien in the wash quantum shittier haircut blows up as one obviously does when getting fed too much information. Indiana Jones thankfully had a bad feeling about this and they made their way to a nearby well I guess where water rises up and blows them out like a geyser to freedom. They climb up the side of the hill just at that very moment when the ship takes off it's revealed that the rotunda is actually a UFO. It levitates off the ground getting ready to take off like Han Solo giving the middle finger to Kylo Ren and boom it's no more. Mutt informs the family that he needs to head out on his own adventure presumably to find a new comb because his hair is disheveled and he hasn't combed it in five minutes. The movie ends with Henry Jr aka Indiana Jones Jr. marrying, marrying, marrying, marrying, after all these years after all this time. His son Henry the Mutt Williams is there and intercepts Indy's hat as it starts to blow away because of a gust at the front door of the altar. Mutt grabs it starts to put it on but not gonna happen buddy. Indy snatches that son of a bitch just before he can put it on his noggin and lands it on his own. Harrison Ford turns this shy and says not on my watch implying that there's no way in hell shy is taken over this franchise which I can guarantee you he won't be in this new flick. I doubt we'll see Marian either. Just a hunch. And that's Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. Fuck it's not good. It's also not the worst thing ever but I don't ever want to see it again. Spielberg attempted to make this old school looking like the rest of them but it came off as cheap and just me too try hardest. Doesn't have the right tone to it. The green screen feels so out of place. There's a soft feather and glow to everything. I just it's not a good looking film. Outside of the beginning act that starts out on a decent enough number everything just goes further and further into downhill shenanigans until the point where I just want it all to be over. Harrison Ford is still solid as Indiana Jones but he's definitely showing his age and having an older gentleman still jumping around whipping on things does not quite hit the same way. It is definitely a franchise that's a young man's game and so I'm very scared about what this new Indiana Jones is going to be like when we have Harrison Ford now in his like 70s or 80s. I have a hard time believing it's going to be anything too special but hopefully I'm proven wrong. All right I want to hear your thoughts on Indiana Jones and the Kingdom and the Crystal Skull. Did you see it? Do you love it? Am I wrong? Is this underrated? Misunderstood? Another great adventure in the Indie saga? Or are you more on my side of the camp where it's not good? It is watchable to an extent but I don't want to watch it. There's so many better movies out there and this franchise has some great ones so why end on such a crap note? All right let me know. Like the video if you had a good time. 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