 My name is Sandak Nin and I'm the author of Malignan Self-Love, Narcissism Revisited. This is a serious opening because it's a serious video. Today we are going to discuss Love Bombing and Grooming and Narcissists and Sadists and Sadistic Narcissists. And what's the common denominator to all these? You. You are in the crosshair. You just don't know it. It's like being the victim of a sniper. By the time you get to know it, you are usually dead. So today we are going to discuss the techniques that lead into your heart. The way the narcissist, the sadist, the sadistic narcissist, the psychopath. I told you in the last video that I make no distinctions between these allegedly separate mental health disorders. But how these people make inroads, how they penetrate your defenses, how they scan your vulnerabilities, the chinks in your armor, and then home in on these like cruise missiles, heat-seeking your heat, the heat of your body, the heat of your soul. So you are a target. Everyone is a target. Perhaps this is the dawning realization, especially during this pandemic when people finally had time to sit alone by themselves and think and realize that they are being targeted by narcissists and psychopaths all the time and that they had been targeted since the inception of life. Narcissists and psychopaths are everywhere by conservative estimates. 5% of the population are narcissistic or psychopathic. Possibly 10% if we add in grandiose borderlines and so on and so forth. That's a lot of people. That's one in every 10 people you know. And so you should rise up to their techniques and so on. And today we're going to discuss two of these, love bombing and grooming. Love bombing is the intense flooding with messages of love, attention, admiration, adulation, etc. In short, it is the written form or the visual form of idealization. The love bombing victim of the love bombing target is simply inundated. Drowns in messages, an endless stream of messages which doesn't leave, doesn't let the target think. The aim of love bombing is to deny the faculty of thought, critical thought, critical thinking. It's by occupying the target's entire attention span. Every minute of her time, the love bomber doesn't allow her to sit back and evaluate what's happening. So love bombing has four functions. First of all, to signal to the target the intensity and the persistence of the interlocutor's correspondence of sensible emotions. The higher the number of messages I'm sending you, the more florid, the more florid and effervescent the language. The more it's an indicator in a signal of how deeply I feel about you. It is intended to chart and to document the growing, all-pervasive attachment that the narcissist or the love bomber allegedly feels. A second function is virtual signaling. It is intended to convey the purity and the authenticity, as well as the good intentions of the love bomber. I love you. I adore you. I worship you. I will never hurt you. The third element is gaslighting. The idea in love bombing is to engender, to foster, to create, and then to impose on the target an immersive virtual reality bubble. I repeat, virtual reality bubble. It's not real. And within this bubble there's a cult-like shared fantasy, or even in extreme cases shared psychosis. This is established by the love bomber, and then it takes hold. And it's very difficult as a target to extricate yourself from these agreed upon conventions, rules of conduct and speech, things that are acceptable and not acceptable, things that you're allowed to do and not allowed to do. Gradually, the love bomber constricts your words, narrows it, closes you down, disconnects you from other people. We'll come to it when we talk about grooming. And the fourth aim of love bombing is to induce the target to enter the hall of mirrors where she is idealized. Remember that I consistently suggest that the narcissist does not exist. There's nobody there. The narcissist is a reification, the embodiment, the personalification of emptiness. It's a walking, talking void. It's deep space. When you look into the eyes of the narcissist, you can see forever. There's nothing to stop your gaze. There's nobody there. There's no back wall. It's like infinite regression, regression with mirrors. So the narcissist is a hall of mirrors, and the narcissist invites you in, into this hall of mirrors, and then you look around and you see yourself reflected a thousand times and then a million times. And this is, of course, the essence of idealization. Idealization means amplification, making you bigger, making you more grandiose, making you omnipresent everywhere. And so when you enter the narcissist's hall of mirrors, you're idealized and you become infatuated with your own rendition. You become infatuated with yourself. And this is, by far, the most addictive experience imaginable. And it results in something we call operant conditioning. You become like Pavlov's dogs. Every time you receive a message from the love bomber, there is this, there is this aggrandizement. There is this sense of infinite possibilities. There is this atmosphere, ambience of adventure and risk and thrill. And you can't extricate yourself. It's absolutely like a drug. It's a drug. It grants the love bomber with the power to withhold access to this contraption. And because you're already addicted, withholding access induces in you withdrawal symptoms, kind of cold turkey. And so the love bomber acquires, with his love bombing, acquires a tool, an instrument to modify your behavior via intermittent reinforcement. You're a good girl. I'll grant you access to my hall of mirrors. I'll continue to flood you with messages. Messages that make you, make you look imperfect, brilliant, omnipotent, omniscient, etc. The love bomber harps, plays on your own narcissism. In effect what the love bomber does, it gradually transforms you and converts you into a narcissist. It's like a vampire. Love bombing is like this proverbial bite on your neck when you're infected with vampirism. And you're going to live forever. You're going to live forever. And you're going to wander the earth and you're going to see the most amazing things. And suddenly all possibilities are open. You feel a sense of liberation, a sense of infinite capacity, a sense of self-actualization that you had never felt before, before and above, or maybe the first time in your life. You love. You're in love with yourself. The love bomber is nothing but a conduit, a channel. You're channeling yourself through the love bomber. And so love bombing is the narcissist's prime, prime entry strategy. Gradually you will have to develop an exit strategy if you want to survive. The narcissist's entry strategy is love bombing. There is a substantial difference though between love bombing and grooming. And people tend to confuse it, especially self-styled experts and so on online. Grooming is a pathological technique, pathological strategy, which leads to criminalized, antisocial or aggressive violent acts. So a pedophile grooms his targets or his victims. The children is about to abuse, molest or exploit sexually. That's what a pedophile does. A sadist grooms his victims. Grooming leads to acts of extreme egregious abuse, usually including violation of physical boundaries. Love bombing is an entirely different thing. Love bombing is a conditioning technique, a conditioning strategy. You know who is love bombing you? Facebook is love bombing you. Every time you get a like on your posts, that's a love bomb, a mini-bomb, but it's a love bomb. The more likes you get on your Facebook post, the more you are being love-bombed. So the principle of love bombing also underlies social media where there is a exact simulated love via likes, via emojis and so on and so forth. Of course Facebook is not grooming you. It's conditioning you. It's creating an addiction. It's making it difficult for you to extricate yourself by leveraging and making use of the dopamine pathway in your brain. The same, narcissists does the same, but there's a big difference between the narcissist and the sexual sadist who is also a narcissist. A sexual sadist will groom you. And the difference between love bombing and grooming is substantial because grooming is intended to achieve six goals. And remember grooming is mostly done by a person who displays symptoms of narcissism, psychopathy and sadism, a kind of dark triad of a different sort. And again grooming is intended to achieve six goals. The first one is to establish mastery, a power hierarchy, an external locus of control over you. So that you feel that you have surrendered your life, that you have surrendered control of yourself, your decision making processes, everything to the outside, to that person. Number two in grooming, to mold the target into a mindless and obedient role play. So if it's a woman, the sexual sadist would usually, usually would try to mold her into an unthinking or satisfy his sexual fantasies without any limit, without any boundary, without ever saying no. The third function of grooming is to overcome the target's natural revulsion and anxiety. When normal people, when healthy people come across a narcissist, come across a psychopath or the sadist, they have this immediate, intuitive, reflexive unease. They feel discomfited and they don't know why. Something is off-key. Some part of the tune is fake and wrong and they know it, but they can't put the finger in it. And Masahiro Mori, the Japanese roboticist, called it the uncanny valley. He said that when robots would come to resemble human beings very highly, very much, we would begin to feel unease with these robots because they are too human. In the same with Nazis and psychopaths and sadists, they are in essence forms of artificial intelligence. They lack the basics of being human, but they look human. They imitate and simulate emotions, cognitions, reactions, behaviors perfectly, yet we feel that something is missing. We feel that it's a simulation, that it's not real, that it's feigned, that it's a forgery of some kind of counterfeit. So there's immediate revulsion and anxiety. And grooming is intended to overcome these reactions by habituating the target, co-opting or hijacking the target's fantasy life. Injecting, the sadist injects himself into the subject's imagination, fears, hopes, wishes, dreams, fantasies, becomes an integral and an inseparate part of these things. The fourth function is to expose the target to brainwashing, messaging and signaling. Repetition does that, repetition, and then co-opting, pretending to have an unspoken, unverbalized, ambient agreement about some things, even if the agreement is never made explicit. So there are sanctions for breach of, for misconduct, for breach of this unspoken atmospheric agreement. And it's a part of brainwashing, it's intermittent reinforcement. You abide by the rules, you follow the conventions and the more is that we had agreed on God knows when, then I'm going to reward you. You don't, I'm going to punish you. And there are numerous ways to punish silent treatment is the most prevalent. The fifth role of grooming is to push the target, to dismantle her boundaries, to abrogate her values and morals, and to violate her own rules of conduct and her own decisions about her life, her goals, the way acceptable things, non-acceptable things and so on. To transform, to shape shift the target so that she is totally disoriented. Her life becomes a kaleidoscope. She's no longer sure what she believes in. She can't be absolutely certain where her boundaries are and what she is going to do or not going to do under extreme circumstances. And so this is inducing a borderline personality disorder like state where there is identity diffusion like multiple personality grooming does that to you. And the sixth role is to isolate you from family and social network. The more isolated you are, the more dependent you are on the source of the grooming. So put together, grooming creates a shared psychotic space within which the shared fantasy thrives on false promises and false premises. And there's a make-believe role-play. Whenever the woman tries to exit this common territory, this common delusional territory, she's punished. If there is physical proximity, she's punished with sadistic sex, egregious abuse, withholding, outright rejection, humiliation. If it's electronic or digital communication, there's silent treatment, there are mocking messages, there are threats. And finally, the only way open to her is to resort to another man with whom she can create an alternative sanctuary, however fantastic, however brief. And so many, many, many such women cheat and the shared fantasy is irrevocably undermined. And this creates in the narcissist or sadist or psychopath, modification. And the woman is not perceived as a threat and she's shunned, mission accomplished. The cheating is one strategy. Betrayal, I would say, is a more generalized strategy. Cheating is one strategy, but for example, challenging the premises and the foundations of the shared fantasy. Not agreeing to serve anymore as a source of narcissistic supply, mocking and deriding the narcissist's grandiosity, humiliating the narcissist in public, in front of peers, colleagues and so on. I mean, there are quite a few strategies, quite a few exit strategies from the shared fantasy or shared psychosis, but they only involve a kind of betrayal. Betrayal of trust, betrayal of unspoken, unspoken, compacts and agreements, betrayal of expectations, dreams, hopes and fantasies, which at some point are shared. Betrayal of the power hierarchy, challenging the narcissist's superiority, challenging the sadist's access to the body, etc. So all these are exit strategies. Now, the question is how do narcissists decide who to target and how do sadists decide who to target? And there are numerous typologies and numerous explanations. There is the absolutely nonsensical concept of empath. And I have a video dedicated to debunking this media hypoenunity. There is the misinformation, the wrong information that narcissists target only specific types of people and magnets and so on. That's absolutely wrong. Research has consistently shown that the only parameter that interests the narcissist is whether the potential partner can provide narcissistic supply or not. End of story. The narcissist targets autonomous, independent, entrepreneurial, strong women, and the narcissist targets weak, not very bright, under-accomplished women. The narcissist targets co-dependence, any targets, totally healthy women. Narcissist targets everyone. Narcissist canvases and scans. Anyone can provide supply. She's a target and she is targeted. There is no type constancy and no preference for any type of profile. This is a myth and utter misinformation. But the narcissist does divide women to a variety of typologies. I've dwelt upon some of these typologies in other videos and today I would like to introduce yet another one. The narcissist divides all women into homemakers, promiscuous women and promiscuous, glamorous women. And so when he's cheated on, abandoned, betrayed, challenged, mocked, humiliated and so on, when the intimate partner tries to exit the shared fantasy which had become dangerous or ominous or threatening or debilitating or and she has to exit, I mean, she can't stand it anymore. When this happens, most narcissists experience a variety of reactions. And one of these reactions is called narcissistic modification. I've dedicated four videos for recently to the issue of modification. How the narcissist experiences, experiences modification. What is the role of modification? Why narcissists seek modification, et cetera, et cetera. But the thing is that narcissists experience modification only with a homemaker, with a homemaker type of partner. The type of partner the narcissist believes can be a stable, long-term intimate partner who is focused on adulation and services, less on sex. Remember there are three S's, sex, supply, services. The homemaker is focused on supply and services. And she's stable, she's, she's homely, she's domestic, she's a service provider, she's loving, she's, you know, and she's very trustworthy. So when something happens with her, the narcissist is modified. And then he tries to transform his external notification into an internal one. He says to himself, she's not like that. Or she's not to blame for her misconduct. It's my fault. My abuse and withholding pushed her to the limit. He overlooks any facts to the contrary, including the homemaker, partners, past promiscuity, and a pattern of betrayal and sexual and emotional licentiousness in her past. He idealizes her. So the first target for lovebombing could be a homemaker, a homebody kind of target, kind of woman, which would fit into this narrative, idealized narrative. Another type of woman the narcissist would tend to lovebomb is the promiscuous, glamorous woman. It's a beautiful woman, entrepreneurial, strong on the surface, autonomous, adventurous, risk-taker, thrill-seeking, a bit psychopathic. And with this kind of woman, the narcissist experiences both retroactive and reactive romantic jealousy. In other words, he is jealous of her past intimate partners and romantic partners and one-night stand partners and whatever. And he's jealous of current possible competitors for her love and attention. Owning this kind of partner who could have chosen any man because she is, you know, drop dead gorgeous and rich. So owning this kind of partner upholds the narcissist's grandiosity, makes you feel unique, irresistible, upholds his sense of virility. Narcissists have very strong problems with gender differentiation and gender roles. They are not quite sure how menly they are. They keep testing. So owning such a partner sort of upholds virility and losing her challenges both grandiosity and manhood or manliness. So it's a big blow for the narcissist, but narcissists would tend to love-bomb this kind of target into submission. And finally, there's the promiscuous only partners. Narcissists with this kind of partner is less likely to love-bomb. He's likely to team up with his partner, but love-bombing is usually not a part of the package because he feels nothing and experiences no reaction. First of all, with this kind of partner, cheating is both expected and accepted as a way out of the shallow relationship, which included farm and sex. And because it's kind of a transient stop-gap partner, transient doesn't mean short. It could be years, but it's a stop-gap partner, not the glamorous promiscuous and not the homemaker, which are the stable partners of the narcissist. So with this kind of partner, love-bombing is much less likely. And it is this kind of partner that the narcissist picks up in bars and restaurants and conferences and so on and so forth. So this is the narcissist, but believe me, the narcissist is harmless compared to the next type I'm going to discuss. The worst, most egregious, hurtful and dangerous type of narcissist, really of any person in my view, is also antisocial, psychopathic and a sadist. Such a narcissist is the sad and corrupted outcome of intermittent reinforcement in early childhood, which resulted in a shattering and never resolved narcissistic modification. Let me try to explain. All narcissists start as children, may come as a shock to you, but they do. So some people, some of these children are first idolized, placed on a pedestal, pampered, coseted, admired, exhibited, and they could do no wrong. They are perfection, reified. And so these children are exposed to unconditional parental worship, not love. Unconditional parental worship, but coupled with conditional love. In other words, as long as the child performs, the worship is unconditional and unlimited. It has no boundaries. The parent actually merges with the child, fuses with the child, which makes it very difficult for the child to separate and individuate and have boundaries. But the love is conditional. And then, abruptly, these children are cast aside, pushed off the pedestal, shunned, discarded, mocked, nightmarishly abused in every which manner. Sadistically criticized, ostentatiously hated. And so this incredibly sudden transition from hero to zero, from God to the least low life scum creature on earth. This transition, remember, it happens to a child who is four years old, nine years old, six years old. And this kind of transition is difficult even for an adult. We have studies of chief executive officers, very rich businessmen and famous people who went to jail. Harvey Weinstein types. They were at the top of the world, the pinnacle of their industry. They control the universe. They own the universe. They were masters of the universe. And then they're in jail in the general population. And we studied their psychology. And it is an incredible crisis. It's an existential modification. Now, this is when it happens to an adult. Adult has boundaries, has experience, has much stronger, has much more resilient. Imagine when it happens to a four-year-old, it's absolutely shattering, pulverizing. And so this creates such abrupt pendulum, pendulum shift. It creates antisocial sadistic narcissists. It's a sub-sub-sub species, sub-group, sub-variant, which are by far the most dangerous. Because they unify all the bad qualities of the narcissist, including the lack of reality testing. In other words, the psychotic elements in narcissism, the delusional elements. Combined with antisocial traits and behaviors, including defiance, lack of impulse control, recklessness, callousness, lack of empathy, extreme lack of empathy, coupled with psychological penetration. And with the urges, uncontrollable urges of the sadists to hurt people, to enjoy the pain inflicted on people. So when you put all three together, you can imagine what you get. And these type of narcissists will stop at nothing to recapture the Garden of Eden ideal state that they had started life with. Remember at the beginning? They were put on a pedestal, pampered, spoiled, worshipped. They want to recapture this state. This is their Garden of Eden from which they had been expelled. This was the ideal state they want to go back to. They want to revert to. So in women, these type of narcissists look for an idealizing mother. They want all women to become mother and to recreate the ideal space, the shared fantasy that I mentioned before. And when the partner fails to do this, they try to fix the intimate partner by force, coercively, using among other things, abuse. And so to convert, to transform the woman or the intimate partner into an idealizing mother, this kind of narcissist uses extreme grooming. Do you remember the six roles or six aims of grooming? This kind of narcissist uses grooming to the point of negating the partner's identity and existence, annulling her, vitiating her, and then assimilating the remnants. So they kind of mummify the partner and then digest the partner. The partner becomes not only an extension like with a classical narcissist, but a part of the sadistic anti-social narcissist. And so abandonment in this case would be the equivalent of amputation. You see, the woman, the intimate partner, is absolutely not a distinct entity, but another organ, like skin. And this kind of narcissists, sadistic and anti-social, they generate a shared fantasy space into which they shoehorn everyone else. Not only, everything I'm saying here does not only apply to romantic partners, intimate partners, love interests. It applies to business partners, colleagues, neighbors. This kind of sadistic anti-social narcissist tries to recreate the ideal space, the garden of Eden, where he used to be God, where he used to walk the earth as a divinity, worshipped by these godlike creatures, the parents. He wants to recreate this, and he wants to recreate it in the workplace, in his family, among his neighbors, in the pub. Wherever he goes, he creates pathological narcissistic spaces, physical spaces within which he is trying to restore the primordial state. And any attempt to exit this space, or to challenge this space, or to modify this space, or in any way, shape or form interfere with this space. It leads to extreme aggression, and the aggression can be so extreme that it could end with murder. It could easily transition to violence, especially under the influence of substance abuse. There's a replay, because when the shared fantasy or the shared space in the case of these narcissists is challenged, it's a replay of the original narcissistic modification with mother. It's a replay, it's a reenactment of the unresolved conflict, the unresolved expulsion from the garden of Eden with the flaming swords. It's the most traumatic experience by far in the narcissist's life. And every time a woman, a boss, a colleague, or a peer, or a try to dismantle the fantastic space, the shared fantasies, the shared psychosis, the cult. Every time they try to bring the narcissists, this kind of narcissists, sadistic and psychopathic narcissists back to reality, every time they try to open his eyes to disabuse him of his delusions, they are actually assuming the role of the original abusing mother, the original angel who cast the narcissist out of the garden of Eden into a life of toil and pain. But you can say what determines whether the narcissistic experience is narcissistic modification, or merely narcissistic injury, or even just searing romantic jealousy when his partner misbehaves, for example, with other men, which is most egregious and extreme form of abandonment and betrayal. What determines the reaction? Well, modification occurs when the rejection is total, when it's abrupt, when it's ostentatious in public, and when the narcissist needs his partner the most. It is a stark reminder of the narcissist's power for self-delusion and gallability. When this happens, the narcissist realizes how sick he is, how deformed, how defective, how dysfunctional. It's very painful. It's very painful. It's annihilating. It's a feeling of coming face to face with yourself as a narcissist, is coming face to face with the ultimate in monstrosity. And the narcissist doesn't consider himself a monster, on the contrary, considers himself a superior, irresistibly attractive proposition. And so abandonment and betrayal, recreating the original abandonment and betrayal by mother, they force the narcissist to confront who he really is, or much more precisely, who he really is never and is not. Because the narcissist is an absence, not a presence. He's not an entity. He's a non-entity. He is not a room full of things. He is a hall of mirrors full of reflections. He is an obstruction, not a human being. How horrifying can it be to come to realize this when all your defenses crumble in a process known as decompensation, when all your delusions are taken away, challenged to the point of breaking. So rheumatic jealousy is a normal reaction to the anticipated loss of a partner. Modification is much more than this. And it has nothing to do with a partner. Modification has to do exclusively with the narcissist. And his ultimate and final confrontation with himself, the dual, you know, guns drawn. No one will stay alive. Now the sexual sadist fantasizes not about sex. It's a common misconception. Sexual sadism is not about sex. It's about power. It's about humiliating, trashing, degrading the woman, the intimate partner. Conventional sex actually leads the sexual sadist to boredom and erectile dysfunction. So there are three types of women in the world of the sexual sadist. And only types one and two acquiesce and cater to his sadistic needs. So the first type is a woman who women who are submissive and they are already deeply in love or irresistibly infatuated with the sadistic, narcissistic, anti-social men. And to get to this stage, the sadist uses grooming. And these women require grooming to be brought to this stage. But when they are in this stage, grooming is no longer needed. They are utterly unthinking robots and they would fulfill any and all sexual fantasies of the sadist. The second group of women are promiscuous masochists. You can find them in sex clubs or through private networks. It takes some effort to find them. And there are huge risks involved usually, medical risks, personal risks. But they are the second type of women who would cater totally to the needs of the narcissistic, sadistic, sexual sadist. The thing is that women in casual sex one night stands, pickups, pickups in bars, hookups. This kind of women would never agree to realize the sadist sexual fantasies. And they also usually demand reciprocity and equipotence. There's a negotiated power symmetry when you pick up a woman in a bar for a one night stand. So this is not the narcissistic cup of tea. It's definitely not what the sexual sadist is looking for. And so the sexual sadist obtains power in two ways. In the grooming phase, he establishes his mastery. And in the sexual phase, he exercises it. Sadists avoid one night stands, so do narcissists, by the way. Contra, contra to misinformation online. Sadist, narcissists, psychopaths love casual sex and one night stands. But sadists and narcissists, they avoid them because they're likely to be unfulfilling and merely provoke a performance anxiety. And casual sex also invariably ends up in a kind of narcissistic injury because the man is rejected or humiliated or abandoned. So within the category of narcissistic sexual sadists, there are those with a strong sex drive, hyper sexual, and a weak sex drive, like in the normal population. And sexual sadists with a weak sex drive, they opt for massive sublimation. In other words, they convert the sexual energy into non-sexual, socially acceptable activities. Ironically, it's exactly this type of narcissistic sexual sadists who would engage in very prolific love-bombing and grooming because it's a substitute for the sex itself. They don't really need the sex. The power it turns them on, obtaining power over some other person, manipulating another person. That is the big turn-on, frustrating another person, causing pain and hurt to another person, penetrating another person's defenses, pushing her to commit suicide. These are the big turn-ons. So sexual sadists with a weak sex drive sublimate and they are the ones actually who engage in interminable love-bombing and grooming, which leads nowhere. They tend to procrastinate, avoid face-to-face meetings and so on and so forth. They only intermittently go for the first type of submissive women or infatuated women. They actually try to avoid this. The problem is that women of the first type, submissive and infatuated, they require an intimate, committed relationship, which most sadistic narcissists are not willing to embark on. Sadistic psychopathic narcissists are looking merely for an admirer, a playmate, a lover to fit into the shared fantasy. I've dedicated a few videos to this. They're looking for a toy because they're children. Most of them are stuck at age four psychodynamically. The equipment they have, the emotional equipment they have, characterizes a child at age four. So they're looking for a toy. And what do children do with toys? Break them, dismantle them, disassemble them, look in the innards, look inside. So narcissistic sexual sadists are the same. They're looking for a toy to dismantle. They're not looking for a wife. They're not looking to become a father. Many sadists, of course, deceive the woman, make false promises to the contrary. And they promise everlasting love. They profess to lust. They say that they're looking for intimacy, a relationship, a marriage, they want to have children and so on. This is standard fair. But they do this in order to secure the three assets, sex, supply and services. Some sexual sadists, some sadistic narcissists, they would go as far as getting married to a woman so as to secure her corporation. It's more rare. But it does happen, absolutely. I mean, there's no limit to how far they will go. So even when the sadist does find the appropriate submissive, infatuated woman, ultimately, when push comes to shove and he's unable to fulfill his false promises and commitments, the women become angry and disappointed that they end up adopting an exit strategy of betrayal, cheating on him in egregious cases or just humiliating him or challenging him. And this leads to an intricate power play within the relationship where the chairs are, the roles are reversed to some extent and the sadistic narcissist gets a taste of his own medicine and it leads to harrowing modification, time and again. And so many narcissistic, sadistic narcissists ultimately decide that the price, the shared fantasy, is not worth the price and the price is grooming and modification. So they exit the scene. And this is why most sadistic narcissists go through inordinately long stretches of celibacy. They're trying to avoid the modification. Now, I did say in previous videos that classic pure narcissists or narcissists who are comorbid with borderline, in other words, people who have both diagnosis, narcissistic personality disorder and borderline personality disorder. These narcissists are looking for modification. This modification is the only time they are free of the false self. The false self is disabled, mortally wounded and the narcissist can finally experience his own identity and existence directly, not indirectly, not via the mediation and the filtering of the false self. So they seek it. They seek modification. They seek to be abundant abruptly and so on, but not so the sadistic narcissists. Sadistic narcissists avoid modification because he knows that his brand of sexuality centered around power matrices, because he knows that his psychology getting cheer and joy out of inflicting pain, because he knows that these are unpalatable and unacceptable. He knows that the relationship is always doomed, well in advance. He knows the sequence. He's going to groom an intimate partner, let's say a woman. He's going to make false promises, if need be. He's going to inflict on her pain and hurt, abuse her egregiously, dismantle her, ruin her identity and sense of self, boundaries, everything. De-constellate her, if you wish. Break her like a toy, disassemble her. She's going to tolerate this. She's going to realize these sexual fantasies, no matter how morbid and bizarre, and barophiliac and deviant and sick, so to speak. She's going to comply with them. She's going to do everything. But she expects something in return. This something is a relationship. It could be a committed relationship, could be a marriage, could be a formal relationship or informal, but a relationship of some kind. And when he fails to deliver this, he knows that she's going to betray him. And in majority of cases, she's going to betray him with another man. And she's going to do it in a way that will hurt him back. He knows this. He anticipates it. He expects it. And so, he realizes that the end of the road, there is a life-threatening modification. And so, a sadistic narcissist would try to avoid this. His shared fantasy does not include a relationship with the classic narcissist or the narcissistic borderline. The shared fantasy always includes a real core, real kernel of a relationship, not so with the sadistic narcissist. There's no hint in his mind. There's no hint of a relationship. It's all about power, mastery, slave, slavery. People with atypical sexuality often give up on sex altogether. Some of them do it in order to not hurt innocent people. So, some of them, you know, don't engage in sex because they don't want to hurt lonely, fragile, broken women or they don't want to do anything bad to children. So, atypical sexuality very often leads to celibacy and abstinence. Or sometimes they find it difficult. It's finding a partner that requires excessive investment of resources and assuming unusual dangers and risks. Or because the sex is likely to result in psychologically or physically dangerous and bad outcomes to themselves and to others. Atypical sexuality gradually leads to isolation, to isolation, abstinence, avoidance, celibacy. It's self-imposed. It's very sad and very painful. But it's the only way to avoid a price which could lead to life-threatening outcomes. And so these sadistic, sexually-sadistic antisocial narcissists they would substitute, they would sublimate their sex rights, their inability to have sex, and they would convert it to flirting, grooming, love-bombing, safe, pseudo-sex, safe approximations of sex, sex by proxy, sex by warrant, verbalized sex. It's very, very, very close to pornography. The rights virtual, it's not real. And so if you were to talk to a sadistic narcissist, he would tell you this. Like every narcissist he would say, my only goal is narcissistic supply. But as a hybrid, antisocial narcissist and sadist, my exclusive form of supply is sadistic. I call it sadistic supply. Such a narcissist would say, I love to embarrass, humiliate, degrade and undermine people, especially women. My sadism is grandiose. It gives me the feeling that I possess the power to so badly damage my devastated interlocutors and intimate partners that it proves to me that I'm omnipotent. It elates me. It's like a rush or a high. It is the confluence of fantastic personal inflation buttressed by the visible impulse of my unmitigated relentless and callous cruelty. Such a narcissist would say, I obtain sadistic supply with my aggressive ostentatious and public defiance of everything my targets or victims hold dear and sacred. Their conventions, their plans, their hopes, their dreams, their wishes. First, I collude with their fantasies and dreams. I act the perfect accomplice, perfect mate, false advertising. But then I destroy everything we have built together with cold indifference and glee methodically. As though I were exclaiming, you can never take me for granted, for I am a force of nature. I will punish you. I ruin you for daring to humanize me, to reduce me to the level of mere mortals for being so blind that you fail to grasp my divine superiority in every way. I do not need you. You don't have anything to offer to me. I will prove it to you by discarding you off-handedly. So the sexual set is harps on people's insecurities, vulnerabilities, weaknesses, mercilessly. He pushes their buttons. He triggers them to the limits of decompensation, disintegration and acting out. All other forms of narcissistic supply and all other forms of psychopathic goals, admiration, recognition, sex, money, power, they are secondary, they are subordinate to the sadistic needs, to the need to inflict pain and hurt, to the need to disassemble, break apart the toy of the sadistic narcissists. So this narcissists sacrifices even classic narcissistic supply. Sacrifices goals, undermines his own goals. From the outside he appears to be self-defeating or self-destructive. But he does this in order to obtain the gratification of watching his target, his praise, victim and rival, of inflicting pain and suffering on them, frustrating them, countering their happiness and joy and often in public. You see, the sadistic narcissists self-destruction causes pain to his intimate partner. It's a sadistic ploy. He destroys himself to spite the other. He destroys himself to cause hurt, to cause the other to feel normal sadness and sorrow and unmitigated, unadulterated depression. And so we see counter-intuitive and very perplexing and paradoxical behaviors. For example, a sexual sadist will give up having sex with a woman, give it up if he can instead frustrate her, reject her, humiliate and hurt her with his reluctance or with his refusal to respond to his signals, cues and advances. A woman would come on to him. A woman would offer herself and his gratification would not be to take her on her offer. His gratification would not be to have sex with her but to deny sex to her. Her evident pain is far greater, a far greater aphrodisiac, far greater supply than anything sex with her can yield. And similarly, the sadistic narcissists will forgo or sabotage great opportunities and rewards just so as to hurt and frustrate the hopes and expectations of others. Now, there is a very big difference between this and the psychopath's behavior. The psychopath does the same things. He frustrates, he hurts people, he has many self-destructive and self-defeating behaviors. He destroys his own opportunities. He rejects life. He forgoes and gives up the joys of life. He's a life negator, the psychopath. So true. But while the sexual sadist does it in order to be gratified, so actually it's a form of self-love, self-destruction in the case of the sexual narcissistic sadist, self-destruction in the case of self-love. It's a form of self-love. In the case of the psychopath, everything has no meaning, no real motivation, no psychodynamic background. It's kind of a fleeting whim. It just wakes up. He does what he feels. It's kind of a shallow surface phenomenon, the psychopath. He has no depth. He's not dimensions. He's not gratified by, for example, drinking, or by casual sex, or by stealing someone's wallet, or car, or hurting someone, hurting his so-called loved ones, nearest, dear ones. The psychopath does things off-handedly, upset-mindedly, or because he feels like it. And he doesn't have to feel like it very much. It's enough that the thought doesn't affect it. It's like a hair-trigger variant of the narcissistic sadist. And so psychopaths are not motivated by self-gratification. Narcissistic sadists are. It's a very crucial difference how to tell these two types apart. But what happens when you have all three? Psychopath, narcissists, and sadists in the same person, in the same diagnosis? Well, it depends. In some situations, psychopath will take over. In other situations, the narcissist and when it comes to sex, intimate partners, and so on, probably the sadists. And the thing is that in narcissism, exactly like in borderline, in narcissistic personality disorder, the same with borderline personality disorder, the psychopathic dimension is not primary psychopathy. It's secondary psychopathy. First, the narcissist or the borderline are triggered by something. The borderline is triggered by abandonment and rejection or anticipated abandonment and rejection. The narcissist is triggered by a narcissistic injury, lack of supply or modification. First, there's a trigger. Only then the psychopath takes over as a defense mechanism, as a defense strategy. Psychopath then takes over in this case. And the narcissists and borderline act psychopathically, defiantly, without impulse control, without foreseeing or considering the consequences of their actions, without empathy, callously, recklessly, etc. These are all psychopathic behaviors and these social behaviors. But they come second. They are reactive to a primary psychodynamic process in the borderline. Abandonment, anxiety, loss, anxiety, and in the narcissist the need for supply and buttressing grandiosity. So, grooming and love bombing are integral parts of the strategies of narcissists, sadists, narcissistic sadists and psychopaths to acquire targets Hoover in case it's a second attempt. To acquire or Hoover targets who would later become accomplices, co-actors, colleagues, if you wish, in a production, in the theater production of the narcissist's life in the shirt fantasy, in the shirt psychotic space. These are never-never lens like Michael Jackson's, like Peter Penn's. These are the never-never lens in which a deeply wounded, deeply traumatized, sad, profoundly sad and crying child of four years old, wonders. He tries to find the way back to paradise, the way back to heaven. And it's paved with good intentions sometimes. But all he succeeds to do is hurt everyone around him and his prime victim is himself.