 This lesson is going to show you just how simple it is to transform your essays from a low band to a higher band, just by following a few simple changes. First, we're going to show you exactly why the band six essay is a band six essay so that you can avoid those common problems. And then I'll show you sentence by sentence how I would change a band six essay into a band eight essay by just making a few simple changes. So, without further ado, let's go. So the first thing we're going to do is look at each sentence and think about why they are at a band six, let's say. Why are they not good? Because we cannot write something good until we know why something is not good and we can avoid that. So let's take each sentence and talk about how it could be improved so you'll fully understand everything. And we'll relate everything to the official marking criteria. Don't worry, I know that it's very small. I'll zoom in on each part if I'm referring to it. Okay, so let's start off with the first sentence. Nowadays, spelt incorrectly, digital phones are a hot topic in modern life. So this is known as a background sentence. Many, many teachers, many schools teach students to memorize some kind of a background statement and then put it in as the first sentence in their essay. And what they normally do is just instead of putting digital phones in, they tell students that put whatever the main topic is. So they memorize, nowadays, space are a hot topic in modern life or something like that. Now, there's a few problems with this. Number one, from a strategic point of view, you are not losing marks per se for putting this in, but think about what you need to do on test day. You need to write a good essay that is more than 250 words in 40 minutes or less. You do not need a background statement in there. So strategically, you are putting things, you're doing extra things that you don't really need to do, which will lead to you maybe writing under the word limit or maybe not really having time to think about the question, think about how to generate ideas but it could also lead to other problems just because you're stressed out and you're rushing through. So we don't want to write anything that we don't absolutely need in there. The second reason why this is an issue is in relation to lexical resource. So what a lot of students do, and we see this again and again every single day, is when they memorize a sentence, it means they don't fully understand that sentence, which means that spelling errors often happen. So one of the most common words that we see misspelled is nowadays. Students will often misspell it as nowadays or something like that. So what you have done there is you've made a spelling mistake which will lower your lexical resource score. So you've started off by wasting time doing things you don't need to do and lowering your vocabulary score. Now many of you might be thinking right now, well the reason why my teacher told me to memorize this is because it has lots of high level vocabulary and that's going to impress the examiner. The examiner is not stupid. The examiner has seen this thousands of times. So what the examiner is thinking is not wow, they use the word nowadays and hot topic and modern life. What the examiner is thinking is another memorized sentence and they will just discount that sentence completely. Even if you had perfect, amazing grammar and vocabulary and it was just the best sentence ever, the examiner will discount that because they know that is not your real level. That is just what you memorized. There's a huge difference between memorization and actually being able to write. People don't write through memorization. People write by being able to write. It's two completely different skill sets. And let's see if the student made any grammar mistakes. Nowadays digital phones are a hot topic in modern life. They haven't done that but often students will make grammar mistakes and that lowers your grammatical range and accuracy. So I know a lot of students fight me on this and they say there's nothing wrong with adding a background sentence. There is, all right. You have opened up your sentence. First impressions last. You've opened up your sentence with something you don't need to do which has a very high chance of you lowering your score. So only do things that you have to do that have a high chance of improving your score. So I would completely just delete this. I'm not going to put it in to my new essay. Okay, so whilst there are many benefits to the mobiles for adolescents, this essay disagrees and believes they have many drawbacks. So again, this comes from two places I think. Number one, many of you come from countries where in your education system or just in your culture in general, you are taught not to take strong positions in things. I've taught in Asia a lot. I'm not mentioning specific countries but this is a problem that we have to help students with because they are taught in school don't take a really firm, strong position on things. Try and show both sides and don't really take a strong position. Sit on the fence a little bit. In Western culture, in Western universities, in Western workplaces, if your boss or your teacher or your professor asks you a direct question, they expect a direct answer. They don't want you running around the bush and say, well, some people think this and some people think that's not really what they want. They want you to answer it directly. This question has asked, why is this? And the person has just said, there are many benefits. Okay, what benefits? What benefits are there? This leads into task response. Or say, task response, they are asking you to, for a band-aid, sufficiently addresses all parts of the task, presents a well-developed response to the question with relevant extended and supported ideas. You're not really addressing this part of the question very well if you're not answering it in your introduction. You could answer it in other places and we'll see if the student did this. But you want to just make it very clear to the examiner in the introduction that you've answered the question clearly. That also leads into coherence. Coherence means, did you actually answer the question clearly, coherent means clear. So this person hasn't taken a position at all. This essay disagrees and believes they have many drawbacks. Okay, so they're taking somewhat of a position here. They disagree that it has benefits, but they're just saying there's many drawbacks. I think it would be better just to clearly state what those drawbacks are. And then you've stated a very clear position. So there's no real position here in the introduction to the first question. And they haven't really stated clearly what they think about the second question. So this isn't a great start for clearly asking, answering the question in task response. It also isn't a great start for coherence and cohesion because coherence and cohesion means, is it clear and is it well linked together? We'll talk more about what cohesion means specifically in a minute. This essay will endeavor, spell incorrectly, to discuss both points before coming to a reasoned conclusion. Totally memorized and adds nothing to it. And you've got a spelling mistake in there. I'll not spend any more time on explaining why this memorized sentence is not going to help you refer back to the first sentence. So most of this paragraph, this entire paragraph is just memorization, which doesn't add anything to your essay. It has also led to a huge number of linguistic errors. And there's a bit in the middle that kind of takes a position, but doesn't go into any real detail and doesn't tell people exactly what's happening in the essay. So when you see me write out the introduction and rephrase it and redo it, you'll see the difference. And it's not complicated to do that. So let's move on to the first main body paragraph. What the examiner is looking for here in the first main body paragraph is, did you go into detail and really explain why this is the first question that they asked? And they're also looking to see, is there any cohesion between what you put in the introduction and what you put here? By cohesion, I don't mean linking words, but basically, are you talking about the same thing here as you're talking about in the introduction? In the introduction, you're introducing the main ideas, your main positions, and then in the main body, you're going into detail. So let's have a look at what they say here. The young ones love to use digital devices because game are entertaining. Okay, so they said in the introduction, there's many benefits to the mobiles for adolescents. The young ones love to use digital devices because games are entertaining. Okay, so this is a reasonable, relevant, specific idea. Why do children spend so long on their smartphones? They're entertaining. It's a little bit vague, but it's pretty good. An examiner is not going to look at that and think, I don't understand that idea, that idea is not good. Games are entertaining. Okay, not bad at all. It probably would have been better to put that in your introduction and go into more detail here, but we'll look at how to do that later in the lesson. Anyone with phones can access thousands of games at the touch of a button, okay? They're explaining why games are entertaining. These mean there are endless opportunities for them to enjoy themselves and can often spend many hours each day consuming new games without even thinking. As a result, children spend too much of their free time in front of screen instead of being outside doing things like riding bike or playing sports. So this is actually pretty good. They're using the structure that most good students use to write their main body paragraphs, which is topic sentence and then explanation. And their explanation is pretty good as well because what they're doing is they're explaining why children spend so long on their phones in relation to their main idea. So there's good cohesion here between their main idea and their explanation. So far so good on this part. For example, my cousin is eight years old and spends eight hours a day on parents' iPhone. Okay, so there's good things about this example and not so good things about this example. The good thing about this example is the example is actually related to the main point. The whole paragraph is about the one thing why is this the case? And it's about games being entertaining on a phone. So this is a very cohesive paragraph because the whole thing is just doing one thing. So that's pretty good. But the problem with the example and many examiners will knock you down for this is it's way too personal. Examiners see this all the time where people talk about their cousin and their auntie and their sister and it doesn't really provide any authority. So I could say my son plays games for eight hours a day. Therefore, games are dangerous. That could just be because I'm a bad parent or my son has an addictive personality. But if I said something more general, like on iPhones they can actually collect the data. On the screen time, Apple released figures that said the average use per day on their iPhones is eight hours a day. So you're using that eight hours a day thing but it's far more authoritative because there's a far bigger sample size. Apple has billions of customers. Your cousin is just one person. So try to make your examples more authoritative by just thinking is this one person I'm talking about which is probably just your family member or someone you know or could I change it to provide a bigger sample size, make it a little bit more general but always keep it specific to the topic you're talking about. But the examiner is not going to mark you down a huge amount for this. So if we look at task response, just for if we were just looking at this paragraph in isolation, sufficiently addresses all parts of the task. This paragraph has focused in on that one question and has done a pretty good job with it. Presents a well-developed response. They have developed the response to the question with relevant extended and supported ideas. So their ideas are relevant. We can look into the topic sentence there. That is a relevant idea. Have they extended that idea? Yes, they've explained it. And have they supported that idea? Yes, they've supported it with explanations and that example, is the example relevant? Is it the best example ever? No, but that's a pretty easy fix for most students. And I'll show you how we can do that in a second when we look at how we could change that. But not a great start with their introduction but that's a pretty good main body paragraph. We're not looking at lexical resource and grammatical range and accuracy yet. We'll do that at the end. But for task response, they're doing a pretty good job so far with that paragraph. If we move on to coherence and cohesion, you can see presents a clear central topic within each paragraph. There was a clear central topic in the topic sentence and they stuck to that. So pretty good for that point there. Arranges information and ideas coherently and there's a clear overall progression. So if we have a look up here at the introduction, there are many benefits to the mobiles for adolescents. They haven't actually talked about any of this paragraph in the introduction. So as the reader, I'm a little bit confused. Are they saying why children spend so long or are they talking about this as a benefit? If they had have been very, very clear in the introduction, this is why children spend so long and said that specifically, that just makes it a lot easier to read. It makes it more coherent. It makes it more cohesive. I'm really a little bit confused when I'm reading this because I'm coming to this as not an IELTS examiner. I'm not someone who has really studied this question and has thought about it. I'm coming to this as just someone reading this for the first time. Would they understand, have I helped the reader as much as possible? So I don't think that they're sequencing or organizing the ideas and the structure as much as they could have. And we'll see how we can do that in a second. So you can see that you can do a pretty good job, but if you're missing a few small tweaks, then that can bring you down. Okay, so the examiner will be asking themselves, have they answered this first question? Why is this? So they could have been a little bit clearer in the introduction, but overall they're doing a pretty good job here. But if we look at task response again, the key word here for Band 8 is all parts of the task. Have they sufficiently addressed all parts of the task? So for this question, the examiner is really looking for have they answered both questions? So let's read what they've done here. So some people believe this is a positive because some game can be pedagogical beneficial. Many game teach little one maths problem solving and the new words. So they've given one reason why it is good, it is positive. And they've given a little bit of an explanation, a little bit of an explanation slash example, but it hasn't really been very well developed. However, there are others who believe. So they're talking about some people and others. The examiner is asking you, what do you think? Now you can use language like this, but you need to make it really clear what you think as well. However, there are others who believe there are many drawbacks. Firstly, some can be addicting. Secondly, kids will not spend as much time with the parents and family. Thirdly, some game have too many things that can cause children to become violent. For example, 89% of iPhone games were found to have extreme violence in them. So has the person here taken a position? In other words, have they said what they think? Have they said firmly, this is what I think or this essay believes this. You have to come down on one side or the other. You can show both sides if you want, but you need to make it very clear what you think because the question does not say, discuss the advantages and disadvantages. It does not say discuss both points of view. It says, is this positive or is this negative? The key word there is or. Which one, pick one? So this person has discussed both, but they haven't really picked one. So have they sufficiently addressed all parts of the task? No. So if we go down here to band six for task response, addresses all parts of the task. So they have addressed it, but some parts may be more fully covered than others. So they've fully covered the first question, but they haven't really covered the second question fully. And then if we look at band six here, presents relevant main ideas. Now these ideas were relevant, but some may be inadequately developed or unclear. Lots of ideas here, they are relevant. They do, you know, pertain to the question, but they're not developed. It would be much better for this person to limit the number of ideas and fully develop those ideas and have a very clear position. For this question, that's the difference between a band six and a band eight. So why does this student do this? Well, again, it could come from their educational background where they're told don't take a clear position for IELTS you need to. Or it could be that their teacher or some YouTuber has told them, you know, you need to discuss both views and you need to put in firstly, secondly, thirdly, you don't need to do that. And it often leads to this problem of not really adequately developing main ideas or not just having enough time, enough room to do what they want you to do for a band eight. So if you want band six, no problem. But if you want one of the higher bands, you need to do it a little bit differently and that's what we'll show you in the rest of this video. The last part or last problem with this paragraph is, for example, 89% of iPhone games were found to have extreme violence in them. No, that's just wrong. There is no way that 89% of games on the app store have extreme violence, not even, you know, moderate violence. This is why we suggest to students that unless they know the statistic, you know, 89%, unless they know that for sure 100%, they've seen it many times and they know it back to front like the back of their hand, do not write it. Most of the time, if you try and use statistics and studies and things like that, you'll mess them up because you're under pressure, you're stressed out and your brain just is saying, just put in anything. Just let's get this over and done with. You're not thinking as clearly as you would normally. So don't do that. We'll show you how you can change that in the rest of the lesson. So let's look at their conclusion. To recapitulate memorization again, how will we spelt incorrectly? Cell phones have plethora spelt incorrectly of apps to keep offspring entertained, but parents must balance the positives with the negatives before considering to give access to their progeny. So why is this? Cell phones have plethora of apps to keep offspring entertained. Is that stating it as clearly as it could be? Not really. It's not bad, it's not terrible, but it could be made a little bit clearer. But parents must balance the positives with the negatives before considering to give access to their progeny. Is this positive or negative? I don't know, I don't know. I want this person, please just tell me, even if it's just in the conclusion, you haven't done it in the introduction, you haven't done it in the main body and now you haven't done it in the conclusion. So here we see band seven for task response presents a clear position throughout the response. There is no clear position at any point in the essay for the second question. So we cannot give it a band seven, we have to give it a band six at the most. Okay, so we've covered task response and coherence and cohesion, that's 50% of our total mark, but 50% is our vocabulary and our grammar. So what I'm gonna do is I'm gonna underline certain vocabulary issues and I'll do that now. So if we have a look here at band eight for lexical resource, uses a wide range of vocabulary fluently and flexibly to convey precise meanings. The keyword there is precise. They're not throwing in a bunch of high level language and hoping that it kind of means what they want, they're using language in a way that is very precise to convey meaning. We'll look at whether they've done that or not here. Skillfully uses uncommon lexical items, but there may be occasional inaccuracies in word choice. So they do have a wide range of vocabulary. They can make some small mistakes, but most of the time they're using it skillfully, produces rare errors in spelling and or word formation. So they might have one or two spelling errors in there, that is acceptable for band eight, but they're not going to be consistently spelling words incorrectly. If we compare that with band six, uses an adequate range of vocabulary for the task. So they're able to write about the task. They have enough vocabulary to write about it. Attempts to use less common vocabulary, but with some inaccuracy. When they try to use a wider range, they make mistakes. Compare that with band eight. When they try to use less common vocabulary, they might make the odd one or two mistakes, but most of the time it's fine. Makes some errors in spelling and or word formation, but they do not impede communication. So there's a lot more spelling errors, word formation errors with band six. I've highlighted just some of the errors here, some of the issues, but not all of them because I don't want this video to be three hours long. But if we can see nowadays, believes, pedagogical, plethora, there are a lot of spelling errors, especially when they try to use either memorized language or language that is they're trying to use less frequent, more high level vocabulary. This is a clear indication to the examiner that this person doesn't really know how to use that vocabulary. This is why we always say only use words you really understand because by using bigger words and making spelling errors and other errors like meaning errors and using them less precisely, you're literally telling the examiner, I don't deserve a high score. And there are also meaning errors. So adolescents, the question doesn't ask about adolescents. The question asks about children. This is demonstrating to the examiner that you do not know the meaning of the word children or you don't know the meaning of the word adolescents. Why do students do this? Because they're told that if you repeat a word, you will get lower scores. It is better to repeat the word or use a simpler word than it is to try and use a higher level word and it to be wrong. So the spelling is correct here, but the meaning is wrong. So they're not using a wide range of vocabulary precisely. Young ones, very informal. We wouldn't really say that. Young ones can mean people in their 20s. We often do use that to talk more about people in their 20s than people that are children. So again, same issue there. Pedagogical beneficial doesn't make any sense. Pedagogical relates to education. Beneficial means that it's good. I kind of know what they're saying. It doesn't impede communication, as it says here in the marketing criteria, but they're having all sorts of problems with word formation there and they don't really know what it means. And it will come as a big shock when this person gets about six or maybe even lower because they will say, well, I used lots of big words, but you didn't use them correctly. Firstly, some games can be addicting, addictive. This is a common error. You get the word form wrong. Again, demonstrating that you don't really fully understand that word, plethora. Okay, the meaning is correct, but the spelling is incorrect. Offspring and Progency, you wouldn't really use that outside of a biology lab. We wouldn't, if I turned around to my wife and said, where is my Progency or where are offspring? She would think that I was insane. They are synonyms of children, but it's not appropriate to use those in an essay because they don't, in this context, it's not the right style of word to use. So this student is most likely to get about six for less of a resource for those reasons. The last thing that the examiner is going to look at are the grammatical errors. How many grammatical errors is this person making? They're, by understanding the essay and reading through it and understanding most of the stuff that the student is trying to say, the student has demonstrated that they have enough range of grammar. Range really isn't a problem here, but what it says is not grammatical range. It says grammatical range and accuracy. And the most common reason why students get about six is for a lack of accuracy, not a lack of range. So let's go through and find some of the mistakes here. So I've underlined most of the grammar mistakes here in red. And there are two things that the examiner will notice. The first thing that the examiner will notice is there are grammatical errors in most sentences. So more than 50% of the sentences have grammatical errors in them. So if we look at band eight here for grammatical range and accuracy, the majority of sentences are error-free. The majority of sentences here are not error-free. The majority of sentences have errors in them. At least one grammatical error in most sentences. If we have a look here, make some errors in grammar and punctuation, but they rarely reduce communication. And this is the case here. They are making quite a few grammatical errors, but it doesn't stop the reader understanding what they're saying. If that was the case then it might go down to a band five, but here they're making lots of mistakes, but it doesn't reduce communication. It doesn't impede my ability to read the essay. So definitely not a band eight, not a band seven. It would be a band six for that reason only. Doesn't matter how many grammatical structures you have. It doesn't matter how many tenses you have. If you do not have lots of error-free sentences, you cannot get a band eight. The other thing that the examiner will notice is nearly all of the mistakes here are either articles or countable, uncountable nouns. It is the same two grammatical errors coming up again and again and again. And these are known as systematic errors. Every time or nearly every time this system, this area of grammar comes up, the student is making a mistake, which is indicative of someone who is at a band six. Now the good news for this student is they can easily bring their band up from a band six to a band seven or even a band eight, not by improving everything about their grammar, but by improving just two areas. Now this might not be the case for you, but for most students, they do have a problem with one or two or maybe three areas. For you, it might not be articles and countable, uncountable nouns. It could be prepositions or it could be punctuation or it could be subject verb agreement or it could be tenses. But for most students, it is just one or two of these problem areas. And the examiner sees these all the time because you're making mistakes with these all the time. That means that most of your sentences have errors in them, which makes it impossible for you to get a band eight because you do not have the majority of sentences being error free. So as you can see, this student is in and around band six for task response, coherence and cohesion, lexical resource and grammatical range and accuracy. And this is not a bad essay. This essay has lots and lots of very typical, very common errors that most students make. Remember that the average score worldwide for IELTS writing task two is 5.5 below the level of this essay. This essay is actually pretty good. But the great thing that I'm about to show you now is with small tweaks, you'll see I'm not gonna completely transform the essay. I'm just gonna make small changes, rewrite it and you'll see how practical and how realistic it is to go from a band six, definitely to a band seven and even to a band eight. So instead of a general background statement, what we're gonna do is start off with just looking at the question statement and paraphrasing this. So some, instead of adolescence, we're gonna change this to juveniles. Juveniles, children, means the same thing. So this already makes our essay a lot more precise. So what is this doing? This is demonstrating to the examiner a few things. Number one, it is demonstrating that I've understood the question because it's impossible to accurately paraphrase something that you don't understand. It has also shown the examiner that my grammar is okay, my vocabulary is okay, because I'm only using language that I know 100%. So instead of saying there are many benefits, what I'm gonna do is directly answer this first question. So why do they spend a lot of time on their mobile phones? This is because video streaming apps are so engrossing. You could use entertaining, you could use addictive even, but we're saying the reason why they're spending so much time is because they're watching these highly entertaining videos. So I've demonstrated to the examiner that I understand the question and I have answered the question directly. This helps me with task response. And as you can see, we're taking a very different approach to this student. This student is hesitant. They're not really giving the examiner any indication of what they think. We are telling them exactly what they, what we think about the question in the second sentence. Then we need to think about the second sentence. So but this can have negative consequences. Is it positive or negative? I think it has negative consequences. Why do I think it has negative consequences? Because they can distract children from family life. So instead of like this essay we'll do, we'll look at the positives and this essay we'll look at the negatives. We are telling them exactly what we think it's negative and why we think it. So I have sufficiently addressed all parts of the task as it says for task response here. And I'm going to present a well-developed response in the rest of the essay in the main body. I've sequenced the information and ideas logically. I answered question one and then I answered question two and I've used a wide range of vocabulary without any imprecision. Same with grammar. I haven't made any mistakes. And you might be looking at this and thinking, well, you're an English speaker. Of course it is going to be very, very good. But look at the difference in language between this and this. There isn't a huge amount of difference. It is just that this person is choosing language that is a little bit more precise. I mean the only high level language really here is engrossing but you could change that to entertaining. There is no really high level language here but all of the language is precise and accurate. And as you've seen here, the student is only really making, they made a article mistake here, a few spelling mistakes. So I'm only making like one fewer grammatical error than this student. It is not about completely transforming what you're doing. It is about making these small tweaks. So let's start off with our first main body paragraph. Okay, so minors love using mobile devices because streaming services have many entertaining videos. So I've changed their main idea slightly. I've changed it from games to streaming services. The reason why I've done this is my son uses a lot of these streaming services. He watches YouTube, Disney Plus, all of these things. So I'm using an idea that I'm confident about, what I'm writing about. You should always pick the idea that is easiest for you to write about. Not the idea that you've seen in a sample essay or not the idea that you think he's going to impress the examiner. Pick the idea that is easiest to write about. And you'll also see the difference between here and here is because I mentioned video streaming apps here and then I mentioned them here, there's more cohesion. There's more of a link between what I said in the introduction and what I'm talking about in the main body paragraph. That makes it much easier for the examiner to understand what I'm doing and it helps my coherence and cohesion. I've changed young ones to minors. Minors is correct. Young ones is also correct but it is a little bit informal, a little bit less precise. So I've slightly changed this one but it's pretty much the same sentence because this was good. I've just changed games to shows. So I have changed the example a lot and this is one of the reasons why I chose streaming shows because I know a lot more about streaming shows and Netflix and YouTube and things like that than I do about games. I'm not a gamer and my son doesn't really play games. So I've changed it to, for example, many videos on Netflix are aimed at children, which is true. Some of which design their title and thumbnails so the little image to entice or attract children to click on one more video. So this is very different from my cousin, all right. My cousin plays a lot of games. Who cares? This is talking about Netflix and Netflix has billions of customers and I know that they do this because when I open up Netflix on my TV, I can see that they have designed their thumbnails, their images in a way to be highly attractive to children. What I did not say was, for example, my son watches Netflix all the time. It's too personal. As a result, they spend their free time in front of a screen instead of being outside doing physical activities such as bike riding or playing sports. You don't have to put, as a result, you could actually put this up here and then put the example down there. It doesn't really matter. But what I'm doing is I'm linking this back to the question. So I'm looking at the question, why do they spend so long on smartphones? Because they're addicted. They're staring at the screen all day. They're indoors looking at their phones instead of being outside. Okay, so if we look at the second paragraph here, sorry if you can see this wire. They started going into the positives and talking about pedagogical beneficial and all this sort of stuff. What I've done instead is I've just acknowledged that there are positives. Despite them being highly enjoyable for the child. So this is a positive thing. But what I'm doing is I'm linking it to my previous paragraph. So I'm acknowledging what I've just said. So I've said, yep, they really enjoy them. They find them entertaining, but I don't think so. I think that these should be viewed negatively. And then I've stated one reason why I think that it is negative. Instead of three reasons, I've just put one reason. And then instead of me listing more reasons, I'm going to explain why I think this is negative and give an example of it being negative. Okay, so why is being around your parents and your siblings, why is that a good thing? Because being around your family teaches you values, manners and how to treat others. So I'm explaining why this is a negative thing. Because if you're not spending time with your family, you're not going to learn their values, their manners, how to treat others. Okay, so you need to explain this a bit more. Why should people have manners and values and what is the problem with them watching YouTubers? If a child misses these opportunities, they could grow up to have impaired social skills and take their values from YouTubers rather than their mother and father. Okay, so the thing missing now is a specific example of YouTubers like misleading children. So for instance, one of the most popular personalities of YouTube on YouTube is Logan Paul, who is well known for promoting drug use, gambling and violence. So as you can see, the difference between this paragraph and this paragraph is I've clearly stated that I think it's negative. I've picked a clear position. I've explained why I think that is negative and give an example of that negative thing happening. And my example is not made up. This is a real person who has really done these things. Okay, so in conclusion, videos on mobiles may be irresistible to those under 18. Why are they spending so much time on their phones? Because these videos are irresistible, they're engrossing, they're addictive, they're attractive to children. So very similar to what this person here has put, cell phones have plethora of apps to keep offspring entertained. But the problem with this is that they didn't really make it clear that this is why children are spending so much time throughout their entire essay. We make it clear in the introduction, we make it clear here and we're making it clear here. So we present a well-developed response to the question with relevant extended and supported ideas and we've sufficiently addressed all parts of the task. We've also sequenced information and ideas logically. We've introduced our main idea in the introduction. We've gone into detail in the main body paragraph and then we've summarized it, we've stated it again in our conclusion. So we've concluded the first question, let's conclude the second question. However, parents should restrict screen time as much as possible to limit the harmful effects. It is negative. Influores can have on their sons or daughters upbringing. So I'm not using words like offspring, progeny, I'm using son and daughter. Simple, but correct. And you'll see that throughout the entire essay. There is a wide range of vocabulary here, but the difference between here and here is here it is used precisely and accurately. And as we can see here for lexical resource uses a wide range of vocabulary flumently and flexibly to convey precise meanings. It does not say uses as much high level unusual vocabulary as possible. For grammatical range and accuracy uses a wide range of structures. You will naturally use a wide range of structures. Both of these essays have a wide range of structures. But the difference between this one and this one, the majority of sentences here are error free. I don't think I made any mistakes, but if I did, they will only be slips. If you enjoyed this lesson, click on this next lesson. It is really going to help you with your aisles preparation and it is even better than the video that you just watched. Thanks very much for watching.