 Good health to all from Rexall. It's the Phil Harris Alice Fay show presented by the makers of Rexall drug products and 10,000 independent Rexall family drugists. Good evening. This is your Rexall family drugist welcoming you for the 10,000 independent drugists who have added the word Rexall to their own store name. You know us by the orange and blue Rexall sign on our windows and that sign means that we carry the 2,000 or more drug products made by the Rexall drug company. Each one scientifically compounded to do a job for you. Take Rexall's famous mouthwash, MI31 as an example. MI31 is a special antiseptic formula that kills contacted germs almost instantly when used full strength, yet will not harm delicate membranes of the mouth and throat. It's quality like that we family drugists are talking about when we tell you you can depend on any drug product that bears the name Rexall. Good health to all from Rexall. And now your Rexall family drugist brings you the Phil Harris Alice Fay show written by Ray Singer and Dick Chevrolet with Elliott Lewis, Walter Tetley, Robert North, Janine Roos and Whitfield, Walter Sharpen is music, yours truly Bill Foreman and starring Alice Fay and Phil Harris. Mr. Scott of Rexall has asked Phil to call the band together so that he might address them on a matter of importance. It must be very important for Mr. Scott has been talking to the boys for over 2 hours and as we look in he is just finishing his speech. And in conclusion gentlemen, I'd like to say that any resemblance between you and musicians is not only accidental but downright malicious. Now then, are there any questions? Yeah, who are you? I'm Mr. Scott. I represent the 10,000 independent Rexall dealers who pay for this program and I'm here to see that you do your best for Rexall. Now, any other questions? What's a Rexall? You must be pulling my leg, they can't be that stupid. They can too. Fellows, I'll explain what Rexall is. It's one of the world's foremost dispensers of pharmaceuticals. Furthermore, it's one... That's enough Harris. Their little minds are loused up enough without your explanation. I'll explain. A number of years ago a group of drugists formed the company. They needed a title to identify themselves and after many months they came up with a grand old name. Do you know what they called it? They called it Mary! Mary! Mary is the grand old name! They didn't call it Mary! Rexall! Rexall! Harris, please, you talk to them. My ulcer is starting to nudge me. Or better yet, Mrs. Harris, you talk to them. Please, Mr. Scott, you're asking me to lose my self-respect. They won't listen to anybody. How does Mr. Harris keep them in line? Well, there's one way. He gets behind a curtain and says, Now hear this. Now hear this. This is Patrillo speaking. Does that work? Well, that depends. If their union dues is paid, they ignore that too. Harris, as the leader of this band, it's up to you to see that they play properly, even if you have to teach them to read music. Them guys know how to read music. And I'll show you. Artie, read what's on your music stand. Abbey rents $2 per day. I mean the music. What does it say on the music? Shermer's book won for beginners. Oh, this is ridiculous. Isn't there anyone in this orchestra who knows what he's doing? Yes, there is. There is one man. My concert master, Mr. Remley. Remley? Why that no-talent slob? Wait a minute. Not just a minute, Mr. Scott. Don't knock Frankie. He's a pretty smart kid. He knows music. We'll soon find out. Remley, read that music you have in front of you. Say, please. All right, please read the music. What music? The sheet of paper you have in front of you. The one with the black dots. That's music? I thought I was seeing spots in front of my eyes. I haven't had my glasses changed everywhere. Frankie, listen, now, will you cut out the clowning? Now, stop kidding. Now, read your guitar part just the way I wrote it for you. Very well, maestro. It says when you hear noises coming from the other instruments, you'll know the number has started. Don't do nothing until the trombone player hits you in the back of the head. At which point you count two strum once and put your guitar down before you get in trouble. Harry, is that the way you write the music for them? Yeah, I do all my own arranging. Of course, a little tough with the violin section. They can't read English and I gotta draw pictures. Now, one of these musicians don't know anything. They've got a leader who knows even less. If you learn to read music and play yourself, maybe... Now, wait a minute. Just a minute, sir. I'm not only a fine instrumentalist, but I read music fluently. You do, eh? Let's see you read this. Very well. It's in the key of D-flat, which has five flats, is in the Alabrave Temple with a fermata on the end chord, finishing with a big piati. I'll be done. He did it. Hey, Alice, look at me. I can read music. Frankie, did you hear that? I read the music. I read the music. Exhibitionist? What are you trying to do? Show the rest of yourself? I'm not trying to show nobody up. I'm just trying to prove to them. Gentlemen, gentlemen, gentlemen, please, please. I'm tired of all this bickering and I want it to stop right now. Oh, please, Mrs. Scott, control yourself. Nobody asked you to butt in. Oh! Oh, you... I'm so sorry, Mrs. Harris. I couldn't mean to shout at you. What's wrong, Mr. Scott? You've been irritable all morning. Yeah, what's up, Scotty? I hate to see you this way. Your usual miserable self. I apologize, Mrs. Harris. I'm all upset. It's a personal problem at home. Your wife can't stand you, huh? Frank! How can you say a thing like that about such a fine person as Mr. Scott? If he's having any trouble at home, it's because he can't stand his wife. She's probably a nag who spends all his money, runs around with other... Wait a minute, wait a minute. I'm not having trouble with my wife. It's somebody else. Your girlfriend, huh? No, no, no, we got long splendid... I'm having trouble with my daughter, Marjorie. Well, what's wrong? Well, as you know, she's only 17 and she's fallen in love with a man of 40. There's 23 years difference in their ages and she wants to marry him. Well, what's so terrible about that? When I married Phil, there was 23 years difference in our ages. The one? Yeah. I happen to like older women. I don't mind the difference in their ages so much. It's just that this fellow is a fortune hunter and he's after Marjorie's money. She's got money, huh? I think I can help you, Mr. Scott. When this greedy fortune hunter comes around tomorrow and I tell him that Marjorie is already married. But she isn't married. We're eloping in the morning. You wouldn't object to your daughter marrying me, would you? No. No, I wouldn't object. I just rather see her dead, that's all. Who cares what you think? Have Marjorie meet me at her bank and we'll leave from there. And you can send what we can't carry so we'll have another... Oh, shut up! I'm sorry I mentioned the whole thing. Good bye. What's he sore about? I had a solution to his problem but he wouldn't give me a chance to tell him... Wait a minute! Wait a minute! Wait a minute! What are you doing, Artie? Well, we're playing. What do you care? Let's fetch one anything. Music, music, music... Closer, my dear, come closer... The nicest part of Bentley melody Is when you're dancing close to me So trued another nickel in In the Nickelodeon All I want is loving you And music, music, music... Music begins, Mr. Knorr Have that nostalgic! Music, music, music, music, music, music, music, music, music, music, music, music, music, music. I've been thinking about Mr. Scott's problem. You know, it's pretty serious. I think we ought to help him. I know one thing. I wouldn't want my daughter married to a fortune hunter. Now you know how my father felt about you. Oh, honey, when I married you, I didn't know you had money. By the time I found out it was too late to back out and I have suffered through it. Say, Phil, I have an idea. All we have to do is make Marjorie forget this older man she's going with. I know that, but how? Well, let's find a young, handsome, clean, cut, typical American boy that she can fall in love with. Yeah, but after she falls in love with me, then what happened? I wasn't talking about you. But honey, will you listen to me? I'm the only one to make Marjorie forget this guy. If you remember, when I met her last year, she practically swooned over me. She had a terrific crush on me. That's right. The poor, weak-minded child did. Well, let's get over to the house and you can talk to her. Hey, Curly, what makes you think you'll be able to get Marjorie to forget this other guy? Are you kidding? What are you kidding? I'm not kidding. Ah, kidding. I'll make her forget him like that. Before I married Alice, she was going with Tyrone Powell. Alice, tell him, how long did it take me to make you forget Tyrone? Ten years. And I've only known you eight years. You still have two years to go, dear. And so, Mr. Scott, that's, well, that's what we're doing over here. We want to help you. In short, as long as you're not capable of handling your family affairs yourself, we'll do it for you. That's very nice of you, Rimley. I appreciate your efforts on my behalf. And I'll thank you to keep your big fat nose out of my way. Mr. Scott, look, don't you want our help? Curly, don't ask him. Look, Scotty, we're going to help you. I don't want your help. You're going to get it whether you want it or not. Now, get lost. We got work to do. Please, Frankie. Mr. Scott, very often children resent interference from their parents. And we thought, well, perhaps, you know, we might make Marjorie understand. That's right. Now, just let me talk to her for five minutes. That's all. Five little minutes. Now, where is she? She's in the den. Do you think you can influence her? Scotty, five minutes with me and you won't be able to take her out of the house. Without a leash. Excuse me. Oh, filthy, here you go again, making a female happy. Happens to be my business. Yes, sir, I hope seeing me again doesn't stagger the girl. Uh-oh, there she is. Hiya, Margie. Hello, Curly. Got her on the ropes already. I see you didn't forget me. How could I? I once had a terrific crush on you. Yeah, you did, didn't you? Wasn't I a silly little child? Well, I wouldn't say silly. Discriminating is a better word. Perhaps, but at any rate, it's all over now. Is it, my dear? This time I'm really in love. There's only one man for me, and that's Mr. Krayle. Krayle? Is his first name Clyde? Uh-huh, Cly-Krayle. How do you like that? I always thought that was the name I made up. Say, Margie, but look, honey, after knowing me, how could you even look at anyone else? Because Mr. Krayle is more romantic than you. I'll pull yourself together, kid. This Krayle is just a preliminary boy. With me, you is messing with a main event. Mr. Harris, I know you were quite a ladies' man in your day. What do you mean, in my day? Well, Clyde is ever so much younger than you. He's only 40. Well, how old do you think I am? You must be at least 42. What do you mean? I'll settle for that. You might think about this older man when I'm available. But you're not available. You're married to Mrs. Harris. And now, if you'll excuse me, I must finish writing this letter to Clyde. Goodbye. Clyde, Clyde, impossible has happened. Harris has been rebuffed. Or could I be losing my charm? No! Poor kid must have a stigmatism or something. Well, Phil, how did you do? Well, uh, well, practically had her in the boat, but she slipped the hook. Losing your touch, huh, Curly? I guess you're not as seductive as you think you are. I am too, and I'll prove it. It's just because I'm married. She's a nice kid, and she doesn't want to take me away from poor old Alice. Look, I'll show you. Alice, all you've got to do is to go in and tell Margie that you've given me up and I... I ain't gonna do it. Honey, it's to help the girl and watch your grammar. We're just pretending. If you tell her you're giving me up, she'll be amenable to my approach. She'll think that amenable... I'm crazy. Maybe if you think it'll work, I'll try it. Now, Remly, you go inside and keep Scotty busy so he doesn't bother. And Alice, all you have to do is to tell Margie that you're giving me up and she'll take the cue. And the rest is gonna be a cinch. Now, go ahead. Wait a minute, honey. Look, leave the door ajar. I want to hear Margery pant when you tell her the news. Hello, Margery. Hello, Mrs. Harris. What are you doing here? Well, I... I have some news that I know will interest you and I came to tell you. You see, I'm leaving Mr. Harris. A very wise move. How are the kids being subtle? Margery, you don't understand. I'm giving Mr. Harris up so you can have him. What would I want with him? She doesn't want to appear anxious. Now, look, dear, you needn't pretend with me. I know you want him. But I don't want him. You can keep him. I don't want to keep him. I'm giving him to you. I don't want him. I wish they wouldn't fight over me like that. I'm not worth it. Margery, please take him. But I don't... Look, look, I'll make you a sporting proposition. You can have Mr. Harris in 13 points. Don't palm him off on me. Why are you so anxious to get rid of him? I've outgrown him. That's why I'm giving him to you. I've outgrown him, too. Hear them dames talk. You'd think I was an old girdle. Margery, why don't you take him? He's too old to make any trouble. He'll just lie around the house. No. He'll make a wonderful watchdog. He barks when strangers come in. I'm sorry, Mrs. Harris, but I already have a dog. Bet he ain't got a pedigree like mine. Well, Margery, if you're not interested, I guess I'll run along. Well, Phil, Margery won't even take you with him. I know, I know, I know. I told you. Watchdog. I told you this wouldn't work. What we need is a nice boy her own age to take her mind off this other fellow. Phil, Phil, I know just the boy. Who? Julius. Julius! I'd rather see her go steady with Cecil the C-6 C-server. Now, Julius is a nice boy and he's just about her age. But Alice, don't you... Don't argue. Go call him and tell him to come over here. Oh, all right. Curly, I don't get it. Why did you call Julius to come over? Well, it was my idea. I thought we could use Julius to lure her away from the other fellow. Fine bait. Would be kinder to throw her a hunk of dope tors meat. He's such a contrary kid. How'd you get him to come over? I appealed to his romantic side. I told him I want him to make love to a beautiful girl. And I certainly wish he'd hurry and come on... You can relax, Bob. Errol LaBruzio is reporting for duty. Well, it's about time you got here. Do you know what you're supposed to do? Sure. You thought pretty blonde away from a no-good fortune hunter. That's right. Now, get started. Okay, step aside. Miss Faye, fly with me and I'll rescue you from the clutch in his money, man. Alice ain't the girl. It's Mr. Scott's daughter. Oh, now you have to earn money. It's not me. There's another guy after her money and we want you to... Oh, Curly, what's the use? Marjorie won't even look at him. He's such an obnoxious little brat. As himself, yes. But I've got an idea. Now look, Julius, she likes my type. And I thought instead of being your usual repulsive character that you could act like me. Oh, instead of being repulsive, you want me to be nauseate. Never mind. I'd do this myself, but I'm a little old for Marjorie. But she loves my personality. She loves your personality? How about this girl? What? How'd she get hurt? She's not Daffy. She's Mr. Scott's daughter and she's a very nice girl. Please, Julius, do it for me. All right, Miss Faye, I'll go for your sake. I'll... Shh! Julius, quiet. Here comes Marjorie. Just like me in your assent. Okay. Oh, Margie, hi. I want you to meet a young friend of ours, Miss Scott. This is Julius Abruzio. Hello, Julius. I'll come with me to Alabama and come and meet my dear old Pappy. He's always spoiled, oh, so happy. And that's what I like about that sound. Yeah! What the heck was that? I think he's cute. Yeah. A-dye. Do you think I'm cute, Julius? You'll have to ask me later. I'm too busy thinking about how cute I am. Since the Nylon 90. Alice, please, tell me I don't act like that. All right, I'll tell you you don't. But you do. Marjorie, prepare yourself for a thrill. I'm taking you out tonight. Gee, you're so masterful. You ain't just beating your gums, Myrtle. Your mother and I have reached a firm decision about this Mr. Craio. Who? Mr. Craio, your fiancee. Oh, him. Daddy, I want to introduce you to a new boy I just met. This is Julius Abruzio. Julius? You mean you and Julius... You said it, Dad! Son-in-law! You are not my son-in-law! It's just been... Now, just a minute, young man. Nobody asked you to change our radio program. What? I don't care what you know about... Go into the library and talk this over. Hey, Mr. Scott, don't listen to him. Julius, what are you doing to me? Now, just what did you have in mind, my boy? Now, as I see it, Pop, all we gotta do is prove that these two guys have no talent which shouldn't be hard. Keep talking, boy. I love your style. Alison Phil will be back in just a moment. But first, here's your Rexall family drug. The other day, I was telling a customer about one of Rexall's best-known products called Bismarex. Oh, you don't have to tell me about Bismarex. I already know for myself what swell relief it is for acid indigestion. Well, as a matter of fact, that's exactly what this customer said. But wouldn't you still like to know why that's true? Well, yes. I guess I would. Well, the secret lies in the scientifically developed formula for Bismarex. You see, the active ingredients in Bismarex vary in the time it takes them to dissolve in the stomach. That way, the relief it gives is not only prompt, but continuous and prolonged. Excess acidity is often neutralized within one minute. Then, the other ingredients dissolving more slowly ease up those acid-gastric pains, and finally, Bismarex leaves a soothing protective covering on irritated stomach membranes. No wonder Bismarex is so popular. Well, ma'am, 10,000 family druggists don't wonder about it. You see, we know you can depend on any drug product that bears the name Rexal. Good health to all from Rexal. Sirius, do you really like Marjorie? Yes, she's wonderful. Now, wait a minute. Don't be too hasty, little pal. Margie's not for you. Just because she happens to have money, she's... Mr. Harris! Do you think I'm the kind of person who'd sell my soul for money? Well, no, I... Do you think I'd bother my affections for my scenario game? No. Do you think I'm making love to this girl just so I can get my hands on her money? No. How do I have to phrase this to get him to say yes? For quick relief from a winter cough, try pleasant tasting Rexal Cherisote. Cherisote goes after coughs two ways, soothing irritated membranes of the throat and bronchial tubes, and helping to loosen the cough. If your cough's really stubborn, better see your doctor. Ask for Cherisote wherever you see the orange and blue Rexal sign on the window. And remember, you can depend on any drug product that bears the name Rexal. Next, it's Sam Spade. Then Gertrude Lawrence stars on Theatre Guild on NBC.