 Okay, welcome back to the second hour and we've been looking at grief counselling. So something that we've done in the initial hour was just to understand grief. We've understood what bereavement is. We looked at certain symptoms and signs of grief. We looked at how grief is a process. We looked at different stages of grief. Now we move on to one of the most important questions that we need to understand is what can we do? What do we do? How do we help? How can we be more present through the time when someone is going through loss? So as we spoke about one of the things we said is, yes, grief is a normal reaction to the loss of someone. We have that example right there in scripture where we see Jesus at the home of Lazarus grieving. Even though God knew the purpose, God knew that he would be glorified, that God would be glorified through the miracle that was taking place. You see that Jesus experienced that sadness, experienced the grief that he wept. That's a beautiful one. There's so much of depth in that to know that it is okay to grieve alongside with those who may be going through the specific loss or specific issues with that loss event. So let's just quickly maybe look at some broad points and to understand how and then I'll just take on to practical guidelines about how, what we can do. So I think in general there may be certain principles that contribute very effectively to the way that we minister or the way that we help with people. So this maybe in some part you could look at it as grief counseling. Nevertheless, I think you can still take some key principles from it and even as you're ministering, you could do this. So the first and foremost thing that we need to do is to work through the pain of loss, help them work through the pain of loss. So something that, for example, let's say you're going to visit a family because there's been a loss there. It's good to sometimes help the person, help the people over there to come to a place of awareness that the death has occurred. So you're actually helping them to actualize the loss. So you're hoping that they will accept the reality before they can actually deal with that emotional impact of that pain or of that loss. So the best way to actualize that or walk them through that is to talk about the loss. So our role, even as we're going to minister and help, is to be a patient listener and encourage them to talk about the loss, including any memories of the past or present of the person. So bringing them to a greater sense of awareness that the death has occurred and these can be achieved through questions such as how did the funeral go or what happened when you heard about this. So reliving some of those moments is a place where you're actually helping them to actualize or helping them to go through that pain of loss. Because when a loved one dies, the person or the family experience actually a relational separation from their loved one. So they experience that misery that impacts them extremely emotionally, physically and spiritually. But what you're hoping to do is to help them over time to show them that encouragement is found in that the pain will not last forever. But you are bringing them to a place of actually thinking about the loss, grieving about the loss so that they're able to relive that. While we're doing that, we're also helping them identify and experience their feelings. So like we said, there are numerous feelings that may come up, some may not be recognized, some may even be intentionally avoided by the bereaved because of that pain that's associated with the loss of the loved one. So such feelings as anger, guilt, anxiety, helplessness, loneliness, they're all problematic for bereaved people because in times of significant loss, the level of intensity of these emotions become extremely strong. So that's why emotions such as anger may need to be properly and effectively targeted. Guilt needs to be evaluated and resolved. Anxiety needs to be identified. So our role is to assist them to explore these and other feelings in order to resolve, to manage and to overcome them. So identifying and experiencing these feelings enables the bereaved person to feel a sense of relief and encourage them to start looking further. So one of the things that you would probably also do is to help them see that these many grief emotions are common. Especially when they're experiencing these, just maybe an explanation that grief is this tangled ball of emotions that can be very, very disorderly. And it is crucial for them to understand that what they're feeling is normal and that it can be an extremely consuming experience that can affect them. But it is important that the people or the bereaved go through that pain and not avoid it. And so that's why you communicate that it is a response to the loss that they have endured. And that they may be also like, the only way one avoids grief is if they have not loved. But the fact that we grieve is a celebration of that gift that God's given us on being able to love. So helping them to voice out their sorrow through lamentation, through complaints. You read in the Psalms so many times as I cry out to you, I cry from the depths of my heart, I lament, I bring my complaint to you. It's like bringing, pouring out their heart before God and before probably those who are helping them to express that deep pain and lost their experience. And through that journey to be able to find truth in God's word to help them to come to a place of acceptance that their loved one was exactly where God intended them to be. But that again, that's a process that you are helping them. But nevertheless, to help them come to a place of experiencing those emotions, to assist them to explore those emotions, to identify it and to be able to encourage them to find ways to cope. One of the other things that you would want to do is to help them, assist them in living without the disease. So this involves helping people accommodate the loss by sometimes facilitating their ability to live without the person and make their own independent decisions. So in order to do this, there may be need to use something like a problem-solving approach where you help them identify the problems that has arisen as a result of what, since the loss has occurred, maybe like for example, you know, it is a breadwinner who passed away. So what's the next step in getting, you know, for the people who are there to start earning, or maybe someone has gone through certain debts, the person who passed away had left behind a lot of debts. How would that assistance take place? So maybe there are care of multiple members of the family. So whatever, so decision-making needs to happen there. And that becomes very valuable for them, right? Because when someone may be a primary decision maker, even the person who passed away would have been a primary decision maker and the survivor often experiences, you know, the problems of making those decisions. So you sometimes help to develop those skills, those decision-making skills, to enable them to take over the role of decision-making and to be able to minimize. So just walking through that with them. And through all of this, you're also helping them to find the meaning of the loss. You know, for example, some people who have experienced a loss, sometimes, you know, it's common that they, they set up maybe a memorial or a charity, or they begin, you know, an NGO or lobby for some change, or something, or they advocate something in order to prevent those kinds of debts, right? So this helps to create a feeling that the death of the loved one was not in vain. So that's something also, you know, you're facilitated, if that's something that they would like to do. Because meaning also is found in reassessing the perceptions about the death and also the assessments of the loved one's impact on the life of them. So that's what you work with them also to do. In the meantime, you're also, as we're doing all of this, you're also helping them to adjust to a place where the disease is missing. They need to experience the comfort that can only come from a relationship with God and maybe, you know, with a larger body of Christ. So some of the things is to urge them to, you know, to allow other Christians into their world or other believers into their world to walk alongside them and to hear their stories. So this kind of support enables them to emerge from that time of grief, not just surviving the experience, but having, you know, having had the change that comes from experiencing whatever they've gone through in the eyes of what God would like. So they must just come alive and live in that present and for the future, and not just surviving for it. So some of the things that, you know, can be sometimes helpful is to get the people, you know, if they've not done so before to be able to go through personal belongings and to be able to adjust to that environment without them, in ways on how they can move on in that life. So part of helping them to move forward is to encourage them to find appropriate ongoing emotional connection with other people, you know, to build relationships outside. So teaching them to walk in faith, to walk in truth and not just by their feelings. So each person, you know, what you're helping them do is to embrace that, you know, God's faithful to help them to cling to him as they begin to accept that loss and begin to see that healing and hope. They often will need to refuse to allow their feelings to direct their course of their lives instead be transformed, you know, by the ways of renewing their mind. So encouraging them to consider how also they're thinking about their loss. What are they actually processing about the loss? And sometimes it can be done through a very simple exercise, you know, whenever they feel tempted to fall again to despair, to get them into the habit of asking themselves, you know, what are they thinking about? How they have responded because of that kind of thinking and then help them to go back to God's word, learn what he says about thoughts and responses and to help them to be honest, to come to a place of understanding about what they're feeling, but not to be driven by their feelings, to help them learn to cling to what God's word says is truth and help them to walk by faith. Through time, you're also giving them a new perspective on their suffering and their loss. So giving them passages or helping them to meditate on God's word will help them realize that they are presently in whatever they're presently enduring or going through has a purpose and God desires to use this time to benefit others who agree. So you're helping them to see that when bad things happen, you know, these terrible circumstances is what God can use to bring out the best use in them. So when you're facilitating this, you're also helping them to come to a place of healing. When you're providing time for them to grieve, you are allowing for those individual differences on the way that they experience life, you're helping them to grieve. One focus that we need to be vigilant about is to examine what are coping styles. Now, what sometimes happens is, you know, especially when people are not able to go through grief well, there can be certain dysfunctions. What do we mean by dysfunctions? They can get into difficult, unhealthy coping strategies. Like, for example, one common way of is substance use, turning into alcohol, turning into drugs or getting lost addicted into something else. So you look for these ineffective coping mechanisms and, you know, and help them understand that this can actually intensify the experience of grief and depression. And it can impair that process of bereavement. And often people don't understand that, that anything that you get hooked to or get addicted to gives momentary fulfilment or momentary feelings of peace or satisfaction. But then it just puts them back into, it intensifies that experience and impairs whatever process has been done. So, you know, you can highlight the various other coping strategies that are good and encourage them to evaluate and use more effective ones and explore new coping mechanisms, like probably finding something meaningful to do, maybe sharing their grief with one other person or to be able to express their grief through different creative means, maybe through a painting, through a poetry, through a song, through music, through a blog, helping them to cope through exercise, through keeping oneself healthy and fit. Or, you know, even being able to do something that's creative. So, being able to understand this. Now, it's also important, and this is what I said that I will discuss here, to be able to identify when it can become pathological. Pathological means more like a disease or a disorder. So, we call grief said normal, but if it goes beyond and if it is not something that is healthy and it's affecting the individual, we call it a pathology. Right? So, it is to know when it is becoming pathological and when you need to refer. So, if you identify the existence of pathology that has been triggered by the law, it's needed that you make a professional referral. Now, what and how do we identify that is if there are significant periods of time. So, generally, there is a time period you say six months to nine months to a year is a good time for not for a grieving to complete, but definitely see that the graph has definitely become better, right, from where it started to where it is, it's a lot more normalized. But if you see significant emotional sadness responses even after maybe one year unable to get back to normal functioning, unable to really accept reality and still being in maybe shock, denial, severe depression, then it's a point of a specialized intervention is something that's more appropriate because that demands that kind of support and help. So that's something that also we need to understand largely when we're looking at what is it that we could do or in your capacity, what you could do is the first and foremost thing is to ensure that they have your presence. You're just all that you need to do is just be there to comfort and to encourage and to be with them during that time of loss, just your presence there. And often, you know, we see that especially when people are going through intense grief, the initial these can be the fact that, you know, everyone has gathered probably the initial few days up onto the future, maybe days later. And then everybody just completely goes back to their own lives and then then everything begins to dawn and begins to feel extremely chaotic and heavy. So just being present, just being with them through that grief, sitting with them, listening to them, encouraging those stories helps them to go through that place of grief. It's important that they need your sensitivity. Now, what do we mean by this, even as we say, the sensitivity is not to suppress, to shut down those feelings. Like I said, you know, that's why I took you through some of the myths we follow, that you do not let them feel that what they're feeling is not right, or it is not faith based, or it's something that they may be disappointing God, but helping them accept, or you accepting the reality that these feelings and emotions are very, very normal. They're normal responses and listening without judging and pushing them to move to a place of getting better or healing. Just being there to comfort your role is not to be, not to take away the suffering or take away the pain or make them feel alright. Your role is to grieve alongside with them, comfort those who are being, comfort those who are being comforted. So grieving alongside with them is the place that we are called to do. So whatever place they are in, avoid those statements of be strong, avoid statements of don't cry, you know, have faith in God, all of them. But just even if you don't say anything, that's far better than providing these kind of words. Next is practical assistance. So being of practical support during this time of grief, because there are multiple number of things that probably need to get done, and just being practically there to aid, maybe it's organizing meals, it's ensuring that any kind of legal documents, details all need to be done, bank work, funeral arrangements, all of that. All that kind of a practical assistance is what we can offer and that we could definitely help with. Moving on, what are some of those ways to help? Yes, visit those who are bereaved, they need to feel the support and the strength and the concern of others. And that's something that we are called to do. Now this is just not the role of a counsellor, but this definitely is something that we all could do. Again, being careful how we speak and how we react to be able to just allow them and listen well. So I think often when people are talking about, and remember I spoke about the stages and maybe while you are talking to someone who's bereaved, you will hear this, how could God do this? I'm so angry, but there are those emotions that's going to come about. Again, it's very important that we don't negate that. And saying that's not how you feel or how could you say that? It's just a reflective saying, yeah, it is painful. We have many questions right here. It seems hard to understand the reality of all of this. It can be heart wrenching to see that you could have done something that you just didn't know. Any way that you can empathize to walk alongside them is a great way to help them be part of that process of healing. The next one is yes, do not try to explain anything, especially the questions that come about. It's important maybe not to explain anything and everything because we don't, we can't, we don't know. And all that we can encourage them to do is to maybe speak, is maybe to talk. And often when they're asking these kind of questions, it's very, it's almost like they're talking to themselves. But then they have maybe another person that they're wording out with. So you may also, you needn't feel pressure to answer every question. It's just to be alongside with them, empathize. Maybe at points of time says, you know, it ruffles me as well. I don't know too. I'm, or I'm experiencing the same question myself. And yeah, but I'm just praying that God gives us that comfort to be able to trust Him. So anything that helps to work with them through what they're going through. So it doesn't mean you need to know the answer. You don't. Maybe you never know the answer. But to be able to express within the right, hey, I am with you. I don't understand this myself. I'm not able to explain this as well. So, but I'm here with you. I know that this is painful, but I want to be here with you. I want to hold your hand with you. The next is to express support, concern by just being there, a handshake or a hug or a, you know, your physical presence. Often what we've seen is, you know, we tend to minimize things by saying, I know how you feel, but we don't. We just don't because the relationship with the one that's whose disease is so, is so unique that we may not really know what exactly or how, what exactly it is that they're going through. Okay. But what we're just doing is to be able to give them a chance to just talk, give them a chance to share, give them a chance to be able to open up. Okay. Again, not brushing them to get better or play down the grief. That's important again, to give them the time and the space that they need to be able to go through that process of creating. Next is to be patient. Be patient with the morning process. It can be difficult. It can be exhausted, but to be patient and just continue the kind of support that is needed for them. For them, even as they are going through this, this entire experience and entire struggle of this. Okay. There are also some, some things that, you know, what we're also called to do is, is when we are expressing something. It's, it's also the words that we use to be more listening, to be more loving, rather than maybe sometimes using words. Okay. Because sometimes our words can often be very, very judgmental. So to, to be careful about that. Now, when you look at scripture, you will find many scriptures that actually help direct us, right? Or encourage us to, to give comfort, to be able to help people who are in a place of mourning, right? To be able to stand with them, to bear each other's burdens, to comfort with the comfort we have received. All of this is what we are called to do. Never does it say, you know, give them answers to their, to their grief. It says just comfort, bear each other's burdens, you know, walk alongside with them. There's a time of mourning is to be able to just receive whatever he would like us to receive, as well as what he could minister through us. So through all of this, it is to, it is to just support by your presence, by your words, by your lack, by your non-judgment, through your comfort, through your prayer, through your encouragement, through practical assistance. This, this is, this is more than what we are called to do. Okay. All right. Okay. I've been talking for the last one and a half hours. And I'd want to, you know, maybe, maybe open up the forum to ask if there are questions, any reflections, any thoughts, any, any kind of comments, anything. I'd like to just open this up, right? Is everybody here in class? There's a silence. Okay. All right. Okay. Thank you. Thank you. Yeah. All right. So any questions or any comments, any thoughts, anything? Yeah. Yeah, ma'am. Thank you so much. It's, you know, really helps how to be a comfort to a person who is grieving, especially the point of practical assistance that is really good because it's true. Like the person who is going through that grief may not, may have things that needs to be to be done, but, you know, they don't have the strength to do it. So it's really helpful, you know, to set things and into perspective for them. Yeah, that's, that's really helpful. Even the decision making. Yeah, they may be struggling in those areas at that time, because as you said that there are stages that they are going through, like maybe denial and questioning and all these stages that they're going through. So, but the, they also deep down they know that it has to go on the life, life has to move on. So to be there as a support in those terms is really helpful, I believe, yeah, that is really good to know that. Thank you. That's true. Thanks for sharing. Anybody else, any other thoughts? We have around 10 minutes so you could make use of that by any questions, any, any testimony, any, anything at all. Okay, doesn't look like there are any questions. So what would you like to do with your. I just have a question. So, in your experience, like for a, if someone comes for a grief counseling, like how, as you said, there's no time, like there's no set time, but usually how long it takes for them to get over or to just accept and move on. It's a long process, I believe, but like in from your experience, I just wanted to. So the, so the guidelines like, you know, there are psychiatric guidelines for a grief process and they say a normal grief process takes six months to nine months, give it three months more. Anything beyond that is basically known as pathological grief. Now, even as I'm saying this pathological grief, you're also observing whether through this time, if the person is functional or not. So any kind of anything that moves away from the normal into something that's more disorder or disease or deviant from the normal standards away from the normal. One of the first things that you look for is whether the person has been has difficulty in areas of function, which means physical functioning, that is appetite, sleep, hygiene. So these are the three areas that you look for physical function. Second is social function. Are they able to carry on normal social interactions or is there the draw? Is there avoidance? Is there complete moving away from every form of social interactions they have? Okay. Also, the kind of responses, maybe certain certain activities that they have done, where they have found help with or they found, you know, certain interest activities that they've had vocational activities like maybe it's doing some something that they like, maybe it's cooking, it's painting, it's singing, it's music, it's whatever that they've enjoyed doing. If you find that there's been a withdrawal of it, that becomes a concept. Next is emotional functioning. How have been their emotional responses? Are they extremely volatile? Is there extreme sadness? Is there aggression, anger, all of that? So these are some of the areas of functioning that you would expect to some normalcy. Anything that moves away from normal deviant is when it becomes a concern. So generally, if you find that these categories also are impaired, that's when it would move to something that's pathological. Maybe people may read beyond a year, but are able to carry on general functional, even emotionally, even though they experience these highs and lows. Like I said, there may be more better days than there are bad days. So all of this, you would do like an overall evaluation to understand whether it's moving into this place of pathology or if it is more normal. But generally, someone who is going through six to nine months is what is a general period that you would allow, especially of how close the person was, what kind of death happened, all of that. So generally, you look for six to nine months, give it up. So I think an additional thing that I also want to talk about is coping. And something that, you know, and I want to just bring up an example. In my 20, 23 years of counseling practice, a couple of years back, there was this lady who came to me. She wasn't a believer, a lady who came to me asking me if I did grief counseling and I said I did. And when she came in here, she was actually not looking for grief counseling. She was actually looking for a way to connect with her, with her diseased husband. And her husband, I think, had passed away almost nine, 10 years back, right? So it's been a long period and she was looking for supernatural connection. And I think she got by reference as a Christian counselor and that's how she came to me. And, you know, so as I moved into the session almost halfway through is when she said, she said, can you help me connect back to the spirit of my husband? So then I did share that I wouldn't do that. That's not something I do, but I could help her find different coping and find ways of how she could feel at peace. So, yeah, of course, she didn't take the offer at all. She said, you know, I'm actually looking at connecting back to the spirit of my husband. Anyway, so this actually shows you how, again, I think one of the other ways that you would see is coping. How are people coping with the grief? Now, these are different ways of coping. Like I said, one of the most negative or unhealthy ways of coping is substance use or alcohol or, you know, or these are moving into something that is negatively supernatural in order to getting into cults and things like that to reconnect, right? Again, all of these are ways of moving away from the reality of the pain. So she definitely was one who I would assess as someone who had pathological grief so much so that it was moving into something extremely unhealthy and very crippling for her. So that's, again, one more thing that you would examine for to see how coping is taking place. Yeah, I think that's another point that I wanted to bring up. Sure, sure. Thank you. That is a very strange case of, I've not heard someone asking that. Wow. In fact, there are people that are spiritists who actually do that. So when she came to me, she said, I found another person in your area who does it. But because you had a Christian counselor named to it, I thought to the new do it. And that's how she came to be first. And then she had actually found someone else who brings back connection with the bed. But that was one of my first and a very strange experience too. Wow. Good. Okay. If nobody else has questions, I think we'll close the class. Because I think many have left as well. So let's just probably close it. We just pray and close. That's okay. Heavenly Father, we just thank you God for the hope that we have in you. The hope God that through all the pain and the grief we go through and others go through. The hope that all those who believe in you will one day be with you. Lord will, where we will one day see them Father. That's the hope we have that our loved ones who've gone ahead of us are people who we will see because of our faith in you. Thank you for this assurance and for the hope that we have. And Lord even as we meet with many people who may grieve, especially those who do not know you. Father that you will help us to be your heart. You will help us Lord to open their eyes to the truth of salvation. Father that they will desire God to know the truth of what happens after life. Father even as you've called us, Lord to minister to those who are hurt and pained and in grief. Mighty God give us wisdom. Lord since each person, every individual grieves very differently. We need Lord the power of the Holy Spirit to minister rightly to them. To minister to them in ways that are customized for their need. And God you're the only one who can show us that. Empower us to do it Father. Even though we've read through so many things, heard through many things. Lord maybe not see people like Texmoks God, but maybe see them as people who are your creation. Father give us your heart, give us your mind even as we help. Thank you equip us empower us. Thank you again be with each one of us Lord. Thank you for your faithfulness over this course. Even as we meet one last week next week Father I pray that you will bring all our learning. Bring it all together for greater use in Jesus' name. Alright, thank you everybody. God bless. Please ensure that you finish your assessment before the 28th. I will post it by this evening or tomorrow finally do so. God bless and meet y'all next week. Thank you. Thank you ma'am.