 Let's go ahead and do Cletus the Clown. Yay-haw! Oh, oh no. Oh, yay-haw. Oh no, I love it. Okay. So why don't you tell me a little bit about Cletus the Clown. Tell me sort of like his personality appearance and everything that's going on with him. Okay, so I am only about a quarter through the reading I want to do to finalize the character because I'm trying to go through all of Herman Fullers and you know how that's going to be. Oh no, in our campaign I'm currently like trying to wrap up our Herman Fuller arc. So yeah, it's long. I try to read as much as I can, but I sort of just accepted that I can't do it all. Well, at this point you might know a little more than me then, so feel free to chime in if something I'm saying doesn't sound right. I might have more of my own headcanon than you. That might be about it though. So for me, Cletus is a crotchety old clown when he deals with Herman Fuller's people because it's in the camp. He's a lot more heart of gold and when he's dealing with any other faction, he's a little more suspicious. The two other named clowns that I know, Eugene and Pius. Eugene and Pius got stuck in the Ikea before in the tale. Your call is very important to us. The two of them got stuck here with their transdimensional clown car and normally they would get out by using their kaleidoscope keys that open a door to another universe in whatever door you use, but that particular time they were in the Ikea, they couldn't find a single door, not to a staff room or a rest room or anything, just not even a door. So they were under attack and they had to use their keys on the door of the car, meaning they had to leave the car behind to escape. Not exactly the same situation for me in this case. Cool, so Cletus the Clown. You are a clown at Herman Fuller's Circus of the Disquieting. You have several clown friends and other circus performers at said circus and you do your best to sort of protect each other from day to day and try to not get too involved with other organizations like SCP and falling into any sort of traps that they might have. But when you arrive at a new town, as your circus tends to do being a traveling circus popping up from town to town, you are brought near by a Ikea store and while you are at the circus here, you overhear two of your clown buddies, Eugene and Pius, talking about oh man, they have the best, the best meatballs, but I'd never go back there again, that was hell. They really were good, right, but not worth it. So you're walking up to them here in tales of these magnificent meatballs that you can get at Ikea. Just how good are these meatballs? How good are we talking? I mean, on a scale of one to delicious, at least, at least a 9.5. I mean, unless you went to actual Sweden and got some actual authentic Ikea meatballs, I feel like that'd probably be a 10. What do you think Eugene? Yeah, I think I agree with that. That sounds about right, 9.5, maybe a 9.6 even. And I tell you what, if we're talking about getting meatballs in there as good as you say they are and I don't have to deal with those creepy blonde hair blue-eyed Swedes, I'm going to the Ikea instead. Oh, uh, this is not a good one. Let's wait until we get to a different Ikea. This one, we had a pretty bad experience at. It's sort of infinite. Yeah, like infinite, like infinitely long. Like you will probably get lost. We were lucky to get out of there. We're clowns in a traveling circus with magic and monsters. And that's the craziest thing y'all have ever said. I mean, there's like actual magic here too. I mean, yeah, infinite is, it's pretty infinite, huh? Yeah, infinite is infinite. For sure. I'll just nip right in and out. But those meatballs though, man. Almost worth it, probably not. I'll be back in a jiff. I'm going to get me some snacks. All right, enjoy. I'm sure it's like some popcorn or something. Definitely not some meatballs, right? Right, right. Definitely not some meatballs. Wink. Why did he wink? That seems like a pretty bad wink. So, Cleetus the Clown starts marching off. He hops onto his like clown bike and starts pedaling off towards the nearby Ikea store. The bike doesn't like have any pedals or anything. He's just like miming the pedaling, but it's still moving. Whoosh. Whoosh. So you start pedaling up to the Ikea here. And as you are getting closer and closer, you are stopped by some individuals who are dressed in like some security detail garb. They're just like, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. No, you can't. Go on back to the circus. The Ikea's closed. It's under under construction. Under construction, you say? Yeah. Can't you see all the, well, I guess the scaffolding just got brought down yesterday. But yeah, no, it's it's under construction. Go ahead and head on back. What is it that they use? What is it that blown lady said at that last Walmart? Oh, let me talk to your manager. I want to manipulate him into going to his manager. And therefore being out of my eyesight long enough for me to sneak by. Okay, go ahead and roll to manipulate a person. Add your charm to that. All right. I just rolled a 13 to manipulate. Oh, goodness. Yeah, he's manipulated. I think that he's dealt with one too many Karen's in his time. So he's just like, you know, I'm not, I'm not in a mood to deal with it today. So he just turns around and starts marching to get the supervisor and tells the other guy who walked up there with him. There are two guards there. He tells him to just stay and watch over you. And he walks off towards a small like trailer building that's off to the side to go get somebody. So now I'm dealing with one guard instead of two. If you're a magical clown, or I guess your clown might know some magic tricks or maybe picked up some magic tricks from somebody. I imagine like maybe they'll sniff the flower trick, but it has some sleeping gas in it or something. What would you do to get by him, maybe? Well, I'm looking at my, I'm looking at my sharp and my sharp is zero. So I'm not the cleverest at reading the situation. So I was, I, were I a smarter man? I were a smarter clown. I would probably see if there's anybody else in between me and the door before I make my move. But since I'm not going to do that. I am going to reach into my clown pants and see what I pull out to deal with this singular guard. And based on just the random idea I pull out here, I was going to go with the joke frying pan. Okay, joke frying pan. Yeah, so he's, he like turns as the other guy walks off to go check up on his manager and go get someone to come over. And as he's turning back around, just immediately boom right on his forehead. And I think since your last role was a 13, we'll just lump it into this. You do well. He's knocked out. And as you look up to see if there is anyone in between you and the store, open field. Pedal to the not metal. You violently start pedaling the air as you sit back on top of your bike and you zoom zoom zoom towards the store. You throw up in the first door that you can find and do you bring your bike with you? Or do you like tie it up with a invisible like bike lock or something? You just gave me an idea to look at real quick because I'm thinking IKEA's have automatic doors. That is a sliding glass door. And so what I, the action scene I just imagined is that I after I bong this guy, the pedaling is like Scooby-Doo in the air. And I'm going straight in the doors, which are going to open. But because I am going too fast, my handlebars get stuck on either side of the door. And I am jettisoned off of my bike into the store. Yep. That's exactly what happens. Yeah! Cleetus goes flying into the store. You do sort of like a face plant into the ground and you peel your face up off of the ground and look up around you. And you see that you are in IKEA. You have just plopped yourself into a wondrous scene. There are aisles and rows and rows upon different furniture throughout this area, but you don't see any meatballs just yet. You'll have to look around for them a little bit. But there's so much different furniture here. And I don't know that being at the circus, you get to see too much furniture all that often having to be super mobile. So a lot of this stuff may look fairly new to you. You've probably not seen a kitchen set in a long time or maybe ever since joining the circus. But yeah, what does Cleetus do here? I would like to see if there is a map. Normally in the front door, there are maps. They have a nice little IKEA stand that says, alright, you are here. That's fair. And I will tell you now that my intention is, if there is a map, I am going to read that map upside down and comically walk the entirely wrong direction. Yeah, let's just do that. So you are able to find a little kiosk area that is nearby the door. You grab a map and it unfolds. And as you start to unfold it, it keeps unfolding. But you see a little star of where you're at. And you could see there's a section that says, meatballs, question mark on the map. So you could start walking in that direction. But as you unfold the map, it's sort of as you unfold it each time keeps unfolding. And you can unfold it more and more. I didn't even think that there would be an infinite map. That's hilarious. Cleetus squints at the wingspan length map that he has unfolded. And he's just holding it above his head at a 45 degree angle like where the meatballs. There's no like north, south, east, west compass rose or anything on this. You can sort of just see like generally you're here and meatballs might be that way. Oh my God, this is Ikea. There aren't even words on this map. Everything's written in that strange Swedish gibberish. So I'm just sitting here with my nose wearing this map like a mask, moving my head around trying to find up or down. So yeah, you're you're walking through here and you eventually just sort of try to look up from the map and then you turn back around and I don't think that was where you came from. Or did you come from the other way? Well, now you're thoroughly lost. Cleetus takes his takes the map in his hands, looks around, realizes the door is gone, realizes that he has no idea how far he has walked and crumbles up the map angrily. Ah, conflarn it. Dang it. And then he opens up his clown senses. I'm going to try I'm going to try and sniff for meatballs and again try to do a Scooby-Doo and maybe start floating the right direction. Can I smell meatballs? Yeah, roll plus weird. That's definitely a plus weird one, I feel like. All right, we are rolling weird. That is a 12 to roll meatballs smelling. Goodness. Okay. Yeah, you're able to sort of like you were pretty lost before and by following the map you had gotten turned around and didn't know exactly where you were going. But you are able to sort of key in like a compass pointing north in the direction of where the nearest meatballs are. So you start walking through the different, what I guess sets of furniture like the kitchen area and through the bedding area until you reach a door that you're able to open and it opens up into the warehouse section of the infinite Ikea. And as you step into here, your meatballs sensor sort of points in multiple directions. You could try to go whichever way you want to try to go and find some meatballs for yourself. There's off like a front right, we'll say, is the strongest sense you get. So you start heading off in that direction. So you're trucking along as you are heading towards the nearest meatballs that you can find. You're not able to get a good sense of how far away they are necessarily, but you have a good read on a general direction you need to head to get to the nearest one. And you walk and walk and walk and it starts to get sort of late in the day and eventually the lights that are here at the very top of the ceiling that is extremely high. It's a very high voltage ceiling. The lights that are dangling from them turn off. The area around you is now illuminated with just a dull red glow from some security lights. As you are continuing along, you keep trekking on for a while and eventually you hear a voice behind you of what you assume is probably like an Ikea worker say, The store is now closed. Please exit the building. I'm gonna wheel around and I'm gonna start to say, now look I came here to get some meatballs and y'all shouldn't have put them so far away and I'm not leaving until I get my what the hell. The figure starting towards you is oddly short. They are about like two feet tall, but what you know of the Ikea stores in general, you know that their theme is yellow and blue. You see that this figure is humanoid in shape wearing a yellow and blue pinstriped shirt with some blue pants as well. But they are not exactly human. They don't have a face or any discernible features. The skin that wraps around it is not even skin. It sort of just appears to be a shriveled dull fabric perhaps. There is no hair that covers this creature either and it continues walking towards you at what would be a quick pace, but since its legs are quite short from being about two feet tall, is slightly slower than your speed walking pace. It again says, the store is now closed. Please exit the building. Well, you're a weird little mjigger, aren't you? Do you know where I can get some meatballs? It reaches its hands out towards you and tries to grab onto you and again says, the store is now closed. Please exit the building. Alright, so I feel like at this point if it's trying to, I have now foolishly let it get close enough because I do not have any fear or idea of what's going on. I feel like what I have to do now is roll against a grapple. Okay, this would then be an act under pressure to escape the grasp. Alright, so, and that is my negative one, so I do not act under pressure. Let's roll. There's my bad roll of the day. I got a five to escape. Okay, yeah, so this creature that has now walked up upon you grabs onto your arm and begins to squeeze tightly, but it grabbed onto, let's say that you're a clown, you have a goofy fake arm that you were holding out in front of you somewhat cautiously. It grabs onto it and yanks and it then lashes out at you. Take one point of harm and you now realize that this thing is, whatever it is, pretty hostile towards you. Ah, a wise guy, huh? Alright. Alright, so now it's time to kick some ass. Alright, how are you kicking ass on him? I'm gonna do round two. Let's get the big old frying pan out and see how effective that is. Alright, go for it. Alright, gonna roll some dice and I got a nine to bonk him on the noggin. Okay, so you're able to bonk it and as you hit it, it scratches at you again, take another point of harm, but you are able to pretty effectively just bonk it and it falls to the ground motionless. And you hear off in the distance footsteps approaching towards you and through the dim light you're able to see that another Ikea employee is approaching you, but it seems to be quite a bit taller than the last one. It's not two feet, but sort of in the opposite direction of height, it is closer to eight. And it's heading in your direction after hearing the loud bonk from your frying pan. Well, you're gonna have to excuse me. I left my grandmother in the oven. Bye! And I'm going to flee. Okay, yeah. You go ahead and run in the opposite direction. The other one that was chasing after you sort of stops to inspect the body of the two foot tall one and you're able to lose it in between the different shelves. You're continuing to run generally in the direction of where you smelled the meatballs previously, but you sort of lost focus and now you got a little bit turned around and you see nearby a flare is shot into the air. You take a big whiff of air and smell that there's some meatballs in that direction and cleat us the clown heads off towards the flare. Indeed.