 Item number SCP-029-J Object Class Euclid Special Containment Procedures SCP-029-J is currently considered tentatively contained. Due to the low-risk nature of SCP-029-J, police reports are to be monitored for potential reports of SCP-029-J. Class-A amnestics are to be administered as necessary. At this time, no additional containment procedures are required, pending review yearly on January 12th or as needed. Deprecated as April 21, 2017, Foundation agents are to attempt to contact SCP-029-J in order to attempt to discern more stringent containment procedures. At this time, for resource and sanity reasons, additional attempts to contact SCP-029-J are not considered conducive to study and are to be discontinued. Description SCP-029-J is an adult male of a parent Middle Eastern descent, who claims to be Jesus Christ. SCP-029-J is exclusively found in the Newark, New Jersey area, posing as a four-hire driver using the application Uber. Foundation agents contacted Uber to request the driving records and registration of SCP-029-J. No records were found. Upon being assigned to a subject request, SCP-029-J's vehicle is listed as a flaming hot ride of the current year and is always one minute from the pickup location. Of note, the Uber application does not allow this to be listed as a model name. SCP-029-J's vehicle has been determined to be a multi-entity combination, designated SCP-029-J1 through SCP-029-J4. SCP-029-J's vehicle has been shown to take a variety of appearances. Disability is contingent upon the concentration of SCP-029-J1 through 4. These entities have to date proven easily distracted, leading to a high incidence of sightings of SCP-029-J, especially around the Christmas and Easter holidays. The entities that comprise SCP-029-J's vehicle are as follows. SCP-029-J1 has been identified as a throne. Throne are depicted as great wheels containing many eyes and reside in the area of the cosmos where material form begins to take shape. They are usually depicted as the literal movers of the throne of God. SCP-029-J1 takes the physical form of all four wheels. SCP-029-J2 has been identified as a seraphim, and most likely as Michael. Seraphim are usually depicted as having six wings, one pair covering the face, another the feet, the last to fly with. They are not normally depicted as humanoid. SCP-029-J2 makes up the chassis. SCP-029-J3 has been identified as an archangel, most likely Gabriel. Depictions of Gabriel usually include a horn of some variety, with which he proclaims God's Majesty. Reports of Gabriel's physical form vary. SCP-029-J appears to only include Gabriel's voice, and is the radio and sound system. SCP-029-J4 has been identified as a group of twelve cherubim. Cherubim have varying descriptions, from four wings and four feet, to even having four faces, an extraordinarily complicated arrangement of faces and wings, feet and glowing coals in their mouths. Reports are inconsistent, varied, and almost invariably inhuman and eldritch. SCP-029-J4 are situated in front of SCP-029-J1-3, and pull the entire collection as draft animals. Addendum 1. Remote Surveillance Prepared by the Department of Intelligence Reporter Agents Richiarty and Stokes Data Report December 21, 2016 Incident Collection of Remote Surveillance Summary SCP-029-J has appeared with a 1.7% chance to date, to any particular user's request. An important note is that SCP-029-J can appear in multiple places at once, and has been observed to be given a maximum of seven rides at once. Valerie McIntyre requested a ride from a location in Harrison, New Jersey, to the Prudential Center in downtown Newark. A transcript of an encounter between SCP-029-J, SCP-029-J1-4, and Valerie McIntyre was captured with a laser microphone on December 17, 2016. Transcription of Surveillance Inbald Foundation Assets Agent Rocco Richiarty, Level 3 Intelligence Division Agent Lisa Stokes, Level 1 Intelligence Division, Probational Encountered Anomalies SCP-029-J SCP-029-J1 SCP-029-J2 SCP-029-J3 SCP-029-J4 SCP-029-J1 SCP-029-J2 SCP-029-J3 SCP-029-J4 SCP-029-J2 SCP-029-J3 SCP-029-J4 SCP-029-J4 Alright, shut up, shut up, they're coming. You think you can pull this off? SCP-029-J2 has the appearance of a late model sedan. No identifying badges can be seen. His license plate reads S-P-Q-R-S-U-X. I don't really care. You think that supply-side Jesus stuff is okay? Whatever. At least you're not riding on your fucking eyes, Mike. Stop moaning, Ray. Gabe, shut up and start the music. Fine, fine. Rock Me Sexy Jesus from the Hamlet 2 soundtrack can be heard playing from SCP-029-J3. Mackintyre approaches the car. Hi, Jesus? Pronounced as the Hispanic worm? Actually, it's Yeshua, but you can call me Jay if you want, that's me. Awesome, thanks. Mackintyre opens the door to SCP-029-J's vehicle. SCP-029-J4 begins making sounds approximating an engine turning over, and idling, poorly. The rain rain! Comfortable back there? Would you like a bottle of water? I've got refrigerated, mineral, holy, transubstantiated into wine. Uh, haha, no, I'm alright, but it's a little warm, can you turn up the AC? SCP-029-J leans down towards the dashboard. Come on, Mike, ease up the fiery wings a bit, she's uncomfortable. I swear, I've led God's forces to glory for thousands of battles! I'm supposed to be your general, but now I'm climbing the control for lazy millennials today! Sheesh! SCP-029-J2 ceases to appear in the late model sedan, and can be seen in its angelic form. See description. Its wings make up the bulk of the vehicle's chassis, with its face situated where the rear axle should be. SCP-026-J1 continues to appear with non-anomalous wheels. Holy fuck, what the fuck, Jesus Christ, what the hell is this? Hey, that's not very nice. Don't be a dick to Mike and Ray. Yeah, what the deuce, lady? I've got human butt meat on my face, and you're screaming at me! I'm trying to do you a favor with the fire here! SCP-029-J2 returns to its physical appearance of a late model sedan. SCP-029-J1 begins turning at this point, prompting Foundation agents to follow. Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow. You okay, Ray? Broken glass. Ow! Just had to pick the most rundown hellhole on Earth. New Jersey! Mack and Tyre had begun screaming at this point, and attempting to leave SCP-029-J's vehicle, but is unable to climb over SCP-029-J2. Oh god, oh god, oh god, please help me! Yeah, I'm trying. Calm down, lady. Ray, come on, man. Say the thing. Alright, alright. SCP-029-J1 can be heard making a sound similar to clearing its throat. Be not afraid! Mackintyre stops panicking and appears shocked and agitated. Are you fucking with me? That's it? Be not afraid? Hey! It was good enough for his mom. Wait. Mom? What the fuck? You're literally Jesus? That's not just a name? Of course. We're all here to try and reach the people. And what better way but through Uber? Jesus saves. You a trip. Haha. Several seconds pass. SCP-029-J3 ceases to play music. Awkward. By the way, we're here. Also, Owl? Open the fucking door. Oh, come on, lady. I'm Jesus Christ. Lamb of God. I'm here to help. Just open the door. Okay, okay, no need to crucify anyone or anything. Haha. Several moments pass. No? Alright. Open the door, Mike. SCP-029-J2 opens the side door, and Mackintyre quickly accesses into the building. Freak! Several moments pass in silence. So… Think she's gonna tip us? Final note. According to SCP-029-J's profile, it was rated 1 star for this ride. Addendum 2 – Direct Foundation Contact Prepared by the Department of Intelligence, Reporter, Agent Matthews, Data Report, April 24, 2017. Incident – Direct Contact with Object On April 19, 2017, Foundation agents successfully acquired SCP-029-J as their driver after redacted unsuccessful attempts. SCP-029-J simultaneously picked up 12 separate containment teams at the same time. The following is a transcript between SCP-029-J, the various entities that make up SCP-029-J's vehicle, and Agent Matthews, an expert Abrahamic religious studies and a trained field agent. Transcript of Encounter Inbal Foundation Assets Agent James Matthews, Level 2, Religious Containment Abrahamics Encountered Anomalies SCP-029-J SCP-029-J1 SCP-029-J2 SCP-029-J3 SCP-029-J4 Alright, you guys have been trying to get me into containment for what feels like 40 eons, so I guess we should talk. Excuse me? I'm just trying to get to Forest Hills. Agent James Matthews, Age 31, Foundation Level 2 Agent. You have two kids, a wife, and are having an affair with Jenny from HR. Agent Matthews appears distressed. Wait, what? How did you know about Jenny? Did you actually just ask God how he knows something? Agent Matthews lifts his lapel mic slightly. I'm not having an affair. Whatever, man. You know he knows everything, right? Agent Matthews is informed of the other containment teams also being detained by SCP-029-J. Wait, how are you here? Okay, say it with me. Omni, Omni-pa, Omni-pru- Agent Matthews sighs. Omni-present, Bingo. Okay, so you know who I am and what I'm here for, so I guess my question is, why? I've gotten a bad rap. We're here to try and improve my image. And who exactly is we? I'm the wheels. I'm the body. We're the engine. Broom-broom! Yeah, me, Ray, Mike, Gabe, and the Cherubs. I was just gonna have Ray do it, but it wasn't a great idea. He's a kick-ass set of wheels within wheels, but he doesn't get XM radio. I guess you could say this is a real electric car. Several moments pass in silence. See, in the septal gland, hostile ball was translated as lectum, and from there… No, I got it. I'm one of maybe four people in the world who would get that joke. And it still isn't funny. SCP-029-J3 ceases playing the Jesus Christ Superstar soundtrack. Awkward. If he knows we're angels, can I talk now? My throat's getting dry from singing the whole time. No, you're the radio, Gabe. Fine. Who are you and what do you say you are? SCP-029-J3 continues vocalizing. Your singing sucks, Gabe. You can't hit any of Judas' high notes properly. Shut up, Mike. At least I don't have to get my wings dinged by drunks every night. At least you don't have to drive on your eyes all night. Every night! SCP-029-J4 becomes visible, as a group of 12 visually non-anomous Welsh corgis. I'll be getting food soon. They're the whole all guys on Halsey. Heavenly host, I command you to stop complaining or so help me I'll turn this chariot around. SCP-029-J1-4 Unison. Yes, sir. Sorry, sir. So, wait. You're telling me this car that I'm in right now is the Archangel Michael as the chassis, the Archangel Gabriel as the radio, Raziel, Lord of Thrones as the wheels, and is pulled by 12 cherubim, and is driven by Jesus. Give this man a shekel! I figured if I do this people can really get to know their savior. Okay. So, isn't your chariot supposed to have this giant multitude of angels move the heavens and the earth, everything like that? SCP-029-J hesitate for a moment. Usually, yes. Circumstances were slightly different. Dad wouldn't lend me the regular throne chariot, so instead I've got my own sweet whip to drive people around in. SCP-029-J sweet. Whoa, okay. So, why did all the angels help? I owed him for a taco, and he said we'd be square. He said he'd watch my dogs next weekend while I'm in Cabo. I just like singing. Wait, this is voluntary? Okay, one last question. Of course. Why do the cherubim look like corgis? They always look like that. How do you guys keep getting the description so wrong? I'd like to get out of the car, please. Final notes. After this incident, containment procedures were updated to reflect the current state. Addendum 3. Human Resources Request Prepared by the Department of Human Resources Reporter Agent Matthews Data Report April 30th, 2017 Content Agent Matthews' resignation letter, in its entirety. I am not studying Jesus' fucking Voltron Angel car anymore.