 RCA Victor, world leader in radio, first in recorded music, and first in television, presents transcribe the Phil Harris Alice Faye show. For your enjoyment, here is the Phil Harris Alice Faye show, written by Ray Singer and Dick Chevrolet, with Elliott Lewis, Walter Tetley, Robert North, Jeanine Ruse, and Whitfield, Walter Sharp in his music, and yours truly, Bill Foreman. Phil Harris may have a few faults, but one of them is not laziness. When something needs doing, he'll do it, whether he's asked to or not. He's not always a great help, but more about that later. First a word from RCA Victor. At Homer Away, you'll have a world of entertainment at your fingertips when you own RCA Victor's smart new super personal radio. It's the handiest portable radio you can buy, no bigger than an average book. And it's so lightweight and compact, you can take it anywhere with ease. And tiny as it is, you'll find that with its room size, volume, and big radio tone, it's a match for much larger portables. But the advantages of RCA Victor's super personal portable radio don't end there. With new RCA balanced life batteries, it plays longer, up to 10 times longer than previous small portable radios. And its new battery lifesaver switch can add even more playing hours by letting the batteries loaf in strong signal areas. Enjoy music and your favorite radio shows wherever you go. Select RCA Victor's tiny new super personal portable for yourself or as a gift. It comes in a choice of six stunning colors and it's priced at only $29.95 plus batteries, slightly higher in the far west and south. See and hear RCA Victor's long, long playing super personal portable radio at your RCA Victor dealers tomorrow. And now the stars of the RCA Victor program, Alice Faye and Phil Harris. As you all know, this is the month for the March of Dimes Drive. Alice is helping in her neighborhood to raise money for the National Infantile Paralysis Foundation. She's been out all morning collecting funds and as we look in, she's just returning home. Oh gosh, it's good to get home. I'm really tired. Phil? Phil, where are you? In my studio, dear. I'll be with you as soon as I remove my smock. Smock? And beret. Oh, I've had a grueling morning at the easel. What are you doing with an easel? I'm doing an oil painting. I'm having an awful time. Prying to capture the beauty and gorgeous coloring of my subject is practically impossible. What are you painting? A self portrait. Oh, you'll never be able to capture that much beauty, Phil. That takes an experienced artist. Yeah, I guess you're right. That would require a Rembrandt or a Michelangelo or a Van Gogh. Oh, the man who draws the cat's and jamma, kid. Never mind. I think if I keep at it, I'll manage to get it myself. No, Phil, you don't know anything about painting. I don't know any... How long have you been with me, miss? I've never told you this before, but because of my artistic ability, they wanted me to play the lead in Moulin Rouge. That's the picture about that French painter, Toulouse La Trek. That's too loose. Not since I had it tightened. They wanted me to play the part instead of José Ferrer. Oh, because of your painting ability? No, because I've had more experience walking on my knees. I gotta stop drinking them short beers. Phil, take that silly-looking smock off and help me count my collections for the March of Dime. Okay. Hey, by the way, how'd you do today? Well, not as well as I had hoped. I had a goal of $1,000 and all I got was about, oh, about $800. Do me a favor, Phil, and count the money while I go inside and put my slippers on. I have to turn it into the foundation this afternoon. Okay, honey, go ahead. I'll count it for you. Hey, there's quite a lot of green stuff here. I haven't had $800 in my hand since I lost... come in. Hi, Curly. Oh, look at that chlorophyll tissue paper. Where'd you get it and how much you got? It's $800 and I got it from Alice. Oh. What'd you do with her body? What body? She ain't dead. This is money that she got this morning. She went from door to door collecting it. With all her dough, she goes around panhandling. She got it for a foundation. Well, she could use a new one. She's getting a little hippy. My wife is not hippy. She has a beautiful figure. She's just as slender as when she was 16. Well, thank you, Phil. What made you say that? I heard you sneaking up and back of me. Hi, Alice. Hi, Elliot. Where'd you get all this money, Curly's holding? Oh, I collected it this morning for the Instantile Paralysis Foundation. You did pretty good, didn't you? Not good enough. I didn't quite make my quota. I'm $200 short. Oh, don't let that bother you, Alice. I'll make my contribution till you're right now. I'll give you everything I have in my pocket. There you are. What a wonderful donation. A corkscrew, a bottle opener, a folding martini glass, and a ceramic cocktail onion. That ain't a ceramic onion. It's a plastic cherry for old-fashioned. It's a little faded from submersion. I appreciate this, but, you know, it would help Morris if you gave some money. You just happened to mention the one thing that I'm out of. However, I can help in another way. How? I'll contribute my talent. Alice, take the faded cherry. Honey, how come you didn't make your quota? Well, I would have if it hadn't been for Miss Smith. Miss... Who's Miss Smith? Oh, she's some girl who lives in the neighborhood. You know, she got to all the men first and turned on the charm. Any man that makes a contribution, she gives him a kiss. Isn't that disgusting? That depends. What does she look like? Oh, she's a cute red-headed model with a lovely figure. But you know, I think kissing strange men is disgraceful, and somebody should talk to her. Alice, you're right. She needs fatherly advice from somebody other than, Elliott, wait for me! Hurry up, Dad! I'm going to be right with you, Pops. I'm right up. Come back here. Come back here, both of you. If I wanted to turn on the charm and act sultry the way she does, I could get more money for the fun, too. Hey, you know how to act that way? Are you kidding? Why, I'll show you how easy it is for a woman to twist you men around her finger and get money out of you. What's this? A Filzy Boy. I'm here to collect for the March of Dimes. You're going to give me a real generous donation, aren't you? You ain't getting through, Tummy. Hey, look, you great, big, handsome brute. If I were to give you a great, big kiss, would you give me a great, big contribution? No, I would. Well, why not? Because you're my wife, and this ain't going to lead to nothing. Not on me, Alice. I'm a wicker. Forget about it. Look, Alice, the trouble with you is that you just don't have a good sales pitch. Now, let me tell you something. You know what I could do? I could go out in a half an hour, double that $800 that you just collected. Oh, that I'd like to see. Go ahead, big shot. Let's see what you can do. All right, I will. Come on, Elliot. You'd better leave that $800 here. No, no, honey. That's too much money to leave lying around the house. I better carry it with me. Let's go, Elliot. All right. When I turn that Harris charm on them housewives, I'll have them give me their old man collar button stick, paint socks, neck knives. What a collection I'll have. How am I doing so far? Not bad. You've been out for two hours. You called at 30 houses. You got 42 cents. I can't understand them women turning me down. Curly, why don't you give up? Go home and give Alice back her $800 and admit she's better than you are. Never. Where I come from, they don't give up. The Nashville Nightingale has just begun to fight. The Nashville Nightingale? Also known as the Tennessee Tith Willow. I'm going to try this house and show you that I can do it. Hey, now, Elliot, look, when this day matches the door, I'm going to turn that Harris charm all the way up and give her a full blast. You know what I'm going to do with this one? I'm going to give her my dreamy, closed eye job. What is that? Well, that's the up and under kid with a Robert Mitchum float. How do you do? Darling, I'm here to ask you for something, and I know that you cannot refuse me. Can you? You better stand back, lady. Fire's going to start coming out of his nose. What can I do for you, boy? Girl, you better open your eyes and look at this one. Okay. Look, Miss, I... So we... I'll be darned by you. I'm really coming out of his nose. Oh! Does he always light up like that? Boy, you can't blame him. Hey, girlie, isn't she the most luscious redhead you ever saw? Yeah, I'm so exotic. She has a mysterious type of beauty. What's your name, Miss? Smith. How? Oriental. That's an Indonesian name, isn't it? It must be. The name Smith is so romantic. Yeah. It makes one think of moonlight on the Ganges. A sunset on the Taj Mahal. A rickshaw ride in Rangoon. Two bearded brothers on a cough drop bottle. Yeah, that too, that too. Oh, you fellows are awfully sweet to me. But tell me, why did you come over to see me? We're here to see you about a donation for the March of Dine. Oh, that's wonderful. I'm one of the collectors in this neighborhood, and I'll be glad to take anything you want to donate. Well, you see, Miss, I... I'm sure a great, big, handsome man like you is going to give me a great, big, generous contribution. Aren't you? Now, she's getting through okay. Oh, yes, yes, I'll give a little something. Oh, how much are you going to give? You beautiful curly-headed rascal, you. Would a curly 800 be enough? Oh, 800. 800 dollars? Well, that's all I have now, but I'll raise more later, dear. But here, here, go ahead and take it. Oh, thank you for such a wonderful contribution. You get a kiss. Well, uh, if you insist. Oh, I do. Here's your kiss. This is an 800 dollars? Thank you, wonderful, and I want to thank you on behalf of the March of Dine. Goodbye. Bye. Bye. Isn't she a lovely thing? Yeah. I'm proud of what we just did. Me too. What did we just do? We just made an 800 dollar contribution to a beautiful red-headed girl named Smith. When Alice hears about this, she'll...she'll... Oh, back to the drums! I've got no idea. If you realize what I've done, I just gave that money Alice collected to her rival. I've got to get it back. You can't do that. When you give something to Charity, you can't get it back, and besides, she ain't going to give it to you. Yeah, all right, I guess you're right. But can't you understand, I can't go home without Alice's money. I've got to raise 800 dollars someplace. Now, I'll just have to go around and see if I can collect it. You tried that, Curly. You'll never get it that way. You'll just have to borrow it from someone. Whom? I know a guy. He runs a loan company. Come on, I'll take you over to see him. Hey, Elliot, what? I don't know about borrowing money from a loan company owned by a friend of yours. You'll probably want a lot of collateral like my house or my car or my wife. I don't know, not this guy. He doesn't ask for anything like that. I assure you this is a legitimate place and you have nothing to worry about. Come on, let's go in. Well, it's a cozy little cell. What kind of a place is this? Welcome to the Helping Hand Loan Company. Broke! I don't believe I want to borrow any money from you. I don't believe anybody asked you for your opinion. Just take the money. Don't give me any arguments. But, Grogan, I... Take it! Take it on a trial basis. You take the money home. You try it for two weeks. If you don't like it, you bring it back and we will cheerfully refund your blood. You mean I have to leave my blood as collateral? Just a gallon. You'll never miss it. If I gave you a gallon of my blood, I'd be too weak to move. That's the object. We don't want you running around spending our money. This is ridiculous wanting my blood. I told you, Elliot, come on, let's get out of here. Now, what's the matter with you? Nobody leaves here without money. You know what, Harris? You are a friend of mine, so I will let you have the money without any collateral. Well, that's different, Grogan, and I appreciate that. Don't mention it. It's all right. Now, tell me how much you want. It's all right to ask for as much as you need because we have an unlimited supply of currency on hand. Well, I need $800. You got it. Here you are. Two $400 bills. I don't believe I've ever seen a $400 bill. Well, naturally not, you schnook. I haven't put them on the market yet. It's on this spring line. I love the feel of our bill. Here, just feel this one. Go ahead. Go ahead. Feel it. It's dry. Hey, it's nice and soft. What's this bill made of? Cashmere. Are you going to take it? I don't know. Elliot, do you think the March of Dimes will get suspicious if I try to give them a cashmere $400 bill? They might. Well, let's get out of here. So long, Grogan. We don't want to. Hey, Curly, now how are you going to raise the money? How do I know? Hey, wait a minute. I got an idea. People pay a lot of money to hear me sing, so I'll sing right here on the street corner and raise the dough in no time. You're going to sing on the street corner? You, the Chattanooga crow? That's nice, Bill Nightingale. I'm going to sing. Now you take my hat, pass it through the crowd and take up a collection. Go ahead. My pretty lady, won't you try something new? Won't you buy? They're all imported from the tropics, just especially for you. There's a little fella always in the park selling nuts and candy, happy as a lard, chirpy as a cricket as he scrolls along. Everybody loves him and his funny song. Peanuts, popcorn, cracker, jack and jelly apple, won't you buy from me? Peanuts, popcorn, cracker, jack and jelly apple, won't you buy, won't you buy, won't you buy from me? Won't you buy, pretty lady? Won't you try something new? Won't you buy? They're all imported from the tropics, just especially for you. Peanuts, popcorn, cracker, jack and jelly apple, won't you buy from me? Peanuts, popcorn, cracker, jack and jelly apple, won't you buy, won't you buy, won't you buy from me? Won't you try my pretty lady? Honey, won't you buy something new? Won't you try pretty lady? They're all imported from the tropics, just especially for you. Won't you buy, bye-bye-bye-bye-拜拜. Do you pass that hat around? Oh, yeah. How much should we get? Two Canadian pennies, a beer cap and a summons for disturbing the peace. You're stuck with the kid and I know it done better than that. Now, let me see the hat. I can't. Why not? Somebody's stole it. Oh, we're doing great. Great. Now we're out $800 in cash and a $3 derby. Looks like your voice ain't gonna help us. We'll have to think of something else. Hey, Curly, I got an idea. That Ms. Smith raised money by selling kisses and she did pretty good. Now whose kisses would people pay more for than hers? Well, I... Mine! Well, I, of course, my lips will put that March of Dimes, boom! They'll have more money than they know what to do with. Watch this. All right, ladies. Will you step in a little closer, you dolls? Right in a little closer, please. That sets you pretty, thanks. Yes, you lovely ones, you. Now, in order to raise money for the March of Dimes, I'm about to give you the opportunity of a lifetime. Now listen closely, ladies. For the small sum of $10, you get a chance to kiss Phil Harris. How would you like to kiss Phil Harris? I'd rather kiss a sick camel. All right, kid, don't bother me. I'm selling kisses for the March of Dimes. That ought to slow the march down to a crawl. Little buddy, you got no time for jokes. Now this is for a good cause. The least you can do is stop yakking and try to help me. Oh, I'm trying, Mr. Harris. If you're sincere, I'll be glad to help you. What would you want me to do? Just this. I want you to address this lovely crowd and talk them in to buy in kisses from me. That ain't gonna be easy. How do I go about it? Look, it's a cinch. All you gotta say is this. Step up, ladies and gentlemen, only $10 to be kissed by Loverlips Harris. This is, now look, we got a good crowd around here. Now get, just sell the kisses, will you please? How the hell, okay. He can't sell nothing. Go ahead, Elliot, sell them. Right, oh? Ladies, apparently you didn't hear this astounding offer. Well, this is the chance of the century. Isn't there anybody or anything that wants to kiss Phil Harris? Come now, it won't hurt. We give you an overcame. This angle. All right. Splendid thought. We'll give him eight balls for a quarter. Wait a minute, you ain't gonna do this. He's right, kid. We haven't got any baseball. In just a moment. You can play any record 45, 33 and a third or 78 RPM automatically on RCA Victor's new three-speed Victrola attachment. The center is the secret. Your 45 records fit perfectly on the large center spindle. Records change from the center the modern 45 way. And this unique spindle slips off in a jiffy when you want to play your 33 and a third and 78 RPM records. So buy whatever record you like in the speeds and sizes you prefer and play them automatically through any radio, phonograph or TV set on RCA Victor's new three-speed Victrola attachment. When you visit your dealers, listen to RCA Victor's new Glenn Miller album. It's music in the Miller manner. Eight wonderful hit tunes, including Intermezzo and Sleepy Lagoon. Ask for Glenn Miller concert volume three at your RCA Victor dealers tomorrow. Folks, this is Phil again. I sincerely hope that our program is served as a reminder for you to give generously to the March of Dimes. Also, my thanks to Bing Crosby and his entire organization for my invitation to the Bing Crosby pro-amateur golf tournament held at Pebble Beach last week. Bing informs me that through the help of the participants and that wonderful, wonderful gallery in the Bay Area, $35,000 was raised and has been turned over to the city of Monterey and will be used to aid crippled children. Thanks, Bing, for a good job. Good night, everybody. Good night, everybody. Included in this program transcribe were Julie Bennett and Sheldon Leonard. The part of Julius was played by Walter Tetling. Whether you're in the mood for reading or relaxing, for dancing or romancing, there's music to match it in RCA Victor's new mood music series. You'll find a choice of melodies to fit your every mood, played by outstanding artists like Hugo Winteralter, Henry Rene, and the Malacrino Strings. Ask your RCA Victor record dealer tomorrow for the new mood music records on extended play and long play records by RCA Victor. Next here, theater guild on the air over NBC.