 Well, hello and welcome to Understand Men Now. I'm Johnathan Asley of JohnathanAsley.com and I'm so excited to be doing this live stream for you today. Our topic, the five secret thoughts a man has when he's totally into you. Now really quickly, if you're brand new to my YouTube channel, please hit the subscribe button, hit the bell so you can be notified of new videos. And if any time during this video, the content resonates with you, please do me a favor and hit that like button so we can be seen in the YouTube algorithms. Lastly, this is your explicit language warning. I do occasionally use expletives to enhance a sentence and if that is not your cup of tea, I suggest you log off right now. All right, let's jump into those five secret thoughts a guy has when he's totally into you and number five is really important. All right, let me just say something. If you've been following my channel for a while, it might seem like I throw men under the bus. And that is because I do basically believe that most men at midlife are rather clueless as to what they want in the form of a serious relationship. Now this doesn't make men bad people, it just makes them what I call bad daters. But not all men are rather clueless. In fact, there is a significant percentage of men who genuinely want a serious relationship, who are genuinely looking beyond the sex and they want to connect with another human being. In fact, most human beings simply want connection with one another. That's true, we want connection. Not everybody is capable of it, but that doesn't make them bad people. So let me just say that while many of my videos might seem like I throw men under the bus and quite frankly I kind of throw women under the bus as well from a human behavior perspective, from an expectation perspective. So I wanna lean in today to those guys who are genuinely serious about a relationship and what might be going on inside their head when they really, really like someone. I've been there, you've been there, everybody's been there, well at least most everybody, I can't say that as a definitive, most everybody's been in a place where you really like someone. So I want you to think about some of your own thoughts that go through your head when you really like someone. What I'm going to share today is from the male perspective what some men, not all men, but these are some of the thoughts that might go through their head when they really like someone. So I'm gonna put on my trusty glasses and we're gonna read from my little script here. See, I got my little script. So let's first start with, okay. So all right, so one of the first things men secret thoughts is, is she into me? Does she like me? Is she into me? In fact, this is one of the reasons why men sometimes, as well as women, fish for compliments, fish for some sort of reassurance, some validation. Okay, I've done it. I know that might seem as an insecure trait and lacks confidence. And we all know that confidence is what's most attractive because let's face it, those ultra confidence, supremely confident people are the most attractive on the whole of the planet. Although I've yet to meet the person that doesn't have some fear or insecurities going on in their life. In fact, the number one emotional health issue facing almost everybody is I'm not good enough. I'm not lovable and I'm not likable. In fact, that's one of the reasons why I wrote my book, What the Heck Is Self Love Anyway, to address that very common emotional, I was gonna say deficiency, but that doesn't feel like the right word, but that very common emotional trait where a wound, if you will, that I'm not good enough. So when a guy likes a person or when a woman likes a person, we oftentimes want some sort of reassurance. But what's going on inside of our head is do they really like me? And that's, when you think about it, it takes time in the early stages of dating to build those roots of trust to know that you're actually with someone that's going to be with you from the long-term perspective versus the short-term perspective. Let me repeat that, building the roots to trust. Now, this is one of the biggest problems in dating, mating, relating today is because very few people know how to build those roots of trust. It's one of the reasons why I created my private coaching program to help women vet for emotional maturity, to teach them how to determine who's truly compatible with them and teaching them how to pre-qualify their prospect with an emotional aptitude test. So if you need some help with that, check out the link below in the description for a free discovery call with me to see if working with a coach is right for you. So number one is, is she into me? Number two, oh, well, this kind of piggybacks on this for those women that tend to be a little bit slower to open up to a man, he's thinking, how can I make her like me more? How can I make her like me more? Now, I don't like the idea of making someone like you, but this is where guys oftentimes make a little bit greater effort. We call this the hunt, we call this pursuit, we call this chase, but what's really going on inside, now remember, I told you in the beginning, these are for the guys who aren't in it for just the sex, okay? These are men that genuinely want a serious committed relationship. So we might be thinking in the back of our minds, how can we make her like me more? What can I do to make her like me more? This is because women tend to go a little bit slower in the beginning stages, because men most of the time are on the hunt for sex, so there's an old adage, men are the gas and women are the brakes. This is one of the reasons why women tend to be a little bit slower, and when a guy who's genuinely serious about a relationship feels that, he may be trying a little bit harder to get her to like her. Now, this isn't a bad thing. We might look at that as being needy behavior, I'm sure a lot of confident alpha men would be turned off by this, because confident alpha men do the exact opposite, they tend to act disinterested and they even do something called negging, which is actually being negative to a person to make them come closer. I'm not saying all alpha male, but egotistical alpha males tend to do that. Those are people that actually have some, they're really approaching relationships from a selfish-based way, and not from a heart-centered way. So a man's gonna try, what's going on in his head? How can I make her like me more? Okay, number three. Oh, what can I do to please her and make her happy? What can I do to please her and make her happy? This actually reminds me of when I was in a significant relationship some years back. This is my most significant relationship after my divorce lasted almost six years. While we didn't go the distance, we had a very beautiful, conscious uncoupling. We realized we weren't really ideal partners for one another and we separated with love. And I truly believe two people can do that. When you take out that egoic desire of needing the other person to complete you, you can actually recognize that sometimes two people aren't a fit. But I wanna share what I remember early on in our dating, when we began dating. And this was after we had consummated the physical aspect of our relationship and I would spend weekends at her house. I'd wanna do things to make her happy. I'd do things to please her. And one of the things I did is she had two big golden retrievers that ate a ton of food and there were 50 pound bags, was it 50 or 25 pound bags of dog food. And I'd actually go to the store on her behalf, buy it, bring it to the house, put it in the house, put it in the tin can where she kept the dog food because I wanted to make her happy. This is what guys do. And I was thinking of this for quite some time before I actually did it. But these are the kind of things men think about when they really like someone, okay? These are some of the things we think about. And number four, and this is really, how shall I say, very sensitive to men. But number four is can I please her in bed? Can I please her in bed? When we take out that egoic bravado part of men that we're all the best lovers on the planet when we're actually sitting with when we really like someone as, and again, as we age, the equipment doesn't work as great as it used to. And we might think, maybe we've only been with a few lovers in our life and many haven't been very experienced at being a good lover. One of the things that they might be thinking about in the back of their head is, will I please this person? Can I be a good lover to my partner? Now I will say this, most men and women, this is a generalization, oftentimes are very selfish in the bedroom. They're more focused on their own pleasure or they're focused on giving to get. In other words, giving to get. A lot of human beings, oftentimes operate from a place to give to get or in other words, and some men give, they give pleasure as a equalizer to getting their own pleasure. So they figure if you've gotten pleasure, if they've gotten pleasure and they've given you pleasure, it's an equal balance. But I'm talking about guys who genuinely like you might have in the back of their mind, am I gonna be a good lover to my partner? It doesn't necessarily affect them greatly, but it certainly can cause us to have some insecurities in the bedroom. And certainly when two people have connected at a physical level and they've learned each other's bodies and they've learned what each other's likes, usually it takes a little bit of time for that to happen. And once that happens, we hope that they have a good sexual, not just a good sexual experience, but a good sex life together. That's always the hope. Not always everybody gets there, but that is the hope when two people genuinely care for one another. All right, lastly, and I said this especially, and that is, oh, is she really the one? Is she really the one? Here's the challenge with a lot of men when we get past the lust or limerence stage. You know what I mean? That initial infatuation, that initial lust. And when you really like someone, we've, listen, I know many of you have been taught that men know the one very quickly and they go after the one. But if that were so true, how come so many people, men, come on strong and then pull away and disappear? Why is the number one search term for women and understanding men is why are men commitment phobic? Why do men ghost? Why do men disappear? So I'm here to say that when a man genuinely likes a woman, he's gonna hit his leading edge. There's going to be moments of doubt. Is she really the one? This is where we become a little wishy-washy. This is where we become a little bit hot and cold. This is why it's so important to build those roots to trust, those deep roots to trust because when we hit our leading edge, it is through those roots of trust, that familiarity built those, and then getting through what's known as threshold barriers, threshold barriers, those are the bumps in the road that when you've experienced a bump in the road in relationship and you've overcome it, then you have another bump in the road and you overcome it and another bump in the road, that's what builds deep, deep roots within the relationship. And so it takes time. So we're naturally going to hit our edge. Women hit their edge, men hit their edge. People who are emotionally weak or emotionally immature, men who don't know what they want, men who are not looking for a serious relationship, oftentimes fold when they hit their edge. But when we, not butt, I'm trying to eliminate butt from my language, and yet when we meet someone we genuinely care about and we could see them as partners in our lives, we're going to overcome that, but there's going to be a natural period of uncertainty. This happens in almost every relationship that I've ever heard of. There's always a momentary, sometimes it's a long period of uncertainty, but there could be a temporary uncertainty because in the back of his mind, he's going, is she the one? Now, let me discount all those guys really quickly on a first date that say to you things like, oh my God, you're amazing. Oh my God, you're not like anyone I've ever met before. Oh my God, I could see you as my wife. That is driven by lust and limerence. That's not driven by true love. It takes time to build those roots I talk about of trust to actually lean into deeper intimacy, deeper connection with another human being. So just to recap those five, and then we're going to take questions in a moment. All right, they are, is she really, is she into me? This is why some men fish for compliments. Number two, how can I make her like me more? This is because women tend to warm up a little bit slower than men. What can I do to please her? Men want to be your hero. We want to please you in most cases. Do I please her in the bedroom? And lastly, is she really the one? This is why some men go back and forth for a little bit of time. They act a little wishy-washy, but again, it's only gonna be temporary, and you may even not notice it. It may be happened in the background. And this is often what happens to a lot of men who are genuinely serious about a relationship, who genuinely like you, who actually do want to go the distance, okay? So as I said before, I oftentimes throw men under the bus, but not all men are that clueless, and yet many are. And just like women, not all women are clueless and yet many are. All right, I think this would be a great time to start our Q&A for today. Just as a reminder, if you're watching the live stream right now, in the chat box, you can post a question by writing the word question and then posting your question. So it'll be easier for me to find, as well as you can purchase a super sticker or a super chat. All the fun, and this is only during the live stream, all the super stickers and super chats go to a fund for a foundation I'm starting for my son Connor. And that foundation is to start a scholarship fund for those who seek personal development help, because I'm such a big proponent of everybody doing personal development, self-help, and spiritual work on a regular basis. All right, let's take a look at our questions. Ah, I did see one earlier, so I'm gonna scroll all the way to the top. Sadie wrote a question, here we go. Question, Jonathan. Jonathan, my children are grown up and in their 20s. I'm looking for love online, but I still feel I'm betraying my children by doing this. Is this normal? Well, first off, it's actually very normal. I would say, and I don't understand why you think it's a betrayal of your children to find a life mate. I would hope that your children would want you to find a life mate if you have grown children. It may feel like a betrayal to their father if that's what you meant, and I can certainly understand that, but let me just, you know, it's interesting. When I think back to when I got a divorce, and I believe my boys were, there's Colin and Connor right there, my boys were eight and nine when we separated. And when we told our kids, they didn't even bat an eye. And I was a little surprised, and I asked them, why didn't you bat, I mean, I didn't say why didn't you bat an eye? It's because half of their friends' parents are divorced. Let me be real, let's be real about something. I mean, a significant portion of people go through a divorce shortly after getting married, shortly after having children, and even being married for 20 or 30 years. So children are very adept, adept, is that right? Very experienced in what's, you know, the whole understanding that our parents do go through a divorce and our parents may date other people. So you are not betraying your children in any way, at least in my opinion, you're betraying your children in any way by putting yourself out there. Now, I can understand some of your reservations, let's face it, online dating can be a little bit of a clusterfuck out there. It's becoming progressively worse because it's desensitizing people to one another, that's the sad reality. And yet the other sad reality for those of us in midlife is that it's becoming increasingly harder to meet people organically. Let me repeat, that's becoming increasingly harder to meet people organically, whom you know are single, eligible and looking for love. This is why the internet is the most popular place to meet people these days. In fact, literally, I've said anecdotally, 50% of all new relationships for folks in their 40s, 50s on up is happening through an online connection. Let me say that, 50%. And I think roughly 90%, this is just my speculation here, 90% of first dates are happening through an online connection. So Sadie, that's my thoughts on that. I say go for it. I work with a lot of women who have younger children, not older children like yourself, have younger children who have put themselves online. So great question, thank you so much. All right, let's go back here. If you have a question, post the word question and then write your question out. Lisa says, meetup groups, Jonathan, but it's true. Guys don't even look up for phone, look up for phones at the supermarket. So meet, everybody talks about meetup groups. Oh my God, like this is the, the panor... What's the word I'm looking for? The panacea is gonna be at meetup groups. Look at, I've done dozens of meetup groups and I've not met one person. I've been interested in dating. I know this sounds like a great... And by the way, it is a great way to make new friends and meet new people. And just like I wouldn't go there with that expectation. And let me just say something about people staring at their phones, people staring at their phones. I cannot believe how many times I go out to dinner, men and women alike, they're sitting at a table and they're staring at their phones instead of looking at the person across from them. This is a problem of men and women alike. This isn't a men issue. This is a men and women alike issue. We are more addicted to our phones than actual interpersonal connections with one another. So that's just my interpretation on that. Lisa, thank you for jumping in on that. Let me see if there's any questions. Linda says clusterfuck is an understatement. Exactly. All right, let's see. Here, HA says, question. What to do if a married man asks you for a relationship advice with their married life? Must mention they have feelings for you as well. Should we keep reminding them of their wives? Okay, let me just think about this. What to do if a married man asks you for relationship advice with their married life? Just mention that they have feelings for you as well. So if I understand this correctly, a man who claimed to have feelings for you asked for advice on his marriage. My advice in that particular case is to recommend a therapist for he and his wife. That's my recommendation. I would not get involved in emotional discussions with a married man. Let me repeat that. I would not get involved with emotional discussions with married men because what that leads to, let me find the book. What that leads to, where's the book? Oh, here it is. That leads to what's known as chatting or cheating. Ha ha ha, chatting or cheating. And Dr. Sherry Myers wrote a book about what's known as emotional sex. If you start to have an emotional conversation with a married man, what will happen is you'll begin engaging with what's known as emotional sex. Emotional sex is connecting at an intimate level. It's not physical sex, but it's actual intimacy with another human being. And my question for you is if you were his wife, how would you feel about him talking to you or talking to another woman about your relationship? My invitation would be to suggest that he and his wife go seek counseling if he wants marital advice or go seek a counsel on his own for marital advice and take you out of the equation. And if he's expressed feelings for you, you might wanna remind him that you could call his wife at any time and let him know that he stated this to you. I think that's very dangerous ground. I'm not suggesting you do that, but you may wanna put a little fear in him. At least that's what I would do. And he might back off on those feelings for you. Now, if you find yourself attracted to the feelings he's giving you, you're setting yourself up for a big kaboom, kaboom. Because that's what will happen if you begin engaging in emotional sex with someone who's a married man. That's my invitation for you. Hey, Jay, thank you so much for your question. I appreciate that. All right. And Lisa Cunningham says, don't be a psychologist unless you want to be. I don't even recommend that. All right, question, just post the word question. Michael says, Jonathan, I love your red shirt. I'm actually burning up in this red shirt and I may take it off in a moment, but thank you, Michael, I appreciate that. All right. Linda says, all meetup groups where I lived are filled with middle-aged women. Okay, that could be true. Lisa says, question, do you know a good way to get a man's attention out on the town? Okay. You know, when you ask that question, Lisa, it reminded me of a friend of mine, very dear friend. My nickname for her is Buttercup from the movie Princess Bride. She and I actually, we met online dating 15, 16 years ago. We weren't a good fit, but we were just, we became really good friends and we hung out for years together before she eventually met someone and got married. We still stay connected. But I remember when she was out on a date, she was out with her friends and she told me the story about this guy she liked and he was at the bar, she was standing at the bar, she was about five feet away from him and she took an ice cube out of her drink and threw it at him to get his attention. And he looked at her and she looked at him. Next thing you know, they started talking and they went on to have a two or three year relationship. He was considerably younger than her. That was her cougar fling that she had at that point in her life. And I'm not suggesting that for you, Lisa, but that was one way to get his attention. That's basically known as dropping the hanky, dropping the hanky. Now, one of the ways to drop the hanky in the online dating world is to do something I call being nice, being nice, N-I-C-E, being nice. And it stands for with most dating apps these days. If you go on Bumble, for example, here's Bumble. Can you see that? Bumble. There's my profile. So it has my name there. So the nice acronym stands for name, inquisitive, compliment, enthusiasm. Name, inquisitive, compliment, enthusiasm. So you might write something like, hey, Jonathan, nice to connect with you. I see by one of your pictures, you've read the book, The Untethered Soul. Oh my gosh, that's my favorite book. By the way, you're really, so what inspired you to choose that book? Might be a question. So be inquisitive. And then follow up with, okay, so it's name, inquisitive, compliment. Throw in a compliment like, hey, you're easy on the eyes or I love that picture of you, standing with the crowd. I have a picture of me where I've got a crown on. It's a, you'd have to, well, here I'll show you the picture to so you can understand. So there's the picture. Okay. And then lastly, E stands for enthusiasm. Add an emoji, add something of enthusiasm, exclamation points to show you're interested. Try my acronym of nice. N-I-C-E, name, inquisitive, compliment, and enthusiasm. You can actually do this in real life as well as through the virtual world. I'm gonna repeat that. You can do this through real life as well as the virtual world. All right, great question, Lisa. By the way, I am starting to burn up in this. So I'm gonna switch shirts right now. So hang tight one second. I'm still here. All right, I'm back. All right, what does the shirt say? The self love club. All right, let's just go through this. Let's see what we've got here, Q and A. And let's see. Someone just said, I just joined a running club. Okay. Actually, I know of a couple that met through, they did triathlons together. She happened to be the only woman in a group of like 20 men who did triathlons. Together it was a training group. She met a guy there. They went on to date and they eventually got married. So you might wanna go to places where there's a lot more men, for those women out there, you might wanna go to the places where there's a lot more men than women. And for you guys, you might wanna go to places where there's a lot more women than men. At least that's my invitation for you. Anyway, okay. All right, Deep Diver has a question. Question, do you believe in signs, Jonathan? I asked for a sign from God about a guy. And the first post I see was, give him a second chance. Psychology says, people show their intentions between three and four months. All right, I'm a little bit confused. First off, do I believe in signs? Yes, I believe that when we are connected to our divine self, when we are connected to our higher self, we actually have, whether we call it premonitions, whether we call it, well, I guess it would be premonition, we can even look at it from a law of attraction perspective. Do we actually maybe foresee something that happens or do we see signs of this? So I do absolutely believe that. What I don't understand in your question though, is psychology says people show their intentions between three and four months. Well, you said give him a second chance. So I'm a little bit confused. Do you believe in signs, Jonathan? Ask for a sign from God about a guy. And the first post I see is give him a second chance. So second chance, I don't understand, was this someone you were in relationship with that it didn't work out and you're giving him a second chance? Was it when you bumped into the grocery store and now you're giving them a second chance? People show their intentions between three and four months. I think people show their true colors about three or four months in the dating process. I always think of what Chris Rock says, most people in the dating process show up as the ambassador of their best selves, the ambassador of their best selves, meaning they oftentimes are showing up as their best self, but that's not who they truly are. And I do believe around the three or four month we begin to nest into a relationship when we start to show our true colors when we're beyond that lust or limerence phase, when we're beyond that lust or limerence phase. And just remember, limerence is extreme infatuation, extreme infatuation. In fact, many people believe this to be chemistry when there's too strong, feeling this strong pull for one another. We call that chemistry, but what that could be is a chemical reaction of extreme infatuation, but that doesn't necessarily mean two people are quite suited for being with one another on a long-term basis. So I would just caution you on that. I just wanna show that self-love club, share a little bit more. All right, so anyway, that's my invitation for you there. Thank you for that question. Oops. Oh, here we go. April says, question me and my boyfriend have been with each other for a year. We went through the steps, talking to each other on the phone, then going out now, we are thinking about moving in. Is that wise? Oh, that is such an interesting question, moving in together. So there's just some irony in that because I was just watched a video about the studies that say whether or not living together as a precursor to marriage is actually a good thing. And studies show that it's actually not a good thing to live together unless there's an actual plan of getting married. In other words, there's an engagement that precedes the living together. As many people have, and this again, this is, I'm not sure of the author that wrote that did the study on this. You may wanna Google it. I just remember watching a video on it, but Dr. Karen was the video that I watched. But she was reciting a book saying that statistically speaking, people who move in together without a plan of getting married don't necessarily ever get married. So that there's greater success when two people make a full commitment with one another. Now, what I don't know was this study done for 20 and 30-year-olds or for those in their 40s, 50s, and 60s. Here's what I do know. 50% of first marriages fail, roughly 50% of first marriages fail. What I do know is 65% of second marriages fail and 75% of third marriages fail. So what does that tell us? What, I mean, isn't that fascinating? You would think people would be get better after they've done it once. And it seems to be quite the opposite. This is one of the reasons why I highly recommend reading this book called Eight Dates by Doctors John and Julie Gottman. I've always said Dr. John and Julie Gottman. It's Doctors John and Julie Gottman. They're both doctors. So if I've ever disparaged Dr. Julie Gottman, I'm giving her props here. This book Eight Dates is a great precursor to read before you ever consider moving in together and considering actually being in a serious relationship together. Those who know me know. I always say before the penis goes inside the vagina, you might wanna read this book ahead of time to make sure that the person you're with is a good candidate to be in relationship with you. So that's my invitation or my suggestion as far as the idea of living together. Now, I'm not against living together. In fact, I think it's a great way to... I'm actually looking forward to the opportunity moving in with someone someday or actually getting remarried. I actually think about that. So I think there's a big difference because to me, moving in together might be a precursor to either getting engaged or getting married, but it's on the top of my mind. I would certainly want to know what's on top of their mind other than just sharing expenses, which can actually be a benefit too. I'm not against it. I'm just saying know what you want and make sure they want the same thing. So great question, April. Thank you so much for that question. I really appreciate it. All right, let's go to Linda's question. Question, what do you make of a man who is able to share deeply, show vulnerability, express attraction easily, loves to communicate, but still slow on the action front? Cut them loose? Wow. Okay, so I don't understand why you'd want to cut someone loose who shares deeply, shows vulnerability, expresses attraction easily, loves to communicate. So slow on the action front. So what is the action front you're talking about? Is it how many times you see each other during the week? Is it progressing the relationship forward? Is it that he does or doesn't want something serious? If you have a man who's a communicator, if I were you, I would just start asking questions about what's coming up for him and what does he really want in a relationship? Folks, here's a big problem I see today. Is many women, you know, I've been doing, okay, let me backtrack here for a second. I've been thinking about something recently and that is I see most people date in two categories. They're either the employee or they're the boss. Let me repeat that. The employee or the boss, okay? And what I mean to say is an employee is basically subservient to a boss. So they basically give their power away to the boss and they basically do so because they have a need to get a paycheck from a boss. So oftentimes I see most couples in a boss employee type of relationship. One person has more power than the other. This is why I'm a big proponent of people leaning into their sovereignty, their self-worth, their self-esteem and act like a self-employed person instead of an employee. A self-employed person knows their self-worth, their self-esteem, their self-confidence, their self-reliance and they're actually seeking a partnership in a relationship. Let me repeat that. They're seeking partnership in a relationship. This is why I highly recommend checking out this book. It's a business book but this is in conjunction with eight dates by doctors John and Julie Gottman. This is a business book called The Partnership Charter, The Partnership Charter. How to start outright with your new business partnership. Now, this is a business book but this is a great example to think about if you're a self-contained person and the other person is a self-contained person, the question is how do you develop partnership with one another? This is what's sorely lacking in most relationships today understanding what's their common cause, what's their common purpose in their relationship. This is why I highly also recommend reading the book by Gary Zucca, Spiritual Partnership. He wrote The Seat of the Soul. This is a great book to lean into something deeper in relationship instead of the traditional narrative that chemistry means relationship success and all we have to do is just have fun and just have fun and you know what? We don't have to worry about anything. Let's just have a good time and you ladies can just sit back in your feminine energy and lean back because the guys all know what they're doing and you're just gonna have magical bliss because magic fairy dust always works out in the long run. I'm here to say if you're not actually studying the mechanics to a healthy happy relationship, if you're not doing personal development work, spiritual work and self-help work to shore up childhood wounds and traumas as well as adult traumas, it's going to be increasingly difficult to lean into anything deeper. Here's the thing, you've got a man who wants, who is communicative and vulnerable and authentic, just start having conversations with him to see if you're both on the same page because if you're not on the same page, that might be the time to decide that this isn't the right relationship but I wouldn't cut off someone who's a good communicator, vulnerable, authentic and speaks from a deep perspective. I wouldn't do that. Anyway, great question, Linda. Thank you so much. All right. Deep Diver wrote, this is what the first post on Instagram said. Give him a second chance. Psychology says people show their true intentions within three to four months. Was that, was what the post said? All right, awesome. Yay, go for it. All right, mystic. I saw something that said mystic. Hold on a second. This thing moves. So please forgive me, play. Oh, there we go. Mystic with lipstick. What are your thoughts on twin flames, soul mates, karmic partners? Thank you. Well, I have a couple of thoughts on that. So, I do believe, I do believe that we have soul mates in our lives that, and we have multiple soul mates in our lives. I believe, listen, folks, oh, now I'm gonna get emotional. So, in a few days is going to be the third anniversary of Connor's passing. There's Connor, and one of the ways that I've gotten through this from an emotional level is that I had been studying the course in miracles prior to his passing. In fact, if you're not familiar with Mary Ann Williamson, she wrote the book, Return to Love. Mary Ann Williamson is one of the top speakers on the course in miracles. And I'd been studying the course in miracles for several months prior, and we had been ironically talking about death prior. And I'm gonna get to her question in a second, so bear with me. And it made me think of there, we are spirits inside of a body. And our body is a short lived experience here, but our spirits go on and we do this multiple, multiple, multiple, multiple times in our lives. And so for me, that is something I truly believe in. So if that is, and I gotta tell you something, it's how I get through thinking that because I know friends of mine who are atheists and I have friends of mine who don't believe in spirit, soul, and whatever. And I just couldn't go through life thinking that, especially now that I've lost a child. And so to me, I believe we have soul relationships and we revisit relationships. So whenever we feel a connection with another human being, sometimes it's very benign and sometimes it's very strong. I believe it's because we've had a past connection with them, that's what I believe. Now, as far as, so I do believe we have multiple soulmates, I do believe some people have karmic partners to heal some trauma that happened to them in a past life. Those are those karmic partners. And Twin Flames, I do believe, okay, here's my thing on that. And I'm gonna be candid with you. I think it's just bullshit, okay? And I'm just gonna be honest. There's this, you know, this, whoa, Twin Flames. You know, like it's just so magical. I think because a lot of times people confuse real intense physical chemistry as being Twin Flames. In fact, Marianne Williamson, when she does live speaking events, she says to her audience, what do you do when two people meet and they have great chemistry? And the entire audience, she waits a second, the audience says, pray. And what she means by pray is you better pray for your life because usually those are the most traumatic of all relationships when it's intense, intense, intense, intense chemistry. Because intense chemistry is like a rocket that takes off and then it runs out of gas and it crashes down to the ground. Now I'm not to suggest that people haven't been mated who have intense chemistry, but it seems to me, look at, Hollywood is riddled with people who have had intense chemistry and see how long those relationships last because most humans aren't really thinking about the mechanics to a healthy, happy relationship. They're not thinking about developing the deep roots of trust. This is why I recommend all these books, especially books like this book, Nonviolent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg. PhD, by the way, Dr. Marshall Rosenberg. But these are the kind of books everybody should be reading when they decide to enter into romantic relationship. Is this sinking in? Is this resonating? Please let me know. Please hit an AM. By the way, hit that like button if this is resonating with you. All right, great question, Mystic. Thank you so much. Terry says, how do you screen for emotional maturity? Well, this is one of the things I do in my private coaching. I have something called an emotional aptitude test, an emotional aptitude test. Check out the link to a free discovery call with me to see if working with the coach is right for you. That's what I do in my private coaching. So great question, Terry, thank you. My questions are lame. No, they're not Mystic with lipstick. Your question isn't lame. All right. All right, let's see what questions we have. Write the word question or purchase a super sticker or super chat. This resonates with you. Please purchase a super sticker, super chat. I'd be truly grateful. Thank you so much. All right. And if you have a question, I'm scrolling through all the, oh, here we go. Kata, question. What do you make of a guy who would renovate my, oh, okay, sorry. By the way, folks, I'm a little bit dyslexic. So when I read, I do make some grammatical error. So please forgive me. What do you make of a guy who would renovate my entire house but completely ignore me at home and refuse to talk about it or see a therapist for the arguments his behavior caused? Great question. So if you're not familiar with the book, the five love languages, the five love languages, it sounds like to me, this man's love language is acts of service, acts of service. So what's most likely is going on for this man is that he genuinely cares for you, but he's got, it sounds to me, he's got some childhood wounds and traumas as well as adult traumas that cause him to fear intimacy, to fear going deeper into the relationship. This is one of the reasons why folks, I'm such a big proponent of reading the book, the Hoffman process, the Hoffman process to understand our childhood wounds and traumas to heal our negative patterns and limiting beliefs that cause many people to be rather dysfunctional in relationship. And let me just say this, I believe 80% of the single population out there who's actively dating who are in their 40s, 50s, 60s and above are rather emotionally dysfunctional. That's just a perception I have. That's based on my anecdotal perception as a dating in relationship coach. So I'm not saying that's a fact, but I will say I've witnessed so many men and women incredibly dysfunctional because they have weak skills, weak emotional skills, very weak emotional skills. This is why when I recommend all these books, and here's two other books I highly recommend reading, The Untethered Soul by Michael Singer, along with How to Be an Adult in Relationship, How to Be an Adult in Relationship. Folks, if you're not reading these books, you're not qualified, well, I'm not saying you're not qualified. Everybody is capable of being in relationship. But how qualified are you if you don't understand the mechanics to a healthy, happy relationship? So what do I mean by mechanics to a healthy, happy relationship? Folks, here's the thing. Since around the last 50 to 60 years, we have, because women are no longer dependence upon men for their financial security, the whole narrative around being mated with one another has changed and there's no longer the need to be married like it used to be. Women had a need to marry men because they had a need to have men financially take care of them. Well, that doesn't exist anymore. Women are very incredibly capable of taking care of themselves. So this means we actually choose a relationship based on real compatibility with one another. But the problem is for those of us in midlife, if we're no longer, okay, so I want you to think about this. In our 20s and 30s, most people are actively seeking a mate to make babies and start a family. Make babies and start a family. That's the number one route. Make babies, start a family, buy a home. Three solid routes to be in relationship with one another. At midlife, most folks don't know what it is to be in partnership with one another because they come to the table with their stuff. I use this analogy recently, but I want you to think about this. When you're, here's a puzzle box, 500 piece puzzle box, 500 piece puzzle box, okay? Now, when you're in your 20s and 30s, hopefully you probably come to the table with not very many pieces of the puzzle, each one of you, not many pieces of the puzzle. So you start by making the outline first, okay? And then you start filling as you grow together. The problem with midlife is one person comes to the table with their 500 pieces and the other person comes with the 500 pieces, but they have to make a 500 piece puzzle. And what they don't know is how to first start with the outline of this puzzle and then recognize that they have to compromise in their lives for those other pieces because it's impossible to put 1,000 pieces in a 500 piece puzzle. Is this making sense? This is why understanding, being compassionate towards one another, being understanding towards one another and to have compromise in one life. But the reality is is most people are dating very selfishly. I'm gonna repeat that. Most people in midlife are dating rather selfishly. I want my needs to be met. They're not thinking about the other person. They're hyper focused on their own needs. In fact, many people are more about taking than they are giving in the early stages of dating, but that's for another conversation. So what was the original question? I go up on sidetracks here, but going back to his love language is access service, but that doesn't mean he's capable of being in a relationship most likely because he has childhood wounds and traumas or adult traumas that makes it difficult for him to lean in. All right, thank you. Melody's right. Oh my God, I can't sit back in my feminine energy not after these videos. Thank you. Leaning back in your feminine energy. Everybody knows my little narrative on that. So thank you so much. All right, what other questions do we have? Bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum. Melissa, thank you for the super sticker. I really appreciate it. Zaya writes, or Zay, hello, Jonathan. I'm from Mexico and I love your channel. Thank you for your advice. It applies to Latino guys too. I hope so, but I do tend to focus mostly on United States and English-speaking countries. Okay, question is multiple divorce is a major red flag. Okay, well red flag simply means ask good questions. That's what red flag means, ask good questions. So you might wanna find out what happened in their life. Some people have had multiple, multiple relationships and never got married. Some people have multiple marriages. Everybody's had a unique situation. I would find out. And you have to learn to read between the lines, read between the lines. This is what I teach in my private coaching practice, how to read between the lines. Because oftentimes you hear what you wanna hear, but you're not reading between the lines. And I can't tell you how many women have told me after a breakup. I knew something was wrong right from the beginning, but I went against my better judgment. You gotta learn to read between the lines and pay attention to your judgment. All right, Becky writes, if a guy says he has, has feel to show his true attraction, but he has feel to show his true attraction towards, toward to the one he has strong feelings, but he hasn't asked me to be exclusive after eight dates. Is he into me? All right, so I'm reading between the lines of what you wrote because it was a little bit dysfunctional and be candid with you. I didn't understand. All right, so going back to when men and women are in a state of lust or limerence, Google limerence, limerence means intense infatuation. Okay, oftentimes we do want, men tend to be more territorial and we do want to be exclusive with someone we really like. However, men who are dysfunctional or men who aren't looking for a serious relationship will not go down that road. When a man is genuinely ready for a relationship and he's enthusiastic and driven by lust, he's gonna want to be exclusive. Only those men who are probably either not capable of going into deeper intimacy because they have emotional traumas or he's not serious about a relationship will prolong it as long as he can. So this is why you have deeper questions. You ask deeper questions, ladies. I've said this before and I said it again. Since I can't be your big brother on the first date with the shotgun pointed at the guy and saying, what are your intentions with my little sister? Since I can't be there for you, you have to ask the questions. One of the questions might be simply, what does commitment look like for you? And are you seeking a fully committed relationship that leads to partnership someday? Are you seeking, see, stop using the words relationship and start using the words commitment. I'm gonna repeat that, stop using the words relationship and start using the words commitment. Are you seeking a fully committed relationship that leads to partnership? This should be one of the first questions you asked before the penis ever goes inside the vagina. All right, you know how enthusiastic I get. Those who follow me. All right, you know what? I'm gonna switch gears right now. Okay, great question. Thank you so much, Becky, I appreciate it. You know what? We're coming up on the hour and I'm gonna allow, okay, I'm gonna take one more question and before, I'm gonna take this question in a second. But I'm gonna give you an opportunity to ask me any personal question you want of me. Any personal question you want of me. I've had some people reach out quite a bit lately and write me emails. So I'm gonna do this publicly. If you have a personal question for me, post it and I'm gonna do my best within reason to answer it. But before I do, I'm gonna take Izzy's question and it says, hi, Jonathan. Question, I feel like doing a background check is a quick way to know or verify their honesty. What do you think? Mostly about important details like wifey. First off, most men don't, first off, most men who are single looking for out in the dating realm are not married. It's probably less than 20%. I'm just picking a number off top of my head. Doing a background check isn't a bad idea. If you can get enough information to do that, especially given that we're meeting total strangers these days, especially since we're meeting total strangers these days. So I'm not opposed to doing a background check. I'm also not opposed to Googling the person and go asking for their Facebook page and asking for their Instagram. And if someone hides that information from you, I say, bye-bye. If a woman tries to hide all those things because here's the thing, if I'm gonna invest my time, energy and my resources, I might wanna do a little research on the person because they're a total stranger to me and I invite you to do the same. And if anyone is reluctant to do that because they wanna protect their privacy, well, then you know what, I don't wanna go out with you because I'm a public figure, just me personally, I'm a public figure, I wanna be able to look you up. And if you feel the need to be private, then what's the point of investing in one another if you have a fear around that? Now, I can understand why women want to be private and but it's gotta go both ways. If you're gonna do a background check on him, he should be able to do a background check on you. If you wanna look up his Instagram or Facebook, he should be able to wanna do that with you and I highly recommend doing those things before going out on a date. If they have a public person out there, then it's fair game. That's at least my belief on that. All right, thank you for that question. VLVance, that vase, right? Would you please do a video on parts of the book, the rules and your perception of things you disagree with? What and what to do instead? Well, let's pull up this book, The Rules. All right, let's just go to the, okay, so for example, rule number two. Don't talk to a man first and don't ask him to dance. Rule number three, don't stare at men or talk too much. Well, talking too much is probably good, but don't stare at men. By the way, so all of this, the book, The Rules is a bunch of manipulative ways to temporarily build attraction with one another, to temporarily build attraction for one another. It's manipulated gameplay. This, the reason, by the way, the whole notion of it, the rules mean it's supposed to be, there's an absolute, there are no absolutes when it comes to dating, mating, relating. There are no absolutes when it comes to biology and all of these things. There's a lot of shades of gray in here. This is why the book, The Rules can get you, but for example, that first rule, don't talk to a guy, don't ask him to dance. By the way, I've known tons of women who have gotten married because they walked up to a man and said, hey, would you like to dance with me and they hit it off and they moved in and happily ever after. So I'd be careful reading some of the narratives from the books just like I did, but thank you. All right, I am the price as I call self-love masturbation. I don't because I wrote a book called What the Heck is Self-Love? Now, I'm gonna, so for, so my book, so I wanna read you something from my book. If you're like me, you might've been tuned out or rejected the idea whenever someone says you have to love yourself and you might have to even say, what the heck does that mean? Self-love is our capacity to feed our spirit, fill our love cup and feel inner peace is endless. We just need to tap into it. How the heck do we create the experience of inner happiness? That's what self-love is, or at least in my book, that is what it is. So it's not masturbation. I know you didn't allow. Lisa says, love these live sessions, thank you. Elaine says, you are funny, I like that, thank you. Most guys would say yes, though. I'm sorry, Beck, I forgot the original question. Okay, Bridge says, how do you deal with someone nice trying hard to chat you up, but you notice he's married from alcohol and also with, wait. But you notice he's married from alcohol and also with the confidence to tell you how much he's adoring you, but doesn't ask for no. Okay, again, I'm a little confused on the question. Is he using, are we talking about alcohol courage to speak to you? Some men need a little bit of what we know is liquid courage to speak to a woman. I don't know if that's what she was suggesting, but I know I've been in a place where I've needed a little liquid courage to have the nerve to go up to a total stranger and talk to her. Folks, I know you guys think it's very easy for me to lean in and have these conversations on video, but I can tell you out in the world, I am very shy. I need a lot of green flags from a woman or hankies dropped before I ever walk up to a stranger because I fear rejection. See this skin, this is rather thin skin. I'm afraid of rejection. So some men need a little bit of liquid courage to walk up to a total stranger and talk to them. I don't know if that's where she was going, but that's where I went with that one. So thank you for your question. I appreciate it. All right, so Bridge asks, what's, okay. Yes, I did get the book. Oh, that's, you guys are having a conversation with one another. Oh wait, Lori says, oh, you're shy. Yes, I am actually rather shy. Okay, Tracy, where are you from and where did you go to school? Okay, since I offered to answer personal questions, I actually grew up right, I live in Redondo Beach and I grew up, I spent, I think 40, let's see, my parents moved to Torrance when I was six or seven years old. So I've literally lived within five miles from the home I grew up in, actually three miles from the home I grew up in for the last 50 years. And I went to college at Loyola Marymount University in, over by LAX Los Angeles Airport. That's where I went to school. So thank you so much for that question. Rebecca, yes, I did change my shirt. That's my biggest problem, fear of rejection. Yes, men and women alike, fear of rejection. Question, do you let go when you love them they used to, but they don't anymore? How do you let go when you love them? When you love them, they used to, but they don't love you anymore. How do you let go? You know, this is where we have to step into our emotional maturity, our emotional maturity. I truly believe most humans actually, when we give our power away to another human being and we make ourselves dependent upon someone else for our happiness. Now, let me differentiate because folks, you guys know I lost a child. So, you know, that is something unpredictable. And I will forever love him and I'll be in forever pain. Let me repeat that. I will forever love him and I will forever be in a level of pain. That won't ever go away. But if I'm in relationship with someone and they choose not to wanna be with me anymore, I'm okay with saying thank you. I appreciate this experience together, but I'm gonna choose a partner who wants to be with me. So it takes a level of, it takes a huge level of self love because when you genuinely love yourself, you can miss another person but you're not dependent upon them for your livelihood. I would highly recommend reading the book codependent no more, codependent no more to understand that codependency isn't always being there for somebody else. Codependency can be within ourselves. When we make our happiness predicated on someone else loving us, in my particular case, Connor left, I can't change that but you certainly can understand that if someone doesn't wanna be in relationship with you, that's okay. You know what, if you genuinely love them, then you should wanna wish them well. I'm gonna repeat that. If you genuinely love them, then wish them well. What's that old saying? If you love someone, let them go free. If they don't return, it's never meant to be and if you do love them forever. That's at least my invitation on that one. So, but thank you for that question. I really appreciate it. All right, narrow rights question. Jonathan, when are we going on a date? I'm dropping the digital hanky. Hey, I live in Redondo Beach. Come meet me for coffee. Anyone who wants to come meet me for coffee tonight, I will go out on a date with them. Thank you, Nair. I appreciate that. All right, question. What's the first thing you should do to get a guy to notice you if you're shy? Show them your boobs. I'm just kidding. That would actually work, right? So, here's the thing. I invite you to ask yourself if you like this person, ask yourself, do they like you? If this is a total stranger, then you have to get into their orbit somehow to create some sort of connection with them. I'm gonna repeat that. You have to get inside their orbit because if this is purely unrequited love, you have to ask yourself, why are you having feelings for someone you do not know? I'm gonna repeat that. Why do you have feelings for someone you do not know? Now, if you know them in a social setting, well, then you already are in their orbit. Hey, throw an ice cube at them like I shared with my friend who did that before or simply say hi and just talk to him or simply say, hey, can I buy you a cup of coffee? I'd like to treat you to a cup of coffee. Listen, ladies, this is the scary thing we men have had to go through and women are going through this as well. This is the reality of life. If we wanna connect with someone, we've gotta walk up and talk to them. But I'm not a big proponent of walking up to a stranger. I don't know, see, I don't walk up to some strange woman I don't know based on physical attraction because to me, that's based on ego. It's not based on knowing who they are and I have no idea if they're married or in a relationship with someone. So I'm not a big proponent of walking up to a total stranger. I prefer making a connection being in each other's orbits talking to one another and then seeing if it makes sense to say, hey, let's grab a cup of coffee together. But that's my MO anyway. And I hope that helped you as well. So thank you. Tracy writes, cheers to Connor. My heart goes out to you. You will see him again in heaven. Thank you so much, Tracy. I appreciate that. Sal writes, Jonathan, I'd love to meet you for coffee but it's not a date. I would treat you to the coffee for all the advice and help you provided and that has helped me tremendously. Thank you so much, Sal. I appreciate that. All right, deep dive. Remember I said this is personal question. So deep diver writes, Jonathan, what are you looking for in an ideal partner physically, mentally, emotionally? Is there a preference physically? Well, so great question. So like anyone, we all have our physical preferences. I'm six foot two. I'm probably attracted to women between five four and five eight. It just happens to be kind of something I like. I'm attracted to athletic physique. I'm attracted to women who are athletic and they are physically active and exercise on a regular basis. I'm attracted to blondes, brunettes. I have actually a thing for redheads. More dark, auburn hair. I have a thing for that. I think ever since I fell in love with Stephanie Powers in the TV show, heart to heart. Stephanie Powers on heart to heart. I have a big thing for dark, auburn hair, but my ex-wife was a blonde and I've dated brunettes and such like that. What else? Well, shoot, I have it on my bulletin board. Here, I'll read you from my bulletin board. See, I actually have my perfect made on a bulletin board. So I'll read you from that. We mutually desire and adore each other. We feel safe and accepted with one another. We feel rooted with one another. We feel fun and spontaneity together. We are both givers and believe in teamwork. We believe in depth. We believe in growth. We believe in intimacy. We believe in flexibility. We believe in love and laughter and communicating with one another. What's most, I think what's most, what I'm most attracted to, I'm rather sapio-sexual. What that means is I'm attracted to an inquisitive mind. This is one of the reasons why I get rather, use the word bored in the dating realm, but most women today, to me, seem very boring. They don't ask really deep, intelligent questions. I'm gonna read you a meme that I love that illustrates what I'm looking for since you asked. But this meme so feels like, here's the meme. Starts off, I hate small talk. I wanna talk about Adam's death, alien sex, magic, intellect, the meaning of light, far away galaxies, music that make you feel different, memories, the lies you've told, your flaws, your favorite set, your childhood, what keeps you up at night, your insecurity and fears. I like people with depth who speak with emotion from a twisted mind. I don't wanna know what's up. So that just gives you an illustration of what I'm looking for in my perfect partner. Thank you all for these questions. I appreciate that. Carrie says, you just described my perfect partner. Well, thank you. Yes, I can get bored with a lot of people. I like to ask good questions. Sadly, folks, I do recognize that the vast majority of men and women alike are very emotionally unskilled and lack the tools and skills to really communicate at a deeper level. And not that I'm sitting here and having intellectual conversations about the meaning of life per se, but I like people that go beyond the surface. In fact, it's something I learned in sales. We used to call it drilling down, drilling down. So if you ask someone a question, you ask them, what inspired you wanna do that and then go deeper and say, what's your greatest pleasure from doing that? And then go deeper with each question. I've been told, I heard a dating coach once say, you should never ask questions on a date. I've gotta go, you gotta be fucking kidding me. How do you get to know another human being if you don't ask questions? And what blows me away, ladies? I mean, I've gone on first dates with women who have, I told them I'm a dating a relationship coach and they refused, when I say refused, they don't ask me any questions about my profession. I have a fun profession. I have a lot of fun with what I do for a living between the YouTube channel, the podcast and all the things I do. You would think someone would be curious about that. I want, I'm incredibly curious when I meet a woman. I'm curious about how she thinks and what she thinks about, what she's into. And I want someone to be that equally curious. But most women are like this on a first date. They're just, you know, they're like this. They're just filing their nails. They're just filing their nails because it's all about them. Actually, quite frankly, I haven't gone on a first date and I think it's been months and months and months. I mean, I did meet a friend recently, which felt like a date, but I haven't gone on a real first date in a long time because most women don't spark my curiosity. I'm now, listen, maybe I set my bar too high, but I'm not looking for mediocre. I want something spectacular and I want the same for you. I want you all to strive for something spectacular because if it isn't a fuck yes, it's a hell no. I'm gonna repeat that. If it isn't a fuck yes, then it's a hell no. I think that's Mark Manson. So anyway, or Alan Cohen calls it a hell yes. To me, if it doesn't feel like a hell yes to meet someone, I'm not interested, but that's just me. And maybe that's why I'm still single, but who knows? I just haven't met my person yet. All right. I am amazing says, ah, thank you. What does friend mean to a man? Friend? Question, when you're coming to Florida Palm Beach County, I'll chat, okay. Actually I do plan on going to Miami soon because I have a client who's there so I might be visiting them. Question, Declan's world. Question, FWB friends with benefits for 10 months. Both agreed on it and set up rules. The guy said we could revisit this after one year. Should I remind him if it's going fantastic, by the way? Remind him of what? That are you looking for, if it's just friends with benefits, it's just friends with benefits in my opinion. Now, could something deeper evolve from friend with benefit? Absolutely. But if you wanted to go deeper, I would highly recommend reading the book, Eight Dates by Drs. John and Julie Gottman. All right, thank you for that question. Kerry says, hell yes, fuck no, love it. It's a fuck yes and hell no. Lisa says, come to Tampa, we'll do. You know what folks, let's see. Mary Kay says, yes, hold out for a woman who does not believe in mediocrity. You're worth it, Jonathan. Thank you so much, I appreciate it. You know what folks, I thought I'd do some little different, I shared something personal. Hey, let's come back to those five secret thoughts a man has when he's totally into you. Number one, is she into me, into me? One of the first thoughts a guy thinks, how can I make her like me more? What can I do to please her and make her happy? Do I please her in the bedroom and is she really the one for me? Those five secret thoughts a man has when he's totally into you. Those are just some of the many secret thoughts a man has. I hope you found value today. If you did, please hit that like button and please share this video with friends. I would be truly grateful, I better drink some. And I think this would be a good time to wrap up for today. I wanna thank you all from the bottom of my heart all your love and support and thank you for the super chats and the super stickers as well. Truly grateful for all of you. This is a great time to wrap up as I always do first off, giving myself a big gigantic John the bear hug of self love. I'm gonna reach into the camera and give you a hug of love if that's okay. I'm gonna ask you to turn to someone, a pet, a teddy bear pillow and give it or them a hug of love because hugs are a great source of love and let's face it, we could all use more love in our lives. Thanks a bunch. Bye bye now.