 Hey what's it you guys welcome back to my channel. Today I'm doing this live. I don't know if it is but it's live because it opens too much up and it gets too intense. As you fled by the title there's a content warning on this and that would be because some of the content that I'm going to be discussing within this stream is triggering and it will be triggering through some of you. In this video I'm talking about trauma. I'm talking about my trauma. I'm talking about specifics. So yes this video is going to be triggering. There's nothing I can do to make it less triggering. I just wanted to say hi to you all before I start this video. I've got the chat open on my laptop today so I'll keep up with it. So if anybody wants to say hi, give us a thumbs up and we'll talk about my story in a bit. There's really a chit chat for now. So the content warning that I put on very much is because I'm about to read. I wrote it down because of mental health and wanting to know what recording you need to have flashbacks and dissociate. So I wrote down on my entire childhood and teenage years right up until I moved away from Lancashire and it was a lot. Alien man. What about alien man? It's been a while. It's been a long time. He doesn't want to scratch on my face. I don't think I've made a couple of hundreds to cover that up. Of course I did. If you don't know, this was caused by my last inpatient admission from The Stun Stray. I had a weird experience last night and I'm making a whole video talking about this. Hello Anna. Hi. How are you doing? I had a hard night last night. I was at the request of the home treatment team. I broke down. How have you been helping since the police was it? Up and down. Last night I spoke to the home treatment team because I had a massive dissociative episode and it happened because I got triggered by myself. I ended up outside the front of my building with no shoes on in my pajamas in the rain and I didn't know how I got there. I went from filming a video and I blacked out. Like on camera I blacked out and I ended up outside. And that's terrified me. I'm absolutely terrified at the moment about it but my channel's almost and my channel's raw. So here we are. Also can you guys hear me okay? Because my phone's a bit temperamental with whether or not it works or ones still work. You know how in the police come out with that was it put me on edge. You know I did break down crying when he was here and you know trying to explain that was the one who really doesn't know you. It would be really hard. I don't know. I'm watching two puppy head burns, two puppy head burns. How many didn't happen with your bullying case or you need me like that? I put out sounds like a fan but I can hear you okay? I might be because it's on my laptop. Probably because it's on my laptop actually. Let me put a folder somewhere and stand you on that instead. You discuss it all the way and I say if anyone does see anything hosted by anyone involved contact Metropolitan Police and just like give my name and it'll be done like that. I don't want to be the one receiving all the screenshots and all of that so so anything that anyone hears is essentially alien landmine. Why do you want me to do that chat? Oh my god no, don't do this again to me. Thank you for the super chat. I appreciate it. So it's been interesting. Also if you're wondering what this is, it's my little worry monster. Been a while since we played this game. It has been a while. You're not wrong and I keep putting lavender oil on him. It's way looks like he's been soaked but I keep putting my lavender oil on him and just sleep with it on my face and it's so relaxing and yeah. I hate to lose your load music because I've had all I want. Oh my god Jordan. No. Not doing this again. Yikes. I just want her to leave me alone. I put my side out there. I proved that you know she did not report me to the police. I proved that in that video. I proved that but she was committing an offense and beyond that I don't want to share anything else. I don't want to talk about it. Honestly I find the whole thing really triggering and like it's taken over five months of my life and it really killed me. Like the amount of drama that went on it literally nearly killed me. I don't think like people realize that. Like people are like oh you made that decision. At that point there were seven people turning on me and like all I was getting through was negative messages and hate and you know it was horrible. It wasn't just Stephanie there was other accounts and I did say that to the police. Obviously I've been putting the entire police clip. Like there was no need. Just the important part. Her little following of my ex while I was. It got to me and that is what caused my last admission to hospital. That's what led to me taking them over. And yes I did take the pill but I did not ask to be bullied. I didn't ask it to be harassed. I asked multiple times to leave me alone and to leave my name off her account. She was furious. Oh my gosh. Why are you doing it on like one night and night? Like yeah. Don't die. I talk to you on the phone. That ain't awesome. We haven't spoken ages. Please don't call me that because I'm using my phone to this life. She went all literally crap on my phone. I've had some message in the super chat but it didn't let me. Yeah the super chat things have changed I think. I don't know. I haven't looked. To be honest I think you have to spend. It's been over two pounds to send a message. Hey. Hi. Hello. If you're so here you're so restrained you're better than I am. I am working with my mental health team now and my mental health team are so supportive. Like they understand respect you but you seem to bring all the bad stuff to your door. How do I? Literally all I do is sit in my room and get in the unit and talk about my life. I don't ask people to attack me. Like I disagree with you. I would never make an entire account dedicated to bringing someone else down. I'd never try and ruin someone else's life. Nice. Do you order it to deliver it if you don't get out or get it? Sorry. Yeah I do order everything but that's because I have Amazon Prime and I can have to deliver something. And I have friends who are better shop for me because I've been really struggling with that. But I bring all the bad stuff to my door. I don't believe I do. I've made some mistakes and I've been very open about the fact that I've made mistakes. But I say that I cause it all. I'm not the one sitting behind an account posing on someone, criticising their entire life for an audience of people. I'm not the one valuing what people to direct hate. All I've said to people is if they see anything report it to the police. Not me. All you need is my name and it's very simple to do. That's all I've said and that's all I've done. I've done nothing that deserves five months of being harassed, stalked and being dictated. I didn't say you're encouraged yet but you seem to find you're unlucky I guess. Sorry I might have misread that. Sorry. I am quite tired. I don't know my magic yet though because I need to eat something. But at the same time I also can't love to cook. Did nothing to want to know. Sounds about right the NHS. Honestly, there's something I want to address as well. After I make, there's something I want to address but, you know, so thank you. I appreciate that. So I want to address something and I need to have an publicly address this. I've avoided it quite honestly. Well, I took the biscuit. I could get biscuits. I have biscuits because I can warm them today. Me and another YouTuber I'm here called Bipolarplug. Used to, I'm not there in Gaol anyway. Someone called Bipolarplug here on YouTube. We're friends, right? She invited me and encouraged me to go to her book, House. And I did. We met up with Gaol. It was fun. And in April she kind of distanced herself. I didn't know why. I presumed it was because, you know, I was in hospital and that can be triggering to people when I expected that. It then got to a point where I was like, I'm literally giving her money and she's also hashing on me what am I doing? And she went, oh don't publicly drive me if you want me to message me. I tried messaging Gaol to answer me. That is a friendship I do miss. Like, you know, I thought we were good friends for, you know, what you're gonna do. That's the thing, this year I've lost so many friends. Like, people don't realise how many people I've lost this year. Like, obviously I haven't you guys. Like, I haven't you guys. I literally don't know what I'd do without you. But then there's been the amount of friends that I've lost. It's ridiculous. You just get to me. Like, do you know how much you'd have to push me to get me to a point where I'm feeling the police? Like, it's so hard and irritating. And, you know, my last admission was horrible. It was horrible. Like, you know, out of all the friends I have, two people came to visit. Two. One person who I would never have met before this was willing to come and visit me. And that time at Rebecca, who you saw earlier on my channel, if you haven't seen that video, it's amazing. And yeah, all that happened. And she is so supportive. Like, she literally, like, she, like, came to my flat, got my stuff and then brought it to hospital. Like, we'd never met. We'd hardly spoken online. And she was so willing to do it. And, you know, like, if she was coming to the hospital to visit me pretty much every day, like, there's nothing I can say or do that will ever, like, be able to hear that way, like, your life streaming on your phone. I get you out of this key, but why do others who do some of the things not get the flat? There's been a lot of stuff towards other advocates as well. Me and Heidi Gladwell had a very public falling out, which meant, you know, a lot of advocates sided with her because she's got the bigger following. But I am friends with a lot of advocates and they get the stuff too. They just don't respond to it. I do. And that's my fault. I shouldn't respond to it. I should ignore it. I should just be like, whatever. But you know what? I'm also a real person. And I don't have anything to hide, you know? Like, I'm just so public about things. I just don't have anything to hide at this point. Like, have you even started reading out my diary recently? That's how much I don't care. Like, people, there's been issues this year. Like, we all know about the Caitlyn situation. We all know about that. And that was a huge mistake on my part. But I took responsibility for that and, you know, kept that where it is. Where'd you get the laughing to roll on from? TK Max. TK Max. I've got loads of it. Like, I have loads. If you want some, let me know. I can just send it here. I've honestly got, like, half a drawer full of the stuff. Because I just, when I see somebody TK Max and they've got loads of it, I'll just buy it all and be like, well, I'll use it eventually. So if you want some, I'll send you some. I'm a mum happy too. Because they're not that big. You struggle to, you struggle with BPD. Yeah, I have bloodline design disorder. Yeah. My GP don't medicate me. My medications get and review it, hopefully tomorrow. Just because my mood's been very unstable. Like, my mood has been very unpredictable. What do you take? I take a lot of things. I have got videos on my channel where I talk about all the different medications I take. I'll cut off my head without going into detail about what I take. Maybe two more videos, but if you think this is what's good for you, that's it, cool. I enjoy what I do. I enjoy doing YouTube. I've done it. I was on YouTube since I was like 11. Like, there's some videos on here still of when I used to sing. And believe me, I can't sing. Like, if I would sing, the glass would break. I just do what I love doing. My medication, though. For medication, I take Venmapaxi and Qatayipi and Lerazapam, Plenazapam, Zopipoam, Sumitriptum, Trasadone, and there's another one that I forgot. I stopped taking besoppolo. I was taking besoppolo. I had to stop it. It was making me very, very paranoid. Also, if I'm just saying thank you to Jordan for the superchats earlier, like, that's like made me happy. Like, that's like, it's really made me really happy because, you know, I hate, do you know what's when people are like, oh, you beg for money, you beg for money, you just mind that. And it's like, people really don't have a clue about anything to do in my situation. I call student finance everyone because they're like, oh, we'll do it this week, we'll do it this week, we'll do it this week. They were supposed to pay me nearly two months ago. Yeah, I know it's a lot of money. It's just me. I know. My dream is to pay me, so they didn't, they didn't, they didn't. Well, my dream, he thinks I'll do something because what doesn't give me more, you know, I'm, as honest as I am on here, I'm even more honest in real life. I say it as it is. I don't have stuff I hide from people. Oh my god, thank, I still, like, oh my god, thank you Jordan for the superchats. I do, I really appreciate it because I don't know that, like, YouTube is kind of my income. It's like, girl, I want, what's the time in London? It's nearly 10pm. My GP needs me on medication because the hospital and the mental health team say I need it, and I agree. I can't, like, I cannot take it, I can do that, but if I do, trust me, my anger will just spiral out of control and fuck me as well, have them. What's up, hello, Serenity, how are you doing? Um, I thought I know how to kind of hang out on me. I wasn't going to do a reading to this, but I might do it as a, like, another diary entry video and just do a live stream as a casual chat, you know, like, hang out with us, you know, like, just, you know, yeah, I know a Cheshire's casual chat and renaming the stream because I'm not going to read out the paper, like, I'm still in space to read stuff tonight. Oh, wow, my things been demonetised already. That's fun. So, my videos don't get demonetised, but every time I live stream, it's like, going to demonetise you and it's like, alright, thanks for that. Like, I'm also shutting down my Patreon. Um, yeah, I'm shutting down my Patreon this week because I can't, I just can't upkeep it. And I feel so bad that I can't upkeep the level of work that it takes. What are the dots for, Tyler? I give up the men's health team. Don't give up. As crap as they can be and as horrible as they can be, just don't give up with it. Like, so, like, that's when it gets dangerous, that's when it gets scaring. Like, being thrown out with no support is worse than having terrible support. What are those self, what are those self-haspers? Um, well, my face is from when I got attacked in hospital, like, on my arm. Yeah, they are self-haspers, but like, yeah, I have scars. I'm not afraid to show that, but I don't like it. I don't have some on my neck when you're close. My face won't pick it up, but, you know, I have a lot in my life. My phone's telling me it's time to get to bed. It's so good, it's time to bed. I've been live streaming though, but I'm live streaming. It can't be worse than Florida mental health, my estates, ranked last in mental health in the U.S. I heard loads of issues with how the U.S. treat people in mental illness, actually. I heard what about one state banning all psychiatric medications. I never, like, read into that, but someone commented that, so I don't know if that's a thing, but, you know, yeah. I mean, I don't know if you can tell. I'm quite down at the moment. I've had a good day, and I love today, but honestly, I'm so exhausted with it all, because I don't even know where my bank card is at the moment. That's the level of how disorganized I am. I don't know where my bank card is, and it's like, I kind of need that. I can't really do anything without it, but at the same time, I'm just like, I can't bother to try and find it, like, what's the point? Like, you guys know I'm very pro-medication. I'm not going to tell I'm not. People don't like the fact that I promote medication and both therapy. For me, therapy has been ineffective, and that is why I didn't talk about it, because the only stories I could really tell about therapy are horror stories, and I get trolled enough. I had issues with things here. Yeah, it's because of my DPD, you know. That's like, when my GP explained it to me, she was like, well, you'll take thought erasing so fast that it's tiring your mind out more than it's tiring your body out, so you just feel mentally exhausted, even if physically you couldn't run a marathon. And I thought that was such a good explanation of what it really feels like. Like, physically, I feel like I've been around a circle mentally, um, you know, existing. I just don't know at the moment. Like, I don't know. The stream's changed from what I was going to do, so I don't know. But, yeah, I thought, oh yeah, it's still not the whole K thing. I don't know why she vanished down my life at all. Like, she's never tried to explain that to me. I get it, she doesn't want anything to do with me and wants to be friends with the rest of the crew that left. Like, oh, do you know what? Stephanie's followers are built up on people who used to follow me, so I don't know if that's about her account. My Twitter account's blasted at the moment now, but I literally had to turn notifications off of my phone about an hour ago, because it's ridiculous. Like, it's actually ridiculous because, you know, I get, oh, let me make these parameters out. I, let me do a brain thing at the moment. And let me do a brain thing. I'm sure that's what every successful person says. Give me two minutes. Yes, I have a hot water bottle. I'm in pain. Give me, like, two seconds to just grab my hair. A second? Are you still doing the hand pat thing? Yeah, of course I am. Message me on Twitter. Message me on Twitter. Um, simply because I'm not going to put my address on YouTube. Two seconds. Oh, I've got a language to get about anybody because I've always been following the run channel. I swear a lot. I'm back. I'm back. Blanky. I love using it on my back, but I can't. I'm, like, subtle. I've only got, like, the only card I have at the moment is my savings card, and I'm just like, I don't want to use it because I don't want to use it. You know? Like, I can use it because it's, I don't know, it just makes me, uh, wonder that the things, I don't even know my bank card's gone. How bad is that? I don't know where my own bank card is. Like, ask some questions. Feel free to, like, I'm using my bank card to log in to, uh, Singate, TSB account because I like to open a new bank account because my other one was so overdrawn. You and I, I draw sometimes when I'm really depressed, but apart from that, no. Uh, yeah. How long will the hand treatment until the community and, um, what's happening? Uh, do you listen to metal? I do. I do indeed. Shit, we just got a ten pound drop. Stay strong. Oh my god, thank you for the ten pound. I don't normally get super taxed, you guys, but this is new territory for me. I never get, I used to do, I used to do, like, load of streams. There's only, oh my god, thank you so much for the ten pound raw. What do you mean that you're sad? Oh my god, I'm so sorry. What are super chats? Basically, you pay to get a message on the screen and the money goes to me basically. That, that, that's it. You know, um, wow. Thank you for the super chat. I appreciate it. Community typing, super chats are donations. They do, they do help out, like a lot, right, you don't even know because it boosts up the amount of money I have on my YouTube account, which is fine, you know, that's great. Like, it just, it really does help out because in YouTube you have to have a threshold, but you have to earn $60 before you can withdraw the money and, you know, that's okay. I don't know. That was unbelievable that, like, thank you. Thank you for the super chat. I appreciate it. It's like, thank you for the super chat. Still here looking what you do to stay from. Oh my god, thank you. Oh my god, I'm going to show you the money. Oh my god. I didn't expect that. I'm going to be depressing. I'm not even entertaining. Why? Why are you doing this to me? Do you still see my messages? Yes, I do. I have to chat on my phone at the moment because I'm doing stuff. My favorite metal band, I don't know. I don't know would be my question, would be my thing. I don't know. Just don't know. Honestly, I just don't. Like, thank you for the super chat, guys. Like, oh my god. I could sit and listen to your talk for hours, really? I'm, like, so interesting though. It's like, that's 20 pound in donations. Like, you guys, like, that's more money than I have in my purse. Like, I have literally no money to my name at the moment and it sucks, but what are you going to do? Okay, only having savings costs as well. Like, it's irritating. Because like, well, I can track is like, well, the reason is because I thought you're going through, oh, no joke. Like, I do appreciate everything that everyone does to me. It does and says and it means so much. Like, putting into words, what it means. Because, like I said, I just, I'm a student, you know, I talk about my life. I don't expect anything. Like, yes, I put out my PayPal link and yes, I have an Amazon wish list that's public. You know, I don't want people to feel like they have to. So, you tried lithium a long time ago. A very long time ago. Like, it was a long time ago. It's one of the first medications I tried, actually. I tried lithium back when I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder, which obviously now, my diagnosis has changed. So, yeah. It's kind of a depression leave in the UK. I don't think so. I'm pretty sure it's unreasonable. When I come to depression, like, when I have taken my meds and I haven't yet, I, my depression does go away. It's just sucky that from now, I have to deal with, I want people to feel happy when they come to this channel. I want people to feel like they belong somewhere. You know, I want that people. Like, I built this channel up from where I was, I was really struggling. Do you have addiction problems? No. I have in the past. I used to, I used to use cocaine and like, I have. Like, I, I didn't used to use cocaine. I used it to try and kill myself. I didn't use it because I wanted to get high. I wanted it to kill me. I got hooked on to it straight away. The first time I tried it, I take them to the Philippines daily now and they do, they help my anxiety and they help keep my paranoia at a very manageable level. My main issue is really dissociation, flashbacks, paranoia and anxiety. Like, I get, I get very paranoid. I take tramadol. I wanted to pass an effect. I used to take tramadol for pay-in. I was then put on to Amitriple, which I'm allergic to. So, that's fun. Currently, I'm an anti-depressant. I take them, the vaccine, which, you know, I am going to actually have my meds now. Not because I'm recording, I think, just because I need to have them. Like, and you know what, there's no shame in taking medication, is there? Like, if you want to self-medicate, that's your choice, you know? Like, I understand why people choose to self-medicate, you know? The system's not designed to help people. The system's designed to make their jobs as easy as they can. Then the vaccine, interestingly, is kind of play-related. Yeah, I take the extended release of it. Like, I have 150 milligrams in the morning, but at night, I have my dresses in the morning. That's fine. I take it as the extended release one. And I take that. I take the case for it. I don't get it, though, because from what I've read, here's a weird thing that I've read, which is why my medication confuses me. So I take the vaccine, which is like, they can be in, you know, it's serotonin, no thanks. But I also take Trazoderm, which is another anti-depressant. Right, I take two anti-depressants, which is okay, you know? But Lydia, I'm going to go down when I need the help, you know? Go on, get me another. I can't promise amazing advice, but go for it. Is it Zoloft? No. I believe Zoloft is sertralian or citalopram. Personally, this has me bad, but older anti-depressants, I don't respond. No, sorry, the newer anti-depressants, I don't respond well to them. Like, the older ones seem to work, you know? Is that how they distribute medication? I always think America has it better. Like, I'd rather have it in a bottle, like, it'd be easier than all the fucking, than all the boxes, you know? Like, at this time, I get cold and forget it for using where I was at home. But, oh wait, I've already got some now, there we go. I've made it easier. I haven't actually had any to do this today, so I'm only going to have two. You see, I talk openly about taking medication because no one should be ashamed to take medication, you know? What is the point in shaming people for taking medication when medication helps, you know? Like, I have also have... I used to get high-end benzos back in the day. I've never understood how people manage it. I don't know how people get high on one. Like, I don't know how people put, like, how the hybrid benzodiazepines works because, you know, I use it every day. Then again, I used to use cocaine, so I think maybe my body feels being speeded up and slowed down. That's my theory on it anyway. I mean, I ain't no doctor, but I do take the meds every day. Tractadone's stuck, I get, get it obviously, and I do take the meds every day. Like, see, I'm on 15 milligram extended-release capsules. I have extended-release everything, apart from quattaya here. Quattaya, for me, I have fucking instant release, so it, like, instantly starts working. Yeah. So I take 125 quattaya, which is not that high of a dose, thankfully. I can't honestly, I cannot take a high dose of it. I can't, like, it makes me physically ill already. Like, I already can't walk, as soon as I wake up in the morning because of it. I take the Raspam, works well. Hela-paradolil, works well. Lithium. I couldn't, you know what, Hela-paradol. Someone suggested it to me back in the day, but I never agreed to it. But it's high P. See, it's, I have, when you had experiences, if I just take a 25 milligram tablet, it will, it will knock me the fuck out. If I take my full dose, 125, it does nothing. It lowers my blood pressure, and that's great, you know, because if I don't have a physical health issues, I, I'm sorry, are people going to watch this and be like, oh my god, how many drugs does this person need, and it's like, a lot. A lot. So I have a question, actually, for you guys. My turn. Me and Rebecca are meeting up on Tuesday, and I want to film a Q&A, because I think it's a good way for me to get to know Ross. If you don't know who Rebecca is, I owe him 100 million. Yeah, quit, yeah, he nearly killed me. Quit telling if he nearly killed me, from my last day of the day, because I also took all my Benzos, too, so my body just basically wanted to sleep, and that was that. So thank you to the my company and my good friends, but I'm just so glad. Benzos, they went from giving me down, really. I've never had that. I think my antidepressant levels, I am, like, I think the dose that I'm on works. I might increase the night though, if I can. But my consultant went in for that when she was doing my man. She was like, well you're on 75, fuck it, we're gonna, I'm not gonna fuck it, we're gonna double it. And I was like, but what? Jumping from 75 milligrams to 150 milligrams of it was ridiculous. Really, I have a problem. And what's the problem? I have bipolar, so I can't take antidepressant. True. They're saying that, actually, one of my friends, L, who lives in Lancashire, he doesn't like talking about it, that's why I'm being a name, but they chip, you know, on the motardine. One of my friends takes the motardine as well. My friend is bipolar, she's bipolar type one, but, um, schizophrenia, I don't know what the difference is. Honestly, I don't know if it's been a few days notice, but, um, she was on the tazepine, climazepam, lithium, heliparadol, and she had a retroconvulsor therapy when she was in hospital, when she was in hospital together. So I met her. Um, my friend who takes the motardine, she has bipolar type two, and she takes that with the lazepam. And one of my other friends is in a long-term facility, co-ordered, um, she's on section 37 at the moment, and she, she has a short period. I've had my prescription of lazepam since February. I'm on repeat for it. Um, climazepam, I'm on repeat for it. Um, yeah. Is there anything you can recommend to sleep? I've got, you know what? My zoppy clover, I take zoppy clover at this moment, right? I take zoppy clover at the moment. It doesn't do anything. So I try taking the tracodil again. It does not burn. So at the moment, I guess I'll have to get rid of you tomorrow. Um, zoppy clover, I've been on for two years nearly. So it does kind of make sense. It's stopping working for me because you're only supposed to be on it for like four to something weeks. Um, yeah. All right, like the climazepam that I take, it is effective. I've only taken like the half dose because if I have the full dose of my climazepam now, I will just be knocked out live. Um, no one is to do that. I've only got three tablets of zoppy clover. I love what I'm saying. It doesn't work, but I'm literally still taking it because I'm hopeful. I want sleep. You know, medication is something that, I know lithium helps a lot of people though. I feel terrible with blood. I don't know how. On a very low dose, on a 25 milligram dose, it's amazing for anxiety. On a 15 milligram dose, it's amazing for sleep. 125, I don't, I don't know. When I have 125, I'm just like this. And then I'll have the 25 of a 25 PRM, which I take in the morning because it's just falling down. I could fall asleep better in the morning than I could at the night. Right. I don't know why. The last few nights I've been sleeping, I've been awake until like three, four in the morning and then going to sleep. Which is great, but not when you have union nine a.m. Oh, someone's telling me to go and follow a religion. No, I don't want it. I can't believe we've had so much stigma about taking medication. There is. That's why, like, it's why I talk so open about it. I'm just like, I'm not afraid to say that I take it. I don't care. Like what's the worst that's gonna come from me talking about medication? Like, I put, sorry, I know you can't, like, I need to lie down. My back's kind of hurting a lot. Give me a moment. There we go. I'll hold you for now. To a point somewhere it worked and then beyond that, it just didn't. And I'm not going to be here promoting something that I don't believe in. Like, yes, I know therapy works for some people, but I talk on my channel about my own life. Like, I talk about what I've experienced, what's helped me and therapy's not on that list. On that list, you'll find flipping medication and anything like that, you'll find them there. But, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know. Like, I talk about, like, my experience with medication. I've got a whole series called psych meds. And it's literally got, like, I do a video on every medication I take, and I talk about it given a lot of people don't like that series. But people hate me. I'm used to being hated. So, I guess when you reach a point, we're like, well, they everyone hates me anyway. What's the worst they can say? It's like, say now. I do want to say one of my biggest inspirations for my YouTube channel is Amy's life. And she's like a chronic health YouTuber. Like, she talks about her chronic health conditions, which is gastroparesis and other things. And she's so educational and so insightful that she just vlogs it for what it is. And that's like what I wanted to do when I come to the mental health. I wanted to break down that barrier and be like, you know, look, this is what it is. This is, you know, this is how it works. And, you know, if I can do that in, like, a video or, you know, have Amy's life is great, I literally love her channel. I watch every video. I see every video too. Like, I genuinely love her channel. Like, she's a huge inspiration for me and why do? Like, she just is. Do you have a job? No. I'm a full-time uni student and I get paid by YouTube. I'm making a thumbnail for this at the moment. Sorry if I seem distracted. That would be why. Because I'm not used to using this thing. How do I make it invisible? Ah, there we go. Opinions on plumber from the end. Um, I don't know which one that is. I don't know what the UK brand is that has. There's someone hand me out there. I'll answer. But yeah, no, I, that's the issue with, like, the world. No one knows, like, what any of them are. Because the UK doesn't use, like, the main brand that uses just, I don't know. My brain's spying. Sorry, I'm just making a thumbnail. I got distracted a bit there. Sorry. I'm also working on, like, there's the video that I did where it's like, I dissociate massively. But I don't have an outro to it. So I'm just like, into a video. Because I just get up and walk off. Are you Russian? No. I don't think you're talking to me, but no. Distractions are good, though. Definitely. YouTube is one of my biggest distractions. I would be lost without my YouTube. I do rely on it. It does get me through days. Especially the bad ones. The real Rebecca. Hello, Becca. Hello. Hi. I'm long in bed. And I'm editing a video. The issue with this video is, I dissociate and there's no outro, so I'm just like, what do I do with it? I have, like, five YouTube channels now. Really? Why? Why so many? I can hardly manage one. Like, I couldn't do more than that. I used to try. There'd be a lot she needs to do good for dissociation. It's used to deglassation. Very reducing. I'll just see what, I'll see what my team's saying. I'm seeing them tomorrow. So. Oh, I know. I was asking you guys if, like, to go and leave questions on my newest video, which is the internet run, the one I did with Rebecca, could you please go leave some questions for us to answer when we get up on Tuesday? And I just think it'll be fun. You can also credit me questions over on Twitter on that photo of me and her. I think, you know, I think, like, through the Q&A tab, there will be so much fun. I haven't done a Q&A in ages. And I just kind of want to get this channel back to what it used to be and just her here, the things that, I think it's the same as me. Yeah, no, her last name is just mine. What's that saying? I like the colour of your hair. Oh, I'm in the process of going from this to, like, purple. Like, you'll be, you can probably see some of the purple starting to come through now. Because I'm not bleaching it, it's going to take a while. You know that channel? I don't know what channel you're in. You look happier than yourself, do you? I mean, I haven't emptied my mind of a lot of negative things the last few days. Like I said, I would love it if you guys could leave some Q&A questions like for me and Bekka on the most recent thing. Me and Bekka had so much fun today. And yeah, it was like, yeah, if you like could leave a comment or a question on that video, it would mean a lot to me and Bekka. Because, you know, we, I'm trying to convince her to join YouTube, but I need to prove that YouTube's not all like drama. But it's not. It's really not. And I know like I'm like the worst person, the worst example of this, but YouTube is so not about drama. Like the community we have is, but it's a community, I'll give it that. But I find it so helpful. My laptop's gonna die. I do appreciate it, but I do actually appreciate it. Sorry if I seem hot out of it right now. Sorry about that. You can see scars. Sorry. Yeah, sorry. I didn't mean for the old scars to show them. Okay, that looks okay. Also, is that my money job? It's empty. How great. I don't know how much longer I'm going to stream for, to be honest with you. I'm very tired. I'm very tired. I actually think I might be able to sleep tonight too, which is good. I haven't slept that much. I also feel bad ending. What's offensive? Currently, I sound possessed. Cool. I'm possessed now. Then someone's like Lydia DM me. I'm just like, why? Like, I'm so over cautious. Who are you? I answer messages too. And what I talk, who I talk to, I'm so afraid of stuff getting out and I hate it. I hate living life like this. I hate living life. I have to protect myself from everything and everyone, but I do. And it fucking sucks. Guys, is it? Switch my camera. If you call me on Twitter, can you go on to this tweet of me and Becca and leave us a comment and then hit the like button? Why not? Give us some questions to answer in our newest video. Well, in our next video together. Because, you know, we want BPD community, right? I'm not saying all of you have got BPD, but I know a lot of people on my channel do have BPD. We're like a family and I want to launch, I know, I want to make like merch, but I wanted to say like BPD fan, but I want to have like the BPD part as optional because I know not everyone has BPD. But we include everyone with BPD. I want like BPD fan to be like on the collar, on the in, like, you know what I mean? Like, I want to have BPD fan written on it because I just think like we are a family. Whether we have BPD as a whole or as a group of people, like I think this channel as a whole, we're like a family and yeah, I have BPD, but you know what? I'm going to own it. Like, fuck it. Like, everyone's like, I don't want to be diagnosed with this. Oh my god, it's the end of my life and it hasn't been in my life for many times. So let's take it and shove it back in the faces and be like, well, we're a family and we're here to help each other. You know, that's what this channel's about, helping each other build a community. It's not anything malicious. It's not done for anything other than that. It's part of the entertainment factor of my life being a constant flop. Yeah, so I'm planning, I am planning and working on getting some hoodie years, like custom hoodie years, t-shirts, you know, phone cases, popsockets. We all know I need like popsockets on there, because I broke one. I'm also looking at fake tattooers that you can get and I'm looking at getting, I'm giving away the spoilers here, but I'm planning on totally relaunching my Etsy store and I'm excited about that. I feel like my head is just hurting. But yeah, if you go to that tweet on my page and basically do what it says, give us a good old question, be appreciated. As you know, will I answer in questions? Me and Becca had a laugh today and it was so much fun and like I said, she's been so supportive for everything this year. Like, damn, I didn't know this girl and she literally came up and brought me my stuff and bought it to me in a hospital. She didn't know who I was. She didn't know anything about it, but she's on Twitter and she's watching rescue mode. Like, I'd buy which I could do that for someone and why do people keep saying I'm possessed? Which which do you mean? That bit, you know, I sell arms when I'm in hospital. I can't pretend that I didn't, but it is safe. It is clean and I am taking care of it myself and the home treatment team are regularly checking, obviously, to make sure I haven't done anything else. The mark on my face is going there, that's good news. But you know, my arms are covered in scarves and fewer extra to add to the collection, I guess. Sorry, I'm making light of a situation. That's high-top. But yeah, I've got videos that I want to release, but I don't want to upload too much because people don't want to subscribe to you if you're just like uploading every 10 minutes, but I enjoy making videos. The last few days I've managed to get out like five, six videos and you know, it's quite a lot of videos to get out. And I'm like seven subscribers away from hitting 4.6K on YouTube, which is, that's beyond insane, like, more visible. I love making videos, but I also, I think it's, I know the home treatment team keep up the good work, took me the last one for my arms. So they're doing the job. Thank you, I do appreciate that. I, if I'm out and about, I wear a jacket. So I don't walk around like streets with it on show, unless it's roasting or if I'm on the London Underground, because you know what, I'm not melting for no one. And it's not like they're fresh or anything. Like they're new, but they're not like fresh puts that just, they are just scarring. So, you know, but like, I don't know. I'm just not, I made a video actually a few days ago talking about self harm, actually. And the video was no shaving scars. And basically, I, you know, I have scars. Okay, cool. Yes, some people might be triggered, but you know, things, what else is your channel about? I do, I would do diary entries, I do vlogs, I meet with friends, I do challenges, I do tag videos, and I talk about mental health and record my life. I'm just going to start doing my hair dye. Well, I've been filming like this transition colour. It's purple. Like I'm making a video of that. And I'm planning on doing some journaling videos. Like I'm going to, all the series that are on my channel are all staying, but they're getting changed a little bit. And it's so exciting. I've got all the plans worked out. Thank you to Manick me last week. Thank you. I do appreciate the support you know, like all the support you give me, I appreciate so much. And I know like every person, every YouTuber ever says that, but I do actually mean it. If I didn't, I would not be like in bed half asleep holding my phone, talking to you guys. And I literally could fall asleep. Like, I wouldn't record some of my most vulnerable moments. I wouldn't do that if I didn't care. When I started the channel, my aim was to help say, I just wanted to help people. Then I got people commenting, oh, your channels really helped me. And I've actually got a folder on my USB of every single person who has said that and their comment. I don't know why I got it all, but it's just me and so much. I don't know why, but it lifts my mood. I don't pretend I'm big, some big YouTuber. I don't plan to become some big YouTuber. I make videos, so I enjoy it. Oh, also I'm subscribing to YouTube. If there's any videos anyone would like me to make, at all, like why I've got the energy to, let me know, because I've got a lot of motivation right now. So tomorrow afternoon, I'll be like, I'm filming. I'm doing a day in the life video again tomorrow. So that's fun. You know, we all live a day in the life. I'm an idiot. It's about uni. I'm going to be filming my entire uni day. I'm showing how boring doing philosophy and film really is. You are helping people. Oh, thank you. I'm just going to enjoy it and pop it and save it to my folder later. And I'm so tired. I'm going to have to go because my arm is in physical pain from holding on my camera, camera phone, but it's been great talk with you guys tonight. And if you haven't already, check out my last video. And I've said questions, questions, questions, asked some juicy questions for me and Becca, maybe even give off some dares. You never know. We might do it. If you leave comments on my last video, which is the internet friend one, leave some truth or dares, leave some questions, let's get juicy. Let's take this channel to the next level and give a big old fuck you to trolley and because you know, that's what I'm about. Anyway, I'm going to go. I sound like I'm drunk. So that's the sign to stop. Okay. Bye, guys. And thank you for the super chat. She laughed like insane. Absolutely insane. Good night, everybody. I hope you all managed to get some sleep, even if it's just an hour. Bye.