 The Jack Benny program, transcribed and presented by Lucky Strike. This is Don Wilson, friends. Have you smoked a fresh cigarette lately? You have if you've smoked a Lucky. Because the American Tobacco Company, the makers of Lucky Strike, know how vitally important freshness is to the taste of a cigarette. That's why every day in manufacturing plants where Lucky's are made, hundreds of packs of Lucky's are carefully tested for the tightness of their cellophane seal, so you'll get Lucky's better taste in all its natural freshness. Yes, smoking enjoyment is all a matter of taste. And the fact of the matter is, Lucky's taste better. Cleaner, fresher, smoother. There are two things that account for this better taste. First, fine tobacco. Fine, naturally mild, good tasting tobacco goes into Lucky Strike. Then, Lucky's are made better. Made round, firm, fully packed to draw freely and smoke evenly. So for a better tasting, fresher tasting cigarette, light up a Lucky. You'll agree, smoking enjoyment is all a matter of taste. And the fact of the matter is, Lucky's taste better. Be happy, go Lucky, with a carton of Lucky Strike. Lucky's taste better. Cleaner, fresher, smoother. Lucky Strike, Lucky Strike. From Palm Springs, California, the Lucky Strike program, starting Jack Benny with Mary Livingston Rochester, Dennis A. Bob Crosby, and yours truly, Douglas. And now, ladies and gentlemen, let's go back to yesterday morning and visit the employment office of one of Palm Springs' leading department stores. And now, looking at your record, Mr. Blank, I see that you've worked in our Los Angeles store for seven years. That's right, sir. And just why did you want to transfer from our Los Angeles store to our Palm Springs store? For my health, sir. Oh, I see. Your doctor thought the sunshine and fresh air would be good for you? Not my doctor, my psychiatrist. Well, uh, tell me, Mr. Blank, just what was it that caused you to go to the psychiatrist? A customer that kept coming into the store every year, just before Christmas. A customer? Yeah. He first came into the store in 1946. He was a kindly-looking blue-eyed old gentleman. He bought a Christmas present and then six times during the day he came back. Pested me and exchanged it for a different model. Well, what was the gift he kept exchanging? Shoelaces. He bought shoelaces for a Christmas present? Yeah, for someone named Don. Now, how could he possibly exchange shoelaces six times? Well, first he bought the laces with metal tips. Then he came back because he thought plastic tips looked more modern. Soon he was back again. He was afraid the plastic tips might crack. So he went back to metal tips. Then he got to thinking the metal tips might rust. So he came back to change them to plastic tips. Six times he changed his mind. Plastic tips! Metal tips! Plastic tips! Metal tips! Plastic tips! Metal tips! Sir, control yourself. Stop screaming. People will think that you just saw the Palm Springs prices. I'm sorry, sir. But then, every year since then, this man has been back buying gifts for Don and exchanging them. One year it was a wallet. Once it was cufflinks. Well, what did he buy this Don last Christmas? A gopher trap. A gopher trap? Well, tell me, Mr. Blank, do you feel that you're well enough now to go back to work? Oh, yes, yes. The psychiatrist gave me some pills, which I always carry with me. I take one whenever I start to get excited. Well, that's good. Now, I'm going to assign you to the date department. The date department? Yes. There you'll meet mostly tourists from the east who wish to send some of these delicious dates back home. Oh, thank you, sir. Thank you very much. Well, you better get to work, Mr. Blank. The store has been open for half an hour already. Yes, sir. You know, Jack, I must admit this is a good idea of yours. Doing your Christmas shopping here in Palm Springs. Sure, Mary. After all, this is a branch of the Los Angeles store and they have everything here. Now, let's see my shopping list. You have to get loads of gifts. Now, what do I get for my secretary, Jeanette? Oh, you ought to get her something nice. You like her, don't you? She's very pretty and she's got a wonderful figure. I'm lucky to have a secretary like her. Well, why don't you get her a game of scrabble? No, no, she can't spell. She can't take shorthand either. I may have to let her go if she doesn't learn how to type soon. She's a wonderful secretary. Now, let's see. Jack, have you thought about your sister Florence? Yes, quite often. Now, let's see. I mean, how about getting her a gift? Oh, I'll get her something. Now, let's see. Gee, I don't know what to get my sponsor. Oh, how about a nice fountain pen? Hey, that's a good idea, Mary. I'll meet you back here later. Okay. Wonder what department I can get fountain pens. Where's the floor walker? I'll ask him. Oh, Mr. Mr. Yeah! Look, I want to buy some gifts. Gifts, huh? You're probably buying them for business associates and relatives. That's right. How did you know? I didn't think you had any friends. Look, that's none of your business. Now, I want to buy a fountain pen. Does this store have any? Yes, we have ball points, regulars, and the new Palm Springs pen. A Palm Springs pen? Yes, you fill it with suntan oil and write love letters in the sand. Oh, never mind. I'll find a place myself. Silly floor walker. I think I can get the pens on the next floor, then. Well, I got the fountain pen for my sponsor, and I got to get something for Hickey Marks, the producer, and Bird Scott, and... Oh, Jack! Jack! Oh, there you are, Mary. Well, what took you so long? Did you get the present for your sponsor? Uh-huh, and I was just wondering what to get the two CBS telephone operators, Mabel Flapsaddle and Gertrude Gearshift. Mary, what would you suggest for them? Well, I don't know, Jack. How much do you want to spend? I know about $5 apiece. Well, why don't you get to meet your 100 Gillette blue blades? No, Mary. I gave them that last year. Well, I'll think of something. Now, let's see. Who else? I'm your brother. Huh? Long time, no see. Yeah, yeah. Come on, Mary. Let's go. Jack, wasn't that the... Yes, Mary. He's that racetrack tout, you know. Probably resting up here till Santa need to open it. Come on, let's get away from him. Well, that takes care of practically everybody on my list, except Don Wilson. He's always such a problem, isn't he? Wait a minute, Jack. Since we're all down here in Palm Springs, why don't you give him something in keeping with a resort, like, well, like... a nice box of dates? All right. I think you've got it. You know, Don loves to eat. Come on, let's go to the date department. No, Jack, I've still got some of my own shopping to do. I'll meet you later at the sportsway department. Okay. I'll be there in about 10 minutes. Now, let me see. Where's the date department? I better ask the floor walker. Oh, mister, mister. Oh, it's you again. Yes, look, can I get to the date department by going past the sporting goods section and taking the last aisle to the left? Just this once, but don't ever do it again. Ah, here's where they sell the dates. Oh, Clerk. Clerk. Yes, sir. What can I do? What's the matter, Clerk? Nothing. Nothing. He doesn't recognize me. I'll be calm. What can he do to me in the date department? Yes, sir. What can I do for you? Well, are these dates fresh? Oh, yes, sir. They're grown right here in Palm Springs under the most ideal conditions. What do you mean, ideal conditions? Well, these dates are kissed all day by the hot desert sun till 3 o'clock when it goes behind the mountain and then they're in nature's deep freeze. Well, this box looks very nice. I'll take it, huh? But that's $1.65. Fine. I'd like a gift wrap. I know, I know. Put this card in with it. Okay. Excuse me while I wrap it at that counter over there. Gee, that wasn't bad at all. I didn't even have to take a single pill. Okay, and I'll cut the ribbon. Hey, y'all, mister. I'll wrap for Christmas. Red and green ribbon and everything. Oh, thanks. Yeah, I hope Don likes these dates. Oh, I'm sure he will. Most everybody likes these plain dates better than the one stuffed with nuts. Yes, sir. You... you have dates stuffed with nuts? Oh, I have to tell him yet. Why didn't that psychiatrist teach me to keep my mouth shut? Let me see a box of the one stuffed with nuts. Oh, mister, you wouldn't like them. He wouldn't like them. Nobody would like them. Believe me, believe me. Oh, here they are, right here. Say, they do look delicious. But, mister... After all, Christmas only comes once a year. I may as well give down the best. I want this box with the stuffed dates. My pills. My pills. Where are my pills? Oh, here they are. What? Those pills, I'm going to do you any good. Why not? You're supposed to take them out of the bottle before swallowing. Maybe I'll be lucky. Maybe the glass will kill me. Here's your card from the plain dates. You keep it. Put it in the stuffed date box. Okay. Excuse me while I wrap it. Oh, Clark, Clark, hold it a minute. Now, uh... I just thought of something. That card is a printed one. It's too formal. I'm going to write something more personal. Okay, I fooled you this time. I didn't put the card in the package. What? Nothing, nothing. You write the card. I'll wrap the package. Let me see. Oh, yes, I'll write him a little poem. To Don. This Christmas, I'm giving you something to chew. These delicious dates and nuts to you. That doesn't sound right. Okay, Mr. Here's your package. Thanks. That'll be $2.15. I thought it was $1.65. That was for the plain dates. Well, there aren't any more dates in this box. Are there? No, but these are stuffed. Well, look, Mr. I'm not going to pay $0.20 extra for a few nuts. But look, it's not the money. Just that I don't want to be a sucker about these things. I want the plain one. And you want them gift-wrapped? Uh-huh. All right. But I'll be back and pick them up later. I got to meet someone in the sportswear department. Yeah, I don't want to keep Mary waiting, but I can't find the sportswear. Hello, Jack. Oh, hi, Bob. You're doing your Christmas shopping, too, huh? Yeah, me and my piano player Charlie Bagby have been here all morning. When I brought him with me to Palm Springs, I felt that the change of gutters would do him some good. I hope so. Where's Charlie now? Well, he sneaked away from me. I think he didn't want me to see what he's getting me for Christmas. And it's just as well, because I wanted to do some shopping for the boys in the band. Are you buying Charlie's gift now? No, I've got his already. But I am kind of stuck on what to get for Frank Remley. Well, look, Bob, that should be no problem. Why don't you get Frankie a cordial? You know, like a bottle of Grand Buie. Well, Jack, that's a nice gift, but not for Remley. You see, Grand Buie, that's an after-dinner drink. So what? Well, Remley never quite lasts till after-dinner. I see what you mean. See, I meant to ask you, Bob, what are you getting your brother Bing for Christmas? Well, he just bought a boat, so I'm going to give him an admiral refrigerator. Well, now, isn't that clever. So Bing bought a boat, huh? Yes, the lure lane. Oh. Are you shopping for the rest of your family here, too, Bob? Yes, I am, as a matter of fact. I went to the toy department to get something for my children. Hey, do you mind if I join you? I always get a kick out of the new toys they have for kids. Come on, Jack, here it is. It's right across the aisle. Hey, Jack. Jack, look at that set of electric trains. Isn't that terrific? Hey, that one there looks just like the Super Chief. Yeah, what a toy. And Bob, isn't that the sportsman quartet standing there running him? It sure is. Hey, fellas, let Jack hear your train song. Choo choo train Choo choo train Chug chugging at the station Choo choo train Conductor pull a car Choo choo train You know our destination Choo choo train It's going to Kentucky Choo choo train In case you didn't guess Choo choo train The load up there was lucky Choo choo train Choo choo train That's where it's coming from It's all loaded up with luckies Choo choo, choo choo Watch it come Choo choo train Please hurry, time's a-wasting Clear the track For something we all like Partons of the smoke that's better tastin' Lucky strike There are no loose ends And luckies too annoy They will please your friends And pressure smoother too It's luckies you'll enjoy Lead it through and through First you tear them, then compare them Choo choo train It's pullin' in the station Choo choo train Unloading happiness Choo choo train Has reached its destination Now I gotta run along, I'm supposed to meet Mary at the sportswear counter Bob, do you know where it is? No, I'm sorry, I don't, Jack. Well, I'll find it myself. So on, fellas! I'm at the sportswear department. I better ask the floor walker. Oh, mister, can you tell me where I can find- Well, if it isn't little boy lost again! Never mind, I'll find the department myself. Jack! Right here, Mary! Did you get the dates for Don? Yes, Mary, I got them. I'll have to pick it up soon. It's being gift-wrapped. A nice box of plain dates. Plain dates? Oh, Jack, why didn't you get the one stuffed with nuts? Don loves nuts. He does? Certainly! At his house, haven't you ever noticed what's in that big bowl on the coffee table? Yes, hams and turkeys. Underneath, there's nuts. Okay, I'll go do it right now. Come on, we'll go together. Oh, no, Jack, I've still got some more gifts to buy. You can meet me at the sportswear counter. Plurt, huh? Oh, here's your package, mister. All gift-wrapped and everything. One box of plain dates, $1.65. Well, I'm sorry. See, I don't want those. I want the ones with the nuts in them. Oh, no, no, no. Mister, let me alone. I'm all out of pills. I don't know what you're talking about. Now, I want a box of stuffed dates gift-wrapped immediately. Okay, okay, I'll do it. How can I avoid this guy? I tried everything. I can't even get myself transferred. I wonder if this store has a branch behind the iron curtain. Look, look, I've got some other shopping to do. Now, you wrap those dates with nuts and I'll be back later. I'm sure you will. Let's see. Oh, yes, I remember where Mary said she'd meet me. She's not here. Guys, I still haven't gotten anything from my sister Florence. See, that's the lingerie department. Maybe I can find something there. Let's see, maybe she'd like this beautiful pair of silk pajamas. Yeah, that's what I'll get. Pajamas. Hey, bud. Bud. Huh? Come here a minute. Yeah. What are you doing? I'm buying a gift for my sister. What are you going to get? Pajamas. Uh-uh. What? A nightgown. Why? Nightgown is a sleeper. Well, well, so are pajamas. I know, but with pajamas, when they're off, the legs will fold. Gee, I never thought of that. And when you make your selections, you've got to consider the string. The pajama string? Yeah. Well, it's going around the back stretch, but when it comes out in front, it ties up in a knot. Gee, maybe you're right. Of course I'm right. Nightgown is a great show bet. I see what you mean. Well, so long. So long, bud. Waste of so much time, I'll have to buy Florence's present later. I better get over to the sporting goods department. Mary is probably waiting for me. Now, uh, tell me, miss, this fellow you're buying the present for, is he your, uh, boyfriend? No, in fact, he's my boss. Oh, then you'll want to get him something nice. After all, he's responsible for your bread and butter. Only bread. Well, uh, tell me, miss, what kind of a man is your boss? Oh, nothing unusual about him. He's average height, average weight. How old is he? Well, he says he's around 39. Around 39, huh? Yeah, but I think it's his second time around. Let me see, uh, maybe I... Mary, Mary! Oh, I'll be back later, mister. Here he comes now. That man coming down the aisle? Yes. I think it's his third time around. Oh, Mary, I've been looking all over for you. Oh, oh, I'm sorry, Jack. Anyway, I'm all done with my shopping and I can help you with yours. I'm going to go to the dentist's day in Rochester and Bob Crosby. Then I'll be all... Well, Jack, Mary! Oh, hello, Don. Hello, Don. Doing your Christmas shopping, Don, huh? Yeah, just about finished off. So are we. Say, Don, let me look at you. Gee, you look marvelous. What a wonderful tan. Yes, Don, you're really brown. How long have you been in Palm Springs? Three days. How'd you get such a wonderful tan in three days? I mean, you look so good. You've lost some weight, haven't you? Well, yes, quite a bit, Mary. The doctor put me on a diet. Oh, you poor guy, you must be starving yourself. Oh, no, no, Jack. It's not a hard diet at all. I eat practically everything. I just have to cut out a few things like sugar, cream, butter, nuts, and pastry. Not too bad. Oh, no, no. Feel fine, feel fine. Well, I got to hurry and finish my shopping. So do we. Come on, Mary. Goodbye, Jack. We're going to the counter where Jack, Jack, what are you thinking about? Mary, didn't you hear what Don said about his diet? Yeah, so what? So what? I got him the dates with nuts. Not only fattening, it's more expensive. Mary, wait for me here. I'm going back in exchange. I'm going to get the plain kind. Well, here's the date counter. Oh, clerk, clerk. Oh, uh, here you are, sir. All wrapped and ready to go. I'm sorry I put you to all this trouble. That's all right, Mr. here's your package. But, um, look, I want the plain one. No. One, two, three, four. I'll never make it. I'll never get the 10. Look, Mr. control yourself. Control myself. This is the fourth time you've changed these dates. Don't be so fresh. Just exchange the date. Not this time. Oh, no, not this time. I outsmarted you. I went to the sporting goods department and got this loaded gun. Mr. put that gun away. Cap, don't point it at your head. Suicide is a terrible thing. Fire! Now look what you've done. You made me so nervous I missed. I won't control myself. First you wanted the plain dates. Then the ones with the nuts. Then the ones with plastic tips. Then you wanted the dates stuffed with metal tips. Then you wanted the coppers alive. Then you wanted the copers in each of the dates with nuts. Then you wanted the nuts that ain't plain copers. Then you wanted the copers in each of the dates with nuts. I didn't want a coper. But first, a word to cigarette smokers. Lucky tastes better. Cleaner, fresher, smoother Lucky tastes better. Cleaner, fresher, smoother For lucky strike means Line tobacco richer tasting Line tobacco. Cleaner, fresher, smoother Lucky strike! Lucky strike! This is Don Wilson, friends. You know, each time you light up a cigarette, isn't it the taste of that cigarette the thing you're really looking for? I'm sure it is. Because smoking enjoyment is all a matter of taste. And the fact of the matter is, Lucky's taste better. Cleaner, fresher, smoother. Now, there are two short, simple reasons why. First, as everyone knows, LSMFT, Lucky Strike means fine tobacco. Fine, naturally mild, good tasting tobacco. Better taste must start with fine tobacco. And then, Lucky's are actually made better. Made round and firm and fully packed to draw up freely and smoke evenly to give you better taste. And here's a reminder. One gift that will really be appreciated at Christmas is the gay holiday carton of better tasting Lucky's. That's right. Right now, Lucky's come to you in bright, cheerful Christmas cartons. Created just for Lucky Strike by the famous designer Raymond Loy. It's the ideal way to say Merry Christmas to your family and friends. Yes, at Christmas time or any time, it's always good taste to give and to smoke better tasting Lucky Strike. Be happy, go lucky, for Christmas can't miss you. Good night, everybody. We're a little late. Jack Benny Program is written by Pam Perrin, Milk Joginsburg, George Balzer, John Packaberry, Al Gordon, Al Goldman and produced and transcribed by Hilliard Marsh. Be sure to hear The American Way with Paulus Hype for Lucky Strike every Thursday over this same station. Consult your newspaper for the time. The Jack Benny Program is brought to you by Lucky Strike, product of the American Tobacco Company, America's leading manufacturer of cigarettes. Stay tuned for the aims and aims we show over the CBS Radio Network.