 That's the theme from the Sears Radio Theatre. Tonight's story is a comedy with Andy Griffith as your host. Here's a preview. Varen, I'd like you to scan this and give me some idea of what you've read. OK. OK? Yeah, I know it, but I don't comprehend it. I should wonder. The Sears Radio Theatre will begin after this message from your local station. This is Andy Griffith. The Constitution of the United States says that all men are created equal. Well, if you take two newborn babies and put them alongside one another, I guess you might say one's as good as the other. But we all know that from that point on, they're going to part company forever. One might turn out to be a bum, the other might turn out to be a politician. I think I'll take that last statement back anyway. There was the case of Vern Burwick and the remarkable story of his advancement. I'm going to relate the story of my advancement because Mr. Griffith asked me to. I never thought of myself as being anything special, barely made it through high school, but I've done worthwhile things. People thought it was peculiar that at 32 I'd still be living home with my mother and dad, but we all got along. Of course, being my parents, they always expected more of me than what I was. As parents, your mother and I expect more of you than what you are. And like I said, I never thought of myself as anything special. So when I got the job at Slocum's Automotive, I fit right in. Fact is, I was so excited when Mr. Slocum gave me the job, I memorized all the parts manuals the first three days. And Vern, where can I find a cotter pin for the rear brake assembly on a 55 Cormorant? In box 43, aisle 6, Mr. Slocum. It's part number three, ABJ for John 3862. Thank you, Vern. It was easy. I just remembered that song. I figured I was very well suited to my new job. I didn't anticipate that that was just the beginning of my advancement. And that's just the beginning of our story. Radio Theater, a new adventure in radio listening. Five nights of exceptional entertainment every week brought to you in Elliott Lewis' production of the Sears Radio Theater. Our story, The Advancement of Vern Berwick by Shepard Minkin. Our star, Jerry Fogel. The Sears Radio Theater is brought to you by Sears Robock & Company. Where America shops for value. We were discussing the advancement of Vern Berwick. On the surface, from what we know up to this minute, it was seen he's an ordinary sort of fellow, not remarkable in any particular way. And yet, while Vern gave me his word, he'd tell off. That's what I'm counting on him to do. Vern, I still can't get over how time goes past. For instance, I worked eight years at Slocum's Auto Parts, during which time they added onto the building and took on two new men. Every year we got new parts manuals, about the size of six telephone books, and I'd thumb through them to see what changes were made from the year before. After a few days, I'd know all the new numbers and everybody would say, how do you remember all that stuff, Vern? But that happened to me all the time, and it got so, I didn't pay it any mind. I'd just get up in the morning to go to work, which was the worst part of my job, which mother and dad must have noticed. I know you don't like to hear it, Vern, but dad and I are concerned. I know, mother. I guess you know about what? Well, no, not exactly, mother. Is it about getting married, my job, what I ate for lunch yesterday, or whether I'm regular? I hope you're not being smart with your mother, Vern. No, dad. It seems to me, Vern, that the five-dollar-a-year raise they've been giving you every year doesn't keep up with inflation. You've got a good mind on your son. What about talking to old man Slocum about advancement? He probably advanced me right out the front door. That's no way to think, son. The Bible says, ask, and it shall be given under you. I know the whole Bible by heart, mother. There's nothing in there that says, thou shalt not get fired. I hope that's not blasphemy, son. No, mother. It would be well remembered that when the good book was written, they didn't know about inflation. There's absolutely nothing wrong with asking for advancement. All right, dad. I'll talk to Mr. Slocum today. I just hope he's in a good mood. Mr. Slocum was at his messy old desk when I came in to see him. He was reading a book propped up so I could read the title, Management for the Thrifty by Claude Hart. When the door closed, he slowly put down the book and looked up, examining me like a side of beef at the local auction. I'm glad you came up, Berwick. I've been wanting to talk to you. That's fine, sir. Then we can talk to each other since I wanted to talk to you, too. You're fine, Berwick. Berwick? Yes, sir. I suppose you know that in order to stay in business, an organization must show a profit. Yes, sir. Well, you can be sure, Berwick. Then if we don't show a profit, we don't have a business. And without a business, you don't have a job. And without a job, well... Say, you're not a communist, are you? Lord, no, sir. Well, I would hope not. It seems, according to this book I've been reading, that our profit margin is not commensurate with the volume of merchandise turned over in the organization. Is that right, sir? That's correct, Berwick. Now, every year you get two weeks' vacation with pay, right? Yes, sir. This year I was planning to go... And we've got to keep you squared with Uncle Sam and your social security every week, don't we? Yes, sir. And there are four or five other little financial matters that Slocum Auto Parts has to take care of all for your benefit, you understand, Berwick? Oh, and I appreciate it, sir. Well, all those expenses have to come from somewhere. And you know where that somewhere is? Well, I'll tell you, it comes out of profits. Gee, that's terrible. Yes, it is, Berwick. Now, we can't cut down on purchasing. After all, a part costs whatever the suckers want to charge us for it. No good bargaining with the auto company. I guess not. All we can do is pay them what they ask and pass it on to the customer. Now, accounting is one place we might be able to economize, but bookkeepers come high these days and it wouldn't do to fool around with their salary. Oh, no, sir. No, there's only one place I can think of that can help increase the company's profits and create a healthy business climate. And I'm counting on you to help us along in this drive. Oh, anything I can do, sir. Berwick, I want you to take a $5 a week cut in salary starting Monday. And if the other men in your department will cooperate in the same way, Slocum and company can begin the new fiscal quarter on a firmer footing. Well, sir, I was hoping to break the news gently to your man, Verne, and let me know if you have any trouble with anyone. Worst thing in any organization is troublemakers. I'd like to be sure of everyone's loyalty. Yes, sir. All right, Berwick, you can go now. I'd like to get back to my book. Who shared at Slocum's auto parts? Now, a man who's memorized everything in the parts manuals in his stockroom. Well, we just know that a person like that isn't going to stay put. What we expect is his advancement. Verne, would you continue? Of course, I knew what was happening. I didn't have to be a lawyer to know I was being took. All the time, Slocum was talking about why I had to take a salary cut. I was trying to think how I was going to tell Charlene Louise. Charleau, that's what everyone calls her. She was my girl. You might say I'd been dating her ever since I started working at Slocum's because she was the cashier there before she quit and went to wait tables over at Irma McInerney's man-sized eats. I've been telling you for years that the only way you're going to get anything out of that miserable son of a wretch is to threaten him. Well, that's silly. You don't get things by threatening people. Wrong. I'll get extra tips every day for not serving poison. What? Well, when that old lady cooks up a batch of meatball hash, I know some of those customers are going to die. So when people ask me what's good, I tell them stay away from the meatball hash. And for that, I get extra tip money. Well, that's not exactly honest. Lonnie, how am I different than the US Surgeon General? I just inform the public about what's going to kill him. Anyway, what's all this got to do with old man's slokum and you're getting a $5 pay cut? Oh, I ain't never going to get married at this rate. How are two salaries together? Couldn't pay the rent on a pup tent. Well, I tried. You tried. You let that badger walk all over you. You're a clunk, then, Burwick, just a dull fud. And if I didn't see you walking up straight once in a while, I wouldn't think you had a fine at all. New Charleau was right. And besides, there was no point in arguing with her. She was a lot stronger than I was, especially in her mind. Well, she had big biceps, too, from lifting those trays of food. But that didn't bother me. She was feminine enough. Anyway, about then, I decided to do something about my life. I felt like an egg about to hatch. I didn't know what I was going to be like or what I was going to find outside after I broke the shell. But I had to make my move. Mother and dad had their ideas. Well, you've got nothing to blame yourself for, son. You did what you had to do. I just can't imagine him cutting your wage after all these years. It doesn't seem like the Christian thing to do. After all, a rich man can't get into heaven anymore than you can get a camel through the eye of a needle. What's that? Old man Slokum could get camels through needles if he had to. He'd get big needles and a camel blender. I don't like that talk, son. But I always say, what good is wealth anyway? You can't take it with you. Wealth is nice to have if you plan on sticking around for a while. I don't know what to tell you, Bern. In a way, I feel responsible. Oh, it ain't your fault, mama. I did what I should have done a long while ago. My timing was off, that's all. The plug didn't spark when my piston was at top dead center. I'll just have to find another way to advance myself. I don't get low too often. But to tell you the truth, I felt pretty miserable seeing how mother and dad were feeling responsible for my failure. All those years, they kept pestering me to advance myself. Then I had to run into Old Man Slokum. And he'd shot me clear through like a 42 caliber dumb dumb going in one end and coming out the size of a buffalo chip, carrying my heart and ambition with it. I went into my room and thought I'd sleep for a spell and wake up with new ideas. I laid back in bed and reached to turn on the radio. I was just between being awake and momentary peace when one of those important messages they kept hitting you with melted through and started to mean something. The distance between my ears closed in, and I started putting words together. You want to understand more of what you read. If you want to increase your reading speed 1573 times faster, do as many have. Try the Shane Eluction School of Speed Reading. Read the entire telephone directory in seconds. In as little as four weeks, you can appear to be important. Don't spend all Sunday reading the times. Put on your rubber finger and thumb through it. And best of all, remember what you read. Yes, you will remember. Now it's possible to read legal papers and hold a grudge indefinitely. Just call toll-free 311-555-4891. That's 311-555-3682. There. Now, did you notice that wasn't the same number I gave you the first time? I knew that. You never would have let me get away with that if you took the Shane Eluction course in speed reading and remembering. The number again, 311-555-4891. Call now, there's no obligation. Just send $20 for registration and overhead. That's cool. I just heard your commercial on the radio. I'd like to increase my comprehension. Well, why don't you give us a try? This Sunday, we're having a free demonstration of 11 in the morality room at the Sidney Land Motel. Just register when you get down there. I'll be looking for you. This is a recording. My lord, a recording? Seems like there's nothing real anymore. Right at that moment, the only bright spot I could see in my life ahead was the idea that I might be able to do what the radio commercial said. Increase my reading and comprehension 1573 times faster. So Sunday morning at 11 o'clock sharp, I was at the Sidney Land Motel sitting in the morality room with about 20 other guys. Good afternoon. My name is Shane Eluction, and I'm simply delighted to see such a wonderful turnout this Sunday. It gives me a warm feeling to know that everyone here wants to improve himself in one way or another. It was hard for me to believe that I was watching and listening to the real Shane Eluction. I felt all feverish just to be near such a famous person. So I mean, I must have heard her commercial a hundred times. She wasn't only smart, she was beautiful. I couldn't believe what was happening to me. Suddenly I knew what my direction was. I could see my advancement clearly ahead. So I paid in my money and three times a week for the next month I attended classes in a loft over a Chinese restaurant. Shane Eluction herself was my teacher. And to give me even more certainty, she told me I was making progress faster than any student she had ever had. She didn't seem to be able to get over how fast I was going. I'd like you to scan this and give me some idea of what you've read. Okay. Okay? Yeah, I know it, but I don't comprehend it. Well, I should wonder. No one can thumb through a book that size and get much out of it. I guess not. How much of it can you tell about? What do you mean? Well, I mean, did you see any of the words? Can you remember any of it? Oh, yes, ma'am, I remember all the words. It's just that I don't know what they all mean. You remember all the words. Would you like to say some of them? Beginning where? Well, I don't know. Do you recall anything on page one? Oh, yes, ma'am. Summer is a coming in, loody sing cuckoo, growth said and bloweth med, and spring is the wind, new sing cuckoo. I don't know what that means, you see. I don't believe this. Do you remember any more? Oh, yes, ma'am, I can recite the whole book. From the text to Gioffrey Chalker, 1340 to 1400, and Smale Fowles' makin' melody that sleepin' all the night with open ye, so prickish hem nature in her corriges, then long and full to goon on pilgrimages, the Canterbury Tales Prologue. Shall I go on? Vert, you have just memorized an entire book of quotations. Oh, yes, ma'am, and the index too. It's very true that some little acorns, giant oaks, will grow. By the end of his second week at Shane-Election's speed-reading class, Byrne Burwick had thumbed through a book of quotations, and in less than 10 seconds had memorized the entire book, including the index. Seems like this little acorn has just been planted and rained upon. If you would continue. Well, the next few weeks just whizzed on by. Ms. Luchin paid more attention to me than anybody else in the class, and it was hard for me to tell if I was happier with the way everyone was making a fuss over my progress, or whether it was my looking forward to seeing Ms. Luchin three times a week, because she sure was a good looker. Anyway, Charlew and I were beginning to have bigger problems than usual. Well, as I see it, all you're doing is throwing out good time and money, improving on what you already do better than anybody else. You've got a photographic memory, so what? How's that gonna get us married any sooner? Well, I don't know yet, Charlew. All I know is I've been going to the library after work every night, and I got all the books from A to F memorized. I know everything from Ardvark through Fulcrum. Now, that's gotta come in handy. Why? Oh, that's just a freaky thing you're doing, Vern. Where's all that reading gonna get us? And what do you know now that you didn't know before? Oh, man, Fulcrum isn't gonna give you a raise because you know about Ardvark. Well, what about antennas, anthracite, anthrozoa, anthropometry, apocalyptic literature, bacteria, balance, Byzantine architecture, catamarans, chemistry, there's one. Did you know that analytical chemistry has for its purpose the determination of the constituents of which a substance or mixture is composed by methods which are qualitative when the identity only is ascertained or quantitative? Holy, man, who do you think you're impressing? Well, I'm not meaning to impress anyone, Charlew. Lord, if you can't see the importance of knowing all this stuff, I don't know what I can do to please you. You can go out and get yourself a high-paying job. That's what you can do. Come on, Charlew. Why do we have to argue all the time? You never kiss me anymore. How's kissing gonna fix things? Well, kissing's the beginning of everything. Sunlight kisses the earth, water kisses the seed, woman kisses man. You've got a poetic nature there, and that's the trouble with you. Nothing wrong with that. Roy Sulfur writes poetry and he's president of Sulfur's Pumping Service. Well, I gotta admit he makes pretty good money. Givoret is poem, The Septic Tank and Me. You're a kid. No, Ben Flatley says he might get a prize in local literature from the Chamber of Commerce this year. Well... How about a kiss, Charlew? Charlew... I didn't know what was happening to me. After all that time, my earlobes stayed just as cold as ever and I kept my eyes open when Charlew kissed me. I never minded the pain before when her diamond-studded butterfly glasses scratched my face. But now it hurt like the devil. And I was sorely tormented when she took my hand off the back of her head so I wouldn't disturb her lacquered beehive hairdo. For a flesh there, I saw another face while we were smooching. It was the countenance of the kindly, soft-looking, gentle-mannered Shane election. But back to the matter at hand. Mother and Dad didn't know what to think of my new efforts toward advancing myself. And when Charlew spoke to Mother on the phone regarding me, it didn't help. Hope to Charlene this afternoon. Oh? How come she called in the middle of the afternoon? She thinks you're wasting your time with this speed-reading business. She's ignorant. Why, Byrne? That's no way to talk about your future bride. I've been thinking, Mother. Dad, I don't comprehend everything I read, but I'm beginning to understand a lot more than I used to. You've got a good head on you, son. Man, it's getting better. But I'm deeply troubled because things are getting clearer and clearer in my mind. Why should that trouble you, son? Because I'm stupid, Dad. I won't hear talk like that. No, I'm stupid. I feel like Adam when he bit at the forbidden fruit. All of a sudden, Charlene doesn't stimulate me anymore, Mother. Byrne, what a shameful thing to confess in front of your mother. Maybe we ought to have a man-to-man talk, Lurie. No, Dad. After all, if I'm going to bring a woman into the family, it's everybody's business. He's got to point there, Mother. There's a part of marriage, however, that should be secret, son. For heaven's sake, Mother, Charlene and I have never done anything but kiss. Well, I should hope not. Are you joking, son? No. And you know I've never seen her with her hair down? She says it's too much trouble to undo, and I can't see it down until we're married. I got a feeling it's going to be more than her hair that's a letdown. And all you do is kissing. But you see, I can't even talk to her anymore. All she knows is what goes on at Irma McInerney's man-sized eats. Yeah, I know everything in the public library from A to F. I'm not sure what you're doing is right. It seems to be that if the good Lord wanted us to work more with our heads than with our hands, he would have put two heads where our hands are. Would you mind saying that again, Mother? I wonder what your grandfather, Byrne, would have done. He was married to your grandmother, you know. You were named after him. I know, Mother. It seemed like no one was really pleased with me anymore. My job at Slocum's auto parts wasn't much of a challenge to me. The guys in my department all took a $5 a week cut and somehow imagined I was responsible for it. Every time Old Man Slocum looked at me, I felt I was to blame for decreasing his profits. Charlene only nagged at me now, and Mother and Dad just pestered me as usual about the same old things, advancing myself and getting married. More and more, I look forward to my speed reading class and that lost over the Chinese restaurant. I felt like a cat being stroked and comforted every time I was near Shayna Luxion. I'd memorized all the books in the public library up to W when it happened. Why don't we go downstairs and get something to eat? Shayna Luxion asked me to take her out. You know, for an ordinary Chinese restaurant, the food is excellent. I could only stare at her. I suddenly realized my throat was getting dry because my mouth was hanging open. We were looking at each other eye to eye. Up till then, I peeked at her only when she wasn't looking at me. I could hardly stand it. They have the most marvelous pressed duck. Do you like pressed duck? I had pictures of two embracing Chinese pressing a duck between them. I couldn't imagine why anyone would want to press a duck, but I said, just love it, just love it. There we were, sitting and looking at each other, and my heart was beating like a kid running a stick over a picket fence. I wanted to talk to you, Vern, away from the others. I'm mighty grateful for that, Miss Luxion. There's no need to be grateful, Vern. Indeed, I'm the one that's grateful to you. And please call me Shayna. Oh, yes, ma'am. I mean, Shayna. You are a very gifted human being. I suppose you know that. Well, if I am, I sure wish the good Lord would let me in on what he gifted me with. You must be joking. I honestly feel that the genius you possess is absolutely unique. Well, someone ought to tell Old Man's Slocum. He cut my salary $5 a week to 105 clams, and that's not even take-home pay. What a waste, Vern. With talent like yours, you could make millions. I've already made millions, millions of problems. Come on, Miss Luxion. I'm 32 years old and I'm still getting taken. Emotionally, I'm 15 years old. Well, I'm considerably less than 32, Vern. And I can tell you truthfully, you are one of the rarest people I have ever heard about. You mean you like me? I think you're sensational. And I hope you trust me. Well, of course I trust you, Miss Luxion. I have a business proposition to make to you, Vern. I want you to be on a TV show. I want you to be an expert on shoot the expert. I'm no expert on anything. My life's a mess. All I know is auto parts. Vern, you're an expert on everything. You memorized every book in the public library. Well, I don't know. May I... may I lean over toward you for a moment? Why, Miss Luxion, you kissed me. Those not that he knows should be awakened to what he knows. It would be very interesting to see how you trap a man who knows everything when he appears as an expert on a TV show. If you're up to it, Vern, tell us. I swear, I don't know what happened. All of a sudden, the famous Shane Luxion of radio commercial fame was kissing me in a Chinese restaurant. My head was buzzing around. It must have been as red as a sky in a sandstorm. But that was only the beginning. Soon after that, she arranged with the TV station to put me on their show, shoot the expert. They made a bigger-than-life-size cut-out photograph of me mounted on plywood. I was wearing a cap and gown like I had just graduated from college. They screwed a loudspeaker on the wood where my head was and then gave me a microphone offstage so my voice came out of my photograph. Three guys and two hefty-looking ladies sat in the first row of the theater with shotguns. I was doing just fine for the first 15 minutes or so. Sir, my question is about rockets. I want to know when were the first rockets used and who used them? The rocket was used long before our era. It was used by the Chinese, Arabians, Greeks and Persians to send signals and to set enemy encampments on fire. Well, so far, we have a perfect score. Vern Berwick, 120, Hunter, 0. And now, Clay Birdwell. It's your turn to stalk the expert. Remember, only questions which can be answered in detail will be accepted. Questions that can be answered by yes or no will automatically be disqualified. Mr. Birdwell, in the not-too-distant past, the passenger pigeon was so plentiful that numbers blackened the sky over many areas of the United States. And if men hadn't been such greedy buggers, that pigeon wouldn't be extinct today. That's correct. Well, my question is, what effect would passenger pigeons have on today's environment if they were left unmolested? Oh, well... Mr. Berwick seems to be hesitating. So the question, ladies and gentlemen, does not require an answer of simple facts. It's true that Mr. Berwick has memorized the entire public library. However, I think our contestant, Mr. Birdwell, is onto something. His question asked for a personal opinion, a question which I'm going to allow because such a conclusion might be worked out mathematically and may not be considered pure conjecture. The time clock is nearing zero. Mr. Birdwell got off a good one, ladies and gentlemen. With one shot, he almost completely removed the head of Mr. Berwick's photograph. And since Mr. Birdwell has his quarry on the run, he goes again. Mr. Birdwell, the ancient Romans contributed heavily to the laws by which we live. But so did other societies, the Greeks, the Hebrews. What would our society be like without the contribution of Roman law? I knew he had me. He was asking questions that required my personal opinion. I only knew what was already in books. I hadn't worked on having personal opinions yet. And the clock! Of course, the loudspeaker was protected by a metal shield, but after a few more questions like that, the head on my picture was completely shot off. Hanging by the loudspeaker wire and swaying back and forth in front of my belly like a pendulum on an eight-day clock. I felt like I was a failure, but I didn't even suspect what was about to happen. It wasn't your fault, Vern. You couldn't be expected to answer questions on things you weren't familiar with. Oh, it doesn't matter, Miss Luxon. And Mr. Berwick, you were quite amazing. What's important really is that everyone had a good time. We are simply delighted and privileged to have a person of your caliber on our network. And it certainly doesn't affect your fee. After all, $2,000 isn't exactly soil conditioner. Did you say $2,000? Oh, Vern. Isn't that sweet? The news of being paid $2,000 and Shayna kissing me again strained my ability to stay vertical. I managed not to pass out, though, because the door opened like a wind and somebody's secretary blew in. Mr. Vasek, the governor is on the line. And the chairman of both the Democratic and Republican National Committees. Joe, I have put the governor through to my desk. Miss Finch, and get numbers on the others. Tell them I'm in a meeting with the governor. What can I tell you? Politicians were calling like mad. Big corporations wanted me to take over executive positions. By now, I had memorized almost everything in the public library, and it started reading books in bookshops on statistics, management, and mathematics. My confidence in myself went from 2 to 9 on a scale of 10. My advancement was progressing full speed. Here, come in. Oh, you. Here, you've been making quite a name for yourself on TV, Berwick. What do you want? Oh, I don't want anything, Mr. Slocum. Well, then, what are you doing up here? I don't particularly enjoy looking at you. Well, sir, no disrespect intended, but you are the ugliest, evil-tempered, greedy gentleman I've ever known. And I mean that kindly, sir. What? You're an avaricious grabber, Mr. Slocum, and it's no longer my intent to be in your employ. I would therefore appreciate it if you would accept my two weeks' notice of resignation from your establishment. I don't need two weeks, Berwick. Very well, sir. I suggest you read the nice manager. Don't you tell me what to read? Just you clear out of my building as fast as you can. I rather expected you to behave this way, Mr. Slocum. I was attempting to behave in a civilized manner, but apparently... No! Mr. Slocum threw his paperweight at me. It hit the wall beside the door, fell onto a chair with a protruding spring, bounced once and hit the floor. I smiled defiantly and in a devil-may-care fashion left Mr. Slocum looking apoplectic in his narrow little rat's nest. I hope you know what you've done, son. It was a calculated move, mother. What does that mean? It means, Dad, that for the first time I have direction. You never mentioned Charlene Louise anymore. No, mother. As far as I'm concerned, the only score Charlene can make is on her brake drums. She'll have to deal with Mrs. McInerney's meatball hash without me. Through the TV station, I kept getting important mail, and I even met with some of the important people they told me to see. I certainly am glad to finally meet you. You've become quite famous, you know. I don't believe I know what you do, sir. My name is Herman Bogman, Vern. You may call me Mr. Bogman. Yes, Mr. Bogman, what can I do for you? Well, sir, you have a very rare gift. I suppose you know that. No offense intended, sir, but I wish you'd get to the point. I could make you president of the United States. Why? You don't understand, Vern. I make presidents. I make senators, congressmen. I'm in the business of creating political figures. Well, I hear what you're saying, sir, but I don't see how I qualify. You know everything, Burwick. Don't you understand that if knowledge is power, you can be the most powerful man on earth? I wouldn't know how to stop wars, sir. I don't think I'd know where to start on inflation. There's a lot needs doing, sir, that requires great decisions, and I have no opinion on hardly anything. That's just the point, Vern. The boys noticed that about you. That's why they sent me to see you. The less opinion you have, the better. We'll take care of that. Will? Who's Will? Who are the boys? The men I work with, the money people, the business people, the unions people. I don't think so, sir. I don't think I'd be happy in politics. Power. That's the name of the game, the ball after you've got everything. The only thing that's left is power. I'm sorry, sir. Oh, it's a terrible waste, Vern. I swear I could make you president. I'm sorry, Mr. Bogman. So am I, Vern. Mr. Bogman? Yes. Call me Mr. Burwick. I don't mind telling you. I was more than a little disillusioned. It wasn't only with politics. Would you believe it? The man came to me from one of the biggest corporations in this country and offered me one half million bucks, tax-free, if I'd take a job with his competitors and give him weekly reports on their procedures. That man wanted me to be a spy for his company. The more I knew, the less I liked about the world. He seemed like everybody wanted something from everybody else. And it was almost never love that kept people together. I'm so proud of you, Vern. Do you realize how you've changed in the last eight months? Yes, I do. I feel so responsible for the way you are. You're certainly right about that. I've arranged for you to speak at Kruger College on the 15th. I won't be able to make it, Shayna. What do you mean? Do you realize the trouble I had to go through to set you up there? Don't you want to advance any more? I've had an offer from the United States government. Well, that's marvelous, Vern. What sort of work is it? Medium-top secret. Are you going to take it? Yeah, I think so. I think so. When I told her medium-top secret, referring to my new job with the U.S. government, that's all I knew about it. I went to work at a funny building without windows, and they sat me down in front of a computer readout machine that looked like a typewriter, but printed lines of words almost instantaneously. I didn't know the meaning of the printout, mostly formulas and technical stuff, but that didn't matter. I was only supposed to memorize what I saw. I want to tell you that I was beginning to be puzzled about where my advancement was taking me, when one day a colonel from the Air Force got me into his office and told me what my function was to be. Well, my boy, if you're ready now, I'm authorized to tell you your assignment. I guess I was ready as I'll ever be. Vern, on January 14th, we're sending an experimental F.L.T., the biggest ever made by man, to the galaxy of Andromeda. My lord. It's the first time man will ever have left his own cluster of heavenly bodies in the universe. That's incredible, sir. Now you realize that any error in the computer system on a journey of this magnitude could mean disaster of lives, ten years' work, and billions of dollars. Yes, sir. Vern, unbelievable as it seems even to me, you have memorized everything in the master computer. That's true, sir. There is nothing in the computer that isn't in your head. That's right, sir. And I might add, sir, that there isn't anything in my head that isn't in the computer. Yes, I know, Vern. We did that so there would be a thorough understanding between you and the machine. Between me and the machine. Exactly, sir. Because you and the machine will be taking a little trip together. Who? Where to, sir? The galaxy of Andromeda. You're to be a living backup to the computer. Oh, yes, sir. What should I pack? A very good question, Vern. The round trip to Andromeda will take four years if we can, as we hope, achieve half the speed of light for your craft. Four years is nothing, Colonel. I worked eight years for old man Slokum handing out auto parts over the counter. Only got a $20 raise in all that time. Well, this will be slightly different, Vern. You must have read Einstein's space-time continuum theory. Well, yes, sir, but I confess I didn't have the technical background to understand it. What it means, Vern, is that with an increase in speed there is also a corresponding decrease in time. Try to make that clearer, sir. There's no tactful way of putting it, Vern, so I might as well come right out and say it. Einstein's theory isn't theory anymore. Although it will take you only four years to make your trip to Andromeda and back and although you'll be only four years older physically, the year on Earth when you return will be 2080. Everybody you know now on this planet, including me, will be long gone. We don't know what you'll find when you return. Vern, you'll be playing with a whole new deck. I can't tell you how I felt about what the Colonel said. Most of all, I kept thinking about my personal relations. The worst was mother and dad, but remembering the last few years, they had hardly anything new to say and being famous like I was about to be would make them proud of me for the rest of their lives. And as far as Charlene Louise was concerned, she'd probably find some truck driver named Ed and get married. And Shayna. I loved you, Shayna, and I owe you everything, but I'm never gonna see you again. Boy, am I gonna miss you. But you've got your own star to go through. I wish I had a carpet rolled right up to a dream like yours. Sure hope you get what you're looking for, Shayna. So long. The takeoff was perfect, and the two guys beside me were taking notes and pushing buttons, and the instruments were spinning around like compass needles gone crazy. The earth began looking like a model basketball, and the sky was changing from blue to black. All the stars came out, and I got the feeling a little drowsy, sinking deeper into my own thoughts when suddenly I started hearing voices. I'll come you're sitting like a dummy to talk into mission control. Maybe you'll meet a nice girl somewhere in Andromeda. All you do is sit there. Why don't you go out and take a walk in space? Son of a gun. There I was. They'd simulated the voices of mother and dad and fed them into the computer. It was feeding me the same stuff I hoped my advancement would get me away from. Wouldn't you know the machine was trying to make me feel at home? Been brought to you by Sears, Roebuck & Company, where our policy is satisfaction guaranteed or your money back. Sears, where America shops for value. The advancement of Vern Berwick was written by Shepard Menken, produced and directed by Elliott Lewis. Your host was Andy Griffith. Our star was Jerry Fogel. Featured in the cast were Hal Peary, Elvia Allman, Frank Nelson, Shirley Mitchell, Mary Jane Croft, Shepard Menken, Byron Kane, and Elliott Reeves. The music for Sears Radio Theater was composed and conducted by Nelson Riddle. This is Art Gilmore speaking. The Elliott Lewis production of Sears Radio Theater is a presentation of CVI. Music 103, Cabo XFM St. Nicholas, 24 hours a day. CVS News. It's an odd-even system of gasoline sales coming up this weekend parts of the Northeast. This is John Bohannon reporting on the CVS Radio Network. The New York City area, New Jersey, Connecticut, Washington, D.C., and parts of Maryland and Virginia are ready to try to cut down on long lines at gasoline stations. The odd-even system began six weeks ago in Southern California. Lines there are much shorter these days and said to be related to prices. A state of emergency has been declared in Minnesota because of fuel shortages. More from Eric Escalas, KDAL in Duluth. Minnesota Governor Al Quay announced the state of emergency that truckers are allowed to pick up fuel oil and gasoline at the state's oil refineries. There are numerous reports that truckers' picketing amounts to harassment of drivers trying to take on loads of fuel. State Energy Agency Director Al Johnson says the National Guard will serve as an escort for trucks wanting to haul fuel. To assure that there is no hold-up of the product coming out of refineries or terminals in any way, shape, or form. To back up the local police, the sheriff's departments, and the state patrol, that's the purpose of the National Guard. The National Guard will be standing there to back up. Even with the state action, fuel allocations for the month of June are running out and state energy officials are asking motorists to stay home this weekend to allow fuel deliveries to catch up at the service station. Eric Escalas for CBS News, Duluth, Minnesota. The Soviet Union is again warning the United States not to try to make changes in the New Strategic Arms Limitations Treaty. The latest warning comes from the Communist Party newspaper, Provda. It says any attempt to amend SALT-2 could have grave and even dangerous implications for U.S. and Russian relations and the world. Frank Church, the chairman of the Senate Foreign Relations Committee, says extensive hearings on SALT-2 will begin July 9th. Ari says he's scheduled for August, and Church says his committee plans to submit a final report to the full Senate by September 25th. A floor debate on the treaty with Russia is now expected to start October 1st. Church says most committee members want the floor debate to be televised, but he says he doesn't know if the Senate leadership will approve it. Authorities say that on April 27th, someone deliberately damaged about $30 million worth of nuclear fuel rods at the Virginia Electric and Power Company Surrey plant. Today, two former plant employees gave themselves up at a police station. They were released on bond and face arraignment on the charges Thursday. They talked to reporters after their release, and one man, James Merrill Jr., described what he and William Kirkendall did that night. We took five gallons of sodium hydroxide or caustic soda, and we carried it up to the new fuel storage area, and we poured about a cup onto each assembly that was up there. There's no way that anybody could have possibly been harmed. There's no health hazard, no release of radiation. This is new fuel that has not yet been irradiated. Merrill's as they did it to dramatize what they call operational hazards at the Surrey Virginia plants, but an FBI spokesman says he thinks they're just two unhappy workers, neither terrorists nor warriors. Crowds gathered today on the steps of the New York City Public Library to watch Julius Caesar crown with a laurel wreath. It was really 38-year-old Alfred Karl, an actor. He won the Julius Caesar Lookalike Contest among a field of 16 hopefuls. His grand prize includes a cruise to the Caribbean, and he gets to keep his polyester toga. John Bohannon, CBS News.