 She's not my classmate. She's not my classmate. We just went to university together for context. She's Nigerian. She's northern. I don't really know my tribe But she's a northern but anyways every holiday her dad made it a duty like she needed to come back travel back Okay, I also didn't study in Nigeria. I should probably say that so every holiday every summer break Her dad will make sure she comes back to Nigeria, which is like oh come see family come visit You know, it's always nice to come back. But then what was really weird was that every time she came back home He takes her straight to the hospital to the gynaecologist for them to check Virgin That is so weird there's something about Nigerians with abusing power That is I have this classmate right So this game coming for you, but let me The importance of parents guidance and other caregivers in all aspects of a person's development cannot be overemphasized right so From the video right You would understand that a lot of parents are Afraid when it comes to issues around sex, but the role of sexual education is very crucial as you can see Parents are the single largest influence on their adolescence decision about sex and parents and For most parents and their children the prospect of talking about topics related to sexuality creates Anxiety and apprehension and this may lead to avoidance of Discaution in a very healthy way or You know or like seeking some level of openness when you're having that conversation, right? So how should parents approach sexual concerns or fears? Whichever one you might call it some call it is a fear something's just genuine concern now Please let's hear what you have to say remember you can join the conversations and it's an SMS or what? Subsoil one eight zero three four six six three you can also tweet at us at the way show after one with a hashtag wish show All right, so this is interesting Before I even come back to that girl Quickly, what was your experience like with sex education with your parents? Okay, so for me, I think I was just one of the very lucky ones my parents are quite liberal and I Come from a very closely needed family very open so we have conversations my mom never truly said to me Oh, once a boy touches you you get pregnant. I mean for her again. I got with boys So she was easy for her to say listen your girl. That's a difference You know, I mean then when I started my puberty and all that and she was just like, okay You know what I mean if you have sexual relations now like with the way you are now I mean you could easily get pregnant you could you know, but there was not there was no scare like oh a boy touches you I mean, I really mingled with boys. I even remembered when I had my first boyfriend I mean the first person I told was even like that. That's how you know close we were and He didn't make me curious because I didn't feel like I was missing out on anything Oh, I needed to do stuff or I needed to hide and and that I could easily Okay, so when I say having questions about sex, I spoke to my mom about it. Okay, so my body's changing Okay, what does this mean? What does I just quite open about it. So I never had any Sex education. Wow for my parents I know my dad would always tell me not to play with the boys Not to say to the boys and we first moved to First move to Lagos We're living in this public compound and you know normally in the afternoon or even in the night There are benches around people would just sit you sit with your your fellow kids Once I'm sitting with a boy Once I hear she away daddy's back. I will start running Because the one day where he saw me sitting beside a boy He called me into the house and he gave me the slap of my life. Wow So since then Once I did boy my father must not see me walking with the boy He must not see me talking to a boy. Nothing, but he never really said. Oh This is why I kind of like had an idea About these things because I grew up around adults So I saw a lot of things witnessed a lot of things So I grew too fast for my age, but the one time where I heard about Oh if a boy touches every man touches you you get pregnant was when I was living with my aunt and One of our friends who used to come to sleep over in our house. She started a period So he was in our house when she started her period and my aunt went Now that you stay seeing your period in human now if any man You're getting pregnant. So there's this there's this fear So I think one day the lady left and the girl left and when she came back the second It shows that ah that when she went to one of our uncle touched down I'm gonna touch you how so he just held her hand. Oh my god. Are you pregnant? Myself of my cousin we went back to I said you like was she has what do you mean? I thought you said I even my thought she's in your head. So stuff is not pregnant now That you see So I was very realized that oh Okay, it was she was actually just put in fear Yeah, and she kind of like tried a little bit to teach us about those things But she wasn't exactly clear because I also felt like she didn't want to say too much. Yeah Yeah, I was saying to market. Let me not say too much. So do you know too much? There was this way and she always checked us So this thing that this man really yeah, she checked us but not as Extreme as good as extreme as going to the hospital, but even her own method wasn't exactly Friendly or nice. It was very upsetting even to us as as teenagers We didn't like it at all But it did happen once in a while especially if she traveled for a period of time and then she comes back We're just two girls and anyway lots of boys and young men in the house So I kind of like understood her paranoia But I also wanted to believe that at that age because I was very outspoken I knew that if anything had happened I would have probably told her but then she just felt like as kids kids Might not want to open up to tell you so she had to do her own her own checks. Hmm. No, my finger So what was your experience before we now come to the topic of the day? Well But when you grow up in a family of several girls and with a military father as your dad You can only imagine what the setting is like There's no Man that at the bone well so to speak That they wanted to see who who exactly do you want to see? So that was the story of our lives seven girls one boy With a dad who had the double barrel so and dogs as well. So what's what what do you want to come and tell? Any of them? Yeah, so pretty much that was the exposure that we had My parents were quite protective of us always Hammering always talking. We never really quite got the story of all you they taught you get pregnant But the reality is was that if you get pregnant, you're gonna carry that pregnancy You know stop school you're gonna stop schooling you're going to be responsible for each other but all of that was quite scary because Imagine having to leave school to care for another child and each of us had had that background of having to take care of The younger ones when you are older slightly older So we have had that responsibility and they're now taking care of your own child at that age No, it didn't sound good at all. So everybody was set straight and focused on education and And all what not it was so bad that even in university when guys came To talk to me. I sounded like an old man. It's like don't you have the important things to do? Don't you have studies? It's like it was so weird like what kind of child are you? Talking like an older person. So really that was as much as we got but a lot of it You learned along the way so to speak. Yeah, that was my experience So similar situation seven girls two boys in my own house. It was a You know, my mother is like a hook like so she would put her teeth inside if she needs to bite off your ear So you can hear what, you know, but I think because we are like I did bottom pot I'm second to the last one, you know, so it's easier. They had already used my older ones as scapegoats because they kind of flogging You know, you know those killing offence all those things so the kind of flogging that they will flog you You would realize that I don't want this kind of because me. I don't like This my body's too. I don't like mark. I don't want so when I saw the way that you know Because again a lot of I think a lot of parents at that time. They were raising they were parenting with fear Yeah, you know, so it was almost like I need to instill fear in you and all of that Unlike now that we have a lot more open discussions But I want us to go on a break because I ought to also open our phone lines to hear audience Then we'll not come back to that video. Stay with us. We'll be right back All right, thanks for staying with us now If you just tuned in is our ladies night out and we're discussing the topic How should parents approach sexual concerns or fears, right? Please? Let's hear what you have to say Remember you can join the conversation send us an SMS or what's up to 08 1 8 0 3 4 6 6 3 You can also see that as that we should have got one of the hashtag we show our phone line is now open The number to call is 07 0 2 5 0 0 7 7 4 9 So three things that lady mentioned in that video She said something around northerns She said that Why do people want to always abuse power and she said what else did she say was it of the three now Well Two things let's stop at the fact that the girl is a northern and also is almost like abuse of power And I want to say to Everyone that cares to listen this is not because because again There was some argument that was coming up around the fact that this girl is what she's a girl That's why this is being done. The truth is that I have sons, right? The only thing is that you can't test Well, that a boy is sexually active if there's a test We let me know because I need to I be said I would carry out the test, you know But I mean you can't test it like the way you can go and examine a young lady, right? If there's any form of penetration, I remember the movie when you were talking about Compound and all of that. I just watched a movie on Netflix wildflower It was about rape and all of that a young girl in a compound Yes, the guy was trying to but he eventually did not penetrate so when it went to the hospital It was a hospital that proved that there was no Penetration so three things I want to say before I just move to you ladies I've seen a lot of I've heard a lot of girls now going into Practicing in our sex because again, they want to help the parents that are parenting with fear That this is sure you're going to go and examine. No problem. We'll try another method, you know I've seen a lot of people indulge men Through that method because of the same thing Secondly when you raise children like that You are raising what's it called? Hippocrates, right? There is nothing wrong because we are naturally wired to be sexual beings, right? There's nothing wrong for someone to start having those feelings The only problem is that you're not able to control it. So When you raise children like that what you are doing is that the girl because I remember a classmate of mine in school Then she is a pastor's daughter. She would wear bomb shots in school things. I would not wear But guess what when she was going home? She had two different boxes of clothes She'll keep this box that she wears in school with her With her what's it called her classmates and she would take this other box when she's going back home One with a long skirt and all of that So when you parent your child the way this lady described in this video What you are doing is that you're raising a lot of hypocrites because guess what? They will just give you exactly children know how to please you Then the third one I would like to say is parents Need to understand that it is not every subject matter that you must be the one to train your children Thankfully in this present age and time we have sex educators. They have dedicated their life's work in Helping young people the only thing you can do is be there when they are having this conversation So don't feel the burden if you are not comfortable because again we too We're not comfortable talking about sex. So it is difficult for you that you're not comfortable to talk about it Now wanting to teach your child. What would you say? You don't have anything to say? So you can then just hand over that burden to the experts. They would help you there are books There are different things age appropriate, you know at zero to three at four to seven You know there are books available for that, you know instead of Going to this extreme because now the girl will always feel like any time I'm coming home, you know There's there's something that will rub off wrongly. So that's why I understand these girls Concern but even she said this is not you there's no way to link it with power because this is not sure of power That statement that she used to round up the conversation. She just pointed for me because it is Genuine fear and concern from the parent. That's why a father will go to that extreme Make sure you come home. You think it's easy to buy a flight ticket come home every summer You know and the first thing he does is to take her to the hospital. You think that is sure of power That's not sure of power. That's the father that is afraid and he doesn't want his child I'm given that they are northerners You know, there's some things that are very sacred. They still there are some things that they still hold to say Oh, yeah, you know this thing chastity and all that, you know, so you can't just draw conclusions That are people just concluding social work. Yeah Well, they have their right, but let me hear your thoughts. Yeah, so I'm going to assume that The person speaking is a minor. You know, you're less than 18 the university now. She cannot be mine Okay So if you are in the university, then it's going to be assumed that you're at least well I don't know young adults. Yeah, a young adult I don't know if That's approach again, you're right to say that it's coming from a place of genuine fear, you know, whether cultural whether Religious because of course there are sometimes religious influences as well However, I think that It's trauma on its own for the girl and It's just It's also an invasion of her body. I mean if she has to go through that every year every year She's doing that. She's doing that and at some point in time There is there is also the I'm trying to look at the the mental Backlash of it. That's okay. She's had I don't know how to conduct the test But why she's even now sexually active It may be such that maybe the way the father had painted it is such a dirty thing She might now not even be comfortable to do to go into sexual relations number one number two He might have some form of mental setback on her the idea of only one even, you know Trying but three she can change her preference exactly. She can change her preference You are very right to say that it is not all parents But are knowledgeable about this subject matter and are comfortable with the aid game because of the way they were also raised So the thing is if your fear is so you are I don't know. It's I don't know. I can't put myself in that girl's Position because for me, I'm just trying to be like my father My father does this to me You see if the father is is talking to her from a place of fear Somebody is going to speak to her From a place of love To make her feel this thing No, and that's what she will listen to the person will groom her Exactly She just decides, okay, you know what that was but as dirty come on And that's that's where the problem starts the new baby Some I'm very uncomfortable with these parental concerns and fears I Understand it but I hate the fact that it always goes towards the women Because when you're always trying to shield we men shield we men you're always trying to teach them You're always trying to instill fear into them. You don't instill the same fear into the men And that's why you have a lot of I'm trying to find the right word You find very questionable men out there now when you talk about Infantophilia paedophilia you talk about Men who are predators They stem from things like this because they weren't taught from infancy or from when they were started Seeing puberty when they got to their puberty age. You didn't teach them these things or you need to abstain Like one rightly said you would end up creating kids that are hypocrites And then you also create kids who would have trauma like Jella said I remember my cousins even with all the checks that the mom did Every time the mom came and she asked some questions. We started to get very uncomfortable Now I know that personally she didn't do a lot of checks on me because My dad is a older brother. So I'm sure she must have. Hmm. Do my brother like this? Let me not do this. Let me do it to my own child my own child and Whenever she came close to her daughter and she starts asking those questions. I saw how the daughter reacted. It wasn't nice Like so I was having third hand experience Seeing all of those things. It wasn't nice And every time I picture them like if this woman does this to me No come close to me, please I've told you what I need to tell you you have to take it And leave it at that if you create a safe space For your kids to talk to you about things they would have those conversations with you But now when there is fear When it gets to the point where they need to be honest about something that has happened to them They will come to you Probably go to someone who is not going to help that person. We really really Yes, we really helped them and helped them in the worst way possible And as time went on the relationship between Her and the mom It wasn't it wasn't the nicest. Yeah And as as she grew older she became an adult How mom would definitely ask well, where did I grow up? I'm just like You don't know and it's what is sometimes Parents don't know these things. Yeah. Now a lot of parents are operating from their own trauma Based on based off of what they had been through in the past especially mothers or what they've been through and men Or fathers are acting based on what they've done to other people's daughters Or what they've seen their own friends. Yeah due to other people's daughters. So they are very scared I don't want that to happen to my daughter But in the truth is There's no amount of checks That you're going to do that is going to prevent people from attempting to do the same thing That you are scared of Now what you need to do is to create a space Where your child can easily Can be empowered. Yeah, you don't even necessarily have to ask any question I don't Know should I do or I feel this way or I start talking to this boy And this is how I'm feeling or this boy said something to me or this man or this uncle Said this to me. What should I do? Your sons should also receive the same education Sex education is not just for your daughters. It's not just for the girls It's for both the girls and the boys because boys are also picking up little little things. I mean boys get molested Oh, yeah But you don't hear them talk about it because to a lot of men it is supposed to be what a sexual prior It's supposed to be a win. It's a cool thing But the truth is a lot of boys are getting Molested if a lot of boys are getting touched in places. They shouldn't be touched a lot of boys Are getting spoiled at really young age and that's why they go to school And you find a five years old boy He's trying to touch another four years old girl Or a five years old girl Or a five years old boy is going to school to tell them about something they have seen at home and another little boy Who is innocent is learning that and taking him back home to teach his very siblings So exactly it's a vicious cycle So it just keeps going around and going around is little boys that spoil other little boys is little boys that spoil other little girls So, how would you I mean if a little girl of five years old We've had a little kids have sex. Absolutely. Now when that happens Obviously, there is no high men being broken probably at that point But has your child done the deed or not? Don't they do A baby let's pose absolutely. Let me hear your thought number. You are raising four children Well, uh, it's uh, I mean you you guys have said quite a bit There's I'm even just struck there. So what we even add to what you you've Shared in the conversation, but I just want to just pick a few points. Uh, just to as an addition And it's a fact that just from where Jennifer stops that basically there are three influences in the life of the child we have the Influence from home the background the upbringing what you teach the children then you have the environment That they grow up in whether it's in Nigeria or in the u.k. Or in the us or wherever india russia wherever And then you have emotional Experiences that they go through. So these are the three Poor influences in the life of the child Now, uh, when it comes to the environment in today's world, we even have an extra environment Which is the social media environments that is teaching quite a lot and depending on how much exposure That a child has And when you think about these things There's a lot for the 21st century parents to be concerned about or to have fears for But if they approach it like you had said rightly from the case of fear, then you find out that everything that Comes from a case of fear Actually shields it into reality So you find out that both times when parents say oh, this child though, you will not kill me You will not uh, if you get pregnant and then it actually happens the next thing you hear the parents say Chibi, I see fine you So it's like you already you already What you fear is like job that said what I feared the most came upon me Exactly Do you preempt it to come to the fore and that's something that parents need to pay Very very particular attention to that you are teaching a child Your teaching should not come from a place of fear, but from a place of information And that's where communication comes in very very importantly On how a parent should be able to approach sexual concerns Sometimes parents make it look as if that they were superstars, you know growing up Almost thought the parents came first, you know, so none of them ever did anything They're all they're all veggies You know what the truth of it is that when you share even your vulnerable sides with your children, of course per time The information you're sharing with them should be age appropriate When you're sharing to tell them that look in life It's not it's not a perfect scene. You are going to continue to learn sometimes you might make mistakes You might be able to avoid those mistakes if you listen To the wise counsel that you're given of power venture even if they happens There is a way out So that fear is not what drives them because most of the time in the process of not being Hotting daddy or mommy they end up finding themselves in a vulnerable state that exposes them to the same Vices that bring them to that place where they have feared the most and a lot of the parents if they were sincere with themselves They're driving force behind. Oh, don't do this and that is because some of them were Awareness comes to them and they begin to get paranoid and they are protecting and doing all sorts of things Sometimes you check it. Ah, daddy. Where have you been? Mommy? What kind of life did you live? So is your life exemplary because children need to be able to trust the adults in their life They need to be able to come to you with their problems with their concerns Tell you that oh and in today's world where online everywhere just comes a boom It comes up whether they want to know it or not. They're going to come to you with questions We have a situation some years back a child was trying to find out about sexuality Mommy what sex daddy says no that word is not mentioned in this house. Oh Mommy says didn't you hear your father This word is not mentioned it's prohibited in this house where children of god at the end of the day She goes to the driver and asks Oh, what is what's this about sex and he says didn't you ask your parents and she says no They are not giving me the answer and then the driver becomes the answer Says, okay, let me tell you but it's going to be a little I have to show you that the way we push children out And make it possible for creditors to be able to have access to their lives Be trusted enough to now manipulate them into doing those things that That we were afraid of and that's why we must not operate from the place of fear We must operate from the place of information When you share with the children, let them know that all these are the things that can happen. I mean this is natural It's going to happen to you at some point in your life, but you have to be ready for it When you put them through the process when you put them through the process By themselves they'll come to that decision. Oh, this is a beautiful thing But there's a time for it and I would wait for it It would be their own decision at the end of the day Okay, let's quickly take a comment quickly because we're running out of time All right, so I have a question. I have a comment from Sanctus Your topic how should parents approach sexual concerns or fears is an interesting one Most parents project their sexual experiences to their children and as such they become overly concerned on the subject matter towards their children Some parents who are struggling with their sexual life would think that their children would behave like themselves being overly concerned towards the sexually like towards the sexual life of your children would make them to create unbalanced human beings You can easily find out that many children became gays and lesbians because of their parents' preoccupation with their sexual life Sex education should be done in a free and open environment We love as a base Thank you, so thank you Sanctus. You really summed it nicely I was going to just add that you see the truth about sex and body I learned I I learned it from Someone and I taught my children how to take ownership of their lives You are not abstaining from sex because you want to please mommy. No, it's your life is your body You must take ownership. So would you like to see your body in a state? I mean if you are able to take ownership Of your life, right? Every decision you take in life You will you will always be On the good side. Yeah, because you are taking the decision not because you want to please anybody You're just taking the decision that is because you have information Thank you so much ladies. We have run out of time. Sorry you Daniel, hello, you said you missed me yesterday. We couldn't take your message. I'm sorry Please send another one and we take it tomorrow. Thank you Jennifer. Thank you Dila and thank you Nama Now before we go and show you follow us across all our social media handles that waste your ethical Get interacted as further drop a comment and most importantly Follow all our engagements on social media like share and invite your families and friends to watch and follow the conversation Now if you missed our quote for today, here it is again Parents are desperate for advice on how to talk with their kids about sex So parents, please go out there. There are there are experts that can help you instead of leading from a place of fear You've heard all of us today Lead from a place of information and you know, I am sure go to protect your children We'll see you guys tomorrow at 8 p.m. As we bring another great conversation to your screen. Enjoy