 Look out Disney Plus' Hocus Pocus 2, Netflix has its own bag of tricks, with The Curse of Bridge Hollow. The Curse of Bridge Hollow is a new film for the whole family, just in time for Halloween. And my whole family watched it. And now we hate Halloween. I think it's based on a book. I can't be bothered enough to look. It would take me five seconds, but honestly that's five more seconds than they took making this movie. Oh god, when a family moves to a new town, a teenage girl accidentally releases an unspeakable evil that starts taking over all the Halloween decorations. And now she must team up with the most unlikely of allies to stop this witchcraft. Her father. Marlon Wayne's plays Howard Gordon. We've sure come a long way since White Shicks, haven't we? He's an idiot. He's all about science and he's unwilling to think about anything supernatural. Listen, listen, I'm all about science myself. But if I see objects coming to life, flying around the neighborhood, zombies rising from the graves... Yeah, I'm willing to throw in pretty quickly, especially when a giant spider is attacking you. He's all in though on his principles and ideas, so it becomes a frustrating chore to see him eventually have to give in. It's like watching Skully from the X-Files on crack. But even she had some give when being abducted by aliens. Nothing phases Marlon in this movie. Not even a sassy daughter, Sydney, who really thinks very little of him. She doesn't respect this cuck of a man, this empty shell of a person he must have been at one point in time before marriage. Which, let's be honest, is the death of us all. A lot of these streaming movies just don't feel like movies. They're just digital imposters. And it's not just Netflix or Hulu or Peacock or whatever, it's all of them. They rush these things out. They have a meager budget. They get decent celebrities to show up here and there. But at the end of the day, what the hell am I watching? This is not scary. It's not compelling. It's not really funny. It's not engaging. It's just there. It's the she-hulk of movies. Usually when a movie's done and I care even a little bit, I'll take some notes for the movie review. I forgot everything I watched in this movie one second after the credits started to roll. It has no impact. Wait, I can think of one moment. And that's when Marlon Wayne's character has a chainsaw and he starts ripping through, I don't know, football players with red eyes. Like, I'm so over this guy already that even that one tiny little cool part in the film couldn't bring me back from the dead. Because he's so naive throughout it that I just wanted to throw everything I had at him. But I know it's a lost cause. I'm just hitting a television. I'm just hurting myself at the end of the day. He can't feel that. Listen, I brought up Hocus Pocus 2 earlier. That movie's also a trainwreck. But I think back to the original and movies that came out around that time, like The Addams Family. Like the old Batman Returns and whatnot. And I just look at those films from like a cinematic standpoint. Even freaking Hocus Pocus 1 had good environments. It had good lighting and shadows. There was actual emotion you could get out of the film. You felt like you were in the woods, you know? It had charm to it. Especially Addams Family. Addams Family and Addams Family values. I love those films. Those are national treasures. These digital imposters have absolutely no substance behind them. There's zero atmosphere. I can't feel like I'm immersed at all in what's happening. And that's a problem. That's a big problem because then you're just sitting there thinking like, Okay, well, I wasted an hour and a half while I'm eating my dinner instead of like actually engaging with my family in a conversation. So I guess it kind of, it kind of did its job. Even Cindy's friends in the movie just feel like stock characters they pulled in. Like we got Nerd Kid. We got Hot Topic Goth Girl. We got Flannel Joe and that rounds out the ensemble. I should point out that Howard is married in the movie. No one told him. She set up a baking booth in the middle of the town square just looking for a customer or at least a family member to stop by and give her some support. They don't. She's a bad cook, to be fair. But that's no reason to ignore her, especially when the town is under attack by blow-up characters that have come to life and are trying to kill you. I think they're trying to kill you. There's zero threat throughout the entire film. Nothing, nothing even like lifts a tiny bit of a hair on your arm. And even when they get ahold of people, they don't really do much. They just kind of like not a little bit on the skin. There's no blood. There's no flesh even torn. Not really making a meal out of it. I can tell you that much. Anyway, he doesn't even warn her. He doesn't call or check in at all until like way later. It's like, dude, your wife is out in the fray. She's in the cut and you just don't even seem to care. Respect. Now if you're looking for a way to waste a couple hours of your family's time, maybe get the kids off of your back. This will do the trick. It's pretty harmless. There is swearing though. The teenage girl, she doesn't mince words. Quite a bit of dams, maybe an occasional shit, a hell. There's some loose language being thrown around. So if you're one of those Karens out there that is ready to clutch their pearls, this is the movie for that. There's some salty language here. Otherwise, not much else. Effects are pretty lame. There's a cool giant pumpkin that blows fire at some point. That's, that's fun. That's about it. Well, that's my review of the Curse of the Bridge to Terabithia. It's not good. And I know it's not called that, but we're having fun here. 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Yeah, this was done live and then edited down to a nice easy, peasy seven or eight minutes for your pleasure. Take care.