 The Jack Benny Program, transcribed, presented by Lucky Strike. Be happy, go lucky, get better taste today. Friends, seeing is believing. You can see for yourself that luckies are made to taste better. Simply remove the paper from a Lucky Strike by carefully tearing down the seam from end to end and lift out that cylinder of fresh, clean, fine tobacco. Now in exactly the same way, remove the tobacco from any other cigarette. Compare it with a perfect cylinder of fine, mild tobacco taken from the Lucky. See how round and firm and fully packed the Lucky is with long strands of fresh, clean, good tasting tobacco. LS-MFT Lucky Strike means fine tobacco. And notice how free the Lucky is of annoying, loose ends that spoil the taste. This is your proof. Lucky's are made to taste better, to taste fresh and clean and smooth. Remember in a cigarette, it's the taste that makes the difference and Lucky's taste better. So enjoy the fresh, clean taste of fine tobacco. Yes, be happy, go Lucky. Make your next carton Lucky Strike. Be happy, go Lucky. Go Lucky Strike today. In your settlement in just 30 minutes from now, Jack Benny will do his fourth television show of the season on the CBS Network. But right now we'd like to take you out to Jack's house. He's just finishing dressing. There, I'm almost through. Get me my shirt, Rochester. Yes, sir. Do you want that solid gold coupling you got from Mr. Ronald Coleman last Christmas? Wait a minute, Rochester. Mr. Coleman only gave me one cufflink? He didn't give it to you. He swung at you and it fell out of his shirt. Oh yes. If Benita hadn't grabbed him, I'd have had him both. Rochester, get my other cufflinks out of the bureau. Yes, sir. What drawer do you keep them in, boss? Well, you ought to know. You put them away most of the time. Yeah, but you keep putting all kinds of junk in your dresser. Well, let's try this top drawer. Nope, there's just socks in here, a couple of handkerchiefs, and what's this? Let me see that. Oh, for heaven's sakes. I forgot to return it when I left New York. It's the key to my room at the Acme Plaza. I don't know why they gave me a key. My room didn't have a door on it. No wonder they call it New York's friendliest hotel. Now, see if you can find those cufflinks. Okay, I'll try this drawer in church here. Hey, maybe I threw those cufflinks in with my underwear. I'll flip the flap and see. Don't mind them. Miss Livingston's waiting in the den for me. She's going to drive me to the studio for my TV show. Oh, they weren't... Oh, Mary, will you answer the phone, please? A couple of people over at the house Friday night, and we called you, but you were out. I know. Jack took me to the movies. Jackson took you to the movies? Uh-huh. Passes Dutch, or do we have an item for Ripley? No, Phil, he really took me. Do you want to talk to Jack? Yeah, Phil, I guess I'm a little nervous about my television show tonight. Well, why don't you do what I do to calm down? What's that? I have two of my musicians go around with me, and every time I feel a little nervous, one of them gives me a drink of bourbon. Oh, what's the other guy for? He's there to make me nervous. Oh, stop it. What did you call for? Hey, look, Jackson, I've been thinking of making some changes in my band. Well, good. Good. I don't even know what I want to do. Phil, any change you make in your orchestra, even if it's only their socks and shirts, will be an improvement. You want to know something, Phil? Your musicians could play five numbers and still stump the experts on what's my line. Now, what is it you want to do with your band? Well, for the past few years, Bagby, my piano player, has been on the left side of my orchestra, and I've been thinking of moving him over to the right side. Why? Because that's where the piano is. Phil, it may not sound good, but it'll look better. Anything else, Phil? No, so long, Jackson. So long. Hey, wait, wait a minute. Hey, Livy tells me you loosened up and treated her to the movies last night. Well, what's so strange about that? If that don't bring eyes in our home, nothing will. You know, Mary, I can't understand it. I took you to the movies. Everybody's making a big thing out of it. I can't understand it either. We're walking down the street. You found a five-dollar bill, and you certainly can do what you want with it. Of course. Everybody has... Excuse me, Mr. Billy. What is it, Rochester? Mr. Wilson's at the back door, and he wants to see you. Don Wilson at the back door? Excuse me, Mr. Mary. What can that... What can he want at the back door? There's plenty of all-places, Don. Don! Oh, hello, Jack. For heaven's sake, why... Why did you come to the back door? Well, Jack, all the way over here, I've even walked through the alleys. I don't want people to see me. But why? Because today we do another television show, and I just can't help feeling ashamed and upset about the mistake I made on your last one. But, Don, that was six weeks ago. I know, but how could I ever have said be lucky, go happy instead of be happy, go lucky? It was so humiliating. Look, Don... Well, so ashamed I went home and sobbed for hours. I know, Don, but... I just couldn't stop the tears. What an embarrassing thing to happen to a man of my dignity. Look, Don... Don... Little fat crowd that cried. The biggest laughs tonight. Now, stop worrying about it, Don. Don, I'm sure you won't make that mistake again. But I can't get over making that mistake in English. Every foreign transcription I made, I was perfect. Foreign transcription? Did you make transcriptions in foreign languages? Why, certainly, Jack. Luckies are sold all over the world, and I have to study every language there is. Gee, I didn't know that. Let me hear you say be happy, go lucky in Spanish. In Spanish? Yeah. Sure. Ser allegre and dof élite. Gee. How about Italian? E' sere beato andare propizio. Oh, what do you know? Hey, here's one little sticky, Don. Let me hear you say it in Chinese. Wantunga mughe, sing, sing, young sing. Gio tonga'i. That means be happy, go lucky? Yes. Wantunga mughe, sing, sing. Mungulaca. Wantunga munga'i, go. Yegfu young today. I mean, I'll be very happy if you just get the commercial right in English. Well, that's the hardest one, but I'll try. So long, Jack. Okay, so long, Don. Gee, I wonder, I wonder how the song I wrote would sound in Chinese. When you say, I pungi mughe, then I'll chengyi taumang. Say not bad. I'll have to talk to my arranger, Melan Fu. Well, he's still worried about the mistake. Oh, hello, Mr. Benny. Dennis, I didn't know you were here. I just came over to wish you luck on your TV show. Oh, thanks, kid. Are you gonna have any guest stars? Yes, yes, I'm gonna have Burns and Allen. Say, that ought to be funny. He's my favorite comedian. George Burns? Oh, Fred Allen. Dennis, I'm talking about Gracie Allen, not Fred at Gracie Allen. That's George Burns' wife. Oh, say, Mr. Benny, I just thought of something. What? I wish you'd get married. You do? Why? I'd like to hit you with an old shoe. Dennis, leave me alone. Will you leave me alone? Jack, Jack, don't upset yourself. Why don't you ignore him? Yeah, ignore me. Let me ask you something. What's come over you lately? Well, what do you mean? Well, for a couple of years up to last June, you were acting pretty fresh. Since then, you've been very nice and polite. Just lately, you started an acting smart alecky. What happened? I've got two shows again. I know, but you've still got a job to do on my show. Let me hear the song you're gonna sing, will you? Okay, bub. And she was a peaceful man if you know what I mean. The cops picked up the pieces after Clancy left the scene. He never looked for trouble. That's a fact you can assume. Nevertheless, when trouble would press, Clancy lowered the boom. Oh, that... Oh, Leary was the fighting man. They all knew he was tough. He strutted round the neighborhood to shootin' off his gun. He picked a fight with Clancy. Then and there, he sealed his doom. Before he could shout, Oh, Leary's wet knife. McDougal said, Let's have some fun. I think I'll start a fight. He wrecked the hall, then kissed the bride and pulverized. Right aside, you ever did say when Clancy lowered the boom there? The song is still wonderful, and there's nothing I would like more than to hear you sing another one. But I'm afraid I'll have to say goodbye. Why are you leaving? No, you are. Goodbye. I didn't have to push him. Mary, sometimes that kid drives me nuts. No, Jack, don't pay any attention to him. Look at how can I help it? Last Monday, I was awakened out of a sound sleep by the telephone. When I answered, it was Dennis. He wanted to know what time it was. I said it's four o'clock in the morning. He said, well, this is no time to call anybody and hung up. Not to pay any attention to him. Well, Jack, forget about it. You always get yourself all worked up. I know, but I got a TV show to do tonight. He has to come in and make me nervous. Look, Jack, he's gone now. So why don't you go to your room and take a nap? I'll wake you up when you have to go to the studio. Okay, Mary. What'll you do? Oh, I'll stay here in the library and read a book. Okay. But don't let me sleep too long with you. Oh, I won't. I won't. Go ahead, Jack. Gee, Jack is certainly on edge today. Well, maybe the nap will do him good. Let's see what book can I read? Oh, gosh, Jack has a lot of them. Let's see. Oh, here's one. How to make money raising soybeans. Oh, here's another one. How to make money selling homemade blinces. Here's another one. How to make money trapping lizards. Hmm. What's this? How to spend money and enjoy it. How about that little Jim never saw the light of day? Oh, here's one I've never seen before. My career as a hospital nurse. I think I'll read this. My career as a hospital nurse. Chapter one. A little legion of women who have been called Angels of Mercy. I am a nurse. My name is Aura, a city hospital. And like all nurses, I had a boyfriend. A young intern named Dr. Harris. My story begins about a year ago. It was a quiet day in the hospital. Dr. Jones wanted in maternity. Dr. Jones wanted in maternity. Hello, Aura. Hello, Dr. Harris. Would you do me a favor? Please send my stethoscope out and have it fixed. Well, certainly. What's wrong with it? I don't know. I keep hearing Guy Lombardo. I'll take care of it for you, doctor. Thank you. And by the way, Aura, would you mind if we postponed our date for the movies until tomorrow? Not at all, but why? Well, I'm terribly tired. I was up all night in the emergency ward, treating a bunch of drunks. Really? Yes. Oh, why must people drink like that? It is a shame. Jones wanted in maternity. Dr. Jones reports in maternity immediately. By the way, Dr. Harris, how is your patient in room 312? He died. Oh, well, how about your patient in 419? He died. And what about the case you had in ward 5? Yup. Well, you'll have to excuse me now, Aura. I'm late. For what? I'm taking a course in them bombing. Even though he hadn't told me, I knew the real reason he hadn't taken me to the movies. He was spending his evenings doing research with a left-handed guitar player. When something happened that was changed the course of my whole life, he walked in. Excuse me, nurse. Yes, sir? My family doctor sent me here for a consultation with your famous specialist, Dr. Heinrich von Schmierkees. Very well, sir. I'll have to fill out this admittance card. Your name? My name is James. What's your last name? James. My name is James James. Where were you born? Pangopango. Where do you live now? Walla Walla. What disease do you have? Berry Berry. Occupation. I'm an announcer on double or nothing. I see. Now, how tall are you? 5'11". Your weight? 158. Color of eyes? Oh, they're blue, aren't they? Bluer than the thumb of an Eskimo hitchhiker. Have you been to any other specialist? I've been to hundreds of them, but they never helped me. I feel terrible. Well, what are your symptoms? I hear music and there's no one there. I smell blossoms and the trees are bare. And don't tell me I'm in love. I'm sick as a dog. Oh. Now, just a moment while I fill this out. Miff is wanted in the operating room. Dr. Mason is wanted in the consultation room. Dr. Ross is wanted in the kennel. Bido knows best what. Very well, Mr. James. You may see Dr. Von Schmiercase now, right through that door. Thank you. And you consider yourself fortunate. Dr. Von Schmiercase is the world's greatest specialist in dog mistation. I know. I know. I'll go in and see him. Gee, what a big office. Well, that must be Dr. Von Schmiercase over there in the corner. Must be getting to operate. He's putting on rubber gloves. Excuse me. I'm Mr. James. And I have Berry Berry. Please tell me. Please. Please. What should I do? I don't know. To operate? I don't know. I ain't no doctor. Then why are you wearing those rubber gloves? I don't want to leave fingerprints. I'm robbing the joint. Where can I find Dr. Von Schmiercase? I don't know. Oh, never mind. I'll go find him myself. Ah, here's his office. Dr. Heinrich Von Schmiercase. Excuse me, Dr. Von Schmiercase. I'm Mr. James. Ach, du liebe, wie geht's, Landsmann? Was ist los? Was ist los? Well, doctor, I... Don't worry. First, please, the examination. Stick out, please, the tongue. There. Now close, please, the eyes. There. Good. Now lift, please, the left foot off the floor and hold it up. Okay. Fine. Now lift the right foot off the floor, too. Okay. Just as I taught digi-spells. We will have to operate. Operate? What are you going to take out? Oh, don't worry. We'll think of something. We will operate early tomorrow morning at 5 a.m. Why so early? Incision before dawn. In case you may not be as sharp at this, but you sure get corny. Now, don't worry, Mr. James. We got... You rang for me, doctor? Oh, yes, yes, yes. Have Dr. Harris prepared this man for surgery and I will want you to assist me in the operation. Oh, thank you, doctor. As I prepared the patient for surgery, I noticed that he had his will tattooed on his chest. I was amazed when I read it. He left everything to himself for the operation when the patient began to get restless. Nurse, nurse, where's Dr. Von Schmirke? He'll be here in just a minute. Dr. Harris, now get you ready for him. Oh, nurse, hand me the anesthetic. Anesthetic. Cotton. Cotton. Sponge. Sponge. Alcohol. Alcohol. Chaser. Chaser. Here comes Dr. Von Schmirke. Hi-ho, hi-ho. It's off to work, I go. Well, well, well, well, well. How's my little patient? I'm nervous, doctor. Oh, don't worry. Now I'll start. First, nurse, hand me please the iodine. I'll have to paint his stomach. What are you painting on my stomach? A smile. This operation has been televised. Very funny. If you knew what a lousy doctor I was, you wouldn't be laughing. Operation commenced. Nurse, hold the ether to his nose. Well, I'm sorry. We have no ether. Well, tighten his necktie. Yes, sir. Oh, that's enough. He's starting to look like Eddie Cantor. In turns, watch carefully so you will learn something. And please, no applause till the nurse holds up the card. Now I take the scalpel and make the first incision. There. Now before I make the second incision, I would like to say a few words on behalf of my sponsor. My sponsor is the author and publisher of a book called How to Avoid Paying Income Tax. The price of this book is $200. For this money, we not only include a copy of the book, but we also send you fruit every visiting day. Now back to the operation. I will make the second incision. Steer, Viacht. For heaven's sake, doctor, I've never seen such a tremendous incision. Jan, it's got me worried. Why? Where will we ever find a bandaid that long? Well, I'll worry about that later. He'll recover consciousness. When he did, he turned to me tenderly and said, For heaven's sake, Mary, you let me sleep so long I'll be late for my television show. Huh? Oh, I'm sorry, Jack. I got so absorbed in this book. What am I going to do? Here we are in Beverly Hills. My TV program goes on in just two minutes. Well, don't worry, Jack. Come on. We'll make it. Let's go. Well, here we are at CBS. It's amazing what you can do with sound effects, isn't it? Come on, Mary. Let's go. The last Easter gift of all is the support you give through Easter seals to children who need your help. These seals provide medical care, nursery centers, and many other things that are needed. So give and give generously to the Easter seal agency in your community, or send your contribution to crippled children care of your local post office. Thank you. Hence, in a cigarette, it's the taste that makes the difference and luckies are made to taste better. You can prove this to yourself. Simply remove the paper from a lucky strike by carefully tearing down the scene from end to end and lift out the cylinder of fine, mild tobacco. Now, in the same way, remove the tobacco from any other cigarette. Compare it with a perfect cylinder of fine, mild tobacco taken from the lucky. See how round and firm and fully packed the lucky is with long strands of fresh, clean, good-tasting tobacco. LS-MFT Lucky Strike means fine tobacco. See how free the lucky is of excessive air spaces, hot spots that burn harsh and dry. There is your proof that luckies are made to taste better, to taste fresh and clean and smooth. So to enjoy the fresh, clean taste of fine tobacco, be happy. Go Lucky. Make your next carton Lucky Strike. Be happy. Go Lucky. Go Lucky Strike. Gentlemen, in about one minute from now, I will be doing my fourth television show of this season. I'm happy to say that on tonight's TV program, I'm having, as my guests, George Burns and Gracie Allen. In the profession, this is what we call a reciprocal agreement. You see, they come on my program this week, and all next month, I do their laundry. But I'll be seeing you. Good night, folks. The Jack Bennett program is brought to you by Lucky Strike, product of the American Tobacco Company, America's leading manufacturer of cigarettes. This is Don Wilson reminding you to listen to your hit parade with Guy Lombardo every Thursday night, presented by Lucky Strike. Consult your newspaper for time and station. Be heard by our armed forces overseas, through the facilities of the Armed Forces Radio Service. This is the CBS Radio Network.