 Hey beautiful people, I am looking forward to answering one of the most asked questions tonight which is how I actually knew I was ready to amputate my leg because this was not a medically urgent thing as in I wasn't going to die from an infection if I didn't have it done immediately but it wasn't an emotionally urgent thing that I do something about the pain that I was in so I'm going to be answering that question in today's video but earlier today, Brian and I went up to the forest to visit our puppies who are going to be coming home so soon for those of you who don't know in addition to the three rats and the two cats and the hamster I have we also have three dogs Sadie, Monkey and Sophie they're amazing and they've been spending weeks at my parents house as they recover from amputation because they jump on me and I'm trying to take care of them when I'm home alone they've hurt my leg before and so they've been spending time up there so we got to visit them today and I know from your comments that you love puppy footage and so I'm gonna share that with you and also this what you're about to see is actually the meadow that I fell off Georgia the horse in. I was riding when I was 13 as you guys know and had the horseback riding accident that was the initial injury that ended me in having to choose amputation and so what you are seeing right now it's now covered in houses it didn't used to be it used to be this gorgeous wide open field that just spread for miles and miles and now it's just turning into real estate which hey that's how development works right but this is actually where it all happened and as we're headed back from the puppies I will show you the barn where I used to ride as we drive by anyways where where I learned to ride and where was riding when this happened I'm gonna film the initial puppy attack you're about to see we haven't seen our puppies in about a week you go for it oh my gosh it's the code oh I like that color I feel like a classy hobo maybe she remembers some of her old tricks oh my god so we are just coming up on the barn where I was riding Georgia the horse that I fell off of by no fault of this barn maybe I'll actually go visit it someday on camera if you guys are interested in but this is actually where it all happened I worked here for many years of my childhood and knew all the horses worked with all of them so that's where it all began so the question that people ask me all the time how did I know when I was ready to actually take the plunge and choose amputation and more specifically I got a message earlier this week from a viewer directly on Facebook asking me he's an unfortunately similar situation to what I was in where he's in pain all the time there are no good medical options left he's really thinking about amputation people kind of think he's crazy and he asked me you know what he should do or what my thought process was and so I'm gonna address it from from that kind of an angle and I would never advise anybody on what to do it's their life so I'm just gonna tell you my story and how I actually knew it was time to make this choice my actual decision process started back in January and I had my amputation in October so I had about 10 minutes to mull this over and make this decision I started watching a lot of YouTube videos of below the new beauties and like what life would look like with that and I like spent my time doing this and like clinging on to hope and I started realizing that I was feeling excitement and hope when I thought about what the future could hold without my leg and let me just pause right there and say that that's not a normal thing to feel if you are an able-bodied person it's probably insane to think that anyone could feel excited about the future without a leg and I thought it was insane to feel that way too and I actually talked to my counselor for weeks about it to like work through my mindset work through what I was feeling to make sure that I wasn't losing my mind and let me just say that if anyone is finding hope or tiny little nuggets of excitement for the future in removing a major part of their body for me that was indication that I was ready to make this call when I pictured like the two different futures one being more surgeries that probably weren't gonna work but could buy me some more time or just cutting to the chase of what was gonna happen anyways biting the bullet and having my leg amputated this one felt like darkness and more depression and more anger and just I felt gross when I thought about this an option B which was going forward with an amputation which was terrifying don't get me wrong filled me with bits of hope and tiny little nuggets of excitement and that felt so abnormal but I couldn't deny that that is what I felt and I tried to deny it I tried to like schedule the other surgery I tried to move forward with that but I couldn't and I just hit the wall where I was like I know in my heart what is right I know what I want I know what I need and it is not suffering with a part of my body that is dying anymore it needs to go I know that it doesn't make sense to a lot of people who have not lived in chronic pain but if you dealt with chronic pain I know that you know that you would do just about anything to get rid of something that hurts all the time that you can't help and I deal with chronic pain that can't go away in the same accident that I injured my ankle and I also injured my neck and I have chronic pain in my neck that I have dealt with for the same amount of years I can't amputate my neck and stay alive I'm gonna be dealing with that end of story and there isn't currently hope for a solution with that there is hope for a solution with my ankle and so I took that hope for a solution and so the best piece of advice that I could give to anyone wondering if they are ready to amputate is A obviously make sure that like you've done all your research and that you've like talked to medical professionals and I would honestly really recommend talking to a therapist or counselor and other amputees like ask questions but if you are finding hope in that future after sitting with it for a while after thinking about it for a while and that still sounds like a good thing like we're not biologically programmed to want to let go off our limbs and so for me that was the moment I was kind of like wow I really know that I am ready for this because there's no way I could want this I would want this any other way because I know I'm not crazy I know I'm not mentally unstable like that and so I know it's time and I was able to talk to a doctor who completely agreed with me that it was time and we went ahead and did it and so that was my thought process kind of going into this elective amputation I still hate the word elective I'll do a whole video on elective amputation if you guys are interested I'm just really what that is but it's not like I wanted it it's not like I was like hey this sounds like a great idea it's like this was going to happen one way or another eventually and I'm young healthy light the situation was guy good health care insurance you know so that the stars were aligned where it can make sense now I was in pain all the time I would like to keep my leg but we don't live in a world where that could realistically happen and I could live the life I want to live so I made a decision to have an elective amputation so that's kind of how my thought process went into making this call also I know that there are people who are gonna comment on this and call me crazy and stupid and dumb and that's okay I totally respect your opinion and we live in a country and a world where you are allowed to have an opinion and good for you but I know that I'm not crazy I know that my decision wasn't stupid I'm still glad I made it even though it's very painful even though it's emotionally exhausting and difficult but it's cool I'm glad I got to make it and I'm glad I'm almost ready and I'm so freaking glad that you guys are with me you have made this fun and exciting and have given me something to look forward to even more every day so you guys rock thank you so much I love all your messages and all your comments so I would love it if you kept them coming and I can't wait to read them and reply to you as many as I can it'll talk to you day soon bye