 Through the Looking-Glass, by Lewis Carroll, read by Adrian Predsellus. Through the Looking-Glass, by Lewis Carroll, Chapter 6, Humpty Dumpty. However, the egg only got larger and larger, and more and more human. When she had come within a few yards of it, she saw that it had eyes and a nose and a mouth, and when she had come close to it, she saw clearly that it was Humpty Dumpty himself. "'It can't be anybody else,' she said to herself. "'I'm as certain of it as if his name were written all over his face. It might have been written a hundred times easily on that enormous face.' Humpty Dumpty was sitting with his legs crossed like a turk on the top of a high wall. Such a narrow one that Alice quite wondered how he could keep his balance, and as his eyes were steadily fixed in the opposite direction, and he didn't take the least notice of her, she thought he must be a stuffed figure after all. "'And how exactly like an egg he is,' she said aloud, standing with her hands ready to catch him, for she was every moment expecting him to fall. "'It's very provoking,' Humpty Dumpty said, after a long silence, looking away from Alice as he spoke. "'To be called an egg, very.' "'I said you looked like an egg, sir,' Alice gently explained. "'And some eggs are very pretty, you know,' she added, hoping to turn her remark into a sort of a compliment. "'Some people,' said Humpty Dumpty, looking away from her as usual, have no more sense than a baby. Alice didn't know what to say to this. It wasn't at all like conversation,' she thought, as he never said anything to her. In fact, his last remark was evidently addressed to a tree. So she stood and softly repeated to herself, "'Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall. Humpty Dumpty had a great fall. All the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't put Humpty Dumpty in his place again.' That last line is much too long for the poetry,' she added, almost out loud, forgetting that Humpty Dumpty could hear her. "'Don't stand there chattering to yourself like that,' Humpty Dumpty said, looking at her for the first time. "'But tell me your name and your business.' "'My name is Alice, but—' "'Oh, it's a stupid enough name,' Humpty Dumpty interrupted impatiently. "'What does it mean?' "'Must a name mean something?' Alice asked doubtfully. "'Of course it must,' Humpty Dumpty said, with a short laugh. "'My name means the shape I am, and a good handsome shape it is, too. With a name like yours you might be in his shape, almost.' "'Why do you sit out here all alone?' said Alice, not wishing to begin an argument. "'Why, because there's nobody with me,' cried Humpty Dumpty. "'Do you think I didn't know the answer to that? Ask another.' "'Don't you think you'd be safer on the ground?' Alice went on, not with any idea of making another riddle, but simply in her good-natured anxiety for the queer creature. "'That wall is so very narrow.' "'What tremendously easy riddle as you ask,' Humpty Dumpty growled out. "'Of course I don't think so. Why, if ever I did fall off, which there's no chance of, but if I did?' Here he pursed his lips, and looked so solemn and grand that Alice could hardly help laughing. "'If I did fall,' he went on, the king has promised me, with his very own mouth, to, to, to send all his horses and all his men,' Alice interrupted, rather unwisely. "'Now, I declare, that's too bad,' Humpty Dumpty cried, breaking into a sudden passion. "'You've been listening at doors and behind trees and down chimneys, or you couldn't have known it.' "'I haven't indeed,' Alice said very gently. "'It's in a book.' "'Ah, well, they may write such things in our book,' Humpty Dumpty said in a calm atone. "'That's what you call a history of England, that is. Now, take a good look at me. I am one that has spoken to a king. I am. May happy all never see such another. And to show you I'm not proud? You may shake hands with me.' And he grinned almost from ear to ear as he lent forwards, and as nearly as possible fell off the wall in doing so, and offered Alice his hand. She watched him a little anxiously as she took it. If he smiled much more, the ends of his mouth might meet behind,' she thought. And then I don't know what would happen to his head. I'm afraid it would come off. "'Yes, all his horses and all his men,' Humpty Dumpty went on, "'they'd picked me up again in a minute, they would. However, this conversation is going a little too fast. Let's go back to the last remark, but one.' "'I'm afraid I can't quite remember it,' Alice said very politely. "'In that case we start afresh,' said Humpty Dumpty. "'And it's my turn to choose a subject.' He talks about it just as if it was a game,' thought Alice. "'So here's a question for you. How old did you say you were?' Alice made a short calculation and said, "'Seven years and six months.' "'Wrong,' Humpty Dumpty exclaimed triumphantly. "'You never said a word like it. I thought you meant how old are you?' Alice explained. "'If I'd meant that, I'd have said it,' said Humpty Dumpty. Alice didn't want to begin another argument, so she said nothing. "'Seven years and six months,' Humpty Dumpty repeated thoughtfully. An uncomfortable sort of age. Now, if you'd asked my advice, I'd have said leave off at seven. But it's too late now.' "'I never ask advice about growing,' Alice said indignantly. "'Too proud,' the other inquired. Alice felt even more indignant at this suggestion. "'I mean,' she said, that one can't help growing older.' "'One can't,' perhaps said Humpty Dumpty, but two can. "'With proper assistance you might have left off at seven.' "'What a beautiful belt you've got on,' Alice suddenly remarked. They had had quite enough of the subject of age, she thought, and if they really were to take turns in choosing subjects, it was her turn now. At least,' she corrected herself on second thoughts, "'a beautiful cravat, I should have said. No, a belt. I mean, I beg or pardon,' she added in dismay, for Humpty Dumpty looked thoroughly offended, and she began to wish she hadn't chosen that subject. If I only knew,' she thought to herself, which was neck and which was waist.' Evidently Humpty Dumpty was very angry, though he said nothing for a minute or two. When he did speak again it was in a deep growl. "'It is a most provoking thing,' he said at last, when a person doesn't know a cravat from a belt. "'I know it's very ignorant of me,' Alice said, in so humble a tone that Humpty Dumpty relented. "'It's a cravat, child, and a beautiful one, as you say. It's a person from the White King and Queen, there now.' "'Is it really?' said Alice, quite pleased to find that she had chosen a good subject after all. "'They gave it to me,' Humpty Dumpty continued thoughtfully, as he crossed one knee over the other and clasped his hands around it. "'They gave it to me for an unbirthday present.' "'I beg your pardon,' Alice said, with a puzzled air. "'I'm not offended,' said Humpty Dumpty. "'I mean, what is an unbirthday present?' "'A present given when it isn't your birthday, of course.' "'Alice considered a little. I like birthday-presence best,' she said at last. "'I don't know what you're talking about,' cried Humpty Dumpty. "'How many days are there a year?' "'365,' said Alice. "'And how many birthdays have you?' "'One. "'And if you take one from 365, what remains?' "'364, of course.' Humpty Dumpty looked a doubtful. "'I'd rather see that done on paper,' he said. Alice couldn't help smiling, as she took out her memorandum book and worked the sum for him. 365 minus one leaves 364.' Humpty Dumpty took the book and looked at it carefully. "'That seems to be done right,' he began. "'You're holding it upside down,' Alice interrupted. "'To be sure I was,' Humpty Dumpty said gaily as she turned it around for him. I thought it looked a little queer. As I was saying, that seems to be done right, though I have a time to look over it thoroughly just now, and that shows that there are 364 days when you might get un-birthday-presence.' "'Certainly,' said Alice. "'And only one for birthday-presence, you know. There's glory for you.' "'I don't know what you mean by glory,' Alice said. Humpty Dumpty smiled contemptuously. "'Of course you don't, till I tell you. I meant there's a nice knock-down argument for you.' "'But glory doesn't mean a nice knock-down argument,' Alice objected. "'When I use a word,' Humpty Dumpty said, in a rather scornful tone, "'it means just what I'd choose it to mean, neither more nor less. "'The question is,' said Alice, "'whether you can make words mean so many different things.' "'The question is,' said Humpty Dumpty, "'which is to be master. That's all.' Alice was too much puzzled to say anything, so after a minute Humpty Dumpty began again. They've attempted some of them, particularly verbs. They are the proudest adjectives you can do anything with them, but not verbs. However, I can manage the whole lot of them. Impenetrability—that's what I say.' "'Would you tell me, please?' said Alice. "'What that means?' "'Now you talk like a reasonable child,' said Humpty Dumpty, looking very much pleased. "'I meant by impenetrability. That we've had enough of that subject, and it would be just as well if you mention what you mean to do next, as I suppose you don't mean to stop here all the rest of your life.' "'That's a great deal to make one word mean,' Alice said in a thoughtful tone. "'When I make a word, do a lot of work like that,' said Humpty Dumpty, "'I always pay it extra.' "'Oh,' said Alice. She was much too puzzled to make any other remark. "'Ah, you should see him coming round me of a Saturday night.' Humpty Dumpty went on, wagging his head gravely from side to side, for to get their wages, you know. Alice didn't venture to ask what he paid them with, so you can see I can't tell you.' "'You seem very clever at explaining words, sir,' said Alice. "'Would you kindly tell me the meaning of the poem called Jabberwocky?' "'Let's hear it. I can explain all the poems that were ever invented, and a good many that haven't been invented just yet.' This sounded very hopeful, so Alice repeated the first verse, "'Twas brilliant, and the slithy toves did guire and gimbal in the wave. All mimsy were the bottle-goves, and momeraths outgrabe. "'That's enough to begin with,' Humpty Dumpty interrupted. There are plenty of hard words there. Brilliant means four o'clock in the afternoon, the time when you begin broiling things for dinner.' "'That'll do very well,' said Alice. And slithy?' "'Well, slithy means lithe and slimy. Lithe is the same as active. You see it's like a portmanteau. There are two meanings packed up into one word.' "'I see it now,' Alice remarked thoughtfully. "'And what are toves?' "'Well, toves are something like badgers. They're something like lizards, and they're something like corkscrews. They must be very curious-looking creatures.' "'They are that,' said Humpty Dumpty. Also they make their nests under sundials. Also they live on cheese.' "'And what's the gyre, and to gimble?' "'To gyre is to go round and round like a gyroscope. To gimble is to make holes like a gimlet. And the wave is the grass plot round the sundial, I suppose,' said Alice, surprised at her own ingenuity. "'It's called wave, you know, because it goes a long way before it, and a long way behind it. "'And a long way beyond it on each side,' Alice answered. "'Exactly so. Well, then, mimsy is flimsy and miserable. There's another portmanteau for you, and a borogove is a thin, shabby-looking bird with its feathers sticking out all around, something like a live mop.' "'And then, moan wraths,' said Alice. "'I'm afraid I'm giving you a great deal of trouble.' "'Well, a wrath is a sort of green pig, but moam I'm not certain about. I think it's short for from home, meaning that they lost their way, you know.' "'And what does outgrabe mean?' "'Well, outgrabing is something between bellowing and whistling, with a kind of sneeze in the middle. However, you'll hear it done, maybe, down in the wood yonder, and when you've once heard it, you'll be quite content. Who has been repeating all that hard stuff to you?' "'I read it in a book,' said Alice, but I had some poetry repeated to me much easier than that by Tweedle Dee, I think it was.' "'As to poetry, you know,' said Humpty Dumpty, stretching out one of his great hands. I can repeat poetry as well as other folk if it comes to that.' "'Oh, it needn't come to that,' Alice hastily said, hoping to keep him from beginning. "'The piece I'm going to repeat,' he went on without noticing a remark, was written entirely for your amusement. Alice felt that in that case she really ought to listen to it, so she sat down and said, "'Thank you,' rather sadly. "'In winter, when the fields are white, I sing this song for your delight.' "'Only I don't sing it,' he added, as an explanation. "'I see you don't,' said Alice. "'If you could see whether I'm singing or not, you sharper eyes the most,' Humpty Dumpty remarked severely. "'In spring when woods are getting green, I'll try and tell you what I mean.' "'Thank you very much,' said Alice. "'In summer, when the days are long, perhaps you'll understand the song. In autumn, when the leaves are brown, take pen and ink, and write it down.' "'I will if I can remember it so long,' said Alice. "'You needn't go on making remarks like that,' Humpty Dumpty said. "'They're not sensible, and they put me out.' "'I sent a message to the fish. I told them. This is what I wish. The little fishes of the sea, they sent an answer back to me. The little fishes' answer was, "'We cannot do it, sir, because—' "'I'm afraid I don't quite understand,' said Alice. "'It gets easier further on,' Humpty Dumpty replied. "'I sent it to them again to say, "'It will be better to obey.' The fishes answered with a grin. "'Why, what a temper you are in!' "'I told them once, I told them twice. They would not listen to advice. I took a kettle large and new, fit for the deed I had to do. My heart went hop, my heart went thump. I filled the kettle at the pump. Then some one came to me and said, "'The little fishes are in bed.' I said to him, I said it plain, Then you must wake them up again. I said it very loud and clear. I went and shouted in his ear.' Humpty Dumpty raised his voice almost to a scream as he repeated this verse, and Alice thought with a shudder, "'I wouldn't have been the messenger for anything.' But he was very stiff and proud. He said, "'You didn't shout so loud.' And he was very proud and stiff. He said, "'I'd go and wake them, if—' I took a corkscrew from the shelf. I went to wake them up on myself. And when I found the door was locked, I pulled and pushed and kicked and knocked. And when I found the door was shut, I tried to turn the handle, but—' There was a long pause. "'Is that all?' Alice timidly asked. "'That's all,' said Humpty Dumpty. "'Good-bye.' This was rather sudden, Alice thought. But after such a very strong hint that she ought to be going, she felt that it would hardly be civil to stay. So she got up and held out her hand. "'Good-bye till we meet again.' She said as cheerfully as she could. "'I shouldn't know you again if we did meet,' Humpty Dumpty replied in a disconcerted tone, giving her one of his fingers to shake. "'You're so exactly like other people.' The face is what one goes by. "'Generally,' Alice remarked in a thoughtful tone. "'That's just what I complain of,' said Humpty. "'Your face is the same as everybody has. The two eyes so—' Marking their places in the air with his thumb. Nose in the middle, mouth under. It's always the same. Now, if you had the two eyes on the same side of the nose, for instance, or the mouth at the top, that would be some help.' "'It wouldn't look nice,' Alice objected. But Humpty Dumpty only shut his eyes and said, "'Wait till you tried.' Alice waited a minute to see if he would speak again. But as he never opened his eyes or took any further notice of her, she said, "'Good-bye,' once more, and, getting no answer to this, she quietly walked away. But she couldn't help saying to herself as she went on, "'Of all the unsatisfactory?' She repeated this aloud, as it was a great comfort to have such a long word to say. "'Of all the unsatisfactory people I ever met, she never finished the sentence, for at this moment a heavy crash shook the forest from end to end.' End of Chapter 6 Through the Looking-Glass, by Lewis Carroll. Read by Adrian Predsellis. This is a LibriVox recording, all LibriVox recordings are in the public domain. For more information or to volunteer, please visit LibriVox.org. Through the Looking-Glass, by Lewis Carroll. Chapter 7 The Lion and the Unicorn The next moment soldiers came running through the wood, at first in twos and threes, then in ten or twenty together, and at last in such crowds that they seemed to fill the whole forest. Alice got behind a tree for fear of being run over, and watched them go by. She thought that in all her life she had never seen soldiers so uncertain on their feet. They were always tripping over something or other, and whenever one went down several more always fell over him, so that the ground was soon covered with little heaps of men. Then came the horses, having four feet, these managed rather better than the foot soldiers, but even they stumbled now and then, and it seemed to be a regular rule that whenever a horse stumbled, the rider fell off instantly. The confusion got worse every moment, and Alice was very glad to get out of the wood into an open place, where she found the White King seated on the ground busily writing in his memorandum book. I've sent them all! The King cried in a tone of delight on seeing Alice. Did you happen to meet any soldiers, my dear, as you came through the road? Yes, I did, said Alice. Several thousand, I should think. Far thousand, two hundred, and seven. That's the exact number, the King said, referring to his book. I couldn't send all the horses, you know, because two of them are wanted in the game, and I haven't sent the two messengers either. They're both gone to the town. Just look along the road and tell me if you can see either of them. I see nobody on the road, said Alice. I only wish I had such eyes, the King remarked in a fretful tone, to be able to see nobody, and all that distance too, why it's as much as I can do to see real people by this light. All this was lost on Alice, who was still looking intently along the road, shading her eyes with one hand. I see somebody now, she exclaimed at last, but he's coming very slowly in what curious attitudes he goes into. For the messenger kept skipping up and down, and wriggling like an eel as he came along, with his great hands spread out like fans on either side. Not at all, said the King. He's an Anglo-Saxon messenger, and those are Anglo-Saxon attitudes. He only does them when he's happy. His names—his name is Haker. He pronounced it so as to rhyme with Mayor. I love my love with an H. Alice couldn't help beginning, because he's happy. I hate him with an H, because he is hideous. I fed him with ham sandwiches and hay. His name is Hager, and he lives under hill. The King remarked simply without the least idea that he was joining in the game, while Alice was still hesitating for the name of a town beginning with H. The other messenger's called Hatter. I must have two, you know, to come and to go—one to come and one to go. I beg your pardon, said Alice. It isn't respectable to beg, said the King. I only meant that I didn't understand, said Alice. Why, want to come and want to go? Didn't I tell you—the King repeated impatiently— I must have two, to fetch and carry—one to fetch and one to carry. At this moment the messenger arrived. He was far too much out of breath to say a word, and could only wave his hands about and make the most fearful faces of the poor King. This young lady loves you with an H. The King said, introducing Alice in the hope of turning off the messenger's attention from himself, but it was no use. The Anglo-Saxon attitudes only got more extraordinary every moment, while the great eyes rolled wildly from side to side. You alarm me, said the King. I feel faint. Give me a ham sandwich. At which the messenger, to Alice's great amusement, opened a bag that hanged around his neck, and handed a sandwich to the King, who devoured it greedily. And had a sandwich, said the King. There is nothing but hay left now, the messenger said, peeping into the bag. Hey, then! the King murmured in a faint whisper. Alice was glad to see that it revived him a great deal. There's nothing like eating hay when you're faint, he remarked to her as he munched away. I should think throwing cold water over you would be better. Alice suggested, or some salvolatile. I didn't say there was nothing better, the King replied. I said there was nothing like it. Which Alice did not venture to deny. Who did your pass on the road? The King went on holding out his hand to the messenger for some more hay. Nobody, said the messenger. Quite right, said the King. This young lady saw him too. So, of course, nobody walks slower than you. I do my best, the messenger said in a sulky tone. I'm sure nobody walks much faster than I do. He can't do that, said the King, or else he'd have been here fast. However, now you've got your breath, you may tell us what's happened in the town. All whisper it, said the messenger, putting his hands to his mouth in the shape of a trumpet, and stooping so as to get close to the King's ear. Alice was sorry for this, as she wanted to hear the news soon. However, instead of whispering, he simply shouted at the top of his voice. They're at it again! Do you call that a whisper? cried the poor King, jumping up and shaking himself. If you do such a thing again, I'll have you buttered. It went through and through my head like an earthquake. It would have to be a very tiny earthquake, thought Alice. Who are at it again? she ventured to ask. Why the lion and the unicorn, of course, said the King. Fighting for the crown? Yes, to be sure, said the King. And the best of the joke is that it's my crown all the while. Let's run and see them. And they trotted off, Alice repeating to herself as she ran, the words of the old song. The lion and the unicorn were fighting for the crown. The lion beat the unicorn all around the town. Some gave them white bread, some gave them brown, some gave them plum cake, and rummed them out of town. Does the one that wins get the crown? She asked as well as she could, for the run was putting her quite out of breath. Dear me, no, said the King. What an idea! Would you be good enough, Alice panted out after running a little further, to stop a minute just to get one's breath again? I'm good enough, the King said. Early I'm not strong enough. You see, a minute goes by so fearfully quick, you might as well try to stop a bandage snatch. Alice had no more breath for talking, so they trotted on in silence, till they came in sight of a great crowd, in the middle of which the lion and the unicorn were fighting. They were in such a cloud of dust, that at first Alice could not make out which was which. But she soon managed to distinguish the unicorn by his horn. They placed themselves close to where Hatter, the other messenger, was standing watching the fight with a cup of tea in one hand, and a piece of bread and butter in the other. He's only just out of prison, and he hasn't finished his tea when he was sent in, Hacker mentioned to Alice. And they only give them oyster shells in there, so you see he's very hungry and thirsty. Are you, dear child? He went on putting his arm affectionately round Hatter's neck. Hatter looked round and nodded, and went on with his bread and butter. Were you happy in prison, dear child? said Hacker. Hatter looked round once more, and this time a tear or two trickled down his cheek, but not a word would he say. Speak, can't you? Hacker cried impatiently, but Hatter only munched away and drank some more tea. Speak, won't you? cried the king. How are they getting on with the fight? Hatter made a desperate effort, and swallowed a large piece of bread and butter. They're getting on very well, he said in a choking voice. Each of them has been down about eighty-seven times. Then I suppose they'll soon bring the white bread and brown, Alice ventured to remark. It's waiting from now, said Hatter. This is a bit of a meeting. There was a pause in the fight just then, and the lion and the unicorn sat down panting, while the king called out, head minutes allowed for refreshments. Hacker and Hatter set to work at once, carrying rough trays of white and brown bread. Alice took a piece to taste, but it was very dry. I don't think they'll fade any more today, the king said to Hatter. Go and order the drums to begin. And Hatter went bounding away like a grasshopper. For a minute or two Alice stood silent, watching him. Suddenly she brightened up. Look, look! she cried, pointing eagerly. There's the white queen running across the country. She came flying out of the woods over yonder. How fast these queens can run! There's some enemy after her, no doubt. The king said, without even looking around, that woods full of them. But aren't you going to run and help her? Alice asked, very much surprised, that he's taking it all so quietly. No use, no use, said the king. She ran so fearfully quick, you might as well try to catch a panda snatch. But I'll make a memorandum about her, if you like. She's a dear good creature. He repeated softly to himself as he opened his memorandum book. Do you spell creature with a double E? At this moment the unicorn sorted by them with his hands in his pockets. I had the best of it this time, he said to the king, just glancing at him as he passed. A little, a little, the king replied, rather nervously, you shouldn't have ran him through with your heart, you know. It didn't hurt him, the unicorn said carelessly, and he was going on when his eye happened to fall upon Alice. He turned round rather instantly, and stood for some time, looking at her with an air of the deepest disgust. What is this? he said at last. This is a child, Hager replied eagerly, coming out in front of Alice to introduce her, and spreading out both his hands towards her in an Anglo-Saxon attitude. We only found it today, it's as large as life and twice as natural. I always thought they were fabulous monsters, said the unicorn. Is it alive? It could talk, said Hager solemnly. The unicorn looked dreamily at Alice, and said, Talk child! Alice could not help her lips curling up into a smile as she began. Do you know, I always thought unicorns were fabulous monsters too. I never saw one alive before. Well, now that we both have seen each other, said the unicorn, if you believe in me, I'll believe in you. Is that a bargain? Yes, if you like, said Alice. Come, fetch out the plum cake, old man. The unicorn went on, turning from her to the king. None of your brown bread for me. Certainly, certainly, the king muttered and beckoned to Hager. Open the bag. He whispered, Quick, not that wide, it's full of hay. Hager took a large cake out of the bag and gave it to Alice to hold, while he got out a dish and a carving knife. How they all came out of it, Alice couldn't guess. It was like a conjuring trick, she thought. The lion had joined them while this was going on. He looked very tired and sleepy, and his eyes were half shut. What's this? He said, blinking lazily at Alice and speaking in a deep hollow tone, that sounded like the tolling of a large bell. Ah, what is it now? The unicorn cried eagerly. Yo, never guess, I couldn't. The lion looked at Alice wearily. Are you edible, vegetable, or mineral? He said, yawning at every word. It's a fabulous monster. The unicorn cried out before Alice could reply. Then hand round the plum-cake monster. The lion said, lying down and putting his chin on his paws. And sit down, both of you, to the king and the unicorn. Play fair with the cake, you know. The king was evidently very uncomfortable at having to sit down between the two great creatures, but there was no other place for him. What a fight we might have had for the crowd now! The unicorn said, looking slyly up at the crown, which the poor king was nearly shaking off his head. He trembled so much. I should win easily, said the lion. I'm not so sure of that, said the unicorn. Why, I beat you all round the town, you chicken! The lion replied angrily, half-getting up as he spoke. Here the king interrupted to prevent the quarrel going on. He was very nervous, and his voice quite quivered. All round the town! He said, that's a good long way. Did you go by the old bridge or the marketplace? You get the very best view by the old bridge. I'm sure I don't know. The lion growled out as he laid down again. There was too much dust to see anything. What a time the monster is cupping up that cake! Alice had seated herself on the bank of a little brook, with the great dish on her knees, and was soaring away diligently with the knife. It's very provoking, she said in reply to the lion. She was getting quite used to being called the monster. I've cut several slices already, but they always join on again. You don't know how to manage looking-glass cakes! The unicorn remarked, hand it round first, and cut it afterwards. This sounded nonsense, but Alice very immediately got up, and carried the dish round, and the cake divided itself into three pieces as she did so. No, cut it up! said the lion as she returned to her place with the empty dish. I say, this isn't fair! cried the unicorn as Alice sat with the knife in her hand, very much puzzled how to begin. The monster has given the lion twice as much as me! She's kept none of herself anyhow, said the lion. Do you like plum cake, monster? But before Alice could answer him, the drums began. Where the noise came from, she couldn't make out. The air seemed full of it, and it ran through and through her head, till she felt quite deafened. She started to her feet, and sprang across the little brook in her terror, and had just time to see the lion and the unicorn rise to their feet with angry looks at being interrupted in their feast, before she dropped to her knees and put her hands over her ears, vainly trying to shut out the dreadful uproar. If that doesn't drum them out of town, she thought to herself, nothing ever will. End of Chapter 7 THROUGH THE LOOKING GLASS by Lewis Carroll read by Adrian Predsellis This is a LibriVox recording. All LibriVox recordings are in the public domain. For more information or to volunteer, please visit LibriVox.org. THROUGH THE LOOKING GLASS by Lewis Carroll Chapter 8 It's My Own Invention After a while the noise seemed gradually to die away till all was dead silence, and Alice lifted up her head in some alarm. There was no one to be seen, and her first thought was that she must have been dreaming about the lion and the unicorn, and those queer Anglo-Saxon messages. However, there was the great dish still lying at her feet on which she had tried to cut the plum-cake. So I wasn't dreaming after all, she said to herself, unless, unless we're all part of the same dream. Only I do hope it's my dream, and not the Red King's. I don't like belonging to another person's dream, she went on in rather a complaining tone. I've got a great mind to go and wake him and see what happens. At this moment her thoughts were interrupted by a loud shouting of, Ohoy, ohoy, check! And a knight dressed in crimson armour came galloping down upon her, brandishing a great club. Just as he reached her, the horse stopped suddenly. Oh my prisoner! The knight cried as he tumbled off his horse. Startled as she was, Alice was more frightened for him than for herself at the moment, and watched him with some anxiety as he mounted again. As soon as he was comfortably in the saddle, he began once more. Oh my! But here another voice broke in. Ohoy, ohoy, check! And Alice looked round in, some surprise for the new enemy. This time it was a white knight. He drew up at Alice's side and tumbled off his horse, just as the Red Knight had done. Then he got on again, and the two knights sat and looked at each other for some time without speaking. Alice looked from one to the other in some bewilderment. She's my prisoner, you know! The Red Knight said at last, Yes, but then I came and rescued her. The White Knight replied, Well, we must fight for her then! As he took up his helmet, which hung from the saddle, and it was something in the shape of a horse's head, and put it on. You will observe the rules of battle, of course! The White Knight remarked, putting on his helmet too. I always do! said the Red Knight, and they began banging away at each other with such fury that Alice got behind a tree to be out of the way of the blows. I wonder now what the rules of battle are, she said to herself, as she watched the fight timidly peeping from her hiding-place. One rule seems to be that if one knight hits the other, he knocks him off his horse, and if he misses, he tumbles off himself. And another rule seems to be that they hold their clubs with their arms, as if they were Punch and Judy. What a noise they make when they tumble! Just like a whole set of fire-ions falling into the fender, and how quiet the horses are! They let them get on and off just as they were tables. Another rule of battle that Alice had noticed, seemed to be that they always fell on their heads, and the battle ended, and the battle ended with their both falling off in this way side by side. When they got up again they shook hands, and then the red knight mounted and galloped off. It was a glorious victory, wasn't it? Said the white knight as he came up panting. Ah, I don't know. Alice said doubtfully. I don't want to be anybody's prisoner. I want to be a queen. So you will when you've crossed the next brook, said the white knight. I'll see you safe to the end of the wood, and then I must go back, you know. That's the end of my move. Thank you very much, said Alice. May I help you off with your helmet? It was evidently more than he could manage by himself. However, she managed to shake him out of it at last. Now one could breathe more easily, said the knight, putting back his shaggy hair with both hands, and turning his gentle face and large, mild eyes to Alice. She thought she had never seen such a strange-looking soldier in all her life. He was dressed in tin armour which seemed to fit him very badly, and he had a queer-shaped little deal box that fastened across his shoulder upside down with the lid hanging open. Alice looked at it with great curiosity. I see you're admiring my little box! The knight said in a friendly tone, It's my own invention to keep clothes and sandwiches in. You see, I carry it upside down so that the rain can't get in. But the things can get out, Alice gently remarked. Do you know the lids open? I didn't know it, the knight said in a shade of vexation passing over his face. Then all the things must have fallen out, and the box is no use without them! He unfastened it as he spoke, and was just going to throw it into the bushes when a sudden thought seemed to strike him, and he hung it carefully on a tree. Can you guess why I did that? he said to Alice. Alice shook her head. In hopes some bees may make a nest in it, then I should get the honey. But you've got a beehive or something like one fastened to the saddle, said Alice. Yes, it's a very good beehive, the knight said in a discontented tone, one of the best kind, but not a single bee has come near it yet. And the other thing is a mousetrap. I suppose the mice keep the bees out, or the bees keep the mice out, I don't know which. I was wondering what the mousetrap was for, said Alice. It isn't very likely there would be any mice on the horse's back. Not very likely, perhaps, said the knight, but if they do come, I don't choose to have them running all about. You see, he went on after a pause. It's as well to be provided for everything. That's the reason the horse has all those anklets round his feet. But what are they for, Alice asked, in a tone of great curiosity. To guard against the bites of sharks, the knight replied. It's an invention of my own, and now, help me on, I'll go with you to the end of the wood. What's the dish for? It's meant for plum cake, said Alice. We'd better take it with us, the knight said. It'll come in handy if we find any plum cake. Help me get it into this bag. This took a very long time to manage, though Alice held the bag open very carefully, because the knight was so very awkward in putting in the dish. The first two or three times that he tried, he fell in himself instead. It's rather a tight fit, you see, he said, as they got it in at last. There are so many candlesticks in the bag. And he hung it to the saddle, which was already loaded with bunches of carrots and fire-ions, and many other things. I hope you've got your hair well fastened on, he continued as they set off. Only in the usual way. Alice said, smiling. That's hardly enough, he said anxiously. You see, the wind is so very strong here. It's a stronger suit. Have you invented a plan for keeping the hair from being blown off? Alice inquired. Not yet, said the knight, but I've got a plan for keeping it from falling off. I should like to hear it very much. First you'll take an upright stick, said the knight. Then you make your hair creep up it like a fruit tree. Now, the reason the hair falls off is because it hangs down. Things never fall upwards, you know. It's a plan of my own invention. You may try it, if you like. It didn't sound a comfortable plan, Alice thought, and for a few minutes she walked on in silence, puzzling over the idea, and every now and then stopping to help the poor knight, who certainly was not a good rider. Whenever the horse stopped, which it did very often, he fell off in front. And whenever it went on again, which it generally did rather suddenly, he fell off behind. Otherwise he kept on pretty well, except that he had a habit of now and then falling off sideways, and as he generally did this on the side on which Alice was walking, she soon found that it was the best plan not to walk quite close to the horse. I'm afraid you've not had much practice in riding, she ventured to say, as she was helping him up from his fifth tumble. The knight looked very much surprised, and a little offended at the remark. What makes you say that? He asked, as he scrambled back into the saddle, keeping hold of Alice's hair with one hand, to save himself from falling over on the other side. Because people don't fall off quite so often when they've had much practice. Oh, I've had plenty of practice. The knight said very gravely, plenty of practice. Alice could think of nothing better to say than, indeed. But she said it as heartily as she could. They went on a little way in silence after this, the knight with his eyes shut, muttering to himself, and Alice watching anxiously for the next tumble. The great art of riding! The knight suddenly began in a loud voice, waving his right arm as he spoke, is to keep. Here the sentence ended as suddenly as it had begun, as the knight fell heavily on the top of his head exactly in the path where Alice was walking. She was quite frightened this time, and said in an anxious tone as she picked him up, I hope no bones are broken. None to speak of, the knight said, as if he didn't mind breaking two or three of them. The great art of riding, as I was saying, is to keep your balance properly. Like this, you know. He let go the bridle and stretched out both his arms to show Alice what he meant, and this time he fell flat on his back, right under the horse's feet. Plenty of practice! He went on repeating all the time that Alice was getting him on his feet again. Plenty of practice! It's too ridiculous. cried Alice, losing all her patience this time. You ought to have a wooden horse on wheels that you ought. Does that kind go smoothly? The knight asked, in a tone of great interest, clasping his arms around the horse's neck as he spoke, just in time to save himself from tumbling off again. Much more smoothly than a live horse, Alice said, with a little scream of laughter, in spite of all she could do to prevent it. I'll get one, the knight said thoughtfully to himself. One or two, several. There was a short silence after this, and then the knight went on again. I'm a great hand at inventing things. Now, I daresay you noticed that last time you picked me up that I was looking rather thoughtful. You were a little grave, said Alice. Well, just then I was inventing a new way of getting over a gate. Would you like to hear it? Very much indeed, Alice said politely. I'll tell you how I came to think of it, said the knight. You see, I said to myself, the only difficulty is with the feet. The head is high enough already. Now, first I put my head on the top of the gate, then I stand on my head, then the feet are high enough, you see, then I'm over, you see. Yes, I suppose you'd be over when that was done. Alice said thoughtfully, but don't you think it would be rather hard? I haven't tried it yet! The knight said gravely, so I can't tell for certain, but I'm afraid it would be a little hard. He looked so vexed at the idea that Alice changed the subject hastily. What a curious helmet you've got! She said cheerfully, is that your invention, too? The knight looked down proudly at his helmet, which hung from the saddle. Yes, he said, but I've invented a better one than that, like a sugar loaf. When I used to wear it, if I fell off the horse, it always touched the ground directly, so I had a very little way to fall, you see, but there was the danger of falling into it, to be sure. That happened to me once, and the worst of it was, before I could get out again, the other white knight came, he thought it was his own helmet. The knight looked so solemn about it, that Alice did not dare to laugh. I'm afraid you must have hurt him, she said in a trembling voice, being on the top of his head. I had to kick him, of course, the knight said very seriously, and then he took the helmet off again, but it took hours and hours to get me out. I was as fast as lightning, you know. But that's a different kind of fastness, Alice objected. The knight shook his head. It was all kinds of fastness with me. I can assure you, he said. He raised his hand in some excitement, as he said this, and instantly rolled out of the saddle and fell headlong into a deep ditch. Alice ran to the side of the ditch to look for him. She was rather startled by the fall, as for some time he had kept on very well, and she was afraid that he really was hurt this time. However, though she could see nothing but the soles of his feet, she was much relieved to hear that he was talking on in his usual tone. All kinds of fastness, he repeated, but it was careless of him to put another man's helmet on, or with the man in it, too. How can you go on talking so quietly head downwards? Alice asked as she dragged him out by the feet and laid him in a heap on the bank. The knight looked surprised at the question. What does it matter where my body's happens to be? He said, my mind goes on working all the same. In fact, the more head downwards I am, the more I keep inventing new things. Now, the cleverest thing of the sort that I ever did, he went on after a pause, was inventing a new pudding during the meat-course. In time to have it cooked for the next course, said Alice. Well, not the next course, the knight said in a slow, thoughtful tone. No, certainly not the next course. Then it would have to be the next day. I suppose you wouldn't have two pudding courses in one dinner. Well, not the next day, the knight repeated as before, not the next day. In fact, he went on, holding his head down and his voice getting lower and lower, I don't believe that pudding ever was cooked. In fact, I don't believe that pudding ever will be cooked, and yet it was a very clever pudding to invent. What did you mean it to be made of? Alice asked, hoping to cheer him up, for the poor knight seemed quite low-spirited about it. It began with blotting paper, the knight answered with a groan. That wouldn't be very nice, I'm afraid. No, not very nice alone, he interrupted quite eagerly. But you've no idea what a difference it makes mixing it with other things, such as gunpowder and sealing wax. And here I must leave you. They had just come to the end of the wood. Alice could only look puzzled, she was thinking of the pudding. You are sad, the knight said in an anxious tone. Let me sing you a song to comfort you. Is it very long? Alice asked, for she had heard a good deal of poetry that day. It's long, said the knight, but very, very beautiful. Everybody that hears me sing it either brings tears into their eyes or else. Or else what, said Alice, for the knight had made a sudden pause. Or else it doesn't, you know. The name of the song is called Hadeck's Eyes. Oh, that's the name of the song, is it? Alice said, trying to feel interested. No, you don't understand, the knight said, looking a little vexed. That's what the name is called. The name really is the aged, aged man. Then I ought to have said, that's what the song is called? Alice corrected herself. No, you oughtn't. That's quite another thing. The song is called Ways and Means, but that's only what it's called, you know. Well, what is the song, then? said Alice, who was by this time completely bewildered. I was coming to that, the knight said. The song really is a sitting on a gate, and the tune's my own invention. So saying he stopped his horse and let the reins fall on his neck, then slowly beating time with one hand, and with a faint smile lighting up his gentle, foolish face, as if he enjoyed the music of his song. He began, of all the strange things that Alice saw on her journey through the looking-glass. This was the one that she always remembered most clearly. Years afterwards she could bring the whole scene back again, as if it had been only yesterday, the mild blue eyes and kindly smile of the knight, the setting sun gleaming through his hair and shining on his armour in a blaze of light that quite dazzled her. The horse quietly moving about, with the reins hanging loose on his neck, cropping the grass at her feet, and the black shadows of the forest behind. All this she took in like a picture, as with one hand shading her eyes, she leant against a tree, watching the strange pair and listening in a half-dream to the melancholy music of the song. But the tune isn't his own invention, she said to herself. It's, I give the all, I can know more. She stood and listened, very attentively, but no tears came into her eyes. Oh, are you ancient man, I said, and how is it you live? And his answer trickled through my head, like water through a sieve. He said I look for butterflies that sleep among the wheat. I make them into mutton pies, and sell them in the street. I sell them unto many, said, who sail on stormy seas. And that's the way I get my bread, a trifle, if you please. But I was thinking of a plan to die one's whiskers green, and all was due so large a fand they could not be seen. So having no reply to give to what the old man said, I cried, come tell me how you live, and thumped him on the head. His accent smiled took up the tale. He said I go my ways, and when I find a mountain reel, I set it in a blaze, and thence they make a stuff they call. Rowlands, Macassar, oil, yet tuppence, hape, knees, all they give me for my toil. But I was thinking of a way to feed one's self on batter, and so gone from day to day, getting a little fatter. I shook him well from side to side, until his face was blue. Come tell me how you live, I cried, and what it did you do? He said I hunt for Haddock's eyes, among the heather bright, and work them into waistcoat buttons, in the silent night, and these I do not sell for gold, or coin of silvery shine, but for a copper half-penny, and that will purchase nine. I sometimes dig for buttered rolls, or set limed twigs for crabs. I sometimes search the grass he knows, for wheels of handsome cabs, and that's the way he gave a wink, by which I get my wealth, and very gladly will I drink your honour's noble health. I heard him then, for I had just completed my design, to keep the men I bridge from rust, by boiling it in wine. I thanked him much for telling me the way he got his wealth, but chiefly for his wish that he might drink my noble health. And now if ever I chance I put my fingers into glue, or madly squeeze a right-hand foot into a left-hand shoe, or if I drop upon my toe a very heavy weight, I weep for it reminds me so, of that old man I used to know. Whose look was mild, whose speech was slow, Whose hair was whiter than the snow, Whose face was very like a crow, With eyes like cinders all aglow, Who seemed distracted with his woe, Who rocked his body to and fro, And muttered mumbling and low, As if his mouth were full of dough, Who snorted like a buffalo. That summer evening long ago, I was sitting on the gate. As the night sang the last words of the ballad, he gathered up the reins and turned his horse's head along the road, by which they had come. You've only a few yards to go, he said, down the hill and over that little brook, then you'll be a queen. But you'll stay and see me off first, he added, as Alice turned with an eager look in the direction to which he pointed. I shan't be long, you'll wait and wave your hand, your chief, when I get to that turn in the road. I think it'll encourage me, you see. Of course I'll wait, said Alice, and thank you very much for coming so far, and for the song I liked it very much. I hope so, the night said doubtfully, but you didn't cry so much as I thought you would. So they shook hands, and the night rode slowly away into the forest. It won't take long to see him off, I suspect, Alice said to herself, as she stood watching him. There he goes, right on his head as usual. However, he gets on again pretty easily. That comes of having so many things hung around the horse. So she went on, talking to herself, as she watched the horse walking leisurely down the road, and the night tumbling off, first on one side, and then on the other. After the fourth or fifth tumble, he reached the turn, and then she waved her handkerchief at him, and waited till he was out of sight. I hope it encouraged him, she said, as she turned to run down the hill, and now, for the very last brook, and to be a queen, how grand it sounds. A very few steps brought her to the edge of the brook. The eighth square at last. She cried as she bound it across, and threw herself down to rest, on a lawn as soft as moss, with little flower-beds dotted about it here and there. Oh, how glad I am to get here! And what is this on my head? She exclaimed in a tone of dismay, as she put her hands up to something very heavy, and fitted tight all around her head. But how can it have got here without my knowing? She said to herself as she lifted it off, and set it on her lap to make out what it possibly could be. It was a golden crown. End of Chapter 8 Through the Looking-Glass by Lewis Carroll Read by Adrienne Prezellus This is a LibriVox recording, or LibriVox recordings are in the public domain. For more information or to volunteer, please visit LibriVox.org Through the Looking-Glass by Lewis Carroll Chapter 9 Queen Alice Well, this is grand. I never expected I should be a queen so soon, and I'll tell you what it is, Your Majesty. She went on in a severe tone. She was always rather fond of scolding herself. It'll never do for you to be lolling about on the grass like that. Queens have to be dignified, you know. So she got up and walked about, rather stiffly just at first, as she was afraid that the crown might come off. But she comforted herself with the thought that there was no one to see her. And if I really am a queen, she said as she sat down again, I shall be able to manage it quite well in time. Everything was happening so oddly that she didn't feel a bit surprised at finding the red queen and the white queen sitting close to her, one on each side. She would have liked very much to ask them how they came to be there, but she feared it would not be quite civil. However, there would be no harm, she thought in asking if the game was over. Please, would you tell me? She began looking timidly at the red queen. Speak when you're spoken to! The queen sharply interrupted her. But if everybody obeyed that rule, said Alice, who was always ready for a little argument, and if you only spoke when you were spoken to, and the other person always waited for you to begin, you see, nobody would ever say anything. So that, ridiculous, said the queen. Why don't you see, child? And here she broke off with a frown, and after thinking for a minute, suddenly changed the subject of the conversation. What do you mean? If you really are a queen, what right have you to call yourself so? You can't be a queen, you know, till you've passed the proper examination, and the sooner we begin it, the better. I only said if, poor Alice pleaded, in a piteous tone. The two queens looked at each other, and the red queen remarked with a little shudder. She says, she only said if. But she said a great deal more than that. The white queen moaned, rigging her hands. Oh, there were so much more than that. So you did, you know, the red queen said to Alice, Always speak the truth, think before you speak, and write it down afterwards. I'm sure I didn't mean, Alice was beginning, but the red queen interrupted her impatiently. That's just what I complain of. You should have meant. What do you suppose the use of a child without any meaning? Even a joke should have some meaning, and a child's more important than a joke, I hope. You couldn't deny that, even if you tried with both hands. I don't deny things with my hands, Alice objected. Nobody said you did, said the queen. I said you couldn't if you tried. She's in that state of mind, said the white queen, that she wants to deny something, only she doesn't know what to deny. A nasty, vicious temper, the red queen remarked, and then there was an uncomfortable silence for a minute or two. The red queen broke the silence by saying to the white queen, I invite you to Alice's dinner party this afternoon. The white queen smiled feebly and said, and I invite you. I didn't know I was to have a party at all, said Alice. But if there's to be one, I think I ought to invite the guests. We gave you the opportunity of doing it, the red queen remarked, but I dare say you've not had many lessons in manners yet. Manors are not taught in lessons, said Alice. Lessons teach you to do sums and things of that sort. And do you do addition? The white queen asked. What's one and one and one and one and one and one and one and one. I don't know, said Alice. I lost count. She can't do addition, the red queen interrupted. Can you do subtraction? Take nine from eight. Nine from eight. I can't you know, Alice replied very readily, but she can't do subtraction, said the white queen. Can you do division? Divide a loaf by a knife. What's the answer to that? I suppose, Alice was beginning, but the red queen answered for her. Bread and butter, of course. Try another subtraction's arm. Take a bone from a dog, and what remains? Alice considered. The bone wouldn't remain, I suppose, if I took it, and the dog wouldn't remain. It would come and bite me, and I'm sure I shouldn't remain. Then you think nothing would remain. Said the red queen. I think that's the answer. Wrong as usual, said the red queen. The dog's temper would remain. But I don't see how. Why look here, the red queen cried. The dog would lose its temper, wouldn't it? And perhaps it would, Alice replied cautiously. Then if the dog went away, its temper would remain. The queen exclaimed triumphantly. Alice said gravely as she could. They might go different ways, but she couldn't help thinking to herself what dreadful nonsense they are talking. She can't do sums a bit, the queen said together, with great emphasis. Can you do sums? Alice asked, turning suddenly on the white queen, for she didn't like being found fought with so much. The queen gasped and shut her eyes. I can do addition, if you give me time, but I can do subtraction under any circumstances. Of course you know, your A, B, C, said the red queen. To be sure I do, said Alice. So do I, the white queen whispered. We often say it over together, dear, and I'll tell you a secret. I can read words of one letter. Isn't that grand? However, don't be discouraged. You'll come to it in time. Here the red queen began again. Can you answer useful questions? She asked, how is bread made? I know that, Alice cried eagerly. You take some flour. Where do you pick the flour? The white queen asked, in a garden or in the hedges? Well, it isn't picked at all. Alice explained it's ground. How many acres of ground, said the white queen. You mustn't leave out so many things. Fan her head! The red queen anxiously interrupted. She'll be feverish after so much thinking. So they set to work and fanned her with bunches of leaves till she had to beg them to leave off. It blew her hair about so. She's all right again now, said the red queen. Do you know languages? What's the French for our fiddle-de-dee? Fiddle-de-dee's not English, Alice replied gravely. Whoever said it was, said the red queen. Alice thought she saw her way out of the difficulty this time. If you tell me what language fiddle-de-dee is, I'll tell you the French for it. She exclaimed triumphantly. But the red queen drew herself up rather stiffly and said, Queens never make bargains. I wish queens never asked questions, Alice thought to herself. Don't let us quarrel, the white queen said in an anxious tone. What is the cause of lightning? The cause of lightning, Alice said very decidedly, for she felt quite certain about this, is the thunder. No, no, she hastily corrected herself. I meant the other way. It's too late to correct it, said the red queen. When you've once said a thing, that fixes it, and you must take the consequences. Which reminds me, the white queen said, looking down and nervously clasping and unclasping her hands, we had such a thunderstorm last Tuesday. I mean, one of the last set of Tuesdays, you know. Alice was puzzled. In our country, she remarked, there's only one day at a time. The red queen said, that's a poor, thin way of doing things. Now here we mostly have days and nights, two or three at a time, and sometimes in the winter we dig as many as five nights together for warmth, you know. Are five nights warmer than one night, then? Alice ventured to ask. Five times as warm, of course. But they should be five times as cold by the same rule. Just so, said the red queen, five times as warm and five times as cold. Just as I'm five times as rich as you are, and five times as clever. Alice sighed and gave it up. It's exactly like a riddle with no answer, she thought. Humpty-dumpty! Sorry too! the white queen went on in a low voice, more as if she was talking to herself. He came to the door with a corkscrew in his hand. What did he want? said the red queen. He said he would come in, the white queen went on, because he was looking for a hippopotamus. Now, as it happened, there wasn't such a thing in the house that morning. Is there generally? Alice asked in an astonished tone. Well, only on Thursdays, said the queen. I know what he came for, said Alice. He wanted to punish the fish, because here the white queen began again. It was such a thunderstorm, you can't think. She never could, you know, said the red queen. And parts of the roof came off, and ever so much thunder got in, and it went rolling round the room in great lumps, and knocking over the tables and things till I was so frightened I couldn't remember my own name. Alice thought to herself, I never should try to remember my own name in the middle of an accident, where would be the use of it? But she did not say this aloud for fear of hurting the poor queen's feeling. Your Majesty must excuse her, the red queen said to Alice, taking one of the white queen's hands in her own, and gently stroking it. She means well, but she can't help saying foolish things as a general rule. The white queen looked timidly at Alice, who felt she ought to say something kind, but really couldn't think of anything at the moment. She never was really well brought up, the red queen went on, but it's amazing how good tempered she is. Pat her on the head, and see how pleased she'll be. But this is more than Alice had the courage to do. A little kindness and putting her hair in papers would do wonder for her. The white queen gave a deep sigh, and laid her head on Alice's shoulder. Why am I so sleepy? she moaned. She's tired, poor thing, said the red queen, smooth her hair, lend her your nightcap, sing her a soothing lullaby. I haven't got a nightcap with me, said Alice, as she tried to obey the first direction, and I don't know any soothing lullabies. I must do it myself, then, said the red queen, and she began. Till the feast's ready, we have time for a nap, when the feast's over, we'll go to the ball, a red queen, and white queen, and Alice, and all. Now you know the words, she added, as she put her head down on Alice's other shoulder. Just sing it to me, I'm getting sleepy too. And in another moment both queens were fast asleep, and snoring loud. What am I to do? exclaimed Alice, looking about in great perplexity, as first one round head, and then the other, rolled down from her shoulder, and lay like a heavy lump in her lap. I don't think it ever happened before that one had had to take care of two queens asleep at once. No, not in all the history of England. It couldn't, you know, because there never was more than one queen at a time. Do wake up, you heavy things? She went on in an impatient tone, but there was no answer, but a gentle snoring. The snoring got more distinct every minute, and sounded more like a tune. At last she could even make out the words, and she'd listened so eagerly that when the two heads vanished from her lap, she hardly missed them. She was standing before an arched doorway, over which were the words Queen Alice in large letters. On each side of the arch there was a bell handle. One was marked Visitor's Bell, and the other Servant's Bell. I'll wait till the song's over, thought Alice, and then I'll ring. The—which bell must I ring? She went on, very much puzzled by the names. I'm not a visitor, and I'm not a servant. There ought to be one marked Queen, you know? Just then the door opened a little way, and a creature with a long beak put its head out for a moment, and said, No admittance, till the week after next! And shut the door again with a bang. Alice knocked and rang in vain for a long time. But at last a very old frog, who was sitting under a tree, got up and hobbled slowly towards her. He was dressed in bright yellow, and had enormous boots on. What is it now? The frog said in a deep horse whisper. Alice turned round, ready to find fault with anybody. Where's the servant whose business it is to open the door? She began angrily. Which door? said the frog. Alice almost stamped with irritation at the slow drawl in which she spoke this. This door, of course. The frog took the door with his large dull eyes for a minute. Then he went nearer and rubbed it with his thumb, as if he were trying whether the paint would come off. Then he looked at Alice. To answer the door, he said. What's it been asking of? He was so hoarse that Alice could scarcely hear him. I don't know what you mean, she said. It talks English, doesn't it? The frog went on. Or are you deaf? What did it answer you? Nothing, Alice said impatiently. I've been knocking at it. Shouldn't do that. Shouldn't do that. The frog muttered. Vexes it, you know. Then he went up and gave the door a kick with one of his great feet. You let it. Alone, he panted out as he hobbled back to his tree. And it'll let you alone, you know. At this moment the door was flung open, and a shrill voice was heard singing. To the looking-glass world it was Alice that said, I've septor in hand, I've a crown on my head. And to the looking-glass creatures wherever they be, Come and I'm with the red queen, the white queen, and me. And hundreds of voices joined in the chorus. Then fill up the glasses as quick as you can, And sprinkle the tables with buttons and bran. Put cats in the coffee and mice in the tea, And welcome, Queen Alice, with thirty times three. Then followed a confused noise of cheering, and Alice thought to herself, Thirty times three makes ninety. I wonder if anyone's counting. In a minute there was silence again, and the same shrill voice sang another verse. Oh, looking-glass creatures, Quoth Alice, draw near, Tis an honour to see me a favour to hear, Tis a privilege high to have dinner and tea, Along with the red queen, the white queen, and me. Then came the chorus again. Then fill up the glasses with treacle and ink, Or anything else that is pleasant to drink. Mix and with the cider and wool with the wine, And welcome, Queen Alice, with ninety times nine. Ninety times nine? Alice repeated in despair. Oh, that'll never be done. I'd better go in at once, And there was a dead silence the moment she appeared. Alice glanced nervously along the table, As she walked up the large hall, And noticed there were about fifty guests of all kinds, Some were animals, some birds, And there were even a few flowers among them. I'm glad they'd come without waiting to be asked, She thought. I should never have known who were the right people to invite. There were three chairs at the head of the table. The red and white queens had already taken two of them, But the middle one was empty. Alice sat down in it, Rather uncomfortable in the silence, And longing for someone to speak. At last the red queen began, You've missed the soup and fish, she said, Put on the joint. And the waiters set a leg of mutton before Alice, Who looked at it rather anxiously, As she had never had to carve a joint before. You'll look a little shy, Let me introduce you to that leg of mutton, Said the red queen. Alice mutton, mutton, Alice. The leg of mutton got up in the dish, And made a little bow to Alice, And Alice returned the bow, Not knowing whether to be frightened or amused. May I give you a slice? She said, taking up the knife and fork, And looking from one queen to the other. Certainly not! The red queen said very decidedly, It isn't etiquette to cut any one you've been introduced to. Remove the joint! And the waiters carried it off, And brought a large plum pudding in its place. I won't be introduced to the pudding, please. Alice said rather hastily, Or we shall get no dinner at all. May I give you some? But the red queen looked sulky, And growled, Pudding, Alice! Alice, pudding! Remove the pudding! And the waiters took it away so quickly That Alice couldn't return its bow. However, she didn't see why the red queen Should be the only one to give orders, So as an experiment she called out, Waiter, bring back the pudding! And there it was again in a moment like a conjuring trick. It was so large that she couldn't help feeling A little shy with it, as she had been with the mutton. However, she conquered her shyness, By a great effort, and cut a slice, And handed it to the red queen. What impertinence! said the pudding. I wonder how you'd like it, If I was to cut a slice out of you, you creature! It spoke in a thick, suity sort of voice, And Alice hadn't a word to say in reply. She could only sit and look at it and gasp. Make a remark! said the red queen. It's ridiculous to leave all the conversation to the pudding. Do you know I've had such a quantity of poetry Repeated to me today? Alice began a little frightened At finding that the moment she opened her lips There was dead silence, And all eyes were fixed upon her. And it's a very curious thing, I think. Every poem was about fishes in some way. Do you know why they're so fond of fishes all about here? She spoke to the red queen, Whose answer was a little wide of the mark. As to fishes! she said, Very slowly and solemnly, Putting her mouth close to Alice's ear, Her white majesty knows a lovely riddle, All in poetry, all about fishes, Shall she repeat it? Her red majesty is very kind to mention it. The white queen momented Alice's other ear In a voice like the cooing of a pigeon. It would be such a treat, may I? Please do, Alice said very politely. The white queen laughed with delight And stroked Alice's cheek. Then she began, First the fish must be caught. That is easy, a baby, I think, could have caught it. Next the fish must be bought. That is easy, a penny, I think, would have bought it. Now cook me the fish. That is easy, and will not take more than a minute. Let it lie in a dish. That is easy because it already is in it. Bring it here, and let me sup. It is easy to set a dish on the table. Take the dish cover up. Ah, that is so hard, I fear I am unable. For it holds it like glue. Holds the lid to the dish, while it lies in the middle. Which is easiest to do. Undish cover the fish, or dish cover the riddle. Take a minute to think about it, and then guess, said the red queen. Meanwhile, we'll drink your health, Queen Alice's health. She screamed at the top of her voice, and all the guests began drinking it directly, and very queenly they managed it. Some of them put their glasses upon their heads like extinguishers, and drank all that trickled down their faces. Others upset the decanters, and drank the wine as it ran off the edges of the table, and three of them, who looked like kangaroos, scrambled into the dish of roast mutton, and began eagerly lapping up the gravy. Just like pigs in a trough, thought Alice. You ought to return thanks in a neat speech, the red queen said, frowning at Alice as she spoke. We must support you, you know. The white queen whispered as Alice got up to do it very obediently, but a little frightened. Thank you very much, she whispered in reply, but I can do quite well without. That wouldn't be at all the thing, the red queen said very decidedly, so Alice tried to submit to it with a good grace. And they did push so, she said afterwards, when she was telling her sister the history of the feast. You would have thought that they wanted to squeeze me flat. In fact, it was rather difficult for her to keep in her place while she made her speech. The two queens pushed her so, one on either side, that they nearly lifted her up into the air. I rise to return thanks. Alice began, and she really did rise as she spoke several inches, but she got hold of the edge of the table and managed to pull herself down again. Take care of yourself! screamed the white queen, seizing Alice's hair with both her hands. Something's going to happen! And then, as Alice afterwards described it, all sorts of things happened in a moment. The candles all grew up to the ceiling, looking something like a bed of brushes with fireworks at the top. As to the bottles, they each took a pair of plates, which they hastily fitted on as wings, and so with forks for legs went flattering about in all directions. And very like birds, they looked, Alice thought to herself, as well as she could in the dreadful confusion that was beginning. At this moment she heard a hoarse laugh on her side, and turned to see what was the matter with the white queen. But instead of the queen, there was the leg of mutton sitting in the chair. Here I am! cried a voice from the soup tereen, and Alice turned again, just in time to see the queen's broad, good-natured face grinning at her for a moment over the edge of the tereen before she disappeared into the soup. There was not a moment to be lost. Already several of the guests were lying down in the dishes, and the soup ladle was walking up the table towards Alice's chair and beckoning to her impatiently to get out of its way. I can't stand this any longer. She cried as she jumped up and seized the tablecloth with both hands. One good pull, and plates, dishes, guests, and candles came crashing down together in a heap on the floor. And as for you, she went on, turning fiercely upon the red queen, whom she considered as the cause of all the mischief. But the queen was no longer on her side. She had suddenly dwindled down to the sides of a little doll, and was now on the table, merrily running round and round after her own shawl, which was trailing behind her. At any other time Alice would have felt surprised at this, but she was far too much excited to be surprised at anything now. As for you, she repeated, catching hold of the little creature in the very act of jumping over a bottle which had just lighted upon the table, I shall shake you into a kitten, that I will. End of Chapter 9. Through the Looking Glass by Lewis Carroll Read by Adrian Predsellus This is a LibriVox recording, all LibriVox recordings are in the public domain. For more information or to volunteer, please visit LibriVox.org Through the Looking Glass by Lewis Carroll Chapter 10 Shaking She took her off the table as she spoke, and shook her backwards and forwards with all her might. The Red Queen made no resistance whatever. Only her face grew very small, and her eyes got large and green. And still, as Alice went on shaking her, she kept on growing shorter, and fatter, and softer, and rounder, and Chapter 11 Waking And it really was a kitten, after all. Chapter 12 Which Dreamed It Your Majesty shouldn't purse so loud, Alice said rubbing her eyes and addressing the kitten respectfully, yet with some severity. You woke me out of, oh, such a nice dream! And you've been along with me, Kitty, all through the Looking Glass world. Did you know it, dear? It is a very inconvenient habit of kittens, Alice had once made a remark that, whatever you say to him, they always purr. If they would only purr for yes, and mew for no, or any rule of that sort, she had said, so that one could keep up a conversation. But how can you talk with a person if they always say the same thing? On this occasion the kitten only purred, and it was impossible to guess whether it meant yes or no. So Alice hunted among the chessmen on the table, till she had found the red queen. Then she went down on her knees on the hearth-rug, and put the kitten and the queen to look at each other. Now, Kitty, she cried, clapping her hands triumphantly, confess that that was what you turned into. But it wouldn't look at it, she said, when she was explaining the thing afterwards to her sister. It turned away its head, and pretended not to see it. But it looked a little ashamed of itself, so I think it must have been the red queen. Sit up a little more stiffly, dear, Alice cried with a merry laugh, and curtsy, while you're thinking what to purr, it saves time, remember? She caught it up and gave it one little kiss, just in honour of having been a red queen. Snow dropped my pet. She went on looking over her shoulder at the white kitten, which was still patiently undergoing its toilette. When will Dina have finished your white majesty, I wonder? That must be the reason you were so untidy in my dream. Dina, do you know that you're scrubbing a white queen? Really, it's most disrespectful of you. And what did Dina turn to, I wonder? She prattled on as she settled comfortably down, with one elbow on the rug, and her chin in her hand to watch the kittens. Tell me, Dina, did you turn to Humpty Dumpty? I think you did. However, you'd better not mention it to your friends just yet, for I'm not sure. By the way, Kitty, if only you'd really been with me in my dream. There was one thing you would have enjoyed. I had such a quantity of poetry said to me all about fishes. Tomorrow morning you shall have a real treat. All the time you're eating your breakfast, I'll repeat the walrus and the carpenter to you, and then you can make believe it's oysters, dear. Now, Kitty, let's consider who it was that dreamed it all. This is a serious question, my dear, and you should not go on licking your paw like that. As if Dina hadn't washed you this morning. You see, Kitty, it must have been either me or the Red King. He was part of my dream, of course, but then I was part of his dream, too. Was it the Red King, Kitty? You were his wife, my dear, so you ought to know. Oh, Kitty, do help settle it. I'm sure your paw can wait. But the provoking kitten only began on the other paw, and pretended it hadn't heard the question. Which do you think it was? A boat beneath the sunny sky, lingering on dreamily in an evening of July. Children three that nestle near, eager eye and willing ear, pleased a simple tale to hear. Long has paled that sunny sky, echoes fade and memories die, autumn frosts have slain July. Still she haunts me phantom-wise, Alice moving under skies, never seen by waking eyes. Children yet, the tale to hear, eager eye and willing ear, lovingly shall nestle near. In a wonderland they lie, dreaming as the days go by, dreaming as the summers die, ever drifting down the stream, lingering in the golden gleam. Life! What is it but a dream? End of Through the Looking Glass, by Lewis Carroll