 There was something that I wanted to talk about today actually that was really heavy on my heart and I wanted to, you know, I wanted to bring it to you because I read in the, there's a narration that our mother, insha'Allah, when she was in the end of her life that she was known to actually sit alone and cry and say to Allah SWT, Ya Allah, what is this thing that you created called Aisha? What is this thing that you have created, Ya Allah? Where basically, you know, by the time she reached her late 50s and early 60s, it was something that she even, she was like contemplating and those moments, you begin to go over your life and you start to say like, you know, who am I and what have I done and what have I accomplished? And one of the things that for me reminds me of it, like it really heavy, is that when it just, when the Prophet, Salatunahu As-Salamu Alayhi, actually describes that first, what they call the minor day of judgment, that when the angel of death comes and he takes the soul, SubhanAllah, taking it from this portion and it begins to be removed. And then they wrap the soul, either it's taken, of course, with gentleness and love, like I said, like milk being poured from a pitcher. Oh, yeah, I don't want to talk about the opposite, that's not what I'm talking about today. But SubhanAllah, then the angels actually come and they wrap the soul, either in a very beautiful cloth or a very putrid smelling like wretched cloth. And as they're going through, as they're going through the heavens for this what's considered the minor day of judgment, the angels approach the first door of heavens and they ask, and the angels, basically they ask for permission and they say, well, who is it? Right? Who is it that's come? And they say, well, this is such and such and they give the person's name and they say, you know, they're lineage, like this is Fatima, the daughter of Muhammad, the son of Abdullah. So they begin to give a list and then they say, well, what was said about this person? Right? And so then the, basically the angel who's accompanying the soul begins to repeat what people said about the person in the world. So if they say, well, this is a dakira, this is the salihah, this is a mughnisa, this is someone, this is a woman of charity, this is a woman of kindness, this is a woman, right? This is a woman of salah, she's of those who used to cry to Allah in the night. This is the mashallah, this is Ahlul Qura'an, this is someone of Qura'an. And then the angel, Subhanallah, actually then allow, right? Allow the soul to then enter that level of the heavens until they reach the seventh. And then this particular, this seventh, this gateway, is they say it to the throne of Allah, Subhanahu Wa Ta'ala. And this is where it becomes another level. And at this level, Subhanallah, when it's basically the words that they've been hearing about this soul are then pretty much weighed, to not on a scale, it's different. It's not the Mizan, it's not the major day, but this is their kind of weight. And then Allah Subhanahu Wa Ta'ala actually speaks because there's a judgment that's given about how this soul will return to the grave. And so Subhanallah, at each door, for example in the beginning, it's like, okay, is this a person of Shahada? Is this someone who then prayed their prayers? Did they pray it correctly with the correct fiqh? Then it's like, okay, did they pray it, you know, with concentration? But then Subhanallah, when they get to this, and it's, of course, it's not just only the salat, but other actions, other deeds that Allah Subhanahu Wa Ta'ala has asked of them. But when they get to that seventh door, it's the door of sincerity, right? It's the gateway of sincerity. And so now it's no longer about what the people have said. It's no longer about the words that have actually been thrown out. It's actually now, is it that what they've presented to the people, yes, inside the masjid they were from the Muslim, right? Yes, you know, and with their family, they were those who prayed. But when everyone laughed, did they actually pray, right? That when everyone, you know, they were the people who were generous and kind in front of people, right? But maybe Subhanallah, what did, you know, when their children speak about them, what do they say? Does it match? But then at that door of sincerity, it's Allah Subhanahu Wa Ta'ala is now speaking to the internal condition of that soul, right? Allah Subhanahu Wa Ta'ala is then saying, actually, may Allah Subhanahu Wa Ta'ala not number us in this category of those I'm about to describe. But there are those that Allah Subhanahu Wa Ta'ala then says to the Melaika, actually they were not of those who prayed. There was no khudur, there was no khusho, there was no khudur, there was no ekhlas, that they prayed in front of people. And the scary part in this narration is that it speaks to that these deeds, Subhanallah, are then some of them are thrown back on this person's face, right? And the angels will say to Allah Subhanahu Wa Ta'ala, ya Allah, we didn't know, right? We didn't know, we didn't know what was in their hearts. We're just looking at the record and according to the record, they prayed, right? Fajr, we have it, the words, we have it, it's written that they prayed. But Allah Subhanahu Wa Ta'ala is saying, now we're looking at their internal condition and that determines how that person is going to spend their time in the grave. I didn't speak to the depth of that, Subhanallah, with your daughters. Alright, and we're like, oh my God, is that what she's saying? But when we're talking about identity, that for us, it's different, right? Sometimes we do things because that's what we've been doing. I grew up doing that, or that's what my family does, right? Or we do it because that's the group of people that we are around. But in reality, there will come a day when the truth of who we are will speak. As we know that on Yomu Qiyamah, Subhanallah, our eyes will speak and tell Allah Subhanahu Wa Ta'ala exactly what happened, right? Our mouth will speak and not from our command, right? Our hands will speak and not from what, you know, not from our command. That these things, and I ask Subhanallah, like, why would our eyes speak? Why are our ears going to speak? Why are our hands going to speak? Because they're going to tell the truth of the reality, right? They're going to be able to say, listen, this is what really happened, right? This is the reality of this human being. I mean, you're not, that day, you won't be able to cover it up, right? And so then it becomes incumbent upon us to be able to say, who am I really? And how am I going? Not only to, this is not just about my integrity. How am I going to really be from amongst the muminin? How am I going to really be with the people of the Asali-Hain, the Salihat? How am I really going to gain the kind of internal character, the kind of internal purity, the type of internal relationship with Allah Subh'anaHu Wa Ta-A'la that's going to be something that I know that my deeds are not going to be thrown back, right? Like, it's not just Subhanallah because it's true. Sometimes we pray because other people are praying. Or we even pray because, okay, we told our children we have to pray so now we're praying for ... right? But what is it for us to say, I'm not ... I'm not even praying to you when we get to the level, right? I'm not even praying to you because you commanded me. I'm praying to you because I love you. I worship you because you're Allah and you deserve to be worshiped. I worship you because I love you. I worship you because I want a relationship with you. I want to be close to you. I want to be exactly who it is that you created me to be. I don't want any other being, any other woman. I don't want to be her. I want to be the woman you want me to be. Adore me with the qualities that you love. Make me that person. That's really what our Ibadah is about. That's really what our relationship with Allah Subh'anaHu Wa Ta-A'la is about because there are two things. We look at them, you know, we look at them on the higher level. We say, oh Allah, if I don't get the house of gold, or the house of pearls, or the streets of gold, or the one woman's scarf in Jannah will be worth the entire dunya and everything in it. One of her scarves. Some women are like, I remember one time I told a group of that and they're like, wait, we have to wear hijab in the Jannah? And I was like, if you want, it's just one of her scarves. It's just like an accessory if you want it, right? That is worth more than everything in the dunya. But even in that, are we thinking about, are we thinking about, Ya Rabbi, I want Jannah because what are you going to give me? Because the stuff, right? Like that's on the Akhirah side. On the dunya side. And we're saying, well, you know, I'm worshiping Allah Subh'anaHu Wa Ta-A'la because, you know, He'll give me success. He'll give me money. He'll give me a family. He'll give me this or that or whatever. My children will be, I'm praying for my children. You know, I want my children. I want my child to be a surgeon, right? Or the next CEO of this company. Or I want, you know, I just, I don't want them to, I don't want them to do bad things. So I'm praying because I just don't want my children to do bad things. Why? Because I don't want to be ashamed in public. I don't want, you know, I don't, that we're, we're really, even though Subh'anaHu Wa Ta-A'la, it's, we're inside the Dean, right? We're coming to the Masjid. We're doing all the things. But then there's the underlayer of like, still I'm concerned for, I'm still concerned about what people think of me. Really, I worship Allah. Not really because I want Allah Subh'anaHu Wa Ta-A'la because I just worship Allah because I'm just afraid that if I don't, then I won't have a good life. That's still, I, it's still you're worshiping Allah Subh'anaHu Wa Ta-A'la based upon what he gives you or he doesn't give you. It's still not a relationship with Allah. It's actually Dean for Dunya. Actually there's still, believe it or not, you're saying, well I'm not, we're not outside the fold of Islam, we're Muslim but there's still a shirk in our Ibadah. We're still associating something with our Ibadah. We're still associating my worship with Allah with what he's going to give me. That's why I worshiping Allah Subh'anaHu Wa Ta-A'la. Not because he's Allah, but you know, yeah, I know he's Allah, yeah, that's good. Yeah, Alhamdulillah. But I don't really have a relationship with Allah. What I have a relationship with is like, I want a good husband, right? I want a really nice house in the suburbs. I want like a two car, right? I want like the minivan and the SUV, you know, maybe if my husband gets a motorcycle, he can go on the weekends, whatever it is, right? Whatever it is. This is for us where we have to be concerned with, right? Because what if, what if you are tried? What happens if, what happens if you're worshiping Allah Subh'anaHu Wa Ta-A'la because this is our current state? What if I'm worshiping Allah and I'm still tried? I'm worshiping Allah and I still get sick. I'm worshiping Allah Subh'anaHu Wa Ta-A'la and something still happens with my family. Something still happens with my marriage. Something still happens with my health. Something still happens with my children. What happens then? Sometimes people lose their iman because they're saying, well, Ya Rabbi, I worship you, so now you owe me, right? I worship you. How did, how did I get here? This wasn't supposed to happen. And it's because Allah Subh'anaHu Wa Ta-A'la knows the secret about yourself that you weren't willing to tell yourself. And that is, you're worshiping me because of what I give you or I don't give you. That the relationship is not sincere. The sincere relationship with Allah Subh'anaHu Wa Ta-A'la is like that moment of haja. Well, she's in the desert all by herself and a child. Like, seemingly, you got nothing. You got no home. You've been long taken from your tribe. You've got no land of your own, meaning you're far away from your original country. You're far away from any tribe who knows anything about who you are. At that time, Hajar did not speak the language Subh'anaHu Wa Ta-A'la of what would become the Meccan Valley. So you are totally foreign. It doesn't even matter that you're foreign because there's nobody here. Nobody's even here. And then when they come, they don't know you. So you could still be alone in a group of people. That's when I think about our mother, Hajar. I think about that. And then, Subh'anaHu Wa Ta-A'la, it's not just, it's one thing to say I'm alone in a group of people. I'm in a strange land. I don't have the protection of my husband. I don't have the comfort of my family. I don't have, like, my sister. I can go over to her house and laugh about it. Remember when we were kids and dad did that? I don't have any of that. But on top of that, I still have to maintain a level of strength for the to raise this child. I still have to maintain a level of happiness to raise this child. I still got to maintain, I got to show up every day as a mom and be perky and be a role model. Right? She's, that's another, some people's like, oh, that's comfort. That's like, whoa, y'all, y'all. Honestly, it's seeming like, y'all don't be, I already suffered. I came, I came, I showed up. Why? I'm a mothered hodja and I talk about her a lot because her life for me is just fascinating. Her life for me, just her moments of like, it's just absolutely fascinating to me. Like, what kind of iman is that? What kind of towakul is that? What type of yaqeen is that? What kind of perseverance is that? Allah SWT says, I'm going to build a whole city around you. Like, this relation, this, like, the, the, the ones that Allah SWT brags about. Right? The ones that Allah SWT brags about. And the Quran, I'm like, Subhanallah. This is just, this is something amazing. This is, that's something we could just study their life. But when you are, if you imagine those moments, just have one thing clear, that if all those things about my identity are stripped away, my culture doesn't matter in this moment. My tribe doesn't matter if I had any money, I don't have it now. Right? If I had a, if I had a great husband who was very influential, masha'Allah, my husband was a prophet, my husband is a prophet of Islam. Well, he's not here now. Now who are you? Now who are you? What's the importance of it? And that's when we get to the most baseline answer. That we are servants of Allah SWT. That we are His creation. That we are His creation. He created us and we're going back to Him. And the only thing that's actually going to matter, all the other stuff, literally is gonna, is gonna decay in the grave. What's gonna matter is who we were to Allah and who we are to Allah. That's what's gonna matter. And not the, even if we associated, right, the give or the not give, the fear of the give and take with Allah SWT, that's not even gonna, that's not even, that part is gonna crumble. And it's gonna be like, are you sure you had a relationship with me? Or did you just have a relationship with your hopes and fears? So that's what we have to distill down to. Ya Allah, do I have a relationship with you? Do I know you? Do I praise you? Do I spend time just contemplating with you? Not connected to other people? Not connected even to myself? This is what our great scholars and the Oviyaat used to talk about when they talked about the annihilation. When Allah, I'm just, I'm just something you created. The only thing that's going to matter, that's going to matter, make any difference about who I am, about all of my identity or who I think I am in the world. The only part that's gonna matter is who I was to you and what my relationship is with you. And so even as you're reading the Qur'an, you gotta think about, Ya Rabbi, from this Qur'an, teach me about you. How do I, the lessons, when you're telling me the story about Musa and Khidr, what does it tell me about you? When I'm learning the story about Maryam, what does it teach me about you? When I'm reading through the Qur'an and learning the lessons about the two men in the garden in Surat al-Kaf, what does it teach me about you? Ultimately, the only reality is La ilaha ilna Allah. And even inside of the next of it, Muhammad, the Rasulullah, is just to guide you back to, who is your Lord? Even the Prophet, sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, is just saying, I just came to show you who is your Lord. I just came to guide you back to, who is Allah? I just came to teach you how to be loved by Allah. How to be loved by Allah, how to matter to Allah, how to be noticed by Allah, how to be accepted by Allah. That's what the Prophet, sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, and now that's a big deal. Don't get me wrong, right? That's why he's saying you didn't know. Because even inside of the who the Prophet, sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, who he is, right? And there are things about him that show us, like, okay, yes, we know he's out of, he's from this family above. But in the end, what matters about the Prophet, sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, what I said, I came to, I came to connect you to Allah. I came to lay the pathway so that your pathway to Allah, subhanahu wa ta'ala, would be easy. So even subhanallah, as you are identifying ourselves as wives, as mothers, do you identify yourself as a wife to say, I'm here to say, how can I make my husband's pathway to Jannah easy? How can I be closer to Allah through him, by him? By my relationship with him, how can I become closer to Allah? Why? Because Allah is the reality. Good or bad, how are my children amines by which I become closer to Allah? And when it comes to my relationship with my children, how am I a pathway by which they get to Jannah easy? Why? Because if I become the pathway by which they know Allah, Alhamdulillah! Alhamdulillah! So are we amines of ease for them to meet Allah? Or are we actually an obstacle in their way to their relationship with Allah SWT? When we think about the people in our life, are we amines by which we facilitate their relationship with Allah SWT with ease? Are we like a spoke in the wheel? Are we a reminder? Are we a warning? Are we a blessing? Are we a guidance? Who are we? At the end, that's when Allah SWT says, I created you for no other purpose except to worship me. Meaning that once you understand that it's about your relationship with me, all that other stuff, if you still want it, if you still want it, I'll tell you a narration. It's a true story where once I was sitting with my, it's a group of women, we were in a, we were having a gathering in my house and we went around and we asked everyone, what is it that you yearn for? What is it that you yearn for? And everybody, you know, we were in the desert at the time, so some people were like, I yearn for a washing machine. Some were like, I yearn for air condition. I was like, I yearn for red lobster. People were like, what do I yearn for? And we got to my teacher and my teacher said, I yearn to gaze upon Allah and never blink. And that's the description of the highest level the people who are just in the company of Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala and they never blink. Now there's another level where people see Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala on Juma. There are some who see, but they're the highest level of those who are in the company of Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala and they never blink. Now some of us, I remember when she said that, do I even have a heart that knows to yearn for that? Do I have the kind of soul that knows that that's something valuable? Or do we start thinking about well do I get to go back down to my house made of pearls? Am I still going to get the streets of gold? Am I still going to get the super handsome husband? Some of us are still thinking about the stuff which means that we didn't understand yet. How did Allah so kind, so generous He gives us like different, He's like, let me just kind of coax you. You're going to be beautiful. It's going to be great. You're going to have a great time. But really, really, it's about Allah. Really, it's about Allah. Now some of us are all bad at saying, I want to remind you this last verse and it's, you know, we think about it when we talk about each other and sticking together as an ummah. But I'm talking about it just as it relates to us. Hold on together to the rope of Allah and do not be divided. People think we're talking about this is about the community sticking together. This is also about don't let your nafs separate from your heart. And don't let your heart separate from your mind and don't let any of it separate from your soul from your Ruh, your connection to Allah SWT. Don't let your nafs take you away from Allah. Don't let your heart that what you're in love with your spouse, your children, your job, your status whatever. Don't let your heart take you away from your Ruh which is your connection to Allah SWT. Don't let your mind don't let your mind don't let your mind don't let your heart take you away from your Ruh your connection with Allah SWT. This is the verse what it's really about. There's yes, there's multiple. But the reason why we get splintered in communities because first we're splintered inside of our own selves. So let me say this. I don't know if he's in Sakharat or not. But I will say this. First of all, angels are not always as beautiful as we think. I know we think of like the Hollywood version. But they're not always like that. That also, Subhanallah, we think of the Hollywood version. But they're not always like that. That also, Subhanallah, believe it or not, ugly faces can be a means by which a person will say La ilaha illallah. And so that might even be a means of prodding, of encouraging. The person to say La ilaha illallah or even to seek refuge in Allah SWT. So it doesn't necessarily and don't want you to just assume straight away is that a bad thing. That if that person then sees that and says La ilaha illallah that's a good thing. If it becomes a means by which they run they flee to Allah SWT that becomes a good thing. The other thing is that these are also reminders of course for us to always repent. And there's Subhanallah, even in this case if you see them La ilaha illallah La ilaha illallah Allah SWT like asking Allah SWT for that. So either way, even if him saying it became a means by which he said recite Quran for me. Then this is something Allah SWT is facilitating a good ending for him. Inshallah. Whatever Allah intends I don't know. So that's even if he's saying the Qadian even if he's saying Shaytan or he's saying very fierce angels because even Omar bin Khattab when he described when there is one other Sahaba that Omar bin Khattab he passed away before this other Sahaba. And so when this one when this Sahaba basically he saw Omar in a dream and he asked Omar like how was it? He asked Omar how was it? And Omar described Munkar Nakhil and when he described Munkar Nakhil scary, right? He said that his first of all their eyes were like cauldron pots like huge. He said I could see them even like mountains like the span of mountains and he said that he was blue black in color and that his when he blinked his eyes flashed like lightnings. He said his teeth were like mountain pegs. Sorry his teeth were like mountain pegs. And he said when Munkar spoke he said it sounded like rolling intense thunder. But this is Omar in Khattab his asha to Mubashara right? That's not like I know we were thinking it was going to be like fat little cherry bumps, right? Like you know flying around like you know no no it's not like that necessarily right? And this is very but subhanallah what he tempted Omar to do as a result, right? When Alhamdulillah when the angel spoke to Omar he said you know he said which I can't imagine what that's like you know like rolling in the man-rub-book and he says that Omar grabbed him grabbed this angel and said man-rub-book I'm like who's your lord? Like who are you? And then he became he said yeah I'm this Munkar I'm just Munkar I'm coming to take the report I'm going to take the report I don't know then my answer is so subhanallah and la ilaha illallah la ilaha illallah la ilaha illallah la ilaha illallah and sitting allahu allah allahu allah allahu allah la ilaha illallah la ilaha illallah just just keep reciting his names that one especially in buter spending sitting in the night when everybody sleeping and you just communicate with Allah subhanu ta'ala and reflect upon the sweetness of your relationship with Allah and just like Ya Rabbi that time you saved me from that that time you reminded me of that the more you reflect with Allah subhanu ta'ala all the other of course it's a pretty scarf Allah subhanu ta'ala a scarf okay just fine Ya Rabbi give me you Ya Rabbi Ya Allah give me Allah that's what we want Ya Allah Subhanallah yes yes so the first thing is is that know this we all have sins in our hearts alright we all have sins of our sometimes we ourselves don't recognize the sins of our own heart right sometimes we that's just not something we haven't dealt you know delved that deeply into our own soul we haven't spent time with ourselves long enough to kind of contemplate it and so in those moments of desperation when we're crying out to Allah subhanu ta'ala I always say this like falls out right believe that's actually one of the beauties of the broken heart is that the beauty of the broken heart is that when it breaks you're able to see the contents the true contents of your heart right and so you're able to say subhanallah I didn't know that in reality vanity was there right I didn't know that wow I didn't realize like this is about my greed or this is about my ego and so sometimes it's not until our hearts are broken that we get exposed to our own selves but the beauty of Allah subhanu ta'ala is if he exposes you to yourself it's a good sign it's a very good sign this is that he said you know you gotta come back to me so you have to come back to me and I want to give you the highest level of jannah but if you have this quality you won't be able to go in that place so let's I'm gonna show it to you so I can work on it and if I'm giving you subhanallah about it I see that's like even better because if Allah is saying that I want you to ask me about it ask me about like subhanallah you don't even have to have all the tools you don't have to know all the things ask me about that I can help you with it so we can and so asking Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala for asking Allah subhanahu ta'ala to heal the root of it right and to heal the memory that is connected to it so again sometimes it can be an event or a principle that we've held that we have to get to the bottom of it because if not what happens is that when the root of it when the root of the sin is healed then usually we're about to commit that that have that continuously but the biggest obstacle to removing a sin of the heart is the unwillingness to admit it because the unwillingness to admit it will not lead one to repent from it and the greatest help is the help of Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala is to ask for his tawfiq so the first thing is to just be able to tell yourself the flat truth about that all of us have something we have to tell ourselves the flat truth actually Aisha you were really vain about that actually Aisha you have a deep sense of entitlement actually Aisha you thought you were better because you were American or you thought you were better because you were educated better because you came from you have more money there are lots of things that we tell ourselves that later on we're like 9 9 9 1 and hamdulillah it doesn't make you a horrible person it makes you a really good person carrying around a very bad trait and hamdulillah if you again when it happens if you don't commit if you don't do this to yourself or if you don't pacify yourself everybody says everybody has mistakes well I am better because I mean you know I am cuter or whatever whatever we tell ourselves as long as we don't pacify ourselves to be honest like in our day and age we are we're the generation of don't pass judgment right you better pass some judgment it's going to get passed right so it's better be a good thing right now if you just say no really that quality is not a quality of hamdulillah you got to get rid of that without putting yourself back in the way hear what I'm saying for now how do we put ourselves back in the way even if we beat ourselves up to the point of having low self-esteem then we have still they did the same act as vanity or arrogance why? because it's still about you right it's still you in the way it's still you standing in the way it's just the flip side of the same coin so as opposed to I may not be worthy of a lot of things but Allah is worthy of me being better that's how you get yourself out of the way Ya Allah give me ikhlaaz Ya Allah give me sidduk be a beggar Ya Allah be here and I'm at your door again be begging Ya Allah make me a person of ikhlaaz make me a person of sidduk right and honestly having moments where you sit with yourself and you tell yourself the truth you have to have moments with yourself you sit with yourself and tell yourself the flat truth you know the story of the one who entered into the masjid right and the prophet and the next person who enters into the doors Ahlul Jannah and they said what is it the companions are like I wonder what it is about him and Ahmad stayed with him for three days and in the end he's like I'm not saying anything so great special about you I didn't say you get up for fasting I didn't say you get up for Qiyam-ul-Layan and they said no I don't there's only one thing that I do every night I sit before I go to bed and I think about my day is there anything is there anyone who did something to me that I need to forgive them for and is there anything about myself right that I need to seek someone else's forgiveness or a trait that I need to uproot it from my heart right so the fact that he didn't and then Omar and Miri said that's why that's the quality that muraqaba that self-watching of the truth to be able to sit and say you know to go through your day and say I wasn't very kind to the cashier I'm just giving an example I wasn't very kind to the cashier and they'd say well what is the root of that why weren't you kind to the cashier well I was tired okay well that's not a reason to put it on the cashier right actually because I thought I was better than her she was just the mere cashier and I had the cage to do whatever when you can keep tracing the root now you can repent for the reality because you're just telling yourself I was just tired you're giving yourself the excuse which means you're going to commit it again against somebody else next will be the waitress right so being able to sit with myself and say well why was I you know why did I behave that way the truth is I felt I feel entitled I feel like I should have that why should you have it because because I'm from Florida like we tell I mean we laugh right but there are different things we tell ourselves because I'm American because I'm out because I'm African-American because my daddy used to spoil me why can't the rest of the world I don't know whatever it is you know whatever the root it but we have it there's a root you know there's a root for sure why were you mean to her I was jealous why are you jealous of her because she's beautiful and I don't actually believe that I'm that beautiful so really I'm insecure about my own beauty so I was jealous of her so then I was mean it's that it's we gotta be able to sing just take a deep breath and go a little deeper and ask yourself interrogate yourself interrogate your nuffs why did you do that why did you say that why were you impatient about that yes interrogate your nuffs I'm so serious before we interrogate it and you're saying a thing by the way pin them to the wall I'm serious you sit and speak to them I know who is the devil who wants to hate you who wants to reject you who wants to hate you who wants to enjoy Who wants to chase you You're not so important and I know HRE You're killed and you're a temptation and they are fighting and they are faking them I am serious! I am serious! You guys are reciting, you're reciting your Afqar in the morning. Who are you reciting it for? Right, you're talking to Allah SWT. He knows you're seeking refuge. And when you're talking about the, I suppose we're putting it, that's the funny thing. Sometimes we're putting it on the act of seeking refuge and you, you magician, actually I'm seeking refuge in Allah SWT from you. I'm seeking refuge in Allah SWT, you tipper, mental check. You gotta talk to yourself. You know, because I really have to, you know, like go away and let me do, you know, let me do the things. So it's, you know, sometimes you get bad bad. Yes! Drown them out. You know how you drown them out? You ever been in a house and you, you, you heard something or something scared you? And you play, I took her, like you pray, sit up to a bucket of real loud. You ever did that? Do that to your nerves. I'm about to drown you out. We, I'm about to play this quarter hand so long that you can't think about nothing else. I'm so, I am serious, right? But right now I really want to listen to Beyoncé in the car. You're about to turn this bucket on real loud. Until you just hear, just then. Until you drown out your own thoughts. I have days like that. But you work on it. Right? I'm serious. Like, you know, Imam Hadan, he talks about, like this, uh, like dragging your nafs to obedience. Honestly, dragging your nafs to obedience. Because if not, they will drag you into laziness and to ruffler and to heedlessness. So it's, when they talk about fighting against your nafs, that's a real, sometimes it's a real fight. Sometimes it's a, it's a real struggle. Like, you know, I can see today, you know, their days. Like, oh, I can see you're not going to let me rest today. You're not going to let me have peace. I can see. So I, okay, that's fine. I'm, I'm about to, uh, I'm about to call the big dog. I'm about to play his bonanza around you. I'm serious. I'm about to pull out his bonanza. Like, oh, okay. Oh, you. Oh, okay. I see you, um, you want to make, you know, you want to make me pick a fight. Today you want me to pick a fight with my husband. That's what you're doing. Yeah. No, we're not doing that. I'm, I'm, I'm about to play with a little teeth. Loud. You, I'm serious. You have to, you know, you, uh, you have to split yourself. I know that sounds weird. Don't worry. It's going to be okay. It's going to be okay. Right. Like, you have to put your knob. Like you have to say, okay, I'm talking to you nafs. I'm talking to you. I'm talking to you. I'm talking to you. My desire and you to show your thing. I'm talking to you. You, I'm not even going to speak to you directly. I'm just going to follow and nash you to death. I had to curse you right into submission. Like, I, I know you because if not, when you keep doing it in your, you, we don't have the strength. We have to call for backup. We have to call to Allah. You have to run and pray to God and say, Ya Rabbi, I'm running to you. I'm, I'm, I'm just seeking, I'm seeking refuge in you. They are after me. Ya Rabbi. They are after me. My nafs is after me today. Ya Rabbi, I need help. Sometimes I know the, yes, the atkar are Masha Allah. The atkar with concentration, they definitely work. But sometimes we need a way to the atkar. Sometimes it's difficult. Like the atkar is like over there. Right. And you're like, my nafs won't let me get up out this chair. I won't even push it on the phone. No, I could just put it on play. I can't even do that. You have to just subhan Allah. I think about with the Prophet. Son of Allah, they said that he used to sit and make tayyamun before he would go to make wudu. Part of it was about letting me put out the flames of shaitan even before unless something tried to distract me between here and my wudu. Also, it was like, just like, I'm just, I'm just going to do an act of eva'ata. Like, let me just help. Sometimes you have to even make dua. Ya Rabbi, bless me truly. That's why the dua, Allahumma a'ani, an adhikrik wa shukrik wa husnihi ba'datik. O Allah, help me remember you. Help me make adhikrik of you. Help me be grateful to you. So I can actually get the strength in the mind to say the adhkhar. All right. My husband will do be given adhiksa. I'm seeking refuge in you from my laziness. We all fall into that. Don't, you know, I say that to say, I say that we all fall into it to say you're not alone. Right? But it doesn't mean, it doesn't absolve us of responsibility. We still have to do something. We have to fight. We have to fight. First the moment. The shimmering light of Habib Omar. Just reciting it and reading it and reading it and reading it. The other thing is the shemaat and reading the shemaat. I can remember the moment to be honest. It was the narration where it described the prophet, Salaam, that when he was amongst people, if they laughed, he laughed. And whatever they talked about, he would talk about that. And if they were, you know, if they were happy, he would be happy. And if they were like awed by something, he would, and that for me was like fascinating. Right? Like learning that the prophet, Salaam, was not, he wasn't the buzzkill at a party. Right? He wasn't the one that was like, you know, he was relatable and fun. And the fact that, you know, he laughed, so you could see his molars. Just imagine seeing that. Like seeing him, you know, to see someone's molars, that means they have to put their head back, you know, and laugh. Yeah. Yeah. Also I'm a crazy woman. I talked to the prophet. You got to be a little crazy. And people were like, what? What are you saying, sister Aisha? When I heard that he's alive in his grave, right? And you send Salaam, right? There's, every time you send Salaam, there's an angel that wraps your Salaam, and goes and stands in a line to give your Salaam to the prophet, Salaam, except a little Jama'a. So a little Jama'a, he hears it directly. And then he responds by your name. So then I was like, so that's it. Right? So this is what happened. I said, I'm going to send Salaam in between. He's alive in his grave. Right? This is our Akhita. This is what we believe that the Anbiya are alive in their graves. Right? This is like, it's a matter of our deen. And so send Salaam on him. Read about him. You know, find something. You know what causes your heart to love. Right? We all have something like that pulls our heart to love someone. Find out what is that thing. The prophet, Salaam, he has it. Right? And just keep walking that path. And think about it. And send Salaam. And think about that. And send Salaam. Like him and Aisha racing on horses. That was so cute. Right? Him and the masjid. And she's sitting on his shoulders. Right? And she's like watching, you know, the Ethiopian military dancers. That for me. And he's like, you finished? Nah. His supper with her. You know, there's lots of things. Like, you know, for me. So you have to find, there's not everything. You know, there's something. You know, there's some things like, oh, that doesn't read. You know, everybody has that key to their own heart. You have to know what is that key to your heart with the prophet, Salaam, and send Salaam. And just keep thinking about that and dwelling that. You know, when you love someone, you keep thinking about, you know, if you've ever been in love. Like, remember that time we were walking the park? Remember that time we saw the dolphins? Remember that time? You have to do that with the prophet, Salaam, and send them. I remember that time he was talking to us. She already went on. Man, I can't, I can't imagine. Like, how, what was he thinking when those girls were singing to him, to Allah, and to the Ruh, and you know. I, like, thinking about him and I was walking in the cave. You know, you have to know what you were thinking. We're like the time he's sleeping. And Safiyah, his aunt, he, he's sweating. It's hot in the middle of the day and he's sweating. And she has a bottle, right? And she's collecting his sweat. And he wakes up and he's like, what are you doing? Right? That for me is, like, it's just funny. Like, he's, it's just such a real moment. If you woke up and somebody had a bottle next to you, you're like, what are you doing? You know, that for me, yeah, we have to, for me it's his, it's those real, when he's just, you know, just with his family and those who are near the moments of love. Okay. So the first thing is, when you seek refuge in Allah from shaitan and you still have this conversation, that's your nafs. Right? It's like, I thought refuge in Allah and this is still circling. That's you. Right? So that's one thing. The other thing is, is that your nafs is not necessarily negative. Right? Meaning that the nafs is actually neutral. And this is actually something subhanAllah, a lot of people confuse. Because for the most part it's down, but that's our attachment to Junior that actually pulls it down. But our nafs can actually raise up when we are more attached to Allah Subhanahu wa ta'ala. Right? So it's literally like a pendulum. So when we are more attached to Junior, it's our nafs that causes, like, I really just want to sleep. I just really want to, actually, I just want to, I just want to binge watch Netflix. I want to, you know, that part, it's actually not necessarily about that. Right? I just want to binge watch Netflix. When does shaitan come in? When I want to watch something I know I should. Right? I like this, like, I'm interested in this, that, that even maybe normally I wouldn't. Okay? I guess that's something I'm interested in. Well, you get curious about that. Nowhere. Makes sense? Now we're going down a profit shouldn't it? Um, the other thing is, is that, I actually, you know, the psychology, you all just talked to Dr. Rania, like the psychology behind imposter syndrome and all of that. I'm not so intelligent about that. Um, the only thing when that happens to me, is I say it doesn't matter. Meaning, and why do I say it doesn't matter? Because, okay, if I'm not true, y'all don't be making me true. And well, are you sincere about that? Y'all don't be making me sincere. You know, y'all don't be, this whispering is, it's trying to help me. I'm, I'm running to you away from whatever this voice is, whatever this westlass is, whether it's from me or something like. Um, and in the end it doesn't matter. Meaning that, the self that we have is also a trick. It's just trying to get in your way. It's just trying to be a hurdle. Right? It's just trying to keep you from Allah swt. So, I'm putting you on blast too. Like, even if I think, y'all Allah, even if one of the du'az I make is Allah make me Muslim. Make me a Muslim. Some days I'm Muslim. Some days, you know, all of us, because Muslim is one who actively submits to the will of Allah. Right? Some days we're like, y'all don't be, I know that's your will. You know? And so, push. I might not be Muslim yet, but I'm still going to pray and ask Allah to make me a Muslim. Because I want to be Muslim. Allah. It doesn't, I think we are confusing. I think we think that somehow we're going to always want to, we're going to want to want it. And we don't always want to want it. That's the truth of it. Like, sometimes I have to tell myself, y'all Allah, I don't, you know me. I don't really want to fast. Mondays and Thursdays, I really don't. I'd rather eat. I'd rather drink coffee and eat some ice cream. That's my nuffs. My nuffs is like, we could just like wait till Ramadan. But I'm really like, that's nuffs. So I have to say, Allah, the truth is I don't want to. And that's the truth. Can you make want to want to? Can you cause my heart to yearn for it? Can you put the inclination to worship you in my heart? And you know, I think this is saying that time is up. Alhamdulillah. With a candy. I love the sweetness of it all. So, um, so that's it, right? Like really saying, again, that's that thing about when we tell ourselves the truth. Like, I must not. Sometimes I struggle. Sometimes I want to do it. Sometimes I don't want to do it. Oh Allah, give me is the comma in wanting to worship you. Even the Prophet Sallallahu alaihi wa sallam, he mentioned about when he said that sometimes you don't feel connected. Believe it or not, not feeling connected is not a bad thing. What do I mean by that? Because then you know you're not worshiping Allah for the feeling. You know, you're not committing that shirk of I'm worshiping Allah because I'm going to get this feeling from it. The truth is, maybe from my perspective, right from my Vahir perspective, I'm not feeling anything right now. But I didn't worship because of me. I worship because Allah, I'm worshiping Allah. It wasn't about me. So in my worshiping Allah, if I feel it, if I didn't feel it, it's not, do you understand what I'm saying? That's not going, our emotions should not, that's our enough trying to drag and pull us all over the room. Right? Some people say, oh, when I feel it, then I'll pray. No, no, no, that's the trick. I don't tell you, Tana is just trying to use our feelings and our emotions, you know? So we, we, I'm here, I'm showing up. Ya Rabbi, please attach my heart to you. Ya Rabbi, I'm asking you for Sakina. I'm asking you for the sweetness of Eman. I'm asking for the sweetness in my prayer. But that's what I was saying in the beginning. What if I never get the sweetness of prayer? What if I never gain it? Do I stop worshiping Allah? Absolutely not. Because Allah is still, Allah is not dependent on my feelings. So, you know, it's very intelligent, like imposter syndrome. I don't know about that. We're all, sometimes we're all just faking it to make it. Allah make me sincere. Please make me sincere. Y'all don't make me sincere. Allah, Allah, Allah, Allah.