 and welcome to our series, I remember Zahra, a series dedicated to remember the surroundings and the oppressions of Fatima al-Zahra, alaihi salam. I'm your host, Tua al-Makhzumi. Before I start, I would like to send my condolence to you all on the martyrdom of Lady Fatima al-Zahra, alaihi salam and to our Imam, May Allah hasten his reappearance. I would like to also introduce my guest today, Fahima Muhammad, who is a life coach. So, Salam alaikum and welcome to our show, Fahima. Today we'll be talking about Fatima al-Zahra, alaihi salam and the oppression she went through and the violence that she had experienced from the enemies and relating it to modern days in how women today and men today are experiencing violence from all around the world. So, let's start first to talk about Fatima al-Zahra and let our viewers know what she went through and who is Fatima al-Zahra, alaihi salam. If it wasn't for the day that she got attacked and experienced this violence, I think today we wouldn't see any violence happening around the world. But Fatima al-Zahra, alaihi salam is the daughter of the Prophet Muhammad, peace and blessings be upon him. And she is the daughter of Lady Khadija. Lady Khadija was the first lady who believed in the Prophet as a messenger. She's the wife of Imam Ali, alaihi salam and she's the daughter of two Imams Al-Hasan wal-Hussain. The Prophet Muhammad, peace and blessings be upon him, said Fatima al-Zahra, Sayyidat Nisa al-Alamin. Fatima is the leader of all women by all times. And when he said that, he knows Fatima al-Zahra was the perfect leader. From all the verses in the Qur'an that speak about women, Fatima was the perfect role model. She translated every verse into action and she was perfect in everything and complete in everything as a mother and as a wife and as a daughter. So when we come and look at what happened to her as being the leader, as being a lady, the daughter of the Prophet and the Prophet said that Fatima is the leader. Fatima is my daughter. Then you see that in such a day on her martyrdom, she has been attacked. And the reason and the way how she has been attacked as a lady. Let's talk about her being a woman. Like if it was a man, that would be another point of view. But as her being a woman and she was in her home, that man, Umar ibn al-Khattab, attacked Fatima. If you read in the book, it mentions that he came along accompanying him 300 men. Imagine a lady who's 18 years old of age, she's in her home. Umar ibn al-Khattab accompanies her with 300 men and knocks on the door. Now before they set the door on fire, Umar knocks the door. Fatima al-Zahra does not open the door. She stands behind the door. And what does she tell him? She asks, who's behind the door? He tells her, open the door I want Ali. So she does not welcome him in. What does he do? He breaks the door. He snaps it open and he feels her behind the door. Because Fatima al-Zahra, she was wearing hijab. It's just that she wasn't covering her face and she didn't want him to see her. So what she did is she stood behind the door. Umar felt Fatima. So he squeezed her hard. One of his companions told him Fatima al-Ralbab, Fatima's behind the door. He said, what if? And he squeezed her again. Umar says, when I squeezed her, she grieved a grief that my heart was softened. I remembered what Ali did to us in the battle of Badr. So what did he do? He took revenge. Now this is part of what happened to Fatima al-Zahra and part of the violence. There are more. However, we don't want to take so much time and we want to connect it to the violence that we see today that's going around between men and women abusing women and the evilness that we see. Now there is nothing a comparison to what happened to Fatima al-Zahra al-Islam. But you as a life coach, you've known and you've seen many women today that are being abused and are experiencing violence from men against them. So what are your experiences and what have you seen today that there are so many violence against women? Well, first and foremost I would like to say that with life coaching it is not seen as therapy. But women come to me with regards to this because it's actually a way of moving forward and violence is a short term and a long term effect psychologically and there has to be an understanding that these women that come for life coaching is because they want to move forward with their lives and sometimes even the situation doesn't change but it's about changing their psychology and trying to make the best of the situation that they're in because a lot of the times they're in families and they're in from cultural backgrounds which are it's very difficult for them to actually speak out and that's why I'm making it more aware that you know people do need to seek help outside their communities and families so that they can seek the best help for themselves psychologically because it's okay to sort of put things to one side and you know just you know carry on an autopilot with regards to still being the wife and the mother but if you don't deal with your issues then it can only escalate. So you're Fatima al-Zara al-Islam as you say you need to take her out, you need to tell someone. Fatima al-Zara al-Islam did not want to go to Imam Ali and tell him what happened because she knew that there was a command from Rasulullah be patient Ali do not take your revenge right now so she didn't want to go tell him because she knows that he's being patient so Fatima al-Zara and she couldn't go to her they're her children so what she did every night she would go to the grave of Rasulullah oh Rasulullah who have you left Fatima for oh Rasulullah this is what happened to me oh Rasulullah this is what happened to me she used to weep day and night until the tree that she used to sit under so that the sun won't come on her they chopped it off so that Fatima would not come again so as you said like even that they try to not allow Fatima al-Zara al-Zara to do to take it out from her heart even though Rasulullah wasn't present at the time but going to his grave and complaining it's like talking to a therapist. Yes I was about to say that it was some sort of like you know therapy and it was some sort of guidance and you have to let things out and as much as we might want to rate or rate relate to Fatima al-Zara al-Zara we you know we cannot relate to that extent but things are happening today which is quite detrimental because the same sort of customs are still being you know practiced where you know women do not speak outside them you know the family or you know or just let things be so they are a lot of like you know people that are really scared of how they're going to be looked upon if they actually address these issues so they kind of deal with it and it's psychologically damaging in the long term not just for themselves but for the rest of the family the relationships and they might not even see it coming but it does actually affect their surroundings and their environment so it's really important that you know the conditions and your rights and if it's not being abided then you know you need to take steps towards it and it's not to say that you have to leave your home but you know both parties or whoever's involved needs to be made aware that this is not right and you have to speak out so say that that any woman that's being abused today speaks out and give us an example to a story that has happened to you or someone who has came to you as a life coach and mentioned her being abused and what has happened just so that we can know that if she speaks out will this help the evil people to stop doing what they do to stop hurting using violence against female well i'll give you one scenario um i would say that majority of the time it's women in marriages and normally it's after years of marriage that their partners do not see them in the same light so i find that they come to me because it's not so much even the physical violence but it's the mental abuse and that can be much more damaging because they actually made to feel that they are actually wrong when they're not so then that's actually more i think harming to a human in today's day and age so that when they are felt that whatever they're doing is wrong when it's not or whatever they're doing is not enough and when you feel like you know you're in a situation and you're stuck and you can't move and whatever you do you cannot have any help because you're the one that's wrong and whatever you're complaining about even if it's them not helping around in the house or spending time with them or taking them you know the responsibility of the shoulders like there was a lady that came to me she's been married for over 10 years and had one son even experienced miscarriages herself and then eventually you know did have a second child but the husband's always out never there not even present in the actual birth of her child and she's a professional and you know even financially he will not even support her so she'd had to carry that burden for many years and not even the support of his family you know because they would not speak to him and say look you need to sort of like you know take on the commitments that you promised so she would have it completely so when i had coaching with her it wasn't the situation that changed but it's the way in which she looked at the situation it was different it was different and over the years she's become so much stronger that even most would be like oh the only way i would come out of this is because if they came back to me if they changed it wasn't about the other person changing it was about her changing you know it all comes from us and what she could do with her situation to make it something that she could build strength within herself know her value and her worth and also you know she unfortunately we have to sometimes take responsibility to a certain extent to say well i'm gonna not tolerate this as well you know because we also you know we we basically get you know what we tolerate to a certain extent so it's about building a strong mindset about you know what you need to do obviously she took steps of moving out you know and doing what she needed to do and i'm always advising people to never ever break their marriages and to always bring homes together no matter how bad the situation is because it just needs work it needs help and it needs counseling or some sort of therapy in order for it to be worked out because there's a lot more effects that can go on that could be detrimental if you were to just separate because you've got family you've got children you've got life you know experiences and investment there and it's not to say that these people are evil is that they're going through their own journey in this day and age that you know you don't want you married that person for a reason for example and they're going through their own things and there's a miscommunication there's a misunderstanding from both sides so one needs to sort of take a step back and do what they need to do first and foremost for themselves to be strong for them and their children and then take steps as a couple to actually work through it even if it takes months and years even if it's in separate houses separate rooms whatever it may be to have but make sure you do whatever it takes even in Islam it says take whatever steps it takes to actually make sure that you've tried everything to make things work and when it comes to violence and when it comes to mental abuse you can't step away from it you can actually move yourself remove yourself from those situations because we do respond and react as well so by learning certain tips and strategies and tools as to how to look at life and give it a new meaning and not take it personal you can actually give whatever scenario that you were going through before a different light a different meaning in the same way you know with the same experiences but actually be in control of it now we'll move on to the one-to-one segment with Sister Fahima and the anonymous guest see you shortly thank you so much for joining us today especially in today's session which I know we're going to be talking about your experience with violence so could you mainly start us off by sort of telling us how does that experience have an impact on your life well you're just never really the same after an experience like that you know I just think of how I was before this happened and I just used to be so carefree and relaxed about everything and how it just you know even now after so long you know there are just times during the day where just a thousand questions just run through my head over things that I shouldn't even be thinking about and the hardest thing is now I find it so difficult to interact with people and trust them I especially men and I remember when it first happened like every time a man would just be near me I just flinch and even now I just look at them and I just see them as a threat even though rationally I know they not all men are like the ones that hurt me but I just can't make myself believe that it doesn't matter how many times I tell myself that it just doesn't fit for me and then the hardest thing as well it's just making people understand what I've been through so often you know when I've tried to open up people have just been very quick to like say why didn't you do this or why did you do that and it just sounds like they're just saying to me you're stupid and you deserved what happened to you and are these scenarios that you're describing are these recent events recent isn't like in the last few years and it happened to me when I was quite young I was a young independent woman who was enjoying you know living for herself and then this happened and just everything shattered around me I didn't feel like I could go out I didn't feel like I could do all the things that I can or I normally do and where are you at this point in time um do you know what happens in the I've healed a lot but there is just some things that I'm still working on you know I hate to admit it but you know since this experience like I hate man and I know I shouldn't have that feeling I know that as a Muslim woman I shouldn't be feeling such terrible feelings such as hatred but it's just so hard and you know the Shaitan he just plays tricks on me and says like you know this has happened to you where's the justice in this you know they've just got away with what they've done and every day I have to remind myself that Allah is with us he has seen everything for one day inshallah when I stand before him on the day of judgment he he will repay me for the evil that has been done to me and when you mention about the moments that you have felt a little bit of healing could you talk a little bit more about that process and maybe some ideas as to how that came um it was definitely my religion that was the main part of my healing I mean I don't know what it'd be without the halamayt alaykum as-salam it's like the lady Fatima to zahra alayhi as-salam you know I just look at her like a mother figure and like a guardian angel or he's just always watching over me and whenever I've called out to her like I just feel like she's rushed to answer my answer my needs you know knowing that she faced very similar things to me knowing that the scars I feel or I've had she had them too knowing the fear that I fear you know knowing that she was afraid once it helps me so much the fact that you know even though she was beaten and abused so badly she was able to come from behind that door and rushed to protect her family I understand the pain she rushed to protect her family she showed around my mind that it doesn't matter what anyone does to you you can survive it you can get over it you can buy back sister it is something that you bring such great courage and you have to remember that what you've been through is is something that you know a lot of people will actually learn from and you're so brave to actually talk about this and actually help others in what you're experiencing especially when you're relating it to Fatima to Sahara and I think it's a great reminder for everyone and I think that your pain is something that inshallah will hopefully you know be related to a lot of women out there so that they can take from this experience and move forward with it that's that's what Lady Fatima and inshallah has taught me that it doesn't matter what they do to you it doesn't matter how tired you feel and how sick you are of people just not understanding you just have to keep you have to keep strong and you have to keep fighting and I just hope that that my lady will be pleased with me but so how would you respond when people say that Islam is related to violence especially against women how would you respond to that I just I wouldn't say to them you need to check your sources it's nice to read a newspaper on the bus it's nice to switch the news on at the end of the day but you have to ask yourself are these sources really reliable I mean you know we think that we live in a free and democratic western state but the media is still a form of manipulating you they only show you what they want to show you and when it comes to you know particularly men being violent towards women whenever it's a man who claims to be Muslim they're very quick to report it and the thing I would say is you know should we really be taking these men as representatives of our religion when when you dig a little bit deeper you actually find that these individuals that have hurt and abused these women some of them have never even read the Qur'an before some of them don't even know how to pray some of them go drinking and doing drugs and God knows what else every other night you know how can we say that these are examples of our deen surely it makes more sense to follow the example of the bringer and establisher of this religion the prophet Muhammad you know when he began his message when he began his prophethoods there were women in the city of Mecca when they heard the way that our prophets spoke about women how honored and loved they were and that the rights that she had some of them just broke down in tears because they had never heard a message like that they had always been told that they were just someone's property to be used and abused for whatever man wants to do with them so so Islam is a protection yes rather than what people see and what people hear and to you what does it mean to you Fatima to say hello with the attack that was on upon her she she just reminds me that you know that there is a day of judgment you know because that is the thing that kept her going you know when i think of Fatima to say hello but i think of her crying for a while when i think of her push behind that door in so much pain and i think of her maybe i just remember that even though what happened to me was awful i just shed even more tears over her because but what can you take from this that is positive and that could you use in your daily life that would actually help you move forward from the situation i just think the fact that not long after this terrible event happened she stood in the court of tyrants and gave her Khutbah and Fabaqia and she amazed everybody and yes she was broken she was physically broken she was emotionally broken but she had that spirit of a lioness in her and i swear when i think of that i just feel i just feel new i just feel i feel like i can get through anything with her help so do you think you can maybe set yourself some goals with regards to it some realistic goals for yourself in order to take the lessons of Fatima to Zahara and imply that with your experience and bring that to today and move forward yeah i think um i think that i want to sorry that's fine take your time yeah i i think i just the main thing i've learned from our lady say that from the satin alameen is to keep speaking out against injustice no matter how tired or you know broken i feel and that is what i'm going to do i know that if anyone tries to treat me like that again that i i will i will i will speak out and i just hope that i can just retrain my way of thinking yes i hope that i can just stop myself from dwelling on the past so much and just think of all the beautiful things Allah has given me now and the fact that i am strong before well you're very brave as well as strong for sitting here and saying what you said and i think that you've already highlighted all of this in the goals that you've already been able to accomplish by sitting here and speaking and being the voice of a lot of people that actually don't have that opportunity or you know they're not at that stage where you are so i think that it's amazing and very brave and inshallah just to wish you all the luck and you know to continue doing what you're doing and the goals that you do set will not just be for yourself but hopefully other people sort of relate and relay it in their daily lives and just one other thing i'd like to say that everything that you've said was amazing but i do understand that that limiting belief and the feeling you have towards men in general inshallah you can open up the light knowing that you know there's always the few out there that give the masses that horrible sort of you know stigma and it isn't everyone and inshallah you can move forward from this in a positive light and i just want to say thank you so much for sitting here and having this session with me and sharing the most you know really it's distressing and it's you know uncomfortable but you managed to pull through and i'm really really honored to be sitting next to you and hearing your story and have you share that for us today thank you so much thank you thank you salamu alaykum thank you so much sister welcome back that was mashaAllah intense one-to-one segment and wow sister fahima you go through a lot to hear from people as a life coach it is very intense but um you kind of develop a way of you know just being empathetic and making it about them and that's what life coaching is about so you know i can easily deal with these situations and it's very very fulfilling and i'm you know really i feel like you know honored to be able to do something like this to sort of assist people in this way um the thing is though this is just a small insight as to what people do go through on a daily basis and um it's not to say that it's um anything close to what Fatima Sahara has you know experienced but we have to know that because she has strength that we actually possess that to and if we have belief like her and strength like her then you know this is what our teachings are this is what we need to take from away from it so i feel that you know that's what gives me the courage to actually give hope to women you know not just from a life coaching perspective but from the teachings of the ahlul bayh from the islamic point of view and i think that's really really important for us to sort of like go back to the core of our values and our beliefs and with women that have gone through that yes it's an extremely extremely traumatic experience and there are stages and phases that you're gonna face and you know um but it can definitely be overcome and there are so much so much you know tools that can be put in place and it's all about the way in which you look at it because a lot of people you know can bring so much goodness out of it there's a lot that can be learned from it there's a lot that can be taken forward and it's what meaning you give to it and you know are you gonna let that situation you know control you or you're gonna take charge and control it and you're gonna you know benefit from you know that that learning you know as much as it it's painful as much as it can affect you there are definitely ways to overcome that and it's it's really powerful to know that you know these things exist and alongside our our faith and our belief and these sort of tools and techniques i think it's really important to go and seek advice right that is very nice because not everyone could actually have this ability to talk to a person and advise them in a very good way and see what they want through and understand because many people nowadays they don't understand your problem they they look at you and they just say they judge they judge you by who will be outside and be like like the girl in the segment where she was saying that people were getting away from me they didn't know what i was going through they didn't understand me so there's a lot of people that do not understand and mashaAllah you have this ability to actually refer everything to ehl al-bayt because who are we compared to what they went through so there there is so much support nowadays that we get like i mean fatima tzahra al-islam she had no one to go to exactly other than her father rasulAllah sallallahu alaihi waalaih and till today we don't understand what she went through so many people say no this didn't happen to fatima tzahra or no she didn't miscarry or no this is too much don't make it too much fatima tzahra this didn't happen to her but they don't know what exactly happened to her just like how some ladies today tell you that people are not understanding what's happening to me i mean they have people generally will deny things that happen but they have their own reasons for doing that maybe there's embarrassment maybe that they don't want it to be highlighted that these things that do exist in our communities and you know it's not to condemn anyone for their opinions but i think that their opinions come from their own experiences as well so what i want to sort of talk to about live coaching is that you know women nowadays can actually speak to somebody in a safe environment knowing that there is a place to go and they're not going to be judged and they're not going to be looked upon in any particular way except for it's about them and it's about them moving forward and taking their experiences and bringing it into something more positive and it's really something that you know we need as women to know that we can take control even in whatever situation we're in because obviously that happened to fatima tzahra even in the worst situation you know it did not stop and she went forward and that's what we gotta do is never give up there is hope and Allah does not put anything on us unless we can handle it so we need to remember these basics and actually practice that because when we are you know when we are sort of like you know given these strategies and challenges to sort of been to sort of like you know experience we always like you know why us or we cannot cope with it but we can yeah Allah gives it to us because it's a test and because he knows you can do it and you can do good with it so that's what we need to remember yes it's all everything yes everything is a test we got to keep remembering that you know in life it's not about you know just doing the rituals of salah and you know going to ziyada and pilgrimage and charity it's about what we do in between that how we treat people how we are treated and how we're going to respond to that and react and building our characters and having the virtues don't say that that happened before we don't have the same in fact we can do much more like you mentioned we have much more support we have much more knowledge we have the wisdom we have people that we can turn to and now we've got people outside the community's life like you know sort of therapy and whatever else there is and that's a lot of support that is a lot of support so don't be afraid and you can turn whatever situation that is negative into a positive and you can bring something you know where someone else can be not you know in the same situation and you can give them hope right so that's what it's really about that was very fantastic and it's very lovely to have you and have a nice conversation with you welcome i'll see you next time thank you dear viewers for watching if you've been affected by the following topics raised in this episode please contact your local gp or for hima muhammad on coachfm1athotmail.com