 That's right folks, C for comedy, A for Abbott, M for Maxwell, E for Ennis, L for Luke Costello. Put them all together and they spell Camel. Experience is the best teacher. Try a Camel. Let your own experience tell you why more people are smoking camels than ever before. And draw up a chair for tonight's Camel Show starring Bud Abbott and Luke Costello. Hey Costello, Costello, come over here. Hey, by the way, what were you doing at Universal International Studios this morning? Oh, I had to take my pet flies over there. You took flies to a picture studio? What for? To get them a screen test? You idiot, who? Who was that redheaded girl that was with you? Oh, she's been chasing after me for years, Abbott. I call her pilot light. Pilot light? Yeah, she's an old flame that stayed lit. But she's a lovely girl, Abbott. She's very social. Does she have good connections, Lou? I beg your pardon? Does she have good connections? Well, she never fell apart while I was with her. No, no, no. I'm talking about her connections, her associates. Does she belong to the Junior League? Belong to the Junior League? No, she belongs to the Coast League. She used to pitch for the San Francisco Seal. Ah, Costello, I'm talking about the Junior League. Society. Has she come out yet? Has she made her day boo? Her what? Her day boo? Oh, sure. Every time she comes out, day boo. Day boo, all right? They say, boo, give me the house. Okay, but she's very, she's very high tone Abbott. What do you mean? She was born in the South of England. Oh, I see. Her family came from Wales. Her family came from Wales? Yes. I thought her conversation sounded a little fishy. Ah, Doc. Doc says, please. Well, Wales is part of England. That means they're English people. Now, what does her father do, Lou? He's got a big diplomatic job with a bakery. A diplomatic job in a bakery? Yeah, in Hell's Bakery. He's a British advisor to the English crumpets. All right. Forget about her father. What does she do? What does she do? Yes. Well, she weighs 250 pounds, and she's got a big job as a sandhog. Ah, a hog could a woman be a sandhog. She sits around the beach all day and hogs the sand. Sounds like quite a family. Are they wealthy? Wealthy, Abbott. They've got a chateau in France, a villa in Switzerland, a castle in Spain, and a hessienda in Mexico. Where do they live? In a quonset hut in Glendale. Castell, you're wasting your time with these people. Why don't you get yourself a good job? I had a good job once, Abbott. I worked for a foot doctor. I used to put birdseed in people's shoes. Birdseed in people's shoes? Sure. That keeps their pigeon toes away from their corn. Castell, please. Come here. Look, Castell, I'm only trying to help you. Look, why don't you listen to me? You can change. I used to be dumb like you once. I was ignorant, stupid, and ugly. And do you know what? What caused the change? What change? I... Castell, there must be somewhere to get you a job. Wait a minute. I've got it. I'll speak to Harry Riddolf about you. Wait a minute. Better still, I'll have my brother get you a job where he works at the Nut and Bowl Factory. Your brother works at the Nut and Bowl Factory? Yes. What's he's doing there? Nutting. Nutting? He just said he was working. He is working. Doing what? Nutting. And he gets paid for doing Nutting? Certainly. But if I get a good job at the Nut and Bowl Factory, what would I be doing? Nutting. Now you're talking. That's the kind of job I want. Nutting is hard work. My brother puts in eight hours a day, five days a week. Doing Nutting? That's right. Look, Abbott, your brother works at the Nut and Bowl Factory. Yes. Are you sure he don't do Nutting besides Nutting? Well, sometimes he works in the Foundry Department. Then he forges steals. How do you like that? He ain't satisfied getting paid for doing Nutting. Now he forges and steals. Abbott, your brother is a crook. He is not a crook. Definitely. He's worked hard all his life. Before he worked in the Nut and Bowl Factory, he worked in the Rope Factory. What's he doing in the Rope Factory? Nutting. Well, that's different. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. What did you say he was doing in the Rope Factory? Nutting. Nutting. This guy's been getting away with murder. So far, he's had two jobs up to now. He's been doing Nutting and Nutting. Castell, listen to me. And I'll try to explain it so that even you can understand. Thank you. The Rope Factory makes tennis nets. What? Nets. Nets. And nets to you, too. Nets are less than you can get. My brother made tennis nets. The nets are tied together with nuts. And my brother does Nutting. Just a second, Abbott. When did your brother start Nutting? Nutting? Oh, about three years ago. And what's he doing now? I told you, Nutting. Look, up to now you told me less than that. You said your brother did Nutting for three years. And now he's doing Nutting. When is he going to start doing something? He is doing something. What? Nutting. Nutting or something? Really. Well, Abbott, one of us is nuts. Look, don't your brother get tired of doing Nutting? Oh, of course. When he gets tired, he takes a vacation. What does he do on his vacation? Nothing. Now, there is a pretty picture. This guy does Nutting for three years. But doing Nutting is too tough for him, so he gets a new job doing Nutting. Then he gets tired of doing Nutting, so he takes a vacation and does Nutting. Now you've got it. Well, if I got it, I caught it from you. Yeah. Experience is the best teacher. Free-running steps abound from the springboard high into the air and straight down into the water for a perfect jackknife dive. Once again, the crowd cheers blonde, beautiful Mildred O'Donnell, metropolitan diving champion of New York. It takes experience to dive like that. As Miss O'Donnell said, Experience is the best teacher in diving, and that goes for smoking too. I learned from experience that camel is the cigarette for me. Yes, experience is the best teacher. And the experience of smoking whatever cigarette brands they could get during the wartime shortage taught millions the differences in cigarette quality. Then as when folks T zones, that's T for taste and T for throat, learn that camels suited them best. The result? Today, more people smoke camels than ever before. Get acquainted with camels rich, full flavor and cool mildness. See if camels don't suit your T zone to a T. Yes, experience is the best teacher. Try a camel. And while you light up a camel, skinny Anna sings, my number one dream came true. A million times a day, I pinch myself and say, my number one dream came true. And if I rub my eyes, it's only in surprise, my number one dream came true. I had my number two and three and four dreams with lots of possibilities in each. I might have planned on dreaming even more dreams because number one was way beyond me. I can't believe it yet, but if my fate was set, it did what I wanted to. Don't ask me when or why or how, but if I'm here with you, my number one dream came true. My number two and three and four dreams with lots of possibilities in each. I might have planned on dreaming even more dreams because number one was way beyond me. I can't believe it yet, but if my fate was set, it did what I wanted to. Don't ask me when or why or how, but if I'm here with you, my number one dream came true. It's time for you to start thinking of the future. Why don't you get a good job, be industrious, keep your nose to the grindstone, save your money and in 10 years you can retire and you won't have to work, Lou. Why should I go through all that? I'm not working now. I don't believe you ever had a job. Oh, a guy's a sucker to work at, but what you got to do is go on one of those quiz programs. The other night, my aunt made $9,000 in cash, a refrigerator, two washer machines, and a brand new house. Oh, that's wonderful. Yeah, and she was one of the losers. Oh, Costello, please, aren't you interested in betting yourself? Why don't you find an honest job? What, and quit radio? I don't. Why don't you look at the ads in the paper and find a job for yourself? Oh, I got a job all picked out, have it. You have? I saw an ad in the funny papers. It said sell 24 bottles of Chief Schmo's spot remover and get a magic lantern free. I can also win the $500 grand prize by selling 175 million bottles. Oh, Costello, there are only 130 million people in the United States. So what? I got friends in Mexico. Well, now, wait a minute. Selling spot remover is better than doing nothing at all. Come on, let's go over and see this Chief Schmo. Well, here it is, Costello. See the sign on the door? Chief Schmo's Indian remedy company. Spot remover, Indian tonic, scalp treatments, and Tommy Hawk's sharpen. Now, well, come on, let's go in. Well, good morning, gentlemen. As the Santa Fe train said to the freight train, I am the Chief. Costello, hey, this guy don't look like an Indian to me. Sure he is. I can tell by the way he's dressed. He's wearing a narrow collar and a bow tie. Get it? A bow and arrow. Get your catchers, mid-abbit. I'm pitching him an air tonight. Chief Schmo, my friend Costello read your ad in the funny papers, and he'd like to try selling your spot remover. Well, to be a Chief Schmo salesman, Costello, you'll have to have fire in your voice. You've got a glow with feeling blazed with personality. What do you want, a salesman or a blowtorch? Gee, do you think Costello can handle his job? Costello will have to fill out this application form. I'll read the questions, and when they apply to you, just answer yes. Were you a college graduate? Were you a high school graduate? Were you a grammar school graduate? Were you born? Well, I'll turn the form over on the other side and see if it goes any lower. Costello, our personnel is highly restricted, especially selected. We demand the highest qualifications. What makes you think you can be a Chief Schmo salesman? When I saw your ad in the funny papers. Oh, good. For a while I didn't think you had the qualification. Now, before you go out to sell Chief Schmo's spot remover, I want to give you a few pointers about being a door-to-door salesman. I don't want to be a door salesman. Who wants to sell doors? I want to sell spot remover. No, young man, when I say you sell door-to-door, I don't mean you sell doors. I mean that you sell spot remover, even though you're selling door-to-door. How do you like that? Now the Indians aren't doing our routine. Now, Costello, when a housewife tries to slam the door on you, make sure your foot is in the way. But my foot might get hiked. In your case, stick your head in the door. Now here's your 24 bottles of spot remover in your sample case. Sell these and you get the Magic Lantern. Wait a minute. Let me get this right, Chief. If Costello sells the 24 bottles in one day, he not only gets the Magic Lantern, but also a special prize. That is correct. This week we have a very valuable prize. A genuine 12-foot pole. 12-foot pole? What's that for? That's for girls you can't touch with a 10-foot pole. I'll get going and sell that spot remover. Hey, Costello, there's a woman right over there, Costello. Why don't you make her your first customer? Okay, that's a good idea. Pardon me, Miss. Well, if it isn't Mr. Orbit and Mr. Costello, who fought, little man, you... Now, Costello is selling spot remover. Oh, fine. I'd love to patronize him, but I'm very busy. I'm on my way to Om-G-Om Stooge-Os. Om-G-Om Stooge-Os? Why, Yavit, you heard of Om-G-Om Stooge-Os. That's where they make poochers with Clark Gubble. Luna, Tuna, and Mookie Rooney. Did you ever... Yes, yes, I did. Did you ever act at Om-G-Om with Sponsor Trussey? No, but I was a cool boy at Republic with Rui Rogers. You must be told me along. As we say in Norwegian, Arvaad arvusted drubelgumka nakiska to you. And a wad of busted bubblegum and a kisser to you, too. Hey, skinny, Costello's selling spot remover. Would you like to buy some? No, thanks. I don't need any. Oh, you don't, eh? You certainly do. Look at the stains on your necktie. I can tell everything you had for lunch. Shrimp, clam chowder, lamb chops, and coffee. Why, there's only one clean spot on your whole necktie. I know. I'm saving that for dessert. Never mind him, Costello. Hey, look, here comes Marilyn Maxwell. Oh, Lewis, the most wonderful thing has happened. I've just been chosen California's queen of the orange groves. Marilyn, can I be your smudge pot? Oh, Lewis, you're so cute. Marilyn, can I come over to your house tonight? Not tonight, Lewis. I'm washing my dog. How about tomorrow night? Well, tomorrow night, I'm taking my dog to the dog show. How about Saturday night? Saturday night, I'm busy. What's your dog doing? Uh, Costello's selling spot remover. Would you like to buy a bottle? Well, is it any good? Oh, sure. That's my line. Certainly it's good. I'll show you. Ooh, there's a little spot on your dress. Now, I soaked my handkerchief with a spot remover and rub it on your dress. Don't just stand there, Abbott. Throw a blanket around her. Lewis, you ruined my dress. Good-bye. Well, Costello, you certainly lost Marilyn for a customer. Well, come on. Let's go in here to Mrs. Wetwash's house. Oh, Mr. Abbott, oh. Oh, Mr. Abbott, oh, my. I wonder who left that garbage can on my front stool. Oh, pardon me. That's Costello. Oh, Mrs. Wetwash, we don't want to bother you if you have company. Company? Well, I'm here all alone. Then who are those two people looking over your shoulder? Oh, pardon me. That's your ears. Quiet, Costello. Quiet, quiet. Mrs. Wetwash, Costello's selling spot remover. What? What is that? He's selling spot remover. Selling it? You ought to drink some. Drink spot remover? Spot remover? Oh, I thought you said pot remover. Before I slam the door on you. Come on, Costello. Come on. Okay. No, no, we can't. Remember what Chief Schmo said? If a woman tries to close the door, stick your head in it. Go ahead. Slam the door, Mrs. Wetwash. All right. Mrs. Wetwash, you've slammed the door on Costello's head. Oh, my. Oh, you poor little man. I'll buy all your spot remover, every bottle. I'll stroke your head until the swelling goes down, and then I'll put my arms around you. I'll cuddle you close to me, and I'll kiss you, and kiss you, and kiss you, and kiss you. Costello, can you hear me? Yes. Slam the door on my head again. Marilyn Maxwell from Metro Golden Mayor, producers of Sea of Grass. And here's Marilyn to sing for camel fans everywhere. There is no greater love than what I feel for you. No greater than what you bring to me. No sweeter song than what you sing to. You're the sweetest thing. And to think that you are my reader song than what you sing. Say that the first time camels in their t-zones, that's tea for taste and tea for throat, got acquainted, some mighty pleasant things began to happen. Well, why not see for yourself if camel's rich, full flavor doesn't win a fast and grateful thank you from your taste. See how your throat reacts to camel's cool mildness. Experience in your own t-zone may tell you that camel is your cigarette too. And you will understand why so many doctors prefer camels. Three leading independent research organizations recently asked this question of 113,597 doctors. What cigarette do you smoke, doctor? The brand named most was camel. According to a recent nationwide survey, more doctors smoke camels than any other cigarette. Well, Castelli, you sold all the spot remover. Now let's go into here to Chief Shmo's office and give him the money and get your magic lantern. Good morning. Who do you wish to see? I'd like to see Chief Shmo. I'm sorry. He's busy now. He's holding a pow wow. A what? Pow wow, pow wow, pow wow. I can hear you. There's a dog barking somewhere. All right, Castelli. Here comes the Chief. Ah, gentlemen, as Michelangelo said to Venus de Malo, I see your back. Castelli sold all the spot remover, Chief, and he's here to get his magic lantern. What? He sold all that junk? I mean that spot remover? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, as Lippy DeRosha said when speaking of his new bride, what a day. And as Lippy DeRosha said to Happy Chandler, what, a year? If you don't mind, Chief, just give Castelli's magic lantern. And we'll be going. That's not so fast, boys. By selling that spot remover, Castelli was only qualified for the magic lantern. Now all he has to do is help me sell 980 bottles of Shmo's Indian water. I can sell anything. I even sold insurance. I sold Lana Turner some sweater insurance. I sold Dorothy Lamorsome Sarang insurance. I even sold Gypsy Rose Lee insurance, too. Wait a minute. What did Gypsy Rose Lee have insured? These Indians lead sheltered lives, don't they? She took full coverage. Wait a minute. Why should this boy have to sell 980 bottles of Shmo's Indian water? Chief, this sounds like a shady deal. Mr. Abbott, there's $50 in it for you if you can get Castello to help me. Oh, that's different. Castello, I think it's a splendid idea. Wait a minute, Abbott. Down, down, down. Wait a minute. You just said it was a shady deal. The smog cleared up pretty fast, didn't it? Chief, what does this Indian water do? Shmo's Indian water is the elixir of youth. It takes years off your life while Al Jolson took one teaspoon full. And do you know what happened? Larry Parks. Come into the laboratory and meet the Indians who make Shmo's Indian water. This is our head chemist. Me, Big Brave. We're Abbott and Castello. Do you ever listen to our radio program? Me, not that brave. Mr. Brave. Brave, I dabble in chemistry myself. Listen to this. H202S3. What's that? Ethyl alcohol. Then there's H1SSO5. What's that? Ethyl chloride. Then there's HI2183. What's that? Ethyl Schultz. That's our phone number. If a man answers, that's the wrong formula. Now, this is where we make the famous Shmo's Indian water that brings back youth. This big Indian fills that pot with herbs, his squasters, the mixture all day long, and at night when it's finished, elixir. Elixir. Elixir. That's right. Now there's gratitude for you. The poor squasters, it's all day over. A hot fire stir in that pot. Then at night, the sinian comes along, gives her a beating. What are you talking about? I'm going to report this to the police Abbott, beating that poor woman. Castello, nobody's getting a beating. He just said a squaster is the pot all day. Then at night, the sinian comes along, and elixir. What's wrong with that? What's wrong with it? Nobody's going to hit the squal when I'm around. If he elixir tonight, I'll have to lick me. He'll have to lick me, too. Well, that's what he says, elixir. He don't mean he elixir. He means elixir, and elixir is a name. Well, why don't you say so? I know her very well. She works for Warner Brothers. Who works for Warner Brothers? He elixir Smith. Oh, you idiot. This elixir's a tonic. It makes you feel young. It's a pick me up. It's a what? Pick me up. Okay. Put me down, you idiot. You just asked me to pick you up. I did not. I said pick me up. And now put me down. Yeah, but make up your mind. Well, gentlemen, we're ready to go. Hop into the truck and we'll make our pitch in an empty lot and sell 980 bottles of schmoes, elixir of life. Castella, Castella. Look at the crowds of the people coming to buy chief schmoes, elixir of youth. Go ahead and make your pick. Okay. Hiya, babe. Gee, you're cute. What are you doing tonight? Wrong pitch. Wrong pitch, yeah. Boys, boys, I'll make the pitch. And Castella, you sell the medicine. And remember, back up everything I say. Yes, remember that, Castella. Anything the chief says, you back them up. I get it. Friends, I am chief schmo. Anyone that drinks schmoes, Indian water can be young forever. It takes years off your life. Look at me. I am 239 years old. I've been drinking this water since I was a young man. I've worn out four shape of a lifetime pen. Look at me. 239 years old. Friends, the medicine is $1 a bottle. My assistant will pass among you. Go ahead, Castella. Okay. Schmoes, Indian water, $1 a bottle. How about you, lady? I'll take one. But young man, is that Indian really 239 years old? You couldn't prove it by me, lady. I've only been with him 146 years. Take your fat figure. I'm an officer of the law. How long did you say you were working for that Indian? I'm gonna apply for the job tomorrow morning. That's enough of that. Into the patrol wagon with you. Ah, just a minute off. Salval's for my friend here. You see, Castella was told to say he was 146 years old. Well, Castella would be 146 years old by the time he gets out of jail. Into the patrol wagon with him both of you. Well, Castella, you certainly got us in a fine mess this time. Don't bore me out, Abbott. I've been through too much already. I'm tired and I'm thirsty. Thirsty? I know. I'll drink a couple of bottles of Chief Schmosey Luxor of Youth. Castella, Castella, don't drink that junk. That stuff is a... Castella, where are you? Here I am, Abbott. Right? Castella, Castella, I don't see you. All I see is a fat little boy. That stuff works. The fat little boy is me. Castella, this is wonderful. They can prosecute a child. When we get to the station house, I'll jump out of the patrol wagon and run. Then you, you turn... When I turn you loose, I mean you can ride home to here. Look at that wagon. It's not his rides on the patrol wagon. Don't you know it's round to do a thing like that? Why? Why? Camel cigarettes. During the war, the makers of camel cigarettes sent a total of more than 150 million free camels to our fighting men overseas. Now free camels are sent to servicemen's hospitals instead. This week, the camels go to Veterans Hospital, Conendaga, New York, USAF Station Hospital, Morrison Field, West Palm Beach, Florida, US Naval Hospital, Long Beach, California, US Marine Hospital, Evansville, Indiana, Newton D Baker Veterans Hospital, Martinsburg, West Virginia. Camel broadcasts go out to the United States three times a week. Our rebroadcasts to practically every area in the world where our men are still stationed and to our good neighbors in Central and South America. And now back to Bud Abbott and Luke Costello. Well, Costello, next week is the opening of the baseball season. Yes, it'll be a great week for my Uncle Adi Stebbins. You know, he was a famous baseball player. He played and played till he got so old he couldn't tell a ball from a strike. Then what happened? They made him a numpire. Good night, folks. Good night, everybody. Have an incident with Costello again next Thursday when Costello gets a telegram from Joe DiMaggio which leads the boys into their famous baseball routine. Tune in next week and you might find out who's at first. When a man packs his pipe with Prince Albert, he's all set for real smoking contentment. It's Prince Albert that gives a pipe smoker the extra rich flavor and the cool mildness that mean lasting enjoyment. And it's Prince Albert that's crimped cut to pack just right in a pipe and to burn slowly and evenly. Pack your pipe with PA and enjoy the national joy smoke. Saturday night, enjoy Prince Albert's Grand Ole Opry with a heartwarming singing of Red Fully, the happy fun-making of Vinnie Pearl, the rollicking crew of Grand Ole Opry, and red special guest of brand new comedian, Red Brassville. Be sure to tune in next week for another great Abaddon Costello show brought to you by Camel Cigarettes. And remember, experience is the best teacher. Try a camel. Let your own experience tell you why more people are smoking camels than ever before. C-A-M-V-L-S. Abaddon Costello will soon be seen in the new Universal International Picture Buck Privates, come home. This is Michael Roy in Hollywood, wishing you all a pleasant good night for camels. Stay tuned now for the Eddie Cantor show. This is NBC, the national broad...